Like It Is

“Emma Burnstall had her first baby in her 20’s, her second in her 30’s and her third in her 40’s”. The question the Guardian article asked is “What are the pros and cons of having three children over three decades?” Good question, although nowadays when I hear of people having more than a couple of children I sincerely hope they don’t in the next breath start blathering on about the environment, how it’s in danger and all they are doing to “save” it.

Burnstall does talk about several pros and cons, but I changed the question around and instead asked “how many fuckwitted, selfish reasons for having kids can you identify in this article?” But I offer you some assistance dear reader, (although you probably won’t need it) in identifying above mentioned fuckwittery and selfcentredness of Ms Burnstall.

I have selected excerpts that leapt out at me and really had me going as I read them. I’ve also added some thoughts responses of my own. The next time anyone calls a childfree person selfish, they should really be told exactly where to go.

You can read the original article in its entirety here courtesy The Guardian Online.

Here’s the quick and dirty summary:

She had one baby. Husband didn’t want another, but she talked him into it. Then she badly wanted a third baby so she “talked him into that one” too. And readers can now admire her or pity her (depending on your viewpoint) for having three kids in three decades even though she feels overall the kids have been the losers.

Following are the excerpts that I chose from Emma’s story. My responses are in bold and I’m sure you’ll have your own, feel free to add them in the usual way.

“My husband and I chose to have big gaps between our babies. It’s not that we sat down in our early 20s and planned out three children. Rather, our firstborn was a surprise, arriving when we were just starting out in our careers. We fell in love with her instantly, but coping with sleepless nights and childcare was hard when we were barely out of university and none of our friends had been there before us”.

So, no family planning or anything, just whoops, here’s a baby. Very responsible. Yet she says she chose to have big gaps. Great example.

“My husband was adamant that he didn’t want any more children, but I did. We went through some soul-searching, but eventually he relented, and number two came along”.

So… what you’re saying is you forced him to have another child when he really didn’t want to. …. right? In fact, one might not be wrong in thinking that he didn’t really have any choice in the matter.

“Four or five years later, I badly wanted a third. Perhaps it was being one of three myself. However, a health scare put paid to the idea until my late 30s when, happily, I was able to talk my husband into a final addition”.

Well they do say, if at first you don’t succeed, try with more determination. Fuck the obstacles. Literally. Is it me or was this woman a talking uterus, with no thought other than “I want another baby and I don’t care, I want yet another baby”….? Seems that husband would have been content with one child.

“Georgia was born in 1986, when I was 25, Harry in 1992, when I was 30, and Freddie in 2002, when I was 40”.

So… one of those women who might encourage broody mothers to have babies in their 40’s with all the inherent risks to the mother and the child… For I fear that many might take this as a “if she can do it, I can too, after all lots of women are having babies in their 40’s and they’re managing o.k.…”

“It baffles me how they (mothers with several children under 3) cope, or can get much enjoyment from their brood. Each day must feel like a battle against unequal odds. They forget they once wore smart clothes and spent three hours in the hairdresser”.

Errrm, yes, I suppose they do, since they obviously didn’t think to have children far apart enough as you did. Even though you say you didn’t plan them out. But, unless you have nannies and live in help, (which I recall reading that you appear to have had) spending three hours in the hairdresser isn’t a very common option even if you have two kids. Or one for that matter.

“I suspect, though, that while my husband and I have benefited in certain respects from spinning our children out, they are the losers overall. Georgia, for instance, says she bitterly regrets not having a sister close in age whom she can share things with. She and Harry love each other, but have never really got on. They played together for a few short years, when Georgia would be the bossy school teacher and Harry the pupil. But soon their interests became too diverse and now they have little contact. I suspect if they were just two or three years apart, there would be more common ground”.

No kidding. Pun intended. But not surprising, since all you were thinking about was “I want a baby” “I want another baby” and “I want another addition” I want, I want. I want. You weren’t thinking about the children’s needs then were you? If that ain’t selfish, I don’t know what it is. Perhaps those who have their children closer together have a point after all, one more geared to the children than themselves. But you were so smug about spinning yours out so this has probably not registered with you.

“But I can’t erase the fact that Freddie will never have a brother or sister close in age to play with. And it can be wearing when I’m the one obliged to dig sandcastles with him on the beach or play sword fights”.

Life’s tough sometimes isn’t it?

“People say having small children keeps you young, and there’s some truth in it. A new baby can also inject fresh life into a relationship. Nearly five years on, however, I fear that through no fault of his own, Freddie tends to come between my husband and I as a couple.

No, it’s not his fault. It’s yours. And it really comes across as whingeing on your part.

“I’ll be 58 by the time Freddie leaves home, and over 60 when we finish paying college fees. I prefer not to think about it. In four years, if Harry goes to university, Freddie will be home alone during term-time. He’ll miss his big brother and may, at that point, berate us for our choices. I refuse to be crippled with guilt, however. There are, after all, lots of different types of family around, and my kids have pretty amazing lives despite being so far apart in age. In years to come, when my husband and I are old or no longer here, I trust my trio will appreciate one another more than they do now”.

You at least acknowledge some guilt. But just feeling guilty is a waste of time. Understandably, you don’t want to think about it, but it would have been nice to know how you’re planning for your children since when you are old and no longer there, at least two of your children will still be pretty young, particularly the four year old.

To me, this is something that would be enough to make many potential parents re-consider the wisdom of having another child in their 40’s, knowing they may not be around for a big chunk of their kid’s lives or lack the energy of resources to meet their needs. Or you may be sick, or infirm. That puts the children in an impossible situation of carer, whether parents intend it to or not. When they most need you, you may not be there. Guess they will just have to depend on each other.

I hope they will be prepared.