Do Children Make You Happy? - A Childfree View
20 06 2007I have to warn you that visiting this particular post might make you roll your eyes. Or rant. Or a combination of both. It might even annoy you :). You’ll have to make up your own mind.
Brightfeather sent me this interesting link (thank you BF!) and of course being the curious person I am I wanted to see what the Happiness Project was all about. And of course I have a view. According to many of the responses to the article (and you know that comments are often the most revealing bit, right?) on The Happiness Project children make you happy. Or do they?
According to some studies - no, they don’t.
Well, even if they do, I’m happy to be childfree. Children would not make me happy. Why do people find that so hard to believe?
In Stumbling on Happiness says Gretchen the blog writer, prominent psychologist Daniel Gilbert argues that children don’t, in fact, make their parents happy. (By the way The link only refers to his book and not to the point made below (I searched for it to no avail) so I’m only linking to him because I thought it fair to mention him. The book does look like an interesting read though. And I have seen his reference before so I am going to check my research links. Meanwhile
“He points to studies that show that marital satisfaction plummets after the birth of the first child and increases after the last child has left home, and to research that shows that a group of women found childcare only slightly more pleasant than housework.
“So why do people think children bring happiness? Gilbert argues that without the successful transmission of that inaccurate belief, society would crash—no one would have kids. Also, he says, when people think about having kids, they imagine the fun and success, but not the inconvenience and anxiety.”
I thought the article was interesting for a number of reasons, not least the fact that almost all the commentators agreed that children make you happy.
As a childfree woman who is told by almost every parent that who discovers I am childfree, that children will bring me such the ultimate happiness and fulfilment and that my life – well, it just isn’t as “meaningful” since I don’t have kids – when reading some of the comments I thought “now we may know, at least in part, why the childed are convinced that childfree people are selfish. Because they were – and it took children to “knock the selfishness out of them.” So now they are, according to them, perfectly unselfish, leaving that crown to us.
Now, I would not say that children do not in many cases bring happiness. I would say that they can and they often do. However children do not bring happiness in all cases. And I think that many believe children will make them happy and that’s why they have them. I mean, as women we are indoctrinated from the time we can speak to believe that we will never be happy without having a child, and preferably many children. Society is entirely geared to support and enhance at any cost this myth premise, myth and when the childfree (who obviously by their choice have not needed children to provide them with happiness) disagree with what we seem to have been sold, are roundly shouted down, derided and criticized.
It is heartening that Gilbert believes that children do not bring happiness.
But Gretchen also says that she cannot accept that children do not bring happiness. Why not?
Some children bring their parents nothing but misery. Sometimes it’s the parent’s fault. Often it isn’t the parents fault - they did everything they could and they still ended up with a social misfit or a criminal or simply a rebellious teen who will bring nothing but grief to their parents – and anyone else who chooses not to disown them.
But of course, when the parents meet down at the police station to bail out their delinquent kid (yet again) this is never mentioned – it’s kept very very quiet.
Until they do an Ann Landers survey that is (and yes I know it’s old, but it is still relevant). Then they pour their hearts out, and one of their refrains is that had they known they would never had had children, because they don’t know why, but their children had wrecked their lives. It’s clear that children most certainly do not always bring happiness. Interesting, that by some we are told, “I love my kids, but… you’re wise not to have them).
We just don’t get to hear about it as much as the “kids are wonderful, blah”.
We are not simply talking about expense, about aggravation, about picking up toys, about chaos. The children in the post are obviously still fairly young. But they don’t stay young.
Instead parents will was lyrical about babies – and quote –
“Children are essential to my feeling right. Being a parent, holding your baby in your arms, taking your place in the circle of life…it’s corny but it’s true. Most people just wouldn’t feel right if they didn’t have kids. (Again, I recognize that some people don’t want kids; I’m not tackling the issue of their happiness here.)”
Now, to be fair she isn’t tackling the issue of people who do not want kids – childfree people. So my intention isn’t to slate, because this is her view of how she feels.
And when she says that most people just wouldn’t feel right if they didn’t have kids, I agree with her that many people don’t feel right if they don’t have children. So they feel they must have one. To feel right. This isn’t really a good reason to have them - and it is also a selfish one, if you are not thinking about the child. But we know women buy it because they then tell us that we can’t feel right if we don’t have kids.
One commentator even said that children are a sign to show “look how well they have done..!” I feel that this is part of what fuels the continued stigma (and bingoes) against childfree people. Having children is “right.” By default, not having children is “not right.” As a childfree person who is happy just as she is, is thankful for every childfree day and enjoys life – and knows many childfree people who are equally happy as they are, and do not have the essential need to have children to feel “right” or “happy” I have to shake my head.
And as for taking your place in the circle of life…. by this are we to believe that if you haven’t produced said children you don’t have a place in the “circle of life” or you’ve deserted? For the record I believe it may be true for some, but by no means for all… even some who have had children. But women buy this stuff. It’s pretty powerful.
And then, whether the reality matches the baby dream or not., they lose no time in trying to convince anyone who hasn’t produced progeny to do so – quickly, or they will be left out of it.
Personally I believe that happiness is a state of mind and a by-product of being content with who you are and your being. A state of being. Chasing happiness through having children, thinking that children are going to give you happiness (how fair is that?) is something that thankfully I never needed to do.
And, once again, selfishness implies hurting another person. It’s another myth that having children is unselfish, quite the reverse. And I am still waiting for someone to enlighten me as to just who is hurt if a couple decide to be childfree and enjoy they life they were given to live.
Read the article (if you feel able to) and comments and let me know what you think.
Technorati Tags: childfree, fulfilment, happiness through having children
ok, theres a chemical thats released during birth (and during breastfeeding),
One of the endorphins, beta-endorphin, is 18–50 times more effective than morphine, while another, called dynorphin, is over 500 times stronger.
The high level of endorphins at birth make mom alert and welcoming to her baby, and without these, mom and baby may not get the full effect of instinctive bonding that they would get otherwise
(http://www.bellaonline.com/ArticlesP/art46336.asp)
so when a woman has a child she becomes addicted, and like any addict she is “blissfull”, which makes it hard to remember the bad. and because these chemicals, it becomes more a sense of happiness to feel complete, essentially its a drug addiction.
but once the false happiness fades, reality intrudes, and they find ah.. its not all rosy, but because of the pressure of others who still are addicted, they find it hard to reply. imagine speaking to a drug addict, and saying its not good for you, and you will see a similar response. anger at suggesting that all it is is a chemical high, and not real happiness.
at least thats my theory.
Wow. *shakes head*. They try their best,but most parents simply can’t help the moral superiority that all too often accompanies parenthood.
It seems particularly bad with this generation of parents - they act like they invented it!
As for happiness, I believe we each have to take responsibility for our own. Relying on someone else to make you happy, whether it’s children or not, will get you in trouble sooner or later.
I was thinking, as I read the article, about a George Michael song, of all things. There’s a line about “be good to yourself, because nobody else has the power to make you happy.”
Women have traditionally been told that they need to be married to be happy, and having children is just an extension of that. It’s as though we can’t be content by ourselves, and that we need the man and child to be complete. Neither is true, and I believe that happiness is achieved from within, and not derived from having a partner or child. Being coupled does not bring you happiness, though as a society, there is the same tremendous pressure to find a mate, and I would bet that women or men who proclaim that they aren’t looking for one face the same incredulity as those who are childfree.
If you are not happy with yourself, with your life, with what you have, adding a child to that won’t change it. You can’t pin your happiness on someone else. It just won’t happen.
I got a nasty email from a “holier than thou” mother telling me I’d never know happiness or understand anything until I have a baby. I googled her and found all her dirty little secrets posted on mommy boards. Turns out she’s a drug addict, her husband can’t support them so she’s been forced to go back to work and she’s unhappy with her life. Gee, one might think the only reason she lashed out at me is that my life DOESN’T suck from having kids and she’s mad. Amusing, no?
While I believe it’s possible that kids bring *some* happiness into a parent’s life, I think that’s only a small fraction of what they get. I think of it like i think of my cats: They bring happiness into my life and they amuse me, but sometimes they are a pain in the neck. I don’t mind the litter box, or sweeping up cat hair, but I get annoyed when a cat goes out, eats grass, comes back in, seeks out the one carpet in the house and pukes on it. *groan* But generally my cats aren’t making a mess, breaking things, back talking all the time, bringing home all their bratty friends, or telling me “I hate you!” I also don’t have to worry about anyone kidnapping my cats, or my cats running away, or getting knocked up or being picked up by the police. So my guess would be that for every ounce of happiness a kid brings you, there are two ounces of shitwork, bad attitude or worry/paranoia you have to deal with. I can’t possibly imagine that the good outweighs the bad where kids are concerned. Not even with the best behaved kids.
This post was so thought-provoking…
I too am puzzled at this misconception that children bring happiness. Out of everyone I know with kids, only a small percentage are “happy”. The rest are just going through the motions. I wouldn’t switch places with them in a hundred years. For them, childbearing was a very over-hyped, disenchanting experience. They love their kids but so many of them are envious of my life as a free woman. I can see it in my interaction with my female friends.
Children are such takers…that’s their only purpose. It’s nt their “fault”, that’s just how it is. They aren’t here to give one’s life “meaning”. They essentially are here to TAKE and be needy for the first two decades of their lives. Whether it makes their parent unhappy or inconvenienced isn’t their care or concern. They didn’t ask to be born and it is you who owes them, NOT vice versa.
People don’t seem to get that.
Here we are faced with another group of breeders who are raising their kids to believe that others make us happy or sad. Well, Tanya hit the nail on the head. Happiness is a choice we make between our ears. How else can we explain the childfree Mother Teresa, who enjoyed her work from the first minute to the last?
My husband and I are happy with the childfree choice we made. The fact that a few deluded others still cannot accept our choice points to whose gray matter is not functioning.
Obviously, if one is brainwashed from childhood onward by their parents, church and society into believing that they will only be happy if they have children then, their ability to think clearly and make decisions based on what they truly feel is right for them has been compromised. And conversing with the brainwashed and/or the hormone addicted is not going to bring about a understanding breakthrough.
Like Phoena I have been visiting women’s online forums. What i read is chapter and verse “my children are a burden on poor little me,” followed by an immediate refrain of “but I couldn’t live without them,” which is without doubt prompted by feelings of guilt — guilt stemming from being at odds with their conditioning.
If we are really going to deal with the inequities in this world when it comes to the distribution of food, healthcare, education and wealth then the human race has to stop breeding like rabbits. And I see the childfree couples of today as leaders of the compassionate vanguard for change.
Thanks for such thought provoking comments… I too am puzzled at how quickly women buy into the “children will make me happy” thing. While of course children can bring happiness expecting them to make their parents happy immediately puts that expectation on them to live up to it. And I too have met parents who seem less than enthralled with their children, yet just as quickly assure me that they “can’t imagine life without them”, and that “they are always worth it…” And if those children don ‘t match up to the ideal… I guess the parents aren’t as happy.
Childfree Chick - parents don’t get it. Having kids seems to be all about how the kids make them happy.
Phoena - might explain why some women can never be happy - no matter how many kids they have.
Anne-Marie - yes, I believe singletons face enourmous pressure to find a mate. People tell women to hurry up or they’ll be alone (and unable to snare an appropriate father for the future kids) and miss out on having kids. And men are told they’d better settle down, get married and - have kids.Most buy into the “package”. When the package unravels because of often not choosing what’s right for them, they wonder why. And of course, having a baby fixes it. Those that resist this pressure to mate, are, like those who don’t feel the need to reproduce are called odd.
Liz - this is the thing that stood out the most for me. The superiority. The underlying patronizing attitude that they know what life is all about and really only children can show us what life is about and make us whole human beings.
Tanya - couldn’t agree more!
Bright Feather - “Obviously, if one is brainwashed from childhood onward by their parents, church and society into believing that they will only be happy if they have children then, their ability to think clearly and make decisions based on what they truly feel is right for them has been compromised.”
Yes. But this never stops them passing on the brainwashing to others who didn’t buy it;)
The ‘children will make me happy’ is just an urban myth but it is such a huge myth people bought into it and rather than say oops it was just a myth after all, they brainwash themselves into believing it’s true.
I can only compare parenthood to going into a shop and trying on a pair of jeans in your size but they are way too tight instead of thinking well I have eaten my body weight in chocolate hence the reason these are too tight, you blame the shop, the cut of the jeans etc. Why, because the human brain can not cope with knowing you have made a mistake, it’s the same with parenthood.
However I would buy a bigger size in the jeans and a bigger bar of chocolate because I’m childfree and think outside the box!!!!
to all of the childfree people here: i understand and respect your ideas opinions and right to stay childfree. however i must add that nature has a purpose. don’t you think that if we were supposed to be childfree that we would not have the ability to reproduce?
listen, i could care less who wants to have kids or not, but i do have to say that you all sound as if YOU are brainwashed through poor experiences as a child and/or fear of the unknown. don’t knock those who are truly happy, as am i with three children and wanting another. i am not stupid, i know children and marriage cannot buy you happiness. but if you have your shit together and enjoy your life immensly (let’s face it, children or not nothing is ever 100 perecent rosy) you ARE happy.
for some, childrearing is their life’s work. those people should be damn proud of that!
as for brats and discipline well, i have one thing to say. if you allow things to occur than you are asking for trouble. part of parenting is conditioning your children into respectful well mannered people. and if this requires a smack from time to time or harsh scolding, then so be it.
keep on enjoying your childfree life…and at the very least it is comforting to know that SOME people in the world are not reproducing when they shouldn’t. but do keep in mind that nothing, even sterilization is 100 percent effective against pregnancy. and one day you may find yourself aboard the CHILD train…if and when that day does come, i GUARANTEE you will enjoy your life and love your child immensley.
with respect,
Keri
yes nature has a purpose and nature has created us to not want children, are we somehow apart from nature, some people CANT have children, thats natures choice, but we are thinking beings, isnt thought part of nature, we have decided.. through the thoughts NATURE gave us. not to have children.
we are intelligent reasoning animals, nature tells us to take a crap , we dont sit in the street and do it, we use toilets, we learned to make them and use them, intelligence means you have a CHOICE, and nature created intelligence.
keri you are a fool, i had a good childhood, but i dont want a child, not everyone was abused when a child, i live with a loving family.
“even sterilization is 100 percent effective against pregnancy. and one day you may find yourself aboard the CHILD train…if and when that day does come, i GUARANTEE you will enjoy your life and love your child immensley.” its called an abortion keri, that solves that problem. doesnt it? or dont you beleive in a womans choice to have or not have a child. that a woman is only a uterus, and having a child is the only thing a woman can do.
Just read through these comments and smiled. I agree with everyone here.
Firstly, I accept that some people do enjoy being mothers and raising kids. My own mother was one of these people and having a family gave her imense joy and satisfaction. She loved all the home making and cooking and childcare and hated having to go off to work part time when we grew older. Regardless of whether or not society’s ‘brainwashing’ had a part to play in this, she really did love having children and good for her.
I on the other hand have absolutely no desire to have my own family. Even as a child I refused to ‘play mother’ with the other girls and always went for the ‘boys toys’. I remember being lectured to on so many occasions when I mentioned that I had no plans to procreate and for years I was convinced that I was broken and maybe something was wrong with me (although these days I just nod, smile and walk away).
I had a very happy childhood and my brother and sister both want armies of kids. I also have a very close family and grew up surrounded by young cousins and babysat regularly. I am not one of those people that cannot stand children or have had no/a bad experience with them and I am happy to spend time with children and help out friends and family members when they need it. I am also happy to give my eggs to my sister (she has Polysistic Ovary Sydrome) to enable her to have a family. I simply do not and have never wanted my own children. I have no maternal instinct and do not feel children would enrich my life in any way, shape or form. I could not care less if my genes are passed on to a future generation or not and I see my role in ‘the natural circle of life’ as a supportive one.
I think it would be very very selfish of me to have children as I would not have the inclination to care for them in the way they deserved. This would do far more damage in the greater scheme of things than me simply not having a family.
I think the major problem in our society is that everyone feels the need to get involved in everyone else’s lives and promote conformity to the last detail. Even more so if they are not secure with their own choices. This mentality of ‘if you do not agree with me, you are simply wrong’ is closed minded and very unhealthy to society as a whole. It shows how insecure and vunerable an individual feels. I would never lecture someone on how great it is being childless and how they have ruined their lives by having kids. I may feel that this would apply to me if I were in their situation, but I am not them and I have no right to try and second guess how they feel or make them justify their choices. It is up to them and no one else. The same goes for all those people who have told me time and time again that I am not fulfilled and cannot be truly happy as a woman without children. They have no right to tell me that and have no idea how happy or fulfilled I may be. People are different and that isn’t a bad thing. We simply need to focus on making our own lives as happy/healthy as possible and leave others alone.
keri - “don’t you think that if we were supposed to be childfree that we would not have the ability to reproduce?”
So what you are saying then is that no-one is supposed to be childfree? That we are all supposed to be parents - whether one wants to or not, whether one can care for them or not, or whether one is a fit to be a parent? I think that is more an example of brainwashing than anything we have said. Mercurior has made the point about nature so I am not going to address the weakness of your argument there.
I also don’t see how you can make such sweeping and ill-informed statements about childfree people here being brainwashed because we’ve “had a hard childhood” or “fear the unknown”. Sorry, but you are talking utter nonsense and when I read things like that I wonder what it is about childed people that they cannot seem to stop themselves from making ignorant statements about childfree people. For the record I had a great childhood, and I have no fear of the unknown in that respect. I simply don’t want to have kids. Far from respecting another’s choice to not have children, I think you may believe you do, but you don’t, at least that’s not what I get from most of what you’ve said.
If you actually read the post, it is about questioning the myth that says children will make you happy, that women cannot be happy without them and that childdren always bring happiness. It is not about knocking people who are happy with kids; (again, read the post) it is about highlighting some of their patronizing views towards those who choose not to have them and who don’t buy the spiel that you need kids to be fully happy.
And as for your last statement - there is no if and no when. I will not be reproducing. Neither will I be aboard that child train you mention. And, as in most of life there are no guarantees. So I wonder how are you able to guarantee that anyone is going to love their life or their child immensely? Is it because you have three kids and want another? Does that give you ability to know how everyone else will feel? Or the right to tell us? I would say it does not.
Charlotte - thank you for sharing this. I especially liked your point about the circle of life. Childfree people are often made to feel that they are outside this “circle of life” because they have chosen not to have children. Your point that you see your role as supportive within this circle is a good one. We all have a role within the circle of life, whether childfree or childed and that’s how it should be.
NO i do not believe in abortion. i do not believe in a woman’s choice…the choice is made when she has sex. i feel if you should take responsibilty for your actions and that there is alot to be said for “things happen for a reason”.
i do apologize for the apparent misunderstanding here. it seems as though some people cannot let go of their defensiveness in order to read that numerous times i was not knocking anyone. i was simply trying to make sense of some things in my own mind. by all means, i am intelligent enough to understand that not everyone who wishes not to reproduce led miserable childhoods. although from the underlying sarcasm of some of these posts i would have to conclude that this is a clear cut lie.
women are not just uterus’…and this sounds a bit like feminism gone awry. i believe women are many things, and, most importantly can do whatever they set their minds to. i ALSO believe that having a family does not automatically doom you from a life of purpose, or demean your personal worth. there is no more difficult job to take on, and yes there are times where it sucks….just like everything else in this world.
again, i do respect those who know they are far too selfish to commit to the demands of raising children.
and no, i do not believe i am a fool….but if a fool was a person who has dedicated her life to molding and loving and educating another human being, by giving life to a precious child and by actually having the BALLS to admit that yes, I am completely satisfied…then so be it. I AM YOUR FOOL.
when i am old and gray, i will never regret not having children.
i have also never heard of needing an egg donor because of PCOS. i have many family members with this syndrome and you do not need an egg donor in order to conceive.
so keri are you saying, you never had sex for any other reason that to “become” pregnant, thats all you do, that women all women have to be pregnant., to be good humans. if you dont beleive in abortion, do you beleive in child murder, and child abuse.
a lot of people if they use protections it can fail, what if they cant cope with a child, they have anger issues, or some genetic diseases or physical diseases, that will be passed on. what if a woman was raped, or incest, is an abortion still wrong.
so the childfree shouldnt have sex, (does that mean shouldnt use protection), because we dont want children.. and children are a natural consequence of sex. is that what you are saying.
i have had a happy life, but its people like you keri, that want women to be only see as barefoot and pregnant. and sarcasm, is sarcasm, not some deeper underlying cause. (i bet you did a course in womens studies and or psychology)
feminism gone awry, sonce when does freedom of choice freedom of thought and freedom of action equate to feminism gone awry. so once again we are selfish, because we have decided that children in our lives would live in bad situations, or in my case disinterest.
well i am glad you admit your a fool, if i deal with the elderly are they somehow less important than babies. if i deal with animals are they less important than babies.
you forget there are organisation like big brother/big sister who do the same thing, are they less important because its not your child. and how will you know what will happen when your old and grey. your wonderful kids could hate you, they could be childfree, or they could just stuff you in a home and let you rot.
they could abuse you steal from you, which does happen. will you regret it then
Hey Keri, when you’re old and grey will you regret having children if they stick you in a home and spend the bare minimum time with you? Don’t delude yourself into thinking it’d never happen to you. I used to work in a retirement home and practically all the residents who never had visitors had children.
As for your comment about PCOS, just cos you have family members with it doesn’t qualify you to make sweeping statements about whether egg donation is needed or not.
Are you saying that a woman shouldn’t have sex unless she wants to conceive? Umm. . . this is the 21st century, right? In case you don’t understand, birth control is a joint responsibility and even the best can fail.
It’s barbaric to force a woman to have a child she doesn’t want. The act of giving birth doesn’t mean she will automatically transform into a devoted mother. The amount of children in foster care at any given time should tell you otherwise.
How in hell is saying that women aren’t just uterii feminism gone awry? The recognition that women aren’t just walking wombs is one of feminism’s greatest achievments.
Don’t approve of abortion? Then don’t have one. Simple. And things don’t always happen for a reason. Far from it.
When I’m old and grey, I sure as hell won’t regret not having children, especially if it meant I’d end up as sanctimonious as you.
Keri - you don’t believe a woman has a choice?Then I take it you don’t think a women should have control over her body either. I am glad that women do - Birth control, however failliable allows us to excercise the choice not to be endlessly producing kids. More important, we have CONTROL over our fertility.
“again, i do respect those who know they are far too selfish to commit to the demands of raising children.”
No, you don’t.
And, by the way, things happen for a reason is getting to be “cop out” speak for “I don’t want to take responsibility for making my own choices…” And I guess if a woman was raped and became pregnant from that vile act you’d say that happened for a reason too.
“i am intelligent enough to understand that not everyone who wishes not to reproduce led miserable childhoods. although from the underlying sarcasm of some of these posts i would have to conclude that this is a clear cut lie.”
A clear cut lie? Listen to yourself!
I have one kid. Parenting is a hard job. You shouldn’t go into it thinking they will make you happy. You have to go into it, realizing your job is to make them happy. And smart. And well adjusted. But not lazy, or irresponsible, or entitled. Its a big job.
Some people spit them out without thinking twice. We thought long and hard and decided we could handle one. We’re doing a good job, I think, but we will be happy when he’s grown, and we have nobody but ourselves to wake up and please everyday. Not trying to hurry the day - but just saying that it will be nice, when it does get here, to have the luxury of thinking of ourselves first.
I don’t blame people for choosing not to have kids at all. You don’t miss what you never had, and sometimes choosing to have children puts you on the most painful path through life of all. Basically - its a risk. A huge risk. Some people think that if you do the job right, you’ll be fine - but that aint necessarily so. A lot of things are out of your control.
I identify more with child free people than I do with people who keep having kids, or who are totally wrapped up and obsessed with the kids, and basically have no other life at all.
“again, i do respect those who know they are far too selfish to commit to the demands of raising children.”
I hope you are not implying we are all “selfish.” God, I HATE that word! Don’t you think that some parents want to and do have children for selfish reasons because THEY WANT THEM?
I for one am NOT hurting ANYONE by being childfree. My spouse is fine with my decision, my parents AND his already HAVE grandchildren a boy AND a girl each because of our younger brothers and our grandparents have great grandchildren so we EXACTLY are we depriving?
Can you REALLY GUARANTEE what my kids are like? What if they rebel and become the next Osama Bin Laden?
Can you
REALLY GUARANTEE that I will ENJOY being a mother?
If you are wrong, how much would you pay me, especially considering how expensive children can be, how does £100 000 sound?
If you want children and have them and things go well maybe they can increase your happiness. If you DON’T want them and have them I reckon a lot of the time they take some of your happiness away.
We are all as humans so diverse and different who says that there can’t be variations in this area too?