The more I learn, the less, it seems, I know. That’s good. Because it makes me pause and challenge many things that years back, I just believed because, well, I just did. Didn’t know any better. I’m talking about the myths. We know them. With a few exceptions we’ve heard them ever since we were old enough to understand. We’ve had them rammed down our throats. The motherhood/children mystique that women are always told they really should aspire to, (whatever else they might do) which, as far as childfree women are concerned are easy to dispel once you know how.
Learning how can be tricky. But as childfree women and men we have done it. To do that they they have to have strong belief in themselves, if not, I believe the pressure from others to have kids (and more kids) is too strong to resist. A childfree person is not interested in going with the flow or conforming. They are gutsy.
I am interacting with more childfree people than ever, particularly, though unsurprisingly, through Like It Is. It’s inspiring. As far as the whole parenting thing is concerned, I believe in general women have been sold a bill of goods. Some are still buying the goods, in fact are ardent recruiters to the “ you must have kids circle”. Having bought into the various promises myths, even when they discover much of it is not what it’s cracked up to be, keep silent about their discovery, present a smiling face to the world, and instead re-double their efforts at converting their still childfree colleagues. They have plenty of help from most sections of society which is replete with several mindless stupid slogans. Do they love their kids? Without a doubt.
How has this happened? Aren’t women free to choose what they want to do? Were we not encouraged to go out earn money, have careers, play our part in the economics of living? Why did we find out, too late, that society sold us a bill of goods? Told us a pack of lies. Could it possibly be because women themselves believed – and still believe – the following myths many of which are slogans that they simply never question?
You decide. Here are some of the most common.
- Children are the investment of the future (so giving up your life to them and for them is worthy and should be pursued)
- Children are the promise of/for the future..
- Parenthood is the most important job in the world
- A baby is a gift from God
- Motherhood is the most important job in the world
- All women want children
- Women instinctively love their babies
- Every woman has the right to have children
- Women are programmed to have/want children
- Women are incomplete without children
- Children are a fact of life
- Children keep you young
- Children will keep you in your old age
- Having children forces men grow up and become responsible
- Without children your life is empty
- Children are the centre of the universe…
- Everyone should have children – it’s natural…
- Having children is what life is all about…
- Having children is worth it…
- Children cement a relationship…
- Children come first
- Once you have one, you’ll want to have another/realise what you’re missing
- All women have maternal instinct, once you have/hold your baby, you’ll see…
- If you don’t want children, it means you hate them…
- Having children is a selfless act
- If you don’t have children you’ll always regret it…
- No family is complete without children…
- People who have children are doing their bit for society
- People who don’t have children just don’t understand what it’s like
- A child makes everything ok
When I began this list I had about five myths in mind. As I wrote they just kept coming. I don’t know why I am surprised. I’m sure you can think of more. You are probably not hearing any these for the first time. But think of it. These are the messages being given out overtly and covertly every day of our lives in almost every aspect of our lives. They are very powerful messages and, more importantly, there is little to counteract them. This is not to say that parenthood doesn’t bring rewards. It does, and for many who do it, it is right for them.
But, and I can’t say this enough – it is not right for everyone, not everyone wants to do it and we can see through the hype, despite the 24/7 advert for motherhood. We ain’t buying it, we’re exercising our choice, so leave us alone and stop trying to convince us to join your ranks.
Most childfree people, even if they initially believed some or any of them, have examined and questioned these myths and/or rejected them, often despite pressure from people at work, family, friends and particularly strangers. Early articulators had a huge head-start – they knew they didn’t want kids so they could dispense with the crap sooner than some of us who took a longer route. Sometimes the price of living in a way that feels right to you comes at a price, which, in this day and age is a shame.
Childfree people have refused to buy the myths of motherhood/parenthood even though we are aware we live in a pro-natalist breed oriented society.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Reading through these reminded me of a conversation I had with my ex-boss. I won’t go into the reasons why but I wasn’t able to vocalise my disagreement with the following which was incredibly frustrating. It was a variation on the selfless/selfish myth.
She had a son and effectively said, when you don’t have children you wake up in the morning and only think about yourself. Once I had my son, I woke up in the morning and the first thing I thought about was another person. It changes your perspective.
Hmm, who is she to say that I don’t wake up and think of my husband or say a prayer to the flying spagetti monster or remember I must send a donation to my favourite charity. And, why does it make her a better person just because she thinks about her son when she wakes up.
Harrumph.
I think these myths are not only unfair to the childfree but to parents as well. People fall for this idealized view of parenting and then feel like they’ve somehow failed when it doesn’t live up to this false image. They feel guilty or ashamed if their children aren’t perfect, or if at times they get exasperated with their kids or, god forbid, they have a fleeting moment of regret. I’ve mentioned the book “I’m Okay, You’re a Brat” by Susan Jeffers before and I think it should be required reading for everyone. She blows apart all of these kinds of myths. Only by facing the reality of what having children is (something that can be important, that can be fulfilling, that can be the hardest thing in the world, that doesn’t work for you, etc.) can people gain peace in their lives. I think the most important point is that it’s a different answer for everyone.
One size does not fit all.
notice how many of the “reasons” are actually selfish, theres a few sites that have 101 reasons to have kids, and a few cf sites have their own versions.. the true ones.
101 REASONS FOR HAVING CHILDREN!
http://www.aboverubies.org/articles/101.html
the site above pretty much is the same as you list britgirl
there are 2 posters on this board who have done their own reasons..
http://www.thecfcouple.proboards37.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=guestrant&thread=1142033616&page=1
I have a couple more for the list:
Having a child makes one an adult.
A woman is not a real woman unless she’s given birth to a child.
@mercurior -Thanks for these – The Childfree responses are great. Good comebacks and worth a read. The above rubies link is more evidence that people are good at shelving responsibility for their actions… after all, it can’t be wrong if God ordained it can it?
@Rhea – I’m trying to puzzle out the answer to that one myself… to me she sounded smug. But then she’s probably been told she’s a better person just for being a mother…
@Rebecca – Yes, good recommendation – I read it a a couple of years ago. One of the best books on childfree living out there.
@Hillari – Oh yeah!
Rhea – that says a lot about *her* I think – she used to be selfish, now she’s not, and she figures everyone else is the same!
Britgirl -
One thing – despite all the pressure to reproduce – and I totally agree that this is a breed-oriented society – speaking from the U.S., we don’t do much to help parents. We act like we do, and we pay a lot of lip service to it, but when you get down to it, we’ve set things up so that parents who have jobs (which most parents need to have) are screwed, and their families are screwed.
This is not to say that the proposed solutions for parents in the workplace have always been great for cf people. I think we need a whole workplace revolution that will make *all* of our lives better. But I don’t think the U.S. really values parent-child or family relationships in general. I think it values the labor of employees, and that the encouragement of breeding is in part about creating a labor force and in part about gender roles.
i disagree, the cf have heard stories or work mates, getting time for for their kids, when the cf may need time off for their parents, or pets. people with children get more financial support from the government (especially in the UK). you can have preferential housing the so called mcmansions, and more..
i live in the UK, and parents with children working or not, get the lions share
theres WIC coupons in america predominantly for single mothers. and so on..
a lot is done for parents, less is done for young men, and young cf.
@plainsfem – I would agree with you – to a point (and this is going to be the subject of a forthcoming post – thanks for raising). I’m more in agreement with mercurior though. From my experience in both the UK, where I’m from and Canada, where I live, much more is done for people with children than for childfree people. While I will agree that the many work envrionments are not tailored around women bringing up children (and yes, this causes all sorts of issues for women who have to work and their families) at the same time many are bending over backwards to create more “family friendly” workplaces. They are doing this because they need to retain workers.
They need to be mindful that they need to support their workers, but they also need to be aware that if they don’t make a profit, the company will be gone.
Which is fine, except that family doesn’t mean person with no kids, or person who is single. It means people with children. People with children have – for example (at my company) – time off if their kids are sick, time off to go to parent teacher meetings, very good health benefits coverage extended to all dependents, subsidized childcare, on-site company childcare, time off if they are adopting kids, preferential tax breaks, tax credits and child benefit, a christmas party for workers children. During March break, childfree people can’t take vacation, because parents are on vacation.
Pregnant women can take up to a year off as maternity leave with all benefits and can return to their substantive grade. Their vacation entitlement remains untouched. This is also the case in the UK. When you consider that, some women are have vacation entitlement of 3-4 wks (depending on years of service) the time off is subtantial. (Vacation entitlement is more in the UK. I was entitled to 5 weeks/year). Employers cannot fill their positions, they must keep them open. Fathers are now entitled to paternity leave – though many don’t take it, mothers can opt to job share, flexible work, or work part time. PLUS there are many other ways government supports parents. In Europe, benefits for people with children are even more generous – depending on the country. Plus companies are sympathetic to parents when they have to dash out of the workplace to tend to a child, or attend a school function or a kid’s sports function. Not for the Childfree. I think you’ll find that even the US has many more benefits for parents as opposed to those without. So I think while it isn’t perfect, it’s more than lip-service.
Contrast that with what is provided for childfree people, or as mercurior says, young men (a pretty vulnerable group btw). We get no extra time off outside vacations and public holidays, even if we are taking care of a parent or a pet. There are signs that is now changing in larger corporations but it still is much less time than people with parents are able to take. Small companies may go under, they don’t have the same luxury of economies of scale. So, rightly or wrongly many won’t hire women.
We get no extra benefits. We can, of course, take a year off – but it will be without pay – unless we use our vacation time. We pay more tax than parents and get no tax breaks, no government support, no subsidized transportation, no subsidized elder care payments. And by the way, I work for one of the most family friendly companies in Canada, and one of the best employers, with over 50% of employees being women. Many in very senior positions. Might be different in the US, but I would guess that good companies still have more benefits for parents than non-parents. Generally we understand – children are demanding, but lately we’ve been getting fed-up at what we perceive as preferential treatment for parents.
And even if they try and make things more “family friendly” and “do more” for parents, childfree people will be even more marginalized as far as the workplace is concerned. In my opinion It’s already tipped far too much in parents’ favour – and we pick up the slack. As you said what’s needed is a more equitable solution – for childfree and childed alike.
I want to say how impressed I am by the quality of the dialog that takes place on this blog. Our blog hostess has set a high quality tenor and tone for her blog, she exhibits excellent research skills and a kind od clarity in her writing that’s a precious find in the blogosphere where so many bloggers rant and rail without any sense of decorum.
Although I don’t speak up as frequently as others do I continue to read and to work things out in my own mind based on the discussion and reasoning I find here presented both by britgirl and here readers, and also base on my own happy child-free life.
Currently my Beloved and I are faced with some serious health issues so it’s difficult for me to thing beyond the next test at the hospital but I did want you all to know how much I appreciate your sharing.
P.S. An update on the woman who placed her marriage at great risk by insisting that she and her husband undergo fertility treatment in the States is IMO in order. Their relationship has ended and her husband has filed for divorce. What a shame that the relationship they once had was destroyed by her obsession to give birth at her advanced age.
Be well and be happy one and all and I’ll join you when I’m up to it.
Namaste
TT – thank you for your kind comment. And for the update! What a waste of a relationship indeed. Miss you and look forward to you joining us whenever you’re up to it.
Hey Britgirl,
I’ll look forward to your future post (I’ll probably be doing one on this topic, as well!). I think we’re in agreement re. much of this. One thing – most workers don’t have the benefits you mention because they work part-time or in jobs that don’t offer such benefits – and they are, of course, the people who most need them.
I have more to say, but I’ll wait for the blog posts!
@plainsfem – good point – part time and short term or temp jobs have very few benefits as well as often being low paid… I’ll look forward to your comments on my post!