I’ve always had my doubts about the maternal instinct. I used to hear about it quite frequently – in fact I still do. We’re are told all real women have it.
We are told that its “natural” for women to want babies and this view is still, in my opinion, widely held. The implication is that a childfree woman is “unnatural”. Many childfree women have been accused of not fulfilling their “natural” role – supposedly to produce and nurture children.
As far as the maternal instinct is concerned there have been many theories about whether or not it exists. Personally, I think it’s hard to either prove or disprove it, and as a childfree woman I don’t really care if it does exist. At least, not now.
For years, I thought that I should be feeling this “maternal instinct” that everyone talked about and said I was supposed to have. Well, I didn’t. I did wonder when this “instinct” would kick in – (supposedly like some kind of switch triggered by an equally absent biological clock suddenly and uncontrollably overriding my developing decision not to have children) – but I am glad that I didn’t waste too much time fretting about it. It remained remarkably absent. So clearly I don’t have this instinct, and, since I’m happily childfree, was probably never meant to either.
Not feeling this “maternal instinct” is a large part of why I decided to be childfree. And I am more and more convinced that the maternal instinct is little more than a myth concocted by society to compel women to reproduce. Couple that with the fact that many women want to be needed, want something of their own and want something to be dependent on them… and what better than a baby? Note that thoughts stop at baby, and don’t tend to venture into the realities of raising a teenager whose only mission in life is seemingly to hate you and deride everything you hold dear.
But is this “wanting to be needed” what’s being confused with a maternal instinct?
Then there are today’s realities. For this maternal instinct (or rather because of it) you sacrifice your life – your career, your freedom, your chance of providing for your old age, your choices (because you’re busy giving your all for your kids, so your choices rapidly diminish) even your relationship. And if your husband ups and leaves you, make no mistake – you are on your own, except for the dependents you now have. No one is going to help you.
And yet there are women who just seem to merge with their babies. They seem to know exactly what to do. They know they want children, and they have them and that, for them, is fulfilment. I have no problem if that’s their choice. The problem is, this is then represented as the norm for ALL women. No, for EVERY woman.
That’s wrong. Because if a woman is not showing signs of this maternal instinct she is castigated, and made to feel inadequate. She is also seen as not being a “Real Woman” for a “Real Woman” would never question having babies or, for that matter, that she had the maternal instinct. She is informed that the maternal instinct is there…. she just needs to have a baby for it to kick in. Then she’ll realize her calling.
Riight. Great advice.
No surprise that this thinking leaves no room for considering the childfree choice. A pity, because that would probably free up a lot of women who feel guilty simply because they don’t have what society says they ought to have, in doses large enough to subsume every other thought of self. But, at the end of the day, women have to be responsible for freeing themselves from such useless guilt.
I don’t believe that the maternal instinct (if it does exist) is a universal trait. I think some women have it (by conditioning or otherwise) and many quite patently don’t. I liken it to a character trait. Or maybe this is simply an instinct that exists to take care of small and helpless babies, in which case it’s not limited to women.
Perhaps what passes for maternal instinct are merely “symptoms” of maternal instinct that people look for.
None of which are by any means universal.
This is my view. What’s yours?
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Angela, I nearly cried reading your story. I once thought I was pregnant. I went catatonic for a couple of days. Fortunately I wasn’t. And I wasn’t about to tell my then boyfriend because I didn’t want anyone to interfere with me getting any abortion. That may sound selfish, but I would have been the brood-mare. My body, my decision, etc.
You did THE SMARTEST and, believe it or not, most LOVING thing an ADULT could ever do for a baby. You knew you could not be there for it in a proper way and you gave him over to a set of parents who could give him the best life possible. Please, I hope you feel that in your heart.
As for your ex, I feel it is exactly what og217 said. He had this fantasy life built up around his in his head without any basis of what reality is. And, unfortunately, he is like any other wanna-be breeder schmuck who thinks that all women have some “natural” instinct to breed – or believe the myth that all a woman has to do is see their child and fall in love.
What happens is there is this hormone, oxytonin I believe, that gets released by the mother. I’ve read this is nature’s way of preventing mothers from actually strangling their newborns out of frustration. It’s a chemical reaction. So yes, it can be very real.
However, for some of us CF women, and you’re proof, whether that hormone gets released or not, I can’t say for sure, there is proof that there are SOME women who simply do not want children. Period. Not even after having given birth to one.
You are a very very brave woman, Anglea. Very brave. I’m glad that you ultimately referred to him as your “ex” because he doesn’t deserve you. And, IMO, he’s trying to release all of his anger and frustration out on YOU by trying to give you guilty feelings. Now, I’ve never been in your situation. So I can’t say what I would do, but I just wanted to post, HOPING that you come back to read follow up comments and to let you know that you are very brave, mature, and HONEST. You committed one of the most adult and loving acts by keeping the child’s best interest at heart in your decision to give him up.
HUGE hugs from me to you!
Angela – I think your courage speaks volumes. Not simply what you went through but also sharing your story here. You are certainly NOT alone in not having the mythical “maternal instinct.” I believe fewer women have it than we are led to believe, however many ignore that fact and have children because not only is it the “done thing” it takes guts not to follow the crowd.
Glad this blog has been of some help and hopefully your story will prevent others going through what you did.
Angela, you are amazing, and you did the best thing you possibly could. Every child deserves to be wanted and to live with a loving family, you provided your child with that. And your ex is vile. He pretended to listen to you but never gave your feelings due credence or consideration, rejected the opportunity you gave him to raise the child himself, and now has the temerity to criticise you for the decision you had to make in the best interests of all.
In short, he’s a selfish idiot. The maternal instinct isn’t universal, otherwise the myth wouldn’t need to be buttressed at every available opportunity. I hope you find some peace and happiness in the future.
Angela, I just wanted to add my two cents – what you did was so brave and selfless. You knew you couldn’t be the type of mother the child deserves, and refused to let your ex guilt trip you into making what you knew would be a mistake.
What an appallingly selfish asshole your ex is.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the very best for the future.
hi everyone, I just came across this site and am over the moon to find I’m not alone in having no maternal feelings! Apologies if this is an old thread I’m replying to but after reading all your experiences I felt compelled to say how I fully understand and say how nice it is that others have felt the same
angela- your story was fascinatingand you did absolutely the right thing for yourself and the child. It fills me with rage to hear about children suffering simply because their family were too weak to decide they wernt going to jump on the ‘ I want a baby’ bandwagon and not have them in the first place, or then not realise that the right thing to dofor that child would be to find it a loving new home that will care for it.
ok so a bit about me, I’m 24, have been married for 3.5 years and with my hubby in total for 7 years. I am an only child, he has 2 brothers and a sister, all whom have children. Like many of you, I’ve never wanted a child. I didn’t play with dolls, felt sick at the thought of those dolls that cry and pee etc- yuck! I found the whole idea of parenthood very unappealing throughout my childhood and teenage years. Obviously I was always told “you’re only young, it will come”. It still never has! For a while, my husbands family would ask when we would be having children, when we both replied “probably never” we were told it would happen eventually and it’s different when its your own. That phrase really annoys me as who has the right to have a child just to check if the sight of it suddenly makes you maternal? What if the sight of a bawling, helpless mess fills you with absolute horror, by which time it’s too late, it’s your baby and you can’t simply hand it back to your friend or relative grateful you don’t have to change the nappy! I am not willing to gamble with a life.
My hubby is 29 and he still doesn’t want children thankfully
I am so so grateful to have him and to have found my true soul mate 
Our response to anyone who asks when we will have kids is “our relationship is very strong and we married each other because we love one another, we don’t need litle people around to prove it.”. Personally, I think a lot of women see guys as nothing more than doners and with the sole purpose of using them to get pregnant. Their relationships fail because the guy never wanted a child and they feel deceived. I know that my life is complete and I love my husband as he is, I have no cracks in my relationship that I feel the need to have a child to make up for it!
The only things I have ever felt ‘maternal’ over are animals. Dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, wild zoo animals etc
I used to think there was something physically wrong with me but after Reading all your posts I know realize we are all entitled to be who we are and not conform to the ‘norm’. Thanks all for listening to me ranting 
I enjoyed reading these comments very much because they constitute further proof that my way of thinking (and feeling), is shared by so many others. I am a woman of 43, happily married for 22 years and I have never felt the need or desire to have children. My husband has always shared the same views as I. Furthermore, we both came from families with lots of children: his parents had 6, mine had 4. And all our siblings have children of their own, except for us. This was our choice. One wonderful thing is that neither family has EVER pressured us into having children, nor have they ever given any criticism for our decision to remain child-free. We love our freedom, our independence, and the fact that we can fulfill our desire to spend time with each other, our families and friends whenever we please. Children are precious and we recognize that, but having children is not for everyone. My brother’s little ones are beautiful and we love spending time with them, but at the end of the day, they go home with their parents. And my brother and his wife are always EXHAUSTED!
I live a fulfilled life and I’ve never felt I had to apologize for not wanting to have children. Even my friends (from high-school), most of whom are mothers (their children are now teens — and believe me I do not envy them at all!), perfectly understand my decision and most of them even applaud me for my firm decision to not have children. One of them has even said to me “it is so awesome that you are so comfortable in your own skin”. Well, why not? Look, there are a lot of women who have children and who really should not have. Not everyone who is a parent is a good parent and not everyone who could be a good parent wants to become one. I am one of those in the latter category, and so is my husband; and we are both perfectly content with that.
My gran said “if you don’t want children then you’re not in love with your boyfriend”. She and I get along very well even though we rarely agree, and I laughed it off, but I also thought it was a really, really stupid thing to say!
I also second the notion about people commenting that you’d be a good mother just because you can take care of a dog or whatever. I said something about a cute kid the other day and my friend said “you’re not allowed to talk like that, you don’t want kids”. Oh please. Why do people think that if you don’t want kids it makes you inhuman and incapable of emotion, or that if you show signs of BEING capable of seeing that kids are not little demons then you are somehow claiming a stake of something you have no right too? I don’t want my own kids so I’m not allowed to enjoy other people’s either?
Unfortunately my boyfriend DOES want children. At this stage there seems to be an unspoken agreement that we will live for the moment for a little longer, until one day eventually we have to part ways in order to live the life that is right for each of us. I don’t see it being a nasty breakup but it will happen and it will be painful.
Just not as painful as having children I have never wanted.
I’m in the exact same boat as the person above.
I’m 22 and have felt for a while I wouldn’t want children. I still feel it is wrong to feel this way.
I like babies. I like toddlers…and I like to give them back. I like to sit on the bus when the BRAT on the seat behind me is kicking me in the back and screaming at the top of their lungs and know that’s something I will not have to contend with. I feel liberated to have the choice…but also feel pressure from society that a family is “the norm”
My mum would completely support my choice – however she had me at 29 and says at my age she had no desire to have children either. Whether she ever did have the desire, or just had me because its the norm, I don’t know. My parents and I are close but have no real extended family due to arguments and such. However my partner, who I have deicded is the person I would like to stay with IS from a large, happy family, and I relish the fact that I have also “adopted” them as my own.
However – he wants children and I don’t. And he has said he may consider leaving me if, when the time comes, I don’t want children and he does.
That hurts a but but I couldn’t hold him back from having a “normal” life.
It might sound sad, but all i want from life is a cat, a dog, perhaps a rat and my guinea pig!!! That makes me extremeley happy.
Hi Sheree,
That is not sad at all! I am definitely more of an animal person than a kid person. Also, I much prefer to care for orphans (even if they are just the furry, four legged kind) that already exist instead of bringing new mouths into the world to feed.
BTW, your boyfriend may be in for a surprise. I am happily married now, but I had an ex boyfriend dump me for the same reason (he wanted 5 kids). He’s definitely showed signs of regret. He attempted to get me back, but I had already moved on. Word has it that he settled for some hag who already had a kid. He never even ended up having kids with her and he has taken to smoking and heavy drinking whilst sitting on the couch all day. Now that’s sad.
Someone above posted about their (male) partner wanting kids, but never spending any time with them before. That’s what my boyfriend’s like. He assumed from the start that I would want children, because all women do after all, don’t they?? If he sees a child misbehaving he’s quicker than I am to make a “brat” comment and he has never had anything to do with children other than for a couple of hours at social events, where the mums are always in charge anyway. He has no interest in babies and a very short attention span for toddlers. I don’t think he believes that I don’t want children, but if the time comes that this becomes a big issue, at least I can point all this out to him. Whether he will understand or not is a different issue entirely…
As for the maternal instinct… Well, I have a strong nurturing instinct. I honestly feel at a loss if I have nothing to look after, even if it’s just a plant, but when I look for desire for my own child, there’s nothing there. I like children and quite enjoy being around older ones, but somehow I have just never really seen myself as a parent. I think this confuses my boyfriend – I like looking after things and I quite like children, therefore I must want my own… I just don’t like the idea of pregnancy, birth, loss of financial independent etc. etc. All things HE wouldn’t have to think about.
I have a disease that could very well compromise my fertility. I think my lack of drive to reproduce could be my body’s way of telling me – you can’t have kids anyway, so take another path. Obviously that doesn’t apply to everyone, but it has been a thought that’s crossed my mind.
That’s the thing with (most) men: having children – woohoo, great! Playing with them while they’re nice and behaving – also great. But as soon as it comes to all the nasty stuff – shall the mother take care of this! My ex-boyfriend was very much like yours. I always tended to crying and angry children (those of friends, neighbours and even strangers) while the best he could do was grimacing at the awful noise they were making. Also children always love me for some reason while they were completely uninterested in him – and he in them. Yet when I told him that caring for children, even it’s only for a couple of hours or less, really wears me down and that I probably don’t want to have children on my own (by the way we had already seperated by then and were just friends at that point) he was really shocked and disturbed. And so were all the other males in my life. For some reason me being good with chidren prompts everyone to think I feel a desire to have children. To be true: I’m annoyed by most children even though I’m better with them than most parents are. I tend to the children around me because it’s the right thing to do, because they’re humans and deserve respect and the right treatment and the right amount of empathy as everyone else. Still, being a full-time parent would drive me over the edge…
On a similar subject, I didn’t realise until I was 28 / 29 years old that the concepts of a “nice, kind, warm, compassionate, responsible woman” and “deciding not to have children” are considered as mutually exclusive in the eyes of a lot of the population. I honestly assumed that having children or not was a choice that people would accept, hence the question ‘do you think you’ll have kids?’, not something on which your entire character would be judged.
I can see parenthood involves lots of sacrifices and love and that could make you humbled and see the world differently, but I’ve never equated performing a basic biological function with being a good person.
And while I’m at it, if a women’s natural role is producing and nurturing children, what’s men’s? Going to work? Blimey, that must be tough!
Like all of the other women, I too am glad that I found this site. Ironically, at the moment, I am babysitting my niece, who I love dearly and is as cute as a button. My husband and I have been married for 3, almost 4 years and have been in a relationship for almost 7. We love eachother, have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship and are quite happy. Sometimes, I’m so happy I get paranoid that something will go wrong soon because people just don’t get to be as happy as I am. I will be 28 in a few months and am hoping to begin medical school next fall. I guess most people feel that it’s “about that time” for us because we’re starting to get the “when are you guys going to have a baby” question. The thing is, I don’t really think that I want to have kids. I have never pictured myself with children. I don’t dislike them, but before my niece (who is 7 months), I had never even changed a diaper. I am not the kind of person who asks to hold children and will make myself scarce if I feel threatened..i.e. as if someone might ask or expect me to hold or do all of that foolish drooling over their kid. So, like I said before, I adore my niece..and when she was 3 months old, I decided that I wanted to babysit her for a weekend. We got her on Friday evening and by Saturday afternoon, I was done. I refused to pick her up, I was tired of the crying, the spitting up, the diaper changing, she was like a crying, drooling, wiggly sack of potatoes. I never once even attempted to put her to bed. I couldn’t. I became distant and depressed. My husband however, had the exact opposite reaction. He was great with her. This weekend, again, I found that I am only interested in her for so long…then I’m done. She’s cute, we play, then I move on. He’s head over heels in love with her. Plus, I’m jealous…as immature as that sounds. I’m used to being the only one in his life. When I imagine a life with children, I see couples who can’t shower together because one always has to be with the kid, they can’t eat together and their entire lives are dictated by the kid. I feel (and I’m not so sure if it’s selfish) that because I have worked so hard to get accepted to medical school, that I deserve to be able to spend my money as I want, be free to travel and enjoy the rewards of my sacrifice. I don’t want to have sacrificed my 20s for medical school and then once I finally get situated (house, decent salary, freedom) have to dedicate my life to raising a child. Then, there are the logistics of actually raising a child. I want to be a cardiologist…quite possibly invasive and I want to be a GREAT physician…and having a husband is already like having a kid. I firmly believe that if you’re devoting energy to one thing, then you have to neglect something else…and I refuse to just throw money at a kid. I believe wholeheartedly that having children is a blessing and refuse to do it since I feel that after giving to my husband and my work, I want whatever is left for myself. I don’t want to be one of those moms who knows she’s in over her head and cries in the shower. The problem is, how do I stress this to my hubby? We said that we didn’t want kids, but as time is passing, he is changing and I am not….and I don’t feel guilty about it. I only feel saddened that I might hurt him. Any advice?
ATLmorena – I’m in something of a similar situation: married, both of us in our early 30s and now starting to get the “so when are you going to have a baby?” questions, and me realizing that while I don’t have a problems with kids per se – love my nieces, nephews & kids of close friends – I feel no strong call to have any kids of my own. I like spending time with them, but the enjoyment I get from that is definitely affected by the fact that I know at the end of the day, I get to go home and still have my life to myself. In fact, the idea of having to voluntarily give up all the money, time & energy I firmly believe goes into raising a kid right, just leaves me cold. Due to my own experiences, I know firsthand how much work and self-sacrifice goes into caring for another person who’s almost completely dependent on you and I’ve got no inclination to go through that again. I’ve spent a lot of time, money & energy on my career, personal interests and relationship and I just don’t see the point in adding having a child to care for to all that if I’m going to end up resenting that child for making me give up the things I love, my free time, my sense of self, etc. I’ve been on the receiving end of parental resentment and I refuse to do that to any child of my own. So, very much leaning toward not wanting kids and feeling like it’s the right decision. The husband, on the other hand, is ambivalent about kids, but leans more toward wanting at least one (although he still goes back and forth). I love him and we’ve been together for a long time, so I’m hopeful that we can work things out. He’s not pressuring me, but I do feel guilty when he gets a little sad over the idea that we won’t have kids together.
Best advice I can give? First, DON’T FEEL GUILTY about how your growing desire not to have kids. It’s perfectly normal and they’re your feelings, so it’s totally fine that you don’t, in fact, feel guilty about how your feelings have changed. Second, keep the lines of communication with your husband open. Talk about what you both want for yourselves and what you envision for your future together. If you need to, see a counselor together (just make sure it’s not someone who’s going to try to convince you that you’re avoiding parenthood b/c of course being a parent is what all grown up married should want) – a good counselor can help you and your husband communicate and figure out what you both really want and hopefully you’ll be able to mutually respect each others’ choices. And third, be sure of what you want and stick to it – if you end up deciding that you’re really ok with having a kid, that’s fine and good luck to you, but don’t convince yourself that if having a kid will make him happy, maybe you can be happy having one even if it’s only for your husband’s sake. I’ve seen too many couples go down that road and while the reluctant parent usually stays and does their best to be a good parent, the marriage is irrevocably altered by resentment and loss of intimacy and a HUGE amount of regret.
Oh yeah – go through the archives here. There are some excellent and thoughtful posts here that touch upon some of the issues you’ve brought up as reasons you’re leaning toward not wanting a child of your own, and many of the people who comment on this blog are great to talk to and provide wonderful support. Good luck!
Hello there.
I am another female who is not maternal. I am 21.
From a young age I didn’t play with dolls, never had a “toy baby” or anything like that.
I have always been more emotionally attached to animals than small children.
Even when my nieces and nephews were born… i was happy for my brothers and sisters, and love the new additions to the family but I am awkward when i hold small babies, couldnt imagine where to begin if i were to babysit them. In fact I was nervous when my brothers wife asked me to wipe her sons hands and mouth!
When children become 5 or 6, then i start to feel very comfortable around them, and they seem attracted toward talking with me, or handing me their books or toys.
I think it’s because I can now communicate, if only a little.
They are no longer screaming little toerags that keep you awake all night, and all day.
But then, if i really think about it. I just dont want a baby. I don’t want children. I don’t need them to feel complete.
Call it selfish.
I don’t want to give up my time, energy, money, relationships and freedom for the next 21 years… or whenever they would move out.
I never had a maternal instinct either, before I had a child. Like you, I didn’t really waste much time pondering on whether I had it or not, if I was normal or a freak, or whatever. If a woman chooses not to have children, that’s their choice, and should be respected. And believe me, if a woman does not feel complete “before” having a child, that child isn’t going to do it either. Maybe that’s the problem … a woman feels incomplete, and gets a man to “complete” her … when that doesn’t work, she moves on to having a child in order to boost her self-worth and “fulfill” her purpose. Who knows.
Anyway, I did end up having a child, one boy. He’s 21 now, and I love him with all my breath. I think my maternal instincts kicked in, the moment he was born. I was miserable all during my pregnancy. Nevertheless, I would lay down my life for him … for me, that’s the instinct that is completely natural for women. If a mother lacks this instinct to nest and bond after giving birth, THAT is when you should start worrying.
Thanks for the great read, and keep following your own instincts, wherever they lead.
Im glad some of you have realized this without having had children. I was reading this post because I have a family member that has three children the youngest is only one. She does not live in the US but I believe she had children because it’s “what you do”. She is not a mother by any means. She does not know her children and they love their nanny as they should a mother. It is very sad to know. I admire you all for knowing yourself well enough to go against what others might expect of you.
“Or maybe this is simply an instinct that exists to take care of small and helpless babies, in which case it’s not limited to women.”
I really like this because I had once said it to an ex of mine who took a Psych class in first year and sophomoric-ly went on about how there was no maternal instinct. This of course I do agree with. But, when I said that humans have some sort of need to protect-and that this need can be sublimated into any form like caring for puppies, tarantulas, cats, snakes, gorillas, donating to causes-she didn’t want to hear it and shot my thought down. I am not motherly, and I never have been. I do feel badly that my bf would like a child and I will not accomodate, but he’s just not realistic. As much an I would enjoy the project of moulding a little human mind for the greater good of humanity and caring for something with him by my side, unfortunately having the child live takes money and kiss our life and our lives goodbiiiiiye. If only it were 10, 000 years ago, I’d fare better with parenting…after I had employed a surrogate, of course.
I know it’s been quite a while since all of you have been discussing this issue, but I just stumbled over this article after googling ‘lack of maternal instinct’ and I’m so glad I did. The reason for me researching the subject was that I’ve never had the desire of having babys and I wanted to look at the medical/psychological/sociological reasons given for that. To avoid misunderstandings: There is a huge part in me that wants children, BUT a) in these moments I want CHILDREN not BABYS, I want someone to be a guide and mentor to. So is this maternal instinct or rather educator instinct? b) even when I want to have children I still don’t want to be a mother – now make sense of that! There’s so much about being a mother that just doesn’t feel right for me – and it starts with pregnancy itself. My grandmother (who is a very old school type of person) always tells me how proud she was when she first found out she was pregnant, after 7 unsuccessful years of trying, and that the first thing she did was buying extra-small sweaters so everyone could see ‘how much’ pregnant she was! Same scenario with me in the lead role: break down crying in horror, buy extra-large sweaters and research abortion options in Germany.
Also I never thought human babies are cute. I don’t mean to alienate anyone who thinks they are, but as for my part I’ve had what comes close to the so-called maternal instinct only for animals (newborns and grown-ups alike).
Lately, like for two years or so, my relatives all give me lectures about how life will change once I have kids. My father especially using the ‘parental concerns’-card as an excuse for his exaggerated worries about my safety and his constant meddling in my life.
“Wait until you have your own children, you’ll see!”
“Maybe I’ll never have them.”
“You’ll be so sorry when you’re 40 and you don’t have children…”
The thing is: I don’t have a boyfriend right now and I can’t just nod my head like Jeannie and *pouf* there is the offspring. And even if I could, I don’t want to b a single mom just for the sake of having children. Nor do I wanna go out there looking for a partner with the thought in mind ‘I have to find someone with whom I can start a family’. No. I wanna go out there and fall in love. And only if I find someone that I can imagine myself growing old with I can rethink the whole having children matter. Or to put it in other words: I’ll leave the decision up to my then-to-be significant other. If he wants children, I believe I’ll be okay with that. If he doesn’t, I’ll be okay with that too – and maybe even relieved. So, the whole point of my endless speech here is: I have (at the moment at least – by the way I’m almost 29) no emotional urge to get pregnant, be a mom or even have kids around me. Maybe this will change, maybe it won’t. But I would appreciate society and especially my immediate environment to stop telling me what to want and feel just because I have an uterus. Did it ever occur to people that maybe some women just don’t develope certain hormones to feel that urge?
I say live your life and change your mind about things as often as you want and never get irritated by other people’s expectations.
End of announcement!
By the way I experience a lot of ‘been there – done that’ moments when I read through all of the other entries.
I am also not maternal, I hate how people always give it the “oh youll want kids some day” um no, i wont, i know what I want and dont want, and I DONT want kids, now get that through ur thick heads. Just cos Im a girl doesnt mean i like babies. Infact I hate them and I dont like kids. Theyr annoying. LOL.
I am a 36 year old woman who is childfree.. but I was the product of two parents who ended up not caring for me at all. My mother never really cared for me and eventually abandoned me at the age of 6 and my father never was able to make a connection with me and now we are estranged.. What does this all have to say about the so called “parental instinc”??
Wow, although I didn’t read all of these posts, it appears that only people without kids have written. I just feel obliged to say that you all have the right to your own opinions, but in case mine helps understand the other side, here it is… Before I had my 3 year old, I wasn’t even thinking about maternal instincts and I was starting to wonder if at 30 years old I really needed or desired to have kids anymore. It was a kind of feeling that came and went over the years. Sometimes I felt that I wanted them and other times like why mess with the happiness and freedom that I already had. I didn’t really feel like something was missing. I can totally understand how people can live completely happy and fulfilled lives kid-free. However, now knowing what I know now and having gone through it, having the most wonderful gift in the world, my precious 3 year old girl, I am so glad that I did. Because you’ve never been through it, you don’t know what you are missing! My maternal instincts kicked-in a little when I was pregnant (but not before). The worrying started, will her heart beat, is she moving enough, and the need to protect my over-sized belly. Even though I had an agonizing c-section, my world stood still when I saw her and held her for the first time. She was the most beautiful, amazing baby I had ever seen. I have had this almost overwhelming need to protect, nurture, and love her unconditionally ever since she was born. I feel that I am driven to be a better person. Having a child has changed me completely for the better. I never knew a love like this existed. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my child, I would die without hesitation if I needed to. She is like a little piece of heaven to me. I could go on and on for hours and you would see my eyes light up if you saw me. I am also very happily married and the love for a child is different than the love for a husband. Both are wonderfully different.
I am really moved by what you said, Ericca. I tried to respond to this blog one time, awhile back, and a guy wrote back and told me I was a “troll” … I guess you need to be child-free to write on this blog, so I stopped. I was just trying to explain what I felt being a mother. Anyway, I like what you said. You said it better than I was able to.
I am very sorry Yip! I also had a crappy childhood (that’s an understatement). Alcoholic mother with apparently not many instincts except for to drown herself in her sorrows, bottle after bottle, and my father died when I was 3. I was in foster care and later adopted when I was 11 years old by a problematic family who later divorced. I have nothing to do with my adopted mother. I think that also makes me want to be a better parent than they ever were to me. I definitely do believe there are people who shouldn’t have kids. Just listen to your heart.
Natalie, lots of people say they never even liked kids, but absolutely adore their own. Your own are totally different than anyone else. The best thing to do is a lot of soul searching and listen to your heart. Children aren’t for everyone! I didn’t realize until after I had mine that I now would have totally felt like I missed out on one of life’s most precious gifts if I had never had her.
I am 35, and have 3 kids. I never liked kids growing up, hated babysitting. Never wanted kids of my own. That said, I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 19 and had laser surgery at the time. doctors wanted to put me on pills that would essentially put my body through menopause to stop the endometriosis from growing. I was told when I wanted to have kids, “there is always in-vitro”. Well, I was too scared to take those pills, but didn’t take birth control because it seemed like I wouldn’t be able to have kids. Guess what? duh…I got pregnant. I was married, and I thought my husband would kill me, but he was over the moon. I eventually got excited and looked forward to the baby. Had her at age 21, and experienced the most profound postpartum depression. wanted to die. told everyone NEVER to have kids. thank god, I never wanted to hurt her or anything, but definitely there was no instant bond. thankfully, she was the “perfect” baby, and too easy to love… so I quickly turned into one of those moms that everyone hates, as I bragged about my perfect child. NEVER wanted another one though. Until 3 years later, when we decided SHE needed a sibling. Major depression again, and this kid was the devil….sick with everything, colic, reflux, ear infections, and generally not a happy kid. I loved him, but said NO MORE KIDS. Fast forward to now… I am remarried, my older kids are 14 and 10. Hubby is 15 years older than me. for some CRAZY reason, I wanted to give him the “gift” of parenthood. Someone, shoot me. Talk about depression AGAIN..for the past year. I love the baby, but I HATE having a baby again. I am NOT good at it. this time, I am “lucky” enough to stay home all but 2 days a week. I’m dying inside, and he is amazingly, dying for more kids. we are probably going to get divorced over this, because I told him I would rather kill myself than do it again. I love all my kids, I am a good mom to them. BUT… essentially, not that mother-instinct kind of person either. that bonding with each kid took a while, and each one felt like an intruder at first. it was a painful experience, and going through this again, after the other kids are so independent is even worse. I feel so trapped, and we fight all the time because he doesn’t understand how I don’t feel blessed and lucky to be home all day. All I can say is, I am sure I would have been fine never having them, although I would not go back and change things now… I’ve put too much time into these guys and love them with my whole heart… I certainly don’t love the idea of ever having another. and NO ONE should ever have a kid if they don’t really really want to. Right now, I am just looking forward to that magic age of about 3 years when they become less like little animals and that independence starts little by little. I feel like such a bad mom for this, but I know I’m not alone. It is the hardest job ever, and I don’t think it’s selfish to want to have a life outside of raising a family. I put off graduate school for a year now, and haven’t gone out alone with my husband except 1 time in the past year. social life??? only at the little gym
I get it when people don’t like kids… mine are the only ones I DO like… and I never let them run around or act annoying in public, because I hate it when other people let their kids do that. I know we all start out this way, as babies etc.. but I like us all better a little older!! Kudos to you all for knowing what you want, and don’t want in this life.
If we had more mothers as honest as you are people might think twice before a) having kids and b) criticising those who don’t want to go down that route. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, but Kimmy doesn’t need to refer to her child as “devil” or “little animals” — I mean, really. Glad she’s being honest and got all that off her chest. Yes, just please please don’t have kids if you don’t want them. We don’t need more moms who aren’t feeling maternal. Seriously. Kimmy, please tell your husband to read your statement here so that he knows for sure how you feel. He shouldn’t pressure you to have more.
I enjoyed reading your views on the maternal instinct. This is a subject very close to my heart as I am raising a daughter (stepdaughter) with my husband, her biological father. As you discussed the sacrifices of parenthood, I have given up my life…my professional career, many of my activities and interests, have developed new interest that are in lines with being a mother, etc. I am not complaining, as I have chosen to do this. I have no biological children, although I did always want to give birth to children. I believe that I have a maternal instinct to care and protect, not just my daughter, but any child.
My daughter’s biological mother is given visitation rights by the state in which we live, and she is the bolar opposite of me. She lives her life with no thought for what is best for this child; she left her in a hotel when she was three, so she could go to a bar and get high; she took her on drug deals; she neglected her and refused to take her to a doctor during a week of summer vacation and a simple sore turned into MRSA. I could ramble on with a hundred other examples, but the bottom line is that this woman who gave birth to my daughter and three other daughters who were raised by her first husband, never considers the health and welfare of these children. She displays no materinal instinct to nurture and care for children. Visits are for her gratification and entertainment.
Sadly, she got pregnant not to raise and nurture a child, but to catch a husband, and in the first marriage kept spitting out kids in an attempt to keep the husband. Fortunately, my husband figured out to stop the baby making after the first until he could see how she cared for the child.
My take on maternal instinct is that it is an innate willingness to care for and to protect a child, any child. Paternal instinct is that same willingness in men. I believe that as a species some of us have a drive to procreate for the sake of the species, while others procreate for completely selfish and self-serving reasons; and some don’t feel the need to procreate.
If an individual feels no desire to produce offspring, then that person should live his/her life in peace, knowing that he/she has made the decision that is correct for him/her, as well as the unborn. We have far too many children in this world who were created for reasons that inherently destine them to a less-than-desirable and unhealthy life.
I applaud your self awareness and your courage to stand up against the “norm.”
Mom by choice, not pressure.
Dear Britgirl — I’m just confused reading what is a very shallow argument on your part. First of all, NO woman would feel a maternal instinct until they actually had a baby. I don’t think that many people are really out there saying “have a baby and the instinct will kick in.” In fact, most women who are mothers, like myself, would tell you and other women like you that you’re doing the right thing in not having children. If you don’t want children, that is okay, and I don’t think you are actually castigated for feeling this way. Most true mothers would say, “If you’re not ready, don’t do it! It’s the hardest job in the world and unless you really want this life, don’t do it!” I don’t think a real mom would ever say the things you’ve reported. I’ve never heard such a thing. Sure people might wonder why you didn’t have a child, but I doubt that you’re ever vilified for it. Some people choose career, others choose travel, others might choose motherhood. And just for the record, you CANNOT have it all — for sure, you can’t have it all at the same time. Otherwise your kids pay the price. Anyway, when people talk about maternal instinct, they are talking about the primal feeling that comes over a woman once their child is actually born. That “mother lioness” instinct in which you would literally lay your life down for your child. You would step in front of a speeding car to save your child’s life, willingly giving up your own life for theirs. You would kill someone who was trying to kill your child. You CANNOT possibly have these feelings prior to having a baby or adopting a child. So yes, I do believe that even a homosexual couple who adopts or brings a child into the world can have a “maternal instinct” once their child is brought into their family. So “delivering a baby” isn’t the only way, for sure. But just to say that the “maternal instinct should kick in and make me want to have a baby” is just silly. My opinion. — Cathey (mom of two boys)
And one more thing, regarding Reggie’s article. I am also a stepmother to two children in addition to my two biological boys. I get what you are saying. The bio mom’s “maternal instinct” obviously didn’t “kick in” like Britgirl says people argue will happen. I think she is a mother who never should have been a mother. I think there are certainly women who don’t have the “mother gene” for lack of a better word. They should never have kids, and too bad there’s not a way to figure this out ahead of time. Or maybe there is. Something tells me that there are usually warning signs — ie, narcicism, borderline personalities, or just plain selfish. There are probably signs. I know a lot of women who should never have had children. So I guess for some, the primal instinct just isn’t there.
Cathey,
First of all, not only did you use the word “castigated”, but you used it correctly. I actually had to look that up and that doesn’t happen often, thank you.
At first I thought you were a troll, but I reread your posts and decided otherwise. I believe Britgirl was talking about the desire to have children, or rather society’s thoughts that women should want to have children, and not about what people will do once they have children. I think you might have been confusing the instinct (supposedly) to procreate with the instinct to protect.
I for one have neither the desire nor the equipment to be a mother. But seriously, I have been told many, many times “you’ll want a baby once you have a baby”. It happens so often it just becomes background noise that I try not to pay attention to. Social expectations for procreation are different for men then they are for women, so I can only imagine how often childfree women hear about maternal instinct. Most people who have made the adult decision to not have children have at some point in their adult lives been denigrated for it. The words most often used are narcissist, borderline personality, or just plain selfish; thats why I thought you were a troll.
The social stigma with being childfree I imagine can be very subtle from a parents point of view. You said “Sure people might wonder why you didn’t have a child…” From your point of view I imagine talking to someone about neither having nor wanting children is a rare occurrence. From our point of view it is quite common. Everyone wonders why we didn’t have a child, and for every person that doesn’t say anything there are ten more behind him willing to fill the silence.
I think a lot of things people think of as instincts are not really instincts, or if they are they are certainly not universal. Even instincts that people might assume were totally universal, like the instinct for self-preservation or the gag reflex, don’t exist in every person. Look at the daily news and you will find case after case of people whose “parenting instincts” are non-existent and never kicked in, not after one kid and not after six or seven either.
I’ve also noticed, especially when people talk about motherhood, that people talk about parents being either great or horrible. If someone is not a good mother, she’s a terrible mother, or vice versa. Seems like in reality there’d be a bell curve. Most parents are mediocre, some are wonderful, some are wretched. People who say I’d be a great dad are probably trying to compliment me, but realistically I think I’d be just a passable to below average one.
Replying here to SS:
I’m just so offended by your reference about the Stay-At-Home Mom’s Club and you say, “How can adults find 2 hours babbling about how many ounces of peas their baby ate stimulating?” For all my years as a mother — which has been for the past 21 years — I have never once had a conversation like that with other stay-at-home moms, or any mothers for that matter. We actually DO have stimulating conversations. It’s really annoying when one type of woman criticizes another type of woman, simply for the fact that she chose a different JOB than the women who don’t want to have kids. Being a mother IS a simulating JOB! I’m just annoyed reading some of these posts. Sorry you guys have missed out on the most beautiful experience I have ever had in my entire life. Thanks for reading. And yes, I gotta go feed the kids some PEAS!! Apparently that’s all I know how to talk about. — Cathey
Hi Rick, I just read your post. Thanks for what you said. It made me think some more about what I wrote. I’m definitely not a troll, I think I was just feeling passionate. I am sure you’re right that I don’t realize how often people have said someone crass and unkind to those who choose to not have children. I myself tell people all the time, don’t have kids unless you really want them! It’s tough, and it doesn’t always turn out the way you hope. Sometimes your kids have disabilities or problems that you didn’t expect. You worry about them all the time. It’s not an easy job. And for all the times someone has said something to you guys for not having kids, I get to hear that I’m wasting my college (and post-graduate) education because I chose to become a stay-at-home mother. Believe it or not, I do use my education in raising my kids, so this always baffles me. As do the comments like the one made by “SS” stating that stay-at-home moms sit around and talk about the peas their kids eat. I mean, I get it, sometimes we do exchange tips on how to make the babies sleep through the night! But seriously, doesn’t it just put women down to box them into all these categories? I just get tired of it. Thanks for your comments though, you were nice in what you said and you accomplished your goal of making me think some more. And I do have a few friends, actually, who chose to not have children and I’m really proud of them. And a little bit jealous sometimes, too.
Rick — one more thing, sorry but I read your message again just now. When I referenced people who are “narcissist, borderline personality, or just plain selfish” — I definitely did not mean that these are qualities of people who choose to not have children. I meant that perhaps these are red flags that could tell us which women should not ever have children at all. I don’t mean the women who chose to remain childless. I meant the women who go ahead and have kids when they never should. I’m sorry for saying that though. It was sort of troll-like. I get sad when women don’t want to take care of their children that they did bring into the world. That’s all I meant. I didn’t word it very well.
Cathey,
I realized that’s what you meant, it just took me rereading it to figure it out. If I had thought you were a troll I wouldn’t have said anything. I make it a point of personal policy “not to feed the trolls”. Forums like this are great for being passionate, as I’m sure you can tell the posters here are very passionate. I’m glad I made you think, it means I’m not just shouting into the wind.
One of the questions I get asked about not wanting kids is “what if you change your mind?”. It seems like a fair question but it implies that not wanting kids is temporary and wanting kids is somehow permanent. I see the parents that don’t want to take care of their kids as at one time wanting kids and then changing their minds. And by wanting kids I’m including the mindset that they are not willing to take the proper precautions to not have kids. I’ve seen that attitude many times among men, or more accurately boys. Most men who don’t want to take care of their kids never intended to have kids, they’re just irresponsible and short-term goal oriented.
Maybe its my personal prejudices, but women just seem to me to be more responsible and forward thinking when it comes to sex. I think most women who don’t want to take care of their kids intended to have kids but didn’t know what they were getting into. Maybe they thought kids were a fashion accessory, or easier to take care of. I could be wrong, I have more experience talking to reluctant fathers than I do talking to reluctant mothers.
As far as wasting your education, I can’t think of any situation outside of an unexpected lobotomy in which an education is wasted. It’s like any other possession, all be it an existential one, you use it how you see fit. Just because I have a yard doesn’t mean I’m wasting it if I don’t grow corn on it.
I think it’s fair for someone to ask me about the chance that I’ll change my mind. It’s at least a step up from someone just assuming that I will change my mind. Honestly, maybe I will change my mind. I can’t guarantee I won’t, I just think it’s highly unlikely, which is what I usually say.
By the same token, then, I get to ask parents about whether they will change their minds in the future. What if you stop wanting to be a parent? “Oh, that’ll never happen.” To that I say, “I know you think that now, but how do you KNOW you won’t change your mind?”
Or, a little less confrontational response — “Imagine that I didn’t want kids and I NEVER change my mind about that. Can you imagine how great that would be?”
I agree so much.
I feel like my relationship is going to end because I just don’t have that desire to have children. We talk about it, and I get the same response…’oh once you have a baby the instinct will just kick in’, or ‘of COURSE you want a child – you just don’t know it yet’…
And yes, I find myself just not even bringing up the fact that I don’t think I want children, because people do act like you are some kind of unnatural person, not a REAL woman, etc. I came online just now just to validate my feelings of, no, I am not the only female out there who isn’t obsessed with having a baby.
It worked.
Thankyou.
And you know what? Even if you WERE the only person who didn’t want children, it still doesn’t mean that you should have children. Having a minority viewpoint doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
You’re not alone, and you’re not weird. I just wanted to add that being weird (or being thought weird) is not the end of the world in any case.
Some women don’t want kids and then they suddenly change their mind, some don’t want kids and never change their mind. Whatever you are I respect your decision. While I don’t personally understand it. I respect it.
Perhaps it is this not understanding that alienates women who don’t want kids from women who do. Perhaps when they/we try to understand women who don’t want kids we assume something is wrong. If so I am sorry that people are making you feel “defective.”
I respect and admire your ability to recognize that motherhood isn’t for you and your strength to not “give in” to peer presure.
To all you other ladies out there who also don’t have “maternal instinct”, you aren’t alone! I don’t have it either! Sure, I’ve pretended, but I’m sick of pretending, society! Sick of it! I’m in my 30’s. I have never nor do I believe will I ever want kids. If I’m wrong and decide I want them after menopause, oh well, my problem. That’s what adoption is for… I highly doubt this will happen although it is something I frequently hear; I’m plain sick and tired of hearing it… Anyway, if you want kids or want a woman who wants them them, good for you, but I do NOT. Is there something wrong with me? No. I’m just different than you/your ideal. Deal with it! By the way, I am not “unnatural”, “bad”, or “masculine” either. In fact, I’m a sensitive and wonderful lady who refuses to put a child though the trama of being born to a mother who doesn’t want him/her because I do love kids (I just dont’ want one). I’d still make a wonderful girlfriend or wife too! In fact, we can have a lot of fun together traveling, sky diving, etc. since we won’t be tied down with a kid plus I’m in my early 30’s but still have the body of a 22 year old (i.e. no pregnacy associated damage like excessive stretch marks and stuff plus I actually have time to work out). If you have older kids, I’m okay with that – just don’t expect me to be their mom. They hopefully already have a mom, your ex, and if not, they have you, their father. I’m content to be Auntie Tara because I didn’t sign up for the responsibilty of child rearing. Be glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have done a very good job or liked it. Don’t get me wrong, parents, I do respect you, but I’m not like you and I don’t want to be either. Cheers then!
Very well put. Refreshingly sane.
I cannot help but applaud this part:
“If I’m wrong and decide I want them after menopause, oh well, my problem. That’s what adoption is for… ”
A thousand times yes! Why is individual responsibility so hard for people to grasp? I promise IF I change my mind I will take full responsibility for it and blame no one but myself IF it was a mistake.
You guys have really shown me something — I feel sad that you have been made to feel that you are weird or unnatural in not wanting a kid. I guess I am just more enlightened and more evolved, and I thought everyone was like me! I truly didn’t know that childless people were put down by their friends, or that people tried to talk you out of this. I have many friends who chose to remain childless, and I always tell them how smart they are! I love my kids but it’s extremely tough work, and I don’t like every minute of it. I am profoundly nurturing and motherly, so if it’s hard for me, then I can just imagine how hard it would be if you were unsure. So I tell my friends, “You’re doing the right thing, good for you!” And I also tell them I’m a little jealous about how much fun they get to have with their significant other, without worrying that the kids are going to walk into the bedroom.
— SO I will keep up the good work of supporting my child-free friends. But don’t put all of us parents in the same category. I promise we don’t all feel the way you guys have described. It’s been very eye-opening though.
I want to applaud Kimmy who is the first person I know who has admitted not liking motherhood. I am a senioir citizen (71 years young) and when I was young there was no other option for people in my white, middle class neighborhood for girls but to graduate high school, become a secretary (or some other job which served others), get married and have babies. I was never offered the opportunity to go to college and, so I complied with my family’s wishes and did all of the above.
I married a man I really didn’t love; he spoke jup to my father, who I was terrified of and who was a bully and, low and behold, the man I married could have been his son. I looked forward to having a baby, after all that’s what I was supposed to do. My first baby was even tempered, sweet, ate and slept according to Dr. Spock, whom I followed and made me think that I was a perfect mother. Well, the second daughter came along and all hell broke loose. She was a preemie, who had to be kept in the hospital after I left. I would have to go and feed her and I remember sitting in the chair holding her saying “she isn’t mine, I feel nothing for her”. The feeling, plus a deep depression followed me for years. I never felt nurturing toward this child and, try as I might, I couldn’t figure out why. Three years later we had a boy and, of course, that was a thrill for my husband and he was a sweet baby Another three years and I was pregnant again; I didn’t want the baby but my husband wouldn’t agree to an adoption. This was another daughter and I thought it was cute when she was able to talk to say in front of people, “what should I have done with you” and she would answer in her little baby voice, “had an abortion”.
My husband and I ultimately split up and I felt trapped, inconsequential, angry to be left with four kids and more depressed than ever. I had to go to work and realized that I loved it.
Rather than go on and on about the horrors that followed in my family life, suffice i to say that today, although I think I am a nice person my children have little or nothing to do with me. I don’t blame them, I guess love begets love and indifference begets indifference.
I wish more women would speak out about this. There have to be more than Kimmy and I.
Thanks for sharing this Jane. I REALLY wish more women would speak out about this too. I am pretty sure there are more people than Kimmy and yourself who feel this way.
Why being part of a society can really suck! I have never fit in. My mother would say to me, “Why can’t you be like everyone else; why do you have to be different?” I would respond, “Because I am not everyone else; I AM different.” Never, never, never, give in to societal “norms” of what you should be or do or think or feel. Each of us, although with inherent similarities, are truly individuals. As individuals we have the right, at least in many countries, to be who we are. I applaud all those who understand themselves and live their lives for themselves. Be happy and proud with who you are, and reconsider relationships with those who question you and your decisions for yourself. Have a child if you want. Don’t have a child if you don’t. Be proud and happy with your decision. F#$% those who question you. Who are they to question you.
During my second marriage I received much pressure from relatives regarding when was I going to start having children. I wanted children (although I never had any via pregnancy), but I wanted them in my time, not some predefined-relative schedule. I am now raising my current husband’s daughter and have been raising her for the past five years.
I would respectfully argue Cathey’s interpretation of maternal instinct. I believe that maternal instinct is an innate drive to protect children, whether they are your biological, adopted, or someone else’s children. It is a given that I seem to be a freak of nature (which I think is a good thing), but I have always been protective and nurturing of children that I have known thoughout my life. I would give my life to save the child of a neighbor, or even a child I did not know. This is just how I am wired. Children are our future; they are innocent; they have limited capabilities and understanding; they require protection.
I believe it cannot be argued that if more people considered the child and not themselves prior to procreating, then we would have far less screwed up people in this world. My parents sucked, but they were wired to graduate, get married, and have kids. I am raising only one child and it is the hardest job I have ever had. I question each day whether I am doing the correct thing. I dread that I may pass along to her some bad characteristic or habit. I worry about stunting her mental or emotional growth. It is not easy. There are many days that I wish for my single, solitary life. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I found myself a parent and not wanting a child.
I am not saying that people who don’t want children are dysfunctional or would screw up a child. Plenty of people who want children srew them up, simply because they are probably screwed up themselves. I’m babbling now. I just really wanted to say: Make decisions for yourselves and be happy..we all deserve to be happy!!!
Wow, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one!
However, I am still young but I can pretty much guarantee that I never want to have kids. I feel no maternal instincts, nor do I like children. Back when I was in high school I had to take home that mechanical baby for parenting class, I hated it! That really reinsured my decision to remain child-free. The class also scared me out of the whole pregnancy and birthing situations, yuck! When I was a child I hated dolls, I would never play with dolls as much as my mom would try to get me to. I preferred to have my teddy bears, action figures and hot wheels. My mom has finally accepted the fact that I really do not want kids, even though she would like a grand daughter some point in her life. I had been trying to show her for quite some time that I am not mother material haha I have no desire to spend my life unfulfilled. To me, a fulfilling life would be marrying my sweetheart, traveling, having my career and having animals. I feel more motherly towards animals than I ever have towards children. I see little kids every day that are just bratty towards their parents and I know that I would never want to have to risk putting up with bratty kids. I feel like kids would ruin my marriage and I would just like to have my sweetheart to myself. We both know that we don’t ever want to have kids but I worry his parents will put pressure on us because they are ALL about family. When I first started dating my boyfriend he was like all guys, just assumed I would want kids because it is the norm for every women to love kids and to want to be a mom. He was very surprised when I told him that I didn’t want kids. Luckily, he told me that he didn’t want kids and was happy that I didn’t. However, he stills worries that one day I will want kids as much as I always reassure him that I don’t. I think that fitting in to the norms of society is not right for everyone. Everyone should be entitled to their own life choice and sometimes it is hard for others to accept that. Women should be doing what is going to make them happy. It would be horrible to bring a child in to this world knowing that you don’t feel any maternal love for that child. In the end, I know I will be happy with my decision.
I came across this post while battling in my brain the fact that I became impregnated by someone whom I love, and…seeing alot of reasons not to have it. My first was the title of this post; I have never thought that I was one of the women who were supposed to have kids. I think that I have met maybe five in my life who I can say I liked (I am 32), and I really don’t generally ‘like’ to be around kids or think that they are cute, like quite a few of the women I have seen do. Honestly, as a ten year old, maybe younger, I knew that I was not emotionally hardwired to give a child the support that it needs, and I still don’t want to knowingly sabotage the emotional upbringing of another human being. I know that I am incapable, and most of the time am alright with that.
But, at this moment it is different for me. Nevermind the fact that I am barely able to support myself (and don’t feel that others should have to support me and my child), that the father is 63, the dollar’s (and quite a few other things are) going down the toilet…, and that somehow my pelvis has found a way to be inflamed for years now–I love the father, dearly. I could not live with myself if I were to hide it, and I have already told him. At first, on the phone tonight, he asked when deadlines were to …end things, but then he quickly turned the other direction referencing…love.
So, here I am, knowing that I am going to be hurting someone that I love dearly tomorrow when we meet, and altering our relationship permanently, because …no matter if all of the aforementioned issues could be overcome, one thing cannot : I have no maternal instinct.
To each own. I do know this without and studies or independent surveys.If and the person you love decide then you have this vague thing you call ‘instinct’ and it comes to fruiation and if you dont ever have the desire or it just works out that you dont…make that reality yours…dont cloake it with INSTINCT..jeez…I have a WONDERFUL VENEMOUS FREE HUMAN THAT IS A TEENAGER..not all people have children just as not all teenagers are what you …who apparently Dont..are what you so flippantly describe..buy a pet …do us all a favor…
Thank you for posting this article and thanks for every one who has replied so far. I use to believe that girls should get married and have kids, because that’s what society throws at us at such a young age, with TV, movies, books, and not to mention were around people all the time who are married with kids. It’s sexist and wrong, and I can’t believe that I’m just now realizing how sexist our society still is. This article and everyones responses to it has changed my opinion dramatically and I just sent a text message to my friend who, I guess I keep pressuring (never saw it like that before) to get married to her boyfriend and have kids, even though she hates the things, and apologized.
And Angela, you are amazing for not bending to your boyfriend’s will just because he was bullying you into keeping him. Not a lot of people can do that, realize who they are and stick to it. You made another couple very happy, the baby happy, and more importantly you made yourself happy.
Thanks again guys!
I want to say something a little bit different. At first, i thought that i don’t have any maternal instinct and that i agree with all the women who say that they don’t want to have children or feel that it is some natural instinct. I mean, no one feels more stronly about it than I do. A mother, a sister, and an ENTIRE society that tries to tell me I’m odd? becuase i don’t want to bring chidlren into a world of pain, a world of limited resources? and how dare anyone define my femininity by having a kid!!!And then, the more I thought about it, i found out, I DO have a maternal instinct. I have 72 clients in my profession of a counselor. They all have varying disabilities- from having physical disabilities to severe mental illness. I once told my client who asked me if i was going to have children that i already had them.
I just happened to have 50 or so at the time. and who is to tell me that those 50-75 people are not worthy of being my “children”. they are who i worry about at night. They are who i care for during the day, So what i didn’t birth them. I care for them, I worry about what they eat, when they eat, if they go to school, if they get a job and if they are happy and successful. Who is to tell me that that is not mothering. I am quite content with that type of mothering and feel quite satisfied by it.
In some ways, i feel happy that i did not further contribute to the pain, but rather am attempting to alleviate it.
so, anyone who thinks women without kids are without any maternal instinct. Please don’t assume. I took care of my sister with severe disabilities from the time I was a young kid, and now I take care of the homeless and the disabled in your community. I do care. I just don’t happen to want to have children in the ugly equation that is life. if you have kids that you felt the support to have, great. But don’t judge women that may not have had the best family life, and/or have their ‘maternal instincts’ satisfied elsewhere.
What you do for others is beautiful. I’ve often thought that those who can love people who are not related by blood are the ones capable of the most altruistic love. Sure parents who have birthed offspring love their kids, but there is an element of ego in that. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, but so many of them couldn’t imagine loving for an adopted child or young person in their life the same way. I’ve heard a lot of parents make derogatory remarks about how anything but their own uterus produced kids would be inferior and I’ve thought to myself that it was a selfish attitude to have. I grew up in a family where some cousins were adopted, some were foster, and there wasn’t any less love for those who weren’t “related” to us. The only reason you knew was because they arrived beyond babyhood or were of a different ethnicity. And they were not there as a substitute, they were lovingly blended with offspring.
Beautiful posts, Faith and SS. There is no shortage of people (or animals) that need TLC in this world. Until everyone can get the care they need, I just don’t see the point of generating more.
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