It’s going to take a long time for the childfree lifestyle to be accepted and embraced but hopefully with more women and men like us out there blogging and spreading the word, our lifestyle will not inspire speechlessness, but rather interest and acceptance.

Maybe if we all bother them they’ll cave!

Feh. – Hmm – nice little stock reply. Also very weak. Every single idea and belief?? Don’t think we’re either of those, frankly.

And, if I recall that’s the excuse – sorry reason – they gave to Teri when she first asked. If all women are welcome on BlogHer then why don’t we have a category for Childfree women? We’re not asking to know the family status of their contributing editors and members. We’re not asking for more than anyone else. We are simply asking to be appropriately represented.
It will very interesting to see whether, with this campaign, they actually listen to us.

“BlogHer.com is proud to include the voices of women from all walks of
life and with all types of interests and beliefs as both contributing
editors and members. Unfortunately it is impossible to include a
Topic for every single idea or belief espoused by our membership, the
list would be so long that it would not be useful to the majority of
members. Instead, we have chosen to use very broad topics and leave
it up to the voices of the women themselves to direct the content
created and provided on BlogHer.

We do have members and editors who are atheists just as we have
members and editors who are Buddhist, Christian, Jewish and Pagan. We
have members and contributing editors who are childfree (or childless,
depending on your preference) by choice just as we have contributing
editors and members who are moms of large families, moms of small
families, adoptive moms and moms struggling with infertility.

All women are welcome on BlogHer.

Denise
BlogHer Community Manager”

I’ve been wondering lately what direction I should take Purple Women & Friends. What could it be if I were to think outside the box a little? Should we have our own blogroll…something bigger?

“I am not a member of BlogHer, yet. While I do enjoy that you have put member blogs into categories, making it much easier to seek out blogs that match my interests, I can not help but to notice there are no categories for atheists or the child-free. What is your reasoning behind this? I have a hard time believing that BlogHer would seriously think that there are no women who are atheist and/or child-free. I am a woman who is both, and know many other women in the same situation.”

I wonder if I’ll get a response.

In the last 2 days, I’ve come across two completely separate articles about two famous women who re childfree, One is Helen Mirren, and the article was about how dead sexy she is at 62- they mentioned how she has intentionally bucked trends, including being firm about not wanting children. The second was about the writer Alice Sebold, who also made a point of highlighting her childfree status.

To quote Bob, the times they are changing…

Mel – I would have thought that a site that claims to represent women bloggers should actively welcome childfree bloggers, it surely adds to the variety of women.

And what would you bet that as well as wanting her daughter to be married (to not be alone when she travels) there will be grandchildren expected?

Yep. It’s taken a lot of navel gazing on my part to realize what the ultimate goal my mom had for me. So this is why I can recognize the talk as part of the real underlying attitude of parents towards their children. My mom would say that once I graduated from college and got a “good paying job”, then I could find a “good catholic boy,” buy a house and start having kids. She’d say things like no one could tell me what to do and I could do whatever I wanted (Of course, as long as it was within what SHE wanted me to do) and then… I could find a “good catholic boy” and buy a house and start having kids. Oi. Repeat ad naseum.

A coworker has two daughters. She was telling me about this “cool idea” someone told her (around the time she got married) about preserving the flowers from her wedding so that she could make a bouquet for when *her* daughter got married. There are too many levels to that.

1) The assumption that just because said coworker was getting married she’d also have kids.
2) That even if coworker wanted kids, she’d even want a girl.
3) And EVEN IF she not only had a girl, there’s the assumption that the girl would want to get married.

All this because coworker was getting married. The attitudes and stories start long before a person is even born. Long before a person’s great ancestors were even born it all starts.

I wrote a fairly long comment, but think it got lost somewhere in the ether of the Internet and did not get posted. Way too tired to try to duplicate it now but just wanted to say I think this is a wonderful post and you are right on with this topic.

In my comment I’d suggested that doing things like writing about certain relevant topics on our blogs (even if they are not childfree blogs per se), starting dialogs online and in the media, advocating more vocally for equal rights in the workplace, bringing attention to sites and organizations that show a bias against our demographic and trying to reach a better understanding with those groups, etc. are all examples of possible options for action.

What I think is important is doing something. In my opinion, not much will be gained by simply sitting and waiting and hoping for change. Most groups who have succeeded in bringing about societal change for themselves haven’t had change simply fall in their laps for them but have gone out there and worked for their rights or to get others to understand them better, etc.

I’m happy to do what I can/have time for that fits in with my beliefs and values and goals to help make our invisible and/or misunderstood demographic more visible (in a good way), and I bet many others are too. Sites like yours and Teri’s are great for discussing these issues and for mobilizing people, and I’m sure many people like me exist as well who are happy to be more active and vocal, even if we don’t have sites devoted to being childfree. Thanks for addressing this issue,I think it’s really important.

M

First of all Blogher. I think there should be a childfree category on BlogHer. I believe we are growing numbers – and Kat – I was nearly hopping up and down with happiness reading your response:
“I’m going to sit back and watch this movement gather steam. I think our time is coming … ten years ago it was gay couples, and ten years from now the marketers are going to be all over the CF. Just watch.” YES!!

As far as BlogHer is concerned, my experience was similar to brightfeather and Emma. I participated for a few months, but was often taken aback by some of the vitriol of postings there. Now, these were not towards childfree blogs (as there weren’t any), but in general. It seemed someone always had an axe to grind, or something. And yes, VERY politically motivated. On the other side were the “mommy bloggers.” It’s very interesting that some of us rethought the usefulness of women-only blog sites. I did a post about this about a year ago – before I joined Blogher. I’ll find it and re-publish it later on this week… it will be interesting whether my questions are still relevant.

Emma – interesting. I’d have been surprised if the candidate had accepted.

Addy – I think if we do keep pushing things might change. In fact, I know that some bloggers are pushing for it. Will Blogher have a CF category? Who knows – 20% is more than enough for them to be all over us already.

The thing is, by that time, all the childfree women might have left BlogHer, either disapppointed, find better things to do, or just feeling that the women-only blog thing isn’t for them.

CFsince6 – You’ve said so many thought-provoking things in your post . I can think of other examples, sadly, where women are unsupportive of other women, while still saying they want equality.
Working mother vs SAHM. Battle. The mommies vs the childfree. Bigger battle.
It’s rather sad. And what would you bet that as well as wanting her daughter to be married (to not be alone when she travels) there will be grandchildren expected?

Like Emma my Blogher experience made me rethink my participation in women-only groups. I’m more comfortable in groups that don’t exclude people on the basis of their gender.

I read about the BlogHer conference through some bloggers who attended and, frankly, I’m glad I didn’t waste my time or money. It sounded like a great many of them were more interested in partying and shopping than they were attending educational programs and learning anything.

I remember one blogger even saying that had the candidates showed up, she probably would not have bothered to attend those segments of the conference because that just didn’t interest her. But she was pissed that they didn’t accept the invitation just the same.

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that BlogHer wouldn’t be interested in the childfree segment of the population. I think they’re much more into the “mommy wars” and similar topics to bother with us.

Incidentally, since I joined BlogHer, I’ve actually been rethinking my participation in women-only groups. I think I’m actually more comfortable in groups that don’t exclude people on the basis of their gender.

Ellerby: Marriage is an important part of getting ahead: lets people know you’re not a homo; married guy seems more stable; people see the ring, they think at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch; ladies see the ring, they know immediately you must have some cash or your cock must work.

I remember hearing that and thinking that this is it in a nutshell.

There’s also the idea that if you have kids, that’s it, you can be owned. You *have* to work. You *have* to take and put up with bullshit because you have a family to support. You will also most likely end up in debt. And you have to pay that off.

What other way to endenture a workforce?

Also, I firmly believe that if you’re a woman and have consciously chosen not to have children that means you *think.* If you have made a conscious decision on something, that means you have weighed the pros and cons of that something. Who wants women to think? IMO, not many people. Some, sure.. but really, even women don’t want women to think or be independent. Maybe many of them are so indoctrinated they don’t know any other way, who knows?

Two annecdotes and I’ll sign off.

One: A friend of ours is ex-military. Even though he was an officer, there was, essentially, NO WAY for him to really get ahead until he got married. And have kids. Alot of it is about the Officer’s Wives’ club. Do they like you or not? Refer to my movie quote above.

Two: I was at a store the other day and I overheard two women talking about their children. I came in at the point where one mother was saying there was NO WAY her daughter (early 20′s, I gathered from the rest of the conversation) was going to be “allowed” to live in Germany. That woman’s next comment disgusted me. She said, “Now, if she were married, that’d be a different story. She wouldn’t be alone.”

WTF?!? That attitude right there keeps women, their OWN DAUGHTERS, down. How much you want to bet if you were to ask that woman if she wanted anything for her daughter or if she wanted equality for her daughter, or the ability to do anything she wanted that woman would shout, “Of course!” ? Many women talk a fine story about equality, that women should be able to be anything they want to be, blah blah blah. But what do they really do in real life with their daughters? What attitudes do they take when their daughters want to do something, go somewhere, be something?

Remarks like that show a person’s real attitude about something. If that women truly wants her daughter to be independent, ENCOURAGE her to go live in Germany and experience the world – especially outside of her own country. I hear many things like that. It is what we say in day to day conversation, actions we take, etc. that show us how people REALLY feel.

We may spout we’re not bigots, racists, we want equality for all, etc. etc. But what are we really doing when no one is looking? What are we really saying to others and to children about what *we* want, rather than what we want for them or what they want for themselves?

You’re right in that we seem to be under-represented, but given the evidence I’ve seen this year, I think that is starting to change in a pretty radical way. The powers that be have really started to sit up and take notice of CF as a trend. Rather than whining, pouting and demanding (behaviour I’d rather leave to mothers) I’m going to sit back and watch this movement gather steam. I think our time is coming … ten years ago it was gay couples, and ten years from now the marketers are going to be all over the CF. Just watch.

Hopefully things will change if we keep pushing.