Childfree? Don’t Brag About It
24 08 2007I was once told by someone that “It’s OK to be childfree, but if you are, it isn’t OK to brag about it. What about if there are women who want children and can’t have them?”
What?
It’s OK for parents to tell me about their parent status. And their kids. It’s OK for breeders to tell me how they are just itching to have two three four (or more kids). It’s apparently OK for both to enquire as to why I’m not adding to the world’s population and advise me on how to do so.
And of course it’s OK for people to talk endlessly about their kids, no matter what the setting.
But, according to this particular childed person it wasn’t OK for me to say I’m childfree, because others might be offended. In her book that’s called “bragging.” My response to this person was that if I wish to talk about the fact that I’m childfree I will. If they didn’t like it tough. As for people who couldn’t have children and wanted them, well, that was hardly my problem and I wasn’t about to make it so.
The fact is that the childed often do their best to ensure that the childfree person feel they are somehow abnormal. This, as we know is not only completely untrue, but is again a reflection of the bitterness, envy (yes, envy) and hostility often directed at childfree people, especially women. I am not aware of any of my childfree friends and acquaintances who “brag” about their childfree status. But even if we did, we’ve as much right to talk about what makes us happy as the childed have to talk about their children – and their parent status.
Let’s face it – in an overwhelmingly pro-natalistic world, our stories need to be told even more frequently.
Your thoughts?
Technorati Tags: childfree
If talking about being childfree is bragging in her mind then isn’t that what she aspires to but can never now achieve? It’s down to envy of the childfree-not concern for the childless. Otherwise parents talking about their children is heartless bragging to those childless people. Bragging about something the childless can’t have. And rarely does it stop at simply talking about their kids. Oh no. All to often that child -talk is bragging. About how wonderful their kids are (for using the toilet, for not getting a bad report at school etc etc- and bragging about how wonderful they are as parents. It’s all look at me-aren’t I the best because I could reproduce amini-me. Worship me you mere mortals” She’s the one who needs to STFU about her kids.
As soon as I read the first few sentences, I was thinking- isn’t it worse for the childless to hear about people’s kids over and over again, if we’re going to say that anything at all is insensitive? I just don’t understand why one group feels that they have a monopoly on announcing, explaining or discussing what makes them happy and yet want to muzzle other ones. Envy and insecurity for sure.
-AM
I agree with FedUp. The first thing I thought when I read this was “Wouldn’t those who are childless consider the parents to be bragging about their kids and ‘rubbing it in their face’ than the childfree”? In my opinion, I’m sure it’s the parents who consider the childfree bragging, not those who can’t have children for whatever reason. They just can’t stand the fact that we have chosen a different lifestyle than them and while they don’t want to hear about it, they try to make it sound like it is a different group that would be offended by it, not them. Just another way society tries to sweep the truth about parenthood under the rug.
It seems to me that for the childless, to hear from people who have chosen not to have kids is a good thing. You’d think it would help them realize that if they don’t want to go through fertility heroics that there is a rich full life ahead for them, sans kids. In fact, I have two now-CF friends who came to CF-ness by virtue of infertility and choosing not to endure heroics.
Methinks it’s the childed who don’t want to hear that we lead fulfilling lives.
I totally wanted to leave a comment but everyone else beat me to it with all the points I wanted to make! Damn, I’ll have to be faster off the mark. I totally agree will of the above, especially Lisa who mentioned the idea that hearing about life as a childfree person can give hope to those who are childless. I would think they would like to feel there could be joy and fun once they are able to make it through their pain. I would like my life to be an example of possibilities and the power of looking at things as opportunities (or maybe as a severe warning, but that’s the horror writer in me talking!).
It’s just another one of the typical double standards of breeders. It’s okay for them to do anything they want, but not okay for us to do what we want. We’re not allowed to talk about our reproductive status, but they are allowed to drone on endlessly about theirs. We’re not allowed to complain about bratty kids and parents in public, but they are allowed to bitch about dirty looks or comments people gave them about their bratty kids. We’re not allowed to have childfree spaces, but they are allowed to have parks, schools, etc. that are off limits to anyone without kids. We’re not allowed to “mooch off the system” by not producing future tax paying citizens, but they are allowed to mooch off the system by not working, taking welfare, WIC, food stamps, tax breaks, etc. HMPH.
Who can take breeders seriously when they are such raging hypocrites?
Lisa’s point is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I know this to be true because at certain points in my adult-hood I could have been considered “childless” (I never knew this vocabulary until recently). My husband is infertile and we’d have to go through expensive medical interventions to have our own bio children. We’ve both agonized over the decision for over 10 years, unsure of what to do. We probably would have had children if it could happen naturally, but we always have had very mixed feelings about how much we really wanted them.
It took some re-educating thanks to the CF community here on the web for me to “get in touch with my true feelings” (boy does that sound lame…but it’s true) and realize that wait! It’s okay! I don’t really want them that badly, so what’s the big deal with infertility then? What a shocker and a huge relief to realize that, and I am SO grateful to the CF for being out there with their CF-ness, so I could hear that perspective.
It is absolutely NOT bragging, and we all know very well what bragging is because we hear it so often from parents. Thanks for this great post!
That is absurd,some people are overly sensitive as far as I can see.If she were a person who strongly desired a child and had miscarriages or lost a child I could have more sympathy for what she is saying but she is childed.That is like an overweight person begrudging a person to celebrate weight loss.
If the childless are so profoundly damaged by conversation about childfree life, then why did RESOLVE, an extremely prominent organization dealing with childless/infertility issues, have this on their site?
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_chfr_maf
In addition, there are 224 other references which pop up when you type “childfree” into the RESOLVE site’s site-wide search engine.
What utter hogwash, parents…you just don’t ever want to be inconvenienced for one second (beyond the inconvenience your offspring cause you — but wait, that was your CHOICE, in this day and age). You also can’t stand being reminded that there are benefits to lifestyles other than yours…because so many of you are so wrapped up in the secular religion of parenthood.
Personally, I do brag that I am CF. I do it joyfully, happily, confidently. The coolest of cool is that my friends…most of whom have kids…applaud my decision. I have a wonderful group of non-judgemental friends…most of them bloggers…who say more power to you for knowing what you want and sticking to your guns.
You see, it is really very simple. I respect and admire them for being wonderful parents and they respect and admire me for my choices.
Yet another reason I love Denver
I agree with everyone else as well. It’s more disheartening for the childed to brag about their kids to those who can not have them.
It seems that NO ONE is allowed to have luck of any kind lately bc it will offend someone. I can’t brag about my vacations because someone who is poorer than me will be upset. Someone who lost a lot of weight should not brag because it might offend those who are struggling.
Enough! We tolerate your constant, AND I MEAN CONSTANT, bragging about your kids. Let those of us who have other interests/ambitions brag about those.
i only brag to the uber breeders, and the more they are uber the more i brag.. ;-).. a sort of weapon, for those who dont brag at all that they have kids.. i dont tell them apart from the first meeting..
the more they brag the more i brag ;-)..
I’m always bragging about being CF. I brag when I go out to restaurants with friends, when I wear midriff-bearing shirts and show no stretchmarks, when I’m out running around the city at 1 a.m. I’m bragging that I can do all these things and they can’t because they have brats to stay home with or look for some poor babysitter to tolerate them.
I cheerfully share my CF status w/anyone feeling it necessary to share their childed status w/me.
Jealous breeders. Hah!
Great comments all!
How ridiculous is it that we have to listen to parents bragging about their kids, yet we are supposed to keep the fact that we are childfree somehow quiet for fear of offending. This is not acceptable. The childed never seem to think we might not want to hear about their kids and we’re never asked, never given the choice. They simply assume we want to hear. I’m so glad - but not surprised really - to see that we’re proud to speak of our childfree status.
Let anyone who wants to be offended be offended. I believe the more we as childfree people speak about our lives being childfree, the more others will learn that there is an alternative to having kids and there is more to life than having kids. It is not second best - and it produces a happy and fulfilled life. I am glad I’m childfree and each day I am thankful for the opportunities I have because of it.
The point about infertile people is a very good one and one I didn’t think of at the time. I would think it would be far more hurtful for a an infertile person to hear a childed person going on and on about how their children or worse, encouraging them down the road of fertility treatment. Seeing it is possible to be happy without having had kids is valuable.
Thanks everyone for sharing… and welcome to new commentators - if you want to add your comment and haven’t - keep ‘em coming. There’s no more powerful way for other childfree people to feel supported than by reading the shared thoughts of like-minded people.
Elise - I checked out that link. Interesting to note that Resolve has this on their site. I think it’s a step in the right direction and it proves that infertile couples would probably benefit from hearing more about being childfree as an alternative choice. Thanks for the link.
“Nyah nyah!! I wasting my fertility, and you have none!!” could maybe be considered a hurtful form of childfree bragging, however I doubt anyone has ever said this to a childless person, so it’s a moot point, isn’t it? And would it be any worse than a childed person droning on and on about how wonderful and fufilled they are now that they have children? Doubtful.
Seriously, simply talking about being happily free from children isn’t bragging, it’s just a statement of fact.
re: Parents bragging to the infertile hurts more than the CF showing fulfilling lives without kids.
I had never thought of that! I’m glad I found this site. While I’ve not been told to not “brag” about being CF - I am now prepared should this lame-o “argument” be presented to me.
Just like Frieda above, I too went through infertility. When my dh and I went through 3 yrs of infertility we seeked out CF couples to be around. Couples who had kids talked about thier kids alllllll the freaking time and it ripped our hearts out. It was the last thing we wanted to hear. We also didn’t want to be around couples who hadn’t had kids ‘yet’. I say ‘yet’ because it never fails that when you are going through infertility one of two things happens. First, either you hear the happy pregnancy announcement, or you get to hear them go on and on about how they can’t wait to have kids. We are now HAPPILY CHILDFREE!! I sometimes wonder, “what was I thinking?” I believe that the CF can help infertile couples out there. They need to see that there is light on the other side of that wall that is in front of them. I also believe that CF couples out there that have been through infertility can be the most help to those couples because couples struggling through infertility look at CF couples and think that we don’t know what it is like to want a child. Which is not true for all the CF out there.
i say infertility is gods way of saying be childfree.. or whatever divinity you choose.
too many people want to play god, when god/nature/the flying spaghetti monster, tells you not too.. the extra stress, on ivf people is extreme, i known a few people obsessed with it, and after having the “miracle” child. the marriage dies.. it became more than love, or each other it become this child or nothing. and so people did drift apart.. so i think the infertile childless who become the childfree are the light bearers, so good on ya.. fiddle