Comments on: The Maternal Instinct – The Greatest Myth of All?

By: Xena

Xena — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:10:39 +0000

Beautiful posts, Faith and SS. There is no shortage of people (or animals) that need TLC in this world. Until everyone can get the care they need, I just don’t see the point of generating more.

By: SS

SS — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 21:11:41 +0000

What you do for others is beautiful. I’ve often thought that those who can love people who are not related by blood are the ones capable of the most altruistic love. Sure parents who have birthed offspring love their kids, but there is an element of ego in that. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, but so many of them couldn’t imagine loving for an adopted child or young person in their life the same way. I’ve heard a lot of parents make derogatory remarks about how anything but their own uterus produced kids would be inferior and I’ve thought to myself that it was a selfish attitude to have. I grew up in a family where some cousins were adopted, some were foster, and there wasn’t any less love for those who weren’t “related” to us. The only reason you knew was because they arrived beyond babyhood or were of a different ethnicity. And they were not there as a substitute, they were lovingly blended with offspring.

By: Faith

Faith — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:11:44 +0000

I want to say something a little bit different. At first, i thought that i don’t have any maternal instinct and that i agree with all the women who say that they don’t want to have children or feel that it is some natural instinct. I mean, no one feels more stronly about it than I do. A mother, a sister, and an ENTIRE society that tries to tell me I’m odd? becuase i don’t want to bring chidlren into a world of pain, a world of limited resources? and how dare anyone define my femininity by having a kid!!!And then, the more I thought about it, i found out, I DO have a maternal instinct. I have 72 clients in my profession of a counselor. They all have varying disabilities- from having physical disabilities to severe mental illness. I once told my client who asked me if i was going to have children that i already had them.
I just happened to have 50 or so at the time. and who is to tell me that those 50-75 people are not worthy of being my “children”. they are who i worry about at night. They are who i care for during the day, So what i didn’t birth them. I care for them, I worry about what they eat, when they eat, if they go to school, if they get a job and if they are happy and successful. Who is to tell me that that is not mothering. I am quite content with that type of mothering and feel quite satisfied by it.
In some ways, i feel happy that i did not further contribute to the pain, but rather am attempting to alleviate it.
so, anyone who thinks women without kids are without any maternal instinct. Please don’t assume. I took care of my sister with severe disabilities from the time I was a young kid, and now I take care of the homeless and the disabled in your community. I do care. I just don’t happen to want to have children in the ugly equation that is life. if you have kids that you felt the support to have, great. But don’t judge women that may not have had the best family life, and/or have their ‘maternal instincts’ satisfied elsewhere.

By: Morgan

Morgan — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 02:19:07 +0000

Thank you for posting this article and thanks for every one who has replied so far. I use to believe that girls should get married and have kids, because that’s what society throws at us at such a young age, with TV, movies, books, and not to mention were around people all the time who are married with kids. It’s sexist and wrong, and I can’t believe that I’m just now realizing how sexist our society still is. This article and everyones responses to it has changed my opinion dramatically and I just sent a text message to my friend who, I guess I keep pressuring (never saw it like that before) to get married to her boyfriend and have kids, even though she hates the things, and apologized.

And Angela, you are amazing for not bending to your boyfriend’s will just because he was bullying you into keeping him. Not a lot of people can do that, realize who they are and stick to it. You made another couple very happy, the baby happy, and more importantly you made yourself happy.

Thanks again guys!

By: brenda B

brenda B — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 20:03:24 +0000

To each own. I do know this without and studies or independent surveys.If and the person you love decide then you have this vague thing you call ‘instinct’ and it comes to fruiation and if you dont ever have the desire or it just works out that you dont…make that reality yours…dont cloake it with INSTINCT..jeez…I have a WONDERFUL VENEMOUS FREE HUMAN THAT IS A TEENAGER..not all people have children just as not all teenagers are what you …who apparently Dont..are what you so flippantly describe..buy a pet …do us all a favor…

By: FeelingIt

FeelingIt — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 06:59:22 +0000

I came across this post while battling in my brain the fact that I became impregnated by someone whom I love, and…seeing alot of reasons not to have it. My first was the title of this post; I have never thought that I was one of the women who were supposed to have kids. I think that I have met maybe five in my life who I can say I liked (I am 32), and I really don’t generally ‘like’ to be around kids or think that they are cute, like quite a few of the women I have seen do. Honestly, as a ten year old, maybe younger, I knew that I was not emotionally hardwired to give a child the support that it needs, and I still don’t want to knowingly sabotage the emotional upbringing of another human being. I know that I am incapable, and most of the time am alright with that.

But, at this moment it is different for me. Nevermind the fact that I am barely able to support myself (and don’t feel that others should have to support me and my child), that the father is 63, the dollar’s (and quite a few other things are) going down the toilet…, and that somehow my pelvis has found a way to be inflamed for years now–I love the father, dearly. I could not live with myself if I were to hide it, and I have already told him. At first, on the phone tonight, he asked when deadlines were to …end things, but then he quickly turned the other direction referencing…love.

So, here I am, knowing that I am going to be hurting someone that I love dearly tomorrow when we meet, and altering our relationship permanently, because …no matter if all of the aforementioned issues could be overcome, one thing cannot : I have no maternal instinct.

By: Krissy

Krissy — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 19:50:39 +0000

Wow, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one!
However, I am still young but I can pretty much guarantee that I never want to have kids. I feel no maternal instincts, nor do I like children. Back when I was in high school I had to take home that mechanical baby for parenting class, I hated it! That really reinsured my decision to remain child-free. The class also scared me out of the whole pregnancy and birthing situations, yuck! When I was a child I hated dolls, I would never play with dolls as much as my mom would try to get me to. I preferred to have my teddy bears, action figures and hot wheels. My mom has finally accepted the fact that I really do not want kids, even though she would like a grand daughter some point in her life. I had been trying to show her for quite some time that I am not mother material haha I have no desire to spend my life unfulfilled. To me, a fulfilling life would be marrying my sweetheart, traveling, having my career and having animals. I feel more motherly towards animals than I ever have towards children. I see little kids every day that are just bratty towards their parents and I know that I would never want to have to risk putting up with bratty kids. I feel like kids would ruin my marriage and I would just like to have my sweetheart to myself. We both know that we don’t ever want to have kids but I worry his parents will put pressure on us because they are ALL about family. When I first started dating my boyfriend he was like all guys, just assumed I would want kids because it is the norm for every women to love kids and to want to be a mom. He was very surprised when I told him that I didn’t want kids. Luckily, he told me that he didn’t want kids and was happy that I didn’t. However, he stills worries that one day I will want kids as much as I always reassure him that I don’t. I think that fitting in to the norms of society is not right for everyone. Everyone should be entitled to their own life choice and sometimes it is hard for others to accept that. Women should be doing what is going to make them happy. It would be horrible to bring a child in to this world knowing that you don’t feel any maternal love for that child. In the end, I know I will be happy with my decision.

By: Reggie

Reggie — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 23:05:24 +0000

Why being part of a society can really suck! I have never fit in. My mother would say to me, “Why can’t you be like everyone else; why do you have to be different?” I would respond, “Because I am not everyone else; I AM different.” Never, never, never, give in to societal “norms” of what you should be or do or think or feel. Each of us, although with inherent similarities, are truly individuals. As individuals we have the right, at least in many countries, to be who we are. I applaud all those who understand themselves and live their lives for themselves. Be happy and proud with who you are, and reconsider relationships with those who question you and your decisions for yourself. Have a child if you want. Don’t have a child if you don’t. Be proud and happy with your decision. F#$% those who question you. Who are they to question you.

During my second marriage I received much pressure from relatives regarding when was I going to start having children. I wanted children (although I never had any via pregnancy), but I wanted them in my time, not some predefined-relative schedule. I am now raising my current husband’s daughter and have been raising her for the past five years.

I would respectfully argue Cathey’s interpretation of maternal instinct. I believe that maternal instinct is an innate drive to protect children, whether they are your biological, adopted, or someone else’s children. It is a given that I seem to be a freak of nature (which I think is a good thing), but I have always been protective and nurturing of children that I have known thoughout my life. I would give my life to save the child of a neighbor, or even a child I did not know. This is just how I am wired. Children are our future; they are innocent; they have limited capabilities and understanding; they require protection.

I believe it cannot be argued that if more people considered the child and not themselves prior to procreating, then we would have far less screwed up people in this world. My parents sucked, but they were wired to graduate, get married, and have kids. I am raising only one child and it is the hardest job I have ever had. I question each day whether I am doing the correct thing. I dread that I may pass along to her some bad characteristic or habit. I worry about stunting her mental or emotional growth. It is not easy. There are many days that I wish for my single, solitary life. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I found myself a parent and not wanting a child.

I am not saying that people who don’t want children are dysfunctional or would screw up a child. Plenty of people who want children srew them up, simply because they are probably screwed up themselves. I’m babbling now. I just really wanted to say: Make decisions for yourselves and be happy..we all deserve to be happy!!!

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 22:40:09 +0000

Thanks for sharing this Jane. I REALLY wish more women would speak out about this too. I am pretty sure there are more people than Kimmy and yourself who feel this way.

By: jane28

jane28 — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 18:33:39 +0000

I want to applaud Kimmy who is the first person I know who has admitted not liking motherhood. I am a senioir citizen (71 years young) and when I was young there was no other option for people in my white, middle class neighborhood for girls but to graduate high school, become a secretary (or some other job which served others), get married and have babies. I was never offered the opportunity to go to college and, so I complied with my family’s wishes and did all of the above.

I married a man I really didn’t love; he spoke jup to my father, who I was terrified of and who was a bully and, low and behold, the man I married could have been his son. I looked forward to having a baby, after all that’s what I was supposed to do. My first baby was even tempered, sweet, ate and slept according to Dr. Spock, whom I followed and made me think that I was a perfect mother. Well, the second daughter came along and all hell broke loose. She was a preemie, who had to be kept in the hospital after I left. I would have to go and feed her and I remember sitting in the chair holding her saying “she isn’t mine, I feel nothing for her”. The feeling, plus a deep depression followed me for years. I never felt nurturing toward this child and, try as I might, I couldn’t figure out why. Three years later we had a boy and, of course, that was a thrill for my husband and he was a sweet baby Another three years and I was pregnant again; I didn’t want the baby but my husband wouldn’t agree to an adoption. This was another daughter and I thought it was cute when she was able to talk to say in front of people, “what should I have done with you” and she would answer in her little baby voice, “had an abortion”.

My husband and I ultimately split up and I felt trapped, inconsequential, angry to be left with four kids and more depressed than ever. I had to go to work and realized that I loved it.

Rather than go on and on about the horrors that followed in my family life, suffice i to say that today, although I think I am a nice person my children have little or nothing to do with me. I don’t blame them, I guess love begets love and indifference begets indifference.

I wish more women would speak out about this. There have to be more than Kimmy and I.

By: Cathey

Cathey — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 18:10:29 +0000

You guys have really shown me something — I feel sad that you have been made to feel that you are weird or unnatural in not wanting a kid. I guess I am just more enlightened and more evolved, and I thought everyone was like me! I truly didn’t know that childless people were put down by their friends, or that people tried to talk you out of this. I have many friends who chose to remain childless, and I always tell them how smart they are! I love my kids but it’s extremely tough work, and I don’t like every minute of it. I am profoundly nurturing and motherly, so if it’s hard for me, then I can just imagine how hard it would be if you were unsure. So I tell my friends, “You’re doing the right thing, good for you!” And I also tell them I’m a little jealous about how much fun they get to have with their significant other, without worrying that the kids are going to walk into the bedroom. — SO I will keep up the good work of supporting my child-free friends. But don’t put all of us parents in the same category. I promise we don’t all feel the way you guys have described. It’s been very eye-opening though.

By: Cathey

Cathey — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 17:57:44 +0000

Yes, but Kimmy doesn’t need to refer to her child as “devil” or “little animals” — I mean, really. Glad she’s being honest and got all that off her chest. Yes, just please please don’t have kids if you don’t want them. We don’t need more moms who aren’t feeling maternal. Seriously. Kimmy, please tell your husband to read your statement here so that he knows for sure how you feel. He shouldn’t pressure you to have more.

By: Cathey

Cathey — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 17:52:36 +0000

I am really moved by what you said, Ericca. I tried to respond to this blog one time, awhile back, and a guy wrote back and told me I was a “troll” … I guess you need to be child-free to write on this blog, so I stopped. I was just trying to explain what I felt being a mother. Anyway, I like what you said. You said it better than I was able to.

By: Scott

Scott — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 00:17:02 +0000

Very well put. Refreshingly sane.

I cannot help but applaud this part:
“If I’m wrong and decide I want them after menopause, oh well, my problem. That’s what adoption is for… ”

A thousand times yes! Why is individual responsibility so hard for people to grasp? I promise IF I change my mind I will take full responsibility for it and blame no one but myself IF it was a mistake.

By: Tara

Tara — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 22:29:22 +0000

To all you other ladies out there who also don’t have “maternal instinct”, you aren’t alone! I don’t have it either! Sure, I’ve pretended, but I’m sick of pretending, society! Sick of it! I’m in my 30’s. I have never nor do I believe will I ever want kids. If I’m wrong and decide I want them after menopause, oh well, my problem. That’s what adoption is for… I highly doubt this will happen although it is something I frequently hear; I’m plain sick and tired of hearing it… Anyway, if you want kids or want a woman who wants them them, good for you, but I do NOT. Is there something wrong with me? No. I’m just different than you/your ideal. Deal with it! By the way, I am not “unnatural”, “bad”, or “masculine” either. In fact, I’m a sensitive and wonderful lady who refuses to put a child though the trama of being born to a mother who doesn’t want him/her because I do love kids (I just dont’ want one). I’d still make a wonderful girlfriend or wife too! In fact, we can have a lot of fun together traveling, sky diving, etc. since we won’t be tied down with a kid plus I’m in my early 30’s but still have the body of a 22 year old (i.e. no pregnacy associated damage like excessive stretch marks and stuff plus I actually have time to work out). If you have older kids, I’m okay with that – just don’t expect me to be their mom. They hopefully already have a mom, your ex, and if not, they have you, their father. I’m content to be Auntie Tara because I didn’t sign up for the responsibilty of child rearing. Be glad I didn’t because I wouldn’t have done a very good job or liked it. Don’t get me wrong, parents, I do respect you, but I’m not like you and I don’t want to be either. Cheers then!

By: Scott

Scott — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 22:39:24 +0000

I think it’s fair for someone to ask me about the chance that I’ll change my mind. It’s at least a step up from someone just assuming that I will change my mind. Honestly, maybe I will change my mind. I can’t guarantee I won’t, I just think it’s highly unlikely, which is what I usually say.

By the same token, then, I get to ask parents about whether they will change their minds in the future. What if you stop wanting to be a parent? “Oh, that’ll never happen.” To that I say, “I know you think that now, but how do you KNOW you won’t change your mind?”

Or, a little less confrontational response — “Imagine that I didn’t want kids and I NEVER change my mind about that. Can you imagine how great that would be?”

By: Scott

Scott — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 22:32:18 +0000

And you know what? Even if you WERE the only person who didn’t want children, it still doesn’t mean that you should have children. Having a minority viewpoint doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

You’re not alone, and you’re not weird. I just wanted to add that being weird (or being thought weird) is not the end of the world in any case.

By: jennyjen

jennyjen — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 09:59:23 +0000

I know this is an old post…and I hope you found your way, but if you do look at this again just look at the ’secret confessions’ website, the thread “I hate being a mother.” There are like 2000 posts and counting, many, MANY are from women who knew they didn’t want a baby, and hubby talked them into it.

It doesn’t read well….it is terribly heartbreaking. And in a simple answer: No. These women didn’t “come around” to the idea. They are miserable, even more so because they feel they didn’t take control of their own destiny and are now stuck with a child they didn’t really want.

I hate to advise duplicitous behavior…but when a previous partner reached fever pitch about wanting a baby I quietly skipped off down to the clinic and ahem, MADE SURE I couldn’t get up the duff. We broke up regarding other issues, but man-oh-man am I glad I took the argument right off the table.

By: jennyjen

jennyjen — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 09:45:41 +0000

I second this…
I see a human baby and I’m sort of “oh. Cute. Meh.”

But puppies, kittens, baby birds…you name it…I just melt inside.
Maybe that’s my maternal instinct…

By: adonna

adonna — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 03:18:31 +0000

Some women don’t want kids and then they suddenly change their mind, some don’t want kids and never change their mind. Whatever you are I respect your decision. While I don’t personally understand it. I respect it.
Perhaps it is this not understanding that alienates women who don’t want kids from women who do. Perhaps when they/we try to understand women who don’t want kids we assume something is wrong. If so I am sorry that people are making you feel “defective.”
I respect and admire your ability to recognize that motherhood isn’t for you and your strength to not “give in” to peer presure.