Childfree - It’s Still Not Too Late To Change Your Mind…
2 07 2007Just in case you DO want to have the kids.
My friend Kath is about to have surgery. It’s a particular kind of surgery that’s going to make life a lot less bothersome for her. Kath is childfree and has known she did not want kids from a very young age. I thought you’d all be interested in reading about Kath’s experience when she went for her pre-admit (for my UK readers, this is the pre-op) appointment. It seems that, even when they know the kind of operation a woman is having, and even when their position should really preclude them from doing so , childed people can’t seem to help themselves from waxing lyrical about how wonderful being a mother/parent is. And this is what we childfree people have to put up with. The assumption that a) we want to know, b) that we’re even remotely interested, and c) that we’ll made a faulty decision in the first place.
As Kath said….
“I was assigned an RN that seemed very competent as well as very nice. From the get go, she knew what type of surgery I was having. We discussed it while I had my EKG (what?? you never wanted babies??? really??) and while doing the pre-admit paperwork (well even tho I can’t have kids my husband and I adopted and it was the best thing we ever did) sent me off to get some bloodwork and when I returned she continued to wax eloquent (oh, being a mom is the highlight of my life).
Yeah. OK. I get it!”
“…The final straw happened as she went over my pre and post operative care. Then she leaned into me as if to whisper and said ‘ you know, it’s still not too late to change your mind in case you decide you DO want to have kids’.”
“…I was on the verge of tears. Had a migraine. Just wanted to get the hell out of there without pissing her off.”
What happened? Well, I could post it here. But I think you’ll get more of a kick out of it if you go and read it on Kath’s blog.
My view? As I said in my comment on her blog, it’s about time we childfree people told nosy, intrusive childed people that we don’t need them telling us we don’t know our own minds. We do. Or that it’s “ still not too late for us to change our minds.” Please. What makes you think we want to change our minds and have kids? What makes you think, because YOU wax lyrical about how children are the best thing that ever happened to you, that we will be changing a life-long decision? What gives you the right to imply, without knowing anything about us, that we’ve made the wrong decision? Or that you know what’s best for our well-being?
Like I said, I wish I could have seen the face of that RN. I’m glad Kath told her, in no uncertain terms where to get off.
Point is, why did she have to be subjected to this in the first place?
Childfree people get these intrusive, ignorant questions from childed people all the time. We’re supposed to be missing out – but it’s “not too late” to reverse the decision of a life time and get on board the baby train. Why does no-one ever question the validity of the childed’s decision to have several kids or even one kid?
Where do we get a break from these stupid, inconsiderate people?
Thanks Kath, for sending me your link. Maybe a few more people will know what we have to put up with and what we feel about it. Perhaps it will cause them to simply shut up should they feel like informing a childfree person that “there’s still time to change their mind, ” dismissing that person’s decision.
Once again, good on you and I wish you a speedy recovery. I will of course be sending you the link to this article.
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree, Childfree
Thanks Britgirl! I am honored you have chosen to link to me
And thanks kindly for your well-wishes…it means a great deal!
Kath
Sadly, Kath’s experience is far from uncommon.
One thing I have noticed is that the people who seem to be the unhappiest parents seem to be the ones who try the hardest to persuade the childfree to change their minds.
Proof that misery doesn’t just love company, it goes out of its way to recruit it.
This is so damn true! I’m 23 and childfree. I’ve known all my life although I spent four years making my decision to never breed. I tell this to people but still they try to convert me, tell me I’m “missing out” and that I’m going to have a really rotten life of regret.
I would like to be sterilised when I can afford the operation and dread something like Kath’s experience. I too feel like I’m being told my decision is not valid but the most annoying thing I get told is that I’m “not mature.” Excuse me but I put four years of hard thought to make sure and I bet that’s a lot more thought than some (though definitely not all) parents put into having a child!
There are many things that I enjoy that I know other people don’t but I don’t go constantly pushing them onto people. As far as I’m concerned, kids are just another interest and one I don’t share so why do they insist on boring me? I find a fun strategy is to start giving childed people reasons as to why they should do one of my geekier pastimes. =P
I thought of you last night at the movies. We went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, and some rocket scientist parents brought their children, including a 4 or 5 year-old. The little girl spent most of the movie talking, being scared, and being told by her mum to “sshh”. I turned around several times to “sshh” myself, gave so many evil eyes back, and luckily, the girl fell asleep since it was a late movie. I think she is going to have major nightmares from seeing this film, which had some pretty graphic, violent images that even made me squeamish. That said, I complained to Guest Services (actually to a worker since the desk was already closed by then) and we all got a complimentary free pass for another movie.
It does beg the question as to why there is no minimum age for movies? PG means that any adult can drag any child to any movie without having to think of the repercussions later. This was not a movie for anyone under 6 (and I would argue, under 8 or 9) but there she was. I guess there is no law for stupidity, but our movie was ruined by these stupid parents.
On a note related to your post, my ex-husband was counselled over and over again not to get a vasectomy, which he wanted when he was 28. He didn’t want children, and it took a lot of pressuring to get the doctor to consent. They basically told him he needed to come back when he was older and more “sure”. So it’s not just women, though he did manage to get what he wanted after much insisting.
the movie thing, we spoke about that in another post here..
now there are no ushers per screen, its get your ticket, and go on in.. theres no checking of ages once your in the cinema, you could in theory go and watch all the films, one after the other, no one says you must see only one film. no one checks..
i have heard stories about them asking what if your partner wants kids, when they have gone for a tubal or whatever.. or even a vasectomy, thats why i am going with her and if they say anything she will say oh .. hes just out side why dont you ask him.. and i will tell them.
I’m 22 and never want children. It’s not just the fact that I find children annoying; I just don’t want them. Fact. I thought I was odd, I really did, because every time I was asked about children and explained, people would shoot me this ’she’s off her rocker!’ look. I’m married, which makes people even more judgmental, so I’ve found.
They either assume there’s ’something wrong’ or try to convince me how children are the greatest gift of all. Frankly, I don’t care. I find many children cute, but they’re just not for me, even though people just shrug and say, ‘Oh, you’re too young yet to realise how fabulous being a mother is!’
Until I found some of the ‘childfree’ sites online and read similar thoughts and experiences from other women, many of whom are around my age, I was kind of frustrated. It’s nice to read about other ladies who are childfree.
i never knew there was such a thing as childfree, i thought i was a freak, i am 34 and no way in hell do i want kids.. and neither does my fiancee
Kath - you are very welcome ! :)).
It gave me an opportunity to share this with others - that’s the great thing about blogging.
Anne - Marie - yes I’m pretty sure men get the pressure to reconsider as well. Women though seem to be the primary targets. I think we need all need to be more pithy in our responses to these people who presume so much.
Mercurior - there is a stipulation in some US states that if you are married your husband or wife has to give consent or you at least need to show you’ve consulted them. It makes sense that if one wants permanent birth control they should have no problem providing the proof that they’ve had the discussion. One would hope both partners are in agreement.
Liz, Dogess, yes, sadly people will still be trying to convert you over to having kids, simply because they have them. But they can only try. The important thing is we know and feel we can respond that we don’t appreciate their intrusion into our lives. That’s the only way they will “get it.” As Liz says, it’s often as if they can’t bear thinking that someone hasn’t gone through all the childrearing stuff they have.
Newsbitch - Welcome! You’ll find plenty of like minded childfree men and women here. And we’re not backward about sharing our point of view by any means.
Excellent link, BritGirl. Thanks for that.
We do need to tell the non-CF people where to get off more, I think. Maybe in a nice way first off, but the more pushy after that if they just don’t get it.
Thanks for the link, Britgirl. It really is unfortunate that childed people still feel they can pass judgment on our lives.
“Proof that misery doesn’t just love company, it goes out of its way to recruit it.”
I just have to say, Liz, this line is hysterical! I want that on a button!
Love it. Tell them all where, when, how and with how big a splintered stick.
Once upon a time I would have to debate the child/childfree issue - an earlier life - and for some reason the “when it’s your own” or “when you finally have one” argument for going ahead and adding to the teeming human biomass gutting our planet ALWAYS irritated me the most. OF COURSE you’ll feel different.
1 - you’re a caring, responsible human being (hah!) - you’ve just brought new life into the world, you damned well better start to think differently - oddly enough most parents don’t - they’re still just as self-absorbed, but ever-so willing to talk the rest of us into jumping off that cliff. But there are many things I COULD do that I don’t want to - parasailing in Afghanistan, becoming a Scientologist, do-it-myself prostate surgery - yeah, I’d deal with it WHEN - but that doesn’t and didn’t make it a GOOD IDEA.
2 - they’re called CHEMICALS - hormones, nasty, manipulative little bastards too. Ever been in an office where a woman on maternity leave brings in the squalling, wrinkled grub she just foisted on the universe a month earlier? Ever seen a dozen smart, tough, competent female co-workers instantly transformed into drooling, cooing, soppy estrogen piles? Chemicals; too fucking right you’ll think differently once the sprog’s popped; your own brain will betray you. And if you even once - ONCE - entertain the thought (after months of sleepless, intercourse-less, money-less nights) that having the baby wasn’t all you thought it would be, you’ll be horrified at the monster in your own consciousness. Mostly likely suppressing and overcompensating by either binge eating or desperately/angrily trying to sell the baby-as-panacea concept to every unsuspecting, happy childfree/childless woman you know.
Here’s to personal choice, folks. and PERSONally, I’m sleeping in until 10:30 Saturday morning. Which, by the way is the single best freakin’ way of shutting up the proselytizing parents of the world; “kids, umm, yeah … by the way, when was the last time you slept in?” Heh heh heh.
HTH… LOL! How true. How true…