Being single and surrounded by couples can make shaping a successful social life very difficult. It’s even harder if you are childfree and surrounded by couples and children, or even singles and children. Friendships with with those who have children can become strained or broken as it becomes increasingly apparent you have less and less in common.
I find this is particularly the case with new parents. New parents want to talk about their new children and everything to do with their experience of becoming a parent and that’s to be expected. If you’re not a parent yourself however, there is little you can contribute. Given that most friendships are based on common interests, if you’re not bored from the get-go, and feel that your friendship is worth the changes in many cases as friends the chances of drifting apart are high.
This isn’t helped by the new parent’s subtle tendency to condescend, by telling you that “you couldn’t possibly understand, how busy they are since you haven’t had children of your own…” and similar phrases. For that and several other reasons, it’s probably time to consider forging new friendships.
Childfree people are no different in needing strong supportive and loving friendships. The difference is, if you are a childfree person whose friendship has been strained, weakened or even destroyed by the fact that your friends have children and you are childfree, you need to pursue friends who are also childfree. If you’re still close to your friends who have children, you have the option to work at becoming an integral part of their children’s lives, without which your friendship is unlikely to survive. That is, if you want to. If you don’t you’ll need to consider other options.
But you can also seek out childfree people who are leading happy positive lives and get to know them. That’s being pro-active.
There several childfree social networks that make it easier for both childfree men and women to meet others of like mind. Two of the best known are No Kidding, based in Canada which I myself joined about three years ago, and The Childfree Network which is based in the US and at the last count has many chapters throughout the US. (Have to say here that when I Googled The Childfree Network, although I found many references to it I couldn’t find a link to a website. However, information on how you can form your own childfree chapter of the network can be found in Leslie LaFayette’s book – Why Don’t You Have Kids?).
While I have friends who are parents, and they are great, those friends that I meet with and interact with the most are also childfree. Shortly after coming to Toronto from England I joined No Kidding, and every month a group of us girls meet up for a “Girls Night Out.” What makes this fun isn’t just the getting together for a drink, a bite to eat and a chat, but the fact that, as a group, we can talk the entire evening and not once talk about kids and kid-related things unless we want to. If on occasion kids do come up, they are incidental rather than the central theme. I don’t feel compelled to ask after kids or give provide a opening for parents to talk about them. And our conversations are as varied and as lively as the people there. We always have a laugh – and I always come away quite exhilarated.
We also get together for other activities, such as watching movies, Poker and ice-skating, and there’s also a monthly dinner at different restaurants for more get togethers with other childfree men and women. The dynamic is completely different, but most importantly it brings you into contact with other childfree people with whom you can make friends with and share and helps confirm, validate and support your childfree choice.
In a society which is overwhelmingly pro-natalist, even if you are in a happily childfree relationship, finding and having like-minded childfree friends is key, even crucial to supporting a positive childfree life. I suspect they will become even more important, as the number of people choosing to be childfree rises. And in my opinion, it’s a healthy option.
But, you may be thinking, there isn’t a Childfree social chapter near me. Maybe not.
Time to start your own chapter?
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