Childfree? But Raising Children Is the Most Important Job In The World!

Well, at least that’s what society would have women believe. And, parenthood may well be the most important job that many will take on. But does that really mean it’s the most important job in the world? Who says so? And why do some women believe it? They must believe it since they frequently use it to try and convince childfree people to reproduce. I think it’s because parenthood is so hyped by society, the media and even parents themselves, that women simply buy into the myth almost automatically.

The problem with this assumption of motherhood being “The Most Important Job In The World” is that it immediately relegates any other endeavour that a woman might do, or might consider doing, to at most a secondary position with little or no importance.That becoming a parent is the most important job in the world is a pro-natalist view directed at women, the sub-text being that no matter what they may do or aspire to, it pales into insignificance when compared to having and raising of children.From a childfree perspective, in fact from any perspective, that’s pretty bleak. The outcome of course is childfree women being roundly criticised if they decide they don’t buy it.

Now, if a women has children as well as achieving or doing other endeavours, then to the critics that’s somewhat o.k, as long as she remembers that rearing children should always take priority. I say somewhat because working mothers get plenty of hostility thrown their way as well.If the kids are not seen to be coming first, then to the critics (and a large chunk of society) she’s a Bad Mother. I’ve touched on some of the issues that raises in my previous post “Childfree… You Obviously Chose a Career Instead of Children…Part 1.

Of course, should the woman be unable to have children (as long as they’ve tried all the available IVF treatments ever invented) they are excused. Keep in mind they are likely to be questioned on this, and advised as to what they could try if they are have trouble having kids. It amazes me that some women see nothing wrong in offering this advice to further the “must be a mother” cause. It’s something I personally would never ask. But, the important point is – at least they are making an effort to have kids. If a woman is performing some kind of caring, nurturing role (preferably low paid, or better still unpaid) instead of having kids she is grudgingly excused. A useful get out of jail free card: when described in loving detail caring for an elderly relation though usually unrecognised, apparently shuts up the critics like a dream.

The most insidious problem, however, is how having children is so hyped and so well marketed. Like any slick marketing campaign, it only tells one side of the story: that which the marketer wants you to hear. And, like any effective marketing campaign product positioning is key. Do we ever hear the stories of the sacrifice, the hardships, the constant demands, the complete subjugation of one’s own life and desires? Are these ever presented? No. I suspect that if they were there might be less people jumping on the baby conveyor belt. Which is probably why the other side of the story is downplayed or sanctimoniously presented thus:

“Oh yes, children are hard work, but they’re worth it/every sacrifice and pain they require.”

“A good parent knows that the children come first.”

So why would anyone want to skip such a wonderful life-enhancing, enriching experience of baby nirvana? When you’re being told right from the time you’re little that “When you grow up and have children it will be the crowning of your life’s greatest achievement, and You Will Live Happily Ever After.” Right.

I invite you to think about what the inverse of that statement implies.

When considering most questions, we are always quick to point out there are two sides to every story. Yet, it is unthinkable in our society to present the other side of the saintly parenthood story. Unthinkable for a mother or father to say aloud:

“I wish I’d never had kids. It hasn’t been the experience I thought it would be, or that I wanted. I put in so much, yet the troubles outweighed the rewards… It really wasn’t for me. I wish I’d known.”

Or “If I had my time over, I wouldn’t have kids.”

Such a person would be vilified and probably accused of heresy. Which to some it is. No, rather than presenting both sides of the much hyped parenting myth, it is more important to preserve the conspiracy of silence.

Many buy into that myth; some find out – too late – they’ve been had, and many turn around and use it to pressure others to have kids. That having kids is the Most Important Job They’ll Ever Do is one of the strongest messages society gives to women and many women duly pass on to their daughters. Fortunately an increasing number of women (and their partners) are insisting on knowing all sides of the story, and are refusing to accept that their lives and endeavours are less meaningful just because they decide not to reproduce.

So what to do when someone suggests to you that you are somewhat less for deciding not to have kids?

You could be nice about it. Try to explain where you’re coming from. But that isn’t likely to work, in fact it leaves the door open for more criticism of you, descriptions about how “wonderful” motherhood is, more pressure and a few more sanctimonious words, just for good measure. Either way, you’re more likely than not to feel on the defensive. So I find “nice” is ineffective and a waste of time and I prefer to tell the critics to “kindly” get lost. Much more effective.

Then, carry on doing exactly what you wanted to do. Go and climb your mountain or fly your plane, race in the Grand Prix, run for political office or run that company, take that plum assignment whatever it is you want to do – knowing it is the most important thing to you because you say it is.