Men – Think You’re Not Having A Baby? Think Again

by Britgirl on December 2, 2006

Don’t want a baby? No matter. You may soon be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet anyway. By that time you’ll know – too late – you’ve been duped into fatherhood.

I had heard of incidences of women trapping men into having a baby, but somehow I thought it was the exception rather than the rule. I need to revisit my thinking. Judging by this article entitled “That was no “Accident” and brought to my attention by Kath not only is it not uncommon, it isn’t even particularly condemned. Why not? Well, because the woman wants a baby. And it appears not only does the end justify the means, but it doesn’t seem to matter that their partner doesn’t want or is not prepared for fatherhood.

As I read the article I had several thoughts. Each one worthy of an article itself. I found the hairs on my neck standing on end. I felt disgusted at the depths that some women would sink to have a baby.

From the article, which I hope you will read, here’s a real life scenario:

“… Jody (not her real name), a 32-year-old account manager for a major New York ad firm, decided to speed things along with her boyfriend two years ago by getting pregnant without telling him. “It’s not about trapping the guy,” Jody says. “That’s kind of old-fashioned. Yeah, you want him to be into it, but there are other ways to get a guy to commit. If you’re smart and in a good relationship, it’s just about the fact that you want a kid.”

Really? How fuckwitted is that? I always thought that lying and deceiving another person was wrong. Period. Lying to, tricking and deceiving the person you are supposedly in a (long term/committed) relationship with is, to me, a contradiction in terms. If you are deceiving the person, you neither love nor respect them, even though you (and he, poor guy) are under the sad delusion that you do. Women who trick a man into having a baby, thinking that once the baby is there the man will “come around” or “change their mind” are, among other things, simply the lowest species of low-life.

For the guys, the line between dead-beat dad and victim of deceit seems to be so thin as to be non-existent. According to the article, the unfortunate men don’t even have the law on their side and are going to end up being fathers (whether or not they see the child at all, and whether they want to be or not) with full parental obligations. Here’s an excerpt from the same article:

“….The NCM actually offers the “Reproductive Rights Affidavit” (think of it as the sexual equivalent of a living will), which challenges “any court order that seeks to impose a parental obligation upon me against my will.” Unfortunately for Jeremy, a 35-year-old technical consultant and musician in New York, the affidavit doesn’t provide a legal cover for now. He thought he’d found himself a nice girl. He had just split with his longtime fiancée but explains that this new woman was saying all the right things—even when it came to practical matters. She was on the Pill. She was pro-choice. So she and Jeremy (who’s using a fake name) enjoyed a couple of months of unprotected intimacy.

Then things got weird. She mysteriously quit drinking. She disappeared for days at a time. She told him she was considering going off birth control, though she assured him she hadn’t yet. By July, Jeremy had had enough and broke things off. Then in August, he says, she told him she was pregnant and was keeping it. “She was pregnant all of May, all of June, and all of July,” Jeremy says. “I said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?’ She’s like, ‘I didn’t want you to influence my decision.’ Something that has potential impact on me for the rest of my life, she doesn’t want me influencing her decision!?

More than a year and $6,500 in legal fees later, Jeremy has a 7-month-old boy he’s never met, a child-support case pending, and a judge who’s less than sympathetic toward his allegations of contraceptive deceit. Even his own attorney told him he’d better ditch that dream of becoming a full-time musician and focus on the computer gig that he’d hoped would only supplement his income: “She was like, ‘You know what? You gotta be a man. You’re gonna have to have a job 40 hours a week, and you need to support this child—this is your responsibility and your obligation.’ And I’m thinking to myself, like, ‘How is all of this my responsibility and my obligation when none of this was my choice?’”

Men. You may think you aren’t ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. You’re probably right. The scary thing is, even though you should have the right to have a say in how your life is about to change, don’t bet that you will. It may not matter one jot to your partner – if she decides she wants a baby. Best look out. And unprotected sex? Definitely not worth it.

Thanks to fellow blogger A Likely Story for sending me this link, and highlighting this very despicable practice. I think it’s well worth writing about.

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{ 16 comments }

Debi December 2, 2006 at 12:56 pm

This is just too incredibly horrible! Humanity has stooped to a new low. This type of thing makes me very angry.

Chris W. December 2, 2006 at 5:45 pm

Really, how fuckwitted (LOL) indeed!! It makes me think, though, of how history has been for women in general. Most societies have, in the past, given women the short end of the stick. In fact, our society in America still does just that. Some women may feel that it’s poetic justice that men, their counterparts, should get shafted in other matters like this one. Really, I think that neither men nor women should be treated differently in principles and ethics. If you were duped into a situation that clearly wasn’t your choice, you shouldn’t be held responsible. The flip side of the argument could say that the guy was still acting too stupid to take the necessary precautions, but what would that say about the level of trust he has for his partner? Even so, you could take all the precautions you want, and the determined individual is somehow going to find a way to get what they want.

The American legal system is screwed up in this regard. In some issues like this, they seem to side with the wrong individual. “Oh so you’re a guy that got tricked into getting her pregnant? Well, too bad dude, she’s the woman and she needs you and your child support money. It’s not her fault that she couldn’t ignore her maternal and ovarian wishes!” Fuck that!

–Chris

carol December 3, 2006 at 5:11 am

And if they end-up pregnant and the guy has nothing to do with it,they’ll spend the rest of their lives hating that guy when actually is not the guy’s fault.

The guy should have made her sign a contract that she’ll never trick him into that.
You can’t just do things against someone’s will and then ask money and hold them responsible.

That’s wrong!Very wrong.

Some women are way too desperate and abusive to others.

MikeeUSA December 3, 2006 at 10:03 pm

Women’s Right’s is bad for men.

What have us men gotten from women’s rights? Marital rape laws (an Irish man was just jailed for 6 years for raping his wife), domestic violence laws, easy divorce laws, child support laws, etc etc etc.

Death To women’s Rights.

RMS December 4, 2006 at 12:09 pm

Boy, they call the childfree ‘selfish’! This is so disrespectful and nasty. I disagree with MikeeUSA; this has nothing to do with women’s rights and everything to do with a society of entitlement and selfishness. People think they are entitled to whatever they want, no matter who it impacts. It’s selfish because these women think only of their desire to have children and not how these children will feel as they grow up to discover they were completely unwanted by their father.

I say to these women if you really want a baby, go to a sperm donor clinic and take complete and full responsibility for your child, both emotionally and financially. Or gee, here’s a novel thought: how about discussing it with your partner first? He may be actually willing to have a child or if he doesn’t, then why not find a partner who wants a baby?

But hey, why do that when you can be a selfish, irresponsible twit and then whine about the father not supporting you?

I guess it’s just too difficult to be a real adult.

Hillari December 5, 2006 at 9:58 am

It’s simple. . .if some women are so hell-bent on having a child, then they need to find a man willing not only to impregnant them but to play daddy and all that comes with it. It is heinous to trick or “oops” a man into fatherhood, and equally so to bring a child here that was not wanted by both parents. Having a child in some attempt to keep the father around is one of the oldest tricks in the book, and guess what? It seldom works! And this business of attempting to force a man into responsibility, but not wanting him to be a full-time dad is, after the woman has tricked him into knocking her up, is unacceptable!

timethief December 5, 2006 at 4:36 pm

Here in Canada if your a “daddy” then like it or not, following a marriage break-up over the surprise production of an unwanted child, you may indeed be expected to pay for the education of the unwanted child your spouse tricked you into producing until that “child” is 25 years of age.

The reason I know this is because it happened to a friend of mine. He and his wife agreed to remain child-free. He volunteered to have a vasectomy but she claimed this wouldn’t be necessary until she went off the pill. In fact she never went on the pill.

She became pregnant but he didn’t know it. They separated because he “couldn’t live with a domineering bitch who was just like her mother”. I knew the wife and mother well and he sized up the situation very accurately but unfortunately he was slightly late when it came to acting. Surprise! When he filed for divorce just 3 months after marriage her lawyer responded he discovered he was about to become a “daddy” in 6 months time.

Well while her mother worked as an architect, his daughter was raised by a grandmother, who had survived 5 divorces moving up the social ladder with each new marriage and never working a day in her life. His daughter grew up in a beautiful riverside home appraised at $899,000. with her head full of “he abandoned us and he didn’t want you”. She got her own brand new car as a graduation gift and became a class valedictorian in Grade XII when she delivered a speech full of dead beat dad comments and remonstrated about how terrible it was to be raised without a dad. Today she’s in Toronto getting her Master in Economics and yup, he’s still footing the bill for her education for one more year.

My friend’s life did not of course end with the divorce from his wife. He went on to marry another woman and to remain happily married to her. She had two children who were not well provided for by their own father so he accepted that and provided for them too.

The saddest thing of all for these two step kids was that they had to witness all the public speaking school performances year after year where the “darling” rich bitch daughter called down her father, their step-dad, for being a “dead beat” dad.

Oh right I almost forgot to tell you that the “surprise” queen did it twice more. Yup, she has three kids all by different dads who are all paying through the nose for their unwanted kid’s education while she’s out cougar hunting at classy bars.

Men – protect yourselves from these female baby seeking predators.

Britgirl December 5, 2006 at 9:55 pm

@All – thank you for these very insightful comments!

That a woman can think deceiving someone into fatherhood somehow justifies the need for a baby (or babies) shows them to be selfish, self-seeking, deceitful, lying, conniving, desperate and yes – abusive – bitches, who have no thought for anything other than what THEY want. Certainly no thought for the child, who they will probably lie to, to cover the deceit.

It makes me so angry to think of women encouraging each other, advising their girlfriends they “should just get pregnant, once the baby’s arrived he’ll come around… because he has to, the baby will be there, he has to deal with it..” It’s disgusting, and it should be condemned. Particularly, as has been pointed, out all these desperate women have to do if their partner doesn’t want a child is to find a guy who does want to have babies with them! Meanwhile, children are born when they are not fully wanted and many more bitter men are added to the roll. Shame!

J. Estoril December 16, 2006 at 6:21 pm

A girl I met in a bar and then spent a night with in a hotel told me that she couldn’t have children. There was something wrong with her womb she said so we had sex without a condom because she told me that it was safe,
We kept dating after that first night and continued to have sex without protection, because she kept telling me it was safet. Two months later she told me she was pregnant. It took me a lot of persuasion and a very clear message that I was not going to marry her because she had tricked me but finally she agreed to have an abortion. A narrow excape.

Billy December 16, 2006 at 7:33 pm

I have 2 kids by different Mothers. Never wanted any kids but fell for the old line that the V cut increased odds of cancer.
Mom #1 said she completed her period that morning….ok dumb enough to use rhythm method but still, a lie and she even wrote in her journal, that she knew she could get pregnant but wanted to show her parents she wasn’t the goody 2 shoes they thought she was…talk about “fuckwitted”. I raised this daughter after her mom left for a musician/body builder. Actually became the best thing that ever happened to me….changed my life for the good I think.
Mom #2 said as a previous poster she could not get pregnant and we were safe. She was the aggressor as we decided to play abstinence for awhile to insure we were compatible w/o the sex. She mounted and re-assured we were safe…well fool me once shame on you…fool me twice shame on me.
Still feel like I was duped…twice…maybe it is more common than one would think.

Jon December 16, 2006 at 8:57 pm

We can put the power back in our hands!

The pill is currently on the market, ask your doctor!
http://www.askmen.com/love/dzimmer_60/72_love_answers.html

flipside December 17, 2006 at 9:02 am

I was 17. He was in his late 20′s. I didn’t want kids, he told me he had had a Vasectomy. Well guess what he hadn’t. I end up pregnant and the only thing I wanted from him was to get the hell out of my life. Didn’t want child support because with child support comes visitation. Fuck that. Use a damn condom guys. I dont know how they manage to sell so many because most of the guys I see don’t want to use one then bitch about the consequences.

A December 17, 2006 at 11:46 am

If you want to make sure you don’t have a baby, use a condom, provide your own birth control. Just like women are told to have their own birth control and not rely on the man.

Why the hell would you trust someone you met in a bar an hour ago that her “womb doesn’t work”?

Of course it’s wrong for the women to be doing this, but when you decide to have sex with someone you take on the possibility that a pregnancy might occur. No birth control is 100%, so the risk is always there. Use a condom, if she’s on the pill, then good double the protection and if she’s not then at least you have some protection.

I dunno if MikeeUSA is being satirical or really means it, but just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean you can’t force them to have sex. It’s disgusting how many generations of women had to live with sex being forced on them by their husbands and they had no recourse.

Britgirl December 17, 2006 at 1:35 pm

@ All – thanks for sharing these experiences and comments.

@ Billy – unfortunately it does seem to be more common than one would think.

As A says, the risk of pregnancy is always there when you have sex with someone. So some birth control has to be better than none at all, if it helps reduce this risk.
If a woman says to a man (especially one she’s just met) that there is no need for a condom, I would be running. Fast. If a guy said there was no need for a condom, I’d be running just as fast. If someone in a committed relationship can trick you into having a baby when you don’t want one, the odds go up dramatically that someone you don’t really know is probably doing just that.

I don’t see any other way of protecting yourself from being duped in this way other than using a condom.

As for MikeeUSA – he is showing himself to be foolish if he thinks that these laws aren’t a good thing. It’s sad that we have to have them, but  we do.   It is indeed disgusting how many women have to put up with being forced to have sex by their husbands, and it’s good that they will now have some recourse.His aim in posting appeared to be to vent his particular frustrations,  however, so I think he can be safely ignored on this one.

Kath December 24, 2006 at 4:23 am

The sad fact is that condoms have a 14% failure rate.

I got pg while on the Pill and my partner was using a condom. I was devastated since we both took proper precautions.

Luckily I had a miscarriage the week before I was scheduled to have an abortion.

mercurior December 24, 2006 at 3:45 pm

and you dont even have to have slept with the woman either.. this is really scary

http://www.reason.com/news/show/29035.html

Tony Pierce remembers vividly the exact moment in November 2000 when the state of California began trampling on his life. “There was a loud angry pounding at my door at five o’clock in the morning,” he recalls. “Very scary.”

It was a female police officer with a complaint accusing him of being the father of an 8-year-old girl in Contra Costa County, east of San Francisco. “I’m like, ‘Great! I’m definitely not the father of anybody,’” he says.

There were excellent reasons to think so. He had never met or heard of the mother of the child. He had never lived in Northern California, and at the time of conception (spring 1991) he was attending the University of California at Santa Barbara, beginning a monogamous relationship that would last for two years. What’s more, he’s a condom fanatic — only once in his life, Pierce swears, has he failed to use a rubber during intercourse, and that was “many years after.” (He’s been a friend of mine for 15 years, and I believe him.) And if the summons had included the mother’s testimony (it was supposed to, but did not), he would have seen himself described as a “tall” and “dark” black man named “Anthony Pierce.” Pierce is a hair over five feet, nine inches; he is so light-skinned that even people who know him sometimes don’t realize he’s black; and no one calls him Anthony except his mom

Two months later, after the phone conversations had ended and he assumed he was off the hook, Pierce received notice that a “default judgment” had been entered against him, and that he owed $9,000 in child support. He was between dot-com jobs, and his next unemployment check was 25 percent smaller; the state of California had seized and diverted $100 toward his first payment. Suddenly, he was facing several years of automatic wage garnishment, and the shame of being forced to explain to prospective employers why the government considered him a deadbeat dad. “That’s when it hit me,” he says. “I mean, it’s mostly my fault — ‘Fill out the form, dumb-ass!’…But it’s so rigged against you, it’s ridiculous.”

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