Childfree? You Don’t Know What You’re Missing
8 07 2006Oh, but I do. And since I know I don’t want it, I can hardly be “missing” it can I?
But wait, let’s consider this for a moment. How can you miss what you have never had? The simple answer is you can’t no matter what anyone tells you. You can want something really badly and feel you are missing out, but you are only missing out if you think you are. It really is relative.
Every day I’m thankful that I am “missing” these so-called wonders, because I absolutely love my life just as it is. I aspire to be and do certain things, but don’t crave what I’ve never had. I’m pretty content. I know there are things that parents simply would not miss out on when it comes to rearing their children. And that’s fine. What I find hard to understand is the insistence that everyone has to experience them as well, and if they haven’t because they’ve decided not to have children, they have to be made to feel bad about it even though they may be very happy as they are.
In Reactions To The Childfree Choice Part I, One of my readers and commentors provided an ample list of the things that childfree people are indeed missing – happily. Read it and add to this the daily struggle to bring children up, the expense, the noise, loss of sleep, potential and actual loss of career, potential and sometimes actual loss or deterioration of your relationships, reduced opportunities to do other things you may have wanted to do. And if your child turns out to be not so ideal despite your best efforts, (which is entirely possible) you’ve that to deal with too.
Of course, if you mention these things to people with children, in response, you will find most parents will assure you that “it’s worth it.”
haha “it’s worth it” my foot… when the kid’s just vomited on the floor, wailing her lungs out, let’s see if they’re say the same sentence with such indulgence…
the childfree choice is just like any other non-conventional choices individuals may make, like the not-wanting-to-marry choice, or the not-wanting-to-diet-despite-being-fat choice, or the not-breastfeeding-the-baby choice… anything unconventional is generally condemned by the stereotypical individual who does everything conventional and approved by the society.
Too true. And how about wailing for over an hour after take-off in an aeroplane? Worth it indeed! I assumed the mother was trying to quiet the screaming child, but now I don’t think she was, she’d given up! And we all had to endure it.
I agree that you can’t miss what you don’t have. It is impossible to do everything in life so I believe in choosing what you want to do and relishing it. Children may indeed be “worth it” for parents but my childfree status is definitely “worth it” and more for me.
Welcome back to this side of the pond, britgirl!
britgirl and others too - I responded to two comments from sulz and sunburntkamel on my own blog on this subject. On the first go round I edited out some stuff I felt that was just too much information. Now I have had the courage to put it back in. If you would like to read it it’s at
http://coyotes.wordpress.com under “The Rock and the Wild Thing”
Thanks Rebecca - and very well said! I couldn’t agree more.
TT - I read it, it’s brilliant. Very intimate, so brave, I think, of you to share. Thanks - and thanks for posting! The blog is coming along
I get a similar reaction when I tell people that I am an only child. I was asked this more when I was younger, and I guess you can’t expect young people to be very skilled conversationalists, but I would expect adults to be. (I know, I am a bit of an idealist = often disappointed.)
Common reaction to revealing I am an only child: “Oh, don’t you get lonely?” Answer: No, you don’t know any different. Of course it has colored how I developed into an adult, it shapes me. I now crave alone time. That’s how I refuel.
Of course we don’t miss something we’ve never had, and it applies to siblings as well as offspring!
Great post NikkiJ (er, BritGirl)!
“Y’know, that’s funny, because I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I get to live my life the way I want to, my husband and I can live in the neighborhood we want to and not worry about the school district. We can travel where we want and when we want, saving money traveling off-peak because we don’t have school vacations to consider. We can go out to dinner or a movie or a show on a whim, we can see concerts without panicking about finding a babysitter, or we can go away for a romantic weekend without calling every couple hours to check how the tots are doing, and we can do this all last minute. I love our life.
What was the question again?”
Teri - Hmm I wonder if you’d said yes, whether they’d be wondering when a little brother of sister was going to be produced! I remember reading about a man who agreed who had one child - and was constantly pressured (usually by women) as to when they were going to have a sibling for the “lonely” child. They implied he was being cruel only having one child!!! You just can’t win can you?!
TL - Missing out? No way! for all the reasons you say and more. Being able to travel off-peak is wonderful. No noisy children about, nor fractios parents.. and it’s cheaper too