Comments on: Think Before You Breed – A Reader’s Story

By: Lee

Lee — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 20:55:06 +0000

AF, I don’t know if you are still reading this blog, but I found your story heartbreaking. I am very sorry for what you endured with your parents. I’m not an expert in the field of psychology, but the behavior you describe sounds like your mother suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. It often occurs simultaneously with an eating disorder. You are well rid of that. I hope that you are enjoying the good and happy life you deserve.

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By: Hillari

Hillari — Tue, 22 May 2007 19:36:57 +0000

Yes, living with my mother was no picnic by any stretch of the imagination, either. I can relate. I remember Mom saying, however, that if my parents had not divorced, my dad probably would have saddled her with three or four more kids. He told her that he got along better with her when she was pregnant. I believe he felt that was a way to control her. He also wanted boys as he felt girls were too much “trouble” to deal with. Then my brothers died young and he had to deal with the daughters which he failed miserably at doing.

By: timethief

timethief — Tue, 22 May 2007 02:21:25 +0000

@AF
Your story resonates because it’s so much like my own: “… my mom only used me to be made into a perfected version of herself. To live vicariously through me. Every accomplishment I have made in my life was looked upon with extreme jealousy by my mom. ”

I’m truly sorry to hear what you went through. I was shocked to read that your mother affected identical behaviours to those of my own mother.

I am the eldest of five children. The youngest two are 10 and 12 years younger than I am. My mother divided our family into “the girls” and “the boys” with horrific consequences. In essence, I became a “mother” to my younger brothers as well as my sister.

Not a single sibling escaped my family home without being emotionally damaged due to the artificial “yours” and “mine” split. And like yourself I chose to remain childfree.

By: Britgirl

Britgirl — Tue, 22 May 2007 01:54:26 +0000

Michala – thanks very much!

By: Anne-Marie

Anne-Marie — Tue, 22 May 2007 01:04:03 +0000

Dear AF,
Thanks so much for telling your story. It was heartbreaking to read, and I hope your words can enlighten or educate people. Human relations are so fragile and complex, I often wonder why we need licenses for cars but not for the most consequential decision we can make, which is to bring another life into the world.

By: Michala

Michala — Mon, 21 May 2007 08:12:45 +0000

To Liz
I have heard that the reason why mothers and daughters are supposed to be best friends is that they are both women, and women are supposed to be nurturing. Another reason explored in the book “When you and your mother can’t be friends” by Victoria Secunda, is “The Bad Mommy Taboo.” You are not allowed to say anything bad about your mother because mothers are thought to be the pillars of the community (and because society romantizises motherhood and puts mothers on a pedestal).

To AF
Im very sorry for what you went through. I had many problems with my mother when I went through puberty, but fortunally, we managed to resolve our communicative problems (with a therapists assistance). I cannot imagine how painful it must be to have such a destructive mother.

To Britgirl
Love your blog! Stumbled upon it yesterday, by chance. I think you write very thoughtful, but still understandable. Keep up the good work!

Sorry about the long post. And sorry for any grammar errors. English is not my native language.

By: Liz

Liz — Sun, 20 May 2007 15:42:05 +0000

AF, thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry you had such an awful time growing up. I wonder: why is society so reluctant to talk about the frequently toxic relationship between mothers and daughters? Judging from my own personal experience and what I’ve heard from others, women are often far harder on their daughters than men can ever be.

By: Kath

Kath — Sat, 19 May 2007 23:13:56 +0000

My heart goes out to her for what she went thru. Sad how a parent’s selfish motives can create pure hell for their children.

And this quote is absolutely brilliant and needs to be drummed into the heads of everyone..male and female..that has the ability to procreate :

“Think beyond yourself when you decide to bring others into this world. It’s not all about you and your wants and needs.”