I Want A Baby, But My Husband Doesn’t…

No, it isn’t quite the same as the previous articles, but it is eerily similar. I came across this particular Google search: “how do I make my husband want kids” and it led me to this message board. A woman wants a baby and her husband doesn’t.

She posted on the Women’s Sexual Health – Australian Health Message boards. I had a sinking feeling as I read the question, but I was appalled at the responses, which ranged from “your husband is a selfish man with no thought for your needs,” to “leave him,” to “you should go and find someone to do the job while your husband is abroad,” to “poke holes in the condom, to “leave him, but get pregnant and prepare to bring up the child on your own…”

Simply awful. John Hanson in his comment on this blog yesterday is not far off. For some women (and if the responses on the board are representative, more than just a few) babies, not their husbands – and certainly not their partners – come first. No babies, the husband’s value is negligible, judging by the feedback. This is sad. Very sad.

The writer of the question (to her credit) was also appalled and said so, although, in my view, her fundamental problem is that she wants to force her husband to want baby when he doesn’t want one.

Below is my response to the thread. I’ll probably be called selfish for even mentioning that I’m [tag]childfree[/tag]…but I felt had to say something.

Re: I want a baby, but my husband doesn’t:

The fact that you want a child does not mean you have to have one. There are many things we want and cannot have. If you were the one who didn’t want a child and your husband did, how would you feel if he tried to make you change your mind? Like you I am appalled at some of the responses here.

You cannot make someone want something they don’t. You cannot make them feel something they do not. That is trying to control another’s choice. Unless you got married to him for the sole reason of having children, your husband, not a baby, comes first – he is the one you married – not a baby. It seems that you are trying to force him down a road he clearly does not want to go down, probably with good reasons of his own.

You expect him to accept what you want, however you don’t seem to be willing to accept his. If he gives in (yes, gives in) to your pressure, it does not bode well for either you, the child or your marriage. I presume he will be expected to care for and support the child. If a child is not fully wanted by both parents, it isn’t fair to bring it into the world… children can tell when they are not wanted. You are not thinking of the child here you are thinking that you want a baby.

For the record, I’m childfree. Early on, I knew if I insisted my husband would have had kids and he would have tried his very best to be a good father. But I also knew he didn’t really want children, never had. You don’t put someone you love under that kind of pressure (that’s my view anyway) and I was not dead set on kids anyway. Now we are happily childfree. I would not sacrifice our [tag]marriage[/tag] for babies.

I wish you well.

107 thoughts on “I Want A Baby, But My Husband Doesn’t…

  1. mercurior

    i think they are confused by the post name, they arent that smart, they read it and think we are pro child, they never read the other comments.

    if you had a miscarriage at 42, isnt that nature/gods way of saying give up.

  2. MrConflicted

    I am new here and happened upon this thread via Google. I am going through a similar situation and could use some advice. So, here goes…
    I met my wife 5 years ago. She is now 41 and I am 46. I have two teenagers from my first marriage that I fly to visit every other weekend (even though as teenagers, they often wished I’d stayed home).

    When we started dating, she made it clear that she would want a baby someday and I went along with that. After dating for about a year, I new I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but I needed to do some soul-searching over the baby issue. We actually spent two months apart while I processed this. I talked to friends, family and read up on the topic of being an older father before ultimately committing to her that I would have a baby with her.

    We got married and started a life that included annual travel to Europe, weekend getaways, etc. The isse of having a baby came up periodically, but remained on the “back-burner”. During this time, she expressed her own ambivilance on the issue. I grew to love our life and secretly hoped that she was changing her mind.

    About a month ago she declared that she wanted a baby and wanted to start the “process” (I’ve had a vasectomy, her age, etc., meant IVF). I immediately became depressed, but I have gone through the motions of keeping appoints, arraning financing, etc., but my depression has grown deeper. After some therapy, it became obvious that I am depressed because I have trapped myself between what I feel is right….to keep my promise to her and move forward and have a baby, and what I want, which is a childfree life with her.

    I have a strong sense of obligation and it is huritng me badly that I may end up ruining her dream of having a baby, but I have simply changed my mind on the issue….I love our life and the idea of what it can be, without a child.

    Any advice would be welcome and appreciated.

  3. mercurior

    is a promise worth an early death, is a promise worth you destroying your life.

    does she realise that after the age of 40 the chances of getting a disabled child, from ivf or birth goes up, does she realise that she will be 60 before it goes to college. that she will be expected to pay for it, for all those college years.

    its not you that has the problem (maybe you are too honourable to go back on a promise), its her unfeasible idea of having a child.

    why dont you take her to therapy, with you as she is causing you to be ill.

    talk to her with a 3rd party, your therapist for example. how you feel.

    bottling up your feelings,like you have, its only going to cause you pain and illness, but she may not be able to see that, due to her self absorbed i want i want route.

  4. Britgirl Post author

    Mr Conflicted. Sorry, but you need to grow a backbone. Stop lying to yourself and, more importantly stop lying to your wife. I’m puzzled as to how you say you “have a strong sense of obligation” that doesn’t appear to include being honest with your wife if not yourself. And it seems, you’ve not been honest with her from the getgo, so no wonder she feels she’s entitled. You’ve allowed her to get her hopes up and your “going through the motions” is one big continuous lie.

    So you don’t want a (nother)kid. At least be honest with her that you don’t want a kid. And once you’ve done that perhaps give a little thought to what the unwanted child is going to have to go through if it’s unfortunate to have you both for parents. All I hear in this post is “I want, I want, I want, I’m this, I’m that.”

  5. Pingback: Like It Is : Childed or Childfree - Who’s Really Selfish?

  6. silentlselfish

    ok, i’m sorry, i don’t have time to read ALL of these but *must get some feedback*, even if it’s repetitive. i must admit this thread has really given me pause and makes me examine all of my own motives and my very integrity. however, my situation is very complex and i’m still struggling…

    i’ve been married to a wonderful man for only about four months. i’ve known him for 20 years, though, and was with him back then for about a year and a half, after which we parted, moved on and had children, divorces, and are now back together for the last 2 1/2 years plus. the clencher is that when we got back together kids weren’t much of an issue because we already have, gasp, five altogether, parented through previous marriages. plus, i’d had a tubal after my last, six years ago.

    i have spoken a couple of times in this time of how i regret we didn’t have children together instead of with others and how much i wish we could. we talked theoretically but that’s where it stopped. however…..

    i’ve had a couple of *weird* pregnancy scares, despite my lovely cauterized tubes. i thought i must have a tubal pregnancy or SOMETHING as it was so weird how my period wasn’t coming, the symptoms, etc…. this last one was devastatingly scary i was almost certain and despite weeks of first being upset (we’re too old {42 and 39}, we have enough kids, we aren’t financially ready for this {are we ever?}, etc. to accepting it {what if? it would be cool for the other reasons to be explained here in a minute} i ended up actually WANTING it.

    now, this has evolved into another scenario. cruela, the ex for him, has decided to drag us through yet another emotional ringer and basically tell me she will NOT get married (at least in the states) so she won’t lose the alimony (which puts quite a financial damper on our household) and that she’ll always (sneer) be there because THEY have kids and *i* will never have what they have had and am basically not significant because of not having kids with him… etc. she didn’t word it all so eloquently but i got the point. she has always resented me and never left us alone and wants to drive in the peg more and more.

    so i broached the subject of trying to have ONE kid with him, knowing full-well after a tubal reversal and at OUR age it would be unlikely we’d even conceive, particularly under a short time period i’ve proposed of like four months trying. i just want him to want what i want because i feel it’s a completion of the “circle” of us – the past, the separate kids, etc. most of our kids want another child (a girl, we have four boys and a girl, whew!) and i would like that as well. but he is against it UNLESS IT’S ACCIDENTAL (he said had i just been pregnant he would be excited and not mad about it) because of our age and other constraints financially and time-wise. however, i’ve argued our finances should improve (different factors to this) and he’s not ancient. we can handle it. i need it. why is it so selfish??? i want from him what she got. i want to complete what we never could. it would be less child support and less she could hold over my head. it would make me feel more strongly the wonderful bond we have. i love him so, he’s fantastic. i want that for OUR child, not just his. is that horrid???? i don’t mean to be cruel….

    but i’ve told him i feel him withholding this from me when he gave it freely to her despite their marriage being rocky was indicative of the fact he loved her more and i am simply the bandaid to heal him from that life. that his bond will forever be with HER because of their kids and their long marriage. i honestly feel this and probably have for some time. i don’t intend to manipulate him and after everything we’ve been through another threat of my leaving is killing him. but i feel if your husband who loves you so doesn’t feel that need to create that bond that is supposed to be natural and integral and WAS THERE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, aren’t you settling????

    after writing this and with the posts above reverberating in my head i feel perhaps i will have to lessen up on this and respect we cannot have this bond i really feel i need and desire, out of love, to complete our circle. but i may forever resent it and her and sit in therapy half my 40s and 50s to get over it. who’s to say the father’s feelings are important and so do NOT conceive but the mother’s are clearly selfish? it is not all about her or anything, it’s complex… about everything, us… the past… the future.. i don’t know. help!

  7. Britgirl Post author

    This thread could probably get even more comments than 106. But I think that 106 is enough. And since I’m not interested in engaging in conversations with childed people whining that they want even more kids while their spouses clearly don’t – whatever their reasons – (and neither are the childfree commentators) I’m closing the thread to further comments. It’s time.

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