Christmas is very hard for me, but it’s over now and I’m feeling less grieved about grandchildren.

Fostering would not be an option for me, since I’m over 60. Been there, done that, anyway. I adopted my older son when he was an infant, and I was a foster parent for the state for a couple of years when my kids were young.

I have a happy life, great kids, and the world’s best husband. The feeling that there’s something missing is very sad, but as I said it’s generally worst at Christmas. Christmas is over, and the feelings that jump up and bite me have abated.

Thanks, all, for your thoughtful comments. Have a happy new year!

The one thing we can change is our feelings - or rather the beliefs that underlie those feelings. For example, the belief of many women that they can’t be “real women” if they don’t reproduce fuels their feelings that they must have children. It’s a flawed belief, but many hold it and their feelings around having children are based on this fundamental belief, which they then pass on. In the same way, many feel there is something missing if they don’t have grandchildren. You love children - is fostering an option? There must be many children who would benefit from your love of children.

If, however your need is for grand-children that are your own flesh and blood (rather than simply children) to stall a shrinking family, then I can’t see the situation changing in terms of how you feel unless you decide you don’t need to have grandchildren to be fully happy. And on this point, would you not consider your son’s partner’s children as your “adoptive” grandchildren? Just wondering.

It’s completely right that you don’t pressure your children with how you feel, but I would also be unsurprised if they knew how you felt anyway, even if they don’t voice it or show it. I know from experience that children can “pick up” on feelings more easily than people think - I certainly could - and that people underestimate how easily their own feelings show - though they think they have them carefully hidden.

if someone wants kids, fine.. just dont expect me to babysit them, or really be bothered by their first tooth etc.. i dont care if someone is gay, straight or celibate or whatever.. so long as it hurts no one and its done by consenting adults.. i dont care.. and if someone tries to force me to change to be a father when i dont want to be, i will fight.. for ME.. not anyone else i have my own life and my own decisions. its my choice..

(this is once again generalities)

that topic is for generalities, if you support your kids and their decisions then your a great parent. but there are pressures put upon children to have children of their own, maybe not by you, but by other people other parents etc..

(i wasnt singling you out susan, i was speaking in generalities)

But, I feel the way I feel even though they don’t know it. I don’t think anyone would disagree that feelings are never wrong … the important thing is how we handle them.

Happy holidays to all.

now she knows i am cf, she is happy with my choice as my love my rowan is, suited to me, and mum said she has had her life, and its our choice what we do with our lives. parents have lived their lives, they are just trying to live vicariously through you, and your kids.

tell them its my life, my choice, my decision. got nothing to do with you.. pal..

I am a newlywed. Pressure to have granchildren for someone else’s life is so frustrating. It is so important to have your own life. Allow the new children the opportunity to make their own choices. You made the choice to have children, they may not want them. I would rather have children to want children because they want them, not to please someone else.

The more pressure you give shows that you need to find things to do in your life. Allow your children the opportunity to make their choices.

It’s true that the decision not to have children is a personal one. My older son and his long-time partner have decided not to have children. My younger son’s new girlfriend already has two children and is 40 years old, so there will be no more children for her. I have accepted that I will most likely never be a grandmother … because it isn’t my decision to make or my place to express an opinion … but at the same time it breaks my heart.

The life I thought I would have as I aged has been altered completely. My father has died, one of my sisters has died, my mother is in a nursing home with severe dementia, my frail in-laws are in their 90s. My family is getting smaller. Christmas is particularly hard. My older son and his partner travel to spend Christmas day with her family, because her sisters have children and it’s more fun to be with them on the holiday. We will finally see them after Christmas. My other son lives too far away to come, or for us to go to him.

I try very, very hard (and I hope successfully) to never let on to my children, by a glance, a sigh, a silence, or a choice of words, that I feel this way, because I love them and I don’t want them to feel guilty about their decisions.

But don’t think this isn’t hard for someone who loves children and will never have any grandchildren, watching the family get smaller and smaller instead.

Thanks for this comment, Rhea. It really is a difficult thing to deal with.And it is hard to describe. Even though my parents have grandchildren and even though they don’t really mention the issue of my not having them, and I am secure in my decision, I just know that if I suddenly announced to them that we were having a baby they would be completely overjoyed - in a big way. I refuse to feel guilty, but can only succeed in that by reminding myself that I should not take on this guilt. Aside from the fact I simply don’t want kids, it is a too huge a thing to take on simply to make your parents happy

For years, it was about how I was ‘living in sin’ instead of married. When I had two failed relationships before meeting Hubby and being truly happy, they realised that perhaps I had made the right decision by not jumping into marriage. My attitude to children was also an issue for some time (including when we were sorting out the wording of our wedding ceremony) but it seems to have gone quiet … for now.

I am an only child so there will be no grandchildren for my parents. As secure as I am in my decision, as certain as I am that having children should be the couples decision and no-one else’s … I do feel guilty.