i’ve been married to a wonderful man for only about four months. i’ve known him for 20 years, though, and was with him back then for about a year and a half, after which we parted, moved on and had children, divorces, and are now back together for the last 2 1/2 years plus. the clencher is that when we got back together kids weren’t much of an issue because we already have, gasp, five altogether, parented through previous marriages. plus, i’d had a tubal after my last, six years ago.

i have spoken a couple of times in this time of how i regret we didn’t have children together instead of with others and how much i wish we could. we talked theoretically but that’s where it stopped. however…..

i’ve had a couple of *weird* pregnancy scares, despite my lovely cauterized tubes. i thought i must have a tubal pregnancy or SOMETHING as it was so weird how my period wasn’t coming, the symptoms, etc…. this last one was devastatingly scary i was almost certain and despite weeks of first being upset (we’re too old {42 and 39}, we have enough kids, we aren’t financially ready for this {are we ever?}, etc. to accepting it {what if? it would be cool for the other reasons to be explained here in a minute} i ended up actually WANTING it.

now, this has evolved into another scenario. cruela, the ex for him, has decided to drag us through yet another emotional ringer and basically tell me she will NOT get married (at least in the states) so she won’t lose the alimony (which puts quite a financial damper on our household) and that she’ll always (sneer) be there because THEY have kids and *i* will never have what they have had and am basically not significant because of not having kids with him… etc. she didn’t word it all so eloquently but i got the point. she has always resented me and never left us alone and wants to drive in the peg more and more.

so i broached the subject of trying to have ONE kid with him, knowing full-well after a tubal reversal and at OUR age it would be unlikely we’d even conceive, particularly under a short time period i’ve proposed of like four months trying. i just want him to want what i want because i feel it’s a completion of the “circle” of us – the past, the separate kids, etc. most of our kids want another child (a girl, we have four boys and a girl, whew!) and i would like that as well. but he is against it UNLESS IT’S ACCIDENTAL (he said had i just been pregnant he would be excited and not mad about it) because of our age and other constraints financially and time-wise. however, i’ve argued our finances should improve (different factors to this) and he’s not ancient. we can handle it. i need it. why is it so selfish??? i want from him what she got. i want to complete what we never could. it would be less child support and less she could hold over my head. it would make me feel more strongly the wonderful bond we have. i love him so, he’s fantastic. i want that for OUR child, not just his. is that horrid???? i don’t mean to be cruel….

but i’ve told him i feel him withholding this from me when he gave it freely to her despite their marriage being rocky was indicative of the fact he loved her more and i am simply the bandaid to heal him from that life. that his bond will forever be with HER because of their kids and their long marriage. i honestly feel this and probably have for some time. i don’t intend to manipulate him and after everything we’ve been through another threat of my leaving is killing him. but i feel if your husband who loves you so doesn’t feel that need to create that bond that is supposed to be natural and integral and WAS THERE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, aren’t you settling????

after writing this and with the posts above reverberating in my head i feel perhaps i will have to lessen up on this and respect we cannot have this bond i really feel i need and desire, out of love, to complete our circle. but i may forever resent it and her and sit in therapy half my 40s and 50s to get over it. who’s to say the father’s feelings are important and so do NOT conceive but the mother’s are clearly selfish? it is not all about her or anything, it’s complex… about everything, us… the past… the future.. i don’t know. help!

So you don’t want a (nother)kid. At least be honest with her that you don’t want a kid. And once you’ve done that perhaps give a little thought to what the unwanted child is going to have to go through if it’s unfortunate to have you both for parents. All I hear in this post is “I want, I want, I want, I’m this, I’m that.”

does she realise that after the age of 40 the chances of getting a disabled child, from ivf or birth goes up, does she realise that she will be 60 before it goes to college. that she will be expected to pay for it, for all those college years.

its not you that has the problem (maybe you are too honourable to go back on a promise), its her unfeasible idea of having a child.

why dont you take her to therapy, with you as she is causing you to be ill.

talk to her with a 3rd party, your therapist for example. how you feel.

bottling up your feelings,like you have, its only going to cause you pain and illness, but she may not be able to see that, due to her self absorbed i want i want route.

When we started dating, she made it clear that she would want a baby someday and I went along with that. After dating for about a year, I new I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but I needed to do some soul-searching over the baby issue. We actually spent two months apart while I processed this. I talked to friends, family and read up on the topic of being an older father before ultimately committing to her that I would have a baby with her.

We got married and started a life that included annual travel to Europe, weekend getaways, etc. The isse of having a baby came up periodically, but remained on the “back-burner”. During this time, she expressed her own ambivilance on the issue. I grew to love our life and secretly hoped that she was changing her mind.

About a month ago she declared that she wanted a baby and wanted to start the “process” (I’ve had a vasectomy, her age, etc., meant IVF). I immediately became depressed, but I have gone through the motions of keeping appoints, arraning financing, etc., but my depression has grown deeper. After some therapy, it became obvious that I am depressed because I have trapped myself between what I feel is right….to keep my promise to her and move forward and have a baby, and what I want, which is a childfree life with her.

I have a strong sense of obligation and it is huritng me badly that I may end up ruining her dream of having a baby, but I have simply changed my mind on the issue….I love our life and the idea of what it can be, without a child.

Any advice would be welcome and appreciated.

if you had a miscarriage at 42, isnt that nature/gods way of saying give up.

I think you’ll keep on breeding, as you seem unable to take responsibility for your breeding actions. I’m not sure what you’re looking for here, but whatever it is I doubt you’ll find it. I personally could care less that you’re on your 5th child…. this is A CHILD-FREE blog. To be blunt, I also don’t want you cluttering up relevant, helpful and useful contributor comments with breeder tales.

Chalmus, I can see, perhaps, where my tone may be a bit harsh, that was completely unintentional. My sincerest apologies on that.

I also did not mean to imply that you were a deadbeat dad, or may even be one. I used that term to drive home the point that many men do try to abdicate their responsibilities as parents, that is all.

And as for my last line, it wasn’t necessarily directed at you, Chalmus, although I can see how it can be taken that way. It’s just that so many who are childfree hear that tired old line from parents that since we’re not parents (or if we’re not married), we couldn’t possibly know anything and have no words of wisdom to impart. That’s all that I meant by that. I hope that you can see that now.

Chalmus, really…you sound incredibly humbled by your situation and that you are doing the best you can. I also appreciate the fact that what you posted definitely shows how “oopsing” a man there is the possibility that those women (who do do that, or who simply have a child anyway regardless of their husband’s feelings), are simply making their husbands miserable. But then they don’t care, I’m sure, if their children (and not their spouses or marriage) is their priority.

I meant no ill or harsh judgement. I was making suggestions to expand on your point. Your post simply gave me the opportunity to post those thoughts I’ve had for a while.

So, peace, dude. Really.

and i beleive cfss, didnt mean it that way. and generally we get other commentors here so its always best to write stuff so that more peeps can read it and know..

i am sure it wasnt personal.

I apologize if what I said came across to you as being childish, immature deadbeat dad talk and made you think that I was in need of being set straight about how to work a relationship. That was not my intent. I also didn’t mean to sound like someone who would have dismissed you out-of-hand because you are neither married nor have children.

I am well aware of my own shortcomings and the role that I played in getting myself into this mess. I have relationship issues that I am just coming to grips with now that I acquired from my upbringing — no blame being assigned, I know where I got them from, but they are my issues to deal with and solve now.

I shared my story first and foremost just to say that yeah, people do exist that for whatever reason decide to go ahead and have kids when they really didn’t want to. I wasn’t tricked, my wife didn’t “oops” me, I agreed mostly out of a belief that it was selfish and wrong of me to say no, and that once the kid came everything would be alright and I would end up loving him just like everyone said.

Who knows what could have been, but I think that if I had come across something like this blog 5-10 years ago it might have turned out differently for my wife and I. I wanted to share a story in the hopes that hey, maybe someone would read it and it would make them think twice before just going along.

And you are right, I will indeed do what I think is best. Every single human being does. I just don’t think that you need to assume that my best is to leave my family high and dry with no support or anything. My desire is to find a way to get the relationship that I want with my wife again, and to also enjoy my children and raise them as best I can, much better than I was raised.

I know the situation I am in. I know that I am to blame. I know that I am responsible to do with it the best I can, and believe me I am trying. But I also know that I would be infinitely happier to not have gotten myself into this situation in the first place, and if I can help someone at an earlier point in their life to avoid getting themselves into a similar situation, I will try to do just that.

You are in an unfortunate situation. I hope that you don’t end up like most deadbeat dads and skipping out on your responsibilities to your children. Obviously you will do what you feel you must do.

But I think that you hit on something that most parents tend to forget. While children certainly are a priority, married parents tend to forget that it is their SPOUSE that they MUST have as a priority. Again, marriage vows are being completely forgotten.

What parents NEED to remember is their marriage vows: to forsake all others. (But then again, with so many people writing their own marriage vows, who knows if they’ve even taken that vow?) This means that their spouse becomes their #1 priority in their life: before their own parents, before their jobs, personal life, and yes, even before their own *children.* People conveniently forget that marriage vow.

Chalmus, I ask you to consider this: remind your wife of your vows to each other. Forsake all others – even your children. Make your marriage and each other your priority. It’ll be hard, but work on it.

This will do the following:
1) It will bring you two back together as a couple, man and woman, in marriage.
2) You two should remember that you’re a team on the same side.
3) Once you make each other and your marriage a priority, you will then be presented as a united front for your children. They will learn the meaning of a family unit that way, and they could then NEVER divide you and your wife.

So many parents forget to do this. I just went to a celebration of a 50th wedding anniversary. They had 7 children. The marriage wasn’t a bed of roses, it was WORK to keep their commitment to each other. But one thing is certain: they did not let *anyone,* not even their children, divide them.

Do what you will. Take up your responsibility to your WIFE (first!) and THEN your children, like a responsible *adult* does.

But then again, I’m neither a parent or married, so what do I know? *slash sarcasm*

Every time I ever used to think of my future, of OUR future (my wife’s and mine) together, I never pictured kids in it. Before our first son was born we used to go out all the time, just on walks or bikerides or to dinner or movies or out with friends or whatever. We had a lot of fun together. I know, money doesn’t buy happiness, but let me tell you, the LACK of money sure can bring a lot of stress and tension to a relationship.

Sure, I believe that some, even many, people change their minds once they have kids of their own. They maybe didn’t think they wanted kids, or didn’t think they liked kids, or whatever, but once they had one they were instantly in love and everything else. I’m sure it can and does happen. But NOT for everyone.

Having kids completely changes you and your relationship, and not always for the better as people would try and have you believe. You go from husband or wife to parent. Sure, you can plan date nights with your spouse still, you can schedule time to spend together, you can say that the focus of your marriage will still be on each other — but you’ll still be parents first and foremost.

In our case, we lost more than half of our income since my wife had a better job than I did. On top of that is the cost of all the clothes, food, toys, crib, diapers, whatever else. The biggest point to see about money I guess is that it is a very big lifestyle change.

For the first year or so of a child’s life you will be sleep deprived, you will have little to no time to be spend exclusively with your spouse, interaction with your child will be limited to looking at them adoringly, changing dirty diapers, feeding them, and trying to figure out why they are crying from 1am until 6am.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what the negatives or potential negatives are to having kids. The problem is, with people like me who get no innate, inborn positives out of the deal, those negatives are really really huge. Whenever I thought of my future, of what I wanted to do, I pictured my wife and I continuing to have fun, to go on vacations like we used to, not being tied down to home, still having time/friends/interests of our own to pursue, just, I don’t know, being a couple for the rest of our lives.

With small children (i.e. younger than 14-15), there is NO possible way that a couple can be good parents, a good husband/wife, AND a healthy individual all at the same time. I guess maybe some couples count parenting time as their couples time, but I don’t know. I just know that I won’t have my life back, my house back, my WIFE back, until I am 50 at the earliest. I’m not even quite 31 yet. I’ve resigned myself to either giving up myself or my relationship with my wife until then. For the last 4 years we had let our marriage slip, while we just took care of our kid and ourselves. Well, I was absolutely miserable with that situation, as I didn’t really sign up to be a single dad with a female roommate who never had any time or money or anything to do anything that he wanted. So now we’re going to try and work on our marriage while being parents, which means that I won’t have nearly as much time to spend with friends or by myself pursuing my own interests as I will want. Call me selfish, whatever.

I mourn for my former life, for my former marriage, for my former wife. I’ll never get them back. My choices are to either live out the best of my years miserable as a parent, or divorce the woman that I love, causing her and my kids (who I don’t hate remember) untold pain, and hope that I can find someone else to love and enjoy my life with.

This is a real cautionary tale. I hope people read and understand and for a change refuse to listen to society’s myths and lies. There is no crime in not wanting children. There is too big a cost in having them when you don’t really want them.

I hope other men read this and take note, because I believe this is something that, as Mercurior said happens much more than we think.
Thanks again for your courage in sharing with us.

and who is the real loser in these cases, the children, followed by the man, the courts the system is all focused on the children.

a lot of the comments on boards like this, and a few others only focus on what the woman wants, u had the courage to state the truth.

My wife wanted kids, and when we were dating I said that I wanted like 2 kids tops. Then, as the dating went on into engagement, I started saying that I wasn’t sure if I would ever want kids.

First few years of marriage we both talked about it some more, and she decided that she really didn’t want kids either, and I was mighty relieved. Yeah, I grew up in a house and church where “all kids are a blessing” and “every family needs kids!” and “the only way to fulfill yourself is with kids” blah blah blah. I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t agree, I figured that once I had a kid I would feel different, I figured all parents (at least all guys) felt the same as I did at first (that they really didn’t want to have kids) but that I would change my mind once the kid came, etc. I voiced to my wife that I didn’t feel any need to have kids, that I had no innate desire to have kids, that I was very happy without kids, but she persisted and said that she really wanted kids and such.

She never threatened, she didn’t hound me about it really, she didn’t force anything. I am at least as much to blame as her, since I finally agreed to it by saying “well, I have nothing really specifically AGAINST having kids, it’s not like I would hate them or anything”, and so I gave in.

Well, we just had our second (VERY much an “oops”, and not on her part either), and I am miserable. I take care of our kids (4 and newborn), I stay up late at night to feed/whatever, whatever a “good parent” would be expected to do I guess. But I don’t enjoy it, and it is hurting our relationship (my wife and I) a ton. We have like 30 minutes a day to see each other, we can’t do what we want when we want, we don’t have money for much of anything, I have no time for myself, nothing.

Basically, I get nothing positive out of having kids, and I made that evident before we had them. I guess I just didn’t think long and hard enough about it though, the fact that I would be getting every bit of the negatives out of the deal, and no positives. Now we have moved to be closer to family because of our kids, meaning I had to leave the job that I loved and my friends and my life to move to a place I don’t want to live and work in a place I hate.

Please, anyone who thinks they can change the mind of their spouse who doesn’t want kids, don’t even try. To me it wasn’t right to not want kids, I mean, who doesn’t love kids right? Kids are the sunshine of your lives, the fulfillment of all things good! Well, not everyone feels that way, but some husbands (or wives!) will talk themselves into having kids just like I did. They figure that everyone feels this way at first but once you ahve the kid it will all be alright. They figure that they should make the sacrifice for their spouse. They think that all families have kids.

Well, my marriage is in shambles now because I didn’t listen to myself and just went along with what I thought was right. My wife didn’t listen close enough to me either, or thought that I would be a good father even if I wasn’t 100% on board. She wasn’t pushy or deceitful or anything. But now I am crushed because I know that I am not being the father that my kids need, I am not being the husband that I should or want to be, and I have no idea what to do about it.

You married your spouse, not potential kids. Do you want your spouse to have to deal with the failure of not loving his kids like he knows he should? To suffer from the feelings of guilt because he made a decision to give in to something that can’t ever be taken back, and then be sorry for it for the next 20 years (or forever)? I want the best for my kids, and I know that I am not giving it to them, and probably am not capable of it. That is a horrible thing to go through.

Breeder trolls again. . .

you have bought into the claptrap, they are blessings, actually if you read the bible children are a punishment from god and so is the pain, children have original sin according to the bible.

they can turn a happy person into a depressed, smelly, bag of hysteria.

you annalee are sexist, so having a baby is all a man is good for,

she is just trotting out the same standard bullshit responses, look at the world 1/3rd are starving, millions are made homeless, some children have no parents, are unloved, are they worthless, is only your DNA worth anything at all.

annalee why are you here, to convert more of these women into the cult of baby, if any partner doesnt want kids, then that kid will be unwanted and abuses do occur. take your head out of your religious bent, and think about the world.

people like you annalee are the ones who have made the world into the mess it is today. by unrestrained breeding.