Like It Is

If you read my last post, you’ll be well aware of the conversation about the term Childfree. The meaning of the term is not in question, and what it describes (a person who has chosen not to have children) isn’t in question either. And the conversation on that thread isn’t over by any means, so if you have a comment, add it to the very thought-provoking ones on that thread.

From the comments so far, most of us are happy with the term “childfree”, feeling it correctly and accurately describes their choice and decision to be childfree. Some of us though, while childfree will do, it’s almost as if because there isn’t another term to describe us, it’ll have to do. We use the term childfree reluctantly, if at all, and would love another term that was more positive.

One of the points that really struck me though is this one. It’s the fact that “childfree” puts the focus on what we are not. Not a big deal, you might say, except when you consider that it takes its entire reference from from the word “child” – the default state – in a way few other terms do when they describe. I guess the question I can’t get away from is… if people have chosen not to have children, then why refer to children in how we refer to them? (and by them I mean ourselves). Even people who do have children are called… parents.

This isn’t about “them (i.e. parents) calling us” childfree. It’s about what we childfree call ourselves. It isn’t so much about labels either, as we accept we live in a world where labels are inevitable. Whenever people with children indicated that they “did not like the term childfree”, I was (and still am) ever ready to defend it. Because most of the time they would prefer the word “childless” which is not an accurate description of us. And because it isn’t up to parents what we decide to call ourselves. There is also the little problem of people thinking that “childfree” means children are bad or unwelcome – leaving us to qualify what we mean when we use the term.

A little bit of history. The term “childfree” was used in a July 3, 1972 Time article on the creation of the National Organization for Non-Parents It was revived in the 1990s when Leslie Lafayette formed a later childfree group, the Childfree Network. It was used primarily to contrast with the term “childless”, which implied some kind of lack. People who are childfree did not feel they lacked anything and felt their lives were no less complete simply because they didn’t have kids. I think that has been more than proved today, although we still have a job getting it through the heads of some. And by the way, the term “non-parents” is just as unsatisfactory as again the focus is on “non-default”.

But what about now? Why is it so hard to come up with an alternative term to that of childfree? Even if we’re happy with the term, some of us would prefer an alternative. For myself, I rarely, in conversation, introduce myself as childfree. Not because of this current conversation, but because there’s never been a need. I say “I don’t have children, it was our choice and I don’t want to have children, never wanted them, and yes I did make the choice. As someone said, perhaps the way it’s said gets the message over, but it usually stops that particular conversation road dead.

It’s different of course when I’m blogging, or when I’m interacting on blogs or websites where I will say I am childfree.

M, (and others) when commenting put it very succinctly, when saying “I don’t like to define myself by what I am not… I like to define myself by what I am.”

And this:

“In most cases, we don’t refer to ourselves by what we are not. That we do so in this case, simply perpetuates the notion that being childed is the normal or default position and we are in some way unusual or remarkable for not being childed and thus need a label that defines us by whether or not we have or will have children.

I don’t think that the term childfree is going away anytime soon. But I also disagree with the fact that if we don’t use childfree we’ll have to settle with “childless.” Why can’t we find a positive term that focuses on what we are/are doing?

I don’t even think the name has to necessarily be strictly drawn from the actual meaning. It may not even exist as yet.

For example (and I know these examples aren’t great, aren’t great but you get my drift). We have to think outside the paradigm, as m said.

Women Without Borders…Choicers…Choosers…Deliberators… Free Thinkers…EP’s - (Exceptional People)… even Smartys! (having made the smart choice. When I say I don’t have kids, the number of parents that say, smart choice, or smart women is quite revealing). And hey, given the fact that we love to make everything an acronym, you can abbreviate every one of these quite nicely. And, while almost everyone might say “so what is a Chooser or a Smarty or an EP” – what better answer than to say, it’s person who’s chosen not to have kids?

My point is there must be tons of positive words that can capture the sense of what we ARE, with NO reference to children. Let’s have some ideas.

I’m hoping that Ashley isn’t right, and that we haven’t simply settled because we’re too lazy to think past our current “given” name. If there is going to be an alternative name to childfree though, it’s childfree people who will have to come up with it. I’ll leave you with this thought.

It wasn’t that many years ago that African Americans used to be referred to as “Negros”. In England Black people were called “coloured people.” That would not be tolerated today (except in the few remaining bigoted spots). My point is: names and terms can be changed if they fail to reflect the reality of those who are called by the name or term.

Over to you. More thoughts? Name suggestions?

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