The Maternal Instinct - The Greatest Myth of All?
30 01 2007I’ve always had my doubts about the maternal instinct. I used to hear about it quite frequently – in fact I still do. We’re are told all real women have it.
We are told that its “natural” for women to want babies and this view is still, in my opinion, widely held. The implication is that a childfree woman is “unnatural”. Many childfree women have been accused of not fulfilling their “natural” role – supposedly to produce and nurture children.
As far as the maternal instinct is concerned there have been many theories about whether or not it exists. Personally, I think it’s hard to either prove or disprove it, and as a childfree woman I don’t really care if it does exist. At least, not now.
For years, I thought that I should be feeling this “maternal instinct” that everyone talked about and said I was supposed to have. Well, I didn’t. I did wonder when this “instinct” would kick in – (supposedly like some kind of switch triggered by an equally absent biological clock suddenly and uncontrollably overriding my developing decision not to have children) – but I am glad that I didn’t waste too much time fretting about it. It remained remarkably absent. So clearly I don’t have this instinct, and, since I’m happily childfree, was probably never meant to either.
Not feeling this “maternal instinct” is a large part of why I decided to be childfree. And I am more and more convinced that the maternal instinct is little more than a myth concocted by society to compel women to reproduce. Couple that with the fact that many women want to be needed, want something of their own and want something to be dependent on them… and what better than a baby? Note that thoughts stop at baby, and don’t tend to venture into the realities of raising a teenager whose only mission in life is seemingly to hate you and deride everything you hold dear.
But is this “wanting to be needed” what’s being confused with a maternal instinct?
Then there are today’s realities. For this maternal instinct (or rather because of it) you sacrifice your life – your career, your freedom, your chance of providing for your old age, your choices (because you’re busy giving your all for your kids, so your choices rapidly diminish) even your relationship. And if your husband ups and leaves you, make no mistake – you are on your own, except for the dependents you now have. No one is going to help you.
And yet there are women who just seem to merge with their babies. They seem to know exactly what to do. They know they want children, and they have them and that, for them, is fulfilment. I have no problem if that’s their choice. The problem is, this is then represented as the norm for ALL women. No, for EVERY woman.
That’s wrong. Because if a woman is not showing signs of this maternal instinct she is castigated, and made to feel inadequate. She is also seen as not being a “Real Woman” for a “Real Woman” would never question having babies or, for that matter, that she had the maternal instinct. She is informed that the maternal instinct is there…. she just needs to have a baby for it to kick in. Then she’ll realize her calling.
Riight. Great advice.
No surprise that this thinking leaves no room for considering the childfree choice. A pity, because that would probably free up a lot of women who feel guilty simply because they don’t have what society says they ought to have, in doses large enough to subsume every other thought of self. But, at the end of the day, women have to be responsible for freeing themselves from such useless guilt.
I don’t believe that the maternal instinct (if it does exist) is a universal trait. I think some women have it (by conditioning or otherwise) and many quite patently don’t. I liken it to a character trait. Or maybe this is simply an instinct that exists to take care of small and helpless babies, in which case it’s not limited to women.
Perhaps what passes for maternal instinct are merely “symptoms” of maternal instinct that people look for.
None of which are by any means universal.
This is my view. What’s yours?
I believe alot of this “maternal instinct” is learned, quite frankly. In fact, there was a study done with baby monkeys in which one group were allowed to stay with their mothers, and the others were separated from them while quite young. The group who were not given maternal contact showed no maternal behaviour whatsoever towards their own offspring when they had them. Obviously, the act of giving birth didn’t influence nor kick-start their “Instinct”.
I also think its abosolutely laughable that many people automatically tend to spout the “you’ll be a great mother” speech whenever they catch you caring for anything other than a child. Sure, I can take great care of animals, but does that mean I have “maternal instinct”? Highly doubtful. Why can society not separate caring and “maternal instinct” (their definition of it) when it comes to women?
I completely agree. I was raised with one sister who was about the same age. I didn’t have to “take care” of her and my mother never pushed the “babies-are-so-precious” mentality on me. Maybe it was those things combined or maybe it was genetic, but I have never felt the maternal instinct/urge to procreate.
Looking at babies did not arouse any kind of feelings for me. Sure, I like them in small, well-behaved doses, but I never imagined myself with one.
It is only very recently that I absolved myself of the guilt associated with not being society’s epitome of womanhood. For years, I let the comments and reprimands get to me. Now I’m in the “angry” phase.
I don’t lower my eyes and change my words anymore just because someone lectures me on how I should live my life. I try very hard to not become mean and defensive when prodded, but I do use a non-apologetic tone in the discussion because I’m *not* sorry I don’t conform.
Thanks for your blogs!
Well said, Fem. I too have recently begun to embrace the idea that I do not need to appologize nor make excuses for my lack of desire to have children. It’s a shame that women are even brought up to feel guilty for such thoughts, and unfortunately I don’t see that changing with the next few generations…
Maternal instinct? What’s that … I think I’m missing that gene.
Seriously, this is one that really bugs me along with the “you’ll change your mind”. I’ve never experienced anything close to a maternal instinct. Ever.
You say, ‘not feeling this “maternal instinct” is a large part of why I decided to be childfree’. I totally agree. A major factor in my choice is not that I don’t want kids but I don’t want kids. I have absolutely no drive, desire, want, need or instinct to produce a mini-me. It’s been like since I could articulate that thought and it will be like that until I shuffle off this mortal coil.
I totally agree, Britgirl. I had what I would call maternal longing before I had my son, but I don’t think it was an instinct or that there really is such a thing as maternal instinct. I’ve never experienced the same intense desire to have a baby since then. And, frankly, I think a lot of it was rooted in the romanticized notion of babyness.
This might seem out of place on a cf blog - I hope not - but I want to make the point that, just as not everyone should feel they must have children, parents in general should not feel that they must always love being parents and/or that they can’t be honest about how they really feel. It’s the great unspoken shared secret that lots of us find being parents very hard, and lots of us hate it at times. (I’ve gotten beat up for saying that, and then the person who beats me up admits to feeling the same way!) I’m not even going to add the disclaimer about “of course I love my child,” because that’s not the point. The point is that it’s bloody hard work and no one should ever do it unless they really want to, and even then, no one should feel they can’t say “I hate this” when they hate it. I am able to be a better parent and to enjoy my kid a lot more when I can be honest about the tough stuff. And also, I’m a lot saner that way.
Finally - I hate the notion that parents can’t have their own lives, that we have to be totally subsumed by our children. Makes no sense to me.
I kinda suspect that if parents WERE honest, there’d be less tension between childed and childfree…
(Obviously, Britgirl, I’m finding your blog very provocative!!)
Well said Fem and welcome!
I agree with both yourself and Carisa on the guilt issue good on you both for refusing to feel guilty anymore. It is indeed a shame that in an era where women go into space and can command multimillion $$ salaries, they are still censured and queried for not feeling a maternal instinct, simply because everyone seems to have bought the myth. Mothers need to be giving their daughters a differerent message so they can fight back. But like Carisa, I feel we have a long way to go yet. I believe more women need to hear messages like ours.
@Rhea - LOL - well said. I can’t really add any more to that :-). I feel exactly the same, only in years past, (before I knew what I now know) I actually wondered when it would appear… can’t believer I even spent time thinking about it - it was never going to appear!
@plainsfem - enjoy
We won’t bite (heh heh). Thank you for sharing this. In fact, you are probably one of those very rare parents who actually tell it like it is, far from being out of place it’s something that I wish we heard more often. I am fortunate to have friends who are parents who actually have said this to me as well. But it’s certainly not the norm.
You’re right about that “great unspoken secret” - the vast majority of parents never ever say how hard being a parent is, only that it’s wonderful (and we should get on board because we’re missing the greatest thing ever…) everyone pretends it’s the only thing that matters. Meanwhile, I - and most childfree people - would have to be blind and stupid not to see that it is very hard work and that it’s not a bed of roses.
“I kinda suspect that if parents WERE honest, there’d be less tension between childed and childfree…”
Exactly.
see i blame the latest version of feminists, first there was the equalist feminists, wanting equality, which is a great goal, then came the anti men feminists, all men are rapists they are defective women etc. now comes the i can have it all feminists. they want to be parents, they want to show how successful they are, that they and only they are entitled to this or that, some call them entitlemoo’s,. they want it all, great jobs, great families (most dont mention men)..
the idea that cf women are somehow letting the side down is very pervasive in modern i can have it all feminists.. i see this as i am a male, i am for mens rights, (when it goes too far into unequal laws also for womens rights so long as they dont turn all men into rapists etc.)..
the have it all feminists, want all the money for their kids, and work, and expect others to look after their kids (kids to them are status) and most are single mothers.. people who follow this entitlement attitude hates anyone who says “you know you dont have to have a kid to be a success, you dont have to earn millions a year” they resent the idea that other people dont have to do all they do and be a success (success is a personal decision) but they think if you dont have kids, dont have a million dollar job, then you are somehow less than they are.
this is my opinion
I have to agree, I never felt much of a maternal instinct.
I want to say a hearty welcome to plainsfeminist, and that I totally agree with her comment that if parents were more honest there would be less tension between the childed and childfree. I find it a real shame that most parents are afraid to admit that they don’t enjoy their children 24/7, or find being a parent difficult and challenging. Having to always be up about being a parent must be incredibly stressful. I think it’s one of the toughest thing to do, which is why I don’t want to do it!
Susan Jeffers in her book “I’m Okay, You’re a Brat” addresses this issue of the conspiracy of silence about the negatives of parenting and calls for being honest and admitting to have it’s hard. Her message is just because you tell the true about how tough it is doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids. I believe that and I think that if parents stopped trying to pretend everything was always perfect and happy, it could take some of that pressure off themselves. Without that pressure to be perfect, both parents and childfree alike could relax and find that we probably have more in common that we think. We all just want to live our lives and be happy.
I certainly know I don’t have a maternal instinct for humans. When I see baby humans, I feel nothing, except maybe ‘get that thing away from me’. I don’t see how some ppl just melt when they see babies, or how they think they are all cute. I think they are all ugly, and look like aliens. Seeing a kitten, puppy, or baby lizard, however, DOES make me melt. I also knew from a very young age that I am CF, even before I could articulate it. My father remembers me at 6 saying I would never breed. Therefore, I also have no bio-clock. I feel NO desire, want, or anything else to breed at all.
My mother also had no maternal instinct, hated me from the moment of conception, and was very neglectful and abusive. These ppl that try to convince everyone that a ‘maternal instinct’ is normal, or will kick in after birth, are actually doing a disservice, and ruining lives. They ruin the lives of the weaker ones who don’t have the instinct, but succumb to the pressure, and the ruin the lives of the children born to these ppl. These children often end up abused, neglected, or worse. The thing that makes me the MOST angry about these ppl is that they forget to care about the child after it is born, they move on to pressuring the next woman.
You are right how lots of ppl only think ‘baby’, and not of the child growing. Most ppl I see that want to breed, say they want a baby. I think if ppl really want to breed, they should be able to say, ‘I want a TEENAGER.’ So that way, they would understand breeding is a life-long thing, and involves many stages. They don’t think of raising a human being, but of having a baby to fuss over and show off.
We who do lack maternal instincts need to stand strong against the pressure. I personally don’t care if I am a ‘Real Woman’ wotever that means. I am me, and Iove my life how I, and my fiancé wishes.
I don’t bother with feminist propoganda, and do not care to have it all, and race with these ppl running themselves only into the ground. The sad thing is that they try to take everyone else into the ground with them. Forget feminisim, try HUMANISM.
Man, is this a timely post.
One of my professional friends is leaving for a whirlwind tour of London and Paris this weekend. Saying she wants to get everything done on her list of ‘Things To Do Before She Has A Baby”. That in itself is so sad, the underlying theme that parenthood will be a time of no more fun and no more last minute trips and unabashed freedom.
The only instinct I’ve ever had was for a puppy! Have had two dogs in my life and it was great. Lost my last dog in my divorce and ever since then, no more longings. As far as maternal feelings for a human child, never!
As the oldest of 5 and a Catholic, it was drummed into me from day one that I was responsible for taking care of my younger brothers and sisters and one day I WOULD GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS ASAP.
I fought it every step of the way. REFUSED to change my siblings diapers. I just said no from age 5 on and stood my ground. Age 8 told my mom I was never having kids. Of course she said I would change my mind. Never did, which caused her and my Dad all sorts of self-imposed grief. They were so kid-centric they just couldn’t see things any other way. And I was so child-free centric neither could I.
I am the only child in my family that did not have kids. Something I haven’t regretted for one second.
I really wish society would lay off on all the ’supposed to feel maternal crap’, cause that’s all it really is…just plain crap. And it disgust me that we, who have made wise and well-thought out rational decisions have been spurned in favor of those that breed ‘because a baby will complete me’ or ‘it was the natural thing to do’ or ‘every woman should have a baby’.
Excellent topic as always Britgirl…and obviously one that strikes a chord with all of us!
Wow! What great comments!
Welcome Epona E - Hear! Hear! excellent point that not only do the perpetrators of this myth ruin those who believe it, but also the children of those women - because of course they indoctrinate others.
@mercurior - very interesting you make that point because I was thinking, in all of this that somewhere feminists - and of course good to hear the men’s perspective. This point is definitely worth tacking in another article :). Oh, and you mentioned that all important deception that we’ve all been sold… that other myth - that “women can have it all”… All evidence points to the contrary.
@RMS - great points as usual!
@Kath - thanks! Most especially for sharing your story… You really did have to fight for your beliefs. A reminder of how hard other people make it for us. And all for a bunch of crap.
Have to add, these comments were so inspiring that I just sat reading them for ages. If I wasn’t already happy to be childfree I damn well would be now
please come and join us - everything you say is so fantastic xxx
Jo, I would be honoured! I’m going to register. I’ve just checked out Kidding Aside and I’m very impressed.
I think readers here will also be interested in many of your great posts and topics so I hope to highlight and link tosome of them here… that is if you have no objections!
And thanks so much for your compliment!
I never had the maternal instinct either. I’m 17 so right now i’m too young to be having babies anyways. (I hate the word babies it makes me want to throw up) Right now my sister is getting married and everyone keeps asking me when I’ll get married and have kids. I don’t want to tell people never because I don’t want the whole lecture about how I’ll change my mind so I shrug. People seem satisfied with that for now…. Then they tell me not to have kids too early and make sure to live a full life before I start. But then someone told me to have kids early that way they leave early and you can travel and do stuff when you’re still fairly young. I say I should get the best of both worlds and never have kids. I should live a full life my whole life thank you very much! They strain you financially, they take away your freedom, give you something extra to worry about, they take up your time and energy. NO THANK YOU! Plus they’re ugly. hehe! No babies are cute. I don’t even care if its your baby. It’s ugly. I was ugly as a baby, and so were you.
I would hate to contribute to overpopulation. Our world can’t even feed all it’s people now. There’s starving people in case you didn’t know. Shame on you for reproducing for your own selfish needs. Especially if you have over 3 kids. Shame on you!
Zinnia - your comment shows more maturity than some of those who are supposedly “grown up” and advising you to have kids. Isn’t it funny that people are advising you to have the kids early so you can get shot of them and then live your life? Trouble is, you’ve then spent the best years of your life (and all your money) on kids, with nothing for yourself.
You’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you… and it looks like you’ll have no problem. Good for you!
Thank you Brtigirl.
I was expecting more critisism than anything. It’s nice to see someone agree with me. Thank you.
Wow! Am I glad I found this article!! I’ve been searching all over the internet trying to find out if it was normal for women to not want children. I’ve been assuming what I was told… that every female creature on this earth has the urge to mother, and something’s wrong with me if I don’t want to. I’ve started seeing videos about that on the internet, and shows on animal planet. There was one dog who had puppies and didn’t want them, so a cat took them on and nursed them. Other stories were about the mother giving birth and abandoning their baby. Sometimes members of the pack would take care of it, and if they didn’t want to, the baby would die.
I’m 22 years old and newly married. I’m still getting the “when are you going to have kids??” question. Its just assumed that I must have a child, raise it, bring in money, have a statisfied husband, and still look gorgeous all at the same time.
I’ve never wanted a child! Even when I was 4 years old, people would give me dolls as presents, and I refused to play with them! I would throw a fit, say they were stupid, and I didn’t want it. The idea of playing pretend with a minature human who was not that much younger than me didn’t please me. All I wanted was my glow worm, stuffed animals, and my little ponies. I even said then I would only have a child if God forced me too.
In my dating life, if a guy said he wanted kids I wouldn’t date him. In fact I’ve dumped a couple because they wanted a family. One of the reasons I married my husband was because he never wanted kids. We did have a scare where we thought I was pregnant, and then we were like… okay maybe it won’t be SO bad. He wanted to “teach” it things, and I just wanted to learn who God created this little person to be. Still, deep down, I was forcing myself to think I want it. It was just a copout from doing what I really wanted to do with my life. It would make things easier on everyone but me. I just can’t do it. My mother doesn’t have a motherly instinct, hence why she was so abusive. Now that I’m older and married we have a friendship thing starting to develop.
My husband and I have this attitude, that maybe oneday down the line we’ll suddenly develop motherly and fatherly instincts. I really just don’t see it happening! I refused to play with dolls, and I absolutely loathed barbies! All I wanted was barbies horse! Oh, and her pink convertable ; )
My husband and I have told people before we don’t want kids. They were literally horrified. We now say “We’re waiting..”. My husband laughs and says it really means “We’re waiting… for a time that won’t ever come!” haha!
theres nothing wrong with you ashley, even men persuade themselves they want children, like you, and i sincerely believe a lot of parents today dont want kids but they fall for the “happy clappy” time.
some animals eat their own young, when it is obvious that they are wrong or the resources arent there, unfortunatly these animals dont have the option of birth control. but we as humans do. yet we are supposed to “nurture” the child.
I am a senior citizen (67 years old) who has been trying to find websites regarding the lack of maternal instincts in women. I married at age 20 because in my day getting married and having children was expected. I had four children (all adults today). I don’t think I ever had the maternalinstinct. I had one child that I really didn’t believe was mine because Ihad no feelings for her whatsoever. The others I loved, but did not enjoy the mother role at all and often wished I could be relieved of child caring. Of course, I have paid a price for this since I am not close with any of my children today. However, this really doesn’t bother me. I firmly believe that some women just don’t have a maternal instinct and, in fact, that this terminology shoudl be eliminated. Some men are maternal and some women are not. I don’t believe it is a gender thing. If anybody knows of any other websites on this subject, I would love to hear of them.
Jane… it is so comforting for Mothers of your generation who did not have the option to be childfree to validate that even with having children, sometimes the maternal instinct is just not there. This message is one that rarely gets out since so many women are afraid to admit they are lacking the “mothering gene;” fearing exposure that there is something wrong with them or they are bad people. The backlash against childfree women who express not being maternal is harsh, I can only imagine the criticism a mother gets for communicating the same message. You are brave for coming out and telling us your history. Thank you.
Ashley… for people who express horror at our decision to be childfree, we’ve begun telling them we can’t have children because we are allergic. Works for not having cats too….
Jane - thanks for sharing this. I am sure many childfree and childed alike will find it heartening. If only more parents were as honest as you are perhaps women who do not have any maternal instinct would have the courage not to have children when they know that deep down it isn’t the path they should be taking because the maternal feeling simply isn’t there.
But as Explosive says, men and women are sold the opposite message, and sadly many buy into it. Some even have children to “prove” they must have it.
I too believe the term “maternal instinct” should be eliminated, it’s unhelpful and only serves to maintain the status quo of “women aren’t really “real women” unless they have children.
Thanks again for sharing.
Ashley - You just stick to what you want and what you feel is right for you. I like the “allergic” thing though. They’ll have a job figuring that out.
Jane…
i feel terrible for you and the child you didn’t like. It must have been awful for you thinking there was something wrong with you for not loving your child. It must have been awful for her not having a mothers love.
How terrible you wasted all those years doing something you didn’t enjoy. You are my heroine. I wish you the best.
Jane, I admire your courage and honesty. For centuries, the myth that all women have maternal instinct has been used to keep women down.
How sad that you had to endure all those years doing something you didn’t want to do. I wish you happiness in the future.
Don’t be sorry, Ashley, nothing to be sorry for. Thanks for sharing this very interesting comment.
All of us have a certain amount of energy, How we distribute this energy determines how fulfilling we feel our life is. From observation there is somewhat of a loss of indentity with having kids. This loss of autonomy is a sign that this area takes up most of our energy. I have no desire to have MY OWN children. Some people tell me that it is selfish to not sacrifice my interests for raising a child. I feel that the words MY OWN are not entirly unselfish. There are many starving children. I do not feel like i have to add to the population and contribute to the greater economic polarity between the fortunate and unfortuante. We have moved past the point where everyone must breed to prevent human extinction.
I’m in a bit of a quandry. I’m 35 have been married for 3 years and my husband would like to start a family. I am showing no signs of wanting children. If I see a baby I don’t get broody and I am afraid if I do get pregnant and have a child I will realise it’s not what I want but it will be too late by then.
I did feel broody in my 20’s and definately felt the feelings of wanting a child but I haven’t got those feelings now. Am I just older and set in my ways?
Missy, I don’t think you’re “older and set in your ways.” There could be any number of reasons why you don’t desire to have children. Or it could simply be that you just don’t want them.
I suggest you talk openly and frankly with your husband and have him examine why he wants children and if he understands what is involved with having children. If you simply do not want children, and he does, it may be time for a very hard discussion. Just don’t give in to what you don’t want, and don’t try to force your husband into what he doesn’t want either. That will only result in resentment.
Good luck to you.
Like others who have commented, I too was searching for some reassurance when I found this post. I have spent a lot of time stressing over the feeling that my lack of maternal instinct is somehow unnatural, or that I’m “defective” in some way because I’ve never had those drives. I have found the comments here very helpful and interesting.
It’s such a relief to read that other little girls besides me were uninterested in babies! I was raised in a Christian home and attended a church where children were greatly loved and valued. Once we were old enough, all the little girls near my age started longing (even competing) for the opportunity to babysit in the church nursery during services. The job of helping with the infants was an especially coveted one. Not for me! I had no interest in babies whatsoever and preferred to be in children’s church or in the adult service, soaking up beloved songs and stories from the Bible. After church, when the girls took turns cooing over the babies and smaller children, I preferred to be outside running around, chasing bugs, and climbing on the dirt pile with the boys. It simply never occurred to me to want to spend time with babies.
As I got older, I realized that these feelings weren’t changing. I didn’t dream of having children of my own, and I still didn’t have any interest in babies. In fact, babies and all their “stuff” (lotions, powders, bottles, pacifiers, strollers, nosy toys, etc.) bother me in a way I can’t quite define. I have no idea where these negative associations came from, but they’ve been with me for as long as I can remember, and I have always felt “abnormal” because of them.
Somewhere along the way my distaste for baby-related things developed into an actual fear of having children. I feared ending up in a 24/7 job taking care of a baby when I’m so uncomfortable with babies. What on earth would I do??? And what would the consequences be for the baby?
Even when I was in high school, not dating seriously, and in no danger of getting pregnant, the thought of possibly having a child someday filled me with anxiety. I can remember talking with a boyfriend about this and ending up in tears when he confidently said, “You’ll change your mind about it.” He couldn’t understand where I was coming from and assumed my feelings would change.
(I have to add that I don’t dislike children. I enjoy being around them from time to time and even do well with teenagers. Still, I have absolutely no desire to have children of my own.)
When (at age 20) I met my husband, we talked about our goals in life and I mentioned that I’d never been able to picture myself as a wife and mother. Of course, I thought the two automatically went together, as that was the example I’d been raised with. But as I fell in love with this wonderful man, I realized I wanted to be married to him, though I still wasn’t sure I wanted kids. We went into our marriage with the understanding that we might never have children. Though he’d wanted kids in the past, God had never brought the right woman into his life, so he had never married. Now that he was in his late 30s, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to start the long process of raising a family. He was open to the idea if I changed my mind, but OK with it if I didn’t.
I became ill around the time of our wedding, and for 8 years I struggled with chronic health issues. Surviving from day to day was often difficult, and because of that, I had an even greater fear of having children. There was no way I could’ve taken care of a child under those conditions, so it was natural that I wouldn’t have any maternal drives during that time. It was a relief when my doctors advised against pregnancy until I got better; this gave me a convenient excuse to use when I was asked why we didn’t have kids yet.
Thanks to God, I’m now doing much better health-wise and can live, in most respects, as a normal person. I thought that perhaps, once I got over being sick, the maternal instincts would finally kick in and I’d want to have my husband’s babies. But to this day, after 10 years of marriage to man I love with all my being, I still have no desire for children. I’m in my early 30s and my husband is in his late 40s, so you’d think the biological clock would be ticking … but no.
I struggle with this issue quite a lot, mainly because of the societal message that it’s somehow “unnatural” for a woman to not want children. I wonder what’s wrong with me. I wonder why I fear the 24/7 job of parenting so much, when others around me seem to think it’s the best, most fulfilling job in the world.
Then there’s the whole constellation of pressures on Christians who aren’t sure they want children. I’m sure some Christians I know would think I’m rebelling against God by avoiding pregnancy. They might even suggest that I only want to live life for myself, of that I’m avoiding responsibility. But as far as I’m able to understand my own heart, that isn’t the case at all. The truth is that I love God and want to honor Him with my life. In fact, I’ve prayed that if God wants me to have children for some reason, He will change my heart and cause me to desire them and raise them joyfully for Him. I’ve prayed that prayer in all sincerity, perfectly willing for God to change me, because I believe He knows me better than I know myself, and therefore knows what would make me happiest. But so far, there hasn’t been a change in my desires.
This past year, when I was at my annual GYN appointment, I mistakenly told the nurse the wrong date of my last period. She assumed I was a couple of weeks late (which I later figured out I was not) and wanted to do a pregnancy test. I agreed to the test and then had to lay down on the floor of the exam room to keep from passing out. I was shocked to find that, in spite of my earnest prayers that God would open my heart to children if He wanted me to have them, I was still so set against the idea that I was actually having a panic attack at the suggestion I might be pregnant! If there is a maternal instinct and a desire to have children, I obviously DO NOT have it.
Hmm … I think I’ve rambled much too long about this. I’m not sure exactly where I’m going, except to say I’m relieved that others have had some of the same feelings I’ve had. It makes me feel like I’m not so strange after all, and that perhaps this lack of interest in having children is part of how God designed me. If I had wanted kids during all those years I was sick, it would’ve been really hard … and if I wanted kids now, it would be hard on my husband (who’s getting close to 50). Perhaps God has a plan for my husband and I that doesn’t involve kids. I’m still trying to find peace with this and put this matter more to rest in my mind and spirit. Thanks to all those who have shared their feelings so honestly … it has been helpful.
I’m 31, my BF is 42. I feel more and more CF, as my mother puts more and more pressure on me to breed. I have a sister who’ll turn 40 in a couple of months and she and her husband are childless so it looks like I’m the only hope of the family, OMG *rolls eyes*
To me, babies are not cute, kids are annoying most of the time, and don’t even get me started on teenagers or that new category, the “pre-teens” Urgh. I’m also as “green” as I can and having a child would force me to be in contradiction with many things and ways of life I believe in.
I had an abortion when I was 21 (condoms are not safe enough, people!) and at the beginning the memory hurt but now I’m really glad I had it.
Anyway… a couple of weeks ago I was out to dinner with 3 male colleagues, and at some time they asked me if I still didn’t want to have kids. So here’s the picture: one is a total family guy… but right now his wife is running off with another man and their two toddlers are the least of her worries. The second one has a teenage daughter, and his ex-wife also ran away leaving him with the kid 10 years ago. (Oooh, the strength of maternal instinct!) The third one is happily married to a woman who (in my view) threw away her University degree and possible career to be a SAHM. Oh, and another colleague should have been there too but he became a father some weeks ago and he sent an email excusing himself, he had to go home to help “Jonathan’s mother”. I thought that was a weird way of talking about his WIFE (and comapnion of more than 20 years now).
So when they asked me if I still didn’t want to have kids, I just said “no” but think of all the possibly hurtful things I could have said using their oh so marvelous childed lives. Then the happily married one said that my biological clock is going to start tickling in about 4 years… *more eye rolling*.
But, they finally did agree that having no kids was better than having them and not taking good care of them. I wonder if my point would have been made that easily if I had been with 3 moms…?
“I wonder if my point would have been made that easily if I had been with 3 moms…?”
I highly doubt it. Thanks for sharing.
Relieved… you’re not strange. But you do have to ignore the societal messages and have confidence in yourself and what feels right for you. I respect that you feel that God is doing the planning/may have a plan etc, but I’ve always found that God usually expects us to take responsibility for our own thinking and our own decisions. If you don’t want children, you don’t want children. Society spins us the story that life without children isn’t complete… it’s untrue.
I’m aware of the extra special pressures brought to bear on Christians…it does make it harder. But it makes it imperative that they honour their feelings about not wanting children if they don’t want to have them. Finding like minded people is a first step… if all you hear are those who subscribe to the “everyone must have children” mantra, life will be very difficult.
Anyway, if you read through the various posts on this blog, you’re sure to find we’ve talked on almost every issue when it comes to being and living as a childfree person.
I just realized that I never gave my own response to this post.
I’ve never felt maternal. I wince when vet technicials tell my cats to “go to mama.” People try to hand me a baby and I reflexively take a step back without realizing what I did. As a little girl, people who say my dolls were my babies and I would say, “No they’re not. I don’t want babies!” Even when a cousin and I were playing with our dolls one time, she wanted to “breast feed” her “baby.” I tried, but it felt so darn weird. I just stopped and said, “I can’t do this.” (I was younger than 10.) Even my Barbie was never married nor had kids while the Barbie dolls of all my friends on the street were relageted to being stuck at home with the babies and their “Kens” were off at work. And even then, the foreshadowing of my life was evident: my Barbie wasn’t with the other Barbies since I had insisted she didn’t have kids.
At one point as a young girl I assumed I’d have kids because, well, that’s what you do after you grow up and get married. I hated the thought. I had an eye opening moment at 19 (i’ve shared elsewhere on this blog) that helped me to confirm that I will NOT have children, no matter what. Nor will I even be a step parent. I never played “mommy.” I played entrepreneur (sp? and you’d think I’d own my own business by now. :P)
Anyway, I don’t believe that the maternal instinct is something that every woman has or quite simply born with. I know I didn’t get it. I was in line for the “techie girl” module rather than the “mommy module”.
I also don’t think I was born with a maternal instinct. Now I WORK with kids but I can literally count on my fingers the number of times I’ve thought of having my own and I CANNOT count the number of times I’ve thought HELL NO! In fact, working with kids made me more childfree than ever!
My mother said when I was little I never used to play with or ask for baby dolls. My friends had them and I could never see the attraction. I liked Barbie dolls and dolls houses though. My mother also said I never really chose to spend time with younger children or babies as a kid either. When I was about 10 I think my brother and I hang out with a client of dad’s kid and my brother said he couldn’t wait to have kids and I just looked at him like he was an alien thinking HUH?! and waiting for the feeling to kick in. Later at 21 a boyfriend joked about making our OWN kindergarten. I was in love with him but the thought of having a gazillion babies made me feel sick!
Teenagers? NO THANKS! That would be the worst part for me!
Babies? It depends. I like them sometimes but when they screech it is annoying!
I DON’T want to be a PARENT, a mother. EVER. NO THANK YOU!
I think they left my biological clock in the workshop when they made me.
Dated some baby mad guys before too so I think some GUYS have baby rabies. Fortunately mine does not.
I’m a latin female, and just latin people can understan how much pressure society puts over women to have babies by 30 years old.
I studied with nuns and priest until I got 23 years and they put a lot of rubish in people’s brain especially regardind not having sex before gettin married and even, only sex to have babies, but I just believed in that until I enter to the university and had the opportunity to meet people with different thougths.
I grew up thinking “right, I will have my first baby in 2000, when I get 26 years old” and when that time arrived I realized “Why? I don’t want to have a baby, I’m quite happy childfree” but some of my friends started to set up their own families or just having babies by accident. By then I was working in a multinational company and I travelled trough southamerica and US and I discovered a new wold and my idea of not having babies got strong.
In 2003 I had a Mexican boyfriend who lives in Miami, he is very family orientated and I loved him so much, but we have different expectations, he wants to have babies and wanted me quit working to bread the babies for at least 3 year as all females in his family do, and OMG I could not throw my nice life away, life of sucess, travels, parties, many friends, gym, clothes and freedom just because he wanted babies. After a serious talk about it, I ended the relationship, that fact was the biggest confirmation, as what Britgirl wrote, “I have absolutely no drive, desire, want, need or instinct to produce a mini-me.”
Now, I’m living in London, finnishing an MBA, this is one of my dreams and I’m doing it, I’m quite sure if I had have a baby I was not doing this, because a baby reduce drastically your possibilities of moving abroad or continue your studies, I know, some mothers do, but I don’t want to have a baby if I don’t have time to share with him/her.
I can say I feel much more released here in the UK, people in my country still pushing me to have a mini-me, and sadness, my mum says “A baby gives you reasons to live”, “What would you do when you get older and nobody takes care of you?”. I’m agree with Britgirl, that is not Mathernal Instinct, that is only a selfish position of wanted to be needed.
I’m quite happy childfree I’m not feeling pressure here in the UK to have a baby and my british boyfriend does not want them neither which is cool. Back my country I’m “an evil, anti-nature female” to some males, If women were only here to make babies….wtf are MEN here for? to poop and eat? LIKE a baby?
Smetimes I think they just envy my freedom and my wonderful life, that they are frustrated people that complains about their situation. One of my friends is terrible boring in her job but she can’t quit because have 2 babies to bread. Other one, was left by her husband with a little baby girl and she is struggling with her job and the baby, now she could not make the postgraduate that she wanted, she does not have time, a couple more are getting divorce with kids etc etc. But why the hell they still pushing me to have babies with the excuse that they are the ultimate end in my existence?
In a world with 7 billion human inhabitants not wanting children is a virtue!!.
Thanks Lily for sharing your story here. Good for you for standing firm - it isn’t easy. And when people are living miserable lives, they like nothing more than to have others join them in their misery.
Thank you ladies! As others have said, I am so happy to have found this post.
I am 34, married 10 years, with absolutely no desire to have kids. I like kids once they’re 5 and older, but not babies. I can’t stand the smell of baby products either.
My problem is my husband wants kids. He said it’s totally up to me though. I don’t feel pressure but I do have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind. Even talking about kids with him makes me have symptoms of anxiety. Unfortunately, I have such a deep affection for him that I feel bad about not giving him the opportunity to be a dad.
I wish I could find others in my area who were like that. I live in a neighborhood of stay-at-home moms and I feel like an outcast. The ladies are all nice and friendly, but I just don’t belong to the club. Also, it is hard to meet people in my age group if you don’t have kids because they are consumed by kid-life. It is very isolating.
Perhaps desire or lack of desire for children is hardwired, the way sexual orientation seems to be. I never wanted children and was always aware that I didn’t want them. I think it’s rather like many gay people always knowing that they were gay.
One of the most wonderful moments of my life occurred when I was 12 years old, when I suddenly realized that I didn’t HAVE To have children. I felt such a weight was lifted from me. No other experience in my life has been as joyous and as liberating. Forty years later I can say truthfully that I have never once regretted being childfree.
What bothers me is that I can accept that many women, perhaps most, genuinely want to have children, and I do not judge them for having those feelings. It is unfortunate that almost none of those women is capable of extending to me that same courtesy.
I am a child free 44 y/o woman. I DO LIKE CHILDREN, and have worked with them for a long time. I simply never felt the urge to have my own. I like the idea that when my workday is over, i can go home to a child free environment, and engage in adult pursuits. I have never felt particularly maternal as a child, i never played with dolls, and was always a tomboy, more interested in climbing trees, riding motorbikes, swimming in the river, kayaking, than playing “little mum”.
I have a partner who also doesn’t want children, so there isn’t much pressure. My mother is very supportive of my choice, she always resented getting pregnant young and never realising any of her dreams because “children always had to come first”. She sacrificed herself to raise two children without my father’s help (too busy working to care about his stressed out wife) and she admires me for not falling into that trap.
Hi!
Britgirl, I really like your website. I am in my 20’s and also don’t have any desire to ever have children. I am really happy there are so many websites and people out there that feel the same way, because I was getting all the usual comments (especially from my family) about not wanting kids and felt kind of attacked.
Luckily my boyfriend also has no desire to ever have children. We plan on getting married soon, and his mother already started making not-so-subtle comments about wanting and expecting grandchildren. It’s never going to happen, but my bf and I decided not to discuss our decision with our families because we don’t want the conflict and pressure…
I am also located in Toronto, and am seriously considering getting an operation that will both stop my period and prevent any chance of pregnancy. Can someone recommend a good, understanding, female gynecologist that is doing operations like that in Toronto?
Thanks for listening!