How Many Men Are Choosing To Be Childfree?
10 02 2007Much of the information gathered on child free living has been about women. We know that more and more women are choosing to be childfree. Fertility data is usually gathered on women. Parenting magazines and literature are mostly written by and aimed at women. And childfree women are increasingly prepared to speak and stand up for decision in the face of continuing hostility from our pronatalist society.
But what about the men? Where are their voices? I think that here, there is a huge information gap. We know that there are many childfree men, if only by virtue of some of them being married to, or partners of, childfree women and the fact that more couples are deciding not to have children. There are plenty of books on the joys of fatherhood, but I have, to date found only one (The Chosen Lives Of Childfree Men, by Patricia Lunneborg) that comprehensively addresses men’s reasons for deciding to remain childfree – and, at nearly $70, it’s a pretty expensive book. I remember I had to back order it on Amazon, but
I was determined to get hold of it. It’s worth every penny.
Whether it’s having children or deciding to be childfree, society still views the decision as predominantly the woman’s choice. Society doesn’t seem to say much about where men come into this choice. Isn’t it supposed to be their choice as well? I think it is. Yet, where women have made up their mind that one way or the other they are going to have kids, it seems it doesn’t matter what the men think.
I’ll go further – from what I have heard and read, the man’s opinion often doesn’t even count. Some women, desperate to outrun their biological clock and have a baby, coax, bully, cajole and even trick their men into fatherhood, certain that once they have the baby it will somehow achieve what they could not – changing their men into responsible fathers and “grown ups.” Read my related post Men - Think You’re Not Having A Baby? Think Again
The decision too often is emotional rather than rational discussion, as if any discussion would make all too clear the reasons not to have children.
I think it’s unfair and a disservice to both childfree and childed people alike that we don’t hear that the choice to be childfree or have children is also a man’s choice. And, just like women, men have to be able to exercise their choice.
We read every day the ever mounting statistics on drugs, gangs, crime, abuse, failing schools and poverty. Not to mention the huge responsibilities of raising children.
Consideration of these and more are why many women have opted out of motherhood, and more are choosing to remain childfree.
What about the fathers? Do the above matter to them? After all, they are expected to be breadwinners AND care-givers. Except by certain feminists who, it seems would rather they weren’t in the picture at all. But they still need the sperm… The expectation for men to provide financially for their families AND put in an equal share of childrearing is high. This has not lessened, even though we live in a time of job uncertainty, where 80 hour workweeks are the norm if you want to have even a decent standard of living.
Surely this means they should have a say in whether or not they want to be fathers?
Expectations of fathers are probably even higher than expectations of mothers, particularly given that they can become the sole breadwinner when their partner decides to have children. And they don’t have maternity leave, neither is theirs the choice to opt out of the workforce to stay home to rear the kids. It is said the number of men doing this is increasing, but that number is still small.
My husband and I were very much in tune with the decision to remain childfree and it was a joint one. I was very fortunate to meet someone who had thought through the reasons he didn’t want children, yet still was willing to consider it if I really wanted them. Of course, knowing that he had doubts made me consider carefully what it would mean to him as well as me. I am very happy we decided against having them. I’m even happier I had not a single urge to produce any kids. Many of the things we can do so easily now, we would not be able to if we had kids – or if I had decided to go ahead and have them anyway. The decision was the right one for us. I also did not want to put pressure on him to be the sole breadwinner, which is what having kids would have meant, at least for a while.
I know from my childfree guy friends that their own personal commitment to being childfree can be a major obstacle to relationships – every woman they meet seems to want to nest and have babies. Many men are apprehensive about fatherhood, simply not interested in having children, or are at best ambivalent
We don’t hear nearly enough of the reasons childfree men chose to be childfree, their motivations, or of how they deal with society’s expectation of them to be model fathers, or the reaction from their families and friends.
I for one would love that to change, because I think men and women alike can benefit from the honesty and realism they can bring to the “to-parent-or-not-to-parent conversation.”
part of what really annoys me, is that the responsibility for having a child is still on the man. How i hear you ask.. well my fiancee wants a tubal, she wants it all slashed and burned.. her choice, her body, but other childfree have said oh she shouldnt have that done, i should have a vasectomy. what.. my body, my choice, your body your choice.
so they are telling me to have the snip, so she doesnt have too(but she desperatly wants to have it done). men only have 3 forms of birth control, abstinience, condoms, and vasectomy. (which may be changing).
but a woman has a lot more choice(17 types with variations i beleive). i think thats the problem, for some women, that there is a form of b/c thats not in the womans hands, that they need to make the unilateral decision “IF I DONT WANT A CHILD THEN LET THE MAN BE RESPONSIBLE” if a woman doesnt want a kid, she should be zapped, if a man doesnt then he gets zapped too ;-).. imagine if it was the other way around and how much shock, outrage would occur.
i am a man, and i know that a lot of men, dont really want kids, but they are pressured as you say by women, emotional blackmail, one man said his wife said if you loved me you would give me a child. needless to say he wasnt her hubbie for long.
if you really ask men, more than you would think, arent baby rabid. they just go along i know i was one of those men. but it was i didnt know the cf world existed.
@mercurior-
you shouldn’t be in a relationship that’s that unequal. you should only get snipped if you want to. it’s unethical for someone to ask you to. i’m saying this as someone who is snipped, and whose wife wishes she had the option to be permanently sterilized. regardless, that’s a separate issue from the number of available options for men and women. currently, it is a higher risk for women to be permanently sterilized, so if both parties are in agreement, it does make more sense for the male to undergo surgery.
back to the post-
my reasons for getting snipped were primarily that i don’t feel fit to be a father, largely due to my inability to consider myself a moral role model, and not wanting to be the autocratic leader of any other person. I also have issues with bringing another life into the world when there are so many other children that could be adopted. accepting the latter, the possibility of changing my mind on the former becomes irrelevant.
i was also going to say, before i got side-tracked, that it society puts less pressure on men to father. even in the most conservative circles, my disinterest in childrearing is readily accepted, most men are more impressed that i’ve found a wife who’s not pressuring me.
As a man who has chosen to be childfree, I can only offer my own perspective - most men of my acquaintance either
1 - already have kids;
2 - pretty much just assume they will have kids one day;
3 - are bachelors for whom lack of a partner makes it moot.
I will say I almost never hear men who don’t have children speak of future fatherhood with that frightening fanatical glassy-eyed look women of childrearing age get - I mean the ones who haven’t sprogged-up yet but are obviously champing at the bit under starters orders. Oh, when they have children they talk it up, sure - if there was no game on the night before; and if they remember to.
No, there isn’t much pressure on men to have kids - I think it’s sort of assumed they don’t mind much either way and that the wife is going to do most of the work, all he has to do is provide a few cc’s of batter and a lifetime’s worth of ever-increasing income. On the other hand, women aren’t looked at like potential homicidal paedophiles if they ever publicly scorn the idea of having children the way men can be; I speak from personal experience.
** isn’t it wonderful the way people equate the statements “I do not want to have children” and “I hate children” - but I’ve known Sturgeon’s Law (”90% of everything is crud”) applies to people too since I was 15 years old. Which by an odd coincidence is when I consciously realized I had zero interest in becoming a father. I enjoy the company of children - now and then - I am “good” with them, but I think I’ve always known I would no more want to be perpetually yoked to the never-ending responsibility of child than I would willingly remove my own left foot with a rusty fish slice.
But I’m a genetic dead-end, obviously. Boo hoo. I’ll just have to comfort myself by sleeping until noon on Saturdays when I want. (If you ever want to twit the with-child, tell them how you often sleep until after 9:00 a.m. - oh, my, the brows do lower …)
adam my fiancee wants to be snipped, its the other cf women who want me to be snipped, and not her.. she says its my choice my body, just like its her choice and her body.. BUT a lot of CF women say i should be the one not her..
but SHE wants it. it has nothing to do with me its her decision. men getting a vasectomy, that should be a mans choice, it has nothing really to do with the woman, ask her by all means, but its your choice.
i visit a lot of boards about the cf, and the number of comments on them saying the man has to do it all, its ridiculous, women fought for the rights to control their own reproduction, and yet they say let the man be responsible.
we know about the risks, but it helps her, will reduce her stresses. this is what sometimes puts men off, she has told me that if i didnt want to have a vasectomy then thats ok, as she wants it first. it seems that part of the thing that turns men off is that we have to be responsible for everything, that the woman somehow isnt..
(now this is feelings, and the attitude of some women, if i was told to have the snip while she didnt, that would be jsut as wrong as me saying she will have the snip i say so.)
men dont think about fatherhood really, we are pressured only by women, men themselves most of them anyway will not say i want a child.. i need a child.
partly the system is skewed against men, partly its not that important.
I had a vasectomy at age 28. Had to bug my Dr for 2 yrs to refer me for surgery.
No regrets!!
I know I’m late to the show. Just thought I’d add a comment since I read Patricia Lunneborg’s book - though I only paid $55
I had a vasectomy at 22 and had to do a lot of convincing with my doctor to have the procedure, after seeing two others. I finally called my doctor out and said “morality is relative, you won’t be killing anyone by doing this, besides, it’s my $500.”
That worked and he subsequently performed the 10 minute procedure. The consequences? The confounding of the parents; alienation among some of my other female friends (this actually solved a few other problems, but that’s neither here nor there); and the worst - A wrecked relationship with a beautiful Japanese girl that was coming upon its 4th anniversary. The last consequence was the hardest to stomach, but sometimes…it’s just a matter of simply sticking to your own beliefs and not compromising. I couldn’t compromise on this issue as I don’t want kids.