Like It Is

Is it me or does Australia come across as more “anti-childfree” than most places in the Western world? Seems that  whenever I read something touching on childfree-ness or non-parenting (or respect for either) there is something negative about it. It’s not that there isn’t negativity towards the childfree elsewhere… we aren’t yet at that particular utopia.

It’s more that it appears Australian Governmental figures (who are supposed to be there to govern everyone, right?) like to take pot-shots at other Government persons who don’t have children. Actually, taking pot-shots is putting it mildly… in many cases they make no effort to hide their derision for women (and it’s always women) who are childfree.

Take this story for example:

Childless Gillard can’t speak on parental issues

To quote the article, which is chock-full of insults which frankly say more about the front bencher than the person he’s is denigrating:

“LIBERAL frontbencher George Brandis has questioned Julia Gillard’s ability to “understand the way parents think” about virginity because she doesn’t have children. Defending Tony Abbott’s right to discuss the advice he gave to his daughters on virginity, Senator Brandis said the Deputy Prime Minister was a “one-dimensional” person who had “chosen not to be a parent”.

“One dimenensional person?”

“Unable to understand the way parents think about virginity?” because “ this one dimensional person had chosen not to be a parent?”

This isn’t too long after another  Australian Liberal politician accused the same childfree politician – Gillard –  as  being “deliberately barren.” Bad enough when this comes from total strangers. When it comes from so-called politicians?

It seems that not only does he not like childfree women, he also sees them as less than fit for politics. Clearly women have nothing of value to say unless they “have chosen to be a parent.”

But we’d be naive if we thought that kind of thinking was confined to certain Australian politicians. Plenty of parents think that the childfree have no business talking about “child or parent related things” because we don’t have children. ourselves.

I disagree. What do you think?

Here’s an interesting article for both childfree men and women… but particularly for childfree men. It’s about what happens when men become parents, told from a male point of view.

Escape from Dudescape to Dadscape

The comments as always are illuminating. There are some very good childfree responses and, surprise, surprise, a good many bingoes from the childed.

Here is a great comment from a childfree man:

“Mr. Glave, likely as not, you will find it near impossible to just “return to the dudescape”. As someone who has chosen not to have children, over the years I have lost many friends to fatherhood. After the kid(s) arrive, we suddenly have nothing in common. By the time their children grow up, we still no longer have anything in common.
Priorities suddenly change. That is part of it. Another part of it is, in this status crazed society, children have become not-so-little status symbols. So the childless individual suddenly just can’t understand anything, because they are not parents. This air of superiority tends to imbue every conversation, until it becomes a nauseating nuance. Really kills a friendship, and QUICK.
Being a parent does not automatically make for a better, more enlightened person. There are many parents out there who are frankly are not fit to raise a goldfish.
But even the most dedicated parent, be they father or mother, should endeavor to have a little time for themselves, with their own friends, for their own interests. Before they end up as a just a lump on the couch. “

I agree.

Here’s one from a childfree woman:

“To ValerieM – Not every woman wants kids. I’m one of them. I don’t feel the need to have a child to “complete” myself, as many women I know do. I certainly don’t berate those who sincerely want children. It’s a basic decision that each person has to make for themselves. You are the one who seems “hostile” about your kids. I get that. That’s the “mama bear” syndrome. But your attitude makes you come off as a tyrant. Which makes me instantly feel sorry for your husband. He no longer has a wife. He has a “mommy”. Ugh.”

And here is the one from ValerieM – which to me is the usual barely veiled hostile response to the childfree… “you won’t have any joy because you didn’t have kids, poor you…”

“They don’t stay babies forever.
Just in case you were not aware! It feels like my sons were born yesterday, but today, I look UPwards to talk to my oldest, and I can’t tell you how COOL that feels! : ) But you ‘ll never have that gratification……to each his or her own!”

The reader who sent me this article highlighted this comment in particular since childfree women are accused of not being “feminine” or “nurturing”, and “more like a man”:

“I guess I struck a chord…geez, I oftentimes wonder why childless people are GENERALLY so hostile and then it occurred to me that maybe THAT is the difference between a highly feminine woman who is by nature a NURTURER and a woman who lacks that quality and is more like a man and into HERSELF only? I think I might be on to something! : ) God Bless!”

I have never been able to fathom why the childed are so often hostile to the idea that anyone who hasn’t got kids isn’t wishing they had. Or that they want some balance in their lives that isn’t kid-related. Like it or not, when the baby comes along, everything changes. And it doesn’t mean men deal with it as smoothly as some would have us believe. But then, some would also have the childfree believe that having children is life’s greatest achievement… and we all know what we think of that one.

Read the article and comments and share your thoughts…what do you think?

Thanks to K for the article and link!

Escape from Dudescape to Dadscape

Happy New Year Like It Is readers! Here’s wishing everyone a wonderful New Year. And hopefully the holiday season was safe and peaceful. The first post of 2010 has a couple of updates. But first, as we look forward to another decade and I thought of this blog post, I found myself wondering, what, if anything, has changed for the childfree? I’ve been blogging  about it for quite some time and in some ways nothing has changed. In other ways not much has changed at all. Being childfree still attracts criticism from society and pressure from people who think the thing to do is to have children, no matter what. That means childfree people still have to defend their choice and argue their case – even when it’s clear they shouldn’t have to.

Teenagers still get pressure from “well-meaning” parents and “friends” to start thinking about having children “before it’s too late” – even when they say they have no intention of, or are not interested in, having kids. They, as well as older women – are told are told they will change their minds…

Off line, it can be hard to meet anyone who is childfree. Online it’s now fairly easy to find blogs and discussions on being childfree. Online isn’t enough… but it’s something. It’s 2010 and the word “childfree” doesn’t have the respect it should have… considering we are supposed to tolerate and respect one another’s choices. In a relationship the person who wants to have children is supposed to hold all the cards… and, as we know, the decision to have children (or not) is often a deal-breaker.

Having listed all this (and I know I’ve left out quite a bit here) I come back to the question… what has changed for the better? Perhaps knowing other childfree men and women, even if only online is a great thing.  Should there be more? Do you feel more things have changed or that nothing at all has changed? Are you expecting anything different or does it not matter? Share your thoughts.

On the subject of changes, I am thinking of some for the blog… Read On.. Read the rest of this entry »

It is that time of year again. Christmas, the Holidays, the end of one year, and the beginning of another. While Christmas can be a joyous time for many it can also be a time of stress for others too. I happen to love Christmas, the hustle and bustle, putting up the tree, lights, decoration, carols… and just the general Christmassy feeling. I’ve always enjoyed the season, even when my life hasn’t been going smoothly. I’ve spent Christmas on my own several times (years ago now), however I happen to be one of those people who has always been quite comfortable with my own company, even before I really thought about being childfree or not. Today I was telling someone that (someone who was talking about the Holidays and Christmas being for kids and getting together with family etc, etc) and they seemed quite shocked that anyone could ever spend Christmas on their own and enjoy it. 

Well, I did – and I got a childlike joy out of it too . For the childfree this season can be especially trying. Getting together with family can be good… or it can be like treading on eggshells as we childfree dodge questions as to when we’re going to reproduce (and do our duty to country, parent and the world at large) whether well-meaning or not. Or we get the “Oh, but Christmas is for kids!” effectively trying to negate our ability to get any joy out of the season without kids to buy (expensive) presents for. Who’d be a parent, when balancing the budget or going into more debt to buy that iphone for 10 year-old Johnny is top of the list? Do kids like simple toys these days? You know, like Lego, musical boxes… BB Guns?

Probably not. And no-one can negate anything about us unless we give them permission.

Whatever your situation if you’re childfree – and most of you are – you have enough to be able to stand your ground. At least, if you’ve been reading the blog all year. You can brush of enquiries and refuse to be drawn on the kid question. You know it will probably come up, even if it isn’t actually said in words. To be honest, not a lot has changed… childfree people are still looked at as oddities for not wanting children, we still get our choices questioned while the childed never do. But we don’t have to defend ourselves, we can say the “why” is none of another’s business. It is NOT easy, as we know from many conversation on this blog –  not by a long, long shot. But then being true to yourself isn’t necessarily the smooth road and that can be hard…and lonely. We do have online communities, like this one, where one important thing happens.

Childfree people learn that they are NOT alone.

Anyway,  whether you celebrate the season or not, I want to wish you and your families the Season’s Greetings –  a peaceful and safe  Holiday Season (Merry Christmas to my UK and European Readers) and a very Happy New Year. Thanks for all your comments,  your participation, posts, article ideas and thoughts,  the comments that’ve made me laugh and the ones that have made me sad, the conversations… and so much more. I read every one of them. You guys truly ROCK, big time! And being Childfree rocks!

Here’s to great things in 2010!

I may do a post between Christmas and New Year… depending on how I feel (taking a break from a very busy year is top of the list right now). Feel free to comment as usual on any of the posts – most are evergreen – and see you next year.

BG

Ever had that lobbed at you when you say you’re childfree, or that you don’t have kids? I have. Recently, after telling me how looking after her 3 kids left no time for going out and doing non-kid things such as going out for dinner, a chance acquaintance (and I use the word very loosely) then proceeded to tell me how “lucky” I was because I had time to “take vacations” and “fly all over the world.” Code for “you have nothing else to do have you?”

Now, it’s not that I can’t take vacations (and by the way do do many parents and kids since said kids are often in the same plane and kicking the back of my seat), and I guess I could fly all over the world if I wanted to, but the point was this woman knew hardly anything about me yet presumed to know how much free time I had. It was as annoying as the comment so often made by parents-to-be…jokingly or not: “Oh, you can babysit for us since you don’t have kids of your own…” I think not. You will be getting a baby-sitter. It won’t be me.

In the first place, it isn’t a question of luck. One chooses whether or not to have a child. And, it must  be presumed, one chooses to have a second child. I chose not to have kids. Just because one is childfree does not mean we have nothing else to do with our lives. Of course the implication is that, unless you have kids, any other work you may do is secondary and not as fulfilling, therefore not as worthwhile as bringing up kids. And then there is the undertone that your time could be better spent… doing the work of raising children, which doesn’t leave that much time to do “interesting stuff.” Which in turn I suppose would create a buddy with whom one could gripe with about how hard it is bringing up kids.

The interesting thing is that my life is full. No room for kids, even if I did want them. From juggling a small business with a FT job to pursuing my hobbies and getting time for myself and my husband… I certainly am not looking for more stuff to fill my time. Because I don’t have kids how I decide to spend my time is up to me… and not subject to the demands of a child. Take vacations? You bet. And it’s great to be able to take them when I want to.  The childfree people I know all have full and busy lives – not one of them is pining away for kids to fill their time, nor are they needing permission to enjoy their leisure time or any time for that matter.

I didn’t bother to elaborate on the fact that one doesn’t need to have kids to live a full life. Or that childfree people are just as different and individual as anyone else. I suspected that I’d be wasting my breath and besides I didn’t really care when it came down to it.  But  since it was just another example of how so often people leap to conclusions about the childfree I thought it was worth sharing these thoughts with you and finding out what you thought.

As always feel free to share your thoughts.

This link was sent to me by a reader some time ago, asking me what I thought of this situation so I thought I’d share this for your childfree thoughts and views.

World’s Smallest Mother Risks giving birth

In brief Stacey Herald, called the world’s smallest woman, is “risking” giving birth to a third child. Reading the article you might be forgiven for thinking she’s a heroine… after all  Mrs Herald suffers from Osteogenesis Imperfecta, which causes brittle bones and underdeveloped lungs, and means she failed to grow. She’s 2 foot 4 inches, can’t hold her daughter, relies on her husband to do most things around the house. She has a genetic disease. But despite it all, despite doctors telling her it would be risky to have more children, she’s not only pregnant with their third, she wants more.

Said Mrs Herald – ‘All my life my parents had told me that I could do anything. Then there were these doctors telling me that we couldn’t be a complete family. It really hurt.’

As this is American Thanksgiving I thought it would be fitting to focus for a while on giving thanks and counting our blessings – childfree and otherwise. I try to always remember how blessed we are. And I want you to know that I extend the same blessings to you that have been bestowed upon me.

Having you in my life, and being able to share my thoughts on being childfree with you is something  for which I’m very grateful. Reading your comments, your insights and life stories is inspiring, and I’m also grateful for that.

I am grateful for many things in my life. When it comes to being childfree I’m thankful that we live in a part of the world where we are free to exercise our choice to be childfree. And even though it’s far from a conversation starter at your average party and may cause leaden silences at the family dinner table, we are still free to choose. Where people have a problem accepting our choice, we have the wisdom to know that it’s their problem, not ours. It’s not to say our choice is easy… in many cases as the road less trodden, it’s not easy at all. Nevertheless we have the freedom to choose.  Because of that I can live my life the way that’s best for me… and not the way someone else says is best for me.

Being childfree brings its own benefits and I’m grateful for every one of them. While we may be faced this holiday with people telling us we’re lacking “something” because we don’t have children (yes, it’s coming up to that time of year) we have the power to let it all roll off us. Because we’re thankful for ALL our blessings…It’s so important to take a moment to be grateful for what we do have because only when we give thanks for what we have can we be in a position to
attract more of it. I want to master the feeling of authentic gratitude because I know it’s central in helping me live a truly fulfilling life. So, even though we’re not celebrating Thanksgiving in Canada (it was in October) it’s still an opportunity for me to write down all the things I’m thankful for and look forward to being thankful for many many more.

Happy Thanksgiving to our US readers!

As always, feel free to share your thoughts and comments.

Does the fact that someone is childfree merit such a lack of respect between partners? I’m thinking especially of this thread On Men, Kidults and Not wanting kids where, among other things we’ve read how somehow wanting a child seems to be more important than anything else, certainly more important than the other partner and the relationship.

And first, thanks to Josh and everyone else who has contributed and shared on that thread – and of course on all the others.

The complete acquiescence to having a child, even if you’ve been quite clear about the fact you don’t want any, is seen as “growing up”, “being normal”, “being right” and “being sensible.” That means, as we have seen in both Josh’s story and and Lisa’s contribution that in a relationship where one partner wants kids, the other partner’s views become irrelevant.  Why? Suddenly one partner is put on the defensive, having to defend why they are childfree and that changing that would be a bad thing to their own partner!  This is the same partner who knew all along that being childfree was part of the other partner’s personality and will, yet still dismissed that as being less important than the fact that she (I am using she in this case since the original post was about men) wants a child.

In other words, they thought the partner would change their mind (read – I never really took you seriously about being childfree) or that they would change their minds for them (read – my wanting a child is more important than  what you want). Then there is the clear message – “having a child is, to me, more important than our relationship.”

So what exactly does this mean? To me it means the woman is saying to the man that having a child is more important than everything we’ve built, more important than being childfree and comes before everything else. Including respect. The husband has to be careful not to end up with a child regardless, by way of being oopsed. Some men will give in, either worn out by the constant pressure or maybe even believing that perhaps it won’t be as bad as they’d thought… and maybe they were being selfish, etc, etc. It’s hard when everyone you know, even those close to you thinks the complete opposite of childfree.

I wonder, with that kind of pressure (and you can read all the conversation in the thread) what kind of values would be passed on to the child? I’m sure that respect for others would be at the top of the list, but when you’ve pressured someone else into doing something which clearly isn’t in their best interests, how can you teach respect? Some women  will say that  they can’t help wanting a child, and that not wanting one isn’t normal. Having kids is “what you do”… isn’t it? Will they then encourage their own kids to put pressure on their partners to get what they want? To ignore their partners in the quest to have a child?

We have no idea how many relationships break up because suddenly one partner decides they can change the childfree person’s mind about having kids. Although it’s a sad thing I am happy that Josh and everyone else who is going through a rough time has taken the time to share… and that at lease they know they are not as crazy as their partners would have them believe. It goes without saying that I am grateful I am not faced with such a painful choice –  relationship and being true to oneself or children (as we know it never stops at one child). We both respected each other’s choice and I don’t expect that to change

Putting up with “oh you’ll change your mind” and the lack of respect from strangers is one thing. Having to endure it from a spouse is something else entirely.

Your thoughts?

Actually, I prefer a totally different term. Childfree people, or,  if you like, childfree men and women. Despite the blogs, internet forums and the 21st century, there is still  a good dose of ignorance about childfree people. I was thinking about this today and among other things thought that it would make for slightly different post. One that you can add to yourselves.

Here are some truths about childfree men and women

Childfree people:

…are no different from anyone else. Hence irrational shunning because they don’t feel the need reproduce is just, well rather stupid to say the least.

…come from a wide variety of backgrounds

…put up with an unacceptable amount of intrusion into their private lives. Why is it anyone’s business why we don’t want kids?

…give more thought to the issue of whether to have kids or not than their childed counterparts…

… are (very) often ridiculed for choosing not to have children…

…enjoy the fact that their lives are open to other possibilities other than having kids…

… aren’t impressed with the argument that their time is less important “because they don’t have kids”

… refuse to be ruled by a “biological clock”  and  don’t buy into  societal myths that place them at the alter of motherhood…

Childfree women still find it hard to get a tubal ligation

Childfree men are still told “children will help them grow up…”

Childfree people are:

often prepared to walk away from a relationship if the other partner insists on having kids. This is often painful

… already enjoy fulfilled lives

Are aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers and friends…

Are everywhere.

You get the picture. These are only a few of the truths that came to mind. Most people do not know anyone who is childfree, yet everyone knows a parent – or a wanna-be parent.  And unless you happen to go online and find blogs or search for  “Childfree”  sites, it’s unlikely you’re going to meet many childfree people in the course of your day. At work, while everyone talks about babies and children, talking about not wanting children is the equivalent of growing two heads. But I don’t want to talk about that.

Add to the list as a comment your own truth about childfree people… to some extent we have to generalise, however I’d love to see what you come up with.  Feel free to personalise as well. I’ve deliberately kept it short so you can add your bits.

My thanks to a reader, (let’s call her “Sally”) who sent in this very interesting article and link. As the Sally says, it’s probably not unique to the childfree.

I’ve made few if any changes to it because it didn’t need any changes. So anyone who thinks it’s “whining” just look away now and don’t read on.

I also read the article at the link below. And what I will say is this:

I was brought up in an apartment. We were six kids. The walls were pretty thick. But my parents were ALWAYS mindful of the neighbours – and as such if we were rowdy we got a telling off and were told to stop being noisy. None of this “be tolerant cause children need to be children rubbish.” What the..? Neighbours have every right to peace and quiet and you, dear parent, are responsible for seeing your kids understand that and abide by it.  Of course that means you must be willing to control, sorry parent them since kids go as far as they are allowed to go. If you can’t or won’t, move out and get a house. Apartments are not for everyone. They are for those who accept that everyone has the right to a peaceful abode.

I am thankful I live in a condo now where it looks like there are no kids. We’ve lived here for 5 years. If there are any kids they are very quiet as we never hear them. So everyone’s happy.  I must add we do have strict noise controls in the condo rules. Everyone signs up to them and our property manager takes all complaints very seriously. I just don’t understand people who seem to think everything should be relegated to the whim of kids’ noise. Having kids is not the benchmark for “tolerance”  and said “tolerance” is often a thinly-veiled order to “suck it up, buttercup – not our fault you’re childfree.”

Anyway, enough from me… for now. Read what Sally says and share your thoughts.

Sally’s story starts here:

“My husband and I live in a brownstone condo in NYC. With the exception of the nutters who moved in with their screaming child and then moved out within nine months, for six years we have enjoyed a blissfully quiet, childfree existence neighbor-wise.

That is until one month ago. A family with a toddler moved into the unit above us
and as God is my witness it sounds like a herd of buffalo up there. Their child seems to be possessed by the devil as he cannot walk, but only runs back and forth and back and forth on HARD WOOD FLOORS, dropping his little toys, which are
made of cement, as he goes.

This fun fest starts  at 7 a.m. and continues to 8 p.m. when they put him to bed.  I work from home and my quality of life has plummeted.  I’m so stressed I can barely focus and I feel like I’m being held hostage by a three year old.

To make matters far worse, Ms. stay-at-home mom has her girlfriends over EVERY afternoon from 2 until 5 pm and they brings their kids who also run around, scream and drop things.

Yesterday there were FOUR strollers in the hallway. I honestly thought my head was going to explode
from the noise. I mean it’s not like there aren’t at least ten coffee shops within two blocks from our building, yet they must turn our building into a daycare center. GET A LIFE!!!

Because we are civilized human beings, last week we left them a VERY nice note introducing ourselves and  explaining about the lack of soundproofing in pre-war buildings and how the running shakes our entire apartment.  We asked if they would be kind enough to put down rugs and rug pads to absorb the shock on the hard wood floors. When we moved in our downstairs neighbor mentioned that she could hear our cat running up and down, so we put down thick pads and thick rugs in the main rooms, including the kitchen because we are not jackasses. And I can say with a great degree of confidence that a 10 lb. cat makes far less noise than a 3 year old human.

In our case we have been ignored by our neighbors and now we have to take on a battle royale. I’m sure that because it’s a child making the noise they think we should just suck it up–because that’s how kids are. Or they’ll label us child-haters or worse. To me, noise is noise and I don’t care who is making it–
but I certainly don’t think you should get a free pass because it’s a kid. I see this as just another example
of the entitled parent phenom. We actually pay more than they do to live here, but yet because they
have a poor harmless child, in their minds, their rights supersede ours. They moved into a quiet building with
an existing community of quiet owners and apparently we must accommodate them. So now we either move, which
means selling which could take months and taking a loss in a crappy market or we sue or we report them to the city. In any case, it will be a major stress fest on both sides and undoubtedly unpleasant all because they can’t put down carpet and tell little Johnny to walk instead of run.  GRRRRR.

In my desperation to find a solution, I discovered this older article in the New York Times which
I thought you might find interesting and may be relevant to some of your readers. Because now all the young parents
want to maintain their edgy NYC persona they refuse to move out to the suburbs, even though it would
actually be better for their children because they would have space to run around. I don’t know what it is
like in Canada or London but as you can read in the article, children are becoming one of the most frequent cause of noise complaints in NYC.  In a very noisy city, that is a pretty frightening development.

I particularly enjoyed (sarcasm) the comment by the mother in the article who said that being a parent makes you more sensitive and understanding. As childfree we hear that all the time, but I’ve never heard it applied in this context. I think my situation is a perfect example of how truly selfish people with children can be. Because really in what way is she sensitive if she doesn’t understand how  she is disturbing her neighbors and that they have
rights too? I know that she means that another mother would understand that life isn’t always perfect and kids will be kids. But as is clear in the case outlined in the article,  she is not being particularly sensitive or tolerant of her neighbors who chose to not have children and have different kinds of lives. Her sensitivity extends to her offspring. Oh, how very self-sacrificing!!  In my mind that doesn’t really count.What would be self-sacrificing would be if she said, “Hmmm, because I have a child maybe I can’t live in a charming pre-war brownstone because of the type of architecture used to construct these buildings since my son runs around like a demented and evil Chuckie doll every day and I have no intention of controlling his behavior or actually parenting him.” Instead, I’ll make my neighbors sacrifice for a child that is not theirs!  Awesome!!

Plus, I can GUARANTEE that if she had someone above her waking up her little darling from his nap with blasting hip-hop music her tolerance and sensitivity would undoubtedly be imperceptible to the offending party. I would also bet if she couldn’t earn a living because she couldn’t concentrate in her own home, she would probably feel remarkably less sensitive about noisy children.

While my comments and this article may be construed as “whining” by at least one of your readers, it was on my mind today and I wanted to share the story with you as yet another way those with children try to get over on the childfree.

Sorry for the rant and thank you so much for listening and for all that you do!”

Sally’s story ends here.

Thanks to “Sally” for both sharing – and writing this article. It must be a nightmare situation to be in.

Here’s the article link – I read the article: The noise children make is a growing source of complaints

And here’s the comment from the West Side Mother:

“I think you become a more sensitive person when you have a kid — you have to become more tolerant and understanding,” the Upper West Side mother said. “You kind of realize that life is not as tidy as you’d like it to be.”

My response to that? You don’t need to have a kid to be tolerant and understanding. And frankly I find it neither tolerant nor understanding if you expect other people to live with noise created by your offspring. My own parents never thought their kids had the right to disturb others just because we were kids.

What are your thoughts? As always feel free to share on the blog.