Like It Is

You don’t want children? You’re childfree? Oh, you’ll change your mind

…when you meet the right man

… when you meet the right woman

…in a couple of years

…when you get married

…when you settle down

…when you’re older

…when you’ve been married two years. Or three years. Or five.

…when your friends start having children

… when you hold your sister’s/brothers babies

Right. Hands up childfree ladies and gentlemen who have heard one or more of these responses when they’ve told people they are childfree or that they don’t want to have children. Or even that they are just thinking they might not have children. Now, has your response to the comment done anything to convince the person making the statement? I would guess not really. If it has, do tell.

While there are several possible responses, the simplest being “I’ve already made up my mind” somehow all they seem to elicit is an amused and knowing smile, or a story of so-and-so who professed to be childfree and now has a brood of kids and is soooo happy… “we knew s/he’d change their mind” they say.. “S/he just hadn’t met the right person….”

Meanwhile, all you want to do is wipe that smug all-knowing smile of their faces. You can’t of course. Well, you can in your imagination. But sharp retorts just make you appear defensive. It’s frustrating.

That you will change your mind about wanting to have children has to be one of the most common assumptions that people make about childfree people. It’s also one of the most annoying and patronising. It is very often directed more at women (men, correct me if you think otherwise) particularly (but not always) single women and its basic inference is that the childfree woman’s decision is simply a whim, set to change as soon as Mr Right shows up. In effect it dismisses her choice as being less worthy than the choice to parent.

I have never heard anyone say to a woman who expresses the desire to have children that she will change her mind! Have you?

Chances are when you are confronted with the”you’ll change your mind” statement there’s little you can say to convince the person otherwise. So usually once I stated that I already had made up my mind I didn’t waste my time trying to persuade people that I do in fact know my own mind.

But wait just a minute!

We feel annoyed when we are faced with this assumption. I don’t know if childfree men feel the same way. We find it patronising, upsetting. irritating. But does it mean women don’t change their minds then? How do we feel about this in terms of the reactions we then receive? How does it affect our reactions, if at all? What about people who have been on the receiving end of a woman (or man) who had willingly and knowingly decided to be childfree, then reversing her (or his) choice mid relationship with quite severe consequences?

Consider The Brit’s comment on the “Childfree Series: Reactions – Responses” post on this blog:

. ..you raise some interesting points, in my experience I notice a change in a woman’s behaviour as a relationship develops, whilst at the start of a relationship the “baby” word will never come up for fear of scaring the guy off, as the relationship develops and a “future” becomes a distinct possibility baby fever will start to set in. Needless to say the future of the relationship is pretty much terminated at this point.

I have met a number of people who on initial meeting have not wanted children only for them to do a U-turn as the relationship developed.

A different perspective indeed. Plenty of food for thought. What say you?