Like It Is

So said a commentator in a comment to Polly Vernon. Polly was commenting on Cameron Diaz’s comment on being childfree and what we already know: “Being a woman and admitting you don’t want children is taboo.”

It takes guts to say you don’t want children

Cameron was echoing what the childfree have known for ages. Saying you don’t want children can bring out a range of reactions from those who have them or who want them. Sometimes curiosity, but more often criticism, disdain and questions. And of course the cold shoulder.

Writing about Cameron Diaz on being childfree clearly brought back memories for Polly, and as I read how she used to explain it to people I found myself nodding even as I wondered why we always have to explain to people why we don’t want children and how great being childfree is – if it’s a choice we’ve made. There are many instances where parenting is questionable  at best, yet no-one ever has to explain why they want children or why they have children.

I thought the reception Polly got from parents was fairly typical - and I wondered how much of that is because I blog about being childfree and hear so many experiences from other childfree people on this blog. At one point I even wondered how she got to 37 without obviously being bingoed:

“Unlike Diaz, I did not know that voluntary childlessness is an unacceptable crime to cop to. I thought I was merely expressing an opinion. I thought that people who want - or have - children, would accept that I do not, just as I accept their choice. After all, it’s my (notional) babies I am rejecting, not theirs.

Had she known, she may have been better prepared for the vitriol she received when she wrote her piece on not wanting children for the Observer in February. All she did was state her case. Her heartfelt reasons for not wanting children and whey she was happy being childfree. The fact she loves her life as it was and wasn’t at all bothered about being infertile while her peers fretted about how to get the latest round of IVF, or how to mortgage their already mortgaged homes to pay for expensive treatment to have a kid. I mean basically all the reasons we’re familiar with because they are our reasons too. We chose to be childfree and we are happy with our choice and don’t see why we need answer to anyone for it.

Instead, Polly was unprepared for the vitriol she got in response to her piece:

“The reaction to the piece was terrifying. Emails and letters arrived, condemning me, expressing disgust. I was denounced as bitter, selfish, un-sisterly, unnatural, evil. I’m now routinely referred to as “baby-hating journalist Polly Vernon”.

Even though I am not too surprised at this, at the same time isn’t it shocking to think that people, many of whom purport to be caring parents, who will be passing values on to their children, can take the time to attack someone simply because they don’t want to have children – and said it. But of course, the sin is magnified. Not only did Polly Vernon not want children, but she DARED to actually SAY she didn’t want children.

As she says…

“So yes, Cameron Diaz, I can tell you from experience that you are right. Admit that you don’t ache for children with every fibre of your being and you will be shunned. Shunning’s the tip of the iceberg. I wish I’d been shunned. Shunning would have been blissful, relatively.”

One commentator even asked whether it’s because she voiced her views about being childfree in a certain way, as if by doing this she asked for the condemnation. Of course, if you’re childfree be quiet about it.

“Is it possible that the way you expressed yourself accounts for some of the animus you describe? It’s hard to comprehend the simple fact of choosing childlessness as a sufficient catalyst for serial (verbal) abuse.”

Is there some double standard going on here? It’s ok to talk about being pregnant, wanting to be pregnant, wanting kids. It’s perfectly fine to bring in scans these days. And of course it’s perfectly ok to talk endlessly about your kids. But go on about not wanting kids - and you leave yourself open to ridicule… that apparently you’ve asked for.

I‘ve no idea if Polly “went with the wrong crowd.” But pretty soon you have to absent yourself from pro-child, pro-natal and mommy groups and company. You just won’t fit.

However Polly “expressed herself” she was not deserving of being analysed, sneered at or anything else.

If the childfree have no problem accepting the choice to reproduce why do parents find it so hard to accept our choice?

I like Polly’s last points… people had better get their heads out of their backsides and start recognizing that being childfree is a choice. It’s here, it’s an option and it isn’t going away. Go Polly. Stuff the nay-sayers and the critics.

Thoughts?

There were over 400 comments on the Observer article so you probably won’t want to read them all. Good to see the most recommended ones where positive towards the childfree. And thanks to the reader who sent me the link!

It takes guts to say you don’t want children

This article isn’t strictly about being Chidlfree. But it’s causing such a furor in Alberta, Canada right now that I thought it was worth sharing and seeing what you thought. I found it quite interesting if only for the sheer number comments it generated. The comments are almost always the fun bit.

Raising Kids Properly Means One Parent at Home

It never fails to surprise me how some people seem to have no problem at all telling people how they should live their lives. Of course, when it’s a politician with a severe case of foot-in-mouth disease, there’s not much one can do except shake one’s head. It’s arrogant at the best of times… but Iris Evans doesn’t seem to be bothered. She might if she find she has to resign though – people are calling for her to either apologize or step down.

So what’s she said? Well, basically that if people want to raise their kids properly, both parents going out to work is a no-no. One person should be a stay-at-home, and people would just have to sacrifice.

You don’t have to be childfree to know that to work or not to work when you have kids is a question that isn’t going away anytime soon. When my husband and I were deciding whether we were going to be childfree, it was a huge consideration for us. I had no desire to stop working, being a SAHM didn’t appeal to me in the least. Yet I knew day care – if you could get it – cost a fortune and would have to be paid for – on top of everything else. Not to mention that one of us staying home meant a severely reduced income, loss of independence and reduced career prospects to name a few. On the other hand, having children to some extent implies you’re going find some way to raise them. Even before these economic times, living on one income – unless that income is considerable is risky. And what about people who choose to work – who would like to have an identity other than via their kids?

Personally, it was just one me strike against having kids for me.

My own parents both worked and we are all the better for it. They couldn’t afford not to.

The interesting thing about this article though is that it again brings up the tension that seems to persist within childed ranks – one side telling the other they’re bad parents because they go out to work, the other side saying that they are  bad, lazy parents if they don’t. The fact that every situation is different seems to be lost on people – especially folk like Iris Evans.

When you’re childfree you, of course, can sit back and let them all aim arrows at each other. But take note. As a childfree person, affordability of children is one of the little secrets people don’t think about prior and will  hardly ever admit afterwards. Whenever I mentioned the economic aspect in terms of being childfree, I was always told – “Oh, you just find a way to manage. It’s all worth it (giving everything up) when your kids smile at you…”  “you simply sacrifice…” and so on.

Yes, and everyone looks like a happy Cornflake Box family. Quite.

If you are not quite decided about whether to be childfree or not this is a huge issue.

We were laughed at (or should I say scorned?) for even daring to mention that there just might be an economic impact to having kids that we might not be interested in exploring. Well, we were told, “if everyone thought that way, no-one would have kids!” Yet some more honest parents will tell you they regret giving up dreams, career, advancement and lives to stay home with their kids.

If you have kids it’s your responsibility to bring them up and pay for them. But so far I’ve seen no hard and fast rule that “good kids = stayed home and didn’t go out to work.”

When an article gets over 500 comments, you know it hit a very big nerve. Check them out… and please share your thoughts. I’m curious to know your views.

Raising kids means one parent home

Here’s a question a reader asked me recently.

One of the many reasons people often give for wanting kids is that they feel their kids will love them unconditionally. I used to be “bingoed” with it this way when I mentioned I was happily childfree: “But don’t you want  the unconditional love of a child? Clearly that was never a reason for me to hurriedly abandon my childfree status, however even then I had a hard time believing that children always loved their parents unconditionally, particularly when they were older.

So the note from one of our readers struck me as an interesting topic for discussion. Here’s what she wrote:

“I have had several people tell me that since I don’t want to have children, I will never know the “unconditional” love a child gives his/her parents.  I talked with my best friend about this.  She is a mother, but not a breeder type of mother.  She said that people who have kids and think the kids will love THEM unconditionally have it all wrong.  She said that parents are supposed to love kids unconditionally, but that kids most definitely DO NOT love parents unconditionally.

I am just wondering why some people honestly think that their kids will always love them unconditionally.  Maybe it’s one thing when the kids are really little.  But you and I both know that as kids grow up, they find fault with their parents.  I have certainly not experienced unconditional love for either of my parents.  I am pretty sure most people do not experience this.  Or am I wrong?

So, over to you. What do you think?  Why do people believe that children do/will always love their parents “unconditionally?” And do they?

Are children obliged to love their parents unconditionally? Why?

Share your thoughts.

“We childfree people don’t want them to change their minds. The only thing we want is to be left alone. No More and no less.”  – Mike.

Mike from Mexico sent me this, hoping that you’d find it interesting. I enjoyed it hugely, not least for the fact that it’s always good to get the male perspective on being childfree. It can often get a little lost because women are so much in the forefront – whether it getting grief from a disapproving society or bingoes from childed colleagues,  – and even the odd newspaper hack who’s looking for something to stir, write.

So I hope you’ll enjoy Mike’s take on being childfree from the male point of view and share your thoughts too. I’ve made only minor amendments, so it’s very much as he wrote it. It remains for me to thank Mike for taking the time to share this note…I like nothing better than to post my readers articles. Thanks Mike, for sharing your thoughts with us.

“Hello, I have to say I’m such a big fan of your website, long-time reader; first-time submitter. Kudos to you for having the guts to encourage other childfree people to stand up to the overwhelming breeders’ hegemony. I don’t live in the US (or the UK for that matter) but that hardly makes any difference at all because breeder supremacy is everywhere.

We childfree people don’t want them to change their minds. The only thing we want is to be left alone.No more and no less.

I’m willing to share my thoughts concerning how I decided to become childfree. I hope what I have to say turns out to be interesting for both you and your readers. I’m a young male professional in my early 20’s, I got my college degree (magna cum laude I might add) less than a year ago and right now my future looks kinda promising. I speak five different languages and I’ve always put a lot of effort into being among the best and the brightest. I’ve proceeded
in such a way because I think what we accomplish during our lifetimes is what defines who we are. Great people are remembered for outstanding achievements.

Being a CEO, a distinguished statesman, a brilliant scholar, an outstanding sports-person or a top expert on any subject sounds a lot more impressing (because only a few people can) than just being a breeder (which is something any sheeple can become without much effort). Read the rest of this entry »

Two or more people sent me this link (thank you) so I thought it should probably be the next article to blog about.

Why bosses are right to distrust women who don’t want children

Frankly, after reading the article I half-wondered if it wasn’t some hoax to get attention… you know, last time it was Nicki Defago trilling about how she’d de-camped to mumsy-land because she fell in love with her pet somewhat out of the blue.

But no. It’s certainly a headline-grabber, but it sounds like the writer has been off her meds, or needs new ones, or broke that crystal ball she looks into instead (presumably) of working. I mean how else can a person (a one-time boss no doubt) latch on to some inconclusive research to trumpet that childfree women are not only likely to be distrusted, but actually ARE un-trustworthy. For no other reason that they’ve chosen not to have kids.

Definitely Ms Sarler is off her meds. Pity anyone who ever worked for such a myopic idiot. And she was a boss?  I am very happy to say that wherever I have worked I have never seen childfree women vilified or prevented from fulfilling their careers. Quite the reverse. It is the childfree women that put in more hours, and that are there doing the work while the mothers are on maternity leave or dashing off to deal with the latest child crisis. The bosses of smaller companies are tearing their hair out… especially now.

The over generalizations in the article were so astounding that they would have been funny, if it wasn’t so sad that a supposedly educated person was spouting them. A boss who:

• Trumpets that women should have the right to choose, but deep down doesn’t really believe it, because SHE can’t understand why that choice might extend to not reproducing
• Understands if a 66–year old person wants to become a mother… nothing wrong there apparently…
• Plays guessing games about whether women are mothers or not and comes to weird conclusions based on that fact.

Heaven help the women – and men – of whom this woman is boss. I think this comment by a business owner says it:

“Uh, no..in my experience as a business owner I can assure you that the most dedicated and reliable employees have been women without children..I can’t count the times I have had mothers expect more time off due to all kinds of child-related excuses..and they expect it..the reality is, its difficult to work and have kids and something usually suffers and many times it is the workplace..what era is the author living in?”

You will have to read the article for yourself because as I read it I found it hard to believe this woman could actually really believe the nonsense she was scribbling. I may come back and add another part to this… The comments more or less make short shrift of her. Feel free to leave your comments here on the blog.

My message to Carol Sarler is this…you’re more than weird… you are ignorant. That’s much much worse. You need to get out more and smell the coffee. We are past rating women on the actions of their uterus.  It isn’t up to you to understand anyone’s choice to reproduce or not… just mind your own business and keep your nose out of what you don’t understand. The world will be a better place.

Back from London, having had a great visit home seeing family and friends and having generally wonderful time.

While I was back in the UK it seemed that I saw more children than I do in Toronto. That’s probably a due in part to where we live… being childfree means we don’t have to live in the burbs, so we live downtown. In London we weren’t in the burbs by any stretch of the imagination, yet unruly kids (or at least loud ones) seemed to be everywhere.

On the plane going over, we had a screeching child. Not a small baby, a child who screeched when it didn’t get its way. As seems to be the case these days, the parent seemed powerless to shut the child up and so it proceeded to scream until presumably it got whatever it was it wanted. Fortunately, the child was a few rows back from us, and somehow we were able to tune it out. Thankful to be childfree prayer number 1.

The next and more unpleasant encounter was our the train from the airport – Gatwick in this case. You had to be there to believe it. No doubt our 6 hour flight had made us tired, but we had been able to grab a few hours sleep and weren’t jet-lagged yet. A family got on the train at one of the stops…they must have been going on a days outing. I have never in my life heard children yell so loudly. There were 4 kids (we counted) and the parents. The mother was  soon to pop out another one. The kids were yelling so loudly that it actually hurt my eardrums. They were “talking.” I looked in shock at my husband, unable to believe that kids could be allowed to disturb the peace to that level.

I resisted the impulse to put my hands over my ears, but only just. The train wasn’t full, but there were few places we could move to, and anyway the noise could be heard through the entire carriage so it would have made little difference.The parents made no attempt to quieten the kids (who by the way ranged from between 5 and 10) though they did eventually quieten down. And the parents were equally loud. My husband and I just looked at each other. This was in the morning… not even 11 a.m. Luckily the train journey was only 30 minutes and we could escape, our ears still ringing.

Talk about badly behaved kids.

I noticed more examples of Badly Behaved Kids and wondered if it was my imagination. Perhaps because I am childfree, I notice more? Not so. Having a meal with a good friend of mine one evening  (a guy, with two adult kids) I mentioned that sometimes it felt quite scary being on the train with some of the school kids. I felt sorry for senior people traveling on the public transport with these kids as co-passengers. They were rough, unruly their language was appalling. I didn’t remember it being quite so bad – I mean school kids are kids… after all – they were going to be boisterous and that’s to be expected.

I said as much to my friend.

“You’re not imagining it,” he said when I described the two incidences. “That’s nothing. They are much worse.” He gave me an example of something that had recently happened to him…” a school girl walked out in front of his bike when she shouldn’t have done (he cycles and it was his right of way) and when he said something, a stream of foul invective followed. The girl was about 13. Even he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing and he’s not easily shocked.

Plus, he went on, the kids are often so badly behaved on the buses (swearing, spitting, screaming, playing their music as loud as possible – you name it, they do it) the drivers have to stop the bus and order them off. The other passengers can then get a bit of peace on their journey to and from wherever they are going. Without being threatened by feral juveniles.

I asked my friend how the kids got so bad… “The parents are just the same… they let them do exactly as they like and don’t say boo to their kids. And if you dare complain, you’ll get abuse from them too. This is the result.”

I just shook my head. Clearly all kids are not bad.  But the number of nasty, antisocial badly behaved monsters are real, they are on the rise and they have parents. Where are they? Why should anyone be on the receiving end of verbal abuse from an eight or nine year old? Or a 13 year old?

That’s probably why a week doesn’t go by without news of some stabbing or violent act done by a minor – usually because someone had the temerity to tell them to stop something – or perhaps they looked at them in the wrong way. It’s not just England either, because it’s an every day occurrence in Canada and I’m sure in other countries too. If people aren’t turning a blind eye to it, they don’t seem to be doing much about it – apart from insisting on focusing on kids as being central to everything.

Child-freedom is great… even though we have to endure other people’s  Badly Behaved Kids.

Instead of using their energies to criticize childfree people and insist they produce more kids, the childed might consider putting their collective thoughts into how to deal with the juve brats that now make life intolerable for some.

I’m off to the UK this evening for a few days. I wanted to do a post for while I was away, but I ran out of time. So those of you who sent me links just don’t know what life savers you are, because this very short post comes directly from a link. I’ll save my intended post for when I’m back. Thanks again to everyone who sends me links… they are very bloggable and I will be getting to them. For now, while I’m waiting for my cab to come and pick us up (imminently, I might add) have a read of this post – thank you Lee.

Why I’m happy to be childfree

I read this article and it was so much like a reflection of what we all go through. While we are happy to be childfree, there’s a stubborn refusal of anyone else to believe that we could be. So we get the side-barbs, the bingoes (nowadays disguised as gung-ho trilling approval but bingoes nonetheless) and the numerous comments we just let pass, because it isn’t worth the hassle. It puzzles me why some people simply won’t accept that we are happy to be as we are… and that we dont’ need the addition of a child to make us “more happy.”

It’s bemusing that even as we say we don’t want kids there are those around us, waiting with bated breath for us to change our minds, capitulate, “fall off the fence” – yes, fall onto their side of the argument. Sorry, it isn’t going to happen. I’m amused when people say that they saw others had a child so they had one too…

Enjoy being childfree, and I’ll be back online soon.

BG

Look through the comments on this blog and each one is a thought provoking nugget of truth. When I say our childfree book is already written I’m quite serious. I think it every time I read through the comments and the discussions here.

I found this comment by Og17 particularly illuminating. Even if you’ve read it in the comments I thought it worth pulling out as a post even a short one.  As commentator serrin says, sometimes the obvious is so obvious that it’s completely over looked.

Here’s the comment, in case you haven’t already read it:

“I think for people in the “now-or-never” crunch, or people with pressuring mates it’s important to understand that you are not choosing between life A - alone without your awesome partner, and life B - with your awesome partner and kids. Your awesome partner is for all intents and purposes, dead.

You are choosing between life A - a life without your awesome partner. Perhaps you are alone, perhaps you are with a different person. Choice B is a life with a PARENT and children. Review that in your head. The awesome partner will change. If it’s a woman, more so. Physically, emotionally, they will be a completely different person. Your relationship will drastically change, and for the worse - sexually, financially. This new person will be pretty stressed, they will give you a lot less attention, they will require you to do a lot more, as will they, and there will be a lot less money in the house. This will go on for abut 25 years, if you are fortunate, and forever if not.

The only thing that may make this worth your while is if you genuinely like, want and enjoy children. Not like one kid. Like, babies, and toddlers, and 8-year-olds, and 14-year-olds, and 18-year-olds. Because they will all inhabit your house and take over your life and your relationship. I think often people give in to the idea of a child hoping to keep their mate. But then after the child is born, they realize the person their mate has become is not one they want to be with. THAT mistake is referred to as “alimony and child support” in popular culture.”

When it comes to “now or never” people sometimes don’t really realize just how drastically their lives will change. Somehow they convince themselves that “everything will be fine, or, as we know that a baby will solve all the already existing problems in the relationship, one of which is dissatisfaction with the other’s choice or with their own lives.

I think this line says it all… “The awesome partner is, for all intents and purposes, dead.” I would add – so is the life you had. It’s a whole new ball-game in every sense of the word and very few people will ever tell you the truth about that, preferring to tell you only how wonderful it is once you start having children and how having them makes you a better person,  how it is worth it (it being the giving up of everything you loved about your past life and love). Once you have kids, you are not expected to opt-out. And, since along the way you said  yes to the “let’s have a child”  pressure/question you shouldn’t be able to opt-out. If you do, again, as was said, child support and alimony await.

I really don’t think I needed to add anything to the comment but I did anyway. For anyone under any kind of pressure (from a partner) to pro-create, of if you are on the fence read and re-read this post (and the comment if you like) until you’ve memorized it.  I am so thankful that we have people that really do tell it Like It Is.

Thank you og17 for this great comment… and thanks to all of you for sharing all your equally great comments on this blog.

Keep the comments coming… and I am really pleased to be able to profile a comment from the blog.

Technorati Tags: childfree

Childfree people are routinely (and smugly) told by parents that they’ll never know happiness (or love) until they’ve had a child.. or a couple of children, or that having a child will make their life complete. Even if the words aren’t used directly the implication is there. Accompanied by the phrase, “Oh, it’s hard work but  it’s SO rewarding!” Or, “it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I am SO glad I had them, I’m so happy” Few and far between are the “don’t do it, it’s not worth it” responses. But we’re used to that.

The childfree can make up their own minds.

Having kids won’t make you happy

Clearly having children can be rewarding. Often it isn’t. But even when parents know it hasn’t been rewarding for them they still insist that it’s the way to go that having children will make them happy… or happier. Doesn’t matter how much grief little Johnny brings… it’s worth it. Because, after all you’ve had a child. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

So, when I read this article (thanks for sending the link Caroline) the first thought I had was… well, we know that already. Despite all the insistence by parents (and wanna-be parents) that children make you happy there have been many studies that show they don’t, and that in fact the happiness factor plummets in a relationship once the kids come along. The author quotes some similar studies himself (at least think it’s a him).

It also highlights something else… that people in the main have children not so much from some altruistic notion of keeping the species going but for their own selfish ends… to make them happy – or to reduce their likelihood of being unhappy. While they tell the childfree that they are selfish for not having children (i.e. choosing to create their own happiness) they pursue parenthood precisely for their own selfish reasons, but then turn round and call themselves selfless for having them.

What makes one happy differs from person to person.. at least if they use their own brains, think for themselves and don’t get sucked into the sheep-like motions of pro-creating just because they believe the myth they’re being sold. So many couples with broken relationships have children to “mend” the relationship.

Happiness is what you make it. Things outside you can make you happy, but for the most part I’ve found it comes from within. Which is why I questioned the preaching from the mostly exhausted and unhappy parents at me and other childfree people that we’re missing out, that they couldn’t be happier and that our lives are empty because we don’t have a couple of kids in tow.

Right.

My questions would be why is the onus of “making you happy” put on the children in the first place?

There’s a lot more I could say about this article, however I will leave you to add your comments.

Some other articles we’ve discussed that prove having children contribute to the general unhappiness.. although it’s probably the parent’s fault not the kids. The person who wrote the Times article should check these out. Never mind studies, these are parents who clearly are miserable… and who probably bought into the “have a kid and you’ll be happy” myth.

The Truth About Parenting

Red Whine or White - Moms Are Angry at Dads

Technorati Tags: Childfree, childfree

Someone, somewhere has lost the plot. Because this article by Nicki Defago (yes, the same of Childfree and Loving It)