My hubby is 29 and he still doesn’t want children thankfully I am so so grateful to have him and to have found my true soul mate Our response to anyone who asks when we will have kids is “our relationship is very strong and we married each other because we love one another, we don’t need litle people around to prove it.”. Personally, I think a lot of women see guys as nothing more than doners and with the sole purpose of using them to get pregnant. Their relationships fail because the guy never wanted a child and they feel deceived. I know that my life is complete and I love my husband as he is, I have no cracks in my relationship that I feel the need to have a child to make up for it!

The only things I have ever felt ‘maternal’ over are animals. Dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, wild zoo animals etc I used to think there was something physically wrong with me but after Reading all your posts I know realize we are all entitled to be who we are and not conform to the ‘norm’. Thanks all for listening to me ranting

What an appallingly selfish asshole your ex is.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the very best for the future.

In short, he’s a selfish idiot. The maternal instinct isn’t universal, otherwise the myth wouldn’t need to be buttressed at every available opportunity. I hope you find some peace and happiness in the future.

You did THE SMARTEST and, believe it or not, most LOVING thing an ADULT could ever do for a baby. You knew you could not be there for it in a proper way and you gave him over to a set of parents who could give him the best life possible. Please, I hope you feel that in your heart.

As for your ex, I feel it is exactly what og217 said. He had this fantasy life built up around his in his head without any basis of what reality is. And, unfortunately, he is like any other wanna-be breeder schmuck who thinks that all women have some “natural” instinct to breed - or believe the myth that all a woman has to do is see their child and fall in love.

What happens is there is this hormone, oxytonin I believe, that gets released by the mother. I’ve read this is nature’s way of preventing mothers from actually strangling their newborns out of frustration. It’s a chemical reaction. So yes, it can be very real.

However, for some of us CF women, and you’re proof, whether that hormone gets released or not, I can’t say for sure, there is proof that there are SOME women who simply do not want children. Period. Not even after having given birth to one.

You are a very very brave woman, Anglea. Very brave. I’m glad that you ultimately referred to him as your “ex” because he doesn’t deserve you. And, IMO, he’s trying to release all of his anger and frustration out on YOU by trying to give you guilty feelings. Now, I’ve never been in your situation. So I can’t say what I would do, but I just wanted to post, HOPING that you come back to read follow up comments and to let you know that you are very brave, mature, and HONEST. You committed one of the most adult and loving acts by keeping the child’s best interest at heart in your decision to give him up.

HUGE hugs from me to you!

I stumbled onto this site a couple months ago when I for the first time was questioning why I didn’t have a maternal instinct. I guess you can say forever I have known and have made it known to just about everyone that I absolutely don’t want kids and even borderline “hate” them. The kid does not even have to be mine or related to me for me to wince at the very sight of them. Every time a co worker brought her baby into work I would find a way to avoid her until the thing went away because the honest truth was I didn’t even know how to respond to a baby much less be able to drool over one and that’s what all mothers want is for some sap to drool over their precious mini-me.

Needless to say I was never ashamed of my lack of desire and hostility with babies, I figured that’s how I was born, probably a product of my father’s genes because while we grew up he never showed an interest in us and I never resented him for it because I myself knew what he went through because I was exactly like him. I grew up around many cousins who were mere “children” when I was a teen and I hated family holidays solely because I know my grandmother’s house would be packed with screaming out of control brats and I wanted no part. I went through the phase where girls played with dolls and I wanted no part of that, along with the teen babysitting years, I rather do construction than get anywhere near a child. Luckily for me my parents have been great about it the last 26 years of my life. My grandmother has always been a different story, she always thought I would change and get that “urge” when I fell in love with some guy because she was Catholic and it’s what she was brought up on. My parents always knew it wouldn’t happen and I should probably be grateful for that.

This brings me to my present story. I had dated a guy for the past 2 years. I had made it very clear since day one (literally) I had no interest in babies or mothering anything, I had been around children all my life and it was not for me. I never hid the fact I don’t like children from anyone I dated, in fact I usually discuss it by the 3rd date because it is that important to me. Every time we went to a restaurant and a child was near me I would complain and whine about it. It was safe to say I never held back how I felt to impress him or keep him around. He on the other hand said he was not sure about babies, but maybe he wanted them in the future, but he could never ever commit one way or the other about what he wanted so we continued dating and I have a feeling he always assumed I would change my mind which is what most people sadly believe of women.

Last January I ended up having a scare, but thought nothing of it because I was so religious about taking that white pill every single day on time and always had a lighter period. I even took a pregnancy test that came back negative. I forgot about it until come July when I noticed I had put on some weight and while I know people in their mid 20s often slow down their metabolism I knew my body well enough to know something was wrong with me, and didn’t feel right. I went to the doctor where he confirmed my worst fears I was “knocked up” and it was too late for the abortion. The next couple months was a hectic period of telling my boyfriend who at the time claimed to support my decision to give the baby up for adoption, he in fact said he was 100% behind me and cared for my best interests because he couldn’t imagine raising the baby with someone who wouldn’t want it. To me the adoption was the only choice, I absolutely in no way could be a mother and I knew it, to even try for my boyfriend or anyone else would have been selfish and not in the best interest of the baby. I found him a great family, with a stay at home business mom who had twins, but couldn’t have anymore natural children.

Everything seemed to go smoothly until after the baby was born and we had signed the adoption papers (Maryland gives both parents 30 days to change their mind). My boyfriend started to lecture me about how unnatural it was I gave up “my” son and “our” son when he was a product of us and only we could understand that and it was what people did in their 20s and 30s as a part of the life cycle to have kids. To me he was never our son or my son, he was a baby best off with someone else who wanted him. My boyfriend was sadly of the mindset who believed as soon as I laid my eyes on the baby in the hospital my heart would melt and any logical decision I made based off of who I was would fade. That was not the case. I didn’t plan on testing my maternal instinct like I’m sure a lot of women do, it happened unplanned, but it did not change anything about me. My parents and brother who luckily were the few people who ended up knowing about it knew it wouldn’t change either and love me all the more for how certain I am about myself and made the best decision for everyone, but I didn’t realize how set guys were about thinking women could change at a drop of a hat just by seeing “their” baby. I am left with the guilt he caused me by not being a real mothering woman and I should probably be happy that I made the right choice for me and the baby, and that my family is 100% behind me with it, but I don’t know if I can ever trust a guy again because no matter what happened I was honest since day 1 about not having kids and that fact was finite and guys are the worst when it comes to assuming women just need to see a baby to melt and forget their entire existence and who they are. If I had kept the baby I know I would have been miserable and he just didn’t get it, he wanted to believe what he wanted to about everyone wanting kids especially biological ones, he was willing to let the baby suffer as well as me just based off the idea women are meant to breed and care for small babies rather than face reality and admit he never listened to me. I said off the bat if we kept the baby I know I would resent him and worse the baby in the long run and no one deserves it no matter how society feels about women.

The thing is I read what feh had to say about women usually spending time around kids before knowing what they want versus men who see a baby once and think how cute and great they are in the short term, and she’s absolutely right. I have been around kids since I was born. I have about 8 cousins all younger than me. My older cousin had kids when she was in her teens and 20s and I saw what happened to her and didn’t want it for myself. On the other hand my ex boyfriend had never been around a kid or baby a day in his life. He is the oldest in his family, never spent time around babies or toddlers much less teens. He never made an active attempt to spend time with them to see what kind of parent he’d be or if kids was something he really wanted or was part of his fantasy life that he had been brought up believing like so many people do. He at the end of the day prefer I would have had the abortion than see his seed off with someone else and I don’t get it, its selfish to me. At least I was logical and knew what I had experienced and what I’m capable of. I don’t blame him for being upset considering the circumstances but how he was blind with what I wanted and waited until after the adoption went through to unleash his anger astounds me, are men that naïve with women to think they have no mind of their own and this maternal instinct appears one day out of the blue? Does society really teach men to believe all women are baby machines???

Not only that but the entire time this was happening I was thinking about how I would be able to raise the baby had something happened with him and he wouldn’t be around to help us. All he saw was his “happy” three person family, he never wanted the baby enough to raise him without me in the picture because I gave him that option and he passed on it, it seems guys see a family complete with a “perfect” mother raising their baby (the romantic notion like previous posters said ignoring how hard a kid can be) and what I saw was me and the baby and I knew it wasn’t in me. Its like my mom said to me, he honestly has no clue what raising a child is like, he just sees it as the “norm” especially for women with a man :-p and at least to me it is sad.

To end this I don’t know if I am ignoring my ex’s emotions completely because I know who I am and that is what has been haunting me this last couple months. That’s why I started researching if anyone felt as obsolete as I do about not having that maternal instinct, so I know longer feel like a crazy person or a horrible defective woman who destroyed me boyfriend’s life. 

I was married about 6 months ago to a man who I dated for the past 8 years. There have been times in our relationship where he has said something along the lines of “I’d like a kid” or “I kind of want to be a dad”, but I have always been firm in my position that children were not in my future, and that if he really wanted to do that he would have to find a willing woman, or actually go out of his way to work with children to show me that he knew what exactly “having a child” meant. I have worked with children, I know what it’s like, and I know that is work that I have no desire to do. His only experience with children, beyond being one himself, is as an uncle who sees his nieces for a couple days once or twice a year, when they’re on their best behavior, and with the opportunity to return them to the parents when they need some sort of care, which means he gets all the “kodak moments” with none of the tantrums, sleeplessness, money, time or body fluids. Needless to say we’ve come to an agreement that want and need are two vastly different things, and that parenting is not something either of us would embark upon.

I think there are a lot of people (men in particular) who haven’t thought through “having a child” means the child that is your responsibility to raise into a productive human being, and that responsibility extends 24-7-365-18 years at least. Instead they’re thinking “I sure do have fun seeing kids once in a while.” or “babies are cute” which translates into “I want a kid”. It doesn’t mean they want to be a parent, which is a vastly different endeavor. If you have a partner who is gun-ho about having children, remind them that having children isn’t parenting, and that if you really like your life as it is now even if you have children without doing an iota of work to parent them, it will still change your life dramatically. Encourage them to maybe show a bit of interest in children, beyond yearly visits to relatives. Encourage them to know, without the rose colored glasses and kodak moments that some parents choose to portray their lives as, what is actually involved in parenting. That it can mean dozens of sleepless nights (if you’re lucky), untold volumes of body fluids, ruined furnishings and electronics, babyproofing, screaming, kicking…and dealing with other parents who will not hesitate to tell you that everything you are doing is wrong because you’re in the club now and that’s how it works.

I would suggest the Bay Centre for Birth Control at 790 Bay Street. I have used them before. Ask them on the phone whether they suggest you come in for an appointment/consultation, or check them out on the web. They are neutral and connected to Women’s College Hospital so they should be able to give you some good info and/or referrals.

Britgirl, I really like your website. I am in my 20’s and also don’t have any desire to ever have children. I am really happy there are so many websites and people out there that feel the same way, because I was getting all the usual comments (especially from my family) about not wanting kids and felt kind of attacked.

Luckily my boyfriend also has no desire to ever have children. We plan on getting married soon, and his mother already started making not-so-subtle comments about wanting and expecting grandchildren. It’s never going to happen, but my bf and I decided not to discuss our decision with our families because we don’t want the conflict and pressure…

I am also located in Toronto, and am seriously considering getting an operation that will both stop my period and prevent any chance of pregnancy. Can someone recommend a good, understanding, female gynecologist that is doing operations like that in Toronto?

Thanks for listening!

I have a partner who also doesn’t want children, so there isn’t much pressure. My mother is very supportive of my choice, she always resented getting pregnant young and never realising any of her dreams because “children always had to come first”. She sacrificed herself to raise two children without my father’s help (too busy working to care about his stressed out wife) and she admires me for not falling into that trap.

One of the most wonderful moments of my life occurred when I was 12 years old, when I suddenly realized that I didn’t HAVE To have children. I felt such a weight was lifted from me. No other experience in my life has been as joyous and as liberating. Forty years later I can say truthfully that I have never once regretted being childfree.

What bothers me is that I can accept that many women, perhaps most, genuinely want to have children, and I do not judge them for having those feelings. It is unfortunate that almost none of those women is capable of extending to me that same courtesy.

My problem is my husband wants kids. He said it’s totally up to me though. I don’t feel pressure but I do have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind. Even talking about kids with him makes me have symptoms of anxiety. Unfortunately, I have such a deep affection for him that I feel bad about not giving him the opportunity to be a dad.

I wish I could find others in my area who were like that. I live in a neighborhood of stay-at-home moms and I feel like an outcast. The ladies are all nice and friendly, but I just don’t belong to the club. Also, it is hard to meet people in my age group if you don’t have kids because they are consumed by kid-life. It is very isolating.