Like It Is

Assuming that children actually keep you company when you need them to. Or that they provide a replacement for adult company. Do they? Certainly many parents become completely pre-occupied with their children to the exclusion of all else, as many a childfree person with parenting friends can attest to.

Or is the underlying assumption by some that having friends could never equal having children in terms of company?

Children, from the time they are born are absolutely self-centred and self-focused. That’s to be expected. You are there to serve them. They are completely dependent on you and their needs must come first. Also to be expected. Parents willingly oblige, often sacrificing their own needs. This is also to be expected. The children then go off and get their own friends and interests as they grow up and live their own lives, leaving the parent suddenly wondering what to do and who they are. This, to many non-parents is one of the most unappealing aspects of parenthood, the apparent abdication of one’s own life and interests to live through (or for) your child. Those interests include friends. Your child may become your friend, but is that really what they are for? Is that a reason to have children? To keep you company?

To gain all my validation through the life of my offspring? Not for me. That would be heavy load to lay on a child of any age. Yet many parents not only do this (and this is their choice), but criticise non parents for not being willing to do the same thing!

Actually, if the children leave home these parents are probably the lucky ones. More and more, grown up children are opting to return or continue living at home instead of face the reality of maturity and its attendant responsibilities and hurdles. If the parents don’t (or won’t) encourage them to leave, while they may have the companionship of adult children, they may also be supporting them both emotionally and financially, using up assets meant for their own retirement. They will also have added complications if, for example the parent has been divorced, a new relationship beckons and the children remain a large presence in the household.

In terms of feeling lonely, quite how children are expected to fill that need I’m not sure. And mothers of young children often say that they feel lonely and miss adult company when they are bringing up their children.

So are childfree adults lonely? I can say I most certainly am not. I have my relationship which is extremely important to me, and I also have like-minded friends as do many other childfree people I know. Because they are less likely to rely on children as a source of friendship (or for that matter, occupation), childfree adults tend to build meaningful relationships and friendships, either through networks or social clubs of like-minded adults. The relationships they build may also include various nieces and nephews as childfree people often play an important part in their lives.

They may not necessarily find their new friends on the same street or even in the same community, but for people to assume that being childfree means you must be lonely is just one more tiresome misconception.

No pun intended.