Childfree? But Weren’t You Once A Child?
7 11 2006Someone said this to me once when in conversation I mentioned that we had decided to not to have children. Obviously irritated by the word “decided” and “not to have” and completely mystified as to how I could possibly not want kids (and still be normal) their response was one that I of course could hardly refute.
Yes. OK. I confess. I was once a kid. In some ways I still am. As childhoods go, I consider I had a pretty good one. Of course, we tend to edit out the parts we don’t like and only remember the good bits. There were aspects of kid-dom that I liked (I’m sure we all have them) and aspects that I absolutely hated (I’m sure we all have them too). But so what?
To me, having been a child is not a reason to have a child. Or is it? Given the fact that I was being faced with the implication that I was “copping out” in some way, I surmised that for some childed folks it appears to be valid a reason. Maybe it’s one they use when they run out of convincing arguments. You were a child once. Someone brought you into being. So how could you not want to have your own and create others who want to have their own?
There is one crucial element people who pose this question ignore and that is, while we had no say as to how we arrived in this world we certainly do have a say as to how we live in it once we are in it. At least after a certain age. We have choices, one of which is whether to have children or not.
Whether or not a person had a great childhood isn’t enough reason for saying one should have a child. They are completely different things. Yet it seems to feature prominently on the list of reasons given to childfree people as a reason their decision is somehow flawed.
Even more important, having a great childhood (or a not so great childhood) isn’t any guarantee that
a) - you will be a good parent
b) - your child will turn out as you want them to
c) - that you will even remotely enjoy being a parent
The only solid reason to bring a child into being is one that is completely selfless… nothing about the parent, it should be all about the child and whether the parent is prepared for it to be all about the child.
When I ask childed people why they had children, I can count on one hand the number of times the response has been of the “selfless” kind. Quite the reverse.
And “Oh I had such a wonderful childhood and I wanted that for my child…” really is all about the parent.
I was talking with my boyfriend about having kids (not now!) after we’re married. Reading your post just made me relieved. I always thought that it wasn’t my responsibility to have kids, even if I had a good childhood. Maybe I want kids, maybe I don’t.
I liked your idea that “having been a child is not a reason to have a child.” Because it isn’t. Some people just shouldn’t have kids. They get fed up to easily. Or they hurt their children physically and emotionally. Good post.
I usually get the “But you were a child once, tooooooo!” crap when I say I don’t like kids. My response is, “So? I was better behaved than these kids today!” Normally when I say I don’t want kids, I get crap like, “Awwww, you poor thing, that’s so sad!” (as if I’m going to run right out and have kids because I don’t want people pretending to feel sorry for me.)
The bingos are just ridiculous.
My aunt often gets impatient with people who are doing customer service, often saying they should be better! Well, I reminded her that she once worked in customer service too!
And whenever she gets impatient with someone younger than her, I also reminded her that she was once *30* too!
I also explain to people that I wasn’t really good with kids when I was one!