In my last post I made reference to the fact that often childfree people are expected to not only “put up or shut up” but also accept some of the outrageous things that some childed do without question. Parents know best and childfree people can’t possibly understand, so we’re told.
According to this article I came across the other day, we are clueless as well as guilty of “blame the mother.”
The actual link to the Ellie and and Ellie’s column doesn’t work. Here is the link to Ellie’s column, thanks to reader Mel. It’s called Tabletops are not for diapers
And you can also get the gist of the story from the writer of this article.
In a restaurant one day a mother changed her baby on a restaurant table. A diner wrote to Ellie asking how she, the diner, should have reacted. The diner actually spoke to her waitress who told the manager of the restaurant. The manager told the mother she was out of line and apologized to the other patron.
KBaggot, (the writer) argues that she has nothing but sympathy for the mother who changed her baby’s diaper on the table in a restaurant, claiming that a shortage of changing facilities left her little choice but to do so.
Now, there may have been no changing facilities in the restaurant. But no other place other than the table where you serve food?
Ellie said the mother should not have changed the baby’s diaper on a surface where food is to be placed in full view and smell of other diners. And she said it falls into the category of “Entitlement Behaviour” on the mother’s part. She also said that the mother may have acted impulsively, ignoring anyone else’s needs but her baby’s.
Now, I think there should be facilities provided in rest rooms. On the other hand could the mother not have called ahead and asked what facilities they did have? Aside from that though, HOW do you change a soiled diaper on a restaurant table?? And how so people think that is excusable?
KBaggot sees no such problem. She says, instead:
“Notice how neither Ellie, the quoted manager, nor the letter writer mention whether a change table was available in one or both of the restaurant rest rooms? In most restaurants, there is none. A babyless Ellie, patron and manager would all fail to see the shortage here, I am nothing but sympathetic. In my career as a parent to babies, I have been directed by restaurant managers to change my baby on dining room booth seats and on the floor of restaurant washrooms…a health issue far more serious than changing a baby on a table top that should be wiped with disinfectant after each sitting.”
She assumes Ellie, the waitress, the patron and the manager – were all “babyless”. I’m not sure quite how she came to that conclusion. I can only surmise that because all were apparently complicit in either complaining about, or criticism of the mother, then they must not have children and must, therefore be guilty of “blame the mother.”. A shortage of changing facilities, in her eyes, seems to justify something disgustingly unhygienic – changing a baby on an eating surface.
I think it’s absolutely gross and completely selfish.
But here again, childfree people (or those who by their actions must be childfree-like because they don’t agree the mother did what she had to) are to blame for not knowing. And not understanding. And as usual for daring to speak out and say that changing your baby’s diaper on a restaurant table is not acceptable.
Her conclusion is that childfree people are clueless – because a parent would have understood, and not criticised the mother know she would have had “no choice”.
Was there really nowhere other than a table in full view of other diners for the mother to change a diaper?
And why is it a crime to criticise?
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
what you mean criticise the almighty mother of the next einstein/dahmer.
would she want me to do that on a table in front of her, she is involved in her own little world, where she is worshipped for doing a natural thing.
Calling ahead to find out if a restaurant has baby changing facilities would require the mother to think ahead, not to mention HORRIBLY INCONVENIENCE her by making her make a phone call. Most of these Gen Y and late Gen X mommies not only don’t possess the cognitive skills to plan ahead, but the ones that do are too lazy to go out of their way to make that phone call.
I’ve become way too cynical, I’ll admit, but every conversation I’ve had with entitlement minded breeders goes like this:
Me: Couldn’t you call ahead to make sure they have the facilities you need? Or stick to restaurants that you know have them?
Breeder: I shouldn’t HAVE to call ahead!! Every restaurant should cater to me! I’m special — I’m a MOMMY. I shouldn’t have to be limited to restaurants that have baby changing facilities. If YOU don’t like seeing my baby’s dirty diaper next to the table where you are eating, then YOU should stay home, bitch!
They always sing the same completely unreasonable and irrational (not to mention, anti-social) behavior – If I don’t like something, I should suck it up or go home. If they don’t like something, the whole world should have to change to accommodate them. Ridiculous.
Any reasonable, rational person would NOT change a diaper on a dining table. So we obviously are not talking about reasonable, rational people here.
The real answer here is that they change diapers and breast feed in public for the attention. That’s the bottom line, no matter what load of excuses they try to unload on you. They want everyone in the room to notice them, and don’t care if it’s negative attention or positive attention, as long as they are getting attention. Pretty pathetic.
and there are such things as changing mats that you can take with you, to change their ” precious” chyld, but they want us and everyone else to worship them because they opened their legs and pooted out a baaaaabbby
Pheona, I think I’ve taught the children of those “any attention, positive or negative”. Surprise! These apples are like the tree they fell from.
And on a day where Paris Hilton has been upgraded to house arrest. I guess the cocaine diet is hard to come by in the clink.
I have to agree with Phoena. If that comment about calling ahead is mentioned on a mummy forum, there will be 983748716432871 replies whining that they should not HAVE to do this, that the general public SHOULD BOW DOWN TO THE PROVIDERS OF THE FUTURE!! *snark*
Fact of the matter is, this is unsanitary and just gross. Yes, babies need to be changed and they will be more miserable if NOT changed, but there is a time and a place for everything. THIS is not the place.
How would mummy feel if I slapped my wounded knee on the restaurant table and proceeded to change my wound dressings and clean up the stitches? My knee needs attention as well and if the dressing is dirty enough, I might get an infection and that could cause bigger problems for me than diaper rash.
Love the entitlement!
I’m a mother of two small children, myself – I would never dream of changing my child’s diaper on any table where food is served – that’s just gross.
Just as I don’t want to be bothered by other folks’ annoying behaviors in a restaurant; I am considerate of the affect of my children’s behavior on others dining near us. I wouldn’t dare bring our toddlers out to eat in a fine restaurant, it’s just inappropriate. Furthermore, mothers should know better than to leave the home unprepared! Even if public spaces do have changing facilities they are usually not well kept anyway.
While I think this particular woman is an idiot, I think some of you may have the “almighty mother, worship me, notice me” thing all wrong. ALL of the mothers I know have to work harder because they ARE mothers. We lose our career potential, and end up earning much less than our child-free sisters.
Yes, it was my choice to have kids and it was yours not to – so what? By the way, not everyone actually makes the “choice” to have children.
It’s just common courtesy folks! What the hell ever happened to good old fashioned manners? Are we all so self-absorbed/self-righteous that we are unable to notice when our own behavior becomes moronic and/or imposing?
A Mom: I’d just like to point out that not all child-free women are big earners. I’m certainly not!
And as for losing your career potential – with all due respect, unless you live in a cave, surely you must know you take that risk by deciding to have children?
i myself speak in generalities, i know some great parents, with actually some great kids, but they are in the minority, you must admit that theres a lot of bad parenting out there today.
we who dont have kids, we see it slightly more than most, because of who we are and what we are, my cousin paul and sarah are the best parents they have two wonderful children, smart, talented, the works.
i know a woman single mother, who expects everyone to worship her 3 kids, (by 3 different men), and expect someone else to pay for everything else, a tooth job, boob job, the works, and she isnt even sleeping with him.
amongst all the bad (which there are more) there are some great parents.
a mom, it was your decision to have that child, as you said “We lose our career potential”, if it was an accident, there are always ways and means to solve it, adoption is one, if abortion isnt for you. but you chose to keep it.
maybe you are a great mother, i dont know, but i speak in generalities, as there is always exceptions to the rule. we dont want to impose our rules on others, we in fact the childfree aim to be the most democratic.
we want everyone parents and non parents to be treated the same in the work place, we want to be able to walk down the street without people saying you will change your mind when its your own, we dont want bad parents to have bad kids which will affect you, and me, and everyone else.
we want to be able to go out and not have our evenings ruined due to unnecessary noises, which does affect parents out without their kids. we want to be able to live how we want, and not have parents tell us we are freaks, or that we are selfish.
I did a little research and found the original article: http://www.ellieadvice.com/column.php?date=2007-02-06
it sounds like this story from about a year ago,
Though the South Beach, Florida store in question was closed for renovations this past Sunday, some mothers gathered at a Starbucks and held a “nurse-in” to protest the expulsion of a woman named Nicole Coombs from the store. Coombs claims that she was asked to leave for breast-feeding her 4-month old son. The Starbucks manager, however, maintains that Coombs was asked to leave for changing her baby’s diaper on one of the tables in the cafe.
Coombs states that the store manager asked her to leave while she was breastfeeding. She said she would leave as soon as she was done, because she was so outraged that she did not want to remain in the store. Then, according to Coombs, she proceeded to change her baby’s diaper. She does not deny that she changed the baby on the table where people ordinarily eat. Now, the store manager says that he did not say anything to Coombs about breast feeding, which is perfectly acceptable in the store. He contends that he approached her as she changed her baby on the table and asked her to stop. When she refused, she was asked to leave.
Management and employees of that Starbucks store have never had any problems with nursing mothers in the past and have many women with infants as regular customers. This tends to support the store’s side of the story, though the protesting mothers clearly support Coombs. They believe that Starbucks may have broken a Florida law that allows mothers to breastfeed anywhere they are legally allowed to be.
Unfortunately, Coombs’ story doesn’t make that much sense, so it is entirely possible that she is clinging to it to hang on to her 15 minutes of fame. If she was really outraged, why would she have remained to change her baby’s diaper? And, regardless of the situation, why on earth would she change the baby on the table?
http://www.slashfood.com/2006/06/15/moms-protest-south-beach-starbucks/
mercurior – I don’t particularly find breast feeding in public particularly attractive, but dare to say that and you’re “anti-mother.”
a mom – What makes you believe that all childfree people are high earners? And, as has been said, if you have kids you run the risk of their impact on your career. That’s common knowledge. For the record, I know many mothers who earn a lot more than I do.
“Yes, it was my choice to have kids and it was yours not to – so what?” If childed people could ask themselves this question, child-free people would not have to put up with half the ignorant and stereotypical nonsense we get from them. Nonsense that often results in the childfree being required to defend their choice, when no such requirement is made of parents.
Mel – Wow, thanks for that. I’m going to include it in the article as a link.
Mercurior – “we dont want to impose our rules on others, we in fact the childfree aim to be the most democratic.”
We don’t. Unlike many parents whose life goal seems to be to convert every childfree person they know into a mother – and for some reason think that we are unable to think for ourselves or know what we want.
i am not against breast feeding in essence, but i do say they should be a little discreet about it, not this look at my breast route that so many mothers go down.
its when its obvious, why arent these women arrested for public indecency, if a man was bursting to go to the toilet and urinates in an alley, he could be arrested for it. if breast feeding was under a blanket, then i wouldnt have a problem.
yes, the cf are more equality minded, why should mothers get benefits that childfree dont, whether its at work or in the home.
Clarification: I never wrote that child-free folks were high-earners. I meant that all things being equal; same education, qualifications etc. a woman with a child/children would end up earning much less in her lifetime than a woman one without children. And, Liz of course I realize that (loss of career potential) was a valid risk of my decision to have children (though I do, oddly enough, live in a somewhat cave). I was simply trying to make the point that becoming a mother is not as socially rewarding or glamorous as what I’d read in earlier posts.
By the way, I’d like to know what states you’re all posting from. So I’ll know not to move there – sounds like folks with kids in your areas are truly misguided.
A Mom, and I quote “we end up earning much less than our child-free sisters”. That, to me, implies that you think all childfree are big earners. I was merely pointing out that we are not. I know mothers who are in the same profession, same experience and qualifications as me who earn EXACTLY the same as I do. I never stated that becoming a mother was socially rewarding or glamorous. Merely that you can’t expect to take time off to raise kids and expect your career to be unaffected.
Your last sentence makes no sense whatsoever to me, I’m afraid.
i know of one case where this young woman, went to work, got pregnant after the legally required year in work, then went off on maternity, the job legally had to be kept open for her, so she came back,… then 3 months later.. got pregnant again.. so in about 3 years she has only worked 15 months.. is that fair.
A Mom- With adoption, Baby Night Drop, abortion, tubal ligation, Depo-Provera, Nuva Ring, condoms, intra-uterine devices and a plethora of birth control pills, ALL children were born by choice. There’s no such thing as not having a choice about having kids in the US. There are far too many ways to give up a child, terminate a pregnancy, or prevent one in the first place for parenting to not be a choice.
As for the post itself, I’d ask any Moo that does that kind of crap if it’s okay for me to take a dump in the dining room whenever the women’s restroom is out of order. Same thing to me.