Childfree? But Women Are Programmed To Want Children…
16 07 2006…It’s natural. Or, in other words,“What’s wrong with you, that you don’t want children?”
Ever noticed that when you don’t follow the crowd, people’s first thought is that there’s something wrong with you? It’s pretty clear that if a woman doesn’t want to have children she is regarded as strange. I do know that while many women do want children, many don’t. Statistics show that more and more women are deciding not to have children for a variety of reasons. (This, incidentally is now a big worry for some Western countries).
Many women are ambivalent about having children but go along and have them anyway. Many look to, and are guided by society as to what they should want (be this family, community, media, church, fear of standing out, fear of being different, fear of losing friends, or fear of having to make new ones etc) and don’t really give any thought to there being an alternative to procreation or that they have a choice. Some want something to fill or complete their lives and this may be a child or children.
None of the above apply to me. I’m glad I have a mind of my own that isn’t easily swayed by public opinion, or what society and its various representatives say I should be and/or do and that I am able to stand up for what I feel is best for me. And I gave a lot of thought to my choice. Society makes it less than easy though, when at almost every turn you are faced with having to “explain yourself” for your choices. You almost have to expect the intrusive questions, the assumptions.
But if this means there is something wrong me then the truth is I’d rather be “wrong” than “right”.
I am thrilled at your article..As I get older, and being brought up “crazy catholic”, people around me (close friends/family) operate around this assumption that I am not really serious about not wanting to get married or have children. It’s nice to know that there are women out there that secretly or overtly loathe the idea. Like you, I don’t see many happy married women. I see a lot of frantic, exhausted, dissatisfied women. I think what’s more tragic is this category of ‘ambivalent’ women that you mention. Personally, I’m pretty grossed out by children and childbearing. I know it’s natural, but you know, so are other less appreciated bodily functions, such as passing gas, puking, urinating, etc. We don’t insist that this element of humanity is beautiful as well..I mean come on! Childbirth, even when it is broadcast on TLC for everyone to see–even in the best of circumstances is pretty freaking gross. And I think what bothers me the most about this notion that since I am a young viable woman that it is part of my internal psyche to want children and to rear them..I have no desire whatsoever. It really defies all my reasoning to want this for myself, but I fear that because I feel this way, even though I’m attractive, successful, smart, men won’t want anything to do with me b/c I don’t want to raise their future offspring. I feel that if a man wants to spread his seed so much, he should raise the kids himself. Even if my partner agreed to do this, and I agreed to work outside the home primarily, I would be dubbed selfish and a bad mother. Ah, so many conflicts arise with this lifestyle choice.
@WW - thanks for your comments.
“It’s nice to know that there are women out there that secretly or overtly loathe the idea”.
There are women that loathe the idea of having kids, certainly. But there are also those who, while they don’t loathe the idea, simply choose not to have kids for a variety of reasons.
“Like you, I don’t see many happy married women. I see a lot of frantic, exhausted, dissatisfied women”.
I didn’t say I don’t see many happily married women, certainly not in this post…I know several happily married women. However, with respect to working and bringing up children, and the examples I see around my focus is on women who struggle to frantically juggle work, career, relationships and raising kids, with or without external help, which leads to them always being in a state of total exhaustion. My point is that rather than jumping on the “I must have kids because women are programmed to” bandwagon, women should look do a bit more thinking about it.Most don’t seem to at all.
“We don’t insist that this element of humanity is beautiful as well..I mean come on! Childbirth, even when it is broadcast on TLC for everyone to see–even in the best of circumstances is pretty freaking gross”.
Yes. But society has somehow romanticised it. Now we are told that it is the most beautiful, wonderful and fulfilling experience we as women can ever have (and what’s more, our husbands have to be there to share it,even though they’d probably be elsewhere, and that if we haven’t had that experience, we’re not real women…. And it seems that most people have readily bought into that clever campaign…
“It really defies all my reasoning to want this for myself, but I fear that because I feel this way, even though I’m attractive, successful, smart, men won’t want anything to do with me b/c I don’t want to raise their future offspring”.
There are many men who don’t want kids and want to meet like-minded women. They complain many women they meet/would like to date are in one of the stages of “baby fever” or looking for a father for young kids.
The answer is simple - you just need to find one of those likeminded men and stop wasting time and thought on the ones that are only interesting producing heirs