It’s always worth remembering many of the good things I have in my life or the things I aspire to do, or that my husband and I as a couple can aspire to do are because we are childfree. It’s easy to take things for granted, but here’s a suggestion for those who suddenly find themselves confronted by the ghost of second-guessing:
1. Make a list of all the positive things you have going for you in your life right now.
2. Look long and hard at your list and think about which of the items you’ve listed would not be possible if you had a child.
Here are a few of mine…what are yours?
- Personal freedom to come and go as I wish
- More energy to devote to my husband and a closer and more intimate relationship
- More time and energy for my career
- Spontaneity
- More time and energy to devote to any other endeavour I choose to (the potential is amazing)
- More money with which to live more comfortably
- Greater choice as to where we live and work
- More money and time to spend on travelling
- More time and energy to devote to self-improvement or education
- More money to plan for the future
- More time and energy to volunteer
Remembering these and more are great ammunition for when people attempt to imply that it’s impossible to lead a meaningful and successful life unless you become a parent.
And while we’re at it, that particular myth really needs to be consigned to the rubbish tip.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
My positives are:
1) Not having to deal with kid and teen drama — crying, whining, arguements about wanting to be treated as an adult, disrespecting my authority as an adult and a parent, etc.
2) Not having to fret over junior high, high school and college graduation preparations
3) Never having to fill the refrigerator and cupboards with sugary snacks and other junk food that I shouldn’t be eating just because the kids want it
4) Never having to monitor what’s on TV, on the radio, on the CD player because of kids
5) Knowing that I can buy nice things and keep them without fear of Junior and Sally breaking them
6) Not ever having to be the neighborhood mom
7) Never having to sit through something the kid is in (recitals, fashion shows, school plays, etc.) and having to pretend I really like it when in fact, I’m bored to tears
Here’s more!
1- No pregnancy and all the medical and physical changes that come with it.
2-Sleeping in late on the weekends…actually, sleeping in late whenever you feel like it.
3-No late night feedings interrupting your sleep
4-No ruined clothes from baby puke
5-No educational expenses from kindergarten to college
6-No worries about teenaged pregnancies
7-Minivan? What for?
8-Unlimited peace and quiet
9-Peace and contentment knowing you made the right decision not to procreate.
i have to say the positives for me are, i dont have to watch myself every second, i am clumsy, bull in a china shop.. if there was a brat i would have to be on constant guard against breaking the little things head..
i suffer from insomnia, and when i dont have enough sleep i get rather annoyed at the slightest thing.. not a good thing around kids.. so i can get my 3 hours a night.
not putting someone through the pain of childbirth.
I’d like to add:
Never, ever, having to make “playdates” and being forced to socialize with mothers/fathers you have nothing in common with only because of your child is friends with theirs. Ugh.
Oh, and not having to deal with annoying soccer/baseball/ballet moms & dads who live out their own childhood dreams vicariously through their children.
Ah, yes, my future is bright.
And here are some more benefits:
Being able to avoid the never ending stress of worrying about the kids – where they are, what they want, what they’re doing, what they are not doing, who they’re with, where they’re going, etc, etc. I don’t know how people live with all that.
Freedom from guilt about how much time I’m spending – or not spending – with them, or how good or bad a mother I am/might be.
Not having to associate with the “Muffia” (the mummy mafia) at all. in fact being able to live far away from them.
Sometimes I wanna drive away and never come back. I can only tell this to random people on the internet because I feel like such a failure. I am depressed and have no one to talk to about it. No one that wouldnt judge me at least or run off and tell other family members. My husband shows no emotion about anything and doesnt care to talk about feelings unless there is screaming and yelling involved.Sometimes I think what was I thinking? My husband isn’t even a kid person. He wasn’t interested in having kids. It was all me and therefore I don’t want to complain about it to anyone now that I already have three kids.They would probably think “Isn’t it a little too late?” I have close to no adult contact, my husband is always working and I sleep alone and cry at night, and don’t even get me started on our money situation. The credit cards are about maxed out and I worry 24/7. I just keep thinking, “What the hell did I do?”
Wow….that’s sad….
I’m 21 years old and already decided I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted them and never will!
1. I plan to travel while I work teaching English to foreign students. (I don’t HATE kids, just don’t want any of my own!) If I had a child I wouldn’t be able to jump on a plane at the drop of a hat.
2. I can keep my body the same as it is now.
3. Kids cost a FORTUNE! I will save absolutely thousands not having one.
4. If I want a night out on the tiles, or go out for dinner or even a trip to the cinema I don’t have to stress over a babysitter.
5. Lie ins!
6. No 3am wake ups, terrible twos, then the dreaded ‘Kevin’ years.
7. The responsibility. No matter how good a job you think you’re doing, if your child does something wrong then all the blame is on you. It is a hell of a lot to carry on your shoulders – every single thing about your child is down to you and how you raise them. I can’t handle that much responsibility!
8. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Some people consider that selfish, but who cares!? If you want to spend your time doing what you want, then go for it!
9. What if your child becomes a monster? I may sound overdramatic, but no matter how well you bring them up, some children grow up to become rapists, murderers and paedophiles. I couldn’t bear that if that happened.
10. Being a parent is a 24/7 job for the rest of your life. Worrying yourself sick about what they are doing, who they are with etc. No thanks!
There we have it!
God this post came at the right time. Can I rant, please?
I am really struggling lately with the amount of outside pressure I’m getting about the whole kids/no kids thing. My partner wants them and I would give anything to see him happy….except maybe not 20 years of my life, my identity, my body, my financial stability, my freedom and everything else that makes me, me! But I do love him and sometimes catch myself thinking how happy he’d be if I had his child…until we started arguing and got divorced of course!! Haha
I’m just finding that with my family, my partner’s friends, sometimes (but not often) my partner, my own friends…everyone is always telling me that I’ll love the kid when it arrives, it’s different when it’s your own, all the old shit. But there is SO MUCH of this it becomes really hard sometimes to hold fast to the truth in my gut that I still don’t want them.
Like, of COURSE I want a family and OF COURSE I want this loving, solid unit of people that will always be there for me, but I just don’t think the sacrifice is worth all that. I can get that sense of love from my own family, my extended family and my partner – why do I need to sacrifice everything to be able to parade my own little brood around?!
I don’t even know what I’m saying here. Just that I’m finding myself wavering under all this pressure and it makes me so mad, because it’s all bullshit. I really want to be able to say “yep – kids are for me” because that would be so much easier – just going with the flow, never thinking about what I want with my life, never taking responsibility for my own decisions, just do what everyone else does. God it must be so easy to be blind and ignorant and never even question that you want kids like everyone else .
Like, a girl I talked to last night agreed with me when I said that nobody with kids ever seems to be happy, but she still talked about how she and her husband want them right away. I don’t understand this, she’s nodding and agreeing with everything I say but then saying “oh we just want MORE you know”? Well, so do I! Just not a “more” that makes everything else in my life “less”.
I know this is a total ramble and isn’t saying anything, but I wanted to just rant and get all this frustration out of my head, and I know the people here will understand what I mean.
The one thing that I hold tight to, that keeps me on track, is asking myself, if my partner turned to me today and said “I’ve changed my mind, and I never want to have kids, and I’m getting myself snipped todaY” how would I feel? The answer is relieved and SO happy! And that is a good indication that I just have to remember that no matter how much I love him, I must love myself more. If I have a kid just for him I will end up miserable and resentful and probably lose him anyway.
Choosing to write my own blueprint for happiness instead of going with the standard off-the-plan version is so hard sometimes. It takes so much strength of character and conviction. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never has to take the path less travelled, when it’s overgrown with thorns and brambles and traps and dead ends….
…but you know what? It’s aaaallllllll worth it!!!
Hi marylou,
It sounds like you have a good grip on things. However, I’m sorry to say you may have to accept the (strong) possibility of losing your partner. I was in that situation once before and I’m glad I didn’t cave. Just know that it will be his loss.
Hi Xena,
Funny you say that, as we broke up today. For the second time. And here I am thinking, “is this REALLY easier than just having one little kid?”
If I still love him in a year, we’ll see.
For now, yes you are right, I have to NOT cave.
Sorry that you broke up over it. You are right though, you definitely do not want to cave. No matter how difficult or painful a breakup/divorce is, that pain is temporary. Being a parent is a permanent life sentence if you don’t want it.
oh. sarah, marylou, i forget which name i use on which site! haha
All right guys; I agree with you in most of the advantages you mentioned of being childfree. I feel the same. But (there is always a but, isn’t it?) have any you had a conflict inside you? That is, on one hand there is your rational side who tells you “ok, you are married, bought a house, have been working for few years now, it is time to have kids”. Well, that is what “you are supposed to do”. I grew up in a society where raising a family is the next step after getting married. On the other hand, there is my emotional side, my instincts which tell me “please, don’t do that to me”. Every time I think that I have to have kids, a wave of fear, anguish and anxiety fills my body. No matter how hard I try to rationalize to convince myself that is what “everybody” does, my guts feels the opposite. I enjoy so much my freedom; in fact, I love when after a long day of work, I get home and can go to bed at eight o’clock if I want to. This
feeling of joy, pleasure makes me feel so guilty. My rational side keeps torturing me: “shame on you, you should be giving your life for your children, make your life worth living”. Of course I can ignore my instincts and have children but the idea of feeling miserable and depressed makes me be scared to death. Besides, like somebody else said, “kids want to be adored, not to rationalize love; they will realize there is something wrong”. I try to keep telling myself “be true to yourself”, because how can I make my kids happy when I am not? How can I teach them things that even myself are not convinced?
Do you have any advise, ideas of how can I if not get rid of this sense of guilt, at least handle it in a healthier way? Please, help me out.
Hi Arianna,
You keep referring to the nagging thoughts that you should be having children as “rational”. Do not confuse societal pressure for rationality. Having children can be quite an irrational decision. People just go ahead and do it even when they don’t especially enjoy children, or they are financially unstable or worse when they are in some kind of hormonal frenzy; just to name a few reasons. Just know that many people who have kids try to pressure others into parenthood because misery loves company. It is your life and it is upon you do decide what you will and will not enjoy. Just believe that you are worth it. Best of luck.
Xena has basically said it all. Societal pressure isn’t rationality – don’t confuse the two. If you want to have kids, then have them. If you don’t you do not have to have them -so don’t. You do of course have to be able to stick to your decision and people will tell you all the reasons you’re wrong. What matters is what you want… so think less of the imagined “instincts” and guilt and try and decide what it is you really want.
Does it mean that what my instincts are telling me is the truth over this dilemma? that is, my truth? it is very interesting how people have different priorities in their lifes: their children, their career, their physical appearance, money, you name it. I always dreamt about my “blue prince” but never raising any children. I don’t know if you have experienced this feeling but it seems to me that I have never “owned” that thought. The fact of raising a family has always been somebody else’s never mine.
I know that I already made a decision: no kids; however, that part of me who tells me “you should have kids because that is the cycle of life” mourns that decision and does not accept it. It is part of the process and sooner (I hope) or later, I will find a balance in my life and peace in my mind. Thank you for your support and for giving me insight into this painful process.
“Does it mean that what my instincts are telling me is the truth over this dilemma? that is, my truth?”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
It can be a struggle. Since declaring my child freedom, I’ve really had my eyes opened to all the pressures I didn’t really take notice of when I was younger. I often dose myself with realities that just aren’t visible to society at large. So many people seem to think that the human race is barely hanging on when in fact it is rapidly approaching 7 billion. Anytime I hear a mom patting herself on the back about enduring childbirth, I just think of what an optional thing that is in this day and age, or how she could have adopted or fostered some child that was already in need. Sometimes you’ll be in a position where you are comfortable saying things like this out loud and other times you have to bite your tongue and just use it to console yourself.