Childfree? What About My Grandchildren?

Childfree people are well aware of the societal pressure to have children. It’s real and not very subtle. Though difficult, and often irritating, it can usually be dealt with. But there is another pressure that can be much harder to deal with, and that is the pressure from your own parents.

Depending where you come in your family, this pressure can vary in its effect. For example if you are the eldest child, as I am, you are unlikely to escape certain expectations. I always said that if you were the first child, you are the one your parents had to practice with. By the time my younger siblings were born, they could get away with things I never could. That’s because may parents had been there and done that, so to speak. And if your older siblings are having children, the situation can go a number of ways for you for example:

Your older sisters or brothers are most likely providing the grandchildren, taking the spot light off you or

You come under the “Well, what about you, when are you going to follow your (name of sibling)’s footsteps?” spotlight.

If you’re from a patrilineal family (Western Christian tradition generally) where the family name is passed on through the son, then the pressure will be on the son to have children. The pressure on women to have children is always there, regardless.

In my particular case, two of my younger siblings have had children, so at least the dream of being grandparents has been fulfilled for my parents. I believe, however, that parents bring different types of pressure to bear on different children at different times – they use whatever works.

Whichever way you look at it, often the message is the same: There’s an expectation for you to have children. If you decide you don’t want to have children, and can’t be persuaded that you’ve temporarily (or permanently) taken leave of your faculties, then it’s time for the big guns to be trundled out and the gentle hints to become a little more strident – and insistent.

You more or less stand accused of denying somebody else of something they have always wanted. And not just anybody, the very person(s) who brought you into this world and brought you up… probably at considerable sacrifice of their own hopes dreams and aspirations. Your parents.

Good or bad, we don’t get to choose our parents. Or anyone in our families for that matter. And for most people, there is nothing like the effect that parents have, even if eventually you break away from it. Some people never do. How else do parents always seem to be able to play the guilt card with no effort at all? Well, they do know all the right buttons to press.

These may be familiar:

“I’ve always wanted grandchildren..”

“When are you going to make me a grandmother/grandfather?”

“ So-and-so (who just popped out another kid) has made (name parents of friend) a grandma(or grandad) for the second time… they were asking me when mine would be coming along…”

“What a shame the family name will die out with you if you don’t have children…”

“When you have your own, you’ll understand…”

“I never thought you could be so selfish, as to deny me grandchildren…”

This last is particularly cutting and painful, because of course, you’re not setting out to deny anyone anything… you just want to live your life on your own terms and just want your life choice accepted without having to feel like a complete shitheel.

Of course, the worst situations are those where the words aren’t actually said.. but the wistful, sometimes faintly reproving undertones are there. You know it. And unless you’re a completely insensitive person, you can feel it. They know it. And there’s little you can do about it. There are also the little barbs dropped into family conversation, particularly the ones that get others going with the “Yes, you’ve been married how long now? When are you planning on having children? Better not leave it too long, blah blah… You know that so-and-so has just had their third… better get a move on, time’s running out…blah, blah.” And so it goes.

Should you come from a culture where having children is considered fundamental to life itself there is an added twist, by which I mean you can literally be viewed as an outcast if you don’t intend to have them. I won’t bother listing them because most cultures fall into this group.

It can be hard to deal with this particular familial pressure – parental pressure. People you don’t know you can send off with a flea in their ear if you wish. Family, you can’t quite do that. You will be seeing them again, frequently.

Sometimes, for a quiet life, when the issue comes up, if the childfree couple hasn’t already clearly stated their decision not to have kids, they sidestep the issue and try to deflect the conversation away from them, saying something vague like “we’ll see” or “we’re thinking about it” even though they’ve made up their minds already. While this may bring a temporary reprieve, it isn’t for long and it doesn’t really work. The next opportunity the parents return to the question of “When are you having kids?” or “So when are you going to make us grandparents?”

You haven’t told them “We’re not” so they think that if they keep up the pressure, eventually they’ll get the answer they are looking for. Chances are even if you’ve made your position plain they wouldn’t accept it anyway. And chances are deep down you may feel if you boldly state that you’ve decided not to have children, you’ll hurt them. So, why not put it off yet one more time? Anything for a quiet life.

Not a good idea. You can’t make them accept your decision. But you can let them know what it is.At the end of the day it is your life. In fact, that way you can actually refuse to entertain further discussion about it.

Let’s not forget there are all the shades of in-between… There are childfree people who have stated clearly their intention not to have kids – and whose parents still hold out the hope (or in some cases the certainty) that they’ll change their minds. There are childfree people whose parents accept their decision and as a result don’t continually pester their offspring for grandchildren and are supportive.

Perhaps the parents will feel hurt, perhaps they won’t. Perhaps they won’t believe you anyway, no matter what you say. Maybe they will agree that it’s your choice, but never really accept it. The question is, is what they want your responsibility? Is that enough of a reason to have children, if you really do not want to have them? To make someone happy? (Think about this one. How many people have babies simply to make someone else happy?) Then how do you deal with the guilt that parents try to make you feel for not making them grandparents? Do you/have you ever felt guilty about this? Most people love their parents and hate to see them unhappy. Most parents know this… how does their reaction to your decision make you feel? Uneasy? Worried? Guilty? At peace with yourself? Angry?

I don’t think these are easy questions, nor are there easy answers.

But it’s something that childfree people one way or the other, supportive parents or not, are faced with as a result of their very personal decision not to have children.