Breeder Bingo… How Often Does It Happen?
23 09 2007Always on the lookout for interesting stories and stuff to share I happened upon this in a recent Childfree alert. After clicking the link I was partway into being annoyed at yet another parent blog on a childfree alert (I honestly don’t want to read parent blogs on a childfree alerts…) and then I decided to read the blog and came across this post.
http://pester.livejournal.com/126294.html
The question was “how often does breeder bingo happen?” There were some interesting responses in the thread and this was one of the answers, which I am quoting from the post responses.
The comment below was posted by boobalah on their live journal blog. I couldn’t be bothered to sign up for a LJ account, so I’m going to comment here. I posted the response as the link, when I checked it was no longer working. It may be working now. So here goes with the quoted text, credited to its author.
“I would assume that part of it depends on where one lives. I run in fairly liberal circles, where women having few or no children and marrying later is more normal and acceptable than it might be in, say, the Bible-belt in the south. My family is also rather liberal and laid-back, so they don’t really bother themselves with my reproductive choices.
OK, so far so good. I was nodding in agreement. And then Boobalah says:
“I also think a lot of it depends on the CF-er themselves. I like children and am comfortable around them. I think some CF-ers make their disgust for/dislike of children widely known, which is hardly the way to win friends among their parents. Some CF-ers also don’t seem to know the meaning of discretion. If you loudly parrot about the fact that you don’t want children to everyone, you’re more likely to run into the people who will take umbrage with that. And if CF-ers are arrogant and act condescending toward people who are parents, then they should expect to be treated the same way in return, I think.
It just seems like some internet cf-ers make the lack of desire in having children a defining characteristic of who they are. I mean, sure, I’m CF, but I’d much rather talk about something more interesting, because I do more in my day than just sitting around not wanting kids.
I know the poster is childfree. And it t began so well. But as of the second paragraph I felt it went downhill rapidly and needed some balance. Here’s my view.
Firstly, I’m not sure that the childfree necessarily want to win friends among parents. I think parents need to be able to win friends among the childfree. That might help them dispel some of the assumptions parents in general have about childfree people that lead to the childfree bingoes. What doesn’t seem to be understood is that bingoes are trotted out by parents (and wanna-be parents) ever before they know that a childfree person actually likes kids or not. The bingoes start coming out as soon as the person throwing the bingoes discovers that the other woman does not want to have kids.
About parroting the fact that you don’t want children to everyone – It is OK for the childed to announce their kids, number, how they had them ad nauseum. So WHY isn’t it OK for childfree people to express their complete lack of desire to have kids? Why is parroting? Isn’t this rather a double standard? Particularly when we know there are many who have never even met a childfree person. I am sure that many childed people would rather not hear that there are women that don’t want kids and are quite happy with their lives and their decision. But why should childfree people not talk about the fact they don’t want children?
To “Some CFers don’t know the meaning of discretion…” What does this mean? Does it mean we should keep quiet about the fact we don’t want kids when we’re in kid-friendly/parent friendly company? While we listen to parents tell us (even on our childfree blogs, mind) how they want two three or more kids? Should the parents also be discrete or is it only childfree folk that need to observe discretion?
For the record, I find it is breeders/parents who make childfree a defining factor of who they are rather than the childfree. Isn’t being childfree partly a declaration that reproduction (or lack thereof) doesn’t have to define who we are as women? I find that off-line, I never know when a person is CF, but I sure as heck know when someone has kids as they lose no time in telling me. I haven’t yet met a childfree person who makes being childfree a defining characteristic of who they are. And I am pretty sure they have more in their lives than being childfree, don’t “sit around not wanting kids..”
On the Internet, in forums and on blogs childfree men and women do talk more about what the childfree life means to them and the constant pro-natal pressure they get to change their minds and breed.The Internet is probably the only place where childfree people can really share and let of steam about being childfree. Isn’t that what the forums are for? And is this what Booblah means by “making it a defining factor of who they are?”
Given the misinformation there is about being childfree, (the media and the similar still stubbornly call us “childless” rather than childfree) it’s more important than ever that we hear more about the option of being childfree, not less of it. When I think of the number of people who have said “I wish I’d come across this blog earlier…” or “I hadn’t heard the term childfree before” it tells me that there’s room for more childfree talking, sharing and stating and defining if need be.
It should not be taken for granted because there are some who still don’t know that there is any choice other than that of having kids. There are men who think that not wanting kids is bad and have them anyway only to find that they should have listened to their inner guidance not the chorus of breeder bingoes. But they had no one to talk about why it’s OK not to want or like kids and so they followed the crowd. With disastrous results. There are women who still feel they aren’t women if they don’t have kids, or that they must have a maternal instinct… somewhere. Bingo!
Parents are allowed to parrot the fact that their kids are their world, they want to have a brood, they love kids, how many kids are we going to have, they want four, they want girls, they want boys, kids have changed their lives, how worth it it is, what a mistake we’re making and we’ll soon change our minds.. blah, blah blah and yet childfree folk are somehow supposed to keep their story under wraps??
I am not saying that some childfree people aren’t condescending to some childed. But here’s some news… many childed are arrogant and condescending to childfree people as soon as they hear the words “I don’t want to have children.” They start with the intrusive questioning. I don’t know of childfree people who question people’s decisions to breed in quite the same way as we are questioned on our lack of desire to have kids.
When someone mentions that he or she does not wish to have children, if he or she happens to be unlucky, that person is treated to a number of ignorant over-repeated responses from outraged and defensive people who do not, cannot, or will not understand something that is really simple. The person does not want kids. Get over it.
I don’t go around “announcing” I’m childfree. But I do write a childfree blog. Does this mean I sit around not wanting kids? Does it mean commentators sit around not wanting kids? I will say I’m childfree if and when I feel it is appropriate. Yet I have to put up with everyone assuming that in a bunch of women all are parents, because it seems to be OK for the childed to announce how much they love children and to bingo childfree men and women with stupid responses. Bingoes are the product of ignorant (usually childed) people – and are not dependent on the childfree person, regardless of whether or not they like kids.
Comments? Do you think being “bingoed” depends on the Childfree person?
Here’s the link to the Breeder bingo (should you need to be reminded, which I’m sure you don’t).
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree
Depends on the CF person and their friends, I think. I’ve met people who when they find out I am married, ask about kids. I tell them that we’ve decided no and some ask why, others say “Oh good for you!”
I have had a few of my friends try to convince me the other way. One conversation got particularly heated and I finally had to change the subject.
I would not say I have been bingoed often, but I am questioned. That said, I am not one to back down from my beliefs and if pushed, I will fight back and question THEM about their breeding choices.
And pester on Livejournal is a pain in the arse in so many communities. I have an account and oh man, she’s done some doosy comments.
You’re right. Being childfree is NOT the main defining characteristic in my life, nor is it something I even mention to people. But because every time I meet someone with kids, they have to mention their children (the main defining characteristic in *their* lives) and ask about mine, my childfree status comes up. If they don’t like hearing about my being childfree, they shouldn’t be asking me.
Childfreedom is NOT my main topic of conversation. Even the childfree boards I seek out, I seek out the ones that talk about more than just being childfree because I don’t want to talk about being childfree all day. I have a childfree website and I get mail from breeders saying, “What’s wrong with you that you spend all day obsessing about other people’s children?!” but that’s ridiculous. I don’t spend that much time on my site at all. In fact, childfree people complain I don’t update often enough! LOL They are lucky if I post a new update once every two weeks. I spend far, far less time obsessing about my childfreedom than childed people spend patting themselves on the back for having kids.
Boobalah sounds like a classic breeder pleaser, so I wouldn’t take her seriously. On one hand, I don’t think people should be *rude* to parents, but I don’t think we should be ashamed of not liking kids (if that’s the case) or that we don’t want to have kids. We shouldn’t have to hide in the closet lest we make some parent feel uncomfortable! (In fact, they should be GLAD we don’t like kids, since they are afraid everyone wants to molest their kids and they won’t have to worry about us since we want nothing to do with their kids!)
Saying, “I’m not a kid person,” is acceptable. Saying, “I fucking hate little crotch droppings,” is rude and I don’t think anyone should do that. I still think there is FAR more rudeness on the side of parents than there is on the childfree side.
I also think that boobalah must not get out much or she’d know that we DO get bingos, even when polite. The reason a childfree movement popped up is that we’ve been getting crap from people with kids from the very beginning, before we ever even *considered* being rude to people.
There are plenty of times when all I mentioned was that I don’t have kids and I’ve had people give me shit. This happened several years ago:
Some gal at a company picnic I’d just met: So how many kids do you have?
Me: I don’t have any kids.
Her: Oh. (turned and walked away without another word to me, then whispered something to her friend and they both give me an unfriendly look).
WTF?! ALL I said was, “I don’t have kids.” I didn’t even have a chance to say anything offensive (not that I would have).
When I was a teenager I decided I didn’t want kids. But people would always say stupid stuff to me about, “When you grow up and have kids,” and it would annoy me. Not only because at 15 they shouldn’t be encouraging me to hurry up and have kids, but also because that’s ridiculous to assume every girl’s life goal is to be nothing more than a mommy. So back then I’d say, “Oh, I’m not having kids when I grow up,” and it never occurred to me that I shouldn’t say something like that. So even at age 15 I was getting a lot of crap about, “Oh, you’re just a silly little girl. You’ll grow up some day and want babies!” I was offended that they’d essentially say, “Not wanting kids = immature” even back then. I never once said to anyone, “I fucking hate kids!” but they were rude to me, regardless.
I’m generally a polite person, and I don’t like to be rude. I’ll only be rude if someone is rude to me first. Yet, I’ve gotten lots of bingos in my life despite being polite. Anyone who thinks that we’re only bingoed when we “deserve” it is just being an ass.
i too visit other sites, other blogs, i spend time online, talking to friends, and i dont have to say anything, they dont say stuff about their kids..
if they ask, i give them the information, i spend most of my time reading, writing short stories, poems, i rant about other stuff (to get it out of my brain to stop my head exploding), but i post a lot, because i like talking online. i like the ability to discuss deep and funny topics.
i have 2 cousins, that are the best, they are 8 and 10, they are charming and sweet, the best. i am all for everyone to have a choice on how to live their life. anything that denies anyone choice to have kids, not have kids, smoke or not smoke.. i am against.
on this board i gave a couple of people who thought they wanted kids, a perspective they wouldnt have have otherwise. thats why its important that boards like this exist.
if i can make some parents think about the future apart from the i must breed, then my ranting is well worth it.
The whole thing about having to defend your decision to be CF, when apparently it’s OK for every bankrupt, bratty teenager and drug addict to breed, really annoys the snot out of me. I agree with Tanya. If someone asks, I tell them. If they don’t get it, and keep pushing my buttons, then they get told. And if people don’t like it -well, you should have backed off. You judge my decisions and I’ll judge yours back.
Why do people find it impossible to live and let live on this?
@Phoena - Thanks for this… You’ve said a lot of what I was thinking (but which would have made my post too long if I’d included it). I was surprised at a childfree person say that cf people (or internet cf people) make being cf “the defining characteristic of their lives” and “sit around not wanting kids..” What rot. Of course it’s just the kid of thing the breeders want to hear. But what was worse was the implication that breeder bingoes depend on the childfree person! I think it shows a clear lack of understanding of exactly what being bingoed means as well as how frequently it occurs. The most stupid being “You’ll change your mind.” Nope, Breeder bingoes are wholly the fault of the ignorance of childed people who find it impossible to believe that anyone could be happy without having children and feel it’s their “right” to find out why.
@mercurior - it’s well worth it. And I don’t feel we should need to justify anything we do.
@Tanya… I would say friends - real ones would not bingo a Childfree person. Bingoes are thrown by strangers - which is part of the reason they are so annoying and childfree folk get them as soon as it’s gleaned that kids aren’t in the picture by choice. Note that anyone trying to have a kid isn’t usually a recipient of a bingo… they usually get sympathy.
@Kat - beggars belief doesn’t it? Someone can be a total skank.. but as long as they’re popping out babies it doesn’t matter and it’s not questioned. But be childfree and you’ll be on the end of nosy bingoes.
Clearly there is more work for the childfree to do on the internet… and none of it apologist.
Sometimes being proudly childfree makes me feel like a gay man in Iraq. So far buried in the deepest closet you could ever imagine with no hope of ever seeing the light of day! It seems that if I do bring up any positive aspect of being CF, or that I share what I think there are merits in being CF I am brought up on the stand and read the riot act. Many say I am selfish, jealous, or heartless. If I try to defend myself they feel that it reinforces their stand. I have so many other friends who went through so many fertility treatments to have their kids that that is all they can talk about. One of them goes as far as sending youtube videos of her kid farting, burping, or nursing. We heard all about the first poop, how much the kid eats, how much comes back up. Puhleeze!!! These are the people that should be censored!
“pester” certainly is an appropriate name for the original blogger on livejournal - if I were to go by this one post. And as far as Boobalah is concerned, “breeder pleaser,” IMO.
I have been bingoed my whole life. I sign posts on this blog as “CFSinceSix” because I’ve known since I was 6 years old (and, I suspect, earlier, I just have no memories younger than 6) that I did not want children. From my own mother I’d get put downs such as, “You’re stupid,” “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” “You just need to grow up.” That last one I’d get from her and strangers while I was a young adult in my twenties.
Only once (and I remember this, I was around 6 years old) did I profer on my own I did not want children. Much to the immediate admonishment of my mom and her siblings (my own aunts and uncles.) I “learned my lesson” then - NEVER EVER tell anyone you don’t want children. Or atleast, don’t offer it up. So I never did. The only time I’d make a comment was when I was asked. So I told the truth. And guess what? BINGO! Now don’t anyone DARE tell me that me being “bingoed” was due to me. That is such a crock of … (self censoring here.)
I’ve been dating my partner for 3 years now. He does not wish to marry. In a way, us not being married has sort of shielded us from “When are you guys going to have children?” questions. And oddly enough, we haven’t gotten the “When are you guys going to make it serious?” question. Which is a good thing, because what we have is QUITE serious and I have a thing or two to say about that.
So far, the only comment I’ve noticed was a recent one and I posted about it in a response here on Britgirl’s blog. We did have someone say, “Better start having kids soon so your parents can still babysit!” (This was said to my boyfriend. I won’t even go into all of the implications of that comment alone.)
At anyrate, I have not done anything to draw ire of the childed towards me not wanting or having children. It is when asked and when I tell the truth that I start getting shutdown with “bingo” comments as listed in the link Britgirl provided.
I have a few responses, sometimes one of which is changing the subject or ignoring the statement. But if I’m ever told I’ll regret my decision I respond with, “So will you!” Sometimes they think I’m kidding. Those who know I’m serious get quiet and change the subject.
BTW, I don’t sit around all day thinking about how I don’t want kids. If that were the case, I’d never get my work done.
(I’m a computer programmer - there are other things I need to think about.) But there are times where I am grateful I do not have children - and it is when I am around them and they act up. But other than that, to me, being childfree (I don’t even like that term, why does everything have to be defined in terms of “child”?) means not even *thinking* about kids. They’re so far off my radar that they don’t even exist in my world - until one decides to go running up and down shrieking like some posessed demon from the 9th realm of hell. Ok, so I kid, but you guys get the picture. 
Shannon, don’t try to defend yourself. You have nothing to defend. You’re not on trial for any criminal activity, even though there are those childed who would like for you to feel that way. I’ve heard a few stories from coworkers that I agree with you, THEY are the one who should be censored - or atleast their nasty-ass stories about being a parent.
Kat, I have many cousins who were one of those “bankrupt, bratty teenager and drug addict” who had kids. I know what you mean.
I don’t understand how people can be so mean. I had one lady ask if I was going to have kids with my partner. We have been together for six years. He has his own kid. (I can hardly stand it). But none the less I am nice to the kid, and I smile.
But Lord knows that when I walk through the door after a long hard day at work and the first thing that anyone says to me is “I need help with this, and I want that.” I am so thankful that he goes away to his moms all the time. For the most part I never see him, which is nice.
Anyway why the heck would I want to make more of that. I am so happy to be childfree and that I can do what I want when I want. Not have to worry about a babysitter, or eat dinner at midnight just for the heck of it.
When I tell people that I have made the choice not to have kids, they gasp. One lady even said that I should breed just because Im a natural red head and I should keep the gene going. What?!! I didn’t even know how to respond to that.
I am so happy that I found this site so I can share my frustrations with people who understand my choice and my point of view.
i stumbled across your site looking for fifa world cup info. i got my first rugrat on the way, and i can’t wait. but i gotta say, i fully support the childfree perspective. i don’t understand how living childfree could be construed as selfish with over population running rampant. i’m sure you guys have heard it all before, i just wanted to say, there is at least one parent in the world who commends you for being true to yourselves. i’d never heard of CF before. oh, and canada rocks. later people.