“My Husband Doesn’t Want Any More Children And I Do”

by Britgirl on May 14, 2007

“My husband tells me today that he made an appt. to get a vasectomy because he doesn’t want anymore children. We have two wonderful sons that we both adore more then life itself but I have always dreamed of having a daughter since I was a little girl. I wanted to keep trying for her..”

I came across an interesting forum thread through following a Google search term used to find Like It Is. I thought that it made an interesting read coming shortly after my article
Men, Vasectomies and the Childfree Choice
. This article isn’t so much about childfree men as much as men who don’t want any more kids and are having vasectomies to ensure they don’t make any more additions to the world.

Tip – I’ve provided excerpts, but you need to read the responses in the thread. (I have also left the excerpts exactly as is in terms of spelling etc.)

My husband doesn’t want any more children and I do

Reading both the original poster’s question and the responses I was amazed. Amazed at the utter selfishness on the part of most of the responders in the thread. I wondered if this was a typical or unusual scenario. And I felt dead sorry for the men. At least a vasectomy is an option. Although if a resentful wife or partner has to sign the papers, their chances might be less than optimal. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.

Here’s the text of the forum question. I thought, given my article on men and vasectomies, this was a very interesting find.

“My husband tells me today that he made an appt. to get a vasectomy because he doesn’t want anymore children. We have two wonderful sons that we both adore more then life itself but I have always dreamed of having a daughter since I was a little girl. I wanted to keep trying for her. I have a great relationship with my Mom she is my best friend and I wanted to have that relationship with a daughter of my own one day. Am I being selfish for getting angry at him for not wanting to try for a daughter? please help, I’m so confused!!”

Now, read the responses. If you can do so without feeling as disgusted as I did. I wondered why these couples were even together, since communication or consideration seemed to be in critically short supply and one-way at best and in only one direction.

One key thing jumped out at me was that in almost all the cases the women already had children but wanted more. Some had boys and wanted to hold out for a girl. One had three boys but wanted a 4th. The men not only did not want more children, but had, in some cases gone along with having the first few children despite their reluctance and misgivings. Seems all the women wanted to do was keep breeding regardless of whether the men wanted to or not.

How about this?

“I have been with a man for 9 years and we have 3 boys. I really wanted to have a 4th child but i had the desicion forced on me!! I asked him only one more time before he went for his appointment and you know what he said the me?? ” I dont give a F*** i dont want anymore brats running around the house. So F*** off” My heart sank. I REALLY want another child. I have always wanted to have 4 since i was a child. So to be told that i was so hurt.”

I don’t think he could have put it any more plainly. Yet it seems the message still wasn’t getting through… after all isn’t “wanting 4 kids since you were a child” enough reason to keep breeding them? Apparently so.

And from Yapper:

“…My friends and family and all having children and the more they have make more even more desperate and more unhappy at the thought of not having a child. I truly thought I loved my husband enough to fulfil my heart, I hate saying this but he doesn’t. So I spend a little from time to time on clothes, etc etc etc and going out, but I stay in night in and night out with my husband and if I have a baby I am sure this would change my whole outlook on life.”

Right. A baby will change her pathetic outlook on life. Somehow I doubt it. Perhaps her first step should be getting a life.

Shannon – wants more children and while her husband is quite content with the one they already have:

“…I feel so much resentment towards my husband and I don’t know how to handle it. He doesn’t want to talk about it any more, he made is desicion and if I bring it up he gets mad. I love my husband very much but lately I almost hate him for the way he has made me feel. He says that I don’t have a good reason for wanting another baby and that I am being selfish. I don’t want to make him have a baby he doesn’t want because that wouldn’t be fair to the baby.

I wonder what part of “ I don’t want another child” is so hard to understand. She’s almost hating her husband because he doesn’t want more kids. Yet, she says she doesn’t want to make him have a baby because it wouldn’t be fair to it. So, I suppose what she wants for him to miraculously want more kids…guess she’d be happy then.

The view from a guy – Orwell:

“…just wanted to add: I am super involved in both my daughter’s lives. I’m the one who gets up with them every morning at six, makes their breakfasts, drives them to school, etc. My wife still has insomnia and hip/back problems from the second child (who is 2 1/2). Every pregnancy has been hard and the recovery for my wife afterwards has been grueling. Our second daughter only slept in 1-2 hour bursts from the time she was 4 months to 2 years old. We were emotionally and physically exhausted every single day. I went into a deep depression after my second daughter was born. My wife still resents me for that (even though I got up every day and took care of the kids, did my work, worked on the house, volunteered at church, etc.) She had to live under a dark cloud of my depression.

“But part of the depression was triggered by the fact that RIGHT after the birth of our second child, she immediately started talking about having a third one! (One way or the other, I am getting a vasectomy.) I feel trapped in an endless cycle of work & childcare. Plus, she is talking about wanting to move cities again, how unhappy she is, etc. I don’t respect men who deny their wives the chance to have one child to love… but women: We aren’t all callous, selfish louts. I was scared of having the first child (and the second one.) We’ve sorta maybe overcome some hurdles, but at some point, aren’t my fears justified?

Your fears are justified, just not taken into consideration by your wives who can’t seem to prevent themselves from breeding.

I have to say I was rather taken aback by the resentment and bitterness expressed in the threads by the women towards their husbands/partners. Clearly, the overall feeling is that the men are selfish for denying them their wish to continue breeding.

We never really hear much about what men feel about having more kids even though they really may not want to. The particular forum thread is an old one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this issue is more than a little responsible for divorces down the line.

Thoughts?

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{ 97 comments }

KG September 8, 2007 at 12:22 pm

Please excuse some of the rambling that is about to follow as I am trying to express some frustration that is hard for me to get out clearly.

I ran into this blog a few minutes ago, while trying to figure out how to deal with the frustration I am feeling towards my wife after yet another spat this morning. We have two boys (9 and 5) and over the last few years my wife has been talking about wanting to adopt a girl. She has “always wanted a girl”. She doesn’t discuss having our own, as both boys were difficult pregnancies and births. Early on I went along with her for a bit, and even had a DSS woman do a home visit with us which is the first step towards adoption, but I think that was more a way to placate her and not really what I wanted. I have been holding my ground more forcefully over the last year as we have moved and for the first time in ten years of marriage (I am 32) I feel like we have reached a comfortable place in life (no more babies and the difficult aspects of that phase of parenting, short commutes, no more boredom at work or thinking about changing jobs or homes). It is this one issue over adoption that keeps coming back up.

This morning we basically came to a head where she said that one way or another she will have a daughter. I told her that what she is basically saying is that she is ready to end our marriage because there is no way an adoption will go through if one spouse is not on board. I also asked that she at least have enough respect for me and our boys and not do this until the boys are old enough to be out on their own. Which she seemed to acknowledge. But on the other hand why should I go through 15 more years of living together when I will be out on my own after that. Maybe it makes sense to leave now and have a chance for another partnership before I get too old ;) But what of the boys? I shudder thinking about them going through a divorce. Not to mention their mother is a divorce lawyer so I am basically screwed if she decides to be evil (which I don’t think she would be as we both realize how costly. both financially and emotionally a contentious divorce can be).

So here I am frustrated at my wife. Worried about my sons. And not knowing what to do, being afraid to leave a woman that I respect and love outside of this one issue.

I love being a parent, but I am one of those folks that does not want to spend his entire life doing only that. I am a teacher. I have kids all day at work. i have kids at home. I want to get to a point in life where I have time to think about and do other things. I started young, at 23. At 45 my kids will most likely be grown and starting out on their own. I want to do other things at that point. Is that selfish? There is more to me than being a parent.

This blog focuses on the birthing of kids. Has anyone else gone through this type of adoption issue?

mercurior September 8, 2007 at 2:31 pm

first i would be careful she doesnt accidentally make you a parent,

but i dont think any of us wants to adopt, so we cant help. we try to avoid kids as much as possible.

nico September 10, 2007 at 5:03 am

i’m really confused. why are there so many parents on this website? what’s the point of coming here, trying to ‘convert’ (i guess you could call it) people to their way of life? it’s kind of ridiculous.
on topic; the reply from ‘wanting my own’ is horrible, i’d hate to be her step daughter

Britgirl September 10, 2007 at 5:24 am

Nico – I’m rather puzzled as well as to why the parents seem to like such a childfree blog. But they are wasting their time trying to convert us!

CFSinceSix September 10, 2007 at 10:01 am

Britgirl, Nic,

Look at the last line of KG’s post:

This blog focuses on the birthing of kids.

Clearly he didn’t read that this is a blog about being CHILD FREE. Not birthing, not parenting, not how-to-convince-an-unrelenting-spouse-to-be-a-parent-again. If KG had actually READ the blog before posting, he’d see this was NOT the place for issues like this. Same with the other parents.

However, as most paRUNT breeders of their ilk, they have to infiltrate EVERYTHING.

mercurior September 10, 2007 at 2:53 pm

a couple of the parents on here, who came here with open minds, like mom of 2 boys, she asked for advice from us. and showed us some respect.

in that case, i dont see a problem. we gave out our views, and she understood them. others like KG hasnt read this board, or the comments, but they are just using it as a bragging board.

but it doesnt work ;-)

Claire September 11, 2007 at 4:45 am

I found out today that my husband of 3 months doesnt want anymore children (he has 13 an 17 year old daughters from first marriage) and we have a 19 month old son. I am only 24 and i married him under the impression we would have one more as he always said “get the next out quick, dont want a big age gap” I do understand that he now wants time for himself in life and to fufill dreams of his own, and im all for that. But its not easy to just except that you will never have another child when you always wanted one. My son brings so much joy to both our lives.. im not trying to justify having kids, its an individual choice. I have told my husband that i except the decision but just need some time to adjust.

Britgirl September 11, 2007 at 4:56 am

Claire – good for him. Looks like you should have done your homework a little more thoroughly. And, since you probably didn’t bother to check, this is a CHILDFREE blog. And our choice here is to discuss childfree related things. So we’re really not interested in how much joy your kid brings to both your lives, or your whining that now you want another because you’ve always wanted one. I personally could care less.

You need a parent blog. Go find one. This isn’t it.

Vesta September 12, 2007 at 5:38 pm

I am a young female, been with my finace for over 6 years. He has a kid with his ex and I have had three pregnancis – no children. I was basically juggling the idea of kids. Then I thought well… I like to sleep… I like to do my own thing… I have other responsibilities. It is strange how the “urge” to have kids is there but the mind doesn’t want them. My finace doesn’t want anymore kids and I respect that. I don’t want kids but the doctors say I am too young for tubal ligation. I am just having trouble with the natural effect. It is weird I don’t like kids and I know the cost of having them. Plus I wouldn’t want to be one of those women who get all stretched out with fat rolls because they claim that their kids make them eat those cookies.
I can understand the urge to have kids, what I can’t understand is the women who can’t control these urges and give into it. It’s like they are taking drugs and they have no self control and their poor husbands caught in the middle. I can’t stand how selfish women can be. At least I understand the problem and I take corrective measures to fix it.

Mom of 2 Boys September 21, 2007 at 9:42 am

Hi again! I just wanted to say again how much I appreciated your advice. I had the “strong urge” like many other posters on here and after really trying to figure out WHY I wanted another kid, I couldn’t really come up with anything other than I wanted to “accomplish” something I knew I could do. Meanwhile, my marriage was suffering and when I wrote down a pros and cons list I realized that having another kid would be taking away from my 2 boys. My urge to have another kid quickly went away.

My advise to any moms out there who want another kid but your husband doesn’t- write a pros and cons list of how another kid would affect your lives. Be honest. Another way to look at it- if having kids is your like your career, having another kid would be a promotion. If you were an employee, how would your boss perceive you? Do you complain a lot? Do you seem overwhelmed as it is? If you can barely handle things as it is, what makes you think you deserve a promotion?? If your husband doesn’t want another kid, maybe he’s seeing a bigger picture that you aren’t willing to see.

My advise to husbands out there who can’t get through to their wives, have them write a pros and cons list. I’m sure your wife loves the kids you have so much and would never want to hurt them or take away from them. Writing a list will show them that by having more than 2 kids you may be actually taking away from the kids you have. When I realized this I knew how selfish I was being and I finally let it go. Don’t write the list for her- let her figure this out on her own.

Also, like many other posters on here, I had no idea this was a childfree message board. I had typed into yahoo search “husband doesn’t want anymore children” and this came up. Oopsie! :) Anyways, I really appreciate your support and this changed my life and saved my marriage. Thank you.

CFSinceSix September 21, 2007 at 10:00 am

Vesta, you said doctors told you you were too young for a tubal ligation. That makes me so angry. 20 years ago when I was 19 I wanted to get a tubal. I even went to *Planned Parenthood* and they all told me I was “too young” and that I would “change my mind.”

Ooooh.. that would BURN me! How DARE they assume to know my mind! Especially since *I* have known since I was atleast 6 yrs old I didn’t want kids. (Hence my handle on this blog.)

Eventually, at age 34 or so, I was able to get a tubal. If you really want a tubal ligation to ensure that your decision to remain childfree is firm, keep trying. Keep calling doctors and find one who will give it to you.

It is an outrage how doctors try to control other peoples’ health when it is a person’s OWN responsibility to care for their health. Good luck, chica! :)

Vesta September 21, 2007 at 10:17 am

CFSinceSix: Yes it is an outrage especially since I can’t handle the hormones in oral contraceptives. I am forced to take these evil pills that throw my body into whack and I still can’t convice any drs to let me get one. They don’t even want to give me an IUD because they feel that it could complicate things. I don’t know what is being complicated about anything. I really hate the prediciment I’m in because it makes me feel helpless. I would love to go off the pill but then I’m not protected. It is hard to make a dr realize that I am indeed old enough for anything I want, I can drink, vote, smoke. But yet I can’t decide what is right for my fertility. It sucks!

Mom of 2 Boys September 21, 2007 at 10:50 am

That really sinks, vesta. You’re allowed to kill your unborn child with an abortion, but to be responsible and prevent an unwanted pregnancy in the first place by getting your tubes tied is not allowed because of your age? Where is the logic in that?! Hang in there.

Vesta September 24, 2007 at 5:07 pm

What makes matters worse, my doctor just told me that I can’t get an IUD because I have never had a kid. What the flying f$%$ is going on here? I am not allowed to make my own choice about birth control because I have never had a kid. I am going to go down to the nearest clinic and make them do it. Why the hell am i being punished?!!! I don’t understand. I am not comfortable with hormones they make me physically ill, but that doesn’t seem to bother them.

i have never been so pissed before. It is like I’m in the twilight zone. Where all the breeders are like “You can’t get what you want unless you join us. HEHEHEHE”

Britgirl September 24, 2007 at 8:42 pm

@Vesta – perhaps you can find another doctor who will do the procedure. You may need to argue your case… give a long list of reasons why you must have the procedure. Pity you have to do that, but until the closed minds become more open you’ll have to keep fighting. I agree it sucks. Big time. Also, do a Google search on Marie Stopes clinics. Good info on there.

mercurior September 25, 2007 at 2:25 am

if you are with a partner, and they agree with you, take them down. if your not, find a male friend who says they agree . they dont need to know you are not together in that way.

anything to help, get it done

CFSinceSix September 25, 2007 at 8:08 am

Mercurior, I see where you’re coming from, but respectfully I must disagree. Why should Vesta have to bring a man or a partner to get healthcare? That only promotes the idea that women are merely chattle for men, don’t know their own minds, and must have “permission.” Sorry, but no. Women are their own atonomous beings. We have a right to healthcare regardless of whether we have “man” around to “give” us permission. To continue in that path would only help to promote the idea of women not knowing their own minds or posessing their own bodies.

Vesta, is there another town you could go to? I don’t know where you are or where you live, but I do so hope you can find someone who will help you out. This is outrageous. :(

Vesta September 25, 2007 at 10:26 am

This is outrageous. And I have been with my partner for six years and my doctor knows that. It is strange to live in such a large city as Phoenix and still have the closed minds. People should learn to be more open and understanding. I find it terrible, I am loyal to this doctor because he was the one who helped me find the answer to all my UTI problems and, guess what? it was the estrogen in OC’s. But he still doesn’t think it will be a good fit for me. When in fact I think that kids aren’t a good fit for me, but I guess I don’t know what I’m saying after all, I am only a simple minded woman to most.

There has to be something done so that doctors will start listening to their female patients, with everything. My sister was going to have a baby she kept telling the doctor there was something wrong and they ignored her. Turned out the baby died in utero 3 weeks prior. I hate that women don’t have a voice, but don’t get me wrong I think that men are given a bad name too. I am just waiting for the day when men and women are truely equal in this world and each and every person has the right to say I’m childfree and not a selfish freak.

Sorry guys I had to go off on a rant for a minute, I just can’t express in words how depressing and frustrating it is. Thanks for listening to the rant.

mom of 2 boys September 30, 2007 at 3:19 pm

A girl I know had the same problem only they would’nt tie her tubes because she was too young but she had already had 2 kids! She was 19 when she had her second kid and they still wouldn’t tie her tubes because she was too “young.” She just had her third at the age of 21 and ended up getting a divorce shortly after.

When I told my husband about this he was so mad. I’ve never heard of a doctor saying no to a vesectamy. On the one hand abortion is legal but when you try to be responsible they won’t let you have control over your body. I can’t believe it’s like this in the United States.

This would be a good documentary!

Leahs_Faith October 1, 2007 at 10:33 am

Hi All,
I just want to say that up until now i had really wanted another child (i have 1 already), but i have read all the blogs and thought on this for a while now. In one of the earlier blogs it says ” I guess in the end you need to decide which situation you want more- to be married to your great love, or to go find someone who will give you the children you want.” After i read this, it kind of stopped me in my tracks. When you marry someone you love them and they will be by your side until one of you passes on. Your kids, no matter how many you have will all grow up and move away and get married and once they’re gone, all you’ll be left with is your spouse. Will it be enough? That’s what i was thinking when i read that exerpt. I want my marriage to still be rock solid and beautiful when my son goes to college or gets married or whatever. I want my husband to still look at me and tell me he loves me and I’ll know that neither of us have any regrets. I owe my change of heart to all of you that are proudly Childfree. Thank you for opening my eyes to what, until now, i had ignored. My husband is esctatic that i no longer talk about another child and i feel some relief too about not going through another pregnancy. I believe that you’re views about having both parents wanting a child is also something that changed my mind. I don’t want a daughter just for me to love. I want my marriage to be wonderful when i’m 60 or 70. When my husband is in the hospital and our son can’t make it, he shoudln’t have to rely on another child to be there to comfot him. . .because i will be there hopefully. Thank you for being what you truly want and not changing just because the world tells you that you should. I am very proud of all of you that have made this decision. Good Luck too all in your future endeavors what ever they may be and know that you have helped me and my marriage stay intact!

mercurior October 1, 2007 at 2:31 pm

well thats what a lot of parents forget, its not just 1, its both peoples lives it affects. personally if i can make one person think and say maybe we dont need child number 2 or 3 or 4, then i am happy to have been one person to have made a difference.

TiredDaddy October 17, 2007 at 10:44 pm

I just want to say thank you. there are some women out there that have an understanding of our point of view.
My wife and I have one awesomely wonderful and very energetic two year old son, and I love him with every bit of my heart. I have a child from a previous marriage (horror story), and I was very nervous at the thought of having another child. My wife plead her case, lol, and less than a year later, we have our own little bundle of joy.
I work full time, my wife works part time, and we are barely keeping up with bills. She has been wanting another child, but I don’t feel financially sound enough to take care of a second child. We have had several long fights over this, and I can’t seem to get her to see my point of view. Her argument is that kids aren’t as expensive as they seem.
There is more to it, but you get the Idea. This really bothers me, as she is definitely harboring resentment over my unwillingness to raise another child.
More disturbing, she is a member of groups that voice the same way the forum in your article do. I feel that I am overpowered, and that if I agree to have a child, it will be for the wrong reasons. But, after reading this article, it makes me feel at least a little stronger in my decision.

Thank you again.

Jb October 25, 2007 at 12:41 pm

i stumbled upon this blog by accident. all you childless people sound rather comically pathetic. i am so glad to be sitting here and not one of you people who are a part of needing each other in this small circle of support/blog to support your choices. you may want to ask yourself why you feel like attacking and insulting the people who do choose to have children. that in itself is so weird! do you know how bitter you all sound? The somewhat derogatory words you choose to use such as “breeders” etc just make your bitterness towards others who are confident and happy to have kids evident. Not that you should have kids if you don’t want them-please don’t! It’s just that you all sound deep down rather miserable! and you don’t even see it.

Britgirl October 25, 2007 at 6:15 pm

jb -Since you stumbled on our childfree space, I suggest, rather than whining about what you know nothing about about, you stumble right on out. You do sound rather pathetic.

Phoena October 29, 2007 at 12:14 pm

They never stumble upon our sites by accident — they go search for us when they are bored and lonely and are looking for an internet flame war. But at least they are amusing.

I had one recently who sought me out, sent me a snotty, condescending email, and when I replied to her, she was all upset I was “mean” and sicced her husband on me. *snicker* They are such over-grown junior high schoolers.

zxhuavatar November 3, 2007 at 10:16 pm

Just curious. Since you obviously feel so strongly about women who want more children when their husbands do not, how do you feel about this situation? I told my husband before we married that I wanted two children. I told him that having children was very important to me and he claimed to feel the same way. He agreed to having two children. I would never have married him if he hadn’t said that he felt the same way. I don’t think opposing life goals help a marriage overmuch. Lol. Now that our son is two years old I asked him about our plans to have a second child and he told me that he lied to me, that he never wanted any children at all and that he doesn’t intend to have a second. Isn’t that just as heinous as the cows that try to trick and browbeat their husbands into having more children? In this case he’s the deceiver.

CFSinceSix November 5, 2007 at 5:55 pm

zxhuavatar asked:

Now that our son is two years old I asked him about our plans to have a second child and he told me that he lied to me, that he never wanted any children at all and that he doesn’t intend to have a second. Isn’t that just as heinous as the cows that try to trick and browbeat their husbands into having more children? In this case he’s the deceiver.

Yes. It is just as heinous. Lies and deceit are never non-heinous. (For lack of a better word.)

Irony November 6, 2007 at 8:55 pm

“I can’t imagine why you are wasting your time writing here.”

Really, I can’t imagine people with no children devoting so much time to not having children. :o) Really, we parents browse the Internet looking for information about our situations because we care and want to be better parents. What are you doing?

And actually to the person that said that

“They never stumble upon our sites by accident — they go search for us when they are bored and lonely and are looking for an internet flame war. But at least they are amusing.”

Do a google search for wanting more children and this site comes up over and over again. Really. Get over yourself. :oP

Irony November 6, 2007 at 9:03 pm

Vesta- do some research on the IUDs. Your dr is not giving you one because he/she just doesn’t feel like it. It is because they do not work for women whom have never had a child. Get over yourself and your issues of males vs. females and body choices.

CFSinceSix November 7, 2007 at 10:49 am

The real irony is that you felt so compelled to actually respond. If you really cared, you’d be too busy moving on and finding websites with the information you want and were searching for.

And as for getting over ourselves, three words for you: Pot. Kettle. Black.

endeara November 10, 2007 at 1:57 pm

My husband had a son before we met. He told me early on that he didn’t want anymore children. When we began to get more serious, I brought the subject up again, telling him that I wanted to have one child of my own. He told me that he never thought he’d want another child but that he would have one with me. I would never have married him if we didn’t have that conversation. We were married in 1997, and I instantly tossed the condoms and pills in the trash. From that point forward, sex was a rarity, and when we did have it, we rarely finished, he always said he was “beat” or “too tired.” I tried talking to him about it over the years, figuring there was something wrong with me, that he no longer found me attractive, or that there was an impotence problem on his part.

He finally admitted to me last year that he essentially “shut me off” so that I could not get pregnant, figuring he’d wait for my biological clock to stop ticking. How did I feel? Betrayed, suckered, resentful, angry, sad – mostly like I got suckered. I mean, I really do love him and I know he really loves me. At 40, it’s too late – and no, I know it’s not too late for a woman my age to have a kid, but I know it’s too late for me to want to have one now…and I regret that I didn’t figure out what was going on much sooner so that he and I could have talked it out.

It’s also too late to start all over again in the dating scene. Not to mention…since this is anonymous…I can say he gave me the wonderful gift of herpes back in the beginning, but we were young and in love, so I didn’t think much of it. Now…how the hell would I be ABLE to start all over again?

I’m so sad these days, I don’t even know which way to turn. I’m embarrassed at how naive I was, and there really is not anyone to talk to. Admitting it “in real life” would be hell…to whom? How? When someone in the family asks why we didn’t have a kid…when they know I wanted one…I say “we’ve tried.” It’s an out-and-out lie, but what SHOULD I say?

To top it all off, we rarely have sex, and when we do, I initiate it. Never him anymore. I feel like a piece of shit.

People suck. Even loved ones sometimes.

Britgirl November 11, 2007 at 12:44 am

“He told me early on that he didn’t want anymore children. When we began to get more serious, I brought the subject up again, telling him that I wanted to have one child of my own.”

It would be interesting to hear his side of the story. But –
He told you early on he didn’t want any more children. You (presumably) ignored this and told him you wanted one child of your own. Why is it that when people (usually men) say this others decide not to believe them? When he said he didn’t want children, why did you stay with him when you knew you wanted one? Did you expect him to change his mind? Or did you think you would change it for him?

When my husband and I met, he told me he didn’t want children. At that point I had the opportunity to stay with him or leave. We had many conversations over many months. None of them involved me telling him I wanted a child, however I knew had I wanted one he would have had them, because he wanted to make me happy. Men are like that. Why didn’t we? Because I listened to him, to what he was saying. He said he did not want children and I believed him. And I did not want him to have a child if he didn’t want one, not even to make me happy. Neither of us would be happy unless we both wanted children. I had no great longing for them and decided they were not necessary. Years later they are still not necessary.

Yet, based on one conversation you married him, and tossed the birth control immediately? According to you he never said he WANTED children, only that he’d have one with you. And now you’re blaming him? If, as you say, you tried to have conversations about it post marriage and he evaded giving you a straight answer, most definitely he should have been honest and told you straight out. But if you didn’t listen to him initially, when he was telling you what he felt why should he believe you’d listen to anything that didn’t dovetail with you having a baby of your own? And he was telling you, you just weren’t reading the signs.

Rather than worrying about how it looks to other people, I think you need to deal with the fact that having baby with your husband is unlikely to say the least and you need to deal with how you are going to come to terms with that yourself and with him. Not sure why you care so much about what the family thinks, but the honest answer might be that your husband never wanted children in the first place. Blaming someone else for what we allow to happen to us may help in the short term, but never works long term. When you’re married it’s never just one person’s fault.

mamaelle December 29, 2007 at 12:13 am

Hello everyone. I came upon this site while searching for vasectomy reversals. I am married woman with two boys and a husband who had a vasectomy 3 years ago. I will be honest and say that before my husband had the procedure done, I had thought about every reason you have listed above as a reason women want to have more children. (I think naturally we want to have at least one girl, one boy, children to take care of us, etc.). But mutually we tried to focus more on the reason we had the kids we already did. (To watch them grow up, have their own families, be proud of their accomplishments and help them through their mistakes.) So with this newfound outlook on more children, my hubby had the procedure done. I will not lie, deep down I did not want him to have it done, not really because I felt the need to have more kids, but just because it eliminated the option to. Life can change so much in just a short amount of time, and we are finding that out the hard way. So three years later, after two promotions at work, far more income, a newly remodeled home and a great marriage, we BOTH feel a bit of a void. I guess it is a feeling you only get from being a parent. It’s strange having sex and knowing that you won’t share any more of those litle giggles like you did while trying to conceive. It’s especially hard to hear about a first smile, a first giggle, a first word, a first step, because we know we will be having no more of those either. We keep telling ourselves that we will have far more memories as our boys get older with first perfect test scores, first crushes, first dates, etc., but still a void. I have come to the conclusion that what we both feel is regret from having the procedure done AT ALL, instead of not having a third child.

So here we are, looking up what we were warned to be informed of by the doctor before my husband went in for the procedure. We were warned!…lol! With some people, the reasons for not wanting more children disappear within time. We had the procedure done because we were worried about college funds, expenses, room in the house, free time for us, etc. Of course, ANY of those things can change for the worse or the better ANY time within life. We just regret making what seems to be a permanent decision based on those things. The doctor says that the chances of us conceiving another child if we wanted to is slim after a successful reversal…so it’s like…what’s the use?

There are other options out there instead of vasectomies if you are married. We really wish we would have looked into IUDs for me before taking the big step.

Liz December 29, 2007 at 7:27 am

And you’re telling us this because. . .?

This is a childfree blog, in case you haven’t realised.

mamaelle December 29, 2007 at 11:13 am

You spelled realized incorrectly. Yes, I am aware this is a childfree blog, as I have read all of the posts. No need to point it out to sound like a smartass. I do believe the initial post was about vasectomies and wives not wanting their husbands to have them….followed by a bunch of comments. I was responding to that, not you. There is a separation between not wanting more/any children and vasectomies.

Regret is something no coulda/woulda/shoulda fixes. But to each their own. It could be just as easy to regret having kids as it would be to regret not having them. My brother and his wife have no plans to have children and are very open about it. If I was going to try to preach to anyone, it would be them, not the masses.

In a marriage, nothing gets resolved if one can not say what they mean and mean what they say. The women in the original post obviously do not understand that concept. It’s pretty damn sad that they can not take a word for what it is. In our case, I didn’t want hubby to have it done, but instead we chose to look on what the future holds with the kids we already have. There are women out there who don’t feel the NEED to have more kids, but just the option to later down the road if hubby feels the same way.

The marriages in the original post will probably end in divorce due to the lack or respect by both parties.

Liz December 29, 2007 at 1:40 pm

Mamaelle, I spelled realised the European way, hon cos that’s where I live. Take that into account before you go snottily pointing trivial things out. And you honestly didn’t seem to be aware that this is a childfree blog, judging by the breederific tone of your post.

And is your identity so subsumed by your kids you can’t even leave them out of your screen name? Just asking!

Britgirl December 29, 2007 at 1:52 pm

Mamaelle – If you really have read all the posts that appearing here to tell us about how there are options to reverse vasectomies, how you apparently miss having sex without the option to conceive, how you feel a void that seemingly you want to fill with additional children – is completely irrelevant and off-topic as far as the original post and this blog is concerned. Either that or you didn’t really understand the post, and only wanted to drop in “the things you can only know as a parent…”

And as for throwing out jibes to tell other posters they are being a “smart-ass” or other similar rude line… don’t go there. When you post here your comments are to every other reader on this blog (many I might add have been here a good deal longer than you have). Read my disclaimer and either seek to comply with it or don’t post comments.

And for the record. Realise is spelled with an “s” or “z”. “Z” is North American and “s” is UK, where either is acceptable.

mercurior December 30, 2007 at 4:26 pm

i realise that its a specialised thing, i dont want to chastise you but its an exercise i surmise, just so there is no surprise (btw i live in the UK)

To go from your point mamaelle, you have a nice house not much of a mortgage, plenty of room a nice way of life.. unfortunatly kiss all that goodbye, once you have another child.

“But mutually we tried to focus more on the reason we had the kids we already did. (To watch them grow up, have their own families, be proud of their accomplishments and help them through their mistakes.) ” what about your accomplishments, giving back to the community or are you just going to live vicariously through your children. what about the quality of life for your other 2 children, with a new kid, taking all the time and money and love from them.

be honest, the only reason why you are having kids is that you are selfish and want a life form totally dependant on you till its 4 or whatever.. to fill a void in your life, cant anything else do that animals, old people, adoption, sponsoring a child abroad, but you want a dna replicant, that is totally selfish.

Mom of 2 Boys January 3, 2008 at 10:00 pm

Move on. I believe everything happens for a reason so it isn’t good dwelling on a choice you made that you regret. Have you ever thought about adopting a liitle girl who doesn’t have a home? Maybe that is what you were meant to do. Like Mercurior said- use that energy to help your community and quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Jenn January 15, 2008 at 4:19 am

I came across this site by searching on google using the search term “husband asking why i want more children”.

I have read most of the posts on here and gone through anger, defensiveness, understanding, questioning, and many more emotions. Probably the same way I have been dealing with my feelings with my husband over his wanting to wait to have more children or even discuss it.

I firstly need to address one issue that is bothering me with this blog. You keep saying it is obvious that it is a CF blog, but in the title bar, it says nothing about that. In your top banner nothing. The only two places I have seen any mention to that is the write up on the right of your site (which I didn’t originally look at because I just was reading the posts b/c that’s what google brought me to) and within the posts. So, I guess my only thing about saying it is obvious that it is, it isn’t until you read through a lot of posts.

Okay, so back to my original reason for being here. I was searching for answers that I can not explain on why I want another child. My husband and I have been back and forth on this issue for a while (as you can guess, I am for and he isn’t).

This blog has actually made me think that there is good reason to think about why I want more children. I do not have the answer, at least not yet. I am NOT out to trick my husband into having more kids. If he doesn’t want anymore, then I can not and will not force him to do this. It is unfare to him, to our twins, to myself.

Have I had thoughts of doing all of those things??? Yes, and I believe now that it was in desperation of having to answer the question of why I want more. Because I can’t. I have a loving relationship with my husband, my kids, and myself.

I know my husband will be happy that I have read your post. I obviously need to do some soul searching, more communication with hubby and enjoy life as it is right now.

I was originally searching ways to put into words “why I want more children”, which my husband asked me to do. The fact of the matter is, I can’t actually answer that, other than to say I liked being pregnant, I loved having newborns, I love our girls…is this selfish? Not sure, don’t care, but obviously needs more reflection than, I want what i want when I want it.

Thank you for your blog, whether I am on side with all of the views or not. You have made me reflect on what I need to do.

Now, you can start bashing me…hee.
JT

FedUpWithBadParents January 15, 2008 at 7:03 am

Mamaelle
I’d suggest you learn internet etiquette before you decide to write on any boards. Even if you disagree with the viewpoint of a chatboard there are ways of arguing a point without coming across as a troll. I do appreciate –from the tone of your post that you are evidently one of those rare-but sadly loud US citizens who thinks the world begins and ends with America. Lesson 1 – English-the language you are meant to understand was spoken in the UK before the USA ever came into being. The UK had an empire before the US was born. We’re a small island I know. But it was the birthplace of the language you use-and being apart by several thousand miles there will be differences in how it is used. That’s called evolution-it happens in languages dear girl. Otherwise we’d all be talking in grunts because we wouldn’t have evolved a language. Unless of course that’s what you normally use. Lesson 2 – s is often used here in the UK where the US will use z. And I don’t see that the country that gave birth to Shakespeare, Milton and Keats should take lessons in its own language from someone who shows herself to be a dumb red-neck hill-billy troll.

Britgirl January 15, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Jen – Thanks for the compliment! If visiting this blog made you stop and reflect then that’s always good – whatever you decide. Few people even think of questioning why they want children and part of what this blog does is question this and highlight the impact it has on people, whether they are married single, childed or childfree. You’ll see from the number of responses to this post (and its sister post) that the issue of one person of a couple wanting children when the other doesn’t is almost always a source of anguish in some way, shape or form. From a childfree point of view we always get questioned as to why we DON’T want kids. Anyway, all the best in your reflections.

As to Like It Is being a childfree blog…it is very clear when you read through even a few of the posts, as well as it being in the right side-bar of every page. I look at it this way… commenting on any blog (however you arrive) is like entering a conversation or going to someone’s home. Before joining in I generally “listen” to the conversation by reading some posts and comments, see what people have said, read a couple of recent posts… see who lives here and then see if I want to comment, so that when I add to the conversation it adds something – even if it’s a different point of view.

Jenn January 16, 2008 at 2:55 am

Britgirl,
Your site has been very much on my mind since I last posted and my husband and I have have talked more. I suppose I knew in my heart that everything needed more discussion but couldn’t find the right way to express my feelings to him (and I assume him towards me). As I mentioned, your site made me look at truths other people wouldn’t/couldn’t say to me. Also, it is WAY more personal coming from the person I was trying to “convince” that we had to have more children. I would appreciate if people don’t think of me as a bad person because of this, but you will think what you will. We all go through a moment/time of desperation. I have yet to come to why I am in that state, but do know that I love my girls more than life, I do know that I also love myself and my husband the same way.

I have recently discovered that he is under the impression that he thinks I am basing how many children I want on how many were in my family. Fair point, but I have been keeping from him I wanted a much larger family than I had (which means even bigger than he grew up with – he is a twin).

I know this is completely the wrong blog to write on about this, but it is a very different point of view from other people I speak with. Which is what I feel I need right now. Even if just for knowledge, point of view, …basically…just information.

Again, I repeat what i said the other night. While I choose to have children and the majority of people on this blog don’t…we all have our reasons and understanding this is making my life a little bit richer with a newer, updated view on what I want and need in life.

Thank you again
JT

lisa February 7, 2008 at 2:30 pm

I have one daughter who is 2 and have been with my partner a year, who has 2 children 10 and 13, when we met, he knew i wanted more children and i knew he didnt, but we fell in love, it wasnt a problem to start with, but now i dont know if i can live without having another, I also want my daughter to have a sibling (the other two will be left home by the time my daughter is 10, and i need to be pregnant and have another child, its the most amazing thing in the world. My partner says “no no no” firmly, i try to acept it for all the reasons posted too, but i know i will live to regrett and will always feel sick when someone says they are pregnant or have just given birth, i will always wonder if i had found another man who i would love and he would love me, that wanted to have my child, but didnt.
Its really hard…I want to be with my partner we are so much in love and have a fantastic relationship, but i cant talk myself out of something which is a biological need, I did want 3 but im happy to settle with 2, but not having any more is so sad, i hope he changes his mind, my friend said he didnt want anymore children a year ago, was certain, now he says he has changed his mind, it can happen, i just dont think it will to me,
you dont know how happy i would be if he announced he wanted us to try for a baby, would be the best feeling ever, i can only dream x

for all of you who choose not to have children you can go ahead and critisise but i know there will be hundreds of women like me who googled “i want more children he doesnt” who will understand me, we are not alone x

mercurior February 7, 2008 at 3:59 pm

lisa, you dont know how you can live without having another child. first thats selfish of you, you have put your needs for a child beyond your husbands, you expect him to change his mind. YOU need to be pregnant and have another child.

one question … WHY? ask yourself the real reason WHY?

wow, “but im happy to settle with 2″ settling for 2.. its all about what you want, i admit he is a fool for falling in love with someone he knew was suffering from baby rabies. but you are equally a fool because you thought you would change him.

mercurior February 7, 2008 at 4:06 pm

if he wont change and you wont, kiss your marriage goodbye.. if you force him to have a child he will resent it and you. its such a fantastic relationship you want to essentially destroy it for your obsession over having another child.

Britgirl February 7, 2008 at 9:58 pm

Lisa – you sound like a rabbit breeder who can’t stop rutting. Biological need indeed. You “need” to be pregnant? You need to get a grip. I feel very sorry for your husband, who if he doesn’t watch out is probably going to be badly surprised one day. I’m tempted to delete your self-serving comment but I shall leave it here so that everyone can see how foolish you are.

Since I’m tired of wasting my time even reading about breeders who can’t seem to stop spilling their collective guts about they think they’ll die if they don’t breed, there won’t be any similar comments on this thread.

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