Cristina - I read this and I shake my head. We can’t win can we? Don’t want children around? Then you hate them, But if you have one, you’ll see the error of your ways. Play with children? Then you secretly really want one because playing with a child means you feel incomplete… and if you accidentally have one, well it means you’ve come to your senses of course. Nuts. Somehow I feel that the battle to prove that our lives as childfree women are equally meaningful as those who have children hasn’t even begun. Thanks for this comment.

One of the most infuriating things happened at work recently. A CF friend of mine who recently got pregnant accidently and decided to keep the baby was described by her boss as follows “I knew she had always felt incomplete without a child. She was always holding children and playing with them. I am so happy for her.”

When I responded that she had never paid any particular attention to my kids when I brought them to work, and asked when he had ever seen her holding a baby, he just shrugged.

It bothers me as someone who has had a few too many children that everyone always has to act like every child is something we were desperate for and that our lives seperate from our children is somehow meaningless. While I love my kids very much, I could easily be a fulfilled and happy CF person.

i had a friend who worked in hope hospital in the UK dealing with IVF, we sort of never discussed it not really.

but it seems that there has beena massive increase of infertility since ivf was invented.. maybe its just press, but there is something wrong there..

In fact, it’s similar to the way childfree people are branded as freaky for deciding not to have kids…. Hope you’ll contribute more of your opinions to the childfree discussion here… I like your blog by the way.

If a couple is having trouble conceiving then nature or god ( if you beleive ) doesnt want you to have a child.. if you have a kid after the treatments, what would the chances be of that child having the same kind of infertility, so in essence, I feel that the ivf only contributes to the infertility rates..

(I am a brit boy still in britain and I have a few ideas that people have called me a female hater, a lonely freak etc.. when i am actually engaged to a wonderful cf woman).

Having never wanted kids, I simply cannot comprehend how strong the drive to have a child must be to go through the cost, emotional and physical turmoil.

With all the children in need of adopting, it beggars belief that anyone can even contemplate spending sometimes in excess of $50,000 on the off-chance of having a child. Even worse, with the expectation that everyone should be supportive and in awe of these people, who are, as has been mentioned, more selfish than any childfree person I’ve met. Having fertility treatment isn’t really about giving a child a chance at life. It’s about their wanting their own child - and needing a child to make them complete or real, or whatever it is they need to feel. It’s about people feeling that only a child they conceive matters. This is sad.

And, as Carisa mentioned, it seems to be o.k. for these couples to take the chance of multiple births… even though they know that most of the babies will either not survive, or have difficulties surviving. The only thing that counts is having a baby. And they call us selfish!
@TT - Thank YOU - for bringing this issue to my attention

Applause also to:

“Fertility treatments, besides being expensive, seem to be a crap shoot method.”

“…quintuplets being born to IVF parents, and the children are always underweight, and often have serious medical issues, with some even dying in the first few months.”

and Lisa’s comments - yep, I agree, adopt all the existing kids first.

I know another couple that after failed IVF, the mother’s sister donated the egg, and the embryo was subsequently implanted in the mother. The mother had a horrible difficult pregnancy, at the age of 41. Had they considered adoption? Yes, but it wouldn’t be the same if she didn’t carry the child.

My own (adoptive) mother, who desperately wanted children, always said she had kids the easy way: somebody handed her a complete baby. As a result, she had a lovely figure until the day she died. People said the worst things to her about having adopted — cruel things, like “you’re not a complete woman if you haven’t carried a child” or “you can’t possibly love your children as much because they’re not really yours.” And these are exactly the thoughts that the infertility industry relies upon.

My mother loved us just as much. The fact that there was no biological relationship was immaterial.

Carisa hit the nail on the head: “What that answer tells me is that said person/couple only want their own flesh and blood, which, when all is said and done, is the ultimate expression of narcissim.”

And they call us selfish.

Perhaps what should also be addressed are the multiple births that usually arise from these treatments. We’ve all seen the news reports of quintuplets being born to IVF parents, and the children are always underweight, and often have serious medical issues, with some even dying in the first few months.

And the childfree are selfish?