Almost as soon as you say that you’ve decided not to have children, you are likely to get this question:
“Why don’t you like kids?”
Or this one: “Do you hate kids?”
Or a variation on the following:
“Isn’t it sour grapes because you can’t have children?”
“You’re just jealous of those of us who’ve had children”
“You must hate kids”
Some may say that these accusations, questions and assumptions are understandable. After all, society has a deep-seated belief that we are meant to procreate. People are “supposed” to have children. They are “expected” to reproduce, expected to breed no matter what. Every pillar of society from cradle to grave supports this belief. So, as a childfree person, I am well aware that I am, in many respects, going against the grain. It is some tide to have to swim against. It’s unfair that I should face an Inquisition because of it, but the rewards for living as I want based on my own intelligent decisions,and not how people say I should are too great for me to lose too much sleep over people’s uninformed accusations. And I offer no apology. Personally I don’t find the accusations understandable at all. And I know some find them painful.
However, I believe it is important to address and correct assumptions. and misconceptions And one of the Big Guns levelled at you when people discover that you are childfree (and intend to remain so) is that of not liking kids. (Note: I intend to address the related misconception – “not liking parents” in a separate article).
It so easy to be intimidated when you are faced with this accusation because you immediately want to set the record straight. Who wants to be thought of as a “child hater”? Hence, some childfree people go out of their way to explain that they DO like kids, they work with them, live near them, babysit them etc, etc. Once when talking about myself to a group of people who were introducing themselves to me, each adding on the number of children they had, I found myself saying I do not have children, and then following it up with “but this doesn’t mean I don’t like them… I do like them. I just decided not to have any”. I mentally kicked myself as soon as the words were out of my mouth. Why did I say that? Why did I feel I had to make amends for my life choice?
First of all, deciding not to be childfree does not automatically mean that you dislike children. I happen to like children, depending on how old they are, whose they are and the circumstances in which I meet them. There are some circumstances where I have no tolerance for them whatsoever. However, there are some people who do not like children and have decided not to have them for that very reason, or at least that is one of their reasons. They can’t stand children at any age and they do not like being around them. And they are perfectly entitled. To my mind they are doing absolutely the right thing by not having children. But here again what do people with children say to them? So intent on convincing a childfree person to have a baby they say “Oh, you’ll like them when they’re your OWN!” Just have one, you’ll see, it’s different when they’re your own…” What is that supposed to mean? It tells me that there are probably quite a few parents who probably don’t like kids either – apart from their own.
You have only to pick up the newspaper or listen to the news to hear of the latest atrocity committed against children. Truly, it beggars belief. The huge amount of things done to children, from verbal and physical abuse to neglect and abandonment, are done in the main by people who not only have children, but who purport to love them and who are their caretakers. Not by childfree adults.
Though they may not have children of their own, childfree adults believe in children having a positive future, but through better education about the realities and the demands of parenting, not the current saintly hype that is based on myths and societal pressure.
Childfree. Non-parents. Doesn’t mean we don’t like children. Nor are we anti-child. But I will not be having one to prove otherwise.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen to not having a child just to prove one is not anti-child. That wouldn’t make much sense, and I don’t know why the childed don’t get that.
As for your question about the boxing gym. . .there are only five locker, one of which I’m allowed to use because I also volunteer. I was thinking of allowing Sadiq to put his things in mine the next time he comes in.
Very well addressed. Noticed while passing by …
@someone who loves dogs. Thank you.
“I am well aware that I am, in many respects, going against the grain.” I think that’s a key point to note here.
Of course, sometimes it’s simply because they’re unfamiliar with CF people, BUT I do think that some non-childfree people specifically pigeon-hole CFers into the “hates kids” camp because then it’s easier for them to digest/understand us not wanting kids. The possibility that a childfree person LIKES kids on occasion (and may even work with them) is a scary prospect, because then it means everyone has this “choice” — we’re not all “sub-normal” or “unnatural”, we’re just like YOU! — something which a lot of people haven’t considered before, that you don’t have to mindlessly breed for breeding’s sake without considering an alternative life choice. Liking kids but not having kids is a real eye-opener in some people’s worlds!
@ a femininist – I believe this to be true. And even scarier to them might be the thought “So I had a choice?” and the answer “Yes, you did”.
Hi britgirl,
Came to your blog via the forums and this post stood out for me. I’m currently 26 and am in a long term relationship. We always used to say that we would probably have children by 28! Realising that this is now very close, we have said that neither of us wants children yet. However, it got me thinking whether I want children at all. I’m not sure, but my girfriend definitely does. If I don’t, where does that leave us!!
P.S. I’m not a ‘child hater’, well not all the time anyway!
@mevetts -thanks for visiting! Here is my personal view. If one of you feels that you don’t want kids or may not want kids, and the other definitely does I see warning signs. Big ones. You need to talk to each other, not about what you’ve always thought you would do, but about what you want and each needs to be clear about what the other wants. Unless you are prepared to simply go along with what your girlfriend wants regardless of what you want. I will say this – there are many men who really did not/ and do not want children or would be happy without them, but had them because their significant other (whether wife or girlfriend) wanted them. Men tend to go along with the flow.And I wouldn’t underestimate the pressure that is to come if one in the partnership wants kids. I will also say this – if one partner wants children and the other doesn’t there is likely to be trouble down the road.
I don’t want to scare you (honestly) but it can break relationships – I have seen it do so. Wanting or not wanting children is so fundamental to a relationship that you need to have the conversations sooner rather than later. You need to be having them now. At least then you will both know where you stand on the issue.
Don’t have children. Don’t have children. Dont’ have children. Use birth control, get fixed, abort. NO CHILDREN MEAN A HAPPY FULFILLING LIFE. Children are ungrateful beasts when they turned into teenagers.