Childfree? What About My Grandchildren?
19 11 2006Childfree people are well aware of the societal pressure to have children. It’s real and not very subtle. Though difficult, and often irritating, it can usually be dealt with. But there is another pressure that can be much harder to deal with, and that is the pressure from your own parents.
Depending where you come in your family, this pressure can vary in its effect. For example if you are the eldest child, as I am, you are unlikely to escape certain expectations. I always said that if you were the first child, you are the one your parents had to practice with. By the time my younger siblings were born, they could get away with things I never could. That’s because may parents had been there and done that, so to speak. And if your older siblings are having children, the situation can go a number of ways for you for example:
Your older sisters or brothers are most likely providing the grandchildren, taking the spot light off you or
You come under the “Well, what about you, when are you going to follow your (name of sibling)’s footsteps?” spotlight.
If you’re from a patrilineal family (Western Christian tradition generally) where the family name is passed on through the son, then the pressure will be on the son to have children. The pressure on women to have children is always there, regardless.
In my particular case, two of my younger siblings have had children, so at least the dream of being grandparents has been fulfilled for my parents. I believe, however, that parents bring different types of pressure to bear on different children at different times – they use whatever works.
Whichever way you look at it, often the message is the same: There’s an expectation for you to have children. If you decide you don’t want to have children, and can’t be persuaded that you’ve temporarily (or permanently) taken leave of your faculties, then it’s time for the big guns to be trundled out and the gentle hints to become a little more strident – and insistent.
You more or less stand accused of denying somebody else of something they have always wanted. And not just anybody, the very person(s) who brought you into this world and brought you up… probably at considerable sacrifice of their own hopes dreams and aspirations. Your parents.
Good or bad, we don’t get to choose our parents. Or anyone in our families for that matter. And for most people, there is nothing like the effect that parents have, even if eventually you break away from it. Some people never do. How else do parents always seem to be able to play the guilt card with no effort at all? Well, they do know all the right buttons to press.
These may be familiar:
“I’ve always wanted grandchildren..”
“When are you going to make me a grandmother/grandfather?”
“ So-and-so (who just popped out another kid) has made (name parents of friend) a grandma(or grandad) for the second time… they were asking me when mine would be coming along…”
“What a shame the family name will die out with you if you don’t have children…”
“When you have your own, you’ll understand…”
“I never thought you could be so selfish, as to deny me grandchildren…”
This last is particularly cutting and painful, because of course, you’re not setting out to deny anyone anything… you just want to live your life on your own terms and just want your life choice accepted without having to feel like a complete shitheel.
Of course, the worst situations are those where the words aren’t actually said.. but the wistful, sometimes faintly reproving undertones are there. You know it. And unless you’re a completely insensitive person, you can feel it. They know it. And there’s little you can do about it. There are also the little barbs dropped into family conversation, particularly the ones that get others going with the “Yes, you’ve been married how long now? When are you planning on having children? Better not leave it too long, blah blah… You know that so-and-so has just had their third… better get a move on, time’s running out…blah, blah.” And so it goes.
Should you come from a culture where having children is considered fundamental to life itself there is an added twist, by which I mean you can literally be viewed as an outcast if you don’t intend to have them. I won’t bother listing them because most cultures fall into this group.
It can be hard to deal with this particular familial pressure – parental pressure. People you don’t know you can send off with a flea in their ear if you wish. Family, you can’t quite do that. You will be seeing them again, frequently.
Sometimes, for a quiet life, when the issue comes up, if the childfree couple hasn’t already clearly stated their decision not to have kids, they sidestep the issue and try to deflect the conversation away from them, saying something vague like “we’ll see” or “we’re thinking about it” even though they’ve made up their minds already. While this may bring a temporary reprieve, it isn’t for long and it doesn’t really work. The next opportunity the parents return to the question of “When are you having kids?” or “So when are you going to make us grandparents?”
You haven’t told them “We’re not” so they think that if they keep up the pressure, eventually they’ll get the answer they are looking for. Chances are even if you’ve made your position plain they wouldn’t accept it anyway. And chances are deep down you may feel if you boldly state that you’ve decided not to have children, you’ll hurt them. So, why not put it off yet one more time? Anything for a quiet life.
Not a good idea. You can’t make them accept your decision. But you can let them know what it is.At the end of the day it is your life. In fact, that way you can actually refuse to entertain further discussion about it.
Let’s not forget there are all the shades of in-between… There are childfree people who have stated clearly their intention not to have kids – and whose parents still hold out the hope (or in some cases the certainty) that they’ll change their minds. There are childfree people whose parents accept their decision and as a result don’t continually pester their offspring for grandchildren and are supportive.
Perhaps the parents will feel hurt, perhaps they won’t. Perhaps they won’t believe you anyway, no matter what you say. Maybe they will agree that it’s your choice, but never really accept it. The question is, is what they want your responsibility? Is that enough of a reason to have children, if you really do not want to have them? To make someone happy? (Think about this one. How many people have babies simply to make someone else happy?) Then how do you deal with the guilt that parents try to make you feel for not making them grandparents? Do you/have you ever felt guilty about this? Most people love their parents and hate to see them unhappy. Most parents know this… how does their reaction to your decision make you feel? Uneasy? Worried? Guilty? At peace with yourself? Angry?
I don’t think these are easy questions, nor are there easy answers.
But it’s something that childfree people one way or the other, supportive parents or not, are faced with as a result of their very personal decision not to have children.
“How else do parents always seem to be able to play the guilt card with no effort at all?” Oh yes, my parents can make me feel guilty as easy as a look or a few words. ;o)
For years, it was about how I was ‘living in sin’ instead of married. When I had two failed relationships before meeting Hubby and being truly happy, they realised that perhaps I had made the right decision by not jumping into marriage. My attitude to children was also an issue for some time (including when we were sorting out the wording of our wedding ceremony) but it seems to have gone quiet … for now.
I am an only child so there will be no grandchildren for my parents. As secure as I am in my decision, as certain as I am that having children should be the couples decision and no-one else’s … I do feel guilty.
@Rhea
” As secure as I am in my decision, as certain as I am that having children should be the couples decision and no-one else’s … I do feel guilty”.
Thanks for this comment, Rhea. It really is a difficult thing to deal with.And it is hard to describe. Even though my parents have grandchildren and even though they don’t really mention the issue of my not having them, and I am secure in my decision, I just know that if I suddenly announced to them that we were having a baby they would be completely overjoyed - in a big way. I refuse to feel guilty, but can only succeed in that by reminding myself that I should not take on this guilt. Aside from the fact I simply don’t want kids, it is a too huge a thing to take on simply to make your parents happy
been there! we got my mom puppies instead. it got all the pressure off me to deliver grandkids. now she can baby those things all day long and the guilt trips have ceased! also, i think she is finally getting the picture. mind you, i’ve been telling her since i was 15 (i’m not kidding) that i have no interest in having children. i’m turning 29 in 2 weeks and i think she’s finally starting to accept it. i love your blog. your writing is very intelligent.
@Tami - wouldn’t it be nice if people simply believed us when we said we had no interest in having children… sigh. Anyway, thanks for your comments
This is an interesting discussion, and I have a point of view that I don’t think has been covered.
It’s true that the decision not to have children is a personal one. My older son and his long-time partner have decided not to have children. My younger son’s new girlfriend already has two children and is 40 years old, so there will be no more children for her. I have accepted that I will most likely never be a grandmother … because it isn’t my decision to make or my place to express an opinion … but at the same time it breaks my heart.
The life I thought I would have as I aged has been altered completely. My father has died, one of my sisters has died, my mother is in a nursing home with severe dementia, my frail in-laws are in their 90s. My family is getting smaller. Christmas is particularly hard. My older son and his partner travel to spend Christmas day with her family, because her sisters have children and it’s more fun to be with them on the holiday. We will finally see them after Christmas. My other son lives too far away to come, or for us to go to him.
I try very, very hard (and I hope successfully) to never let on to my children, by a glance, a sigh, a silence, or a choice of words, that I feel this way, because I love them and I don’t want them to feel guilty about their decisions.
But don’t think this isn’t hard for someone who loves children and will never have any grandchildren, watching the family get smaller and smaller instead.
Susan,
I am a newlywed. Pressure to have granchildren for someone else’s life is so frustrating. It is so important to have your own life. Allow the new children the opportunity to make their own choices. You made the choice to have children, they may not want them. I would rather have children to want children because they want them, not to please someone else.
The more pressure you give shows that you need to find things to do in your life. Allow your children the opportunity to make their choices.
my mum has said, she doesnt want to be a babysitter so if you had them dont expect me to look after them.
now she knows i am cf, she is happy with my choice as my love my rowan is, suited to me, and mum said she has had her life, and its our choice what we do with our lives. parents have lived their lives, they are just trying to live vicariously through you, and your kids.
tell them its my life, my choice, my decision. got nothing to do with you.. pal..
Sorry, I thought I was clear that I’m putting no pressure on my children to have children. That would be so unfair to them. They’re adults, and need to make their own choices based on what works for them. My older son and his partner are 34 and 31, have been together 13 years and are very happy.
But, I feel the way I feel even though they don’t know it. I don’t think anyone would disagree that feelings are never wrong … the important thing is how we handle them.
Happy holidays to all.
i wasnt having a go at you susan, i was just stating what my mum feels.
that topic is for generalities, if you support your kids and their decisions then your a great parent. but there are pressures put upon children to have children of their own, maybe not by you, but by other people other parents etc..
(i wasnt singling you out susan, i was speaking in generalities)
Thanks, I do understand. Traditionalists tend to think everyone should do things their way, and that attitude is kind of pervasive.
basically my philosophy is, do what you wish, doesnt matter to me, unless it personally affects me.. someone could marry 20 men and women in any ratio.. i aint fussed, so long as they dont force me to change how i live.
if someone wants kids, fine.. just dont expect me to babysit them, or really be bothered by their first tooth etc.. i dont care if someone is gay, straight or celibate or whatever.. so long as it hurts no one and its done by consenting adults.. i dont care.. and if someone tries to force me to change to be a father when i dont want to be, i will fight.. for ME.. not anyone else i have my own life and my own decisions. its my choice..
(this is once again generalities)
Susan - I would never assert that your feelings are wrong and from your post the sadness you feel about not being a grandmother comes across loud and clear. Feelings aren’t ever right or wrong, they just are. I also don’t want to negate what you feel. What I would question is how healthy you feel it is to hold on to those feelings even though they make you miserable. You say you have come to terms with the fact that you will not be a grandmother, but from what you’ve said, I’m not sure you really have because of the feelings the situation evokes in you.
The one thing we can change is our feelings - or rather the beliefs that underlie those feelings. For example, the belief of many women that they can’t be “real women” if they don’t reproduce fuels their feelings that they must have children. It’s a flawed belief, but many hold it and their feelings around having children are based on this fundamental belief, which they then pass on. In the same way, many feel there is something missing if they don’t have grandchildren. You love children - is fostering an option? There must be many children who would benefit from your love of children.
If, however your need is for grand-children that are your own flesh and blood (rather than simply children) to stall a shrinking family, then I can’t see the situation changing in terms of how you feel unless you decide you don’t need to have grandchildren to be fully happy. And on this point, would you not consider your son’s partner’s children as your “adoptive” grandchildren? Just wondering.
It’s completely right that you don’t pressure your children with how you feel, but I would also be unsurprised if they knew how you felt anyway, even if they don’t voice it or show it. I know from experience that children can “pick up” on feelings more easily than people think - I certainly could - and that people underestimate how easily their own feelings show - though they think they have them carefully hidden.
What good people you all are!
Christmas is very hard for me, but it’s over now and I’m feeling less grieved about grandchildren.
Fostering would not be an option for me, since I’m over 60. Been there, done that, anyway. I adopted my older son when he was an infant, and I was a foster parent for the state for a couple of years when my kids were young.
I have a happy life, great kids, and the world’s best husband. The feeling that there’s something missing is very sad, but as I said it’s generally worst at Christmas. Christmas is over, and the feelings that jump up and bite me have abated.
Thanks, all, for your thoughtful comments. Have a happy new year!
@Susan - so glad to hear it
A Happy New Year to you too.