When at a fairly young age a girl says that she wants to have at least three kids, what do you suppose people’s reaction is? I’m sure you don’t need three guesses. At any rate you can be sure that no-one is likely to tell her she will change her mind.
But when, at a fairly young age, a girl says she does not want children, what do you suppose the response is? It can range from indulgence (when she’s quite young) to “oh you’ll change your mind,” or “you haven’t met the right man yet…” as she grows older. Or just outright disbelief.
Men aren’t believed either, but until they get a lot older the pressure doesn’t really kick in. Yet there are also many men who knew beyond a doubt from a very early age that they never want to have kids.
An early articulator,is someone who knows – and says– from a very early age that they do not want children. There could be a range of reasons, from the model they saw when they were growing up, to not feeling any maternal instinct to not liking children or being around them to simply just knowing they just didn’t want kids. And they want to be childfree
So why aren’t they believed?
I was not an early articulator, in fact for much of my growing up years I believed I’d get married and have a couple of kids. Well, twins, so I could get it over with quickly. The signs must have there even then. Since I wasn’t prepared to be a single mother, decided if I didn’t get married there weren’t going to be any children anyway and so be it. I married fairly late, marrying in my late 30’s only helped my decision to remain childfree – that and meeting a man who not only wasn’t interested in producing kids and had done quite a bit of thinking about it. I was able to question my hitherto held beliefs that life = marriage=children, with the best outcome for me.
However, I have always been fascinated by childfree men and women who have known from a very early age that they had no interest in having kids – and have managed to stick to that knowing, withstanding pressure not only from society but from parents and family. Because, no-one (or at least very few) people believed them, instead, trying their hardest to convince them they were wrong and that of “course they’d want children.Don’t be stupid. Every woman wants children.” How does a young person cope under all that sustained pressure?
From reading their stories, it seems their determination to remain childfree has often been a long and hard fought battle. I find that inspiring. The pressure on women to procreate starts almost as soon as they are old enough to understand anything. Everything is geared toward the future job of pro-creation, so that we buy the story of our “destiny” before we are even old enough to understand what it means. Step outside the narrow boundaries, even in this day and age and watch out for the obstacles.
I’ve wanted to write this article for a while, but particularly when I saw how many readers on Like It Is shared that they had always known they never wanted kids. So I thought it would be good to share my thoughts. I also had a chance to read Annily Campbell’s book Childfree and Sterilized (topic for another post) which looks at womens decisions and the medical responses. In many cases even though the women had always known they did not want kids, even when they had thought about it and discussed it, the doctors, for the most part refused to believe them, saying, surprise! “They would change their minds!”
I thought it would be interesting for you to read some responses from an interview Annily Campbell had with women who had been sterilized.
“I have never wanted children…My mother taught me to hate children by the way she treated me. I coped with it as child by rationalizing that it wasn’t me she hated, she only treated me that way because I was a child and… if only I could grow up and be an adult, it would be OK (Helen).
“I have always, always known I didn’t want to have children. Probably since the age of fourteen or fifteen years … I have never ever felt differently, or had a so-called “broody phase.” (Jude)
“I didn’t want children and couldn’t imagine children in my life.” (Anne T)
“I do not have any strong maternal feelings… I fear that, because I was rejected as a baby, there is every likelihood that I would subject a child to this rejection (Gemma)
“During my teens, I just felt that I did not want to be trapped. That was how I saw my own mother, putting her children first for a good part of her useful life.” (Ginny)
I believe there are many men and women who have always known that having children isn’t for them. My view is that we don’t hear enough of their stories and we should… in stark contrast to the “I always knew I wanted lots of children,” mantra which most think is a great reason to have kids.
Your thoughts? Are you an early articulator? How much pressure or support did you have for your decision? What about the men? Your experiences?
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I think the first time I really started to articulate my own desire not to have children must have been in early-high school (~age 13). I had a friend and we used to have this joke that when we ‘retired’ we’d move to the tropical north, live in shacks and throw rocks at children (this was our version of the so-called Purple Woman, I guess). In this life-plan I always saw myself as an old, childless spinster and was totally happy with that.
As I got into my deep teens, this morphed into a stated ‘hatred of children’. I’m sure people here can imagine how that went down.
(I should probably point out that when I say I ‘hate’ children it’s not — as most people jokingly assume — that I want to hurt or eat them or something, but rather that I simply don’t want any near me. Ever.)
It’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve finally found the words to express myself as ‘childfree’; since I’m in my early twenties I constantly get the knowing winks and “ooh, I thought that too at your age”-s. Yeah, maybe you did. Difference between you and me is that I’m pretty sure I’ve got the guts not to cave in to societal pressure. I like my comfortable DINK finances, I like going out and spending time with my partner and I have twenty jillion hobbies as it is, none of which I feel a pressing urge to put on hold in order to breed. Children just don’t feature in my life-plan and simply never have; in my head I’ve always been a career woman, never a mother.
At least my parents leave me alone… for now.
ok, i wasnt an early articulator, i never said anything.
when i was young i was stabbed, by another kid, who had a knife and wanted to see what would happen. i was a few years later stabbed in the behind with a crochet needle this time it was a girl, she was jealous that i was talking to the teacher so she stabbs me in the bum.. (i know its humourous).
i was bullied every day, by other kids, i was quiet, brainy, and gentle even though i was bigger than everyone else. i wasnt interested in girls or boys, i didnt have time for dating, the few times i tried i was laughed at.
i had always thought if the possible g/f fiancee wanted a kid, then ok if it made her happy, luckily i had no long term relationships, had a few g/f’s but they never lasted. as i can be intense.
2 and a half years ago, i met my fiancee, i didnt know CF existed i thought i was a freak for not liking kids, but as soon as i spoke to her found we had similar minds and we connected. i realised i wasnt alone, it was ok to not want kids. my fiancee has stated since she was 8 years old she didnt want kids, she knew then..
so in my case i knew, but didnt KNOW. which i feel is the case in a lot of men, they are conditioned into thinking that men must have kids to be considered real men. which is similar to how women are conditioned.
but my fiancee is a REAL woman. i know i am CF. i know now that i always was CF,
I have to say that I was an early articulator. I remember reading Childless by choice when I was about 18. I told my parents when I was 23. I have never had sex without sterilisation of myself or my parter. Vasectomy at 34. Anyway, I have to say that I have had not too much pressure to have children. Sure, people have talked about it with me, but then we’ve talked about my going overseas or going to university or chosing one job over another.
So my own personal experience is that being an early articulator (as a man) is that it hasn’t really been that hard.
I knew at age 8 and articulated my wishes strongly..as the oldest of 5 I always had to take care of my younger siblings. And then their kids when they all got married right out of high school and started to procreate like mad.
I wanted to go to college and was told not to waste my time when as a Catholic girl all I was meant for was getting married RIGHT after high school and having kids. So…had to fight to go to college, worked 3 jobs and got scholarships, loans, grants to pay for 100% of my college expenses.
I did it tho…went to school, come home and baby sit assorted nephews (my mom babysat for all the grandkids in the family) then off to work, then home to help with my 1-4 nephews…depending on who was spending the night, then homework, 4-6 hrs of sleep and do it all over again.
When I met the guy that would be my husband (after saying no to 4 marriage proposals where the guy thought he could change my mind about having kids…ewwww) he was adamantly childfree! YAY!!
My parents loved him to death and were happy for the marriage and HOPED we would change our minds. Never happened.
It took us 7 years to find a Dr that would perform a vasectomy since at that point we were in our early 30’s. We first tried right when we got married but as 25 y/o newlyweds, no one took us seriously.
The marriage didn’t last…sadly…and now I am single again. Dating is fun but I keep running into…you guessed it…guys with kids from previous marriages or relationships. And the stories start all over again….’why is it that you don’t want kids’.
Over the years my parents have done a 180 and are now very proud of me for standing up for what I believe in. My siblings that had kids right out of HS have had numerous ‘childrearing/parenting’ issues that have not been pleasant. The fact that I knew what I wanted and refused to back down is my personal badge of courage. And it’s nice that my parents are finally on board.
I know I wasn’t an early articulator. I was fond of telling people I wanted my own “Brady Bunch”: three girls and three boys. This went on until my mid-20s, when I realized the goals I wanted and the way I wanted to live was not compatible with being a parent. I realized that I had never liked hanging around a lot of kids (even when I was a kid I related better to adults). Plus, parenting was never presented to me as being enjoyable by either of my parents. They always looked at it as an unpleasant chore they had to deal with until we all turned 18, and they could legally put us out of their houses.
I have always known I don’t want children. I’m still young-22- and I get the “You’ll change your mind” response ALL the time. I’ve been really thinking about being sterilized, but every time I bring it up it’s “But what if you decide later you want children???”
I was an early articulator as well. I’ve always known I wasn’t going to have kids, my own early homelife being not all that ideal I couldn’t imagine ever subjecting another human being to this world (funny how at age 7-8 I didn’t know families *could* be good). There was one glitch when I was about 16-17 when I met my first totally functional and loving family when I had a glimmer of thought of “well, maybe it could be ok…” but that didn’t last too long.
Yep, met with all the “Oh you’ll change your mind” and my *very* favorite said to me when I was 16, “Hah, I bet you’ll be pregnant before you’re 18!!” But thankfully I’m amazingly willful and independent.
I’m 34 now. The comments have waned though I still have people wink at me and say “There’s still time!”. Fortunately I have a husband who also has no interest in children and friends who have either never questioned my decision or feel the exact same way themselves. Mom still laments over never having grandchildren, but I remind her she has two…they just have 4 paws each.
Hmm… I actually don’t NOT want kids (I feel strange because everyone here is staunchly childfree). I’m only 18, so maybe that’ll change. But my problem, I guess, is slightly different. I don’t see how I can bring another child into the world when so many are suffering without parents. I’ve always told people I want to adopt when I’m financially stable with a husband… that sort of thing. And I get, “Oh, but don’t you want a child that has your eyes/hair/mouth?” I think I even mentioned not ever wanting kids. I get a couple of raised eyebrows that way, too.
My idea is this: If I don’t see a future for my kids when I’m mature enough to have them, then I won’t have them.
And I also know that I’ll be pretty happy without kids, too. It’s not a *desire* that would make my life fulfilled. If/when I have a child, it would be for the child, not me. Which I think is something that people don’t pay attention to enough.
Thank you one and all for sharing these great comments! I’m going to sit back and enjoy reading your stories, but not before saying welcome to new visitors to Like It Is and thanks for joining in.
– that’s an interesting “problem.” Imagine if everyone who’s who is pining after their “own flesh and blood” and spending $$$thousands on IVF felt like you did! Besides, you’re getting the same knowing looks when you mention not wanting kids 
. At least you’ll know what to expect!
@Joy – don’t feel strange
Sorry I’m commenting late… I surf every few days.
I, too, was an early articulator. It was just a gut feeling, a notion that it wouldn’t be in my best interest. I distinctly remember imagining what my future would be like when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I always saw myself living alone with several animals. Children never even entered the picture.
It wasn’t that I wanted to be different, either. As a child I was painfully shy. So much so that I would not – COULD not – muster the courage to speak in class or even ask to go to the restroom. This lasted through college. So, to be this fundamentally different from people was terrifying for me. I worried for too long about why I was such a freak. (Now, I know we’re not freaks, but that’s what I thought at the time.)
When I got married, I was vocal about not having kids. However, I did go through a phase of “everyone-says-I-should-so-maybe-I-should-rethink-it” for a few months. I almost let the badgering break down my defenses, then I found the word “childfree” online. Now I have ammunition to fight back!
In a previous post comment, I touched on the fact that it was only very recently that I let go of the guilt surrounding my decision.
As far as supporting my decision, I provide that for myself. I read childfree literature, online and off. I intentionally seek out childfree friends. I am very lucky because my mother supports my decision, too. (Which is incredibly strange because it’s one of the only things we can agree on.)
I am very grateful for these online communities, otherwise I’d feel completely alone!
I knew from an early age that I didn’t want kids, but I always thought I would change my mind. I am 38 years old now and I haven’t changed my mind yet, but I do feel my own guilt about it. Neither my husband or either of our families make us feel guilty, but I think we feel a little guilty that we aren’t a part of all hoopla surrounding children.
All of our friends have kids, so we are hoping to grow our friendships in 2007 to include many people just like us who don’t have kids.
We are both very active, with busy lives, and we are looking forward to meeting new people in 2007.
I was a very early articulator if you count turning down all baby dolls as a child. My reaction to children (the younger the more extreme) is similar to the way some people respond to spiders, less fear but more the feeling of having my space defiled.
Shortly after that I started activley saying I didn’t want children and as a result have always had a sort of condecending relationship with my aunts who thought that unusual ideas and articulation were cute. Never helped that I’m a blonde wiht blue eyes who will never look threatening in the least.
I had a pretty insulated upbringing I suppose since though I rarely found agreement with my childfreeness I never considered a big deal. It helps when you don’t talk to people I guess.
In college I discovered many things such as sexual discrimination and people who thought it morally wrong not to have children. After that I found communities online for the childfree. Before that I had felt most CF when angry. I actually worried that my resolve was weakening when that became less and less the case.
Now I’m just childfree along with the many other things I am in my life. I always assumed I’d have to wait out those aunts to proove that I’d never have kids but now I’m also armed with a knowing smile of my own and some handy anti-bingos from the net!
@TLFC – I can’t remember where I first saw and understood the word childfree. But I know I had a “eureka!” experience. After that I could never even think of myself as “childless”
it just felt odd, because it wasn’t true!
@Kim – Welcome! From my own experience finding an online community (or offline for that matter) where you don’t have to explain yourself or defend your choice is just so refreshing. You never have that the “so do you have kids?” question for one. Even though I am very comfortable with being childfree, I know that when I’m in the company of parents I am subconsciously preparing myself for either “That Question” or for them to launch into stories about their kids, or I can feel them waiting for me to ask them about their kids…
@ ourosd – welcome! Don’t you just love those anti-bingos..lol
i remember my eureka moment, it was about 3 years ago when i spoke firs to my fiancee and she directed me to the turtles rant page (now in that cybergraveyard), and i found i wasnt alone. then i created a board and joined bratfree.. and found i was home
I was very very young. Pre-kindergarten. I just always knew…I was very aware, early on, of the “idea” of having a kid…and what it would involve in one’s life. I clearly recall questioning to myself “why do we ALL have to have kids. Maybe some don’t”. I would watch my mom, or neighbors, or others, & observe their lives in relation to their offspring, and I knew, 100% sure, that it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t even read yet. I’ve been Bingo’ed all my life, called less than, had some real mean-spirited vitriol directed my way – for simply my choice. A choice THEY would bring up or ask me about & then proceed to slam me. I can only guess these people were projecting…projecting their own, hmmm…what..you name it – regret?, anger at seeming “impudence” at not towing the party line?, annoyance of the “why didn’t I think of that” variety?, mad because they realized someone doesn’t worship at their womb altar?…who knows. I just couldn’t understand why people, as soon as they get to any kind of adulthood, would choose to turn their lives over to offspring. Didn’t make sense to me. Still doesn’t.
Thanks for the useful post.
To my children, daughter, 14, son, 17, I keep emphasizing that the decision of whether or not to have children should be carefully considered as life with them is extremely different from life without them.
This blog entry will be assigned reading for both of them.
Thank you, again.
P. S. Linked here from Amused Muse
I was an early articulator. I could never really see myself with a family and although I played with dolls, they were mostly adventure games more than caring ones. I much preferred stuffed animals and imagined myself with animals but not kids. As you can guess from my username, I’m a life-long dog nutter but I do love other furry things too. =)
I honestly couldn’t even imagine myself with a partner but I have had one relationship in my life and reckon the whole thing is overrated. As a kid, I said I’d get married (don’t believe in marriage now) because I thought you had to but could never imagine another person in my life. I actually loved the company of kids when I was a kid myself but I always related better to adults. I even did work experience at a school but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become less and less able to stand kids.
As for my experiences, yes it is quite difficult at times to be taken seriously when you announce your decision to be childfree. Most frustrating thing is when people treat you as if you’re somehow “immature” because you don’t want to have children. I have also been called everything from “selfish” to “lesbian” for not wanting kids. I really don’t know where the lesbian thing comes in, as some gay couples adopt. I also hate times when people assume that if I spend time with their little ones, I’ll suddenly get the baby rabies.
Granted, some of my reasons for not breeding could be on one level seen as selfish but I really don’t think it’s anymore fair to have a child when you don’t really want it than it is to have a dog you won’t love and care for. I don’t have a natural predisposition towards caring and although I find babies/small children cute, I don’t like being around them too much. I actually feel the stress inside me bubbling like magma as they come into a room.
I have told my family who support my decision (except my eldest brother who has a child himself). My mother and second eldest brother support me and say that they are just glad I won’t be bringing an unwanted life into the world. My father said he couldn’t see me as a mother anyways and I recently learned I have childfree cousins although I don’t think they know the term “childfree.”
I tell my father I feel the same way about children as he does about cats-doesn’t like them but doesn’t like to hear about them getting hurt. I do love cats though even if I prefer dogs. =) My parents would like another grandchild but they would never pressurize me into reproducing and they say whatever I do is up to me in the end. I even mentioned sterilisation when I have the money and my mother is fine with that and my father apathetic.
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I was an early articulator as well. I remember being in the line at the grocery store and seeing one of those smut magazines that has stuff like “Bigfoot gets Elvis pregnant”. Except this magazine had a five year old girl that supposedly had a baby. I obviously didn’t know better and was horrified at the prospect of having children, ever! I think I was six then and I was saying that I didn’t want kids at that early of an age.
I’m still horrified by the tabloids everytime they say somebody is pregnant. EW!
Sorry, I know this comment is late in coming, but I’ve just found this blog in the last few days and have been reading all the “Childfree?…” entries. Good stuff.
Anyway, I consider myself an early articulator. I very distinctly remember telling my Good Catholic Grandmother, may she rest in peace, when I was 10 years old that I never wanted to have babies. Wow, I got the whole shebang: “Oh, don’t SAY that. Children are such a BLESSING. You’ll change your mind when you are older.” At the time, I didn’t like that idea, but figured maybe she was right (I realized I was only 10 and had lots of living to do) and that someday I’d have kids. But I was NOT looking forward to it. In fact, I seem to remember some arguments with my parents about how I would never do that (fill in the blank) to my kids. Or MY kids would never have those rules. But those arguments got less and less, and my decision that rather than have to enforce all these rules, I’d rather just not have to deal with the situations at all grew stronger.
Anyway, in 1999, my senior year of high school, I met the man I would eventually marry. I was not someone who had dated a lot, so imagine how thrilled — or maybe relieved is the word — when he told me he would be perfectly happy if he never had to have children. We were just dating when we had this conversation, had not even BEGUN to think of marriage. At any rate, we got married in 2003. He’s 29, I’m 28, and we haven’t changed our minds, despite all the “encouragement” we get from people that we’d be good parents, etc. I consider myself SO lucky to have found someone who feels the same way I do. We are truly each other’s best friend, and I wouldn’t have my life any other way.
The only “pitter patter” in our house is from the little feet of our two Chihuahuas!
I knew when I was a fourteen year old babysitter that I didn’t want children. The mothers who I babysat for were oftentimes stressed about cash to pay me and to meet their other bills. Most of the fathers were absent and in fact one father had chosen to purchase a $500. leather coat over buying his kids school clothes. People would say to me that I would change my mind when I met the right man but here’s what I had realized at that juncture in my life.
Any woman who chooses motherhood has to consider that the father may leave or he may die. Both situations require that the mother take on parenting solo. I had no willingness, no desire to be a parent under the worst of circumstances. Marraige would be the idea situation but a divorce changes everything and again, you have to decide that you want to be a mother no matter the outcome.
As a woman of color I am expected to have children in the interest of ‘racial’ preservation. Amongst people who subscribe to this philosophy I am a pariah. I’ve even had people suggest that I adopt a child which isn’t a bad thing to do if I wanted children. I have nieces and nephews but they live in another state so I seldom see them and every once-in-a-while, I babysit my friend’s child and that is the extent of my contact with children.
I also have to acknowledge the mothers who have supported my decision: Usually the conversation goes like this:
“Really, you don’t want ANY kids; not even ONE?”
“Well if you don’t want them, then don’t have them. Kids are a lot of work.”
I am educated but I am not a hard-core career person. There’s nothing wrong being career oriented for those who choose that path. I have a job where I barely make enough to support myself but it suits my temperment well.
I am in my forties, single, and childfree all of which are my own choices.
First, I gotta say–I love your blog, and even moreso, I love the phrase “early articulator.”
I think I have ALWAYS known that I didn’t want kids. Other little girls played with dolls–I turned a dollhouse into a “museum” with rocks, feathers, and whatever else a four-year-old finds interesting. My mom’s favorite story of my childhood was Christmas when I had just turned two year old, and my grandparents had given me a dolly. I unwrapped it, it started crying, and I promptly handed it to my mother (at arm’s length, by the head) and said, “Feed it, Mommy.” I don’t think I even looked at it again.
Now I’m 24 and I’ve never changed my mind about my lack of maternal instinct. My grandparents still think I’ll “come around,” but fortunately for me, my mom, dad, and stepdad have always been 100% supportive of my decision–and, more importantly, RECOGNIZED it as a decision rather than as a phase I will eventually grow out of. And now, I have a husband who feels the same way; we are gleefully anticipating many many years of hobbies and charity work and being able to be spontaneously and passionately in love–without the risk of financial and emotional dependence that partners often feel when children are added to the equation. (He and I both believe that the freedom to leave a relationship is important for that relationship to thrive. People who are, even subconsciously, “staying together for the children” [or the car payments, or the mortgage, or to keep from disappointing the parents, or because of a religion that doesn't believe in divorce, etc.] are in doomed relationships. I want to be with my husband because I WANT to, and HE wants to–not because we need it.)
I’m not sure that I realized I didn’t want kids as a little kid, but I wasn’t interested in many of the things girls are supposed to do to prepare them for motherhood. I didn’t play with dolls (I played with stuffed animals), and when I was old enough, I studiously avoided the church nursery where many other girls my age helped out. I haven’t liked babies ever since I can remember (and it has developed into kind of an aversion) and I don’t care for little kids too much, either. When one of them starts coming towards me with slobbery fingers, I instinctively start to back away. I also babysat very little when I was younger. I just wasn’t interested.
When I was probably 14 or 15 I started to say that I didn’t want kids. It annoyed the heck out of my mom, who thought I was saying it just to get her goat, but I wasn’t–it was really how I felt. I honestly think it’s a natural part of who I am, just like my love of animals (dogs in particular).
I never really wanted kids. I always assumed I’d have them, and it was always “in ten years time” even though as the years advanced, the number 10 didn’t get smaller. I hated kids – or thought I did.
Then I met a good friend who stated one day that he had no plans to have kids and it was like a light switched on in my head. I thought “oh my god, I don’t actually have to have them either!” I’m a very open minded person and it shocked me that I’d been so blinded by society and the expectations of those around me that I’d never realised that I could make this choice!
I did some research and over the last 2 years have become more and more satisfied with my decision. Also, something interesting happened. Suddenly I stopped hating kids and started enjoying them, being around them, finding them funny and cute. I realised that I had always hated not the actual KIDS but what they represented to me – the loss of my independence. The minute that I realised my independence was no longer at risk, kids became fine by me, because they’d never be mine. I actually adore spending time with kids now, safe in the knowledge that I can give them back when I’m tired of them.
I have also noticed that a lot of childfree women comment that they never played with dolls as little girls – I was the same, I wonder if that’s the earliest articulation of all?
Serrin, I felt much the same way as you. I always set the timeframe of having kids as some really distant time away, but when that age got closer, the dread got worse and I pushed the “deadline” further away.
I didn’t hate kids, I even did some work experience while considering whether to be a teacher at one point, but I too definitely enjoyed handing them back at the end of the day.
Serrin, you hit the nail on the head with the fear of the “loss of independence”. I used to have this sense that I had to pack as much of my life in as a possible before I had kids because my life, my control, my independence would be over afterwards. As a woman, YOU essentially “die” once you have kids, you are reincarnated as this new person, a “mother” with all the crap and societal expectations that entails. And I used to really dread it, until a lightbulb went off one day and I realised that I didn’t have to have them.
Now I look back and think, “well, duh”, especially as I have been lucky enough to have been fairly well-read and educated, but it is amazing what is ingrained in you by family and society since birth, isn’t it? I mentioned on a previous post once that this should be taught in high schools during sex ed, so that it is a little niggling thought in the back of teenagers’ minds until they are confronted with decision (later in life I hope). Hopefully at that point they will make the right one for them, not for others.
Cheers!
Serrin,
I couldn’t tell from your comment if you were an only child, but as one myself, I remember never really liking being around other kids (at least ones smaller than myself). To me, not having kids now in my late 30s is no big deal — it’s just a continuation of the kid-free life I’ve always had.
Can’t miss what I never had, I guess.
I apologise for being so late to this blog. I have only just stumbled across it, and it is absolutely wonderful to find like-minded people. I live in a part of the world where the average birth rate is 3.54 children per woman. Women without kids are a severe anomaly here, and I have often been the target of (mostly indirect) comments and resentment about my status. On one memorable occasion I was told: “There must be something wrong with you.”
I have lived through two bouts of baby rabies (just love that term, btw!!): once in my mid-20s, when all my peers were breeding, and now in my late-30s, when all my new peers are breeding for the first time. I have lost so many friends and my own sister (and only sibling) to the dreaded rabies. By ‘lost’ I mean they have moved away to some far-off land where exhaustion, stress, tedium, sickness, mess, money worries, lack of time and the frustrations, thwarted hopes and ruined careers of highly educated women are normal, and where you, the childfree person, are only of interest and/or use if you provide baby-sitting services and/or lots of expensive presents. (On the subject of loss, I recently lost a job because my boss has gone on maternity leave with her second [she'll soon have two kids under the age of two]. She suspended the grant that employed me. I have worked with her for years, and she has often acknowledged my excellence as an employee. It is very hard to not feel bitter.)
But I digress!
I made my decision to be childfree at the age of eight. I remember the day clearly; it’s like a movie running in my head. My mother was (and is) an extremely controlling, dominating woman who terrorised my sister and I, but particularly me. (The only reason my father wanted kids was so he could ‘teach them stuff’ — i.e. we were there to bolster his ego.) Both parents were strict disciplinarians, but my mother took it to extremes. We had to do myriad chores around the house (including being servants at their cocktail and dinner parties) and on this day one of my usual chores, drying the dishes, included the drying of some very old, very fine bone china teacups that I think the parents had been given as a wedding present. (Why anyone would entrust an 8-year-old in a hurry to get off to school with their most precious china, I will never know.)
Anyway, I broke one. My mother went apeshit crazy. She picked up the shards and hurled back down again, breaking them into smaller and smaller pieces. She threw one little fine china shard against the cupboard so hard that it actually carved a chunk of wood out of the cupboard. This tiny little shard! Thank God she didn’t throw it at me; it would have definitely cut an artery. Instead, she did something worse. She screamed: “You ruin everything! You ruin all my good things!” and then she threw me out of the house, crying, to walk to school.
It was on that walk that I vowed to myself to never have children.
I now know that parenting is the cause of a lot of stress and as a naval wife, my mother had more to deal with than most, since she was effectively a single mother for some of our childhood and teenage years. I have tried to be compassionate and to forgive her for her years of psychological abuse (which continue to this day). However, time and time again throughout my child and teenage years she called me stupid, ugly and a social embarrassment, and so on and so forth, and it is very hard to shift these words and these thoughts when they are carved (almost as if by a china shard) deep into one’s mind by the person who is supposed to ‘love’ you, and whom you, who are so very vulnerable, are supposed to trust implicitly.
This is crap. Mothers do not always love their children. And when I read that quote from Annily Campbell’s book:
“I have never wanted children…My mother taught me to hate children by the way she treated me”
… I just knew I had to write to you.
However, I must also say that I was always a fairly ‘non-typical’ girl anyway. I never played with dolls, only stuffed animals and toy cars and Lego. I did sports instead of ballet, loved all animals (I still do), and never wore frills. This is unusual when you consider that my mother was/is a very conservative woman who was utterly obsessed with decorum, etiquette, Society and being the Perfect Entertainer and Naval Wife. While I don’t recall my sister having dolls (she was older than me), she was actively indoctrinated into the System, especially during her teenage years. She was encouraged to have boyfriends and to go to parties and balls and to generally behave like Lady Di. She duly married a serviceman, was pregnant within two years of marriage and now has two daughters – just like her mother.
But I was NEVER encouraged to date etc. and to this day I have never been asked by any of my family whether I am dating anyone. There has never been any pressure on me to produce kids. No one has ever asked. No one ever says anything. Ever! I cannot help but think this is either because no one cares — which is both a good and a bad thing — and because of my looks. When I was a toddler I was in an accident and I consequently have scarring over my face and a whole bunch of other places. No one in my family has commented (to my face) on my single and childfree status, but they HAVE commented (to my face) about my appearance. So because I’m ‘damaged goods’, and obviously so adept at ‘ruining’ people’s lives, I have never been expected or made to do the usual stuff. The irony is, most of the ‘damage’ has not been caused by the scars.
I have gone on for far too long; I am terribly sorry. To wrap up, I have never waned in my commitment to the childfree life; indeed, as the years pass, my commitment has grown deeper, for myriad personal, political and environmental reasons.
Thanks for your patience!