I Want A Baby, But My Husband Doesn’t…
26 05 2007No, it isn’t quite the same as the previous articles, but it is eerily similar. I came across this particular Google search: “how do I make my husband want kids” and it led me to this message board. A woman wants a baby and her husband doesn’t.
She posted on the Women’s Sexual Health – Australian Health Message boards. I had a sinking feeling as I read the question, but I was appalled at the responses, which ranged from “your husband is a selfish man with no thought for your needs,” to “leave him,” to “you should go and find someone to do the job while your husband is abroad,” to “poke holes in the condom, to “leave him, but get pregnant and prepare to bring up the child on your own…”
Simply awful. John Hanson in his comment on this blog yesterday is not far off. For some women (and if the responses on the board are representative, more than just a few) babies, not their husbands – and certainly not their partners – come first. No babies, the husband’s value is negligible, judging by the feedback. This is sad. Very sad.
The writer of the question (to her credit) was also appalled and said so, although, in my view, her fundamental problem is that she wants to force her husband to want baby when he doesn’t want one.
Below is my response to the thread. I’ll probably be called selfish for even mentioning that I’m childfree…but I felt had to say something.
Re: I want a baby, but my husband doesn’t:
The fact that you want a child does not mean you have to have one. There are many things we want and cannot have. If you were the one who didn’t want a child and your husband did, how would you feel if he tried to make you change your mind? Like you I am appalled at some of the responses here.
You cannot make someone want something they don’t. You cannot make them feel something they do not. That is trying to control another’s choice. Unless you got married to him for the sole reason of having children, your husband, not a baby, comes first - he is the one you married - not a baby. It seems that you are trying to force him down a road he clearly does not want to go down, probably with good reasons of his own.
You expect him to accept what you want, however you don’t seem to be willing to accept his. If he gives in (yes, gives in) to your pressure, it does not bode well for either you, the child or your marriage. I presume he will be expected to care for and support the child. If a child is not fully wanted by both parents, it isn’t fair to bring it into the world… children can tell when they are not wanted. You are not thinking of the child here you are thinking that you want a baby.
For the record, I’m childfree. Early on, I knew if I insisted my husband would have had kids and he would have tried his very best to be a good father. But I also knew he didn’t really want children, never had. You don’t put someone you love under that kind of pressure (that’s my view anyway) and I was not dead set on kids anyway. Now we are happily childfree. I would not sacrifice our marriage for babies.
I wish you well.
Technorati Tags: childfree, marriage
i think its a sad comment on the times we live in. the negative portrayal in tv, in films, in life, all seem to be turning more and more men into walking wallets. men are no longer needed, once the donation happens, thats it.. no regard no love just i have what i want you men can go and work till you die, i got what i wanted.
i think a lot of men dont think about it, we just go along with it.
Even though I’ve always been a feminist, these breeder women make me wonder why. They have the mentality of children i.e. they sulk and throw tantrums when they can’t get their own way. Hasn’t anyone ever told them you can’t have everything you want?
I also find it extremely sad that after decades of feminism, these women willingly give up what women struggled so hard for: the right to earn their own living. Once they find a wallet,they give up work completely or if they stay, they expect everyone else (especially the CF) to pick up the slack.
If I were a man, I think I’d get the snip. . .
I think there’s more to all of this than we perhaps are realising. As a teacher who doesn’t have children, I can tell you that there’s been a real shift in the general population in the last ten or so years, and I see it in the students and parents, which probably means you can find it a lot of adults, whether they have kids or not. People nowadays are, I think, more selfish than they were when I started teaching in 1990. There seems to be a “I want therefore I am entitled to get” attitude that wasn’t so prevalent when I started, and certainly did not exist when I was growing up or even a young adult. It almost seems like the new mentality is that if you wish for something, then miraculously, Captain Picard’s voice is in the back, ordering “Make it so,” and everyone is expected to get with the program whether they want to or not.
These days, there is a loss of patience for things that don’t go one’s way and a general inability to accept that you don’t always get what you want. I’m not saying we’re all like that, of course I am generalising, but the cult of the individual is upon us and these situations, unfortunately, are part of the result. There is definitely an air of entitlement in these cases, and a belief that the word “No” has been erased from the dictionary except to use for others.
My 2c anyway.
even the 80’s and the consumerism then, isnt as bad as it it now. its just shifted focus and intensified.
liz i use the word feminist as a term of abuse/derision, because i have found as a man, that the totally worthwhile goal of equality and parity to men, has been corrupted by, self serving groups, who do not actually care for the people they fight for. they only care about power for themselves..
i know its a cynical way of thinking but i am rarely wrong. so the decent women and men who wants TRUE equality, i call equalist’s, the corruption of the feminist ideal has been going on for years, so today we get young women wanting it all, all the benefits and non of the drawbacks to having children. they send them to nurseries, then knidergarten then school, and after school clubs, then in the free time they use tv or computers.
so they have children and the cash benefits, but they dont actually have to engage with the children. it really started a generation ago, they started to abrogate their power to other individuals, and these are the parents of todays youngsters.
when you cant punish bad children, when children cant fail its a deferred success, when even sports for children are always played to draw, there are no losers, but there are no winners, no sense of accomplishment, so what do these children do, they have to acquire the new thing, regardless of cost (we used to do it when i was a child, but its gotten worse). and so the grasping hands are out, for the next gen.
I agree that we live in an age of “the individual”. This woman seems to be totally obsessed with her own selfishness and ready to bully her husband right out of their marriage. What a dummy.
People should agree on what they want before they get and since you can’t preplan out the entire course of a marriage; you should only marry someone with a similar life philosophy.
A child should not be brought into the world into a house hold were he/she is not fully wanted. This woman needs to wait until a time when her husband feels good about having a child as well.
http://www.blackperspective.net
mercurior - it’s very destructive that the “men are not important” message is being pushed and worse that some actually believe it. You will find my next post interesting.
Liz - I think that feminism, intentionally or otherwise has actually enabled women to be more dismissive of men, except for where they view them absolutely necessary (e.g. for money), by bending almost everything in favour of women and children at the expense of men. So they feel, that if a man stands in the way of what they want, then the way around that isn’t to reconsider what they want, it’s to bulldoze or bully him into submission - or leaving. What’s more disturbing is that a large proportion of women support the “if he doesn’t want children he must be made to see the error of his ways, so just have one and he’ll come round” mantra. No wonder we have a stratospheric divorce rate - not to mention messed up kids.
Anne-Marie - This is a great point and I agree. I just never thought that the entitlement virus had made things as bad as this. The scary thing about this individualistic entitlement is that the women seem prepared to sacrifice their marriage, bully and/or betray their husbands if need be and risk a child being unwanted all in order to temporarily assuage their “need” for a baby”… in other words they are prepared to hurt someone else as long as they get what they want. No doubt that’s exactly what they’ll teach their kids too.
Yobachi - yes - and she also needs to accept the fact that he may also never feel good about having a child.
I agree completely with Anne-Marie. I’ve noticed that since my generation (I’m 33) parents seem less willing to discipline and tell their children “NO”. My boyfriend and I see kids everyday walk right over their parents, proceeding to say the most outrageous things, and the parents then bend over backwards to placate them. What will happen when these kids “mature” into adults (epecially the “me-first” generation that is taking the stage now)? Until kids are taught to consider other people’s feelings and points of view, major issues like this are bound to occur in their adult lives (and lets not get into how this impacts other issues such as politcs, religion, enviromental concerns).
Horrifying.
theres another board similar to the one you posted here
in essence its the same story, and the same things mentioned,
one commentor said
“Have more babies. Your husband is jealous because he is a big baby. Maybe having more kids will help him grow up.” and ” just get pregnant anyway, when he sees that little baby he will be so proud and would have forgotten that he didn´t want a kid before.” it happens more than people think.. never mind the man, he doesnt count
http://www.godlikeproductions.com/bbs/message.php?page=1&messageid=182052&showdate=4/29/07&mpage=1
Carisa - it makes me cringe. And these are the kids who the parents think will go and visit them when their old and in a nursing home… at least that’s the presumption. We’re told, meanwhile, that in not having kids (presumable like theirs) we are missing out big time. If the kids can’t treat their parents with respect at this age, I think the parents can forget about them doing so when they’re old.
my situation I think is diferent..I want a baby..not now but in the near future but my husband dont want a babie..I though he is selfish becuse he has one already from his first marriage….I want my own…please help me to find answers…he already told me that he is 99% sure that he doesnt want babies…What can I do?
You can believe him when he says he is 99% sure he doesn’t want a baby.
I find these points of views very interesting. I am in the situation where I married an older woman (I am 28 now, and she is 32). Before we were even engaged when we first started out in our relationship we discussed the kid thing. I was very honest when I told her they weren’t for me. I was 23 at the time. I told her it could be my age but I doubt my feelings will change. So here I am 28, 5 years later and she is ready. I am not, she knows I am not. Whenever I here the word pregnant I cringe.
I know all the sayings; “oh, it’s different when you have your own”, or “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old” Now, the first statement I do believe to hold some merit, yes of course it is going to be different when they are your children, but they are still living humans that you must take care of 100% and if you are not willing to put them first and THE WANT to give them your whole heart then you will regret it and you could end up giving Oprah another episode of “Daddy didn’t really want me but Mommy made him do it and now I am a self mutilating lesbian with a record 800 body piercings” (no offense to any lesbians who are into self mutilation with 800 body piercings who had perfect loving parents who are just wierd that way), and the other comment kind of makes me sick, I plan on taking care of myself when I am older, and what I mean is setting myself up financially to where I do not have to rely on the government or my children to support me. Ok, I am getting off track, I could type for days on this but my lunch is only 30 minutes.
Basically this weekend she put it in perspective for me, without really discussing this issue she flat out told me that if I didn’t give here a child then she would not stay with me. She is acting like everything is normal now but I am very closed right now scared to death that my marriage is about to end.
We have accomplished a tremendous ammount for people our age in such a short amount of time. Life is full, busy, fun, and the future looks great. Which means that I like it right where I am at, my career, her career, our house, our property, our posessions, life can stay on this same track and I will have a complete and happy life. HOWEVER, will she? Will I? Will I regret that I didn’t have kids when I am a senior citizen? Maybe, but nothing in my life is missing, and if the only thing I can think of is regretting them when I am old, and my thoughts on how much I will regret being talked into having them, I think the one outweighs the other tremendously. As for her, the statement someone said earlier about not having everything you want made sense to me only because I think my wife only wants kids to have them.
I have seen her with others kids, she has no patience, I just don’t think she will make a good mother, and I know that sounds really terrible and I should be telling this to her or a professional and not on some website blog I found on google, but I needed an outlet and just to be typing these things whether I push the POST button or not has taken some stress off myself.
So I am going to post this, I am a man in the predicament where I don’t want children, my wife does and will leave me for it if necessary. Am I really the selfish one? Any comments are welcome, if you want to yell at me or give me advice I am fine with that. What I am going to tell all who reads is that I am currently looking into a counselor so I can get everything out in the open and discuss my concerns and perhaps get to the root of why I don’t want kids so she can understand my stand point, I am not going to let this boil over into a divorce. If it does end up that she wants to leave me to find some quick hubby who wants to have babies with her 10 minutes into the relationship then so be it, I can’t control what she wants, I can only try to show her all I have already given her and sacrificed and if that isn’t good enough then again, I am not the man for her. Thank you all for letting me vent.
ok thomas, i would ask your wife, WHY, does she want a child, what are her reasons, her justifications etc. get her to thinka bout the negatives of having a child, putting on weight, stretch marks, possible tearing, then the other problems, the bleeding that can go on for months if not years after birth, the lack of sleep, the lack of time to do anything,
tell her about the possible problems, just so you and she can see the reasons for wanting a child. is it peer pressure, do her parents want to have grandkids, go through it calmly, and rationally. explain to her this. if after all this discussion, this working out the pro’s and cons to having a child. then i am afraid, you have to say goodbye to her. you cant compromise on having a child, if you cave in and she has it, you may not like it the child will sense this, and it could end the marriage later.
thats my thoughts, hope things work out for you my friend,
ok Karina, since he has had one, he knows the problems, if you want a child at any cost, then leave him, and find someone who wants one with you. and as above, work out your reasons why you want a child. is there a good reason other than i want one.
Thomas - thanks for posting this. I really do feel for you. While I can’t tell you what to do, my feeling is that if you don’t want a child you don’t. I know many men simply go along for a quiet life, (or to save their relationship) but I would question what the relationship is built on, if one half of it holds the other to ransom demanding they get what they want or else. I think many people - women in particular never question the fact that they want to have children, and never even consider for a moment that they won’t or that they should not. Even though you were honest from the start and said you didn’t want them, it’s clear your wife either didn’t believe you or thought she could change you mind - with threats if need be. I personally find it hard to understand how someone can say they love their spouse, who is is supposed to be number one in their eyes, and in the same breath threaten to leave them if they don’t give in to their need for a child. I think your wife is being unreasonable and doesn’t seem to even want to consider your feelings on an issue that is so crucial. She’s not only being selfish, but manipulative, which to me is worse.
Personally, there are enough unwanted children in the world to prove beyond a doubt that if children are not 100% wanted it is unwise to have them. They deserve 100% (at least) of both their parents love and affection from the start. They have a right to it and they depend on it. If it is missing they know and, as you’ve mentioned it affects them, big time.
It is clear that you don’t want children. So you shouldn’t have them. You should trust your instincts, your gut feeling. There will of course be many who are probably advising your wife to either give you an ultimatum or you to simply have them and you will “come round once the baby is born”. I don’t think you will surprised to when I say that’s a recipe for disaster. As for whether you will regret not having them… you cannot know what you will feel years into the future and it’s not up to a child to be the insurance for that. Chances are you won’t. But even if you do, so what? I think it is worse to have kids, knowing you didn’t really want them and regret having them and worse to allow yourself to be talked into doing something you know you don’t want to do. As for resentment? Very likely if you feel you have been forced into having a child as a way to save your marriage.
I think if your wife was thinking of THE CHILD rather than her desire for a baby, whatever the reason for this desire, she might think that it isn’t such a good idea to have a child whose Dad doesn’t want to.
At the end of the day, if your wife is saying give me kids or I’m leaving, you may well be faced with having to call her bluff. Start thinking about that as a potential outcome. I hope is doesn’t come to that. Talk to a counselor, but you and your wife should be talking - not about a compromise, but about understanding where you are both coming from. She should be listening to you. She may not agree, but she should listen. I don’t recall where in the marriage vows it mentions that a partner not wanting to parent is reason to leave a marriage. She may find another person to have babies with, (though many men will also go running in the opposite direction perhaps) but it’s mutual love that makes a marriage not a need for babies. And she will lose your love, your support and everything you’ve built together (and that you, at least value, not so sure she appears to). Everything is not normal and I would with perhaps some counseling help) push the issue to get some resolution.
For the record, finding true love and the right partner is so hard these days that I am constantly amazed that people are ready to throw it away on a selfish whim. Vows seem to mean nothing.
You are not the selfish one, your wife is. She knew when you met how you felt and decided it didn’t matter. We live in a baby-centric society so of course, you will be told you are selfish and a hell of a lot worse. I wouldn’t let that bother you.
As we’ve said, we can’t always get what we want. I grew up thinking I’d have children… some day. When I met my husband I had to re-examine those assumptions, which had never been challenged, because he did not want children. If I had thought it was going to be a big issue for me I probably would not have married him, but I knew that he would have had them if I had really really wanted them. I didn’t think it was fair to force him into something his heart was not in, so we talked for quite a while over a long time… and I discovered that having kids wasn’t a big deal for me. He (and our relationship) was the most important thing. The rest is history.
I’m very sorry you’re in such a situation and thank you for sharing your story here. I suspect you are not the only man in this situation. I’m glad you vented and I do hope it works out for you for whatever is for your highest good.
I read these posts with interest, as I am in a similar situation where I would like to have children but my husband does not. I would never threaten to leave him if he didn’t agree to have children, but find everyone’s comments interesting: it seems that the general consensus is if one partner is feeling that he or she has to “give in” to the other’s wish, then the other partner is being selfish. However, consider this: if one partner really wants to have children, and the other does not, and the partner that wants a child decides that in order to maintain a happy relationship he/she must give up having a child - is that necessarily healthy? How is that compromising? It’s not a question of one being selfish, I think - it’s a question of personal goals, needs, expectations. I don’t think my husband is being selfish for not wanting children, and I don’t think I am selfish for wanting them. I think we both have expectations for what we want out of life and that they are both different.
Having said that, it is not easy for me knowing that he will never willingly consent to children. I think I would make a wonderful mother, and having children has always been part of my life plan. for the record, I believe that he would also be a good father, and though it does frustrate me, I respect that he does not want children. It doesn’t make it easy - what do we do now? Where do we go from here? Should I believe that if I want children, I shouldn’t be the denied the ability to have them? Or would I be considered “selfish” for thinking this? Should he continue to believe if he doesn’t want children, he shouldn’t have to have the? Funny how most would say that HE is NOT being selfish in thinking this…when his want is just as valid as mine.
if you read your post, you will see its I think, I want.
“I think I would make a wonderful mother, and having children has always been part of my life plan. for the record, I believe that he would also be a good father” but he may know in his heart of hearts he would make a bad father, is his opinion less than yours.
if having a child is so important, that you will willingly, and with malice force him to have a child he doesnt want, then you are not destined to be together, if you have a child, how is he compromising, a child is forever, if you dont, how are you compromising. a compromise is when both people get something out of it, if he doesnt want children, and you have one, how does that equate to what he wants.
having a loved child is a thing that BOTH people need to agree on.
why are you so interested in having a child, thats the question you have to ask yourself, if he doesnt want children how far are you willing to go to satisfy your desire. will you have an affair and get pregnant like so many women do, or poke holes in condoms, how much is it worth to you to have a child.
if you do have a child, he may love it, but equally he may not, and start to resent it, could you cope with him not caring about you or the child. in this situation, a lot of marriages fail. its a betrayal of trust.
you cannot compromise when it comes to bringing a child into the world. there is no compromise, you cant have half a child, its a either/or situation.
you have it or you dont. but is your desire for a child so strong that you will ignore his beleif that he will be a bad father.
TOgirl - you have stated many of the classic reasons people give for having children. That they simply want one, they think they would make wonderful mothers (or fathers), they are sure their spouses would make wonderful fathers(or mothers) and they think that wanting something = entitlement to have it. These reasons are probably the reasons most people bring kids into the world. I hear very little about the child and how damaging it is likely to be if one parent does not want them or resents them. If you want a car and your husband did not there is nothing stopping you having one. You would take of it all yourself, no problem. I am surprised you don’t see that a child isn’t something you can compromise on. Because of the effect on their well being and the enormous responsibility you both have to it.. Many women have children in spite of their husband’s misgivings and reluctance and then wonder why their marriages disintegrate.
What is “unhealthy” about giving up the idea of having a baby? Simply because you feel it’s something you must do, or must have? Many men feel they would not be good fathers - and they are right. They go ahead and bow to pressure anyway, for all the wrong reasons, often because their partners force them to father. You’re not selfish for wanting one. You would be selfish if you insist on having one despite your partner saying he does not want one, meaning that you are prepared to do something that could be detrimental to all of you. Maybe he’s actually considering the less emotional aspects. But whatever, a child isn’t something you can compromise on IMO. It has a right to be wanted by both parents, not just one because they want to fullful a long held dream of having a child. You cannot send it back.YOu cannot make someone want a child. And yes, if he doesn’t want children, he shouldn’t have them. Better not to than regret doing so.
Interestingly, I was just contemplating my earlier decision to not have children..My husband has from our dating years not wanted children as did I. But for some reason I feel something pulling me to reconsider and am actually afraid to bring this up to him..we just had our neighbors over with their 1 year old and I had a wierd funny feeling while watching them “ahhw and ohhh” over her. Was it jealousy? I still dont know..but I do know I am turning 30 soon and this could just be a biological/physiological timeclock going off and i just have to ignore it , right? any thoughts would be really appreciated..
Sue - ignore it? No. Discuss it with your husband? Absolutely. Closely examining your reasons for not wanting kids and reconsidering? Definitely. Jealousy (if it was that) or the biological clock (I’d better have kids now or I won’t be able to) aren’t, in my opinion solid reasons for having a child. I’m aware that it is a reason that many women DO have children, but my point is it’s based on fear. You don’t sound sure that you do want them either..
If you’re afraid to bring this up with your husband that in itself speaks volumes. But I don’t see how you can avoid having the discussion - sooner rather than later. If not having kids was something that was integral to your marriage and that you had previously discussed, I would be prepared for some upheaval since you’re potentially changing the dynamics.
I think TOgirl made a good point: the wish to have babies and the wish not to are equally real and valid and can be equally deeply felt.
Having a baby against your partners wish may be selfish and unwise (not being good for the partner, the relationship and the child as well). And it may also be that nowadays, people tend to have a misplaced sense of ‘entitlement’, to expect life will be as they want it to be. I think this is true.
However, few here seem to consider the grief that can be caused by having an deep but unfulfilled wish to have children. Of course no one can demand to have their every wish fulfilled, or reasonably expect this to happen in life. Some people don’t have babies, against their wish, for other reasons. One learns to deal with these things, eventually. But really wanting babies and not having them seems to me to be something else than really wanting but not having a certain sports car, for example.
Also: questioning ones reasons for wanting something, especially when it involves a baby, is a good thing, can’t deny that one. On the other hand, someone not wanting a baby was advised to stick to this ‘gut feeling’. Why should one then not stick to ones gut feeling if one -does- want a baby? Wanting a baby must be one of the most gutty, primitive feelings there are. Of course one doesn’t have to act on these feelings, but they are real.
I can rationally think of a lot of good reasons not to have children, but still I strongly feel ’somehow’ that I would like to have them. Which is maybe the strange and slightly disturbing reason why most people have children (religion and social expectations notwithstanding). Is this a bad thing? Or is it just the way things are? I don’t know.
So what to do if partners have talked it over thoroughly, considered all aspects of it, waited a bit, and still strongly differ on this point? I don’t know. There will be pain, whether they split or whether they remain childless (not to mention the really bad option that started this discussion in the first place). For every couple it will be different. Life is difficult.
i have unfulfilled wishes, i want to have a small house away from all people, (rowan excluded), never to see a living soul. i know it would be hard to do.
but i know its not possible at the moment, so i wait.
everyone one of us has wishes great and small, its knowing when that wish is unreasonable, thats what makes us different, we know when an idea is bad.
you stated about instincts, “Wanting a baby must be one of the most gutty, primitive feelings there are.” we are more than pure instincts, we reason, we think we construct possibilities, thats what some parents say, its natural to have a child, it may be but because we are thinking beings we can decide to do things that are best for us even though we may want too.
as soon as one partner wants something the other cant or wont give, thats the time when the greatest pressure on the couple begins, whether its moving house to having a child, i say a child is more pressure as its a physical life form. if the other person doesnt want it, and they will not change their mind, there is no middle ground, in this situation its black and white, yes or no. no compromise when it comes to having children
This is an interesting thread. I have a similar (sort of problem).
My DH & I have 1 child, she just turned 4. Before we ever had her we discussed children, we both wanted them. I made it very clear that I wanted 2 or more children as I was an only child and feel I want a different upbringing for my child.
Now, 4 years later, my hubby just “doesn’t feel like” having another child. There is no reason such as financial, responsibility, etc. Just, I don’t feel like it. Meanwhile, I feel like a part of me is being torn apart. I love and adore my daughter and at the same time feel the “need, want, desire” to have at least 1 more. I absolutely do not want her to be an only child. We have been talking about this for over 2 years with no change on either side.
I have read above how “selfish” a woman like me is being and I don’t completely disagree. I guess I am being a bit selfish. But to say that the other party is not being selfish is one sided and completely untrue. My hubby is a proven excellent father. There is no doubt in my mind that he would love and be an excellent father to any additional children.
I am not willing to break up my family over this, but at the same time it is eating me up. So what do I do now? It’s been 2 years of attempting to tamp down this overwhelming need that I have and move towards my hubby’s way of thinking, yet I feel like he has done nothing to try and move towards my way of thinking.
Advice?
have 2 children close in age is far more difficult than having one, are you resigned to having it, i would say why do you want one, is it just a case of my only child needs a brother/sister. Why?
not every brother and sister like each other, quite a few young children resent the new child exisiting, as you know young children are extremely self centred.
ask him for his reasons why he doesnt want another one, work out your reasons, and talk.. if you accidentally have another child your dh may start to resent you and it.
work out your reasons why you want a child, and talk.
I would never have guessed how interesting this debate would become,never…Lee-Ann, I’m not in a position to give you advice, I can only say what I think from my childfree perspective. And it probably won’t be any help or make a blind bit of difference to what you feel, but I will say it anyway. Truly, I do not envy you. I also don’t envy your husband, or any person who feels under pressure to do something they fundamentally don’t want to do - (that would include
yourself, by the way)
That said, when you say:
“My hubby is a proven excellent father. There is no doubt in my mind that he would love and be an excellent father to any additional children..”
The point is that there is at least some doubt in HIS mind. Enough to make him say no, even in the face of your desire to have one. Fundamentally, your need and your husband’s are completely opposite. Maybe, after having one child he does not want what he knows is the package with having an additional child, or having two children. Maybe he does not want the commitment. Perhaps he feels that having a brother or sister for your existing child isn’t enough reason for him to have another child. Maybe he doesn’t feel up to it. I have to wonder - are you sure he wanted the first child?
From a purely objective observation of what you’ve said, you could wait for ever and he would never come around to your way of thinking, nor, you to his. Because - he does not want another child. He seems, from what you say, to be content with the one he has, while you are not.
It sounds as if you have a need and a desire to have another child and not just to give your daughter a sibling. If you had another, you would still want at least one more. So this is your need, not your daughter’s. But because your childhood wasn’t what you would have liked, why does that mean your daughter’s will be the same?
(BTW, I do know these are considered perfect reasons to have a child, I just don’t think they are).
Tell you something. I think my husband would make a wonderful father. I told him so, years ago. But that was moot. Why? Because, for whatever reason, he fundamentally did not want children. Fortunately for me I had no all consuming need for a child, nor even a desire for one. I know what his reasons are. But if you don’t, want a child you don’t want a child. Trying to understand why is a waste of energy. Trying to convince someone they do want something when they clearly don’t is also a waste. I don’t understand why people feel they can change another’s mind on such a huge commitment that they would have to be part of. And what about the child?
You could seek to wear down your husband, who, in my opinion seems to be giving you a clear message, but you are not really hearing it. Trying to wear him down - or accidentally getting pregnant might get you your child, but might lose you your husband, and will almost certainly ensure the child is at an immediate disadvantage in the love stakes.
My personal belief is that if the two of you (not just one of you) do not completely want a child for itself, there is no reason strong enough to have one.
Sleepless blog reader - On the other hand, someone not wanting a baby was advised to stick to this ‘gut feeling’. Why should one then not stick to ones gut feeling if one -does- want a baby?
A baby does not remain a baby. Deciding to raise one should raise serious considerations, since you will be responsible for that life for at the very least 20 odd years. There are enormous implications that many seem to completely ignore or underestimate their importance as long as they are led by their emotions. Many test their instincts out on the children they have - some with not very good results. If one feels one may not be a good parent, how does that show consideration for the child?
“Wanting a baby must be one of the most gutty, primitive feelings there are. Of course one doesn’t have to act on these feelings, but they are real.”
A gut feeling is more akin to intuition. A primitive urge is instinctual. We don’t obey all our instinctual urges do we? The difference is as has been said, that as humans we don’t have to be led totally by our emotions, we can reason. Also, since some women clearly do not have any instinct to have children, I’m almost convinces that this “motherhood instinct” is something women have been conditioned to. But there is no way of proving it.
“I can rationally think of a lot of good reasons not to have children, but still I strongly feel ’somehow’ that I would like to have them. Which is maybe the strange and slightly disturbing reason why most people have children (religion and social expectations notwithstanding). Is this a bad thing? Or is it just the way things are? I don’t know.”
in our society today, the way things are is that women are encouraged to have babies because they want to have them. Most do not think rationally about the decsion, it is emotional. They want a baby, therefore they feel they should have a baby. Or because they feel incomplete. Or as insurance against growing old, lonely and broke. Or to pass on their genes. Or because their parents want grandkids… or because they feel it gives them “status”.on the other hand, many who decide not to have children think more rationally about it as well as emotionally.
My ex-husband left me after promising children for 5 years and when I got pregnant to him - which he said he wanted - he didn’t want the child and I terminated. I was a student, would have struggled financially and devestated by the breakup.
I have always had a strong desire to have children and knew I shouldn’t have become involved and fallen in love with a man who has one child (13) and does not want any more. I have respected that and made the devestating decision again to terminate a pregnancy earlier this year. I cry a lot - when I see babies or children, my niece and nephews. I love his daughter and we have a great relationship, but it’s a very different relationship.
I believe strongly that children should come into the world under the best possible circumstances and I do not want to have a child alone only to have my child in daycare all day - that, for me is just not right. If I came into a lot of money and didn’t have to work for some time my dream would be to have a baby.
He understands and respects my position and I his and we want the best for eachother. He went through a period when he said he would compromise and have one child rather than lose me, but decided that he really didn’t want to.
Sometimes I try to tell myself that kids are too much hard work and I should be content, but the longing won’t go away. I turned 35 this year, so time is a factor. We are discussing separating after 2 years, although we love eachother. It’s not like I can switch off my feelings and start looking for the father of my children and there is the risk that it may just never happen and then I will have lost him too.
I thought I knew better than to walk into a relationship knowing that this problem would arise, but I fell in love. Ultimately I guess you’ve just got to roll with what life presents and be greatful for what you’ve got.
How am I any different then everyone I know on the planet who is reproducing with loving husbands who want children? I would like children someday, but my partner does not. I have always respected his decision not to, but everyone thinks I am crazy for staying with him. We have discussed marriage and this issue is the only thing holding us back. I believe we are smart not to marry, but I am told by many women I talk to that I should just get pregnant and he’ll come around. I feel this is very very wrong. I would never deceive him this way. But now what do I do??? Do I leave? Do I give up my dream on the loving family with 2 kids and a dog? Do I just leave him in the dust? What about his feelings? We have built a life together before this was discussed. For the record I have a sucessful career and I do not plan on living off of my partner’s wallet. I have choosen to stay with him because I have a deep and loving connection to him. Will I find that elsewhere? Wil he find that with someone other then me? Let me know your thoughts.
“I would like children someday, but my partner does not. I have always respected his decision not to, but everyone thinks I am crazy for staying with him. We have discussed marriage and this issue is the only thing holding us back.”
You have your answer. He doesn’t want kids. You do. His views and your views are quite clearly opposed on an issue where there is no compromise. Why are you staying with him? I mean honestly? Why aren’t you out looking for someone who shares your dream of two kids and a dog? Could it be because secretely you think he will come around to the idea of becoming a father? For the record, even if he went ahead became a father to keep you/the relationship it would be under duress. You think you will be able to explain that to the unwanted child? Good luck with that. You aren’t married to him, and this deep loving connection - well either you are going to have to make do with it and love him as he (sans babies) is or start thinking.
With your head, not your uterus.
Okay, but what about the situation I am in: my husband and I got together 7 years ago and have always talked about having kids. Then, a few months ago, he dropped the bomb on me that he doesn’t know if he ever wants kids. period. I’m trying to believe that he’s saying this because he’s in the middle of starting a business, but wait a minute…never have kids? We had names picked out and he used to cut out pictures of kids from magazines saying, that’s what a combination of me and you would look like. What happens when a husband (or wife) changes his (her) mind several years into the marriage, right around the time biological clocks are ticking?
It seems to me that the people who don’t want children usually make the decision because their money and possessions are more important to them than having a child. Is family no longer important? Is it because these people perhaps didn’t have a good family life and so they have lost all sense of family values, love and support (and I don’t mean financial).
No, it seems to me their possessions (ie. homes, cars etc etc) are more important.
I have been wanting a baby for many years. My first husband and I decided to wait….and then he died. I am now remarried and have still been waiting “for the right time”. We have a home, money, jobs, cars, pets etc etc, but that is all material (except my pets, I love them dearly). I feel like my heart is breaking because my husband keeps asking me to wait…..wait….wait……
He has now told me to wait another year. I know it’s not long and I’m very pleased. But I am worried he is just doing this to keep me happy. I can’t help the way I feel, but I don’t want to bring a child into the world who is not 100% wanted. How do I know if he genuinely wants this or he is just doing it for me (bearing in mind he has a 9 year old son from his first marriage - so it’s not as thought he doesn’t ever want children).
Mercurior….as I said, I have been wanting a child for a long time. Do you think I haven’t done my research? I know the bad and the good. That just shows how shallow you are that skins tags, stretch marks and hard work would blind you from seeing all the good things that can come out of it too.
We all want different things in life, so why do you feel it is so bad that someone would like to have a child? I have never once believed it is a purely a happy clappy moment, but I don’t just see the bad.
Also, I never made any assumptions that people without children are rich. That is what you said. I said posessions such as cars and houses. I didn’t say porches and mansions.
Thank for the response in any case.
Mercurior, I took a look at one of your links. None of those things will scare me off. Women don’t need to be pregnant to have Thrush, food cravings, heartburn, constipation, passing urine often, cystitis, body changes etc.
Those things happen throughout life in any case, and some occur on a monthly basis!!
but they all happen at once, its different if its over 10 years, this is 12 months.. so i am shallow am i, if you read i quoted more than those, you who focused on the 2 physical displays, says a lot. but a lot of women do think we are all rich, a lot of the childfree rent rather than buy houses. thats not a possession, in fact if you think about it, the childfree have less possessions as parents buy so much more rubbish for this children. my life can be put into 2 suitcases.
ok name the good things that come from having a child.
(and to say i am shallow, well.. i mentioned the other problems not just 2, read it again bleeding gums, heartburn, constipation, thrush, Stress incontinence, Cystitis, Varicose veins, Piles or haemorrhoids, Swelling of ankles, fingers, face and hands,acne, Skin tags may have appeared during pregnancy, or they may appear after birth. These small growths of skin are easily removed by a physician, stretch marks, of course you can have hair loss, as well. then theres the post partum depression, the sleep deprivation( which can lead to psychosis), incontinence, post birth bleeding(lochia), perineum tearing can occur. but who focused on skin tags (of which i have several myself i had one on my leg and it was benign) and stretch marks, (i also have these and i am MALE)
Mily - Maybe you should take the batteries out of the clock - or ignore the it. If a person doesn’t want children they don’t. Best to stop hoping they’ll change their mind. He’s probably seen that children and him aren’t a good idea.
Cara
“It seems to me that the people who don’t want children usually make the decision because their money and possessions are more important to them than having a child. Is family no longer important? Is it because these people perhaps didn’t have a good family life and so they have lost all sense of family values, love and support (and I don’t mean financial).”
Your comment is both stupid, ill informed and ignorant. Not only do you not know a thing about why people make the decision not to reproduce (not that it’s any of your business), you are allowing your uterus to do all the talking and thinking for you. What are you doing here on a childfree blog airing your desperate need to have a child? There are thousands of blogs with equally desperate wanna-be childed just waiting to embrace you - elsewhere.
Can’t help they way you feel? You can always help the way you feel.
Wake up and smell the coffee and stop listing to your uterus for a minute - your husband doesn’t want (any more) kids.
Mim,
Many men don’t want kids. Many more than you would imagine. However many go along and have them at the insistence (sometimes years of it) of their partners… and in the hope of a quiet life. They get anything but of course. Before they know it they have to have another child, and another. Many more women ignore the warning signs (which are ALWAYS there) in the mistaken hope they can talk them round. Sometimes they succeed. For a while.
Sorry to say this, but I’ve never been a believer in love being blind. Since you knew going in that your second partner didn’t want kids it can’t be a surprise to you that he has no wish to have them and now you’re contemplating your future. If you love him then it has to be without kids as he is. Chances are if you try to oops him into having them, he’ll leave you anyway, only later down the line. Otherwise, if you can’t live without having kids, you’ll have to re-examine those feelings you have and find someone who shares your desire to have kids. You do have a choice.
Cara, why don’t you just be grateful with what you have? It sounds like you have far more than a lot of people. Just cos your husband has one child, it doesn’t automatically follow he wants another.
It seems to me that you should either accept things as they are, or leave and find someone who feels the same way you do about children. Just don’t be surprised if the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
And how dare you imply that family isn’t important to the CF? Family isn’t all that important to you either if you’re willing to turn a blind eye to your husband’s wishes.
As britgirl said, think with your head not your uterus.
What bullshit.
This Cara person comes to a CHILDFREE blog finger-pointing and making sweeping statements about how all *WE* care about is money and possessions and how me must have shitty families and no sense of “values”. Lady you couldn’t be further from the truth. But like most people we come into contact with, you don’t really seek to understand us or our reasons. Your statements are a way to present yourself as “superior” because a CHILD is more important to you than these materialistic things that you ASSUME we place high value upon, and making an ignorant statement about our upbringing and lack of family values serves to further put yourself on a pedestal.
You are such a sad human being Cara. Your husband has my deepest condolences. It’s a shame you came to such a well-spoken, thought-provoking, CF blog to spew your utter stupidity and lack of insight into our lives.
“well-spoken”, ha! All you lot have done is spew insults at me. Sorry to have interupted your CF blog. Obviously anyone with a different view is not welcome.
“Wake up and smell the coffee and stop listing to your uterus for a minute - your husband doesn’t want (any more) kids.”
Sorry Britgirl, your theory has just been blown out the window. Considering I haven’t spoken about having children to my husband for months now, it was a lovely surprise yesterday when he came home and had bought me a baby names book! Of course I’m sure you’ll have some other theory as to why he has done this, but I don’t care!!
Childfree Chick. - Well said. It is bullshit.
@ Cara - “All you lot have done is spew insults at me. Sorry to have interupted your CF blog. Obviously anyone with a different view is not welcome.”
I think Childfree Chick has summed it up nicely. Obviously you’re no nearer to getting it. And a baby names book - how nice for you! Your husband has my deepest condolences. Goodbye, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
Cara, if anyone’s been spewing insults, it’s you.
Have a nice breeder’s life.
Bye!
Dear all - came across this blog while googling and found the discussion very interesting. Just spent a day that seemed like ‘a war of the why’s’ - why doesn’t he want a baby, why do I want. It is useless. My problem is that before we got married (4 years ago) we discussed the baby-issue on various occassions. I wanted to avoid the terrible situation of being married and disagreeing on having a baby.
I am in that situation now, despite all my efforts to avoid it!!
Why? Because my husband changed his mind. Before we got married he told me he didn’t feel the need to have a child, but he would be open to it if I wanted it. It would be something that we would agree on together. He said he wouldn’t be able to make a decision alone on this issue as he was now part of a couple, and he also said he was not a ‘no’-fundamentalist. I believed him, and married him.
I have always put my career first. I have traveled the world, am highly educated, lived in different countries. I am now 3 years away from 40, and in a calmer phase of my career. I could have a child now, the right time is now. I long for it. I also think that ‘wanting’ a child is something completely different from ‘wanting’ a new car or a bigger house. Wanting a child is not a material thing, it is a deep natural desire, almost hard to explain in words. I don’t own much, I don’t care much about material things. A child is not going to be added to a long list of ‘possessions’ I already have. I can accept the fact that I will never own a house, or will never be able to take off on a trip around the world just for the fun of it, but I find it difficult to accept to never have a child. I don’t even want two children, or more, but just one.
So who is the selfish one here? My husband who decided to change his mind, and now gives me all kinds of reasons for not wanting a child, which vary from concerns about climate-change to a fear for the responsiblity? Or me, who puts him through this agony, trying to ‘force’ my desire on him, a wish I told him about before we got married?
I look around me and see women who decided to have a baby because their partner wanted it! They themselves were not yet ready or didn’t feel any desire for motherhood. It hardly happens the other way around. Far more often, when a woman wants to have a baby and her partner not, the woman accepts not to have one. As women, are we then really empowered? Didn’t feminism also include the right to decide about your body?
In my case, I am not going to force my husband to have a child, despite his earlier ‘promise’. That would be a bad idea. But I am also not going to accept my husband’s changed opinion. I believe that a relationship is about taking and giving; we got married on that basis…we will have to find a compromise somehow…or else, yes, I would leave him. Not necessarily to desperately try to find someone else who does want to have a child. To stay married to someone who said he would be open to this issue, and then changes his mind, forcing me to remain childless, is unbearable to me. I’d rather be childless, single and truthful to myself…
ok several points that you mention, your husband changed his mind.. but from what you have said he hasnt changed his mind that much i quote you “he told me he didn’t feel the need to have a child, but he would be open to it if I wanted it.”.. so he didnt want a child but he would have had one if YOU wanted. now to my mind that says he wasnt sure, but if you decided you wanted one then, you might as well.
what has happened is that he has looked into himself and saw that having a child for that reason just to make someone else happy, without the love or the need that the father feels. is wrong. and trust me i was in that position, my attitude was, if it gives her joy and me some peace, then why not.
there are a lot of natural desires, and a lot of unnatural ones, do we have to obey the ones we dont feel for. i want to go and kill certain people, my instincts say do it, but i am the master of my instincts, at least those ones that run society.
you speak about not having much in the way of posessions, well that will change, your child will have everything and then some, you just want one child.. what if you have twins, what if the feelings dont go away, then it will be 2 children, or 3, or 4, or 17..
your husbands reasons are his, the global warming reason, is that selfish to save the resources that your child will consume. is there medical reasons why he doesnt want children, if he fears the responsibility, could you say he is afraid of hurting or killing that potential child. is that selfish or selfless..
if you were certain your child would have a life disabling birth defect, would you still wish it to be born.. is that a selfless or selfish act in carrying it to term.
a lot of men have children before they are ready just to stop the nagging.
Dear mercurior, I don’t think it is that black and white. My husband never wanted to get married, and he never wanted to have children. He has always had a fear for commitment. But this was before he met me. He took the initiative to get married. He asked me. And at this point we also discussed the baby-issue. He said he would be open to it, and (since he initiated something he never wanted, the marriage) I believed him. I trusted him. Today my husband admits that he changed his mind. He is scared, because of the responsiblity, he is an artist, so there is a financial aspect, but I earn enough to sustain 17 children if I wanted to. But yes, I only want one, because I too have a career. And no, I don’t nagg about it everyday. It was a hard decision for me too. My husband never thought about having a baby just to make me happy, and he would never have a baby for that reason only. We would never.
i never wanted to get married, but i am getting married, i would have had children if she wanted them, but now i know there is childfree out there i know i dont want them.
getting married is different to having a child. and people can change their minds.. it happens a lot. if you earn enough, what about when you cant earn. have you thought about that.. will you be content to leave him as a stay at home dad.
its something that goes on in the mind of a lot of men, i will give her a child to stop her pressuring/nagging/discussing it a lot.. and if he said he never thought about it, even if he had doubts then he is different to many men i know. (i know a lot about the workings of mens minds as i am on and i have been in that situation).
you can persuade yourself you want kids, but deep down you know you would be a bad father, that if it makes her happy why not.. but it never works out like that.. talk to him about his reasons, and your reasons.
i want to marry my rowan, i dont like marriages, that doesnt mean we should get married then have kids.. marriage doesnt equate to children.. marriage is a legal form showing you love each other. and there are many forms of love, and some do not rely on having children..
Serradalua - you’re right it isn’t black and white. But from what you have said, you husband never wanted a child in the first place. He wanted to marry you and he wanted to make you happy. Whether you believe that or not he wanted to make you happy and so was open to discussing something he knew he didn’t want to see if he would want it. The key thing is he never wanted a child then. And that hasn’t changed. That’s what you should have listened to, because that’s what he was telling you.
When we met, my husband said exactly the same thing to me, right down to the discussion - which we had. He said he had never wanted children, but if I wanted them he would try to be the best father he could. He would have them if I wanted them.
What did I do? I listened to my intuition which told me that he really didn’t want children. That being the case I would be asking him (however reasonable it seemed) to live a life he didn’t fundamentally want. I did not want that. Children are a lifelong commitment. I was not going to place him under that kind of pressure. If kids were going to be a must have for me, then I would have had to find someone else - not marry him. We are incredibly happy today. And neither he nor I are interested in having kids.
The years have only reinforced your husband’s reasons - whatever they may be.His reasoning is logical, yours is emotional (as it is with most women who feel that if they don’t have a child they’ll die - or similar).
Saying “I will be open to it” DOES NOT mean that he changed his original feeling. It meant simply he would be open to discussing the pros and cons with you. No more, no less. And, if after that discussion he still feels that a child is not want he wants or can cope with - as has happened - doesn’t matter how many children you want, he cannot make himself feel what he does not feel. Neither can you.
Just because you have financial resources to bring 17 kids into the world doesn’t mean he would be happy about having to rely on you to do what he feels should be at least some of his responsibility. I don’t know why you feel that the financial aspect doesn’t matter. In fact it appears as if all his reasons, to you at least, are of lesser importance to you than the fact that you feel that he changed his mind and you want a child. I don’t know if you realise it but you are asking him to commit the rest of his life to raising another human being.That means all his resources,not some. And being totally responsible for that human being. Not just a baby. He does not want this responsibility. He cannot commit to doing this.
A huge commitment, which, even if you are totally prepared, you cannot be prepared for. For someone who does not want a child in the first place, this is a recipe for disaster.
You say you are planning to leave him - because you say he changed his mind. Actually he didn’t. Because you will not accept the fact that he has made up his mind and it wasn’t what you want?
So, really your marriage has been based on - what? him saying yes to your desire to have a child? Not until death do us part? You say marriages are based on give and take.. but you are asking him to give everything. Face it - you are really leaving him because he refuses to say yes to being a father.
Your husband is not forcing you to remain childless… this tells me there is some blaming going on there. No one can force you to do anything. And as for you saying that it’s mostly women who have children because their partners want it… I have found it to be just the opposite in my experience. Many women have kids despite what their partners want. Men usually have little choice in the matter. It seems now they are beginning to realise that they don’t have to just go along.
Unfortunately, as I’ve said so many times, there is no compromise when it comes to children. If you don’t want to have them or bring them up you should not have them.
Many an unwanted child will tell you that one.
Hmm, somehow I feel you’re answers are completely subjective: it’s always the person who wants to stay child-free who is right…I just read an another article on this blog, the case of a man who never wanted children, and spoke about it to his wife before they got married, and then she changed her mind. The reactions to this entry were: gosh, I feel for this guy, how terrible. So when it is the other way around, it is okay to change your mind? Okay, my husband never felt the urge of wanting kids, but he wanted to marry me, FULLY KNOWING from the start that I wanted to have a child. Why was he so stupid to go ahead, knowing that this could cause huge problems? Why did he make me believe that he would be open to explore the issue? Why didn’t he just say: no, sorry, forget it, I will never agree to having a child. Because he wanted the whole cake and eat it too! Does this disqualify him of any responsibily towards me? I don’t think so!
Serradalua - you’re rather missing the point. Which is that if one is not sure that they are 100% committed to having and bringing up a child, they are right not to do it. In the case you mention the man’s wife was adamant she also didn’t want kids and then decided she did, years in. In your case your husband hasn’t really changed his mind at all - and neither have you.
But you should really have listened to his reluctance - not hope for his agreement with your desire.
He has changed his mind! He changed from ‘for me it is not important but I am open to it, it’s not a clear cut thing’ to ‘no, I don’t want for a million reasons.’ He would be the first one to admit that. This is the whole issue. I would have accepted his choice to remain childless 5 years ago, I still had options. Now it is a lot more difficult. What you are saying is to fully excuse him of any responsibility towards me. But that actually means he was not mature enough to realise what he was getting himself into, that his intellectual capacity didn’t allow him to think that there will be a time when having a child could become a reality. That’s not true, he is an intelligent man. He consciously make the decision to marry me. He consciously engaged in baby-discussions after we got married, over the years, and still not even then he told me: no, no way…he kept it open. Even when I asked him very very clearly if this was going to be a breaking issue. He said no, he was not a ‘fundamentalist’ on this issue. Did I need to distrust him? He is honest and reliable when it comes to other things…
Serradalua….you are right. I gave up discussing the issue with these people because I felt the same….their answers are completely subjective. No matter what you say, they will continue to tell you you are wrong.
Uhh, Cara, if you have so much contempt for “these people”, then why the hell are you still posting here?
Serradalua , same goes for you: if you wish to disregard our opinions, then do so. There’s no need to keep posting.
here’s a switch. Even though I made it perfectly clear I did not want children before we got married, my husband — after 14 years of marriage — out of the blue - started bullying me into have children. He was nastier than hell about. Told me I ruined his life, that all he ever wanted was children, that the whole reason he drinks is because he has nothing to live for, that I was selfish, etc. So 9 months ago, I got pregnant at the age of 41 and guess who’s burdened the whole preparation for this baby. He got rid of his car for a bicycle because that was more enjoyable for him, yet when I got pregnant - instead of getting a 2nd car as we discussed, he waited 8 months and just took mine. I have been without a car now for over a month and I was a very active person. So beware. I am expecting any day now. I will love this baby, as it is innocent and faultless in all of this and I have naturally taken care of myself for the sake of the baby. But it is true, I heavily resent my husband now.
cara and Serradalua, you both came here and asked questions, and we replied how we thought things would be.
if you dont like the answers then dont ask the questions.. but be prepared for the time when if you do have a child by them,, then they will leave you.
Cara - “these people?” I take it you’ll be getting lost then pretty sharpish then? I can’t quite work out what you are doing here, reading what “these people” have been saying. Clearly, you should be elsewhere.
Serranduala - no reason for you to go on posting here is there?
Alice - bullying you into having children? OK… so he’s a bully and you still had a child with him? You should have stuck by your convictions and not had the child if you didn’t want one. Don’t want a dhild? Then DON”T have one.
Since you evidently gave in, I think you are at least half to blame for your situation. But I can quite see how you would resent him.
I appreciated your answers. I am considering all pro’s and con’s of having a baby, so I am open to hear other opinions and choices. That’s why I posted something in the first place. But for me, the discussion was too much seen from one side…the big difference with the reaction I get from my husband is that he at least understands why I want a baby, and does not think I am selfish. I think a discussion about selfishness or being self-less is a non-starter…life is not black and white…compromises are possible. ALSO when it comes to having a baby. In fact, in all facets of life, people make compromises all the time…and people themselves are not unambiguous but complex creatures. People may think they want a child but actually deep down they don’t want one; ’society’’s prescription made them feel they needed to have a child. In contrast, people may think they don’t want a child, but such a desire may be clouded by fear or something else, and they actually do long for it. In short, deciding about having or not having a child is difficult for anyone (also for the ‘child-free’, what else explains the existence of this blog…)…In my case, we are still talking, and are learning a lot about eachother, and I am confident we will find the right solution that works for both of us. Cheers!
Serradalua, you can hardly complain about how the discussion being one-sided. I’ll remind you that this is a childfree blog. You can hardly expect us to sympathize with your desire to reproduce.
I assure you that not only have I never had the slightest desire for a child, it’s not clouded by fear as you snottily assume. What it boils down to is I’m not interested. Simple. And I’ll bet it’s the same for a lot of us.
childfree blogs exist not because deciding to be childfree is difficult but dealing with society’s reactions can be. they exist so we can support each other from ignorant people’s dumbass assumptions. Like yours.
I don’t see how you’ll find the right solution for both of you. You want a kid, he doesn’t. Whatever happens, one of you will be unhappy.
Cheers!
“people make compromises all the time…and people themselves are not unambiguous but complex creatures.”
How very interesting. I’d never have guessed.
I think Liz has said it all. And I have to say that far from “thinking I don’t want a child and really longing for one,” like Liz I have zero interest in having a child. Deciding to be childfree isn’t difficult. And Liz is also spot on about why childfree blogs exist. It’s tiresome that the ignorant assumptions touted by their equally ignorant holders persist in appearing on CHILDFREE blogs.
Hopefully one thing you do learn is to recognize the truth… that your husband does not want a child - and you do. One might say that’s an irreconcilable difference.
You’re reactions say it all!! Not just subjective, but also insulting and moralistic, like you know my relationship or anyone elses for that matter…I think instead of having a childfree life, you should first get a life! I wish you all good luck! I am afraid I have better things to do (such as making a baby), so I am out of here!
Are you STILL here?? Goodbye - and don’t let the door hit you on the way out
there can be no compromise when it comes to children.
its one of those rare things with only 2 answers. if he does and you dont, if she does and he doesnt.. if she doesnt and he doesnt. there is only 1 (ONE) way it could be ok, if you both wanted one.. so out of the 4 choices. only one needs/relies on having a child.
you cannot have half a child.