But I do not talk about it (beyond here) and do not bring pressure or judgment to bear.

Just remember that those of us who do love children, thoroughly enjoyed raising children and looked forward to the possibility of grandchildren, have rights to our feelings also.

My own parents were absolutely crazy about their grandchildren and were great role models and teachers to those kids.

Now I understand more than I ever did before, what a gift my husband and I gave them.

At age 20 I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (may be hereditary) have been on and off dialysis have had two kidney transplants, and lost a very successful career due to my health problems. I want no part of bringing a child into this f—ed up world and putting him or her through the pure living hell that I have been through. If I had a child and they turned out to have an illless that I passed on to them that would be heartbreaking.

I am now nearly 40 years old, on disability, and back living in my parent’s house because I have basicly lost everything. I just can’t understand why people who know me and are fully aware that my life is a train wreck still have the audacity to ask me if I am dating anyone or when I am going to settle down and get married and have kids. Nothing hurts more than when people do this! My younger sister even asked me once if I was gay or something because I never date women anymore. Don’t these clueless people realize that no woman is interested in a man who is 40 years old, chronicly ill, has no job, has no money, and lives with his parents?

I know your comment is from a few months ago, and this post is from a few years ago, but I feel like I should share my reaction to your post nonetheless.

My husband and I are thirty, we have been together for 10 years (married for 5) and have recently made the choice to be child-free. While we haven’t formally discussed this decision with our parents, we know that regardless of whether or not they support our decision, they will be as devastated as you are. I want you to know that knowing how much our choice hurts our parents really just kills me, and it’s not just the “guilt-trip” thing. I feel genuinely sad knowing that we are hurting people who we love, even though the decision ultimately rests with us and us alone.

I also want you to know this: In the conversations that my husband and I had leading up to our eventual (inevitable) final decision, I cried. A lot. It freaked my husband out, I think he was afraid that I was saying the words but not feeling them, that I was making the choice, but for him and not for me. The truth was, I am a very emotional person, and I was in part, as you commented, grieving for the baby we would never have and the life path we were choosing not to go down. I was crying in part because I could see that there must be something amazing about having a child, and even though we don’t want that, I was crying because we would never have that.

But the tears were also of relief. We had both come to our decision independently, after years of throwing off the “someday” comment when the discussion of children came up. But the truth was always there – neither of us ever wanted to be parents (and when you’re 25, that magical age of 30 or 35 as “the age to become parents” seems a long ways away). I cried because I was happy that my husband- my best friend, my partner – and I are on the same side.

We are a family of two.

I truly wish you all the best, and please don’t let yourself slip into isolation simply because you feel can’t relate to people in your social circle because you don’t have grandchildren. I maintain friendships with my friends who have children, or who are single, or of a different religion…. My point is that you don’t have to limit your friendships to people who are like you! My mother has worked with the elderly all her life, and the social ones are the ones who are healthy and happy!

Liz

No, I don’t think so. In fact I think that’s an interesting topic… do married men with kids get laid? That would be a good reason not to have kids.

As for your career being disappointing and raising your child being the best thing you did, is it maybe *because* you were raising a child that your career was disappointing and you lacked the opportunity to do things *other* than raise a child?

I say these things not to be antagonistic but to gently suggest that your son might not actually feel the same joy you felt if he had children, in fact it might turn out to be the WORST thing he ever did! Maybe he sees other things in life that he would rather do, and I guarantee those things will be just as fulfilling for him as raising him was for you. He won’t be missing out, he’ll just be walking a different path, with different joys and experiences. Perhaps the “upside potential” just isn’t there for him, and perhaps YOU are underestimating the upside potential of HIS path?

As to the grandchildren thing, well to be honest I seek no immortality. I simply don’t care if I am remembered beyond my death. What does it matter if nobody remembers me, as long as I have done some worthy things in my life? I visit an old man in a nursing home every week (he has no family left as they all died) and every week I have to tell him again who I am – he doesn’t remember me. That doesn’t make my visits any less worthwhile and it doesn’t make his smile any less wide when he says he had a wonderful chat and to please come again soon. We have almost the same conversation every time, but each time I visit his face lights up when he realises somebody has come to see him.

Just a few things that might help alter your perspective.

We all ignore the subject of children. If others talk about their families, I pretend that I am neutral about grandchildren, to avoid putting on “pressure”. I can’t talk about baby showers or friends having grandchildren, because that is “pressure”. I email one sentence about new great nieces/hephews to avoid “pressure.” My husband tells me not to respond to children in their presence, because that is “pressure”.

To the CF – Your parent is no doubt feeling the unspoken “pressure” from you. It was your decision. You made it. If you are so secure in your decision, then stop waiting for your parents to do something that you can interpret as “pressure” so that you can complain to others. What is that about?

As far as CF adult children never coming for Christmas because other families have children, that is so hurtful that words fail. Why not treat both families the same, spending every other Christmas with each Mom?

I admit part of the feeling concerns a hope that your investment will yield a kind of immortality as a “compensation” for life’s rough knocks, but it’s also about hoping to see your child have the same joy remembered from the first time, and a concern that your own child will face older age alone. Of course, intellectually none of us would really want to see our own child unhappy but we wonder if they won’t have regrets and if they aren’t underestimating the upside potential of the other path.

At the moment I have retired from an earlier career and I was fortunate enough to be hired this fall as an adjunct instructor for 2 classes at a junior college. I am trying to tell myself that I have 50 “distant part time” (and already 18-20 year old) substitutes whose lives I can enrich just a little, and maybe that will be enough, but it’s also not quite the same.

To the young and childfree–try a bit of sympathy instead of self-righteousness!

Christmas is very hard for me, but it’s over now and I’m feeling less grieved about grandchildren.

Fostering would not be an option for me, since I’m over 60. Been there, done that, anyway. I adopted my older son when he was an infant, and I was a foster parent for the state for a couple of years when my kids were young.

I have a happy life, great kids, and the world’s best husband. The feeling that there’s something missing is very sad, but as I said it’s generally worst at Christmas. Christmas is over, and the feelings that jump up and bite me have abated.

Thanks, all, for your thoughtful comments. Have a happy new year!

The one thing we can change is our feelings – or rather the beliefs that underlie those feelings. For example, the belief of many women that they can’t be “real women” if they don’t reproduce fuels their feelings that they must have children. It’s a flawed belief, but many hold it and their feelings around having children are based on this fundamental belief, which they then pass on. In the same way, many feel there is something missing if they don’t have grandchildren. You love children – is fostering an option? There must be many children who would benefit from your love of children.

If, however your need is for grand-children that are your own flesh and blood (rather than simply children) to stall a shrinking family, then I can’t see the situation changing in terms of how you feel unless you decide you don’t need to have grandchildren to be fully happy. And on this point, would you not consider your son’s partner’s children as your “adoptive” grandchildren? Just wondering.

It’s completely right that you don’t pressure your children with how you feel, but I would also be unsurprised if they knew how you felt anyway, even if they don’t voice it or show it. I know from experience that children can “pick up” on feelings more easily than people think – I certainly could – and that people underestimate how easily their own feelings show – though they think they have them carefully hidden.

if someone wants kids, fine.. just dont expect me to babysit them, or really be bothered by their first tooth etc.. i dont care if someone is gay, straight or celibate or whatever.. so long as it hurts no one and its done by consenting adults.. i dont care.. and if someone tries to force me to change to be a father when i dont want to be, i will fight.. for ME.. not anyone else i have my own life and my own decisions. its my choice..

(this is once again generalities)