I didn’t hate kids, I even did some work experience while considering whether to be a teacher at one point, but I too definitely enjoyed handing them back at the end of the day.

Serrin, you hit the nail on the head with the fear of the “loss of independence”. I used to have this sense that I had to pack as much of my life in as a possible before I had kids because my life, my control, my independence would be over afterwards. As a woman, YOU essentially “die” once you have kids, you are reincarnated as this new person, a “mother” with all the crap and societal expectations that entails. And I used to really dread it, until a lightbulb went off one day and I realised that I didn’t have to have them.

Now I look back and think, “well, duh”, especially as I have been lucky enough to have been fairly well-read and educated, but it is amazing what is ingrained in you by family and society since birth, isn’t it? I mentioned on a previous post once that this should be taught in high schools during sex ed, so that it is a little niggling thought in the back of teenagers’ minds until they are confronted with decision (later in life I hope). Hopefully at that point they will make the right one for them, not for others.

Cheers!

I have lived through two bouts of baby rabies (just love that term, btw!!): once in my mid-20s, when all my peers were breeding, and now in my late-30s, when all my new peers are breeding for the first time. I have lost so many friends and my own sister (and only sibling) to the dreaded rabies. By ‘lost’ I mean they have moved away to some far-off land where exhaustion, stress, tedium, sickness, mess, money worries, lack of time and the frustrations, thwarted hopes and ruined careers of highly educated women are normal, and where you, the childfree person, are only of interest and/or use if you provide baby-sitting services and/or lots of expensive presents. (On the subject of loss, I recently lost a job because my boss has gone on maternity leave with her second [she'll soon have two kids under the age of two]. She suspended the grant that employed me. I have worked with her for years, and she has often acknowledged my excellence as an employee. It is very hard to not feel bitter.)

But I digress!

I made my decision to be childfree at the age of eight. I remember the day clearly; it’s like a movie running in my head. My mother was (and is) an extremely controlling, dominating woman who terrorised my sister and I, but particularly me. (The only reason my father wanted kids was so he could ‘teach them stuff’ — i.e. we were there to bolster his ego.) Both parents were strict disciplinarians, but my mother took it to extremes. We had to do myriad chores around the house (including being servants at their cocktail and dinner parties) and on this day one of my usual chores, drying the dishes, included the drying of some very old, very fine bone china teacups that I think the parents had been given as a wedding present. (Why anyone would entrust an 8-year-old in a hurry to get off to school with their most precious china, I will never know.)

Anyway, I broke one. My mother went apeshit crazy. She picked up the shards and hurled back down again, breaking them into smaller and smaller pieces. She threw one little fine china shard against the cupboard so hard that it actually carved a chunk of wood out of the cupboard. This tiny little shard! Thank God she didn’t throw it at me; it would have definitely cut an artery. Instead, she did something worse. She screamed: “You ruin everything! You ruin all my good things!” and then she threw me out of the house, crying, to walk to school.

It was on that walk that I vowed to myself to never have children.

I now know that parenting is the cause of a lot of stress and as a naval wife, my mother had more to deal with than most, since she was effectively a single mother for some of our childhood and teenage years. I have tried to be compassionate and to forgive her for her years of psychological abuse (which continue to this day). However, time and time again throughout my child and teenage years she called me stupid, ugly and a social embarrassment, and so on and so forth, and it is very hard to shift these words and these thoughts when they are carved (almost as if by a china shard) deep into one’s mind by the person who is supposed to ‘love’ you, and whom you, who are so very vulnerable, are supposed to trust implicitly.

This is crap. Mothers do not always love their children. And when I read that quote from Annily Campbell’s book:

“I have never wanted children…My mother taught me to hate children by the way she treated me”

… I just knew I had to write to you.

However, I must also say that I was always a fairly ‘non-typical’ girl anyway. I never played with dolls, only stuffed animals and toy cars and Lego. I did sports instead of ballet, loved all animals (I still do), and never wore frills. This is unusual when you consider that my mother was/is a very conservative woman who was utterly obsessed with decorum, etiquette, Society and being the Perfect Entertainer and Naval Wife. While I don’t recall my sister having dolls (she was older than me), she was actively indoctrinated into the System, especially during her teenage years. She was encouraged to have boyfriends and to go to parties and balls and to generally behave like Lady Di. She duly married a serviceman, was pregnant within two years of marriage and now has two daughters – just like her mother.

But I was NEVER encouraged to date etc. and to this day I have never been asked by any of my family whether I am dating anyone. There has never been any pressure on me to produce kids. No one has ever asked. No one ever says anything. Ever! I cannot help but think this is either because no one cares — which is both a good and a bad thing — and because of my looks. When I was a toddler I was in an accident and I consequently have scarring over my face and a whole bunch of other places. No one in my family has commented (to my face) on my single and childfree status, but they HAVE commented (to my face) about my appearance. So because I’m ‘damaged goods’, and obviously so adept at ‘ruining’ people’s lives, I have never been expected or made to do the usual stuff. The irony is, most of the ‘damage’ has not been caused by the scars.

I have gone on for far too long; I am terribly sorry. To wrap up, I have never waned in my commitment to the childfree life; indeed, as the years pass, my commitment has grown deeper, for myriad personal, political and environmental reasons.

Thanks for your patience!

I couldn’t tell from your comment if you were an only child, but as one myself, I remember never really liking being around other kids (at least ones smaller than myself). To me, not having kids now in my late 30s is no big deal — it’s just a continuation of the kid-free life I’ve always had.

Can’t miss what I never had, I guess.

Then I met a good friend who stated one day that he had no plans to have kids and it was like a light switched on in my head. I thought “oh my god, I don’t actually have to have them either!” I’m a very open minded person and it shocked me that I’d been so blinded by society and the expectations of those around me that I’d never realised that I could make this choice!

I did some research and over the last 2 years have become more and more satisfied with my decision. Also, something interesting happened. Suddenly I stopped hating kids and started enjoying them, being around them, finding them funny and cute. I realised that I had always hated not the actual KIDS but what they represented to me – the loss of my independence. The minute that I realised my independence was no longer at risk, kids became fine by me, because they’d never be mine. I actually adore spending time with kids now, safe in the knowledge that I can give them back when I’m tired of them.

I have also noticed that a lot of childfree women comment that they never played with dolls as little girls – I was the same, I wonder if that’s the earliest articulation of all?

When I was probably 14 or 15 I started to say that I didn’t want kids. It annoyed the heck out of my mom, who thought I was saying it just to get her goat, but I wasn’t–it was really how I felt. I honestly think it’s a natural part of who I am, just like my love of animals (dogs in particular).

Now I’m 24 and I’ve never changed my mind about my lack of maternal instinct. My grandparents still think I’ll “come around,” but fortunately for me, my mom, dad, and stepdad have always been 100% supportive of my decision–and, more importantly, RECOGNIZED it as a decision rather than as a phase I will eventually grow out of. And now, I have a husband who feels the same way; we are gleefully anticipating many many years of hobbies and charity work and being able to be spontaneously and passionately in love–without the risk of financial and emotional dependence that partners often feel when children are added to the equation. (He and I both believe that the freedom to leave a relationship is important for that relationship to thrive. People who are, even subconsciously, “staying together for the children” [or the car payments, or the mortgage, or to keep from disappointing the parents, or because of a religion that doesn't believe in divorce, etc.] are in doomed relationships. I want to be with my husband because I WANT to, and HE wants to–not because we need it.)

Any woman who chooses motherhood has to consider that the father may leave or he may die. Both situations require that the mother take on parenting solo. I had no willingness, no desire to be a parent under the worst of circumstances. Marraige would be the idea situation but a divorce changes everything and again, you have to decide that you want to be a mother no matter the outcome.

As a woman of color I am expected to have children in the interest of ‘racial’ preservation. Amongst people who subscribe to this philosophy I am a pariah. I’ve even had people suggest that I adopt a child which isn’t a bad thing to do if I wanted children. I have nieces and nephews but they live in another state so I seldom see them and every once-in-a-while, I babysit my friend’s child and that is the extent of my contact with children.

I also have to acknowledge the mothers who have supported my decision: Usually the conversation goes like this:
“Really, you don’t want ANY kids; not even ONE?”
“Well if you don’t want them, then don’t have them. Kids are a lot of work.”

I am educated but I am not a hard-core career person. There’s nothing wrong being career oriented for those who choose that path. I have a job where I barely make enough to support myself but it suits my temperment well.

I am in my forties, single, and childfree all of which are my own choices.

Anyway, I consider myself an early articulator. I very distinctly remember telling my Good Catholic Grandmother, may she rest in peace, when I was 10 years old that I never wanted to have babies. Wow, I got the whole shebang: “Oh, don’t SAY that. Children are such a BLESSING. You’ll change your mind when you are older.” At the time, I didn’t like that idea, but figured maybe she was right (I realized I was only 10 and had lots of living to do) and that someday I’d have kids. But I was NOT looking forward to it. In fact, I seem to remember some arguments with my parents about how I would never do that (fill in the blank) to my kids. Or MY kids would never have those rules. But those arguments got less and less, and my decision that rather than have to enforce all these rules, I’d rather just not have to deal with the situations at all grew stronger.

Anyway, in 1999, my senior year of high school, I met the man I would eventually marry. I was not someone who had dated a lot, so imagine how thrilled — or maybe relieved is the word — when he told me he would be perfectly happy if he never had to have children. We were just dating when we had this conversation, had not even BEGUN to think of marriage. At any rate, we got married in 2003. He’s 29, I’m 28, and we haven’t changed our minds, despite all the “encouragement” we get from people that we’d be good parents, etc. I consider myself SO lucky to have found someone who feels the same way I do. We are truly each other’s best friend, and I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

The only “pitter patter” in our house is from the little feet of our two Chihuahuas!

I’m still horrified by the tabloids everytime they say somebody is pregnant. EW!

I honestly couldn’t even imagine myself with a partner but I have had one relationship in my life and reckon the whole thing is overrated. As a kid, I said I’d get married (don’t believe in marriage now) because I thought you had to but could never imagine another person in my life. I actually loved the company of kids when I was a kid myself but I always related better to adults. I even did work experience at a school but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become less and less able to stand kids.

As for my experiences, yes it is quite difficult at times to be taken seriously when you announce your decision to be childfree. Most frustrating thing is when people treat you as if you’re somehow “immature” because you don’t want to have children. I have also been called everything from “selfish” to “lesbian” for not wanting kids. I really don’t know where the lesbian thing comes in, as some gay couples adopt. I also hate times when people assume that if I spend time with their little ones, I’ll suddenly get the baby rabies.

Granted, some of my reasons for not breeding could be on one level seen as selfish but I really don’t think it’s anymore fair to have a child when you don’t really want it than it is to have a dog you won’t love and care for. I don’t have a natural predisposition towards caring and although I find babies/small children cute, I don’t like being around them too much. I actually feel the stress inside me bubbling like magma as they come into a room.

I have told my family who support my decision (except my eldest brother who has a child himself). My mother and second eldest brother support me and say that they are just glad I won’t be bringing an unwanted life into the world. My father said he couldn’t see me as a mother anyways and I recently learned I have childfree cousins although I don’t think they know the term “childfree.”

I tell my father I feel the same way about children as he does about cats-doesn’t like them but doesn’t like to hear about them getting hurt. I do love cats though even if I prefer dogs. =) My parents would like another grandchild but they would never pressurize me into reproducing and they say whatever I do is up to me in the end. I even mentioned sterilisation when I have the money and my mother is fine with that and my father apathetic.

To my children, daughter, 14, son, 17, I keep emphasizing that the decision of whether or not to have children should be carefully considered as life with them is extremely different from life without them.

This blog entry will be assigned reading for both of them.

Thank you, again.

P. S. Linked here from Amused Muse

@Kim – Welcome! From my own experience finding an online community (or offline for that matter) where you don’t have to explain yourself or defend your choice is just so refreshing. You never have that the “so do you have kids?” question for one. Even though I am very comfortable with being childfree, I know that when I’m in the company of parents I am subconsciously preparing myself for either “That Question” or for them to launch into stories about their kids, or I can feel them waiting for me to ask them about their kids…

@ ourosd – welcome! Don’t you just love those anti-bingos..lol

I, too, was an early articulator. It was just a gut feeling, a notion that it wouldn’t be in my best interest. I distinctly remember imagining what my future would be like when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I always saw myself living alone with several animals. Children never even entered the picture.

It wasn’t that I wanted to be different, either. As a child I was painfully shy. So much so that I would not – COULD not – muster the courage to speak in class or even ask to go to the restroom. This lasted through college. So, to be this fundamentally different from people was terrifying for me. I worried for too long about why I was such a freak. (Now, I know we’re not freaks, but that’s what I thought at the time.)

When I got married, I was vocal about not having kids. However, I did go through a phase of “everyone-says-I-should-so-maybe-I-should-rethink-it” for a few months. I almost let the badgering break down my defenses, then I found the word “childfree” online. Now I have ammunition to fight back!

In a previous post comment, I touched on the fact that it was only very recently that I let go of the guilt surrounding my decision.
As far as supporting my decision, I provide that for myself. I read childfree literature, online and off. I intentionally seek out childfree friends. I am very lucky because my mother supports my decision, too. (Which is incredibly strange because it’s one of the only things we can agree on.)

I am very grateful for these online communities, otherwise I’d feel completely alone!

My idea is this: If I don’t see a future for my kids when I’m mature enough to have them, then I won’t have them.

And I also know that I’ll be pretty happy without kids, too. It’s not a *desire* that would make my life fulfilled. If/when I have a child, it would be for the child, not me. Which I think is something that people don’t pay attention to enough.