What Is Childfree?
16 07 2007Recently I have seen some really odd uses of the word childfree.Odd, because it’s being used by some childed folk to describe themselves or to describe what they are doing. Why?
On one hand “the childfree” as we’re called are people to be feared. I mean, according to some aren’t we supposed to hate kids? In fact, isn’t the mere mention of the words, kids, children et al, supposed to send us into a frenzy of rage, immediately triggering an impulse to gobble up any kid in sight as a nice tasty snack?
And - hang on – aren’t we supposed to be terrifying – even though you couldn’t possibly tell whether or not we are childfree unless we told you. We usually don’t. And us telling anyone is usually as a result of a) someone blathering on about their kids two minutes into a conversation, b) the tiresome, but predictable questions “so, do you have kids?” “are you planning to have kids?” or even worse “so, how many kids do you have?”
The subsequent responses to each of these questions are generally potential conversation killers and silent confirmation to the childed of she/he must “dislike kids.” A mystery to me.
So why then am I seeing things like this…
“I was so looking forward to some childfree time…. when my husband would take the kids off somewhere and I’d relax over a coffee…
Or this:
“I used to be childfree. But then I heard my biological clock and realized I don’t have much time, and I might be missing out on the greatest experience (ever) known to mankind womankind…
Or this:
“I used to be childfree. But then I realized how selfish I was being/saw my friend’s baby/held my sister’s baby/got scared of being alone… and decided that I wanted a kid…”
Sorry childed folks. Be ignorant about childfree people if you like, although it’s unhelpful. More helpful would be to get to know childfree people for themselves rather than judge us by our reproductive choices. You might learn something. Particularly about that strange myth you’ve been sold about childfree being equal to child hating, which I find amusing since far and away the most hateful and distressing behaviour meted out on children these days is by their supposedly loving parents (who, by the way, will often admit they dislike other people’s kids, but that their own are different). That’s a rather conflicting message.
But let’s be clear about what, in my opinion being childfree is. If you’re childfree, feel free to add.
Being childfree is a state of mind as well as a state of being. And it’s pretty permanent.
Being childfree means that you do not have children, and you have never given birth to, nor fathered a child, and you never will. Not ever. Not today. Not tomorrow, nor in a few years hence. If you want kids or plan for them in the future via any method, for any reason, you are childless, not childfree. There is a difference. You can’t be a birth parent and be childfree. You can’t be a genetic (sperm/egg donor) parent or an adoptive parent and be childfree. Neither can you be “future” parents and be childfree.
So being childfree isn’t a “moment in time,” when you have some “you” time away from the day to day demands of your kids. That’s being a parent having a break from the kids.
It isn’t the time while, as a wanna-be parent, you do all sorts of exciting things before “settling down and having kids.”
But one thing that being childfree is?
Increasingly more common.
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
Well said! I have “childfree” and “childless” as Google mail notifiers and for months now there has been a rash cropping of: “Kids spent the night somewhere and we had a childfree evening!” And all I could wonder is when the term got co-opted.
a childless can become a childfree, but can a childfree become a childless.. possibly?
one refers to either a medical conditon or something else, the other refers to a concious choice.
if you are with your new partner, and he had a child from a previous marriage, and you are married, and he doesnt want anymore children, the partner could be childfree, because no children will belong to THEM. as a couple. they could be termed a childfree couple, but only as a group.
(i know a couple of women who are in that situation, and she is very childfree, and he doesnt want kids i think he was pressured into having them and the previous relationship broke down) so is he part of the childfree world, or is he not part of it. this is a very gray, very personal area.
i would say childless people generally have a need for something else in their lives, and due to situations that isnt possible. childfree we understand that children are not the solution to future problems, they are the cause.
less or free is determined by strength of feeling, is a woman who puts her child up for adoption, is she childfree, she is free of the child, but has a child she may never see.. does that count..
it depends on personal situation, how far you take the childfree stance. and only a person can say whether they are cf or cl..
childless and childfree are 2 groups, but within that group there are infinite veriations, which i think is the best thing to have.
childfree are people who have no children and feel no sense of loss at not having them.
childless are people who have no children and feel a sense of loss as a result.
I think it’s entirely possible for someone to be childfree, and have had some part in making a child. A person could, for example, have had a pregnancy terminated, and feel only relief to have escaped that particular fate. I’d also say that parent could have had their children grown and out of the house, and have no desire to deal with anyone else’s children (grandchildren, nieces/nephews, neighbor kids), and honestly call themselves childfree as well.
RMS - Precisely. I kept clicking on these links, expecting read a childfree article on my alerts that say “childfree” and find myself reading about - parents having a “childfree latte” in a stolen “childfree moment”and loving every moment of it. Hello? Indeed when did it get co-opted? I’ve no idea.
Mercurior - my thoughts - ” if you are with your new partner, and he had a child from a previous marriage, and you are married, and he doesn’t want anymore children, the partner could be childfree, because no children will belong to THEM. as a couple.”
I disagree actually. He is a parent, so they can’t be a childfree couple. You could argue that she would be a “step-parent” although that’s probably a grey area because she might not be. By accepting that person with a child, you accept their offspring. That’s fine, but then don’t go saying your childfree. If they parent - in any way shape or form, I’d say they weren’t childfree.
I’d say a woman who has put her child up for adoption would not be thought of as childfree - for the simple reason that she has given birth regardless of whether she sees the child at all.
I also wouldn’t say that children are necessarily the cause of problems (although this isn’t saying they are sometimes are. And I do agree that having a child isn’t the solution to filling a gap or to many other “problems” that many who have them feel they are.
Can a formerly childess person become childfree - I’d say yes. I know someone who did. But again, it is more about a decision that involves acceptance that one will never have children, and embracing the rich opportunities life without children offers.
Feh - “childfree are people who have no children and feel no sense of loss at not having them”. Yes - I would say they have never wanted children and who have made a deliberate decision not to have children.
“A person could, for example, have had a pregnancy terminated, and feel only relief to have escaped that particular fate.”
Yes, I’d agree they’d be childfree, having not actually given birth.
But as for the parents - they’ve had children who are grown - regardless of whether they want to have involvement with other children I wouldn’t call them childfree, as they’ve had children and been parents. But they are free of parenting because their kids have grown up.
Let’s see now.. I can hardly see society turning to them and saying they have missed out on the best experience ever, can you?
Feh said it all for me:
“childfree are people who have no children and feel no sense of loss at not having them.
childless are people who have no children and feel a sense of loss as a result”
My Beloved and I are childfree and loving it.
Could it just be poor grammar? ;-).
“Childfree” = what we are — and is a fairly new word in the hypenless (hypen-less?) state.
Child-free (as in an evening or afternoon etc. ) = same as ’stress-free’ day or a ‘meat-free diet’?
The internets are full of poor grammarians and spellers…and I’m often among them.
I really wish more people realized that our being “childfree” isn’t some phase we will one day “grow out of”. It’s not some temporary state of mind…not for people who are truly serious and bound to their choice it isn’t.
Anytime some childed person says to me that they were once “childfree” I correct them. You were NEVER childfree or you wouldn’t be a parent now. Childfree people do NOT have children under any circumstances. You may have been “childless” at one point, but you’ve never been childfree to the core if you ended up with a kid.
Fuckers just don’t get it.
Frustrates me.
Christine… I think we’re both
Childfree Chick… Very well said! I think we should all correct people who misuse the term.
“Fuckers just don’t get it.” LOL… that cracked me up
And the problem is as you say, when non-childfree people use the term childfree (or child-free) it entrenches the erroneous view that it is a temporary state that you simply grow out of. Hence the “you’ll change your mind… I was once “childfree…yadda yadda.”
i agree that some people who call themselves childless, but only after deep soul searching, and some hindsight, can we truly say who is childfree.
childless, they are missing something.
childfree, we are not missing anything.
empty nesters they got rid of their children.
but a lot of people dont look too deep at themselves to make this decision, to have a child or not to have a child that is the question. they may have thought they were childfree before having children, but in reality they were childless., they just didnt know it. its the over use of childfree when for some the term childless is more appropriate.
I love a good semantic quibble. In this case, it’s an important one. At least to me (childfree male - yo, represent!). In fact, it reminds me of my smoking quibble - one I feel strongly about, and perhaps you’ll see the parallel.
NON smokers are people who never smoked, ever - and presumably never will.
EX smokers are people who once smoked - even decades ago - and stopped. Ex smokers CANNOT be and ARE NOT non smokers.
This isn’t a snobbish distinction - as an ex smoker it is important for me to remember that I did it once, I have to be eternally self-vigilant to ensure I will never smoke again. I am suspect even unto myself, and my saying “you shouldn’t smoke” to anyone should always be seen as at least slightly hypocritical.
So a childfree woman who was ever even once consensually pregnant is equivalent to the “ex smoker” - who’s to say she won’t hit that same decision matrix that got her up the spout before again in the future? She’s always potentially going to be eyeing the ground rushing by under the wheels of the childfree bandwagon; maybe she won’t jump again — maybe she will.
I agree - childfree is all about the lack of a feeling you’re missing something. Maybe I AM a mutant for not buying into the bullshit that is “serial longevity” (dead is DEAD, folks), but at least I don’t have to worry about passing that mutant gene on to any future generations.
I just wanted to note that the first “rebecca” is not me. However, I totally agree with her comment wondering when the term got co-oped, and great insights all! Also, so nice to see someone else with such a terrific name!
I’m child free. I won’t change my tune. But I’m engaged to a parent. It was just my luck that the guy who turned out to be the perfect match for me got “oops-ed” by his GF a few years before I met him. So when he and I marry, I’ll TECHNICALLY be a step-parent. That doesn’t make my CF stance null and void. The child’s mother is her primary guardian and likely will always be. Having someone else’s child visit my home on occasional weekends doesn’t make me a parent. Never being a full time parent to ANYONE’S child and making certain I’ll never have any of my own makes me CF.
See what I’m getting at? I won’t lose my ability to wave the CF flag over my head because of who I choose to marry. So the previous poster’s comment on step-parents may be a bit too broad.
I just googled for “I used to be childfree” because I wanted to see if there is anyone else out there in my position. My husband and I do not have kids and we have self-identified as childfree for the past five years. Certainly we thought this was a permanent stance. However, yesterday he told me that he is having some unexpected longing for the things (intangibles mostly) that children *might* bring. So now I am completely ungrounded. He used the word “deal-breaker” in the conversation even though he says he’s confused about the feelings (do men have a biological clock?) and isn’t sure if they are just a phase or if they are a new reality.
I can still say I don’t want kids, even though I can admit that there must certainly be joyous things about having them. Still, I fear the not-so-joyous times that probably make up the majority. (Just like marriage has truly joyous times, but is mostly made up of the hum-drum of daily life, and other times is incredibly painful.) But if it’s a deal-breaker for him? Suddenly it’s not so black and white as “I am childfree and I always will be.” I had planned to always be childfree and I am truly terrified of hearing my husband tell me that, yes, he really does want to have kids. I might throw out a compromise of my own and say, Ok, but only one kid. Maybe I will find that when push comes to shove I just can’t give - maybe I really am childfree for life. Or maybe I will find myself excited about the yet unexplored possibilities of having a child, a family in the traditional sense of the word.
As I get older, I recognize that things change, feelings change - even though that scares me to death. I want nothing more than to be able to identify all parts of me and have them never change. But I used to eat meat - and then I didn’t - and then I started eating fish, and each thing felt completely right at the time, each choice was made thoughtfully and with integrity. My identity seems to be an ever evolving entity with a mind of its own, and sure, I can nail my feet to the ground and refuse to ever consider other possibilities, but that seems to be denying the reality of personal growth and maturity. Please hear me when I say that having a child does not imply personal growth and maturity - I make no bones about the fact that I am as mature and selfless (and immature and selfish) as any parent - but being open to growth means being open to the possibility that things will change.
And one day, if my husband and I do decide to have a child (and the time to do this is getting short), I might very well say “I used to be childfree” (just like I can say “I used to be a vegetarian) and I will be entirely within my right to do so - criticism come if it may. The sad part is that other people will associate my former childfree-ness with lack of maturity and they might say “We’re so glad you grew up!” - but I’ll know better and so will all of you. A true grownup can wander in the vast gray area of life and make thoughtful choices recognizing that saying yes to one experience often means saying no to another. Such is life.