“If You Had It To Do Over Again – Would You Have Children?”
19 10 2006This was the question Ann Landers asked in her famous survey. With shocking results.
In one of my recent articles I quoted the Ann Landers survey. You may or may not be aware that Ann Landers (you can do a search on her) was a popular advice columnist who wrote a regular column in the 1970’s. She wrote it for over 20 years, however one of her most famous articles was the one where she published the results of the question above. At the time I searched for the survey in its entirety but could only find references to it. When one of my commentators asked me if I knew where she could lay hands on the survey I started searching again, without much success. And then I stumbled across a link to Happily Childfree and amazingly, there was the Ann Landers survey!
It makes such interesting reading that I thought I would reference it again and share it with you here.
As has been noted – YES, it was done in the 70’s. BUT, many of the observations made by parents who wrote to Ann are, in my opinion, just as relevant today. In fact, today it seems even more difficult than ever to be a parent. And, as HCF points out, this was not a scientific survey. It didn’t need to be.
The point it makes is very simple.
Many people do not enjoy parenthood but they will only admit it under the cover of anonymity.
The fact that such a huge number felt they would not have children if they had to do it again (a shocking 70%) may boggle the mind at first, but when I think of it, I (and I would guess many childfree people) probably shouldn’t be that surprised. Or should we? Some of the reasons the respondents gave were the very reasons that I decided I didn’t want to have children. Still, 70%!! Ann admitted that the number shocked even her. And she thought she’d seen and heard everything.
No, what is more shocking (even today) is the fact that the dirty little secret is covered up, complete with a conspiracy of silence by parents, while women are continually advised that they need to have children in order to be “real women” derided if they decide not to, and badgered into believing that parenthood is, or should be, their ultimate wonderful goal and that without children they aren’t really a “family”. For some, I don’t doubt parenthood is wonderful. But for everyone? Clearly it is not.
As Ann mentioned in her article and I quote:
“If it is true that a large percentage of the parents in this country are sorry they had children, why don’t we hear more from them? Because such an admission goes against the grain of what we have been taught is human nature. Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what. To speak disparagingly of one’s offspring is socially hazardous.
Trouble with a husband, on the other hand, is a common topic over teacups, luncheon tables, bridge hands and telephones. By the same token, a battle with the little woman is discussed candidly at bars and clubs—wherever men meet. Plain talk about marital problems is a national sport, because everyone knows no marriage is perfect. But parents who have trouble with their children are inclined to keep their mouths shut—unless their troubles have been in the newspapers, or the parents happen to be in the company of other parents who they know are having trouble with their children”.
I hope you enjoy reading the survey as much as I did. Thanks to Happily Childfree (who has a great site by the way and is listed in my Blogroll) for posting the survey.
Interesting link. If this was presented as two separate questions:
- “If you had to do it over again, would you have children?”
- “Do you regret having children?”
I believe the answers, in most cases, would be appear inconsistent, even if they do essentially amount to the same thing.
The book “I’m Okay, You’re a Brat” by Susan Jeffers also breaks this taboo of discussing the dissatisfaction of being a parent. I think it’s a must-read for anyone before they have kids, and even afterward. Let’s face it, some people will always have kids and they shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed if it doesn’t match up to their ideal. Compromise and negotiation is a big part of life but it’s difficult to accept if you’ve been sold a bill of goods that only shows the happy Kodak moments. It’s a disservice to not tell people the truth about parenting, that it’s a difficult job and often times, not enjoyable. If more people went in with a clear idea of the challenges I think there’d be less dissatisfaction and less judgment against the childfree. So often the pressure and comments from childed people comes off like sour grapes. They got roped into it, how do we get off scott-free? Short answer: we did a lot of thinking about it and decided it wasn’t for us (key word - decided).
The bottom line is the more real information people get about what it is to be a parent the better a decision they can make for themselves (and for any potential children).
The implications are of course, regarding the standard of childrearing. The better parents would be the minority 30% who didn’t regret it. In fact, all of society would be far better off if this forced breeding programme wasn’t so entrenched.
I know my sister would fall into the 70%. She has never said directly, but I know she is jealous of my child-free status.
And my answer to:
“If You Had It To Do Over Again – Would You Have Children?”
is NO !
@stormcloud - “”The better parents would be the minority 30% who didn’t regret it.”
I don’t know - I wouldn’t necessarily agree that the numbers correlate with how good or bad the standard of parenting was. Given how hard parenting is I know that there are parents who ARE good parents, try their very best and still their children may turn out “bad.” And there must be those in the 70% whose children turned o.k., but still the price they paid to bring them up made the parent think that, given their time over they wouldn’t do it again. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Perhaps, as RMS says, if parents were more honest about parenting, less people would buy into the myth and end up disappointed.
But all you hear about is how wonderful having children is.
Well, people lie.
When I was in college in the early 90s, I hadn’t seen or heard of the Ann Landers survey, but I knew I really didn’t want kids. So I asked my friends who were older students who were married with kids if they’d still want kids if they had it to do all over again. One of them was a total breeder (and it was reflected in her kids who were always in trouble) and said OF COURSE she’d have her kids and she couldn’t believe anyone would suggest she might not have wanted them. The other three said, “You know, if someone had told me how hard it was, I might not have. I would have really had to think about it. Maybe I’d have had them when I was older and more prepared, but maybe I wouldn’t have had them at all.”
That was enough for me! I didn’t realize at the time how rare it was to find parents who would be truthful about the experience.
@Phoena - yes, parents like that really are like gold dust.
RIGHT ON! After 20 years of marriage, I have to admit I regret that we had kids. This is terrible, as they are great kids and it certainly isn’t their “Fault”. But it is undeniable that having children bled all the fun, ease, spontanaety, — all the things that made life happy - out of our marriage.
It is a never-ending stressful chore just to exist from day to day. Some people glide through it with ease, and don’t even miss what they gave up. But for most of us, forget it.
I wish to GOD more honest things like this were made public, instead of all the “parenting” crapola books that I got suckered by.
Don’t let this happen to you! Think about those long Sunday mornings lying in bed with your wife, those times you just drive out of town for a weekend and spend 2 days doing nothing but stare into each others eyes. I could go on and on. Once you have kids, those days are OVER and they are never coming back. Make sure you really are willing to trade that for being a parent, because the “parenting” books are a CROCK. There is no “balance” between child rearing and intimacy. It is a TRADE.
I love having a child and being a mother but I wholeheartedly agree that parenthood — and marriage for that matter — should not be automatic steps for everyone. Rather than the majority, I believe it is the minority that can emerge from the reality of marriage and/or parenthood without regret. Not necessarily because those institutions are so horrible. No. It’s just that life offers so many choices beyond the traditional ones. Parenthood became automatic back in the day when a girl couldn’t just pick up and become a graphic artist in Toronto or San Francisco. Today it makes no sense to shift into autopilot and go the traditional route, because with parenthood, when you discover you’ve made a mistake you can’t turn back.
It is good to have this honest forum so that women and couples can really think things through before they make the leap. More food for thought … another automatic thing people seem to be doing is having a SECOND child. Again, this is something people should make sure is truly right for them and the child they’ve already brought into the world before they just “do it”. I’m willing to bet that many who regretted having children had more than one and couldn’t stand the fighting.
Hummm….if I could do it over again would I….have children….NO NO NO!
Hummm….if I could do it over again would I….still get a vasectomy…YES YES YES!
…see how easy that was to answer…snip snip…smile smile…
Thank you all soo much!
I stumbled on this website by accident and it is the best thing I have ever done. For so long I said I never wanted kids from the time I was about 13. People always told me that I would change my mind when I met the right person…blah, blah, blah!
I was shocked to find out that I thought they were right, I had a miscarriage in January 2006. It was a very hard part of my life and after that I was convinced that i needed to have children at some point in my life to be happy with myself. My boyfriend of 3 years has always said he never wanted children and we just had the discussion the other night. I called him selfish and told him that it was crap that he wouldn’t care to include me in the decision to have a vasectomy. OMG!! What have i turned into?!? I don’t want children I just liked the idea of children and I was really about ready to lose the love of my life because I was the one being selfish!! Again, thank you soo much I really dont know that I would have realized what I was doing without some kind of support.
Casey,
It’s so easy to just fall into line and go with the huge pressure women receive to have children. It helps to just shut everyone up and get people off your back. Problem with that is, they’re never “off your back.”
And I think that you hit the nail on the head with your comment, re, “I just liked the idea of children.” I think so many women fall into that trap. It’s an idea that’s been romanticized. The reality of the situation is so so different.
Stick with us. We’re a great support group. Visit other childfree blogs. And never forget that the person who is here NOW (your boyfriend that you love) is worth more than mythical, non-existent people (children - that can be a crap shoot when they grow up anyway.) Sort of a different take on the “A bird in the hand is worth more than 2 in the bush.”
The best thing I have ever been blessed with is my son….I have never wished that I didn’t have him although I have often wished that I had never gotten married.