The Maternal Instinct – The Greatest Myth of All?
Britgirl | January 30, 2007 | 6:00 amI’ve always had my doubts about the maternal instinct. I used to hear about it quite frequently – in fact I still do. We’re are told all real women have it.
We are told that its “natural” for women to want babies and this view is still, in my opinion, widely held. The implication is that a childfree woman is “unnatural”. Many childfree women have been accused of not fulfilling their “natural” role – supposedly to produce and nurture children.
As far as the maternal instinct is concerned there have been many theories about whether or not it exists. Personally, I think it’s hard to either prove or disprove it, and as a childfree woman I don’t really care if it does exist. At least, not now.
For years, I thought that I should be feeling this “maternal instinct” that everyone talked about and said I was supposed to have. Well, I didn’t. I did wonder when this “instinct” would kick in – (supposedly like some kind of switch triggered by an equally absent biological clock suddenly and uncontrollably overriding my developing decision not to have children) – but I am glad that I didn’t waste too much time fretting about it. It remained remarkably absent. So clearly I don’t have this instinct, and, since I’m happily childfree, was probably never meant to either.
Not feeling this “maternal instinct” is a large part of why I decided to be childfree. And I am more and more convinced that the maternal instinct is little more than a myth concocted by society to compel women to reproduce. Couple that with the fact that many women want to be needed, want something of their own and want something to be dependent on them… and what better than a baby? Note that thoughts stop at baby, and don’t tend to venture into the realities of raising a teenager whose only mission in life is seemingly to hate you and deride everything you hold dear.
But is this “wanting to be needed” what’s being confused with a maternal instinct?
Then there are today’s realities. For this maternal instinct (or rather because of it) you sacrifice your life – your career, your freedom, your chance of providing for your old age, your choices (because you’re busy giving your all for your kids, so your choices rapidly diminish) even your relationship. And if your husband ups and leaves you, make no mistake – you are on your own, except for the dependents you now have. No one is going to help you.
And yet there are women who just seem to merge with their babies. They seem to know exactly what to do. They know they want children, and they have them and that, for them, is fulfilment. I have no problem if that’s their choice. The problem is, this is then represented as the norm for ALL women. No, for EVERY woman.
That’s wrong. Because if a woman is not showing signs of this maternal instinct she is castigated, and made to feel inadequate. She is also seen as not being a “Real Woman” for a “Real Woman” would never question having babies or, for that matter, that she had the maternal instinct. She is informed that the maternal instinct is there…. she just needs to have a baby for it to kick in. Then she’ll realize her calling.
Riight. Great advice.
No surprise that this thinking leaves no room for considering the childfree choice. A pity, because that would probably free up a lot of women who feel guilty simply because they don’t have what society says they ought to have, in doses large enough to subsume every other thought of self. But, at the end of the day, women have to be responsible for freeing themselves from such useless guilt.
I don’t believe that the maternal instinct (if it does exist) is a universal trait. I think some women have it (by conditioning or otherwise) and many quite patently don’t. I liken it to a character trait. Or maybe this is simply an instinct that exists to take care of small and helpless babies, in which case it’s not limited to women.
Perhaps what passes for maternal instinct are merely “symptoms” of maternal instinct that people look for.
None of which are by any means universal.
This is my view. What’s yours?
Angela, I nearly cried reading your story. I once thought I was pregnant. I went catatonic for a couple of days. Fortunately I wasn’t. And I wasn’t about to tell my then boyfriend because I didn’t want anyone to interfere with me getting any abortion. That may sound selfish, but I would have been the brood-mare. My body, my decision, etc.
You did THE SMARTEST and, believe it or not, most LOVING thing an ADULT could ever do for a baby. You knew you could not be there for it in a proper way and you gave him over to a set of parents who could give him the best life possible. Please, I hope you feel that in your heart.
As for your ex, I feel it is exactly what og217 said. He had this fantasy life built up around his in his head without any basis of what reality is. And, unfortunately, he is like any other wanna-be breeder schmuck who thinks that all women have some “natural” instinct to breed – or believe the myth that all a woman has to do is see their child and fall in love.
What happens is there is this hormone, oxytonin I believe, that gets released by the mother. I’ve read this is nature’s way of preventing mothers from actually strangling their newborns out of frustration. It’s a chemical reaction. So yes, it can be very real.
However, for some of us CF women, and you’re proof, whether that hormone gets released or not, I can’t say for sure, there is proof that there are SOME women who simply do not want children. Period. Not even after having given birth to one.
You are a very very brave woman, Anglea. Very brave. I’m glad that you ultimately referred to him as your “ex” because he doesn’t deserve you. And, IMO, he’s trying to release all of his anger and frustration out on YOU by trying to give you guilty feelings. Now, I’ve never been in your situation. So I can’t say what I would do, but I just wanted to post, HOPING that you come back to read follow up comments and to let you know that you are very brave, mature, and HONEST. You committed one of the most adult and loving acts by keeping the child’s best interest at heart in your decision to give him up.
HUGE hugs from me to you!
Angela – I think your courage speaks volumes. Not simply what you went through but also sharing your story here. You are certainly NOT alone in not having the mythical “maternal instinct.” I believe fewer women have it than we are led to believe, however many ignore that fact and have children because not only is it the “done thing” it takes guts not to follow the crowd.
Glad this blog has been of some help and hopefully your story will prevent others going through what you did.
Angela, you are amazing, and you did the best thing you possibly could. Every child deserves to be wanted and to live with a loving family, you provided your child with that. And your ex is vile. He pretended to listen to you but never gave your feelings due credence or consideration, rejected the opportunity you gave him to raise the child himself, and now has the temerity to criticise you for the decision you had to make in the best interests of all.
In short, he’s a selfish idiot. The maternal instinct isn’t universal, otherwise the myth wouldn’t need to be buttressed at every available opportunity. I hope you find some peace and happiness in the future.
Angela, I just wanted to add my two cents – what you did was so brave and selfless. You knew you couldn’t be the type of mother the child deserves, and refused to let your ex guilt trip you into making what you knew would be a mistake.
What an appallingly selfish asshole your ex is.
Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the very best for the future.
hi everyone, I just came across this site and am over the moon to find I’m not alone in having no maternal feelings! Apologies if this is an old thread I’m replying to but after reading all your experiences I felt compelled to say how I fully understand and say how nice it is that others have felt the same
angela- your story was fascinatingand you did absolutely the right thing for yourself and the child. It fills me with rage to hear about children suffering simply because their family were too weak to decide they wernt going to jump on the ‘ I want a baby’ bandwagon and not have them in the first place, or then not realise that the right thing to dofor that child would be to find it a loving new home that will care for it.
ok so a bit about me, I’m 24, have been married for 3.5 years and with my hubby in total for 7 years. I am an only child, he has 2 brothers and a sister, all whom have children. Like many of you, I’ve never wanted a child. I didn’t play with dolls, felt sick at the thought of those dolls that cry and pee etc- yuck! I found the whole idea of parenthood very unappealing throughout my childhood and teenage years. Obviously I was always told “you’re only young, it will come”. It still never has! For a while, my husbands family would ask when we would be having children, when we both replied “probably never” we were told it would happen eventually and it’s different when its your own. That phrase really annoys me as who has the right to have a child just to check if the sight of it suddenly makes you maternal? What if the sight of a bawling, helpless mess fills you with absolute horror, by which time it’s too late, it’s your baby and you can’t simply hand it back to your friend or relative grateful you don’t have to change the nappy! I am not willing to gamble with a life.
My hubby is 29 and he still doesn’t want children thankfully
I am so so grateful to have him and to have found my true soul mate 
Our response to anyone who asks when we will have kids is “our relationship is very strong and we married each other because we love one another, we don’t need litle people around to prove it.”. Personally, I think a lot of women see guys as nothing more than doners and with the sole purpose of using them to get pregnant. Their relationships fail because the guy never wanted a child and they feel deceived. I know that my life is complete and I love my husband as he is, I have no cracks in my relationship that I feel the need to have a child to make up for it!
The only things I have ever felt ‘maternal’ over are animals. Dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, wild zoo animals etc
I used to think there was something physically wrong with me but after Reading all your posts I know realize we are all entitled to be who we are and not conform to the ‘norm’. Thanks all for listening to me ranting 
I enjoyed reading these comments very much because they constitute further proof that my way of thinking (and feeling), is shared by so many others. I am a woman of 43, happily married for 22 years and I have never felt the need or desire to have children. My husband has always shared the same views as I. Furthermore, we both came from families with lots of children: his parents had 6, mine had 4. And all our siblings have children of their own, except for us. This was our choice. One wonderful thing is that neither family has EVER pressured us into having children, nor have they ever given any criticism for our decision to remain child-free. We love our freedom, our independence, and the fact that we can fulfill our desire to spend time with each other, our families and friends whenever we please. Children are precious and we recognize that, but having children is not for everyone. My brother’s little ones are beautiful and we love spending time with them, but at the end of the day, they go home with their parents. And my brother and his wife are always EXHAUSTED!
I live a fulfilled life and I’ve never felt I had to apologize for not wanting to have children. Even my friends (from high-school), most of whom are mothers (their children are now teens — and believe me I do not envy them at all!), perfectly understand my decision and most of them even applaud me for my firm decision to not have children. One of them has even said to me “it is so awesome that you are so comfortable in your own skin”. Well, why not? Look, there are a lot of women who have children and who really should not have. Not everyone who is a parent is a good parent and not everyone who could be a good parent wants to become one. I am one of those in the latter category, and so is my husband; and we are both perfectly content with that.
My gran said “if you don’t want children then you’re not in love with your boyfriend”. She and I get along very well even though we rarely agree, and I laughed it off, but I also thought it was a really, really stupid thing to say!
I also second the notion about people commenting that you’d be a good mother just because you can take care of a dog or whatever. I said something about a cute kid the other day and my friend said “you’re not allowed to talk like that, you don’t want kids”. Oh please. Why do people think that if you don’t want kids it makes you inhuman and incapable of emotion, or that if you show signs of BEING capable of seeing that kids are not little demons then you are somehow claiming a stake of something you have no right too? I don’t want my own kids so I’m not allowed to enjoy other people’s either?
Unfortunately my boyfriend DOES want children. At this stage there seems to be an unspoken agreement that we will live for the moment for a little longer, until one day eventually we have to part ways in order to live the life that is right for each of us. I don’t see it being a nasty breakup but it will happen and it will be painful.
Just not as painful as having children I have never wanted.
I’m in the exact same boat as the person above.
I’m 22 and have felt for a while I wouldn’t want children. I still feel it is wrong to feel this way.
I like babies. I like toddlers…and I like to give them back. I like to sit on the bus when the BRAT on the seat behind me is kicking me in the back and screaming at the top of their lungs and know that’s something I will not have to contend with. I feel liberated to have the choice…but also feel pressure from society that a family is “the norm”
My mum would completely support my choice – however she had me at 29 and says at my age she had no desire to have children either. Whether she ever did have the desire, or just had me because its the norm, I don’t know. My parents and I are close but have no real extended family due to arguments and such. However my partner, who I have deicded is the person I would like to stay with IS from a large, happy family, and I relish the fact that I have also “adopted” them as my own.
However – he wants children and I don’t. And he has said he may consider leaving me if, when the time comes, I don’t want children and he does.
That hurts a but but I couldn’t hold him back from having a “normal” life.
It might sound sad, but all i want from life is a cat, a dog, perhaps a rat and my guinea pig!!! That makes me extremeley happy.
Hi Sheree,
That is not sad at all! I am definitely more of an animal person than a kid person. Also, I much prefer to care for orphans (even if they are just the furry, four legged kind) that already exist instead of bringing new mouths into the world to feed.
BTW, your boyfriend may be in for a surprise. I am happily married now, but I had an ex boyfriend dump me for the same reason (he wanted 5 kids). He’s definitely showed signs of regret. He attempted to get me back, but I had already moved on. Word has it that he settled for some hag who already had a kid. He never even ended up having kids with her and he has taken to smoking and heavy drinking whilst sitting on the couch all day. Now that’s sad.
Someone above posted about their (male) partner wanting kids, but never spending any time with them before. That’s what my boyfriend’s like. He assumed from the start that I would want children, because all women do after all, don’t they?? If he sees a child misbehaving he’s quicker than I am to make a “brat” comment and he has never had anything to do with children other than for a couple of hours at social events, where the mums are always in charge anyway. He has no interest in babies and a very short attention span for toddlers. I don’t think he believes that I don’t want children, but if the time comes that this becomes a big issue, at least I can point all this out to him. Whether he will understand or not is a different issue entirely…
As for the maternal instinct… Well, I have a strong nurturing instinct. I honestly feel at a loss if I have nothing to look after, even if it’s just a plant, but when I look for desire for my own child, there’s nothing there. I like children and quite enjoy being around older ones, but somehow I have just never really seen myself as a parent. I think this confuses my boyfriend – I like looking after things and I quite like children, therefore I must want my own… I just don’t like the idea of pregnancy, birth, loss of financial independent etc. etc. All things HE wouldn’t have to think about.
I have a disease that could very well compromise my fertility. I think my lack of drive to reproduce could be my body’s way of telling me – you can’t have kids anyway, so take another path. Obviously that doesn’t apply to everyone, but it has been a thought that’s crossed my mind.
On a similar subject, I didn’t realise until I was 28 / 29 years old that the concepts of a “nice, kind, warm, compassionate, responsible woman” and “deciding not to have children” are considered as mutually exclusive in the eyes of a lot of the population. I honestly assumed that having children or not was a choice that people would accept, hence the question ‘do you think you’ll have kids?’, not something on which your entire character would be judged.
I can see parenthood involves lots of sacrifices and love and that could make you humbled and see the world differently, but I’ve never equated performing a basic biological function with being a good person.
And while I’m at it, if a women’s natural role is producing and nurturing children, what’s men’s? Going to work? Blimey, that must be tough!
Like all of the other women, I too am glad that I found this site. Ironically, at the moment, I am babysitting my niece, who I love dearly and is as cute as a button. My husband and I have been married for 3, almost 4 years and have been in a relationship for almost 7. We love eachother, have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship and are quite happy. Sometimes, I’m so happy I get paranoid that something will go wrong soon because people just don’t get to be as happy as I am. I will be 28 in a few months and am hoping to begin medical school next fall. I guess most people feel that it’s “about that time” for us because we’re starting to get the “when are you guys going to have a baby” question. The thing is, I don’t really think that I want to have kids. I have never pictured myself with children. I don’t dislike them, but before my niece (who is 7 months), I had never even changed a diaper. I am not the kind of person who asks to hold children and will make myself scarce if I feel threatened..i.e. as if someone might ask or expect me to hold or do all of that foolish drooling over their kid. So, like I said before, I adore my niece..and when she was 3 months old, I decided that I wanted to babysit her for a weekend. We got her on Friday evening and by Saturday afternoon, I was done. I refused to pick her up, I was tired of the crying, the spitting up, the diaper changing, she was like a crying, drooling, wiggly sack of potatoes. I never once even attempted to put her to bed. I couldn’t. I became distant and depressed. My husband however, had the exact opposite reaction. He was great with her. This weekend, again, I found that I am only interested in her for so long…then I’m done. She’s cute, we play, then I move on. He’s head over heels in love with her. Plus, I’m jealous…as immature as that sounds. I’m used to being the only one in his life. When I imagine a life with children, I see couples who can’t shower together because one always has to be with the kid, they can’t eat together and their entire lives are dictated by the kid. I feel (and I’m not so sure if it’s selfish) that because I have worked so hard to get accepted to medical school, that I deserve to be able to spend my money as I want, be free to travel and enjoy the rewards of my sacrifice. I don’t want to have sacrificed my 20s for medical school and then once I finally get situated (house, decent salary, freedom) have to dedicate my life to raising a child. Then, there are the logistics of actually raising a child. I want to be a cardiologist…quite possibly invasive and I want to be a GREAT physician…and having a husband is already like having a kid. I firmly believe that if you’re devoting energy to one thing, then you have to neglect something else…and I refuse to just throw money at a kid. I believe wholeheartedly that having children is a blessing and refuse to do it since I feel that after giving to my husband and my work, I want whatever is left for myself. I don’t want to be one of those moms who knows she’s in over her head and cries in the shower. The problem is, how do I stress this to my hubby? We said that we didn’t want kids, but as time is passing, he is changing and I am not….and I don’t feel guilty about it. I only feel saddened that I might hurt him. Any advice?
ATLmorena – I’m in something of a similar situation: married, both of us in our early 30s and now starting to get the “so when are you going to have a baby?” questions, and me realizing that while I don’t have a problems with kids per se – love my nieces, nephews & kids of close friends – I feel no strong call to have any kids of my own. I like spending time with them, but the enjoyment I get from that is definitely affected by the fact that I know at the end of the day, I get to go home and still have my life to myself. In fact, the idea of having to voluntarily give up all the money, time & energy I firmly believe goes into raising a kid right, just leaves me cold. Due to my own experiences, I know firsthand how much work and self-sacrifice goes into caring for another person who’s almost completely dependent on you and I’ve got no inclination to go through that again. I’ve spent a lot of time, money & energy on my career, personal interests and relationship and I just don’t see the point in adding having a child to care for to all that if I’m going to end up resenting that child for making me give up the things I love, my free time, my sense of self, etc. I’ve been on the receiving end of parental resentment and I refuse to do that to any child of my own. So, very much leaning toward not wanting kids and feeling like it’s the right decision. The husband, on the other hand, is ambivalent about kids, but leans more toward wanting at least one (although he still goes back and forth). I love him and we’ve been together for a long time, so I’m hopeful that we can work things out. He’s not pressuring me, but I do feel guilty when he gets a little sad over the idea that we won’t have kids together.
Best advice I can give? First, DON’T FEEL GUILTY about how your growing desire not to have kids. It’s perfectly normal and they’re your feelings, so it’s totally fine that you don’t, in fact, feel guilty about how your feelings have changed. Second, keep the lines of communication with your husband open. Talk about what you both want for yourselves and what you envision for your future together. If you need to, see a counselor together (just make sure it’s not someone who’s going to try to convince you that you’re avoiding parenthood b/c of course being a parent is what all grown up married should want) – a good counselor can help you and your husband communicate and figure out what you both really want and hopefully you’ll be able to mutually respect each others’ choices. And third, be sure of what you want and stick to it – if you end up deciding that you’re really ok with having a kid, that’s fine and good luck to you, but don’t convince yourself that if having a kid will make him happy, maybe you can be happy having one even if it’s only for your husband’s sake. I’ve seen too many couples go down that road and while the reluctant parent usually stays and does their best to be a good parent, the marriage is irrevocably altered by resentment and loss of intimacy and a HUGE amount of regret.
Oh yeah – go through the archives here. There are some excellent and thoughtful posts here that touch upon some of the issues you’ve brought up as reasons you’re leaning toward not wanting a child of your own, and many of the people who comment on this blog are great to talk to and provide wonderful support. Good luck!