“My husband tells me today that he made an appt. to get a vasectomy because he doesn’t want anymore children. We have two wonderful sons that we both adore more then life itself but I have always dreamed of having a daughter since I was a little girl. I wanted to keep trying for her..”
I came across an interesting forum thread through following a Google search term used to find Like It Is. I thought that it made an interesting read coming shortly after my article
Men, Vasectomies and the Childfree Choice. This article isn’t so much about childfree men as much as men who don’t want any more kids and are having vasectomies to ensure they don’t make any more additions to the world.
Tip – I’ve provided excerpts, but you need to read the responses in the thread. (I have also left the excerpts exactly as is in terms of spelling etc.)
Reading both the original poster’s question and the responses I was amazed. Amazed at the utter selfishness on the part of most of the responders in the thread. I wondered if this was a typical or unusual scenario. And I felt dead sorry for the men. At least a vasectomy is an option. Although if a resentful wife or partner has to sign the papers, their chances might be less than optimal. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.
Here’s the text of the forum question. I thought, given my article on men and vasectomies, this was a very interesting find.
“My husband tells me today that he made an appt. to get a vasectomy because he doesn’t want anymore children. We have two wonderful sons that we both adore more then life itself but I have always dreamed of having a daughter since I was a little girl. I wanted to keep trying for her. I have a great relationship with my Mom she is my best friend and I wanted to have that relationship with a daughter of my own one day. Am I being selfish for getting angry at him for not wanting to try for a daughter? please help, I’m so confused!!”
Now, read the responses. If you can do so without feeling as disgusted as I did. I wondered why these couples were even together, since communication or consideration seemed to be in critically short supply and one-way at best and in only one direction.
One key thing jumped out at me was that in almost all the cases the women already had children but wanted more. Some had boys and wanted to hold out for a girl. One had three boys but wanted a 4th. The men not only did not want more children, but had, in some cases gone along with having the first few children despite their reluctance and misgivings. Seems all the women wanted to do was keep breeding regardless of whether the men wanted to or not.
How about this?
“I have been with a man for 9 years and we have 3 boys. I really wanted to have a 4th child but i had the desicion forced on me!! I asked him only one more time before he went for his appointment and you know what he said the me?? ” I dont give a F*** i dont want anymore brats running around the house. So F*** off” My heart sank. I REALLY want another child. I have always wanted to have 4 since i was a child. So to be told that i was so hurt.”
I don’t think he could have put it any more plainly. Yet it seems the message still wasn’t getting through… after all isn’t “wanting 4 kids since you were a child” enough reason to keep breeding them? Apparently so.
And from Yapper:
“…My friends and family and all having children and the more they have make more even more desperate and more unhappy at the thought of not having a child. I truly thought I loved my husband enough to fulfil my heart, I hate saying this but he doesn’t. So I spend a little from time to time on clothes, etc etc etc and going out, but I stay in night in and night out with my husband and if I have a baby I am sure this would change my whole outlook on life.”
Right. A baby will change her pathetic outlook on life. Somehow I doubt it. Perhaps her first step should be getting a life.
Shannon – wants more children and while her husband is quite content with the one they already have:
“…I feel so much resentment towards my husband and I don’t know how to handle it. He doesn’t want to talk about it any more, he made is desicion and if I bring it up he gets mad. I love my husband very much but lately I almost hate him for the way he has made me feel. He says that I don’t have a good reason for wanting another baby and that I am being selfish. I don’t want to make him have a baby he doesn’t want because that wouldn’t be fair to the baby.
I wonder what part of “ I don’t want another child” is so hard to understand. She’s almost hating her husband because he doesn’t want more kids. Yet, she says she doesn’t want to make him have a baby because it wouldn’t be fair to it. So, I suppose what she wants for him to miraculously want more kids…guess she’d be happy then.
The view from a guy – Orwell:
“…just wanted to add: I am super involved in both my daughter’s lives. I’m the one who gets up with them every morning at six, makes their breakfasts, drives them to school, etc. My wife still has insomnia and hip/back problems from the second child (who is 2 1/2). Every pregnancy has been hard and the recovery for my wife afterwards has been grueling. Our second daughter only slept in 1-2 hour bursts from the time she was 4 months to 2 years old. We were emotionally and physically exhausted every single day. I went into a deep depression after my second daughter was born. My wife still resents me for that (even though I got up every day and took care of the kids, did my work, worked on the house, volunteered at church, etc.) She had to live under a dark cloud of my depression.
“But part of the depression was triggered by the fact that RIGHT after the birth of our second child, she immediately started talking about having a third one! (One way or the other, I am getting a vasectomy.) I feel trapped in an endless cycle of work & childcare. Plus, she is talking about wanting to move cities again, how unhappy she is, etc. I don’t respect men who deny their wives the chance to have one child to love… but women: We aren’t all callous, selfish louts. I was scared of having the first child (and the second one.) We’ve sorta maybe overcome some hurdles, but at some point, aren’t my fears justified? “
Your fears are justified, just not taken into consideration by your wives who can’t seem to prevent themselves from breeding.
I have to say I was rather taken aback by the resentment and bitterness expressed in the threads by the women towards their husbands/partners. Clearly, the overall feeling is that the men are selfish for denying them their wish to continue breeding.
We never really hear much about what men feel about having more kids even though they really may not want to. The particular forum thread is an old one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this issue is more than a little responsible for divorces down the line.