Some Funnies You’ll Enjoy
1 06 2007A friend sent me these… you might have come across some of them before but they gave me a good laugh….
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,”Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”******************************************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,”I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.”Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
a joke
since its humour
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
“I’ll have the little green squid with the hairy lip please” says the man.
“O.K.” replies the waiter and calls out “Gervais!!”
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn’t the heart to kill the squid.
Not to worry” says the waiter, and calls out “Hans!!” at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
“Sir”, says the waiter, “this is Hans, the dishwasher.
Hans, kill that squid!” The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
“I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid” Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
“Well sir,” says the waiter, “it just goes to show.
Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais… With mild green, hairy lip squid.
and a while ago i re wrote some nursery rhymes, like little red riding hood. tom thumb and hansel and gretel, in a cf modern way
http://mercurior.blogspot.com/2006/03/little-red-riding-hood.html
http://mercurior.blogspot.com/2006/03/tom-thumb.html
http://mercurior.blogspot.com/2006/03/hansel-and-gretel.html
My favourite ‘joke’: (too much of it rings true…might not be that much of a joke!)
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “will you marry me?” The girl said, “NO!”.
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased…did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She watched chick flicks, never football, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.
The end!
ok how about this one
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “will you marry me?” The girl said, “NO!”.
And the guy lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever he pleased…did whatever the hell he wanted, never argued, travelled more, had many girlfriends, saved more money.
he watched football, and burped, swore, and farted all the time, without someone to change him.
is that funny too tanya or is it sexist..??