Sarah Churchwell believes that there is more to life than motherhood. She’s right. In the light of yet another report trotted out to tell women if they don’t get pregnant now, they’ll rue the day, it’s refreshing to read of someone who doesn’t succumb to the scare tactics of breed now or regret it for ever.
Why I’m so happy to be childless, says highflyer.
I would have preferred she used the term childfree rather than childless, but then, we can’t have everything. Maybe she doesn’t consider herself childfree (yet). In the light of the overall article though, I consider it a moot point. For me the most puzzling words of the article were the opening words:
“Incredibly, the majority of female graduates nearing 40 are childless.” Why incredibly? This has been happening for a few years now and I don’t find anything “incredible” about it.
I found Churchwell’s article down to earth. It also echoed many of my thoughts as a childfree person as well as of other childfree people. Churchwell has said she doesn’t want children, just that they are not for her right now and she isn’t prepared to pursue motherhood despite the pressures that she should do so. And children may never be for her. Hopefully she will be at peace with that too, it seems she will.
Here are just a few of the things that resonated with me:
- Just because you have a man in the picture, it’s no reason to breed. She could have had kids with any one of the more interesting types that came into her life.. but didn’t. No child can make up for a bad relationship.
- She had no intention of becoming a single mother
- Wanting children by hook or by crook – or by IVF – is not a foregone conclusion just because you’re a woman.
- She too has faced the implication that women who decide not to have children are selfish hedonists bent on pursuing their own desires and neglecting their obligation to the survival of the species…
- Having children isn’t necessarily an unselfish decision (don’t we know it)
- Many parents are driven by narcissm (don’t we know that one too…)
- Many have children for appalling reasons – such as insurance against growing old alone, or being needy (why people think that children are a guarantee against loneliness this is beyond me)
- The double standard when a woman has a career vs when a man has a career
Read her article for yourself. We need more smart, intelligent people like Churchwell to counter the child or nothing position of most of society.
And then read the comments. Many are supportive of Churchwell, but as always there are several with the “nothing can compare to having children/she can’t know what she’d missing/ she sounds defensive/career woman – you’re giving up the chance to have your fantastic kids around you…” spiel.
But I liked this comment from “Foozie” in Holland:
“Sarah, I entirely recognise the way you describe your experiences. To my mind you are living the life that is in my view considered to be a taboo. The general view on the course of a woman’s life is: grow up, possibly get an education, but definitely find a man, get married and have children. In this perception there’s a lot of ‘rules’ that almost are commandments you shouldn’t act against. Funnily enough women seem to re-enforce this ‘dream’ that has many stories that proof the contrary. And many, often kids in the first place, suffer the consequences.
Wouldn’t it be something that people don’t idealize the fairy-tale of marriage or any comparable partnership and the responsibility of giving birth to a life and bring that new person up to a happy, balanced human being, without expecting him or her to ‘repay’ you. That would keep many people from having kids, since that often seems a silent expectation.
Enjoy your life the best way you know, I think there is lots of value in your view.”
As for me? I thought it was a brilliant article. The more articles like this the better!
What do you think?
Thanks to mercurior for sending me the link to the story.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
i have noticed that most of these articles are focused on the women, theres even fewer articles about male childfree. (men dont know its ok to not have kids)
i think that these high flyers, are thinkers, they work out is it good for them, is it best for their company, for them to have children.
basically, the smarter women are delaying having children, if having them at all, because they see that its not all roses and butterflies having children.
we need more men and women writing speaking, talking, to say being cf is as valid as being a parent, or gay, or whatever. so yes more articles (and it seems that a lot more pro cf articles in major papers are being produced)
I fathered my first child at 31. I could have gone through life with out being a father and would have felt my life complete. I now have 3 children, and there are times when I wonder what if, no children, no wife, there are times I look at the money it takes to head a house hold of 5. My proudest moment in my life is not of the many adwards, I have recieved, nor the sports success I enjoyed, It was holding my son for the first time Saying all that to say, yes you can be and most likly are a complete woman child less.Would you be happier or feel more complete with children? That cannot be answered, since I experience both, childless untill 31 and now as a parent of 3. I am happier and more complete with children. May God Bless
That was a great article. Although many comments said that she was needlessly defensive, I think that the reason most childfree are defensive is because we’re the ones who get bombarded with the questions at family and work functions so we just naturally slip into that “mode” whenever the topic comes up. Those that have children are never questioned their decision by others (although there are times they should be). I agree that we should not have to defend our choice to be childfree, however, society feels otherwise. If those who have children don’t want us to sometimes get defensive, they shouldn’t treat us like we need to defend our choice.
if your life felt complete before having kids, why have them then.
if you had everything you wanted, why change it? i assume you were happy to be without child, so what changed it, was a case of its different if its your own?
technically childless are people who have a medical reason to not have children, they are missing out on something, but the childfree are free of children. a childless can become childfree, if they decide its not worth all the ivf bother.
Mercurior, you’re absolutely correct. We’ve moved from childless (although no one can quite figure out why we can’t, but the fact remains that we haven’t been able to) to something approaching childfree. We’ve decided against all the interference like ivf, haven’t really felt motivated enough to adopt, and in the meantime, are just enjoying life together. It seems to keep us more than busy, but we seem to avoid all the questions and intrusions because people around us think of us as childless rather than the latter, and probably still figure there’s a small chance we’ll conceive. At 44 1/2, I doubt I’m going to get pregnant anytime soon after 8+ years of trying, but there you go.
I think, in general, that people always question those who resist or defy what is considered the norm, or what is most common. I don’t get defensive, just like I don’t get defensive when people envy my long summer holidays as a teacher. People can always go to Teachers’ College and have the same lifestyle they seem to envy me for, but they don’t seem to jump at the idea when I suggest it. I think it’s unfortunately part of human nature to be negative towards options that are the opposite of what you’ve chosen, whether it’s jobs, family structures, houses, etc… I frankly can’t be bothered to defend my choices, as I’m too busy enjoying them, and just challenge everyone to do the same. Bitterness and anger is a wasted emotion on all sides. Life is short, people, just enjoy the choices you’ve made and make MYOB one of those choices unless you’re actually involved in them.
mercurior – I too would love to see more articles of this type written by men. I used to feel that the men didn’t get as much pressure from society to reproduce, but I’ve since changed my view on that. Men are given a lot of stick for not being fathers – such as being told they’re irresponsible, immature etc and that fatherhood makes a man. On one hand I think, as you say, they might not realize they have a choice. We’ve seen the pressure that can be brought to bear from spouses with baby fever – aka have a kid or I’m leaving you. But I also think that men are more supportive of each other’s decisions than women… and more and more men want to be in control of their reproduction, which is good.
JD – I think one either feels complete or incomplete. Not sure I understand what “more complete” is. I can speak for myself… when you say would I – or anyone – be happier or more complete with children… the answer to that is No.
Because I feel happy and complete in and of myself as I am. So I wouldn’t spoil a good thing by adding children. I have never felt I needed a child to complete or fulfill me.
Sadly, women are still sold a bag of goods when they are told by society (and when they believe) that without children they are “unfulfilled” and doomed to “unhappiness”. It’s one of the more damaging myths of motherhood about today.
And I would add that it’s more than most likely that a woman can be complete without children. Because childless denotes “lack” or something missing I am child-free – which means I made a deliberate choice. But even if a woman regards herself as “childless” it is not an indication that she is incomplete.
Mel – I find it interesting that (usually childed people) many times come up with the “defensiveness” label. Very good point you make.
One even said, so she’s childfree, why does she have to tell everyone? She’s being defensive. Because they are completely unaware that we are bombarded on all sides by the message that we must breed to be women. The difference is childfree folk have refused to buy it and childed people to a greater or lesser extent have.
“If those who have children don’t want us to sometimes get defensive, they shouldn’t treat us like we need to defend our choice.”
Well said. And personally I think we should ignore when people say we are defensive and simply say what we feel anyway.
“One even said, so she’s childfree, why does she have to tell everyone? She’s being defensive.”
Britgirl, I’m not sure if you are referring to me or not on this part of your comment, but I have a feeling I was expressing myself poorly if you were. I am not defensive about anything in life, perhaps just mellowing with age and the realisation that there are nosy ignorant people all over the place and that I do not necessary need to engage them anymore unless I actually have significant relationships with them. I think we have evolved (or devolved, to borrow a term from a great band) into a society where people are overly concerned with other people’s choices and seem to think they need to comment and seek clarification on too many of them. I’ve come to decide in recent years that much of what constitutes my life is personal, and neither needs the condemnation and judgement from those who don’t share the view, nor the approval from those who may. I get it, I’m living it, and while I know I’d be screaming across the rooftops if anyone ever threatened my choices, I don’t feel I need to tell anyone much of anything anymore. I don’t think of this as a defensive position, and have found that indifference when dealing with blowhards is actually a very effective response- they dislike being ignored much more than being put in their place.
i dont think britgirl was talking about you anne marie, we the cf get asked so often to change our minds, so after the 3 millionth time, we get a little annoyed. she was talking about a comment on that story.
even i have started to be more on the alert for potential bingos. i am slightly more defensive to people. because i know they will say the usual
Anne- Marie: I was not referring to you. Why would I be? I was, as mercurior said, referring to a comment made by someone about the author of the Daily Mail story.
Oh, I wasn’t sure if you were or not, and no harm done, but I did reread my original comments and found them rather muddled. I am in a bit of a muddle these days- school year-ends are usually frantic and hectic at best, and a heat wave in a 117 year-old building with no AC relief and sporadic fans doesn’t make my thinking any clearer. I didn’t think I had expressed myself too well the first time and just wanted to clarify.
Mercurior, I understand being frustrated, believe me- I’m just getting too old to even bother changing the minds of those determined to be judgemental and narrow-minded. I tend to just walk away these days or refuse to get engaged at all in the discussion.
Oh, on a related note, my latest Teacher Federation magazine has an interesting article about declining enrolment. It appears that the decline in school enrolment in Ontario from 2003 to 2006 has been over 35, 000 students and that there is a tsunami on the horizon in terms of the demographic drop in elementary school age children. Why knew? I guess after the boom, the Xers, and the Echo-boom, we will now have the Echo-Xers.
Anne – Marie – no problem, understood. There’s no changing some people’s minds in some cases.
On the other hand, being able to blog about and highlighting how misinformed some people are about child-free people, being able to say it like it is if we’re pissed off at yet another bingo or tactless comment; and giving childfree people the opportunity to rant about the latest bingo if they want to is something I enjoy. At least we can feel we’re not alone… I know many cf folk feel very much alone.
Someone was saying, in another forum, talking about the blog, that it’s good to see more child-free stuff on the internet… and not stuff that handles mothers/parents with kid gloves, but unapologetic childfree living.
mercurior – I almost always get one kid question…when meeting people of a certain age for the first time .
The thing I despise most is the pontificating from so many people with kids. These people really feel that having a child legitimizes and validates them as people. They try to invoke ENVY in others by saying “you have no clue what real love is until you have a baby”, “Before children I was selfish and stupid”, and other crazy ass shit to elevate themselves above the non-parents. It really is arrogance in the most annoying form. THEY are more evolved than you because THEY have “given life”.
We really ought to stop buying into this crap because all studies point to parenthood being a lackluster experience. Parents are more depressed, their marriages fail at a higher rate than childless couples, they are more likely to stay in an unhealthy marriage which wreaks havoc on their emotional well-being and poorly influences their offspring, they have less time and energy for intimacy than childless couples…
basically it’s not the cakewalk they portray and I for one am glad to not be buying into the hype.
i dont get them often britgirl, but sometimes, but they see the force of my passion, and they frequently avoid the question
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yes anne marie its not as bad as my fiancee, she get the bingos all the time she lives in a super pro natalistic area. and being childfree is somehow evil.
with me in my case i love discussing things like that, as you may have read on here i am a good at arguing
.. and i do make a few people go mm never thought of it like that.. is it having an effect maybe. but i keep doing it. its a tiny thing but as like in an avalanche there is a point when just one small snowflake destroys a village.
CFC – Yes, I’ve seen several of the “I used to be a childfree person, (just like you) selfish and travelling around the world, then I got real, heard the tick tock of my biological clock and realized the folly of my ways…” or similar crap. Some don’t see that being childfree is a state of mind not a stage you go through en route to parenting… And I do wonder why so many buy into the myth when there is abundant evidence that the parenting life is not all roses. Maybe to feel more than what they are?