Like It Is

BlogHer 06 is over. A blogging conference for women.  From the accounts I’ve read so far it seemed to be pretty good, certainly from the reports on the BlogHer website.  I think it’s great that women’s voices are being heard on-line through blogging. They’re in every sphere of the economy so no surprise they are in blogging.

 At the same time I feel a little uneasy that women who blog are being defined as… well, Women bloggers. Why?  Not that they aren’t women and  not that they aren’t bloggers.  But why describe themselves by their gender?

Do you ever hear people talk about men bloggers? Or a male blogger? I don’t. They say simply bloggers. No gender attached. In what way is a “blogger” different from a “woman blogger?”

Does it matter anyway that women bloggers are often defined by their gender? (and by the way I know there are many bloggers who are women who prefer not to be described as a woman blogger, but simply a blogger. For this reason many remain anonymous or use an indefinable or male pseudonym).

Does it enhance or hinder women as bloggers? What  image appears in your mind when you hear “blogger” to when you hear “women blogger?”   Does it depend on what they blog about? Or does it not matter?

I view this in much the same way as I view the Poker landscape. I  prefer the term “Poker player” to “Women Poker player”. In other words it shouldn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, you are simply a Poker player.  In blogging as in Poker, it seems that bloggers who happen to be women for whatever reason seem happy to define themselves as women bloggers, rather than simply bloggers. And even BlogHer’s tag-line is “Where the women bloggers are”.

Back to my Poker analogy, with the exception of the professional  Poker players there is a big difference in how women play poker compared to men.  And many men (and some women) players consider women’s Poker as somehow “less” (less competitive, less aggressive, less in your face).

Is it the same with blogging? Are women bloggers warmer and fuzzier?  Or are we just as apt to be stroppy as men? Are we taken  seriously when it comes to blogging?  Or should we feel we have to hide our light under a (virtual) bushel?

Caesar’s Tower from Guy’s Tower, originally uploaded by TownieBrit.

England is famous for its castles and during my last trip to England in July I was able to visit one of the most fascinating: Warwick Castle. To get to the top of the Towers we climbed up the tiny spiral staricase, so narrow that you had to walk up sideways. 500 steps in all. And with it being one of the hottest summer evenings on record, what a relief it was to get to the top! And worth it for the wonderful views.

Want to know the history of Caesar’s Tower? Explore the Castle by clicking http://www.warwick-castle.co.uk/warwick2004/tc_explore_castle.htm

What will I do with my life? What a question. Why do people ask it?

Because children tend to completely fill and even take over the lives of their parents and many women can’t even remember their lives before they had children. O.K. Fair enough. The inference I get from certain quarters and from mainstream society, however, is that a life without bringing up children is somehow less meaningful, less important, empty, and needs to be filled with children to count for anything. Which I find a load of sanctimonious rubbish.

Equally nonsensical is the underlying assumption that Childfree lives are empty and/or frivolous. and should be questioned, if not looked down upon. There is a decided air of superiority of those who parent over those of us who have decided not to parent. And even though you shouldn’t have to, you sometimes feel you have to inform, to set the record straight.

Yesterday was just one illustration of how free I am to order my life more or less as I choose. Friday afternoon, end of a hectic week at work. My husband rings me at work and says “hi honey, we hadn’t planned anything for this evening, but how’d you fancy dinner tonight, we could meet at 6 at our favourite restaurant…” My response – “great idea, see you there at 6.” Later that evening as we sat enjoying our dinner I reflected on how much I enjoy and appreciate the spontaneity of my life. Collecting children, arranging baby sitters, making alternative arrangements, pacifying significant others, worrying about getting back in time, phoning in to check on children – I do none of these things.

I am able to do all the things I want to do, which I wouldn’t be able to do had I children. Investing in my relationship, travelling, professional and personal development, exploring other places and cultures, playing instruments, sports, reading, writing, working at the career I want, theatre, dining out, volunteering, relaxing, building relationships and just being. I can have days when I simply choose to do nothing if I want. It doesn’t really matter what it is, the point is my life isn’t circumscribed by children. That may not count for much with parents and may even be dismissed, or frowned upon, however for me and many other Childfree people it is wonderful to have this freedom. I’m very thankful for it.

So what do I and other Childfree people do with our lives since we obviously have chosen not to have children? Pretty much whatever we choose, when we choose. Whatever it is you really want to do, there is no denying the fact that you have a lot more freedom and money to do it if you don’t have children than if you do.

Happily, I’ve found my Childfree man. So I’m not looking. But when I meet up with my Childfree men friends, they bemoan the dearth of Childfree women. All the women they meet, the men say, can’t seem to wait to start having babies. That biological clock is tick-tocking away like a time bomb (oops am I allowed to say that??) getting louder and louder with each passing day – sorry – minute. Unfortunately, it drives all but the most avid men running fast in the opposite direction. The tendency to wean him from his single, unfettered friends, pimping that house in the suburbs (suspiciously close to schools) or asking “where do you see us in one year/two years/five years?” will have that effect too.

When I meet up with some of my Childfree girlfriends they bemoan the dearth of Childfree men. Permanently Childfree men. The men they seem to meet, they say, a) make it plain they simply do not understand a woman not wanting to have kids, and b) make no bones about the fact that “you, me and baby makes three” are very much on their agenda. So best to get with the program and don’t be bringing up that “childfree stuff” with them.

So what gives? Is this the innate perverseness of the Universe asserting itself? Or is it just a case of mis-matched pheromones?

Someone said to me once that I was missing out on “what life is all about” because I didn’t have kids. Italics mine. I remember that I felt quite offended and irritated that someone who knew hardly anything about me thought they could make such a broad pronouncement about my life. In her view, she felt quite qualified in making this statement – after all she had children, which mysteriously seems to make some think they are suddenly experts on what life’s all about.

If life was all about having children then it would be a very restricted and narrow life.Understand this. I like children (some of them anyway). I just cannot imagine my life being defined by children. If your life is your children, and your children are your life that’s fine. For you. I know that many parents realise themselves through their children and for them they cannot imagine their lives as not defined by their children. I’m not so sure that’s necessarily a good thing, but I wouldn’t try to convince them otherwise. I have chosen to define my own life, yet still have to endure those who insist that having children is the only way for a woman to be truly fulfilled and as such having children is goal to be pursued at all costs.

But why assume it must be that way for everyone, or get upset when childfree people don’t share your world view? Why get offended when childfree people don’t think your children aren’t as wonderful as you think they are, or we don’t buy in to the baby or child scene at all, or prefer to find our fulfilment elsewhere, or worse, don’t even think about whether or not we are fulfilled. I personally never wonder about whether I am fulfilled or not. I don’t have a gaping hole in my life that needs to be filled. Neither do I feel there is something missing that I need to account for. Mothers (and some mothers in waiting) assume that because they find fulfilment in their children, everyone must find fulfilment in children too. This view is as short sighted Read the rest of this entry »

If you’d like to contact me, you may do so at berrybrit@gmail.com

As well as playing Poker I watch quite a lot of it on TV. In fact, if our TV is on at all, it’s on a Poker game. I find Poker a fascinating game that always has something I can learn.

Today I was watching the Womens Poker UK Open, a rare opportunity to see all women poker play. Personally, I prefer mixed poker tables but this was worth watching. I always bemoan the dearth of women Poker players particularly on the international circuit. It was because of this that our own social ladies Poker night was created – with some great women players. There are thousands of Poker players the world over, however relatively few of them are women, and even fewer are women who play in the world tournaments. I’m not sure why this is.

I’ve heard some women say they prefer playing only with other women because they don’t like the testosterone round the table when men play and sometimes they feel intimidated, and they also prefer to play socially. I’ve heard other women say they prefer playing mixed games and that it boosts their confidence hugely when they give the guys a run for their money. Because they are just as good. And I have watched some great women poker players, for example Barbara Enright, Kathy Liebert, Cindy Violette, Jennifer Harman, and Annie Duke. These women are hugely successful, highly respected and have won millions in prize money, as well as the coveted WSOP (World Series of Poker) bracelets and trophies. They play with the best of them. And some, like many of the men, play for a living. Some women object to women only poker tournaments, saying that it’s a backward step that damages women’s chances of progressing further in poker and levelling the playing field. The jury is still out on that one. I think it is a comfort thing. I also think that as more women poker players enter and win tournaments, the need for women only tourneys will decrease.

I play in both a women’s Poker group and a men’s poker group. Both are social, which means we play for low stakes and it’s more about the social element. The difference is that with the guys we play Texas Hold ‘Em Sit and Go tournaments, while with the girls we tend to play Dealer’s Choice. Both are fun, but very different. I also play on-line poker (there are several sites where you can use play money) which I find is an excellent way to learn and improve my game with players from all over the world.

Watching the Women’s Poker UK Open today though, I was struck by the difference in the style of play between women and men. There were six contestants from all over the world all vying for a place in the international finals. This was the 4th Heat. The grand prize is about $40,000 a trophy and a diamond ring. All good players, some were professional poker players, some were amateur. So it really was battle Royal. This was no social game. I’ve watched many such contests with either men only or mixed tables and I’ve learnt that Poker is not about many of the mis-conceptions non-poker players have about the game. It’s not just about having good cards, or just about bluffing, or even just about the cards you hold. Among other things poker is about making the right decision quickly learning as much about your opponents weaknesses and strengths so that you can turn it to your advantage and win. It’s about being disciplined, patient and observant, and willing to learn And being aware that you can make the right decision and still have the wrong outcome. That’s poker.

I found it very interesting to watch how the contestants in the all women World Open played. While men tend not to give away any “tells” if they could possibly help it (tells are clues as to what cards you hold, particularly when you have a good hand), the women tended to give away lots of them. I’ll say this: It is hard to keep a poker face, it usually has to be practised, a lot. Still, you need to give away as little as possible otherwise you might as well tell your opponents what you have. The women also tended to be content to survive in the game, rather than bet aggressively, even though their instincts were very good. Being too quick to bet when they had a good hand was also another give-away and failing to raise rather than simply call was another.

But the worst thing, in my opinion was, when one of the women on winning a big hand and a huge pot ,kept saying sorry to the person whom she beat in the hand!! . And kept on saying sorry. And then, because she felt sorry for the loser, showed her cards! Telling your opponent you’ve got a pair when trying to make a decision… Aaargh! Stop!! I have never, in all the tournaments I’ve watched, ever seen a guy do any of those things.Ladies - Never say you’re sorry at the Poker table! Poker is war and don’t forget it. Empathy isn’t a bad thing. But it just doesn’t belong at the tournament poker table when you’re playing to win big money. So if you feel sorry when you win, you really shouldn’t sit down at the Poker table.

You have to be bold, aggressive and ready to play the game, whether you’re a guy or a girl. In a Tournament (or Freeze Out as it’s also called) you must play your position and you must play to win. Poker doesn’t have any favourites.

You don’t want children? You’re childfree? Oh, you’ll change your mind

…when you meet the right man

… when you meet the right woman

…in a couple of years

…when you get married

…when you settle down

…when you’re older

…when you’ve been married two years. Or three years. Or five.

…when your friends start having children

… when you hold your sister’s/brothers babies

Right. Hands up childfree ladies and gentlemen who have heard one or more of these responses when they’ve told people they are childfree or that they don’t want to have children. Or even that they are just thinking they might not have children. Now, has your response to the comment done anything to convince the person making the statement? I would guess not really. If it has, do tell.

While there are several possible responses, the simplest being “I’ve already made up my mind” somehow all they seem to elicit is an amused and knowing smile, or a story of so-and-so who professed to be childfree and now has a brood of kids and is soooo happy… “we knew s/he’d change their mind” they say.. “S/he just hadn’t met the right person….”

Meanwhile, all you want to do is wipe that smug all-knowing smile of their faces. You can’t of course. Well, you can in your imagination. But sharp retorts just make you appear defensive. It’s frustrating.

That you will change your mind about wanting to have children has to be one of the most common assumptions that people make about childfree people. It’s also one of the most annoying and patronising. It is very often directed more at women (men, correct me if you think otherwise) particularly (but not always) single women and its basic inference is that the childfree woman’s decision is simply a whim, set to change as soon as Mr Right shows up. In effect it dismisses her choice as being less worthy than the choice to parent.

I have never heard anyone say to a woman who expresses the desire to have children that she will change her mind! Have you?

Chances are when you are confronted with the”you’ll change your mind” statement there’s little you can say to convince the person otherwise. So usually once I stated that I already had made up my mind I didn’t waste my time trying to persuade people that I do in fact know my own mind.

But wait just a minute!

We feel annoyed when we are faced with this assumption. I don’t know if childfree men feel the same way. We find it patronising, upsetting. irritating. But does it mean women don’t change their minds then? How do we feel about this in terms of the reactions we then receive? How does it affect our reactions, if at all? What about people who have been on the receiving end of a woman (or man) who had willingly and knowingly decided to be childfree, then reversing her (or his) choice mid relationship with quite severe consequences?

Consider The Brit’s comment on the “Childfree Series: Reactions – Responses” post on this blog:

. ..you raise some interesting points, in my experience I notice a change in a woman’s behaviour as a relationship develops, whilst at the start of a relationship the “baby” word will never come up for fear of scaring the guy off, as the relationship develops and a “future” becomes a distinct possibility baby fever will start to set in. Needless to say the future of the relationship is pretty much terminated at this point.

I have met a number of people who on initial meeting have not wanted children only for them to do a U-turn as the relationship developed.

A different perspective indeed. Plenty of food for thought. What say you?

The Reactions to the Childfree Choice Part II – Responses is well underway. If you’re interested and haven’t yet read the articles, simply click on Childfree in the side bar to easily bring up all the articles in the order they’ve been written.

If you’d like to read or revisit the list of common assumptions childfree people have to tackle (and which the Responses series is based on) click here or on Childfree in the side bar. The latest article is “Childfree? But Women Are Programmed to Want Children.”

The next article in the series is Childfree? You’ll Change Your Mind…

…It’s natural. Or, in other words,“What’s wrong with you, that you don’t want children?”

Ever noticed that when you don’t follow the crowd, people’s first thought is that there’s something wrong with you? It’s pretty clear that if a woman doesn’t want to have children she is regarded as strange. I do know that while many women do want children, many don’t. Statistics show that more and more women are deciding not to have children for a variety of reasons. (This, incidentally is now a big worry for some Western countries).

Many women are ambivalent about having children but go along and have them anyway. Many look to, and are guided by society as to what they should want (be this family, community, media, church, fear of standing out, fear of being different, fear of losing friends, or fear of having to make new ones etc) and don’t really give any thought to there being an alternative to procreation or that they have a choice. Some want something to fill or complete their lives and this may be a child or children.

None of the above apply to me. I’m glad I have a mind of my own that isn’t easily swayed by public opinion, or what society and its various representatives say I should be and/or do and that I am able to stand up for what I feel is best for me. And I gave a lot of thought to my choice. Society makes it less than easy though, when at almost every turn you are faced with having to “explain yourself” for your choices. You almost have to expect the intrusive questions, the assumptions.

But if this means there is something wrong me then the truth is I’d rather be “wrong” than “right”.