Business Meeting? The Childfree Could Do With Less Chat About The kids
13 08 2007Fewer pictures too…
As a businessperson (whether employed or an entrepreneur) I know that life is all about the quality of your relationships. Who you know and how you know them, how you can help them and how people can help you can make the difference between glowing success or mediocrity in work or career, in fact in any venture for business or pleasure. Because I realize the importance of relationships I network as much as I can. There is always room for improvement, but I have to say that social networking is making meeting new people and keeping in touch with old friends easier than ever. And it’s particularly good for making new business contacts, whatever your industry.
When I first saw the article Stop Talking About Your Kids on Childfree news back in July, I decided this subject was worth blogging about – as always with my own take. I hope you’ll add your views.
I have to agree with the writer of the original article in FastCompany that when I go to meet with someone, it is extremely boring to have the first 10 minutes taken up with stories about their kids.
Their kid (or their kid’s kid) is just starting school, is teething, is graduating, is going to their first party, is having trouble with another kid – you name it, I’m going to hear it within the first few minutes of meeting a parent for the first time. Usually I try to make noises that are “kind of empathizing” without “being encouraging.” I am childfree but I certainly understand parents like to talk about their kids. I wonder why they also can’t understand that not everyone does like to talk about kids. Sometimes my being non-committal works, often it doesn’t. The motor usually runs on until it’s eventually noticed that I am not responding with kid responses of my own. Then I get either “Do you have kids?” or “Well you know how kids are…what can you do?” or some other child-centred comment.
No, I do not have kids. No, I don’t want kids. Yes, it would be great if you listened to see if I confirmed your kid stories with kid stories of my own – and when I do not, change the subject. Quickly. And yes, could we possibly talk about something else? Like business, or a ton of other things other than your child?
It does take two to make conversation.
When you’re meeting anyone for the first time, you try to find common ground. The common ground as a preamble to business should be sharing something about YOU. I make an effort to find common ground, because I believe it is important. Many childed people don’t even seem to realise that when they are sharing “about them” they are simply babbling about “their kids”. Frankly, when I am talking about business, I don’t want to know about their kids – unless I ask about them. There are times when I do ask about kids – and that is when I know the person already and know that they have kids. So we are not talking about first time meets here. I ask because I know the person and/or we are friends and I’m genuinely interested in how their kids are because I am interested in them. They key thing is – I ask them.
The odd thing is, if I don’t ask, they usually don’t talk about their kids… and when they do talk about them, they keep it short. That’s good. It makes for great conversation and meaningful discussion. Of course, since I know them, they either know that I am childfree or that it isn’t good manners to talk about their kids to death, and that we’re there to talk work or business or be social around business.
But back to the others. Most people think that as long as you’re female you’re either a parent, a parent in waiting or a wanna-be parent. And that if you’re married you must have kids anyway. If you’re male and married, that equals you have or are soon having the kids. They’re “coming along.” It never seems to cross their minds that there is any other scenario, that some of us do not have nor want children. Should you mention you are childfree or don’t want kids, the kid story tap turns off almost immediately.
I don’t go about with a sign announcing I am childfree, neither do I open a conversation with “Oh, by the way I am childfree…what about you?” If I did have some way of getting that tidbit in, perhaps I wouldn’t have to endure kid stories, or the stories about how tough parenting is et al.
I happen to see my being childfree as just part of who I am, not something that defines me. As far as I am concerned it never really needs to come up at all. My reproductive state, or lack thereof, is nothing to do with doing business or why I am talking to someone as a colleague or potential business associate. Now I am wondering if it might be worth injecting my childfree status into the kiddie conversations as early as possible, to cut the kid conversation off at the pass – so to speak.
Even more off-putting are the number of business networking sites and blogs with the person – and hey presto! a picture of their kid/s. What is that about? While I understand that your child is the centre of your universe,unless you are on a parenting blog or in a parenting business, when it comes to business perhaps it’s not the best way of introducing who you are. It could send out the wrong message to would-be business associates, particularly those who don’t have kids and who also make up your audience – if you happen to be selling something.
I understand that people want to talk about what’s dear to them. Kids fall into that category for many. But there is a time and a place. Keep it short, and even when I’m friendly about it, when I don’t respond in kind, move on to topics where we have common ground. If I am meeting with you in a business setting there probably are one or two. At least. And if I am meeting you as a colleague friend or business associate for the first time, I will never ask you if you have kids.
As was aptly said on Childfree News:
“ but if you want my business, or even friendship, then as one of the handful of people who don’t have kids, please spare me the harping on about your kids, and see what turns up.”
Well said.
Technorati Tags: Childfree, childfree
I wonder if asking about kids is a female trait, in business or otherwise. I cant remember ever being asked about my children at any time during my working life, not even by women. After asking some of my male collegues nore can they. Assumptions again I suppose.
Yeah Dave, I do get more kid-comments and kid-questions from females than males. I believe that women see their parental status as more of a central part of their identity than men do. For men it’s something they do; for women, it’s who they are.
Dave - interesting point. I thought about that. I think it must be a female trait, because the times I’ve been asked children questions by men is so rare I can’t remember any. Not that children don’t come up in the conversation at times, but it is almost incidental.
Karen put it very well - including the part about the parental status. Hence it does not occur to them that there might be any other state a woman might be happy with.
“My reproductive state, or lack thereof, is nothing to do with doing business or why I am talking to someone as a colleague or potential business associate.”
Hear, hear! I so wish people would take this to heart, not just about me but about themselves as well. I agree with the idea of unless I ask, I don’t really want to know. And as a woman, I do see that it comes up more from other women than from men.
I find that women are more quick to assume that other women they meet, whether in a business situation or otherwise, have children. If you’re a woman over 40, other women will question less about if you will have any children, because the assumption is, you’re closer to menopause and the having kids option doesn’t exist anymore.
You would think the women over 40 with kids wouldn’t have many “cute” stories about their offspring. However, many of them these days are just now having kids, so they’re going on about their babies and toddlers. The rest are going on about their high school and/or college aged kids.
The men who ask me about kids tend to be the ones who have illegitimate babies all over town, and are looking for their next baby’s mama. The married men don’t talk about their kids much unless I ask them.
I actually was asked in a job interview once whether or not I had kids/wanted to have kids and they were stunned (and not in a good way) when I told them no. Personally, I think that should be completely irrelevant about whether or not I’m qualified for a position. Grrr…
And yes, it was a woman asking…
“The men who ask me about kids tend to be the ones who have illegitimate babies all over town, and are looking for their next baby’s mama.”
LOL.. Hillari this just cracked me up… I am still laughing. I can guess what your response to those men is…and interesting that the married men don’t talk much about their kids.
Mel - Sheesh - I thought you interviewers aren’t allowed to ask those kind of questions anymore. If I was asked I’d have to ask what having kids had to do with my job. But then again, maybe they were wondering if you’d have to be rushing off to tend to sick kids…
RMS - yes. The best conversations are really those where kids don’t come up at all.. or if they do very briefly.
I guess I’m lucky, or I send out a “don’t talk kids to me” vibe.
People at school and work some how know not to ramble on about their kids to me. And if I ask, they know not to make it a big deal and tell me every detail. Could be that I’m always the youngest in the group and people think young adults don’t like talking about kids. Which makes me worry- when I hit mid 20s and up, is that reason for everyone I meet to blab about their children to me? I hope not. I fear getting older…not for the wrinkles and laugh lines, but the endless childrearing conversations soon to befall. 
Better get a “Hello, I don’t want to talk about your kids!” name tag or something.
It is indeed illegal to ask about children in a job interview. Same as marital status, religion and a lot of other things. I agree that I think it’s also a more female thing to ask about kids. Guys don’t as much.