Why Do Anti-Childfree People Visit Childfree blogs?
23 07 2007Exactly why do some parents and wanna-be parents visit childfree blogs and sites to slag off the owners and their readers? Note this post is not directed at the parents who read, and or comment, but never slag off others in the conversations.
I refer to breeders (not parents, and there is a difference), who either deliberately seek out or happen upon a childfree blog or forum and immediately begin to inform all on said childfree blog of shier opinion of them or to flame the forum. They are not interested in engaging in discussion, they are interested in telling childfree people how wrong they think they are for being childfree. I’m beginning to spot their pattern… sometimes it begins with an innocuous comment to a post. There’s some back and forth as readers respond. When readers respond from a childfree perspective – unsurprising, since in the main this blog is a childfree space, the non-childfree person suddenly reverts to type and throws out the rather typical insulting comments – before they pretend to leave for more reproducing-friendly shores while still hanging about here.
I find it odd they persist because if they dislike childfree people so much (and they make that clear sooner or later) then why do they a) read childfree blogs and b) comment on them at such length? Don’t they have kids to pay attention to? One potential breeder, annoyed at not receiving the response she wanted informed us that she had better things do do… such as having babies. We live in a pro-parent, pro-natalist society where the message the entire time is “You should have kids, you must have kids, if you don’t have kids you’re wrong or missing out.” Childfree people have found ways to prove otherwise. And thanks to childfree blogs and forums they can share their common ground – and common experiences, rant, and sound off if they like. Given how pro-natalistic our society is, a childfree forum or blog is probably the only spot they can do this and they are still few and far between.
It’s usually very clear whether a blog is a childfree space or not. If it doesn’t say so, you can tell by the general conversation or checking out past articles. But somehow childfree blogs seem to be a magnet for certain people who not only have no interest in learning about what being childfree means, or in childfree people themselves (who I might add are as different as anyone else) but whose only purpose seems to be to throw a tantrum when they don’t hear what they want to hear and to tell us how they enjoy breeding and how we are missing out need to get a life.
In a Google alert the other day I read that one parent replied to a thread in a childfree newsgroup, just to “get the childfree members going.” His ignorance and disdain for childfree people (he doesn’t understand the difference between childfree and persists in calling it “childless and equates childfree with hating children) are only too apparent.
Which begs the question – exactly why does this person waste so much time on childfree sites? Why even bother writing about them? His post is an example of some of the crass ignorance that is still out there in the minds of many. Question is why was this parent who says blithely “sure, I used to be childless…” in a childfree forum in the first place. Perhaps we’re seen as “fair game.” It’s a pity that my childfree alerts bring up this kind of crap, but at least it keeps me aware of the ignorance out there.
Another childfree forum has been somewhat blunter. In response to much of the flaming that was coming from the childed on that childfree forum and nastiness it caused, they posted a notice that those who were not childfree weren’t welcome. In fact they were banned. That, of course pissed off some childed folks – who took offence that parents were banned from the childfree forum. In fact the forum said they had come to the banning decision after having seen that most of the breeders could not get through a couple of sentences without talking about their kids and how grand parenting was. What is their point exactly?
I like Phoenas up-front Rules on her blog – check them out. And I agree with her. I also don’t agree with sanitising language to make childfree forums more comfortable for parents – and I am starting to see a lot of that. As with most things, it’s impossible to be all things to all people. As far as blogs are concerned, if anyone is offended by what’s said on it – find another blog. There are plenty.
Thankfully on Like It Is, the number of trolls I’ve had to ban is almost non-existent.
Parents have always been welcome to join in as long as they come with an open mind and an interest in learning about childfree people and – as long as they bear in mind that this is a childfree space and no one is going to censor their words or thoughts. I like to think the conversations here are interesting and positive – and at the very least one more childfree person can feel that it isn’t just them and that they are completely normal. For some breeders, it may appear that it’s open season and you can simply jump right in telling us how sad our lives are because we’re not busy making babies like you are, but, as hard as it might be for you to believe, we aren’t interested. And if you make the mistake of coming to our friendly open space and being rude and obnoxious, then don’t be surprised if you’re told in no uncertain terms where to go.
I am not interested in hearing how bearing a child is the most awesome, natural experience in the world, and how I am missing out. And how little compassion I must have because I’m childfree. I remain uninterested in the fact that you have four kids and you are working on a fifth, and even less interested in hearing about how “us childfree types” are (fill in the blank with negative description).
I know that parenting is a hard job – that’s why I chose not to do it. What I don’t understand is why, after having your kids you then whine about how hard it is and at the same time try to convince me that I should have kids… there is only one way that makes any sense and that is if you’re resentful that I’m not going through what you are.
If you’re a parent and have something positive to contribute then you’re as welcome as any childfree person here.
If you’re a wanna-be parent and you’re looking for absolution for your need to breed, move along. I guarantee you will find neither absolution nor sympathy here.
If you’re anti-childfree, there are thousands of parenting blogs out there and they are a much better place for you to hang out… you should definitely give childfree blogs and forums a wide berth and not waste our time, because your quest to convert us to parenting bandwagon (through insults, disdain or otherwise) will backfire.
We aren’t going away. Deal with it.
Technorati Tags: childfree, anti-childfree, childfree
i would also say if your on the fence, this blog is a good start, you meet some intelligent people. we may not always agree, we may seem to be arguing at each other but in my case its nothing personal.
i dont swear, but thats me, i dont object to others swearing, they have the freedom to do that, but if they start on certain words that denigrate groups then thats it.. theres a line which i do not cross, of course if someone insults my family or close friends (which has happened) the gloves are off.
i think we generally deal with trolls ourselves mostly ;-).. we are learning to be not as apologetic as some boards have become, unfortunatly others become too militant and dislike anyone that questions them (even on off topic posts). Which is a shame., sometimes they are the real enemy, they really do seem to hate parents, which does the britgirl and other peoples blogs and forums no good, it just perpetuates the breeders hatred of our freedoms and of us.
these people see the boards that “seem” to hate parents, giving them the impression that we all hate them , a few childfree people on other groups troll parent forums and blogs which just gives them more ammo against us, if i post on a parent board or a topic like that i am always away of how they see me and the rest of us, but i dont compromise i just state the facts, with evidence usually. and let it them decide if i hate kids or not, if they reply good on merc, i may put a post saying btw i am childfree..
but thats just my way.
You bring up an interesting point about other boards becoming apologetic, Mercurior. I’ve noticed that too. It’s a pity cos as britgirl says, there are still very few blogs and forums for the childfree and we don’t really have many places to vent.
the problem is the apologetic boards make us seem like ineffective walk overs, the rabid anti mother boards, they make the breeders convinced we all torture children.
both of which arent the best, for the rest of us cf, so what can we do.. i dont know.
so we get it from both ends..
I don’t get why they are so obsessed with our sites, either. I have no desire to lurk on or post on mommy boards. I’m not a dog lover, so I have no deire to hang out on dog discussion boards. I can’t stand Harry Potter so I won’t hang out on Harry Potter boards. Hello, that’s common sense. So why do parents want to hang out on childfree sites? I just don’t get it.
My list of rules don’t help much, seeing as most of them don’t read the rules. In fact, I think most of the trolls I get don’t read my site AT ALL, they just believe some lie or exaggeration their friends tell them, and start cussing me out for something I never even said or did. *shrug*
I still have fun with it, though. Most of the hate mail I get is at least a little amusing. Some of it is downright hysterical! I don’t mind the trolls and hate mail much, though, because it’s free entertainment.
Some bimbo emailed me a couple of weeks ago saying, “I just don’t get the point of your site! What do you people think you’re going to accomplish!” So I emailed her back and said, “You didn’t even read the site, did you?” and gave her links to the pages where I clearly state why I have a site and what the (general) goals are of the (general) childfree community. She emailed back and said, “I did too read those pages! They just weren’t clear enough to understand!” Not clear enough? She must be joking. She’s obviously never read any of it, but is trying not to look like the complete moron she is. Very amusing.
Since we’re are all different, blogs are going to be different. Since Like It Is is still about my opinions about stuff - child free stuff being a big part of that, and it is great that we can have conversations here where we all contribute our unique viewpoints - I make no apologies for what I think nor what I say. To be honest I am not really bothered about what other childfree blogs do or don’t do… because what they do is entirely up to them - and vive la difference.
There are so few places where childfree people can truly vent their frustrations that I can quite understand why their forums fulfill this role. Until blogs, there was no-where at all. It is a pity the apolgetic streak is creeping in, but I feel that people who don’t want it can always go off and form community.
Many of my friends are parents and I know for a fact that they are great parents - and their kids are super kids so one can’t lump everyone in together. Having said that though, our childfree experience if full of certain parents who find it quite ok to question our choice and are not accepting of it and until being childfree isn’t seen as some kind of “freaky abnormality” there is going to be room for many more childfree blogs.
We can’t do anything about what breeders do on their board, except try and set the record straight where we feel we can… so I am only really concerned about what happens on my blog as that’s what I can control.
But Phoeana’s point is a good one. Why hang out on a childfree blog (if you aren’t a friend, supporter or learner) to stir up trouble?
It makes no sense - unless the intent is malicious. But hey, I have to admit there IS an entertainment value
yes lots of entertainment value.. unfortunatly my forum doesnt get any parents who hate the childfree. and i am a bit gutted at that..
i want them to come.. i want to rip them a new one.. but they dont
“you’re resentful that I’m not going through what you are” Think you might have hit the naol on the head there old girl.
mercurior.. now, now don’t bait them
LOL.
Dave - yes… and it could easily have been so different… for them.
I have so many thoughts and theories on why “breeders” visit childfree sites and feel the need to pontificate their opinions. The best I can offer is “misery loves company.” Parents who might not be 100% happy with how things turned out for them feel a need to justify their lives, their choices and their existence by telling the world how happy they are and how miserable we must be for not making the choice to have children. The Childfree are also very threatening to parents… who do not understand why we would make that choice. And honestly, there is a great internet debate between the working and stay at home moms… but there is one group they can both agree to bash; the childfree. At least we give them something to band together on…
We have parents from time to time that visit my site’s forum. More often, I personally get email about how horrible I am, what would I do if my mother didn’t want kids, the list goes on and on.
Usually, with BellaOnline, people just don’t always realize they are at the Married No Kids site, because it falls under the heading “Relationships.” But there are those who set out to be demeaning and destructive, and those people are asked to leave.
I try to maintain a rather “tame” forum, because I don’t want to be another anti-child, family hating site. Married No Kids is more about finding peace with and support for your desire not to have children. Nothing more, nothing less.
Kim
MNK Editor
Explosive - Ah yes, the work vs stay at home moms debate. I think that debate is only a little less vitriolic than the bashing that childfree women get. It’s almost funny that they both can agree that bashing the childfree is something they can both agree on and join forces to do so… except that it’s sad really. Here again we have women who have made a choice for their lives wanting turning on others who have made an alternative choice! Sound familiar?
What a waste of energy. What is it about some women (in particular) that they cannot seem to tolerate any other choice other than the one THEY made?
Kim - hello - I have always thought your articles were very well balanced. Pretty sad that some see fit to send nasty email and be destructive. I’m still puzzled how whether my parents wanted kids or not has anything to do with my own choice to not have them!
Kim - also wanted to thank you for linking to this post on your forum. I found the responses on your forum very interesting indeed. I found the comment about gay people having children and pressuring others to have them particularly interesting. I encourage readers to go over and have a read of the responses
http://forums.bellaonline.com/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=330847
One thing is very clear to me. And it is worth an article in itself. It’s that childfree blogs and forums are very important and very much needed and the hate-filled envious flamers are going to have their work cut out.
Hello,
So, I’m a parent visiting a child-free blog for the first time mostly because I’m just curious. I have no qualms with people who don’t have children. There’s absolutely no reason to have any problem. What I want to say is that I respect your venting and that there are those parents out there who sit on these ridiculously high pedestels and deem who is worthy and who is not. Breeders area breeders and parents are parents, it’s as simple as that. People will have their opinions and I can see why some parents come to your sites to bash your beliefs. When you vent about how unruly children can be parents, naturally, become defensive and think things like, “My child doesn’t act that way!” or “These people have absolutely no clue what they are talking about because they don’t have children and cannot possibly understand what we can go through.” However, opinions are just that and to be bothered to such an extent that one feels obliged to say nasty things just isn’t right. I will continue to read your blog because I do find it very interesting to get the other perspective. I waited to have a child well into my 30’s and it was never really something I strived to do in my life. There was a time when I was one of the child-free, but I’m very happy where I am now. That’s probably why I’m not offended by anything that is said here. Blog away!
soma -”However, opinions are just that and to be bothered to such an extent that one feels obliged to say nasty things just isn’t right.”
I am pleased you’ll keep reading. I somehow don’t think you were ever “one of the child-free” if you were waiting to have a child at any point. And on that point, if you read enough on this blog and others, you’ll gain an understanding of exactly what being child-free means. I’m not sure what you’re referring to in your comment on ” saying nasty things” so I won’t bother to address it.
As for you seeing why people come here to bash our views… sorry, but there is no excuse for them, particularly not defensiveness. I do not visit childed blogs to bash their views. They often simply cannot tolerate the thought that some people don’t want children, don’t really care what they’ve gone through - since they freely chose to have said children - … and don’t like the kids they seem unable to control and expect everyone to put up with.
As a late 30’s professional, married, CFBC woman and an aunt to 7 nieces and nephews, I can say I went through HELL until 3 years ago when I finally found an awesome OB/GYN who would grant my wish of many many years and performed the ESSURE procedure on me. I finally, for the first time in my life, could enjoy a sexual relationship with my husband of 10+ years without worrying about pills and pregnancy. I knew since I was a child that I didn’t want kids - I didn’t like kids as a kid! I wanted to be around adults, they were more relaxed and easier to communicate with. For YEARS I had to endure constant ridicule and all the prodding everyone here knows about, how I will change my mind later on. They’ve finally SHUT UP!
I find CF forums an awesome place to vent the realities of how todays unruly, rude and spoiled children ruin my dinner plans and shopping trips. Moms with their SUV-type strollers bumping me and running into my heels, and expecting me to hold the door open for them and tolerate the unbearable behaviors of their children. There are some wonderful parents out there and I give credit where credit is due. Sadly, they are few and far between. I thank those with the time and balls to host these sites where we can freely speak our minds on the subject of a childfree lifestyle - thank you!
some sites are more vocal than others, some are hardcore, some like this we have reasoned discussions most of the time. which is great. its good to have places where we can vent and other where we can really get to the heart of matters.