Corinne Maier Does Have A Message For Childfree Women
4 10 2007Not that Doug Saunders writing in the Globe and Mail did a particularly good job at making that clear. While he did get over 270 comments with his post – most of whom were roundly critical of Ms Maier – he didn’t really provide a view…. it seems he used three pages to regurgitate her book.
And typically he used the term childless to refer to childfree women.
The comments on his post prove Ms Maier’s point roundly. Particularly the poster who said that “a person who decides not to have children is selfish and should “keep their legs crossed and grow up.”
I rather think that term applies to a (brainwashed) person who continues to breed and not a childfree person.
I think Ms Maier touched more than one nerve because you could sense the defensiveness on the board. Maybe, just maybe they know deep down she has more than a point and has hit a collective nerve.
I talked about Corinne Maier in my post here…
Enfants Terribles - Would parents lives be better without children?
What a difference a childfree view makes!
I saw a woman who, even though she is a parent, was bold enough to speak out and admit that parenthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, that most of it is unnaturally hyped and people buy into it and don’t admit they’ve been conned. Corinne Maier even (gosh!) admitted she regretted having children. And that France should be doing something better than paying people to have kids and be identified by how fertile they are.
I also heard Corinne saying to those “childless women” (as Doug Saunders blithely calls us) that you don’t have to have kids to have a meaningful existence. A woman’s life has meaning regardless of whether she has kids or not. Something we childfree people already know.
I thought Corinne Maier was very honest. Yet most of the posters on Saunders site appeared to miss this, going lemming-like to criticise her for saying what she does in her book. Almost to a voice the over sentiment was – “Well, why did she have them then?” Could it possibly be that she was deluded?
“I thought it would be easier. I didn’t realize how tough it would be - the organization required, the time you have to spend with them for maybe 20 years. It was the idea of feeling trapped, trapped in something that you are unable to end, it will last you 15 or 20 years and you cannot escape. It is not like a job, which you can change. Or a country.”
And do you see the some familiar bingos here?
“Generally speaking, people who have children have them for the wrong reasons,” she says. “They have them because they’re afraid of being alone, and they want to grasp a tiny bit of immortality. And anyway, we never get that immortality. You are doing something that is very foolish for society just because you have believed something that is not true.”
Doug Saunders ends on this note:
“There is an awkward question that looms over this, though: If she feels so strongly that motherhood is a mistake, is she willing to tell her children that they themselves were mistakes?”
I think she would tell her children she regretted having them. But I think he is missing the point because Corinne Maier never said they were mistakes. What she was in fact saying is that once she had her kids, many of the delusions of motherhood she’d bought into, delusions that most of the commentators have been brainwashed into believing – fell away.
The world is still a very long way from being childfree-friendly.
Technorati Tags: childfree, childfree, childfree
This is the crux of the matter:
“There is an awkward question that looms over this, though: If she feels so strongly that motherhood is a mistake, is she willing to tell her children that they themselves were mistakes?”
Most parents are probably miserable. But they are loathe to admit they might have made a mistake because if they do, someone might someday tell their children. Hell, most of their kids ARE mistakes.
Oh boo hoo! Kids will get over it. They are not as fragile as parents today want you to think they are!
I think this is a really great point:
What she was in fact saying is that once she had her kids, many of the delusions of motherhood she’d bought into, delusions that most of the commentators have been brainwashed into believing – fell away.
With the deification of parenthood, the shock of reality must be distressing and yet people can’t admit it isn’t what they expected. To admit that having kids isn’t just continuous Kodak moments, to admit to missing peace and quiet, is treated as treason. It’s no surprise to me that Maier has provoked such a strong backlash. I always find that people scream the loudest when they’re protesting the truth.
My mother did say she thought that having children was probably a mistake. She also made sure she pointed out that the fact she felt she should not have had children had nothing to do with us as individuals. She thinks we turned out pretty good considering…
She had my brother when she was nineteen and married because of it. My parents are still happily married today, but that is not always the case. She always worked full time, and so did my father. They took turns having to watch us when we were little. We were pretty much on our own after I turned 6 and my brother turned 8. We were the latch key kids. We came home from school, got our own snack and then went out to play, did our chores, and homework until someone got home at usually six or seven. We would also get ourselves up and off to school. She just wanted her freedom, and liked her work and was honest about the fact that she didn’t want to give up her entire life for us. She was a great role model and I always felt loved and could go to her any time.
Admitting that you could have been so much more, or life would have been easier if you didn’t have kids doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you honest.
I don’t know if most parents are miserable, but I do think society doesn’t prepare women and men realistically for marriage or parenthood. We get the romantic ideals about both living with another person, and having kids, and the reality of it is much more mundane and hard work a lot of the time. I think the parents who are miserable, and they certainly exist, probably have control issues too, and should back off from micro-managing their kids. It is possible to have kids and still enjoy yourselves, and I’ve seen families who manage this in a balanced way.
My mother regretted both her marriage and having her children, but was in a time where women had fewer options and was probably pushed into it by outside pressures to conform. She left us to our own devices a lot of the time, and we now joke that we raised ourselves. I think, to our credit, we ended up as determined, resilient, and self-reliant adults and that these strengths have served all three of us well. As a bonus, we’re also incredibly close-knit as siblings.
I have a feeling she’d have chosen a different life if she were young now, and I do remember her saying she wanted nothing to do with grandkids and that we shouldn’t expect her to babysit them ever. That spoke volumes about how she felt about her past choices, and we never really took it personally once we understood that it wasn’t us per se. I do think children can eventually come to understand the difference between a situation being a mistake and not them as people.
I am shocked that the article caused such a fuss. I remember reading it and thinking it was rather benign, actually.
@Phoena and Anne-Marie - I think Doug was deliberately misunderstanding Maiers point - and trying to encourage the reaction from kid and parent centred readers. Either that or he isn’t very bright and doesn’t understand the difference between ” I made a mistake having kids” and “you are a mistake.” To me, there’s a world of difference. And like Anne-Marie says, I’m sure her children wouldn’t take it personally. As you say, they’ll get over it. Myself, I shuddered at the thought of a 13 year-old screaming and acting up at a museum… urrgh!.
@Shannon - another example of children not taking it personally and taking it for what it is. It would be so good if more mothers were as honest as yours and Anne-Marie’s.
RMS - It’s rather like a conspiracy. Aided and abetted by society marketing motherhood to the hilt and at every opportunity. The women who are honest are shouted down and derided by those who want to keep the myth intact. What a shame, because it means a great number of men and women don’t then get support and even more women are sold the “Kodak moment all the time” nonsense. I hope to see more gutsy books like Corinne’s. And I hope people remember her book isn’t directed at mothers… it’s actually directed at people who haven’t had kids (but might be thinking of doing so).
@All - how come people who have kids aren’t allowed to admit any regret or that they made a mistake… and yet childfree people are told all the time by the childed that they’ll regret not having kids?
@RMS
I admire Corine Maier for having the fortitude and courage to dispel the kidcentric rubbish women (and to a lesser extent men) are subjected to. As an organization we hear about the trauma women deal with having children and raising them. It is not a kind world for mothers. It is a wonderful idea for a good mother (and Corinne Maier is a good mother who loves her children and wants the best for them) to state honestly the negative aspects of motherhood. There are a lot of reasons women have children and much of it is societal coercion. I look forward to an English version of No Kid: 40 reasons not to have children.
Penny, I look forward to an English version too. I applaud Corinne Maier. I’ll bet many publishers refused to publish her book - I think it should be essential reading, because we never hear anything except that ” having kids is wonderful, all fulfiling and the culmination of a woman’s aspirations. And that’s before the kid-centric rubbish.
Actually, the only people I see who should not have had children are the parents of Corinne Maier’s. Like a garden, children require time, effort and hard work. But the rewards are so wonderful for those of use who are lucky enough to have enjoyed this interesting journey called parenthood. Would Corinne Maier look outside and say to her self, “I will wave my magic wand and with little effort have amazing flowers and fruit this summer”. Doubtful. As for her children not taking the book seriously, who are you kidding. Of course they will be hurt by this, what child would not. But, I guess that is not as important as Ms. Maier lining her pockets with coin, at least not to Ms. Maier. Oh, and if you wonder if I speak from experience, my children never cease to amaze me. They have all turned out to be adults of whom I am so foolishly proud and even better, really excellent parents themselves. No, parenthood is not for everyone. But, if you are a parent, just get on with doing the best job you can and that job does not include writing books that will cause the children you willing gave birth to pain.
mary, if you had read the article or the book, she says that thing, kids may not be for everyone.
can you really argue that “Generally speaking, people who have children have them for the wrong reasons,” she says. “They have them because they’re afraid of being alone, and they want to grasp a tiny bit of immortality. And anyway, we never get that immortality. You are doing something that is very foolish for society just because you have believed something that is not true.”” as on this board very recently. she couldnt live without having another child.
are you saying that if someone has a beleif that some people shouldnt be parents, but have them anyway, they shouldnt talk about the possible difficulties having them brings. so what if she wrote a book, would it hurt her kids maybe or maybe not, because by they are able to read them they will have been given the knowledge of a choice.
Mary M “Actually, the only people I see who should not have had children are the parents of Corinne Maier’s.”
Really? Then you must indeed have your eyes tightly closed most of the time as there are plenty of examples of parents who by their actions show they had no business having children. Sadly, they probably believed the nonsense that was force-fed to them that having children was the best reward they could ever hopw for and that it was all “worth it” and a “wonderful journey”. For examples I can point you in the direction of a depressing blog called parents behaving badly.
Perhaps if they’d had access to Corrine Maiers book earlier they would have discovered the truth - that behind the hype and rose tinted glasses parenting is much less than it’s cracked up to be. One can only hope there will be more books like hers that will blow the myths out of the water.
As for Corrine’s book causing her children pain… I’m sure they’re made of sterner stuff - and there’s at least half a chance that they’ll actually think carefully before deciding if they want to go down the parenting route.
Mary M. said:
Yeah,
go tell that to the dimwit moms…I hate moms more than kids…