Like It Is

Bringing One Year To A Close.. continued

I’m going continue where I left off, with the topic of common ground. Because oddly, as I was thinking about this topic I came across this post on PW called The Common Ground Check it out – see if you agree with my thoughts on it. Add your own.

When it comes to the subject of common ground between childfree people and the childed, the common ground I see is that we are all people worthy of respect regardless of our reproductive choices. What I see and hear daily, however is that those with children are held in much higher regard and those who’ve decided not to have them are barely regarded at all. Unless we fight for it.And we have to pick our battles. If we are regarded, it is to be told that our choice is ridiculous and that we will get a wake up call when we supposedly discover we were wrong all along, that we’re selfish and immature and what we need is a good dose of children and childrearing to bring us to our collective senses. And all the while wherever we turn, we are told that having children is THE most rewarding feat any woman can (or should hope to) do. And let’s not forget that almost everything else we may do as a childfree person - even if that involves supporting children in some way – is never as popular as the idiotic myth that childfree people – because they are childfree – hate children.

And yet, with all this, I feel when the call goes out to common ground, it is the childfree that are being asked to do most of the looking. Now, perhaps this is just me. Or maybe this is a disturbing new phase when instead of being irked at the constant pressure to conform, we simply look at what unites us and let it all roll off our backs with a shrug and a laugh.

After all, can’t we all just get along?

Like I said, I am all for what unites us – as women but more importantly as human beings. When I meet someone for the first time my first interest is always in who they are as people – regardless of what reproductive choice they made. But I don’t see I need to exert even more patience with parents or proffer even more respect to them simply because they have had children. That’s already the de-facto positioning of society. In fact (and pardon the cliche-like phrase) of my friends who are parents we see each other as equals.

So I see respect as being two way and mutual. Read the rest of this entry »

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One of the great things about being childfree is the freedom we have to live life on our terms. It’s something that I am always grateful for. Not for us the limitations of children – financial or otherwise. We can expand, re-create or re-invent ourselves however and whenever we feel like without having to subordinate our desires to children. We can also choose whether or not we want to engage with children on our own terms. Though we are just as busy as parents, we can make time for ourselves or for others, whether that be volunteering or learning a new skill or planning for the future. Over the past few months I’ve been doing just that, and I’ll tell you a little about it shortly in a forthcoming post – this year . But for now…

A close family member recently told me that they were worried and unhappy that I hadn’t produced any kids yet. Wondered if I was worried about it. My response was to assure them that I had no worries but that it wasn’t going to happen. No need for them to worry (and I had no idea they were worrying about it on my behalf. What a waste of time.)

This highlights a key point. That while we can and do feel supported by other childfree people on blogs and childfree forums, I doubt anyone would argue that there is a long way to go in the off-line world when it comes to the people accepting the childfree choice as a viable choice.

The media while perhaps being as “anti-childfree” is certainly un-childfree friendly and persistently portrays childfree men and women as lacking and immature. When they want to “spotlight” the childfree they make sure they get quotes from those who are firmly “anti-childfree” and any quotes they (rarely) get from those who are happily childfree they manage to distort.

Breeders – as opposed to parents– need no encouragement to criticise those who have made the choice to remain childfree. Even when presented with the pertinent point that how we use our reproductive tackle is our choice they still take it upon themselves to insist that choice isn’t real… at any rate not as real as theirs. The pressure to have children – regardless of how capable a person is is still intense, and the emotional blackmail meted out on those in partnerships where one would really prefer not to parent is very much there.

In the midst of all this, creeps another trend… the search for “common ground.” But who is searching?

To be continued.

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I happen to enjoy Christmas ( The Holidays/Holiday Season). I like the sounds, the smells the decorations, the anticipation. I love Christmas Eve and waking up on Christmas Day… even Christmas music – where I can control it of course. If I worked in retail it would drive me crazy. Even when I’ve spent Christmas on my own I’ve always enjoyed it. If it snows on Christmas Day – even better. I’m far more savvy than to get caught up in the mad Christmas shopping mania, so that particular brand of craziness completely bypasses me.

Talk to some people though – usually parents – and they’ll tell you that Christmas is all about children, and for children Which, if you’re childfree and not well versed in shrugging this off can be very off-putting. Almost every advert you can count has the “Cornflake family” Mum, Dad and 2 kids, only this time they’re excitedly opening presents.

There is also the rather irritating tendency for people to ask what you’re doing over the Christmas/Holiday season mainly, I find, so you can ask what they’re doing and so they can tell you what they’re doing with or for the kids. If you say you’re spending time with family, it’s automatically assumed by some that includes kids.

With all the emphasis on “family” and children at this time, it’s no wonder that it can be a particularly trying time for childfree people. Not because they yearn to have kids around them (with the accompanying havoc and expense), but because everyone else thinks that without said kids ( and accompanying havoc and expense) the childfree can’t really have any enjoyment at all. After all, aren’t we missing out by not having kids? That’s what we’re told. I’ve never yet found this to be true.

If you’re childfree and your family is still trying to get you to breed then you can expect the usual subtle (and not so subtle) pressure. Particularly if one or more of your siblings brings along their brood for the ritual family visit, or you start getting hints that “maybe next year will bring the pitter-patter of tiny feet…” or worse “maybe next year I’ll be a GRAND-mother…” If you don’t get this family pressure, you should count yourself as very fortunate. As you should if you shrug off the pressure entirely.

Yes. It can be a very trying time for the childfree. Almost everywhere you turn the implication seems to be that if you don’t have kids, you don’t fit. Not true. You’re actually free to spend the time as you like. If you choose to.

Everyone is different. My hubs and I spend Christmas doing exactly what we want to do. Which is being together, relaxing, watching our many movies, listening to music, eating good food, going for walks and generally toasting the season. Christmas Eve we phone those who are far away.

We do all our visiting just before Christmas. And we avoid the whole “this is kids time” thing. We also avoid the huge expense that Christmas has become. I shudder to think of how many parents are thinking of how they’re going to afford the iPhone that they’ve just bought for their child(ren). Or something even more expensive.

What are your thoughts?

It can be hard to find other childfree men and women during this season. But however you spend this Christmas or Holiday season, if you’re reading this you know that there are a great number of us out there, and while it may seem as if we’re alone in a childed world, we’re really not.

A safe and peaceful Christmas and Holiday Season to you and yours.

P.S. Congrats to Mercurior  - nice to have you back

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I’m willing to bet that childed people don’t go through half the situations that the childfree people, particularly women do. Take for example when a colleague has a baby. Even though you like your colleague lots, if it was all up to you, you’d really prefer not to go to a half hour presentation of gift to said colleague baby and wife in the office. Even if you’re happy that they are happy and whole heartedly contributed to the gift and the congrats.

But for some things there is only one right thing to do. And that is to think of your colleague. So, even though I had no interest in babies, no interest in cooing over them like every other woman in the room, no baby/child stories, there I was surrounded by them. My congrats were genuine because I really like my colleague….even though I also gave commiseration for a life turned completely topsy turvy since he’s getting no sleep and it shows. Read the rest of this entry »

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Marcy Grant gets 5 years probation for trying to sell her 4 year old

Particularly if they’re going to sell them to the not-so highest bidder. I have to thank Kath E for sending me this link. Thanks Kath! My take on it, probably influenced by my being childfree  is somewhat different from all the outraged protesters on the Parents behaving badly website.

Of course, attempting to sell your offspring for the cost of a wedding dress (well for any amount really) is bad. Since it’s seemingly OK to sell your eggs or be a surrogate one might wonder if there isn’t some element of hypocrisy here, but I digress. As far as I know it’s a crime to sell children.

The more fundamental issue to me though is that some people should just not have children, because they are simply not fit to be parents. Yet, tell anyone of the outraged posters that you are childfree and what do you think their reaction would be? Probably that you’re crazy to even consider being childfree. Or, more commonly, that you’re a child-hater. When you consider the fairly terrible things done to children, most are done to them by primarily by their parents (aka, the child-lovers, who are hell-bent on having kids no matter what. Instead of “why don’t you have kids?” being thrown at childfree people by the childed, the question to the childed should really be “exactly why DO YOU have kids?” directed right back.

And perhaps the option of being childfree should be suggested far more widely – instead of pushing people to breed. After all, if all you’re going to do is get tired of them, be an alcoholic or abusive parent or worse kill them or try and hock them for goods, you’re not good parent material in the first place and you should never have had kids.

The parent in question has been given probation to mend her ways… far too lenient. But I suppose in a society that sees having children as the definition of womanhood, and pushes this above all other female endeavours – it’s no surprise.

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My post was going to be about something entirely different. But spending time with a couple of friends I really admire and like made me change my mind and not for the first time be grateful that I’m childfree. Both are my friends, and both have kids. Both are great parents. And they always give me an eye opener about the trials and tribulations of having and bringing up kids. I laughingly, but seriously, tell them I don’t need kids – and I am definitely not having them.

And if I want a reminder as to why, all I have to do is listen to their stories and I, not for the first time, that I am glad I don’t have kids.

There are some childed people who say, “well you couldn’t possibly understand – you don’t have kids.” False. True. In that order. Here are some things I do understand:

That when you have kids, even with the best intentions, you will have little or no time for yourselves as a couple. Even if you want to. Everything and every minute is for the children.

And though it can be fun, it’s also very tough. Read the rest of this entry »

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