Childfree…Regrets And Second Guessing?
2 01 2007Deciding to live childfree includes putting to rest the potentially active ghost of second-guessing. For good. Being childfree is a choice, which means more than likely there were other choices we could have made. Continually saying or thinking thoughts like: “Should we have?”, “Could I have?” “Will I regret it later?” “What if we made a mistake?” is second-guessing.
Why waste hours, day, years - even a minute – berating yourself for supposedly missing the boat, not having the family people are telling you you ought to have, or that you think everyone else has? Why waste time comparing your life to the fantasy filled life filled with perfect children? Never mind that the fantasy is continually shouted at us from every societal corner.
Often, childfree adults and childfree women in particular, are either told by parents and other “well-meaning” people that if they don’t have children “they’ll regret it and find out too late what they’ve missed out on…” or, if they are contemplating a childfree life, asked: “But don’t you think you will regret this decision later on in life?” When they ask this question, they already pre-suppose that you will.
Childfree adults may ask this question of themselves too. The fact is, no-one can know the answer to that question. This is part of what makes it so difficult. The fact is that any choice can carry regrets, but you decide what you will focus on – regrets or the benefits of that choice. The expectation that one should have a child simply to guard against future “regrets” is just another example of the many inherently selfish reasons people have children. If it isn’t about the child, it is all about you. I think the question – “But don’t you think you will regret this decision later on in life?” should more often be asked of those who blithely assume having children is the norm or “just what you do”. Even though, if parents are being completely honest about it, many will admit they do regret having children and parenting. But they only know this after the fact, which to me is too late and rather sad.
It is of course very human to second-guess ourselves. Is there anything you can do about it?
If you do start second-guessing your decision, here are some tips. First, compare your fantasy child/ren or fantasy family with families you know, and have known, and allow yourself to be reminded of the reality. Ask yourself what is the reality of what you have missed? and not what is the reality of the fantasy? Two completely different things. Easily confused so here’s a clue: The reality includes the real deal of parenting – not to be mistaken for the rose-coloured version of parenthood we are often presented with.
And then you can:
1) Remind yourself of all you have achieved and accomplished and the positives of being childfree.
2) Remember that there are probably more parents who have regrets about what kind of parents they were, or about their decision to become parents in the first place than there are people who have chosen to be childfree
3) Ask yourself: “Which would I rather have regrets about… not having children, or having them?
At the end of the day since we lack crystal balls, we can’t know what we we’ll feel in five, ten or fifteen years. I’m not sure I would even want to. So it’s rather a waste of time berating ourselves or worse, let ourselves be pressured into reproducing because other people think they know what we’ll be feeling. If we don’t know, how the heck can they?
As far as our own decision to remain childfree – I’ve had no regrets, if anything I’m more certain it was the right one for us and we love the many good things it has allowed us to do and be. I know many other childfree people who feel the same - however they arrived at their decision.
And whenever parents lament to me about the trials of bringing up their kids (sometimes closely followed by the stock “ but it’s all worth it” line), I say to them “That’s why I don’t have them.”
the only regret i have, and this is a minor one, is who will we leave our stuff too, hopefully we will find a young cf couple, and leave it to them..
my brother is cf, he is long term ill, and he hasnt got many people but me and my love. he is 13 years older than me, then theres mum..
my love has no other family or they are older. thats the only thing, but its not going to make me want kids, i am too lazy, i like my down times, i like my freedom to come in after a night drinking, to not have screaming brats over and over..
mine is tiny, and there is no way i want to inflict another me on this world, its got enough trouble with one of me.. :-).. but i am happy with my choice, and eventually i will get the snip, after my love has had hers(her decision, her choice, she wants it first and has told me repeatedly she wants to be “fixed” first. she wants control over her reproduction, and has said what i want to do with my body is my decision, and no one elses.. and i agree with her 100%)
The people who are constantly encouraging CF’ers seem to live in a dream world. What child is trouble-free? Parents aren’t guaranteed that they always receive unconditional love from their kids. They can’t assume the kids will look after them when they are old. Nor can they assume the kids will outlive them. My parents buried three of theirs.
shouldnt we be accepting of their choices, the childfree, i havent lived your life and you havent lived mine, my choices are just that my choices.
to deny someone the idea that childfreedom is a choice they can make, should be against the rights and responsibilities of the individual.
there are many reasons to be cf, a lot of them are personal choices, does that mean we should all have kids even though those kids would be in danger, medically from our being “forced” to have unwanted kids.
and why does it scare you that people are choosing not to have kids, are you jealous of them, they have the freedoms you lack, give everyone a choice of the life that suits them, or deny everyone the choice to choose.
which do you want.
i dont want kids, if someone doesnt want kids then thats fine for them.. i have no reason to change what they want to do, i am not one to deny them their life. it has no connection to how “I” live my life. why should it be different for parents.. do they have greater intelligence because they have had a kid, or are they morally superior. no.. they are just like us and those chose their life, and they should by their decision.
I’m glad my parents had me, but I see a lot of my friends suffering from treatment from their own parents… I’m glad they’re alive, too, because I care about them, but sometimes I wonder why some people have children…
whether to have kids is a very personal choice, i have my reasons, which arent even the same as my fiancee, my life happened and it led me to this decision, if i had known i wasnt alone i would have become officially childfree, i thought i was a freak, but my fiancee told me she didnt want kids, i read and i saw and i realised i was one of them.. if i hadnt of realised, then chances would be i would have a kid, and that kid would be resented by me and it wouldnt have a nice life at all. until someone lives your life 100%, they cant make you change your mind or decision. and they shouldnt.
i know more about me, than anyone else, to say i will change my mind, its saying you are better at knowing me than me.. but its all a choice we have to make, and we have to have the information to choose, i know people who hate their kids and have abused them, they were pressured into having kids.. should these people have been told it was ok to not have kids it would have saved so much pain and problems..
@mercurior - well, at least you are thinking of who you might give your stuff to
@Hillari - exactly right, which is why it is so strange that those trying to convince childfree people to have babies conveniently forget this important truth.
@Joy - there are some people who really should never have had kids at all. If only they had given even a little more thought to it, perhaps we’d have less children who are badly treated by their parents. Sadly, you will often find that these same bad parents are some of the fiercest critics of childfree people.
Fortunately I’ve never regretted my decision to be childfree, although I’ve definitely heard the line about “you’ll be sorry.” Now I make the joke to childed people about them being sorry! Ha! As someone else pointed out, our choices are all ours and no one else’s to worry about.
Another antidote for potential wondering: watch Nanny 911! I feel real gratitude for my peace every time!
A very insightful and well written post.
I have to agree with RMS. I stumbled upon a Super Nanny programme and I watched with a mixture of shock over the behaviour of the kids and the actions of the parents; admiration for the incredible patience of the nanny (who was screamed at, bitten and hit) and relief that I will never be in that situation