Wife Wants Kids I Don’t - Doomed Marriage
11 07 2007He isn’t childfree but…
I found this interesting thread in a Google search. I am posting the original message in it’s entirety with the link back to Men’s Issues, because I think it’s well worth a good read – and I’d like as many people to read it as possible. For that reason this article is rather long – so be warned. Although I’ve posted Bazahuma’s very well written forum post here, I encourage you to go over to Men’s Issues and read the responses. The discussion there is very interesting…
Bazahuma says
“I’m 47 and married to my second wife who is 38. We’ve been together for 9 years and married for almost 5. I have a daughter who is 13 from the first marriage. I love my daughter in absolute terms. She spends half of her time with us, has known my wife since she was 3 and they adore each other. All together we, as a family, have a great relationship.
Here’s the issue and sadly I imagine it’s been heard many times. Before my current wife and I even started getting serious I told her that I absolutely did not want to have any more children; which she stated was not a problem for her. She had a career she was working on launching and didn’t think pregnancy and babies would ever fit into her schedule. Prior to her moving in with me, almost two years into our relationship we had another sit-down discussion about children where I expressed absolutely no desire to have any more children and that if she thought for a moment that she wanted kids then I wasn’t the right guy for her and to be fair to herself, to me, and my daughter she should find someone who shares the same desires.
She told me at the time that because we had my daughter with us half-time, who looked up to her as a mother in many ways, she was quite content. When we got engaged to be married 6 years ago once again we had a serious discussion about all sorts of issues including children. Again I gave her as easy an out as possible by telling her very specifically that if she wanted children I would never want to deny her that special experience and would encourage her whole heartedly to find a man who wants children. She confirmed a shared view that we weren’t going to have any so to the alter we went.
Fast forward to the present: Very happily married for almost 5 years. Life is good. My (our) daughter has a great head on her shoulders and is a pleasure to be with and I’m already thinking about the day I won’t be paying child support to the ex who doesn’t need it (but insists I pay). Also I’m day dreaming about the other opportunities that will avail themselves as the nest empties out, maybe as soon as 5 or 6 years from now. Like downsizing the house a bit, changing jobs to something that may pay less but is more enjoyable and much less stressful, etc. etc. Then one day recently my wife dropped a bomb on me. She tells me she really does want to have a kid.
I can hardly believe my ears. I reminded her about our several very frank discussions about our future and the fact that we agreed there would be no more children. She had the gall to tell me that she thought I would change my mind. I have no intention of changing my mind for a lot of reasons. All I can see now is that our marriage is doomed. If I capitulated (which I won’t) and had a kid with her I would resent her for the rest of my life. I know that. If I don’t have a kid with her, knowing now she wants one, she will resent me for the rest of her days. Either way, someone loses and our relationship will develop a cancer that I’m sure will eventually kill it. We are going to try counseling but personally I see no way to compromise on this issue.
I’m really sick from this. If this goes the way I think it will my daughter is going to suffer terribly from her dishonesty, losing a mother figure she has known all of her life; I’m going to lose a great relationship with a wonderful woman; and she may or may not get what she wants out of life if she can’t find someone to have a baby with pretty soon (She is 38). Everybody’s F’d!
Here on Like It Is we’ve discussed through the issue of one partner (namely the man) not wanting kids when the other (namely the woman) wants them. At least one of those conversations is still going – complete with bree parents and wanna-be parents gushing about the joys of motherhood/parenthood, generously offering their opinion on what BAAD parents we’d make because WE childfree folk can’t understand why they feel that what they want should override a man’s unwillingness to parent. That they spout on a childfree blog is a bit of a mystery, because they’d get so much more sympathy on the muffia blogs, but hey, they’re on a mission to try make us see the error of our ways. Sigh. Such a waste of time, really.
The key thing is in many (but by no means all) cases the mommies who want more kids and the mommies in waiting who want to start having kids don’t understand why their need for a child cannot immediately override anyone else’s (namely their husband or partner) desire to stay either childfree or content with the children that they’ve already created. The issue of discussion before marriage has come up. In this case, there was full and frank discussion disclosure. Alas. She changed the rules. But what do you know?
She thought he would change his mind!! Does this mean that she never really believed him in the first place when he said he didn’t want any more kids? Or that she did and she dismissed his feelings?
When it comes to being childfree, we know that the men aren’t totally spared the crap that women get. We know they get pressured to reproduce. It’s just that it seems that the spotlight is generally fully on women. We’re an easier target. Then again, I feel that when it comes to being a parent, the only voice that seems to carry any weight is that of the woman. Men are supposed to just go along, fall into step because their wife wants a child. Not doing so can mean a living hell. Or the withdrawal of everything that made life fun. Men are supposed to have children to make them “grow up,” “be a man,” be “responsible..” Or so we’re told.
At any rate, I like to hear the men’s voices, whether this is on being childfree or their struggle against the unforgiving “biological clock.” in the face of a reluctance to have kids. Whether this is to remain childfree or to increase the brood.
In Bazahuma’s case it sadly looks as if the marriage isn’t going to survive this.
Since it seemed such a happy one, this is a shame, but becoming a parent when you don’t want to isn’t the way to go. It isn’t fair to the child. And it isn’t fair to the man.
I wonder how many marriage breakdowns are the result of one partner not wanting kids?
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I feel genuinely very sorry for this guy, we had friends in a similar situation. He had family and did not want anymore and his new wife knew this but thought he would be ok when she announced she was pregnant, that was 2 years ago and they are heading for the divorce.
This is a very interesting read though but it shows how selfish some women.
I feel sorry for this guy also, I can’t see how you could compromise over something as momentous as this.
Frankly, if his wife does leave him, I think she’d be foolish. He mentioned that she’s 38 so time isn’t on her side (in terms of reproducing, anyway). What if she either fails to meet another man or fails to get pregnant? She’ll have thrown a perfectly good marriage away and all for what?
As for thinking she’ll change his mind, how incredibly arrogant. Did it never occur to her that her husband actually meant what he said?
Women like this (ie those who claim they don’t want kids but are convinced the guy will change his mind) make it even harder for the genuinely CF. Is it any wonder we get the “you’ll change your mind” bingoes so often?
I’m a regular reader but would like to be anon for this comment.
I know how this guy feels. I have very recently separated from my husband. The child issue was not the reason that we separated but in the discussions about the relationship the issue of him possibly wanting children came up.
Like the man in the post, at each and every stage of our relationship I said that I would never be having kids. Even after he proposed and when we were approaching the marriage I gave him a “get out of marriage free” card :o)
I accept that people can change and know that it was done with no malice although it did hurt a lot at the time. At least it was not the main reason in my case. I really feel for Bazahuma, especially as there is already a child in their lives with feelings and needs.
Time for a divorce.
You cannot go into a marriage or romantic relationship of any kind believing you can change the terms of it once you’re in it.
I dated an older guy four years ago who KNEW I did NOT want children and wasn’t ready for marriage (hell I was only 23). Several months into the relationship, he flipped the script on me and said he wanted to be married and starting a family within a year.
I dumped his sorry ass immediately.
I have a friend who has a sister who blew her marriage right out her ass by doing this “I wanna kid” flip-flop. Not only did she end up with no husband and no kid but now they are divorcing and she will be losing the house and yard she put so much into.
The women in these scenarios all have the same characteristics. They think that they demand that their partner’s change their minds and they will capitulate. And they seem to believe “if you really loved me you would reward me with a baby”. IMO those things point to a very unhealthy mindset that make them the worst candidates of all for motherhood.
It’s wrong to ever think that you can change someone’s mind about anything once you get into a marriage (or before for that matter.) Even if you get the other to “give in”, there will still be some resentment issues, and in this case it seems like she’ll resent him if she doesn’t get what she wants. Sounds like a no win situation unfortunately. In my opinion, the guy is definitely not the one at fault. He laid out the conditions of the relationship (numerous times) and she agreed to them. It wasn’t like it was a topic that was never brought up. She can’t change the rules once the game has started. That’s just not how it works. What part of “I DON’T WANT ANY KIDS” do people find so hard to understand?
I do think it’s possible to go into a marriage sincerely believing that you both want the same things, and then change your mind. This can happen to one or both spouses, and the results can be devastating unless the partners work it out. I would suspect marriages frequently break up because of this, whether it has yo do with children, careers, or other things such as where to live (eg: renting versus making the decision to own property).
This is very sad indeed, and I hope the woman in question will decide to stay married to this man. My first marriage was to someone who absolutely did not want children because he suffered from bipolar disorder and did not want to risk passing this along to any children. Even though I wasn’t sure about how I felt, I knew my relationship with him was more important than anything else and it honestly never affected our marriage, which broke up for completely unrelated reasons. I think it’s possible to get beyond the resentment of a forced compromise, so I am not 100% convinced the marriage is doomed. I hope I’m right for this man, who sounds like he is decent.
I too feel for this guy who really did make the effort to make himself clear on this issue. I think it’s possible that his wife agreed at the time and has now changed her mind. I hope she thinks more about it and changes her mind back. As someone so aptly put it in another comment somewhere on this blog, it’s like giving up a relationship that you know in reality for something imagined, for a fantasy.
For the sake of their marriage, I hope this wife considers going for counselling and really thinks about her choice, because she is totally choosing here. It doesn’t make her wrong for changing her mind but she does need to be clear that if she decides to leave this marriage, the fantasy she’s imagining may never come to pass. At 38, she’s fast running out of time to have a kid, even if the husband was to agree. If they split, she then has to try to find another partner or have one on her own.
There’s no bad guy here. I hope they manage to work it out.
I knew you’d all have very interesting views on this. Interesting to see that some of us see that perhaps there is hope and others aren’t so optimistic for these two. And unsurprisingly, no-one yet has said… he’s a selfish git who should just have the baby
like non-childfree people probably would have.
I wouldn’t say she is “wrong” for changing her mind. But sometimes (not always by any means) I think that “changing your mind,” is being used almost as a way to try and side step the consequences and hurt people on the way. Like she can’t help it. Well, she can help it. She simply changed her mind about what was important to her. What happened to vows? What happened to commitment? What happened to responsibility?
And… she expects him to have a child (no, children) WHEN HE IS 47 YEARS OLD !! He would be in his fifties with a young child. And she’d be getting ready to have number two…
It’s like, sorry you can’t give me what I want, I know we’re married but I must have a child…. it’s more important than you and all we have and everything we’ve built.
I have even less sympathy for the woman because right from the start she believed her husband would change his mind. For that she is (and was) wrong and arrogant. And she doesn’t seem to care that her husband has as much right to stand by his convictions as she does to turn away from hers.
In the end I think it’s as my husband says: this isn’t really a question of logical thought on her part, the desire for a baby seems to be like a tsunami that rises up, seemingly out of nowhere and destroys everything in it’s path. The uterus has clearly taken over thinking. And that’s why I personally don’t think these kind of situations can be worked out.
<p>If she leaves her husband who loves her she might find someone to have a baby with… that doesn’t take any real thought, sex and no bc will do that. Assuming the new man is cool with being wanted just produce off-spring. But find love and the kind of stable relationship she has now?
If I was a betting woman I’d bet she would lose.
to Anon - Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your relationship.
It’s a horrible situation and you all seem to have echoed my own thoughts.
I’m lucky enough to be engaged to a lovely woman who’s as against the idea of us having children as I am. We’ve been together for 10 years now and we’ve had The Conversation several times. Occasionally I’ve asked her if she would ever contemplate changing her mind somewhere down the line. She has always reassured me that she wouldn’t, because if either of us wanted to have kids, that would instantly mean the relationship would be over, simple as that.
Doesn’t sound like something limited to having children, either.
“I’m a smoker, I’ve always been a smoker, I have the lung cancer wisecrack already carved in the tombstone. And I’ve been telling you so all along.”
“Yes, but I thought you’d change.”
And doesn’t seem like women are always the asshole self-appointed hidden alpha of the relationship either. Take the guy married to the stripper/porn actress etc. Heck, take the guy married to some woman with a successfull career he’d much rather see around the stove.
People lie, and people change. I guess they call it life.
Seems to me you have your hands full with your other offspring. But the fundamental thing is you don’t want a child and it doesn’t seem you are in any fit state to bring yet another child into the world. If your wife knows how you feel, knows your background and is still wanting to hold you to having children, seems like she is holding you to ransom. Children are not bargaining chips. They must be WANTED by both parents not just one. Having a kid to stay with your wife is a stupid idea and it sounds like it just might bury you… not a very nice thought. Seems to me that, unless you two can come to terms with your feelings, the divorce courts loom.
Time to see what your relationship is really made of. Here’s a tip. Think of the child. I wouldn’t want to be a child unwanted by its father… or mother. And ask your wife why she didn’t keep her agreement to get a degree…
JSD - Writing and reading about this always makes you think… so I asked my husband if he was going to start wanting babies (I knew the answer, but still thought I’d ask) and he looked at me as if I’d gone nuts. No way, no how. In fact he asked me the same question and I just laughed and said “hell, no.”Life is great just as it is.
if you dont want children, and she does.. then.. tell her tough, mention the past record, how you are being burned out, because of all the things.
i feel she only loves you for your potential fatherhood, usually after such a situation the marriage ends, she has what she wants and she doesnt need you anymore, but she will want money from you..
you cant bargain about bringing a life into the world. you either do. or you dont. and only you can decide you cant compromise and have half a child..
John, there’s really nothing I can add to the advice you’ve been given. You’ve said yourself that the thought of another child turns your stomach. I certainly would not want to bring another child into the world under these circumstances. I can’t help but think that your wife should be a little more understanding - hasn’t she seen for herself the stress parenting can bring? I’m wondering, too,why she didn’t finish her degree.
Have you told her how you really feel? If not, I think you should. there’s nothing more to lose at this stage.
I don’t think you can compromise on this. Let us know what happens and good luck!
john -
I haven’t been through what you have, but my first thought is to suggest you sit down with her and tell her exactly what you are thinking - that’s key. Tell her RIGHT NOW you just can’t see it happening, but if she gives you some time to work through it … After all, the idea wasn’t unpalatable before. No promises, mind - just that you’ll do your best. Hopefully this isn’t a backdoor breed or secede ultimatum.
As for the original article - it happens a lot, trust me. It’s not the “he’ll change” aspect that irritates me - most women fully expect to be able to change - or at least knock the rough edges off - their men; for me it’s the arrogance behind it “but it’s children, I have God, Gaia, Darwin and Society on my side!” - like you don’t even have the right to question her about-face. I’ve known couples where the wife lied about birth control to get stealth pregnant and got indignant when the husband was angered. Evidently children - the blind, spinal need-to-breed justifies anything and everything. *Shakes head*
Well he has the solution hasn’t he. If he told her that the marriage meant no children and she entered into that marriage on his terms, them she has broken the “contract” whe agreed to.
He could always go and get “the snip” and put an end to her wishes once and for all.
in some states, they ask the wife to sign the vasectomy papers, now this is generally optional, but.. it has happened a few times.. its not a globally accepted thing, just as per state and practioner wants..
its not a consent for as such, but its misrepresented as such..
I’m glad I found this group. I am also very glad I found some women who are honorable and independent from what I think is apparently most of the babymakers.
My wife and I are childless -she was the main one that said “I love kids but when the day is over - I want them to be going home with someone else.”
I thought that was perfect as we were fully into our jobs and were very good company to each other and have been for more than 30 years now. She has occasionally really been impressed by a cute little girl -most are - but still had no problems wanting one for us.
Before her I had a wife that 1 month after marriage told me we were having a very large family and she would get the babies however she had to, and since I was legally responsible for them - I might as well have my own.
I stopped sex with her immediately even though I always was using a condom - and a few months later - left her. She chased me all over the place and we went together again 3 times and everytime she started talking about having a big family and that all she wanted in her life was just staying home and raising kids. and she got pregnant three times with different men and I don’t think she even cared who they were.
8 of my male friends either had girlfriends that got pregnant or after they were married, very soon (2 months or so) even though the women had said they were happy just being with their new husbands awhile.
A woman that was a coworker and ran around with my wife and me for awhile had 2 very sweet kids and I would have probably gotten with her but would not want more kids than the two she had - she got pregnant, trying to trap a guy and he dumped her -she waiting out the pregnancy and offered the baby for adoption.
After I finally did the math - her oldest was 9 years old and she was only 25 - so she must have gotten pregnant at 15 years of age.
I came up with the opinion that ALL women are babypoppers and I think most are, but I’m glad to see that there are more than just my wife that isn’t.
I wish that men and women could just live a happy life together and love each other and not always be thinking of changing a good thing. I realize that most women don’t consider that kind of life rewarding - some do.
I know it will be painful but I hope the guy we’re talking about will leave his 38 year old girlfriend - it seems she has been scheming to do what she wants about the babies right from the start.
I would hope that having babies and replacing oneself is not there is in life - women can have fun, play games, be romantic and enjoy business as much as men can if they want to.
We had a young 28ish friend that was ready to become a McDonald’s Manager and suddenly she quit, got pregnant by some guy and dropped out of the labor force. When we saw her later she said having babies was the top thing in her life - that without them she was nothing - we gave her our opinions and she’s kept her distance since then.
I started the Male-Action-Network at http://male-action-network.com to cover these and post many messages from disgruntled men about the issue.
These are some very good messages and I will read them thoroughly.
Thanks much
MajorHart
On the 38 year old woman getting pregnant - any woman of reasonable attractiveness can accomplish that at any bar. And then go on welfare.
My wife works with a bunch who do that and have 15 kids between them - they work part time (I think that is required in order to get public assistance after the child reaches a certain age) - while she works full time to help support them.
We think it is a rotten system.
I have the text of Robert Blake’s exchanges with his wife and he wanted her to get an abortion and she wouldn’t.
Scott Peterson’s wife was pregnant. And a cop name Cutts ? killed his pregnant girlfriend.
I would never condone murder to stop a woman that got pregnant (or was going to) on purpose -but it’s no doubt the reason behind a lot of these murders.
It’s a total betrayal of the other person, and it lasts for more than 18 years - stifling other opportunities and pleasures in life.
I lay out on my site what I’ve personally heard from women and what I’ve been told by others.
As a dating relationship - “our relationship isn’t going anywhere - you’re far too interested in sex.” Yet the hint is there that if we marry - you’ll get all the sex you want. THEN
She tells you she loves you - often and if you finally respond that you love her too, she moves to the next phase. “if you really loved me - you’d want to make a committment to me.”
If you don’t respond to the “I love you” bit she will dump you and move on. If you agree to become engaged she will try to hurry it up and shortly after marriage, she will say “I’m pregnant.” or if you are using contraception - ‘well, the pill must have messed up - or the condom broke.”
Of if not yet pregnant -she will tell you in no uncertain terms “it’s time for us to become a family - you say “we are a family” she will say - not until we have a baby or some babies.
Many of these things I’ve seen happen with my male friends and some with women I have known - although I never fathered any children.
Being a young man with hot loins that’s extremely difficult and I doubt that the young men that read my site agree with me that it’s better to do without the sex if necessary.
Unfortunately, life just isn’t cut and dry enough to say “I’m a baby maker” or “childfree for life!” Sometimes people just grow in a different direction than they thought they would. If a woman “changes her mind” it’s not always some political agenda or some brilliant economic plan to get on welfare… sometimes you just begin to realize that you’re beginning to want something you hadn’t really considered before. Because change is natural. It’s not some great deception used to trap men. It’s part of life. It can go the other way too. Sometimes a woman may assume that she will have children later, after she gets a career off to a start for instance. But maybe the time just never seems right, there’s always something else to have to get accomplished first. Or maybe she just changes her mind.
For anyone in a position where your wife/girlfriend seems to suddenly spring on you the urge to have a baby, try to realize it’s not necessarily that the idea of a baby means more to her than you and your relationship. Sometimes it’s the depth and quality of your relationship that makes her want your baby. She didn’t lie to you; maybe she just never wanted someone else’s baby. Maybe it took you to make her realize that she wanted to see what the product of you and her would be like. Maybe she just wants someone to teach all the wonderful things that you both find important and wonderful. I’m not trying to say that you should fold if you truly don’t want children, if you truly know that you wouldn’t be able to love a baby as you should or if you would continue to resent her…. but I don’t think it’s good for the possibility of saving your relationship one way or the other if you make her out to be a grasping monster without considering her reasoning or feelings.
well that was an interesting comment, it seemed to be at first pro choice, but then as i re read it, its pro child.
let me ask you tat, have you known any really childfree people, people who KNOW, they dont want children.
do you know people who want children to the exclusion of everything else.. i do.. to me having a child will be worse than any prison sentence, i KNOW i dont want kids. i always knew it, but i thought i was a freak for not wanting them.
you fall into the trap of the ME syndrome, I want i want, not what your partner wants, as if your desire to have a child allows you to cheat, to poke holes in the condoms, but thats ok, its “justified” because you want to see the “product of you and her would be like”.
sorry thats no justification in bringing a life into a world, what if its not perfect, in a big change of life situation which is what having a child is, you CANNOT change your mind after, unless you want to dump it in an orphanage, or kill it.. if there is any doubts about having a child, then you shouldnt have one.
Well, Tat, I have to say it doesn’t matter how strongly I feel about my boyfriend, I still don’t want his baby. I really don’t care what a product of us would look like. To me, that’s hardly a compelling reason to have children and smacks of narcissism. We have plenty of depth and quality in our relationship, so much so that neither of us feel the need to bring a kid into it.
I notice you keep using the word “baby”. A lot of people do that and never think past the baby stage.
Like Merc says, some of us just know we don’t want kids.
Sometimes life is cut and dried enough.
Tat…I think merc and Liz have really said it succintly.
But (at risk of repeating them) I will add this. Like Liz my husband and I have
plenty of depth and quality and a lot more in our relationship. We don’t feel the need for a baby to prove we love each other for anything else. That’s simple and nicely cut and dried for us.
It’s a pity that so many women buy into the erroneous notion that to express depth of emotion for your partner you have to have a baby.
I note also the “She wants, she wants, she wants someone, something etc, etc.
That sounds pretty self-centred to me.
Nothing makes her want a baby other than her own desire to have one. And a big point made by Mel… babies don’t remain babies. People would do well to remember that… might make them less inclined to have them.
Get to know some childfree people Tat… you’ll find there are many who have known and still know that they didn’t want children.
Oh, and some women DO use having a baby to trap men. The men its happened to can testify to that one.
I can’t see that there’s anything wrong with “wanting” something. Most of the choices in life come from wanting something. You “wanted” a relationship with your partner, some people “want” a home, some people “want” to travel… The point is people want different things. There’s nothing wrong with someone just because they want a child. There’s nothing wrong with someone because they want the freedom of not having a child. My point was not to convince people who don’t want children to change their minds but simply to see that someone is not wrong for wanting one. And yes, i do know people who have purposely had a baby when their partner doesn’t. I was not defending those people that are that underhanded. I only ask that not all women be viewed as untrustworthy liars (sorry, I don’t cheat on my pill or poke holes in condoms… since my husband is back and forth about having one I get that I may never have child). I also know couples who are in their 50’s, never had children and are very happy that they didn’t. It is just a personal choice and no one is bad for thinking either way. They are only bad if they are too close-minded to see the other side. And also if they pigeon hole all women who want children into welfare-supported-pill-cheating liars. Just because there are ignorant people out there doesn’t mean we all are.
And on a more personal note, when I married at 23 I thought I would never want children. I don’t pretend to know what made me change my mind, if there really is something biological that sometimes kicks in or not, but the fact remains that I slowly began to realize that I was beginning to lean the other direction. However, I’m not someone who sees life as a waste without children.
As for being self-centered, that is usually the reason behind not having children as well. So that you can have all the time to enjoy yourself without burden…. so that you can pick up and do anything you want whenever you want to do it… so that your money is spent on things you want. Guess what, both sides have plenty of self-centered reasons. And both sides have plenty of people living perfectly fulfilling lives. My POINT is that wanting a child does not make a woman a mindless “baby popper”. They have just as many valid reasons for wanting one as you have for not wanting one.
And to mercurior, as nothing in life is perfect, I would hardly expect a screaming, pooping baby to be any different. Like your relationship, like your partner, you love them all the more for their imperfections.
will take your last point first. our relationship is perfect for us, where i am weak she is strong, where she is weak i am strong. its perfect, we mesh 100%, we know what each other is thinking, we finish each others sentences.. we have the time to give to each other, to know each other so well we dont need words. to us having a child would destroy us, would make us less loving towards each other.
theres wanting, and then theres “WANTING”, and quite a lot of women, not counting the childfree, want a child to the exclusion of everything else. this can be seen by the way no fault divorces are mostly actioned by women, who usually has a child. theres been reports, and studies about this and in the majority of studies the woman once she had a child, thats it she is satisfied and doesn want the man around excpet as a wallet.
the whole article on britgirls site, is about one partner wanting a child over the others wishes. now if they cant agree on something like that which will affect them for over 21 years minimum, then what chance does the marriage hold.
but as a childfree male, one of the few, one of the proud. i see this every day, women just grabbing any man for a 1 night stand, sometimes they dont even know his name, i used to work for a government department dealing with this kind of money grabbing whoring. thats all it really is. because these kind of women get the world on a plate. and its poor slobs like us childfree that has to suffer for their benefit.
the selfishness idea is erroneous, most of the childfree give back to society, we do charity work, we give our time our money and our selves. a lot of parents just take take take. government handouts, (mostly in the uk)
wanting a child to the exclusion of someone elses wants, thats a mindless baby popper.
I think that Tat is quite right in that for any number of people, the idea of a child is something that just happens over time. It’s an idea that slowly becomes more or less palatable as time passes. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Some of us know we’re not meant to be parents, some of us know that we are, and a lot are kind of in the middle and go one way or the other as their circumstances dictate.
Who knows the reason she changed her mind? There’s a lot of biological and societal influences that act on women when it comes to procreation.
But the fact remains that it takes two people to make a child, and those people will be legally, emotionally and financially responsible for it for a very long time. And if he doesn’t want to take on that responsibility, then he shouldn’t have to.
As tough as it is, it’s so much better for people in this situation to split. Otherwise, one person gets what they want, and the other gets a lifetime of resentment and regret. Better that they both pursue their goals and happiness apart.
Tat,
I was one of those “never want children” and “can do without kids” women. I had a VERY well paid career. Then I felt the “urge” and wanted children so badly, I would harrass every baby bearing women within five kilometers. I’m sad because my children don’t look like their father and I want one that resembles their father just the slightest. I have an aunt who didn’t want children until she reached the age of 35 and realized time was running short. Note to all those XY humans out there, you CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND. Reach the age of 105, find a willing woman, and you’re set. Women can’t change their minds. Once the drop dead date for producing eggs has passed, there is no going back. So all those smug “I don’t want no children” people, think real hard about what you’re saying.
women can change their minds after the menopause, they want to bring up a child, mentoring, fostering, adoption if they can find.
why must it be your dna, your genetics.
lizabeth, your anti male bias is showing.
“I’m sad because my children don’t look like their father and I want one that resembles their father just the slightest” what a totally sad reason to have a child. will you tell this possible child, that the only reason it exists is due to your obsession to have a clone of your husband.
if you will notice, we all have thought hard and long about it. when at the age of 8 you say you are never going to have kids, and at 16, and at 24, and at 32, i sort of think you KNOW you dont want them. 24 years of saying you dont want children.. and to say we havent thought about it, is a typical breeder ploy, we have. thats why this blog exists, why other forums exist, why other blogs exist. we have thought and had to justify ourselves firstly to ourselves, and secondly to breeder brains like you.
lizabeth, you assume you know our lives better than we do, so what if your aunt changed her mind, a sample of 2 people does not mean everyone is like that.
Lizabeth, I suggest you think real hard about what you’re saying and try to engage your breeder brain before opening your ill-informed mouth. Just cos you changed your mind, doesn’t mean we will.
@ Merc - go get the trolls lol.
merc - I spy a talking uterus on our childfree blog. I think she’s lost and she is terribly ill informed. But she’s probably just a troll…
It’s funny how many post have been submitted without mention of the reverse of the original situation. For several years - since my late teen years - I made the decision that I did not want a child. I made this decision very clear 6 years ago when I started to court the man who is now my husband - just like Bazahuma said he did. He never brought up the topic of my decision to not have a child until a little over two years ago when we decided to get married. I again informed him that I had no desire to have a child, he did not object and we got married (let me note that he was quite excited on our wedding day more so than I). I am, sadly, now being pressured by him and everyone else to do the very thing that I explicitly said I had no desire to do. And I must say I feel like just about the only woman in the world who does not possess that maternal desire. My femininity has even been questioned! I have been told how selfish I am (by my own mother among other persons) because I do not want to have his child and that (again by my mother) I am abusing my position as the bearer of children to deny him a child. He, my husband, said to me that he expected me to change my mind when I confronted him with the fact that I had informed him several years prior of my decision to not have a child. I brought up the topic of adoption, and he says he is willing to adopt only if he has a biological child.
What leaves an impression on me after reading ALL the posts is that the blame of selfishness lands solely on Mrs. Bazahuma (easy way to identify her as I don’t know her name) as it has landed solely on me. Nobody has ever expressed the sentiment, as many of you have, of my husband being arrogant (for expecting me to change a long established decision) and selfish (for expecting me to WILLINGLY accept the discomforts and agony of pregnancy and labor [it will be his child but he won't at all pay the physical price of having a child]). Instead I am told to “just do it”, “he would want a child”, “get it over with”, “your degree can always wait but childbearing can’t”, “pregnancy reduces the risk if cancer”. So my despair is compounded, as I feel alienated and isolated and completely disrespected by the lack of acknowledgement of my long-standing decision.
My husband claims that our relationship has no progression, that he is getting older (he is in his very early 30s), that seeing all his brothers with their children leaves him yearning, that he feels unfulfilled, even that he is embarrassed by the fact that I (the woman) am the one that does not want to have children (funny!!). And now we are at the point where he says he is emotionally disconnected form me. I have to say I feel completely used and neglected as my feelings and decisions are ignored and because I have expended a tremendous amount of mental energy thinking about and – quite honestly - stressing over the situation, regardless of the fact that I did not keep my decision a secret from the start, and he got into our marriage knowing about that decision. I went as far as to offer my consent for him having a child outside of our relationship. I KNOW that sounds crazy, but I actually would like to see him achieve the fulfillment he desires.
Sadly the conflict has no compromise, there is not half-pregnant, half-labor, half-child for me, it’s all or nothing (and the nothing seems to includes the ending of our relationship).
there is another posting on this board about that very subject. from the opposite view.
why do people who marry want to change others. they fell in love, with one person, then they want to change them into someone else.. who they may not love. wheres the sense in that.
your husband is being arrogant, and selfish, he doesnt think about your decision, partly its because he doesnt feel the pain, his job is over in 30 seconds, and thats his job done..
talk to him about how you feel, completely, and even if he still says he wants one, i am afraid there is only one answer.. tell him to leave and find another person.. as you will not compromise, as there is no compromise when it comes to being pregnant.
T, I’m sorry you’re going through this. In your shoes, I would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed, especially since you made your feelings perfectly clear all along. It’s not like you were ever a fence-sitter!
How incredibly arrogant of him to think you’ll change your mind. And you’re absolutely correct when you say you are the one who’d have to endure the discomfort and risks of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. And as for him saying the relationship has no progression, having kids is no guarantee. . . the best of relationships can and do crack under the strain of childrearing.
You are certainly not the only woman to lack maternal desire. I have none whatsoever and I’m pretty sure the other women on this board can reassure you on that score. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do.
As for being selfish and “abusing your position as the bearer of children” - what crap. you are so much more than a uterus. And what is selfish about knowing that you have no desire for motherhood? Even if you did have a child, you’d end up resenting it and a child deserves better than that. That’s being self-aware, not selfish. Big difference.
I don’t blame you for being stressed, your partner is being totally unfair and, yes, selfish. If worst comes to worst and you do split, remember he broke the deal, not you. I agree with Merc, there’s no compromise on the issue.
I would urge you to stick to your guns, though. You know you do not want to be a parent, just like many of us know.
If you need support, just post here again, the people on the board are great.
Wishing you the best. . .
T - Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry you are going through this. I think Liz has captured what I was going to say, but I’ll still comment.
Is your husband arrogant and selfish, hurtful and unfeeling towards you on this?
Absolutely. Are you alone in having no maternal desire? No, you are not. I don’t have this mythical “maternal instinct” either. And neither do many who contribute to this blog, neither do many other hundreds of childfree women. it can be hard to meet people who say this, so it is very easy to feel isolated.
It is a shame when anyone, male or female in a partnership attempts to change the other and insist they do something which is not what they want to do.
This is not your fault and you should not be assuming blame, even though those around you are (unfairly) blaming you.
As others have said, there is no compromise on this issue. You either want a child or you don’t. And you do not. If you do not want to parent, then regardless of what anyone else says, you shouldn’t have one. It’s really none of their business. Aside from the childbirth issues, it is you who will shoulder the task of bringing up the child. It’s you that child will look to for love, support and everything else. Deservedly. And it wouldn’t fair on the child, who will know it is not wanted, if you were to have one. Your husband is thinking only of himself and how others perceive him. I don’t think you should be the sacrificial lamb at the altar of his arrogance and self-centredness.
“Abusing your position as the bearer of children..” is emotional blackmail and quite frankly rubbish. Most of what he’s saying to you is emotional bullying, in my opinion.
As Liz has said stick to your guns. Use your energy to think about how you are going to deal with this situation, because unless your husband and yourself can come to terms with the fact that you don’t want to parent ending the relationship may be the only way you have peace of mind.
I agree with Merc - talk with your husband, be clear that regardless of the fact that he thought you would change your mind, you have not. And as merc has said, if he still insists on you having a child then you will need to tell him to leave and find someone else to have it with, or that you are leaving.
You kept the terms of your agreement, he didn’t. His allegiance should be to you. Not on some dream of a child.
I wish you well.
I think this is all pretty well covered and those who think that men and women can have a great life without having kids are absolutely right. I think deception is a big part of the issue - she said numerous times she was happy to be with him without kids - then suddenly she changed her mind. Did she always plan to do that? Whether true ot not - there’s no reason he should give in to over 20 years of unhappiness just so she can have happiness - not to mention that soon she will probably want more kids. And that’s more of a damper on his chances to enjoy the only life he has. She has a right to change her mind but not to deceive him or drag him along on her decision. Did she suddenly want a baby or did she always want a baby? As I’ve said here before - 8 of my male friends had pregnancy issues with girlfriends and several with wives, who said they didn’t want kids right away - and were pregnant within two months after the wedding. I know the guys wanted to wait on kids for at least 3 years. They were close friends of mine and I went through considerable hostility from the wives for asking “what’s wrong with an adult relationship for awhile.”
Hi, Britgirl - we haven’t typed for awhile.
MajorHart
Hi
I’ve never commented on here before but came across this blog and found it interesting. My husband and I recently got married and as with most newly weds the first thing everybody commented on was ‘when will you be starting a family’. We had briefly discussed the topic before getting married and my husband made it perfectly clear that he was not interested in having children and to be honest neither was I. We have a good life and I am enjoying being married with our little dog. Lately however the thought of never having children has frightened me. That said I made the decision to marry my husband and I would always respect his wishes. There is more to life than just having children and reading some of the previous blogs actually quite disturbed me. You can’t force somebody to do something they don’t want to, and although i may have changed my mind my husband hasn’t and I would never force him to do so. I don’t really know why I’m telling you all this but it kind of makes me feel better. When I discussed this with a friend (a friend with a child I might add) she told me I was stupid and that in years to come I would resent my husband as he stopped me. This simply isn’t the case he has never lied to me he has made his thoughts clear from the start he hasn’t stopped me doing anything our life is full and will continue to be so I don’t feel it is empty in anyway in fact I think the only reason I am even thinking about the ‘family thing’ is because everybody is telling me I should be. I picked the right man for me with or without children xx
lewlew… sounds like you just got “bingoed.” Read Britgirl’s blog on that:
http://thebritgirl.com/2007/09/23/breeder-bingo-how-often-does-it-happen/
Of course your friend told you you were stupid. She’s talking as a mother, not a friend. Ignore that. She cannot possibly know you or your mind. It’s awesome that your husband has been honest with you because even some men aren’t honest and think they can change a woman’s mind. (I’ve met them, trust me.)
If you continue to think about the “family thing,” consider this:
1) A “family” does not always include children. You and your husband ARE a family.
2) Even if you are there considering your options, remember that atleast YOU have thought long and hard about your reproductive choices and that not many parents/breeders do - who blindly run head first into parenthood and then whine all about it.
Yes, you are correct in that there is more to life than children. And I can certainly understand that it may seem frightening … you can have the “what ifs” questions. I’m the opposite, when I held my own in being childfree I felt so liberated, it was a new freedom unlike I had ever known. (I had been pressured to find a “good Catholic boy” and have lots of babies after I get my college degree. *Insert eyeroll here*)
Keep reading childfree blogs and forums and hang out here. Britgirl has some very interesting and intellectual/intellectually stimulating posts. For some of us, the Internet childfree community is the only community we have.
and some men dont know they arent alone in feeling that they dont want kids, they feel like freaks, luckily i know now, i am childfree, and not further down the line.
Just wanted to thank you for the advice. Feeling much more positive finding this blog it really is one of the only places you can comment on not having children and not actually be lectured about it.
lewlew - thanks for contributing. Glad you feel better.
As CFS6 says,being able to interact with other childfree men and women through blogs and forums can make the difference. From the stimulating conversations that go on here you can see that childfree people are happy and living their lives as they want to not as how someone else says we should. It’s very liberating - and above all, validating of your choice. Hope you visit again.
I found this site through a google search. I find myself in the bad boat of actually being a “fence sitter,” as some of you write.
I am a male in his late thirties, dating a woman in her mid-30’s who has made it clear that she has always wanted a family. At first, I was fine with it, and even some days enthusiastic about it.
For some reason, my mind and heart have changed on the matter. I’m the one wavering, the one flip-flopping, and it is completely unfair to her. I understand that, but yet, there I am thinking I don’t want to make the Lifetime Compromise of having kids.
I only put this out there, because, as noted, sometimes people do change their minds. I love my GF, and in every other way I would stay with her. But is it right for me to just “go along” at this stage. Do I owe her that, or do I just owe her the freedom to find someone else who will give her what she wants.
I know the answer, but letting go is hard. And being the “guilty one” who changed his mind is not easy, either. So in a round-about-way, I sympathize with the wife who changed her mind. People change.
but if you are not 100% certain you want to be a father, then thats unfair to your g/f, or the any possible child.
i would ask would she be very upset if you didnt have kids. and see where it goes. communication is the key.
talk about it.. perhaps she hasnt considered the effects having a child will have..
Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want her holding out non-existent hope to you on something that’s so fundamental to your lives? Or would you want her to be honest? What matters isn’t the changing of minds. What matters is recognizing the consequences and taking responsibility for them.
You owe her honesty and the right to make up her own decision about what to do. Every minute you leave her in the dark about your real feelings allowing her to hope and plan….you’re deceiving her and possibly wasting her time. She is clear she wants a family. You don’t. The sooner you share this with her the better.
Britgirl said it brilliantly so I’ll “ditto” her.
I feel terribly sorry for you. I totally understand your situation. I actually found your thread just wandering online looking for help. My wife is doing the same thing to me. I told her I didn’t want children and have said the same thing for years. We’ve been together 10, and married for 5.
She has a demanding career, 70 hour weeks and sometimes weeks out of town on business. She wants me to take care of a child, and I just can’t do that. I have no desire. She’ll leave me if I won’t have children and its almost to that point.
I feel terribly bad for you. I hope you can somehow get it straightened out.
well jeff ur missus has several options, quit her job, become a stay at home, you stay at home, or she leaves. sometimes you have got to say. you want this, you choose your life, you know what i feel. i chose that and i stand by my decision.
its hard, but there cannot be a compromise when it comes to children
I read some of these comments and want to feel hope, but I’m just so sad. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and we’re getting close to the age when having children is no longer feasible. From the outset we agreed we didn’t want children. But in the back of my mind was the concern that one day his feelings would change. Not because he is dishonest, but because he is good with children and has always enjoyed them. I never have. Their dependency and need for attention makes me uncomfortable. We both know I would be a terrible parent for reasons I’d rather not go into.
Recently my concern has proved legitimate. He wants kids, and I think more than he lets on. We’ve discussed it. He doesn’t know when his feelings changed; it’s been a gradual shift that has taken time for him to realize. If he pressured me it would be easy. I could be angry and tell him it was over. But he respects my wishes and tries to stifle his own desires. I am so afraid that he will come to resent me eventually. Not out of ill-will or meanness, but because he’s undertaking a near-impossible task. Desires are largely irrational, something that occurs outside of conscious control. And he has to two conflicting desires: staying with me and having children.
While I don’t want children and despise being pressured, I understand that many people find being parents a fulfilling part of life. I don’t want to deny my husband something that would bring him joy. I am not naive– having children is non-negotiable for me for many reasons. I just don’t see how our marriage can survive this. I am thinking of encouraging him to leave me, but he I don’t think he will. Can his love and loyalty be enough to keep him from resentment? I want him to be happy and I don’t want to be the source of his dissatisfaction. I guess I have to let go and trust him to decide wisely. But there are so many complicating factors.
It seems like a difficult situation, but don’t give up hope. Life goes on.
I remember very clearly at the age of 13 or 14, I knew for sure I would
never ever ever have a child. I dont know why I’ve always felt this way, but I’ve known this just like I know that fire is hot or ice is cold.
I got married at an early age. Before getting married, I discussed the
child issue numerous times. Over and over, she agreed that it
is ok that I would never have children with her. Three years into
the marrage, she decided she wanted a child. After 3 years and 11
months of marrage, we got a divorce. She got remarried and had
two kids. After she remarried, I decided to get a vasectomy. The doctor
said I was to young, so I waited 10 years and got a vasectomy when I was dating some girl that also didn’t ever want kids.
Five years later, I found a wonderful woman and she was in her upper 30s. We had many discussions about kids and how I never would ever ever have kids. I explained that my divorce was over my exwife wanting kids and my not wanting kids. My future wife said it is not a problem and she is happy with never having a child. I was a bit paranoid about a wife changing her mind, so I even wrote her long letters explaining over and over the facts about me feeling so strongly about never having kids. I think I even said in one of my letters that I would even cut my throat before having a kid.
Well, fast-forward 3 1/2 years. My current wife is now suffering depression (but not every day). She blames me for her unhappiness and the cure for the unhappiness is to have a child that I don’t want. I would rather cut my throat than have a child. After about a year of her depression, she has now accepted the fact that I will never have a child. Unfortunately, she is still depressed ocassionally and still wants a child. When I ask her about all of our conversations we had concerning children, she says she thought she could change my mind.
The first time around, my exwife started dating other men and only came home a could nights a week. I told her to sleep at home or I would file for divorce.
This time around, I think I will sit tight until she decides to get a divorce. I am guessing she will get a divorce in a couple years. I am guessing there is a 1 in 3 chance she will not ask for a divorce in the next few years. If we dont get divorce, I am sure she will resent me the rest of my life. Boy! When I put this in writing, it seems I am the one that is crazy, not her.
2nd time, you are NOT crazy!
You may want to evaluate if you even want to be with your current wife.
I am a woman who is adamantly childfree. I have had a tubal ligation as soon as I could (early 30’s - tried at 19, no one would touch me - GRRR!) and have known since I was 6 years old (my earliest memories of my life) that I did not want children. No reason at all, I just Do. Not. Want. Children.
You said,
This makes me SO VERY ANGRY. I *hate* when people do this. I don’t understand how people just cannot accept what people say. You told your wife SEVERAL times, in writing no less, that you did not want children. IME, it’s usually *women* who think they can change men’s minds. And that makes me angry at the majority of the people of my gender.
2nd time, I feel for you. Truely. It’s as if this person lied to you and now you’re questioning your whole relationship. Rather than wait for her to take action, consider taking action yourself. Don’t let her try to pin the blame on you for her depression. It’s not your fault. It’s all on her.
This is to both you and ophelianot: I’m angry for you two. You built a relationship based on certain ideals and what you thought were the same goals - only to have one you (your partners) change their minds. But me, personally? I would much rather be alone than suffer through a relationship with my partner trying to decide whether he wanted children, or wondering whether he would leave me for someone who wanted kids.
I’m in a long term committed relationship. Before we even started dating I told him my decision was firm, final, non-negotiable, not up for discussion, and that I have been sterilyzed. (It’s my body. I’d be the one pregnant, I needed to take responsibility for it.) So, he knows. He also knows I don’t like children. I have told him if he ever decides he wants children (he doesn’t - which is why I am with him) to please let me know and we’ll go our separate ways. If that were to happen (which I doubt, he dislikes children as much as I do) I’d certainly be very sad, no doubt. But I’d rather be alone than go through the torment of being with someone who was unhappy and try to blame me for their unhappiness when they weren’t honest and lied by saying they didn’t want children.
My 47 year old sister is “trapping” her live-in boyfriend ( who used to be her boss) by becoming pregnant. She’s going for that big money.
Boy friend won’t marry her because he saw what she did to her previous husband! She got pregnant cause 1st husband didn’t want to get married.
Sister is sociopathic.
She has two kids by her x husband. Put’s him thru hell.
Her life is a example of how not to be for 2 teenage boys.
My husband and I do not have children. We have been married for 16 years.
The ectopic pregnancy I had in ‘93 nearly killed me. So sometimes you really don’t have a choice! In retrospect I am glad I listened to the little voice telling me to let it go. When it comes to kids family matters are strange.
My mother could have cared less about my ectopic.
Never even came to the hospital.
My experience is that “mother” wants her grandchildren…..she does not give a crap about you personally- just give her the immortality of offpring. Both of my sisters have given her legacy. Now I am the person who “wouldn’t know” because I don’t have kids. Not a member of the Momclub. My mother is living hell to deal with. She’s a 2 faced backstabber, and does not value me because I do not have children. Loves the sociopathic daughter though.
She’s making money just being a high class hoe.
I hope someday all her bad Karma eats her dogma.
So life on the other side is not fair as well.
Luckily my youngest sister is a great example of what family should be.
Count your blessings and move on…..really move on.
Get the nasty bitches out of your life…they don’t deserve your energy.
Kids are great, the rest of the family can be the problem!
ophelianot,
Me too. Almost exactly.
Married 20 years, together for 24. I told him before our marriage that I did not want kids and he was fine with that. I found out last year that he would have liked kids, in his posts to an online forum for runners, of all places. He never told me. This sent me straight into counseling and really disrupted my life and productivity for several months. I also wonder whether he will resent me for not having kids. I asked him once recently, and he could not guarantee that he would not. My conscience is clear because recently, and also early in our marriage, I told him that I would have a kid if he would be the primary parent. He said no. Still, I would hate to make him unhappy or to lose him. The whole thing makes me insecure about our marriage in a way I never was before. I see no good solution.
Liz - we are always worrying about how we don’t want to make anyone else unhappy. Even if it means our own unhappiness. We can choose not to. But what about his responsibility to ensure you aren’t made unhappy by his resentment real or imagined. In fact he should be going out of his way to ensure you are reassured. Yes, he may want children - so what?
We all would have liked things that we cannot have. But given he was amply aware that wasn’t an issue he has no right to make you feel guilty or doubtful. He can absolutely guarantee that he won’t feel resentful towards you - if he can just get out of his self absorbed cave and be a husband. He wasn’t even prepared to be the primary caregiver, and that makes me wonder exactly what he does want. But that’s neither here nor there.
He has control over what he chooses to feel or not feel. He should be worrying about losing you. Not the other way around.
Hi Britgirl, Thanks for your comments!
The situation is hard to gauge - we simply do not discuss the child issue at all, so I have no clue how he feels. I do not want to pester him about the topic when I would rather let sleeping dogs lie.
I do think he tries to reassure me in his day-to-day behaviour, which is loving. His reluctance to be the primary parent stems from his reluctance to produce a kid who is not wanted by both parents. (If I actually wanted a kid, I think he might agree to be the primary parent. Not that he has any clue about how much work is involved!)
BTW, thank you for developing and maintaining this website.
Yep, I have a problem too.
I found my soul mate, I mean we are peas and carrots!
She is non materialistic, beautiful, moral and a all around great person.
When we meet 7 years ago, she asked if I would have a kid.
I said sure, but not now! I have 3 kids from a previous marriage & it has been hell, one kid is in juve, the other in foster care, and the other lives with us (he is doing great). I feel worn out, legal battles, custody issues, psycho ex-wife, you know…honestly I can say I really do not want a kid! It has gone the other way from thinking that might be O.K.. to the whole idea makes me sick.
The problem is it is time to pay up. My wife wants a kid. Should I do what I said I would do? Should I tell my wife no? I have a vasectomy so no surprises.
I could tell her that the vasectomy cant be reversed (which might be true), I could try to weasel out of it, the problem is I would know and I consider myself a moral person & besides a lie is always uncovered.
Signed, at a loss.
why not tell her what has gone on.. you couldnt give as much time to any potential kid.
talk to her tell your reasonings, if she is as moral as non materialisitic tell her what you put on here.
if she does have a child her entire personality will change, why should you be a miserable father, and possibly take it out on that child especially if it was like your last ones. Talk to her
First, I have to admit that I have not read all 50-odd comments before me. However, I have one thing and one thing to say. A persons fertility is the responsability of that person. In other words, and this will maybe seen as harsh, but this guy should have decided to get a vasectomy when he realised that he didn’t want children (probably before he even met his current wife).
If he had got a vasectomy, he would not have to bother about an ‘oops’ coming along and also he would made a statement to the world that he is not wanting any more children.
Yes, I’m a guy who has had a vasectomy, many years ago (was single at the time) effectively told any woman I dated that I was not going to have children. Vasectomy reversal is not totally effective.
I feel sorry for the guy, but he should get snipped now before things turn out worse…
yes, its a persons responsiblity for birth control unfortunatly, some places need a wifes signature or “permission” but this couold just be a misinterpretation of the forms. which is exactly the same as the form that allows a women have a tubal.
then theres the other side, on other childfree boards my wife says she wants a tubal, she wants to be slshed and burned, now that her choice, i have been told that i shouldnt let her do that, it should be me that does it. (i will get one eventually once everythings settled but she is first), essentially putting the onus on me.. when it should be about the personal choice about your body.
Thank you mercurior.
My 10 year old was yelling and screaming last night because he could not have ice cream. He is a really good kid, I mean as good as a kid can be. I love him, will always be a good dad but I am tired. Kids have drained me financially and emotionally. Again, I am a good dad, I have to be & it is my responsibility since I helped bring them into the world but I want no more!
I wrote a long letter of my concerns to my wife with these points.
A) We cant afford a child at this time.
If we have a kid, she would not work until it goes to school.
We would loose her income and I would have to pay for her and the kids insurance + our cost of living would go up.
B) The reversal has a 30% success rate after 7 years and costs over 12,000.
C) I am tired of living for other people. My whole life I did what was expected and the right thing to do.
(That is why I married my first psycho wife at 19 when we became prego).
D) The world does not need more people. We are a parasite on this earth.
I also believe it is going to be a rough go for the next generation.
E) I may become really pissed off at my wife or god forbid the new kid.
By doing what is expected of me, and what is not right for me.
All of these justifications for not having a kid sounds rightjous.
The kicker is, it will likely cost me the love of my life.
My 10 year old has a good life and a great step mom.
I will never find a woman like her again.
It will not be painful, it will be crushing for both of us.
Thanks for the advice all. I will keep you posted.
(When I have the guts to present the letter).
Present the letter, your points are valid and you have to trust your feelings. I could not imagine the damage it woud have done to my husband if he did not express his desire to be CF. I think it is actually bringing us closer, if it is possible. Also, have more faith in your partner. She may decide life with you is the best part of life. But do give her time & space, she will have to do a lot of soul searching and redefine herself as an individual.
but be aware that she may have her own justifications for each of y