I Want A Baby, But My Husband Doesn’t…

No, it isn’t quite the same as the previous articles, but it is eerily similar. I came across this particular Google search: “how do I make my husband want kids” and it led me to this message board. A woman wants a baby and her husband doesn’t.

She posted on the Women’s Sexual Health – Australian Health Message boards. I had a sinking feeling as I read the question, but I was appalled at the responses, which ranged from “your husband is a selfish man with no thought for your needs,” to “leave him,” to “you should go and find someone to do the job while your husband is abroad,” to “poke holes in the condom, to “leave him, but get pregnant and prepare to bring up the child on your own…”

Simply awful. John Hanson in his comment on this blog yesterday is not far off. For some women (and if the responses on the board are representative, more than just a few) babies, not their husbands – and certainly not their partners – come first. No babies, the husband’s value is negligible, judging by the feedback. This is sad. Very sad.

The writer of the question (to her credit) was also appalled and said so, although, in my view, her fundamental problem is that she wants to force her husband to want baby when he doesn’t want one.

Below is my response to the thread. I’ll probably be called selfish for even mentioning that I’m [tag]childfree[/tag]…but I felt had to say something.

Re: I want a baby, but my husband doesn’t:

The fact that you want a child does not mean you have to have one. There are many things we want and cannot have. If you were the one who didn’t want a child and your husband did, how would you feel if he tried to make you change your mind? Like you I am appalled at some of the responses here.

You cannot make someone want something they don’t. You cannot make them feel something they do not. That is trying to control another’s choice. Unless you got married to him for the sole reason of having children, your husband, not a baby, comes first – he is the one you married – not a baby. It seems that you are trying to force him down a road he clearly does not want to go down, probably with good reasons of his own.

You expect him to accept what you want, however you don’t seem to be willing to accept his. If he gives in (yes, gives in) to your pressure, it does not bode well for either you, the child or your marriage. I presume he will be expected to care for and support the child. If a child is not fully wanted by both parents, it isn’t fair to bring it into the world… children can tell when they are not wanted. You are not thinking of the child here you are thinking that you want a baby.

For the record, I’m childfree. Early on, I knew if I insisted my husband would have had kids and he would have tried his very best to be a good father. But I also knew he didn’t really want children, never had. You don’t put someone you love under that kind of pressure (that’s my view anyway) and I was not dead set on kids anyway. Now we are happily childfree. I would not sacrifice our [tag]marriage[/tag] for babies.

I wish you well.