Childfree… And Criticized
4 06 2007If you are childfree, comfortable in your own skin (by which I mean society’s criticism doesn’t reduce you to a blubbering quiver of justification), you have at least a few childfree friends and/or access to positive childfree reading – like this blog or books – you might be forgiven for thinking that society has become more accepting of a person’s choice not to reproduce.
You’d be mistaken. For the childfree it’s still a hostile world out there since you haven’t bought into the myth of the child and the wonders of parenting. People who normally would not dare to voice an opinion about other aspects of your life still think that they know better than you what you should be doing with your uterus or reproductive tackle, and that they have the right to tell you that you are wrong.
Not that that should bother childfree people unduly. It’s my opinion that anyone who swims against the pro-natalistic tide is made of much stronger stuff than those who simply fall into step without thought and get swept along. You have to be stronger to survive the criticism that comes your way, whether this is of you personally or of people like you. Sadly, criticism comes with the territory (in our supposedly tolerant society) so it’s a good idea to be aware and not let your guard down completely lest you be side-swiped by someone taking offence at your choice.
I have come across several places where, if childfree people, or being childfree are discussed, the misconceptions (pardon the pun) of the childed about the childfree are quite astounding.
For example I’ve read in places that the childfree are a “movement” and, for that matter, are “banding together” no doubt to overthrow society and ban breeding, parents and children for ever. As far as I know there is no childfree political movement. We are too busy getting on with living our lives. We have of course all read ad nauseum that childfree people are selfish, uncaring, cold, lonely, compassionless, frivolous, mean parent-haters, yadda, yadda, yadda. These descriptors blithely ignore the fact that many of us are aunts and uncles, in some cases carers of kids and working with kids. Those who articulate these neagtive descriptions have probably never even met a childfree family or person – except in their own tiny minds. And, to complete the picture, all childfree people are supposed to hate all children – just for good measure. Misunderstood or what?
Should a childfree person dare voice an opinion (in the wrong forum) about something we don’t care for regarding either kids or parents (such as noise where we expect quiet, rowdiness that disrupts unecessarily), we’re compassionless, clueless, empty and judgemental. We don’t have kids of our own, say parents loftily, so how could we possibly understand that unruly or rowdy kids in adult places are just normal. Or that parents have to leave work earlier than their childfree (or childless) counterparts to tend to kids. Heck, changing a baby’s diaper on a restaurant table should be understood by all! Why? Well, because where else could the mother change their baby? Have we no understanding? (More on that one later).
And of course WE are trying to get the world to change to OUR way of thinking when we say we, as well as parents, have rights.
I’ve read places where people have been asked what they think of “these childfree people” or something that a childfree person has said or done. I’m amused when people say things similar to “well, I think it’s o.k. if people don’t want to have children, we all should be tolerant of each other.” “Or, I’m fine with people not wanting to have children…I have three and I don’t know how I’d live without them…I’m working on a fourth.” Tolerant?! Firstly, childfree men and women are not looking for society’s or anyone else’s “tolerance”. News – we are not lesser beings for not having bred. Secondly, we could care less if parents think it is “OK” for us not to want or have children. We aren’t seeking their blessing (although we more often than not receive their condemnation regardless) to live our lives as we see fit.
We’re tired of nosy childed and non-childed busy-bodies, whether these be family, strangers, or society in general telling us they know our minds, our partners, our relationships or what we’ll be doing and thinking in years to come and even our economic futures so much better than we do and seeing fit to inform us of same… whether or not they have made a success of their own lives.
And we are now refusing to suck it up as many would like us to and we’re speaking out against the status quo where it affects us.
The fact that a person has produced offspring really does not give them some divine right to tell me or any other childfree person who does not want kids that they should want them, that they don’t know what they are doing/saying/thinking, or that they are abnormal.
Childfree people do not have to justify their choice not to reproduce, so please don’t ask us “why we don’t have kids.”
It’s probably because we don’t want them. It’s that simple.
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
Excellent post, britgirl!
A Cf person - and let’s face it, especially a CF woman - has to be made of tough stuff.
CF people make others nervous, I think, because they’ve rejected the societal script. They realize that babies and children do not equal nirvana. It’s also easier to criticize CFers because it saves them from having to question their own choices and motivations. I’ve also noticed that any CF person I’ve met has made the decision after lengthy, careful consideration. How many parents can honestly say the same?
It makes me laugh when people try to guilt trip me into having children, though. So I should have them to please them?! I don’t think so. And when it comes to my uterus, guess what? Nobody else gets a vote. Simple.
Wonderfully said!!
I teach high school and I know that a few people think that if I like kids enough to teach them, I must want my own. Oh so wrong.
My CFness came later in life. I kinda sorta always thought I might maybe one day have a family. And I do. A wonderful family of me and my husband, who is wonderfully as CF as me, if not more.
What I love is that I have a fabulous mother in law who supports my husband and myself in our CFness. We have a few great CF friends who we can get together and vent about ‘the breeders’.
I admit….I’m one of the confrontational CFers. For every parent who tells me I am great with kids and I should have one and asks why I don’t, I turn it around and ask them WHY they had kids and do they ever regret losing that much sleep/sanity/money on a baby. Maybe I shouldn’t….but I can’t help myself.
it does seem to be more a case of other women, saying to cf women they should have kids, i have been told a few times i would make a great father, but these are comments by people who just see me once a week, they dont see my mood in the morning, they dont see my obsessions,
strangley i am confrontational male cf, but not many dare say anything to me, perhaps its because i am 6 foot tall and big, and i look evil sometimes
a long time ago i thought hell if she wanted children i would go along with it, it wasnt a concious decision in me to not have kids, until i knew that there was other groups, other people, who feel the same.
i do think that the cf should become more active in politics, if these parents actually hate the idea that we are getting organised the contrariness in me says, then we must be doing something right, and if it worries them, then they must know its unfair.
It’s so hard to be cf for me. I’m still not “out of the closet” to my family (except my mom), and was pretty much told by my dad and grandmother that they would absolutely not be OK if I chose to adopt later instead of bringing another poor soul into this world. I wish I could be as strong as you guys.
Great post! Hear, hear! I am very fortunate that my parents have accepted and respect my decision to remain CF. In fact, there are actually people that have tried to get them to push my husband and I into having kids, but fortunately, they refuse. My dad always tells them that if we don’t want to be parents, then we wouldn’t make good parents and that it’s our decision to make and ours alone. I feel very fortunate to have parents who feel this way as I know the majority don’t.
That said, I still get plenty of people who upon hearing we’re CF quickly dismiss it and say “Ha! You’ll change you’re mind.” This is so irritating because upon hearing someone is wanting to start a family, it would definitely not be “acceptable” to tell them the same thing. But that’s another rant for another day.
I get the feeling people in general have tendencies to comment on what are essentially private or personal decisions, whether it’s being CF, getting married, etc… When I bought my condo, all the “house” owners piped in with why I was doing the wrong thing from a financial/speculative/lifestyle point of view. Never mind that I know I am hausfrau-challenged, that I had already owned half a house with my brother and knew I didn’t want to see a lawn mover or snow shovel again, that I wanted the pool and tennis court and couldn’t afford a house with both these items. Never mind that we like the idea of not having to worry about all sorts of repairs and arrangements when we are away. Oh no, strangers or acquaintances do know best. What could I possibly know?
The thing about not having children is that it essentially boils don’t to two things: people are either childless because they can’t have them, or they are childfree because they don’t want them. I don’t know why people are so curious as to want to know which one it is, because if it’s the former, you are possibly broaching on a very personal matter that totally doesn’t concern you and shouldn’t have to be dredged up for the sake of your curiosity.
I think I’m constantly amazed by the presumption of people that it’s okay to ask these nosy questions to begin with. I always think, figure it out by what you see in front of you, and let it be. If the folks in question are close enough to you to confide in you, you’ll eventually be told what you need to know. In the meantime, MYOB should be taught as mandatory social etiquette. Get a life, folks, also works as an alternate philosophical base so that people can stay out of mine.
I agree, Anne-Marie, MYOB should be taught as mandatory social etiquette!
Great blog. I find it very frustrating that people always seem to imagine that I’m trying to persaude everyone else over to my pov… “and then there’ll be no children” I wouldn’t dream of trying to convince someone who wanted children that it would be a good idea not to have them and I have congratulation many a person on the birth of a child without commenting how glad I am that its not me. Why are so few people capable of respecting the cf choice in return?
Monk San - Thank you! Same here. I think they are incapable of respecting the cf choice because it reminds them that they had a choice and didn’t exercise it. Or that they see what they could have had. Or they see what they are going to have. It’s interesting that as a cf person I have never tried to convert any parent or anyone else to be childfree. Yet, I have no end of nosy parents and wannabes alike telling me, that, not only is having children the “right way”, and the “only way”, but even asking me… “but have you tried ivf? They can do miracles these days.. 40 is the new 20 for having kids, women in their 60’s can have them….
Gawd!
Great comments everyone….
Liz - Thanks! Given some of the reasons parents give for having children ( and for trying to encourage cf people to have them as well) I can say I have met very few who even give much thought to why they are having children). And most of these reasons when you come down to it are at the very least self centred.
Tanya - Like you my childfreeness came later in life and like you I also grew up thinking one day I’d probably have kids… and I am so glad I stopped and thought about it. As for being confrontational - perhaps we should take a leaf from your book
maybe then the busybodies wouldn’t dare to question our decision and lead into their intrusive questions about something that’s none of their business.
mercurior - one of my staunchly childfree male friends was watching over some kids for a friend at a wedding. The kids were being good and more well behaved than they ever were with their parents. Immediately the parents said, “Oh you’d make a great father!” He said “I can assure you I would not. But it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m not having kids.”
ab - take heart - you may not have the courage right now, but sooner or later you will have to find the courage to live your own life. Even if your parents don’t like it. It isn’t up to them if you have children…. it is up to you and only you.
Mel - thanks for this.. it’s great that your parents are in your corner and support you. That’s a big plus. As for the “bingoes” yes they are very irritating. But the key is spotting them for what they are…”bingoes!”
Anne-Marie - hear, hear. I think MYOB should not only be taught, but we should say that whenever anyone thinks it’s their business to ask why we aren’t reproducing.For example
Nosy question - ” Why don’t you have kids?”
CF response - ” Why don’t you mind your own business?” or, “Mind your own business…” or even, if you want to be polite: “please mind your own business.” Or, if you don’t want to be quite so polite: “What bloody business it it of yours?”
Now I’m grinning because this has given me an idea… wonder how many variations we could get? I can think of several… can you?
I can see that ending the conversation quite nicely
Christine - Me three!
Damn I was late off the mark again. You shine girl. This post was brilliant!
You really nailed it here.
I’ve recommended this as a must read on our blog!
I usually don’t get the “why don’t you have kids” question because when they ask if I have them, I usually respond “Gawd, no!” with a widening of my eyes and general rearing back.
That conveys my feelings about it pretty well!
I also like the idea of asking back: “Why did you have kids?”
[...] June 6th, 2007 in Links This blog post is very elequent in it’s discussion of childfree [...]
Well said!
I too like the “why would I?” response to the why don’t you have kids question. The question implies that having kids is the correct path and not having them is deviant enough that it must be questioned and explained.
To me, if any decision could use an explanation, it would be the one that is centered around adding a host of complications, expenses, and difficulty into one’s life for 18+ years, not the one that chooses to remain as they’ve always been and minimize further hassle and hardship in life.
Now, I’m mainly kidding here in that I do understand why people have kids, at least I understand many reasons for it. What I don’t understand is what is so hard to understand about not wanting kids. It seems to me we childfree overall don’t go around asking the childed why they have kids, nor do we as others pointed out tell them we think they will “change their mind” later in life–can you imagine!! But yet many parents simply can’t seem to grasp that not everyone is gaga for being a Mom or Dad and why that may be.
It seems to me many parents suffer from self absorption syndrome, which causes people to believe that everyone else is or should be just like them, and which is an “illness” plaguing much of contemporary society and is in no way exclusive to parents alone.
As others pointed out, many these days are nosy and intrusive in general. My husband and I hear it all from such people on a regular basis, from choices about how we spend our money, where we live, how we handle our healthcare, where we shop, and so on. It is just part of a know it all culture and an intense self absorption that prevents people from realizing that not everyone is like them and, more important, not every should be! Seems to me that most childfree understand this while many childed (or perhaps it is just the vocal ones?) somehow seem to have trouble with that concept.
There’s something very condescending about thinking you know what is best for everyone. My proposal to the childed: You probably know what’s best for you, and if parenthood is it, well that’s great for you. But, please don’t assume that that is also what is best for me. I’ll return the favor by not assuming the being childfree is what is best for you. Deal?
(Note: My generalizations in this post are based on my personal experiences and I def. do not believe that ALL people of any group adhere to these generalizations. Such statements are only about the majority of people I’ve encountered within each group.)
Timethief - you’re never late here
Teri - thanks - and for the plug on Purple Women! We have nothing to justify and nothing to apologize for… and the sooner people realize that the better for us all.
M- thanks! Spot on, and well said the question really does imply that having children is the norm and not going down that path or even questioning it is somehow deviant. It would be great if more and more childfree men and women ask the childed “why would I?” when they ask why we don’t have kids. (Aside from myob, that is).
Anne - Marie mentioned the intrusiveness she got over her condo… I had similar when describing my condo once… I was informed that you can’t beat a house and yard for bringing up kids…. I got a lot of pleasure in saying well it suited us because we not having kids. The person, a woman looked shocked, then recovering said… “well there’s time… you should never say never…”
RMS - I shall have to try that
LauraS on PW said this, and it made me laugh so much but I love it…
“I like when people ask me why I don’t have kids. I embrace it as a teachable moment…”
I like that a lot. Any teachable moment from LauraS won’t be forgotten in a hurry either lol.