Reactions To The Childfree Choice - Part I
18 06 2006People, particularly women who decide not to have children are often faced with a wall of hostility should they reveal their choice publicly. They are, more often than not the subjects of disapproval, angry, venomous reactions from people who cannot accept their choice. So childfree couples often don’t draw attention to themselves. They don’t want to be publicly censured for what is a life choice.
Mothers are the fiercest critics of childfree women. I have often wondered why this is and I think one reason is that you are seen not to be validating their own decisions. If you are a woman who for some reason could not have children and have come to terms with it and are living childfree, the reaction is likely to be different. That, for some reason seems to be acceptable. You probably get a pat on the head and a sympathetic nod. Men tend to be a lot less critical, both of other men and of women who’ve decided not to have children, and for some reason come in for less disapproval from women.
If you are brave enough to say that you don’t have children because you don’t want to have them, or that you feel that parenting is not for you, the reaction is very different. Here are some of the comments you’re likely to get, some from perfect strangers, some from people you know, most comments made within a few moments of meeting you.
- “Isn’t that selfish of you?”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You don’t know what you’re missing”
- “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
- “Who will take care of you when you’re sick?”
- “But women are programmed to want children, it’s natural.”
- “You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person.”
- “It’s natural to want children”
- “You’re missing out on what life is all about.”
- “You must feel so unfulfilled.”
- “But what do you do with your life if you don’t have children?”
- “It must be so lonely for you.”
- “Don’t you want to leave your genes behind?”
- “But raising children is the most important job in the world!”
- “Aren’t you being irresponsible?”
- “Who will carry on your name?”
- “Ah, you chose a career over having children!”
- “It’s different when they’re your own.”
- “You must hate children.”
- “You both have good jobs, you can afford it.”
- “It’s anti-Christian to decide not to have children”
- “You’re messing with God’s plan (to procreate)”
At best many of these are huge assumptions, at worst they are intrusive and insulting and actually untrue. So how does a childfree woman respond? In Part II I’ll post some of my own responses. If you’re childfree and you’ve had to face these or similar comments and questions, how have you responded?
Can you imagine being an evangelical christian fundamentalist woman, who has made the child-free choice, and then suffered the slings and arrows of both men and woman purporting to be under the love one another commandment. Can you imagine being strong and remaining sane while they beat you over the head with scripture, gossiped about you behind your back, called you “unnatural” and “a child of the devli” to your face, openly reviled you in bible study classes and at women’s conferences, arranged for the church deacons and trustees to counsel you without your prior consent, and even arranged for you to be repeatedly and openly attacked from the pulpit by your pastor? Can you imagine that? Well, I am here to tell you this is part of my life story. It’s a small part of the story that led me to run for my life and my marriage and my sanity as fast as I could away from that sick and twisted “sisterhood” of women and the men who they obeyed. All people who purported to be christ-like, while breeding like rabbits and abusing those who chose not to.
TT - First I want to thank you for posting and sharing this. 2nd - I had the strangest feeling reading your post - because, sadly, I do know to some extent what you are talking about. I was a charistmatic christian for many years and, as you may have noticed on my about page - I had to stop going to church to keep my sanity. So sorry you had to go through that. It is such a shame that Christians, who are supposed to love and respect one another behave in this way, even more of a shame that I know that what you went through was probably much worse. I know how sanctimonius and hurtful some Christians can be and I can even guess the verses of scripture they quoted at you.
You were very brave to be able to leave, only strong people can do that (I know people who went through severe depression after having to leave their church, particularly if it is a huge part of their lives. Good for you for escaping!
I left off going to church before I fully decided having children was not for me, but I know that if I had still been going to church it would have been hell on earth for exactly the reasons you describe. I used to sit an listen to some of the things said and think I was the crazy one! It was a reliefe to find out I was not. I still have my faith, but I have decided I do not need a church to validate it. Been there, done that. Not doing it again.Check out the Purple Women blog at some point… you are certainly not alone. Thanks again for sharing this.
Thanks for the tea and the straight from the heart chat. Your quite right no one needs a church or organization of any kind to validate their belief system. Too bad more people in those organizations don’t know that the way we do.
I came from a conflicted background steeped in christianity. My father was a charismatic (I loved him dearly and he died 4 years ago leaving a hole in my heart). My mother is a conservative christian (she is living in s nursing home and is suffering from dementia). I miss my real mother too very much - the mother she was before she became demented shortly after my dad’s death. I alteranted between two churches of chritians who each thought the other flock was misguided. In reference to new testament teachings I have retained the correct spirit (not the letter) of the teachings and I still sing gospel in my own home only because I can’t do so without weeping. In the buddhist community and in the native north american community I have met many others who like myself escaped from the ghetto of cruelty populated by the less than compassionate christians. Despite that I will make every effort to become egana’s friend. In fact when I visted her blog and read the list of her interests I liked her a lot, but I felt compelled to say “don’t evangelize” to protect her from the negative way I would respond if she did that.
I’m spending the rest of my day outside in the sun working on the acreage and preparing for my pottery work cycle which begins again tomorrow and runs until Monday. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Bye for now
tt
I think you did well to say what you did. It was very up front and honest - but then you are a very upfront and honest person, and, if I may say so, strong. Most would have been passive-aggressive about it, not saying anything. Have a wonderful (if busy) weekend!
Wow, I feel like I am reading somebody else’s email. Bloggin is so cool.
Hey Purple Woman! I agree
Great post, thanks for posting this!
Thanks Robin!
I’m not saying I’d actually SAY any of these but…
“Isn’t that selfish of you?”
And having kids is NOT selfish? You don’t know if they will end up having a good life or a crap one! You’re having them probably not JUST for them but also for YOU! Because YOU think you should or you want them etc. AND you’re helping crowd the planet! Plus, if I wish to help people they’re are MANY other people already here I can help!
Plus, what’s wrong with a little selfishness? If my well is dry how can I water others? Who is it selfish to? My non-existant child? What if someone kills them or rapes them, was I selfish to HAVE them? Hmm?
“What’s wrong with you?”
Nothing, I’m perfectly sane. I know what I want - no kids. You know/knew what you want - kids. Good for you, good for me.
“You don’t know what you’re missing”
OH YES I DO!! Pooey nappies/diapers, being woken up by a sick child, I could face a rebellious horrible teenager! Potentially less time, money, freedom and energy I DO know what I’m missing!!
“Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
I have read that there is NO guarentee your kids will! I’m sure someone will.
“Who will take care of you when you’re sick?”
I’ll use the extra money I save from not having kids and put some towards my health insurance, pension etc.
“But women are programmed to want children, it’s natural.”
No, it’s not! MOST women want children but to most rules there are an exception. About a fifth to a quarter of women at least in the Western world plus many in Japan do NOT want children! How do you know EVERY woman wants children, have you interviewed every single one? Woman are also socialised to want children, it’s not just biology so that is part of it too. Think about it. ALL men well OK most can have children but not all men want to even though they can make them. Besides, although humans have a lot in common they’re all different too! Why wouldn’t there be differences in whether or not we want to have kids!
“You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person.”
Speaking from experience I believe I HAVE met the right person and guess what? HE doesn’t want kids either! So he’s even MORE right for me! And I like having “me” time plus I like having extra time/money/energy/freedom etc. to spend with/on him. We can go out for dinner on a whim for e.g. no sitter recquired, don’t have to take junior every time!
“It’s natural to want children”
See above. It’s the vast majority, yes, but to most rules including in nature there are exceptions.
“You’re missing out on what life is all about.”
WHAT? Life is what I make it! To ME, travel and going on and having time to myself and having time with my husband and helping others and having FUN doing things we like is what life is about! And learning stuff! If to you life is all about having a family then good for you DO that! Life is about what you want it to be!
“You must feel so unfulfilled.”
FAR from it! I have a HUGE list of things I want to do with my life! Almost every single day I am SO thankful I don’t have kids (the other days I don’t even think about it!) HOW could THAT be called unfulfilled?
“But what do you do with your life if you don’t have children?”
How long have you GOT? Travel, study, work, dance, sing, read, write, play games, surf the net, learn languages, save money, shop, learn to play instruments there’s SO much I can do with my life! Right now I’m working and studying and enjoy my free time I play games, surf the net, chat on forum, chat to hubby, see my friends, take photos, go walking, sleep in! and plan my future! I have a HUGE list of things I want to do and wonderful places I want to see. I’ve already travelled to over 12 countries which I LOVED and it was a LOT easier to do that WITHOUT kids in tow I’LL bet!
“It must be so lonely for you.”
No! That’s where FRIENDS come into it! Some women find having kids can be more isolating, it depends it can go either way. I have started going to a group based on an interest of mine and am making friends. We also are friends with a couple a block away - she’s pregnant but good for them - and then there is our families, parents, cousins, siblings and then of course hubby & me. Today my husband and his friend got into an impromptu football game in the park and made even MORE new friends!
“Don’t you want to leave your genes behind?”
Are you KIDDING? Although I am perfectly healthy and sane (I’ve been checked!) there is mental illness in my family. I don’t have it but what if I carry the gene and my kid got it and got it BAD?! Yes my man is gorgeous but he has a big nose and I have a flat one what kind of a nose would our KID have? We’re both short and I have big legs and we have bushy eyebrows. I don’t even know my father so god knows what kind of genes HE has given me!
“But raising children is the most important job in the world!”
Oh yeah RIGHT! Who is to say what the most important job in the world is? How would kids and families get on with no doctors? Or no teachers? Or no electricians? Or no carpenters? Or no libraries? Or no shops? Or no chemists? Or how boring with no singers and music or writers? Well, you get the idea!
“Aren’t you being irresponsible?”
NO! I am being responsible! I realise that I am getting on and we don’t have to money, time etc. (yet!) to raise kids how we want to give them the best, we don’t even have our own house but share a flat. I have seriously weighed up the pros and cons of this. HOW many parents have I as a teacher seen that have these kids then don’t give a damn about their behavior or health or learning etc? TOO many! Or even just the mum that is on her mobile every day she comes (very late) to pick up her son. And drops him off to school two hours late many times cos she can’t be bothered! How many people think they can cope then abuse their children or neglect them? And I’M irresponsible??!!
“Who will carry on your name?”
Our family name was changed, many people are racist about my husband’s name cos they dont’ like his culture (Muslim name) so we don’t care about that! What a stupid reason to have a child! Besides we both have brothers who are married with two children carrying on the name. If I was a Smith, Jones or Brown or even Chang or Mohammed (i.e. a very common name) would you STILL give me this argument?
“Ah, you chose a career over having children!”
No, my career sucks! But yes I like the extra money. The city I live in IS one of the most expensive three countries in the world and not having kids DOES make it easier to manage. I chose having peace of mind about not having to worry about kids and be responsible every evening, weekend etc. over having children. I chose sleeping in. I chose the zillion interests I have that I want to pursue. But if someone does chose their career so what? It’s their body and their life! If someone chooses a child over a career so what? It’s their body and their life. Just make sure you’re a good employee or mum! Oh and AS for those who are working mums! Good for you but bags not that looks EXHAUSTING!
“It’s different when they’re your own.”
No, I don’t think so in a way. I work with kids and I adore them. But I like coming home to my child-free life. But I need that break. What if I have them and it’s NOT different, can I put them back IN there? You wanna help me do THAT? It can also be more heart-breaking if they’re your own and your teenager is swearing at you or breaks the law or abuses drugs or gets abused!
“You must hate children.”
Yeah, that’s why I chose (initially) to work with kids - to torture myself! Some child-free people hate children, some can stand them in small doses, some likes other people’s children. I enjoy working with them but I find them hard work - as well as fun and lovely! - and I enjoy even more giving them back at the end of the day!
“You both have good jobs, you can afford it.”
No, hubby’s work has only picked up these last six months. Hmm let me see. OK we can afford it but we choose to spend our money on other things like our relationship! Like each other! Like dinners out and travel and other ways to keep our love fresh! I work and he works very hard for our money so why not spend that money enjoy that money on ourselves rather than little people who don’t do the work and often don’t appreciate the generosity just look disappointed and hollar for MORE!
“It’s anti-Christian to decide not to have children”
Well let me see. Anti-Christian. OK. Well first of all hubby’s Muslim. Yes, childed women are even more respected than child-free but even if he’s the first child-free Muslim he’s happy about it and he’s a devout Muslim too! So the anti-Christian thing doesn’t bother HIM! And I’m an EX Christian! I’m now into New Thought and a bit of witchcraft so the anti-Christian thing doesn’t bother ME!
“You’re messing with God’s plan (to procreate)”
No, I don’t believe any more that God has a plan for me. It’s MY plan and MY plan is to NOT procreate! If there is a God then he’she wants us to be happy. And I’m happy without the kids thank you! It’s God’s plan for many people to procreate (who want to and most people do) but I don’t think God wants everyone to have tons of kids and over-run his beautiful planet!!! And bleed it dry! There! I’m done!
My response to a chap who said I was missing out when I told him I didn’t want to produce progeny was “How f**king dare you say that to me!” That shut him up and he visibly winced and I felt fabulous saying it. I’m sure he won’t be saying that to any other woman again (if he’s got any sense, anyway). Sometimes it’s very cathartic to say exactly how you feel and it may prevent those who are rude enough to pronounce on the subject from repeating the offence.
AthenaMarina - Whew! Thanks for leaving this comment! Touching on every point took work - this is great and hopefully will give others some idea of how they can respond should they be faced with these assumptions.
Peggy - That must have felt so good!
Good for you. I agree saying what you feel not only makes you feel good but probably goes a long way to correcting the misconceptions. I wish we did it more often. Thanks for visiting and your comment.
I strongly believe that women are socialized to have children. Most women just ” try” to get pregnant, then do. They then become caretakers to the child, it becomes normal to them, they don’t know any other way after they have the child. If they would take the chance to get to know themselves and try a life without children, they might just like it. Usually, the women gets pregnant though, then she doesn’t have the choice for childfree living. OOPS!
@Coleen - good point. I also think many women never even stop to consider any other alternative - except the one of of getting pregnant and having children. As you say, perhaps if they got to know themsleves better…
I am sick and tired of being asked why I don´t want children. To make matters worse, I am married and well-off, so people think is my “duty” to reproduce. I usually send them to hell, because it is none of their business, and they don´t even deserve a polite answer….