My post was going to be about something entirely different. But spending time with a couple of friends I really admire and like made me change my mind and not for the first time be grateful that I’m childfree. Both are my friends, and both have kids. Both are great parents. And they always give me an eye opener about the trials and tribulations of having and bringing up kids. I laughingly, but seriously, tell them I don’t need kids – and I am definitely not having them.
And if I want a reminder as to why, all I have to do is listen to their stories and I, not for the first time, that I am glad I don’t have kids.
There are some childed people who say, “well you couldn’t possibly understand – you don’t have kids.” False. True. In that order. Here are some things I do understand:
That when you have kids, even with the best intentions, you will have little or no time for yourselves as a couple. Even if you want to. Everything and every minute is for the children.
And though it can be fun, it’s also very tough.
That you can be the best parent in the world, and try your very best, but your kids can still get into trouble. Big trouble. It can simply be because they fall in with the wrong crowd. The problem is, the “wrong crowd” happen to be your kid’s peers. No amount of telling them is going to do a blind bit of good.
Of course, you still have to be there to pick up the pieces. You have no choice.
That you can’t watch your kids every single minute or know what they are up to. So when they are “suddenly” arrested for a misdemeanour, it just might be a shock to you. Yep, you really might have had no idea. By then it’s too late, as your nightmare is just beginning – and by the way, you aren’t going to wake up from it any time soon. Mean while, life must go on, even if your child has practically ruined their lives.
That one day it’s entirely possible that your spouse ups and leaves you holding the baby – or at least two small children – for no other reason than they feel like it. Suddenly you’re single, but the job you thought was shared all this time, because your spouse and you wanted kids is all yours. Forget about yourself. You’ve got to hold it together for the kids. They’re not even three years old.
These are some of the realities. I have heard much worse.
No one said to me “oh but it’s worth it.” Respect. No one was complaining either, lest I give that impression. No one said to me “Oh, you should have kids, you’re not fulfilled without them”. Some one did say nothing would convince them to have another one.
You know why you are childfree. When some ignoramus tells you you should have kids, or you’ll change your mind or you need kids to feel fulfilled, or it’s wonderful, or it’s so wonderful think of some way to tell them to politely f*ck off. Really. Because they are more than likely lying to you big time. Giving you mostly a load of bullshit.
I know why I’m childfree. You know why you’re childfree. It’s nobody’s business. I’m grateful that I am, as I’m grateful for many things in my life. I wake up each day in charge of my day and of my life and happy that I could make a choice.
I know that I’m also grateful for my friends who are super parents, hardworking parents and honest people – and whom I can ask about how their kids are doing without being barraged with admonitions to reproduce; who tell it like it is.
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I really like this entry. It reminds me of my everyday existence. Most of the time I don’t give my ChildFree status any thought, because I’m just too busy enjoying my life.
After 10 years of telling people I don’t want to have children, I still get into minor altercations with strangers and acquaintances, and sometimes even people who should know better. However, most of my friends and family have come to realise that I’m not judging them for wanting to have children.
They are mostly very honest about what they like and dislike about parenting, and I can tell that, for them, the good stuff still outweighs the bad. Some of them might even be starting to come to terms with the fact that I view the good/bad stuff differently to them. (Most of what they list as the good stuff about being a parent I would include under the list of bad stuff, or perhaps with a list titled ‘Good for a maximum of 2 hours’.)
Even though I don’t understand it and will never personally feel the same way about parenting, I feel happy for them that they are doing what they (mostly) enjoy.
I am grateful that I have my ChildFree life though, and I know that my childed friends are sometimes a little bit jealous.
Hi Britgirl,
I really liked this post. One thing I might quibble with, if only because my parents provided such an opposite example. You wrote:
That when you have kids, even with the best intentions, you will have little or no time for yourselves as a couple. Even if you want to. Everything and every minute is for the children.
I think this is only true if parents or couples refuse to carve out their own time. My parents absolutely refused to have the three of us ever interfere with their Friday night date. They went out to a church social dance each and every Friday night, and my parents always had lots of friends over for dinners and parties, or went out to do the same. We were watched by others (grandma, aunts, uncles, older friends) in exchange for the reciprocity of favours, and I even remember my parents leaving us for 3 weeks in the middle of winter when I was 9, my sister 7, and my brother 11 so they could catch some sun in Haiti. We stayed with family friends, and didn’t find anything strange in that since their son went to school with us. This was the norm we grew up with, and what I aspired to when I didn’t know I’d end up unable to conceive.
It may well be a challenge to buck the norm, but there’s no reason everything has to be about the children. I’d even suggest it would be a far better world out there if everything was not about them. We learned to get along without them, and turned out quite independent and rather normal.
Decided – thanks
. I think that parents who are 1) honest and 2) completely respectful of childfree choices and non-judgemental are really like gold dust, there are very few of them in my opinion. I enjoy listening to my friends who are parents because they never bring their kids up first, only if and when I ask about them, but I think the key is that they are my friends first and parents second and that’s why it works.
I’m not interested people that go on and on about their kids, nor people who complain, nor parents that see themselves as exalted beings pitying poor little kidless me. Like you, I’ll never feel the same way about parenting. It just made me doubly grateful for my childfree life
. There’s no price you can put on freedom.
Anne- Marie – maybe so, I can see your point there especially when you’ve experienced it something different. And believe me my view (and my advice to my friend) was that they needed to take some time to be together as a couple.
Response “they can’t see that happening for quite a while.” They told us why. But they do want to. And even though I may feel they should get away (in fact they need to) and be by themselves for a bit, I can see it isn’t quite as straightforward as that. Especially when you have a 1 year old and a 3 year old, work full time to name just a couple of responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a case of refusing, or at least they don’t see it that way, and neither did I.
Perhaps time out will be a possibility later, when the children are older for example – but for now it’s very much on the back burner for these fairly young parents. It’s about the children. And it’s precisely one of the reasons I decided against having kids… I knew that no matter how much I wanted to have time when I wanted to, it would be very hard to achieve the same level of non-kid togetherness if children were there. It was something I did not and do not want to trade.
It appears that the happier parents realize that they have to have their time away from the kids. The ones who base their lives on and around their kids seem to be disappointed a majority of the time, especially if the kids turn out horrible.
I have developed more sympathy over time for divorced, single female parents. Many are in that situation through no fault of their own. My mother was one, and my late dad did nothing to ease her load of three kids after he divorced her. Ma had limited time and limited income, and she still resents that to this day. I just don’t get why any woman would want to be a single parent by choice. It is her choice, if she chooses to do that, but based on what I observed of my mother’s tribulations, single parenting is not any kind of fun.
Being childfree, especially in terms of mental and emotional benefits, is just a better choice for me personally. I can’t make it my problem that other people can’t or won’t understand that.
“Being childfree, especially in terms of mental and emotional benefits, is just a better choice for me personally. I can’t make it my problem that other people can’t or won’t understand that.”
Hillari – very true! Because it really isn’t our problem, it’s theirs.
Ditto!
My wife and I never wanted children. We simply had no interest in them, and were smart enough to realize we didn’t have to have them just because everybody else does. Her three sisters all had babies, and babies, and babies, and at family gatherings there were always the questions and teasing about when we were going to “start a family”, along with the guilt-laying about how “lucky” we were not to have children, as though they had not had the same choice we had.
Their kids are all in their late teens or early adulthood now, and the way they have turned out only reinforces my conviction that my wife and I made the right decision. Some of them have grown into rude little tarts who leach off of their parents and apparently have no intention of ever amounting to anything other than losers. One is an academic achiever, yet is as much of a nasty twit as the others. One thing they all have in common is that they were raised in families where it was “all about the children”.
I do see children once in a while who I think are nice little human beings–intelligent, well-behaved, mature for their age, and pleasant to know. But they are few and far-between.
When I went to college I was forced to waste some time in a stupid socialogical life-experience course in order to graduate (a preposterous requirement, since at the time I was 38 years old, had been married for 12 years, and had been working full time since I was 14). One of the discussions was about the decision to have or not to have children. The class was nearly unanimous that not having children is “selfish”. I was the only person who would speak out in favor of being child-free, and I asked some of the others to list good reasons for having children. They came up with gems like “because I love babies”, “so you’ll have someone to take care of you when you’re old”, and “because children make you happy”. When I pointed out that these are all rather selfish reasons, I was pounced upon with great verbal anger.
So, being child-free means frequently having to deal with morons, but it’s worth it.
The latest social research shows that people who have children are significantly less happy than their childless peers that most childless people never regret not having any children. Parents report feeling that they feel as if their child gives their life purpose and meaning, but at the cost of happiness. Additionally, UN statistics show that if people continue to keep having children at the same high rates, that our planet will not be able to sustain itself after 2050.
I frankly get kinda pissed when I see people having more kids. The diapers go to landfills. The old toys (usually plastic that breaks down and ends up in the ocean) go to landfills. The kids grow up to be teenagers and want cars, electronics, etc. all of which poison our air and water. Society makes the kids want to be massive consumers, otheriwse their peers will ridicule them. When you live in apartment, your neighbors decision to have a baby means that you too will be woken up when it starts screaming and crying at night for several months straight. Not to mention when people bring their children to restaurants that don’t have a childrens menu or to the theatre or to the ballet, who let themselves and their kids be disruptive. It is messed up when they think the childless are the assholes just because they want to watch the $200 ballet in peace if you dare ask them to be quiet. Why do parents have to punish non-parents so much with this crap?
omg
so you die a lonely old person
how fun is that
I can think of something a lot worse than dying as a lonely old person. I can imagine dying as a lonely old person who’d dedicated their life to raising their kids, who now never bother to phone, visit or write. How much fun is that then?
If you don’t believe me, then pop into any geriatric hospital or home for the elderly, and have a chat to the staff. They’ll quite readily confirm to you that the lonely abandoned folks with no visitors are very often those who have had children. Life comes with no guarantees, Judy.
Yes, people who had kids just to have other people to be with often find that when their kids grow up, they (the kids) don’t want to be around them anymore than anyone else did in the first place.
just because some ppl dont have kids doesnt mean they will die without someone by their side
This one is meant for anyone who is thinking of having a child and searching for honest answers from people who have kids. I am not an expert of any kind, just a father of one child who is willing to give an honest opinion under the cloak of anonymity.
It is taboo for parents to say anything negative, other than in jest, about having kids. I talked with several parents before becoming a dad. Anyone I asked about their parenthood experience would give me a 3 step answer: 1) Being a parent is so wonderful… 2) but what a ‘challenge’ it is. What a HUGE challenge… 3) …Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying anything negative about being a parent. You should do it.
Here is my answer: I do like being a dad. Spending time with a child is drudgery to me, yes even my own. Yes, I love my child dearly. I would give anything I have, including my life, for her. Yes, there are fun and/or touching moments. No, it isn’t worth it to me. I simply do not enjoy being a parent. I hope that this feeling will reverse but suspect that it will not.
Parenthood is a very personal thing. It is different for everyone. I am absolutely not saying that anyone should or should not have children. I am only saying that I preferred my life before becoming a father. I feel bad saying that. I’m sure that most people would look at me as if I were the devil himself for vocalizing this opinion. Like I said, it is taboo. If you are thinking about it, here is one data point on the ‘wish I hadn’t’ chart.
I’m always kidding about this subject, but your post meant a lot. I’m a responsible, giving adult, but all signs, throughout my life, have always pointed to: NO interest in kids. I’m so glad I didn’t rush into it or get talked into it. Now, at 38, I’m just hoping to find someone special to spend my life with. But without the clock ticking, it’s a pressure-free search. Thanks again, HD.
Dear HonestDad,
I realize this post is from over two years ago but I just had to reply. I recently started searching for websites and articles that support a ChildFree life. Even though you are a man who is already a father and I am mid-twenties woman who is newly engaged with no children, I have never encountered a more on-the-spot testimony of how I feel on the inside from someone else.
I have heard those exact 3 answers from people who are trying to convince me to get ready, get married, and start having babies. However, it’s your answer that gives me hope that my budding conviction to not have children is not completely bonkers. I can hear myself giving that EXACT speech to someone in the future (just change the gender specific nouns and pronouns around).
The hardest part about making this decision is to live with the doubt… and everyone is just giddy to help out. It’s like they have a special sensor that alerts them to the doubt… and then: “Well, you OBVIOUSLY want children subconsciously… just wait a couple years.”
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. It has really hit home and is resonating. I’m almost convinced you are me from the future – come back in time to warn myself against parenthood… but cleverly disguised so as to prevent paradox.
Honest Dad – thanks for sharing. I take it you meant to say I do “not” like being a Dad? Let me know and I will edit it. I wish more parents were as honest as you are but of course we know they are not. It’s a pity such an important subject is taboo. It does no one any service.
HonestDad, Thank you so much for your honesty and sincerity! It’s so wonderful to hear a parent acknowledge that if they had a choice, they would have made a different one, because I’m sure that’s how a lot of people truely feel, but won’t say it. Thanks again!
Everyone has children!!! So it seems. They Tell me I am missing out. I don’t think so. Children are rude, and disrespecful. Some parents are not good parents. Would i be a good parent? I don’t want to find out. The answer is yes, but I would be over protective to the max. I am too selfish to have children and career minded.
What i don’t understand is why do these parents say “you don’t know what you are missing out on?” or you will never feel complete without a child. I get tired of hearing that shit. Another one came from a church member, a church a no longer go too (mormon) said this. “If you don’t have children you will be commiting a sin.” To me, if i bring a child in this world, I would be commiting a sin. All these perverts, uneducated schools, and the way the ecomony is… I ask myself “Why would a human want to make another suffer?” In our kids time, the depression may happen or even WWIII.
In regards to Kelly: I ask myself “Why would a human want to make another suffer?” In our kids time, the depression may happen or even WWIII.
I totally agree.
That’s probably the best bingo response I’ve heard yet.
“You should have kids, yeah it’s hard, but it’s worth it”
“Well, not having kids means dealing with a lot of judgemental, thoughtless individuals and yeah it’s hard…
…but it’s worth it.”
I have one child and can honestly say that, I too, preferred my life before having children. While I care about my kid, I have been depressed ever since my life drastically changed by having a kid, 5 years ago. I have never felt like the same person since then. I used to enjoy life and everything that it had to offer and I had many different interests. I looked forward to getting up and doing whatever I wanted and the freedom I had. Now, it is monotonous and boring, and nothing seems fun anymore. I don’t even enjoy the same things I used to-I feel like an entirely different person-and an unhappy one… If you like freedom, unless you have money for someone else to watch them and help you out, kids will change that!
Anonymous, thank you so much for your post.
I struggle with my decision to be childfree, not because I have doubts that it’s the right one for me, but because EVERYONE in my life tells me I am wrong. As I’m in a relationship with a man who wants children, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what my life would be like with kids.
I ALWAYS end up imagining myself feeling stressed, tired, depressed, bored. But still people tell me I am wrong.
It’s really helpful to read a post like yours and to have my certainty backed up by the fact that for some people, it really just isn’t the right choice.
I’m sorry about the path your life has taken, but remember your child will grow up one day, and then you will be able to pursue your other interests again.
Best wishes, and take care.
I think that you’re right not to have children. Clearly you’re not up to it.
Um, there’s a difference between desire and ability–a concept that some people seem to be unable to grasp. There is also a difference between ability and competence. Based upon casual observation in the real world, it would seem that a good many who went ahead and had children are lacking in the competence department. I wonder how they would enjoy it if I walked up to them and stuck my nose in their business and said, “What the hell were you thinking having kids? I’ve seen better behaved hyenas?” I’m guessing not so much.
Example: while out walking the other day, I saw a little boy, maybe five years old standing on the sidewalk very near a busy street (NYC). He was screaming and crying his head off. I looked around and noticed that his oblivious FATHER was standing about twenty feet away, hand on hip leaning against a building busily text-ing someone, completely ignoring his distressed son. Perhaps this is an example of someone “up to having children?”
I felt like taking the little boy by the hand and leading him over to his father and saying, “Here is someone who needs you more than the person (girlfriend maybe?) you are texting” and then whacking him in the head with his Crackberry. But you know what, I didn’t do that because a) my husband restrained me and b) it was NONE OF MY BUSINESS as it wasn’t taking place in my living room.
Suggestion for the holier-than-thou parents out there eager to bless the childfree here and elsewhere with your wisdom, why don’t you offer some of your priceless commentary to your “peers” as some of them clearly need guidance in the parenting department. As far as the childfree by choice go, we do fine all by ourselves!
I personally have the ability and competence, but no desire. Believe me, my kid would be fed, washed, burped, massaged, yoga-ed, therapied, and whatever else are the new “musts” of child rearing. I can totally see myself runing a super tight ship and being that wack-a-doodle who thinks no one can babysit because “they don’t know what they’re doing.” So, competence I got plenty. I rise to all challenges, and am a hard worker. But I would be miserable and misery to be around, and I would fully expect my husband to eventually fall out of love with me and maybe leave me. I would be horrid – stressed, angry, annoyed, resentful and nagging at him to do stuff, and then push him out of the way because “he isnt doing it right.” I have no desire to become the scary, sleep-deprived, obsessive and sexless version of me with floppy, saggy boobs and bladder issues. I think ability is a matter of character – anyone can learn this, its not brain surgery as is evidenced by all the people who aren’t too sharp but produce normal, average children. Desire is innate, and that can’t be helped. The desire is what makes the difference. People who have that desire see the good. People who don’t have it see everything as a burden and a nuisance. That’d be me.
My thoughts exactly. I have plenty of competence, I even work with couples who have infertility issues, with new born babies, children… and people keep on asking me, if I have kids since I appear so competent.
You don’t need to be a parent to become an educator or care taker, I am in a health care business and I have developed an immense patience, understanding, ability to love and care for someone and tons of compassion. I dont want this when I get home. I enjoy other stuff and life has plenty to offer.
I get fulfillment with my work and my personal non-parent life and that enables me to be the best “aunt” in the world.
exactly! i know that i am way behind the posting here, but this reminds me… people always say, “but you’d be such a great mother!” as if that’s a reason to have kids, or as if my decision comes from some sort of doubt. i always say “hell yeah i would!” i would rock parenthood. i’m not choosing to eschew parenthood because i’m unsure of my abilities or afraid i’d do a bad job. i just don’t WANT to. it’s not right for me. for some reason people just don’t get that.
I think telling you that you’d be a good mother is showing something of the reality of the parenting world. “But you’d be such a great mother!” sounds to me like:
“There are so many terrible mothers in the world, so many people who have children who really shouldn’t, it’s sad that someone who would be a good mother won’t become a mother. The world could use more good mothers raising children. Instead, we’re stuck with the bad mothers who keep reproducing.”
That’s what I read into it….
I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: I will faint from shock if a troll ever comes up with anything original or worthwhile to say.
Does this troll really believe that every parent up there is up to the job?
Just yesterday I was in town and I noticed a mother (or should I say breeder) screaming at her daughter, who I’d guess was no more than six or seven. The breeder’s face was puce and her spittle was flying everywhere, the poor child was literally cringing and shaking. An elderly lady marched over and whatever she said, the breeder shut up sharpish and stalked off.
Does that strike you as someone who’s “up to it”, troll?
If every parent is “up to it”, how come there are so many abused and neglected children in the world?
Think of that before you post on a childfree blog. All you’ve done is shown your ignorance.
Melissa,
Clearly you’re not up to being an original writer! I recognized your name and did a google search and found:
After i looked up y our books, I was shocked to see you ripped off the style of Susan Branch….handlettering, quotes and watercolors. No originality, no mattter how many people look at your books!
I did not want children. When we got married, my wife wasn’t sure about having children but then decided she really wanted to have children. There’s really no way to compromise on this. I finally gave in.
Well, she gave birth to 2 very premature babies with multiple severe disabilities. They’re 21 now and it’s been an incredibly exhausting 21 years. We have no close friends, not much money, no real interests. While our sons have a right to as good a life as they can have, it’s meant we’ve had to give up a lot. Given that we live in the US where people with disabilities are treated worse than pets, we’ll have to keep fighting for them until we die. The attitude here is pretty much, well, they’re your kids so God bless you but don’t expect much help. I know an attitude like this is difficult for people in Europe to understand but that’s the kind of dog eat dog society the US is.
In any case, I love my kids and also resent them. Every day, I think what our lives would have been like if we had not had our kids. We probably would have divorced but in the end, we would have been happier.
I think if you want to be childfree, it’s your decision and your right. Don’t let society or your friends or family change your mind. I know many people who are very happy with their decision to have kids, but I wish our decision had been different.
WOW This is a truly gut wrenching forum here. I really appreciate the honesty of everyone on this board. Ive been on the fence with having kids myself. Well actually I know I dont want kids but……
But every so often a fantastic woman will come into my life. And she’d have the desire for a family. So I’d consider it but then quickly come back to earth. Its a HUGE responsibility having kids. It aint like buying a house or a car. If you dont like the house or car you can sell them or trade them in. You can choose your wife & friends. Kids (family) you cant choose what youre going to get. You can teach a kid to go a certain way but in the end they are going to do what he/she wants. Hopefully the values you instill in them sticks but who knows…its a crap shoot.
Some people have kids for the wrong reasons (not happy or lonely). A lot of people have kids too young also. My sister had her son at 22. Way too young. She handled this kid horribly growing up. Always stressed. Now my sister is 39 and my nephew is 17. I see the damage thats done. Out of respect I wont get into details.
Im 36 and though I feel very young still when I think of having a kid it makes me feel old. Some people say kids make you young (or feel young). Yeah right. What makes me young is getting great sleep at night. Not having the HUGE responsibility of raising kids in this crazy world. That makes me feel young. If I have a kid at 37. Then when Im 50 he/she will only be 13. 13 is the heart of all those peer pressure puberty stuff. 50 to me right now doesnt feel old but if I had 2 kids. Again say another at 39. Then at 50 Ill have a 13 & 11 year old. I cant vision it and when I do I run the other way.
Plus I also think about the financially responsibility of having a child. The girl Im with now makes about $125k. I make $75k. So together we’d be fine. But what if she loses her job or I lose mine. That a huge salary hit. If youre single and have minimal expenses you can get by. I remember my dad always stressing out over his job and always working 2 jobs his whole life. My dad died of cancer at 53 when I was 24. He worked his ass off and though he smiled alot he also drank alot and never took care of himself. He used to say if I never got married I would of been a millionaire.
So it felt good to vent a little and thanks for listening. Am I self-centered. Maybe. But its a personal decision. I love being in the company of a woman. And right now Im meeting woman in their early to mid 30s. This dating age is really tough because most woman I meet either want a family quick or they already have young kids. Im thinking of taking the age range up a notch because woman in their 40s if they dont have kids probably dont want them. And if they have kids the kid wont be 8. Maybe 16 which Im cool with. Plus Im noticing woman that have kids dont want a daddy they just want a boyfriend/companion.
After reading all the honest posts of parents that seem unhappy. It sounds like if I had a kid in a few years I’d be on this site venting how much I love my child but how much I loved my life before he/she. I see myself settling down with someone but that someone wont want kids or has kids (grown) and dont want anymore.
Be Well
Pete
LOL at people like you. ” I don’t feel like 50 is old.” Buddy, it’s ooooold. You keep telling yourself that though. Your 50s are a major time when the body breaks down. Next you’ll be telling yourself that 60 isn’t old either.
Keep dreaming. I just turned 30, and I know that 30 is not the new 20. And 50 yr olds look really old to me. I imagine the same way I would look to a 10 yr old.
I’m younger than 30, and to me 50 is nowhere near old. Nor is 60. Eighty, getting there.
I know a lot of people who are active, able bodied, happy and healthy well into their 80s. I even know a 97 year old who can beat 25 year old men at tennis!
Age is what you make of it. To run around saying “lol 50 is old” doesn’t mean that 50 is old at all, what it means is that you are really, really immature and mentally very young.
No wonder people still treat me like I’m a child if yours is the kind of behaviour and attitude they see from 30 year olds!
I second that. I used to work with a guy I pegged as in his 60s, tops. He climbed Mt. Washington every summer with his grandkids, hike portions of the Appalachian Mountain trail in New England, and was generally a very energetic, inquisitive guy who delighted in learning something new. Imagine my surprise when we threw him a birthday party and I learned he was turning 78! A lot of age is what you make of it – keeping a youthful attitude & generally just taking care of one’s health seems to have worked wonders for several of my elder relatives; the ones who “stopped” (stopped learning, stopped meeting new people, stopped exercising, stopped going outside their comfort zones or taking joy in their lives) are the ones who seem “old.”
I’m with you, Pete! And rest assured, virtually NONE of my 30ish girlfriends wants kids. We are out there, and forums like this are helping us realize it’s okay to say no to motherhood.
My friends’ lifestyles seem to lend themselves to the CF perspective so perhaps you could expand your social circle in other directions? For me, the CFers were found in animal rescue/foster, vegetarian groups, solo/group travel, academic/bookish endeavors, hiking/outdoorsy stuff. I think all of these open one’s eyes to overpopulation, the world and all there is to see in it, and just deeper thinking (beyond the status quo).
Good luck out there.
Thank you thank you thank you. I’m a newly wed in the U.S. ….I thought I was alone or going against nature by not wanting kids. I can honestly say the only fear I have/had was the being alone when your old part…but it doesn’t take much to realize there are no gaurantees of kids being around when you’re old…..they may not be able to, or want to. They may be total strangers that I happened to spend 20+ years raising. I love my freedom.
The other reality is that good parenting is a skill that I think few have. I know a lot of bad kids and parents, but I only know of one great parent in my social circle, my sister. even her husband is mediocre…. she has an incredible amount of patience and still gets stressed.
BTW: thanks to the dads who were honest. Honest answers are impossible to get from parents. I understand it could be difficult to talk about a life you create as a regret even if it is the truth…
I really enjoyed reading these posts. I don’t really have anything to add to the discussion. Enough has been said. I’m just glad to know that there are people out there that won’t give me the “Oh, you don’t mean that…” speech when I say, “I do not want kids.”
P.S. I’m glad to know that I’m not abnormal when basic logic and reasoning tower over what little maternal instincts I possess. Here, I was thinking it was just me.
Britgirl, thank you for this post. You and the other posters here have made a lot of points that I have always thought about myself. My wife and I married last year, and were together for several years before that. Early on, we talked about whether we would have children if we were to get married. I was pleasantly surprised when she told me that she had no interest in having kids, as that had been my sentiment for as long as I can remember. We do feel pressure sometimes to explain why we don’t want kids, and we have been given many reasons for having them. Here are some reasons and rebuttals:
“Oh, kids are so fun.” — is what we hear sometimes. Yes, kids may be fun….except when they’re not. From infancy to juvenile to adulthood, there are gonna be multiple instances of un-fun. Like when I used to get into fights when I was a kid. Like when I fell in with a bad crowd in High school. I didn’t wise up until I was about 21. Yeah, I want to be on the other end of that, alright. Most likely, more un-fun than fun.
“Babies are so great.” — I hear this one alot from one of our friends in particular. Babies may be great, but have you considered the fact that your baby will one day cease to be a baby? Are toddlers great? Are teenagers great? He doesn’t really seem to have thought about that, but I shall not argue, because that is his choice.
“Life will be so full if you have kids.” — Pardon me….our lives are already quite full. We have jobs. We go to school, me for my Masters’ and her for Nursing (which translates to “we’re very busy”). We have some great friends. Not sure how much fuller life can get; I think we’re pretty much at capacity.
“Being married and not having children is a sin.” — This is one of my favorites. This is in the Bible. It says (generally) that the union of two people must be for the purpose of procreating (or at least in part). We are practical Catholics, but to observe this in this day and age is downright silly. The world is overpopulated. I would say that it’s more of a sin to have something (or someone) that you don’t want, just because you were told that you had to. Then, the child grows up with parents who only had him/her because of pressure. What kind of trip is that to lay on a kid?
“Not having kids would be selfish.” — I’ve heard this one. I can’t recall the website, but someone else mentioned this: For something to be selfish, there must be harm done to someone or something. I am not certain who or what would be harmed by us not having children. If having kids is so great, than if anything, we’d be hurting ourselves by not having them.
The list goes on, but there’s one more in particular:
“Having kids doesn’t really cost that much, over the years.” — You see, it seems that some people we know think that we don’t want to have kids just because they cost money. This is really only somewhat true. They say that to raise a child to age 18 in the US costs about $200,000. So, the average over all 18 years is about $11,000/year. So, if I will have the graduate degree, and she has the nursing, then no, this isn’t really a heck of alot. This isn’t the sole reason that we’re not having kids though, and it seems that many people tend to think that this is the only reason that most people (not just us) don’t want them, and this is just not the case. But, while I’m on the subject, I usually think about what it would cost us in “time.” Having kids would cost around the neighborhood of “the majority of our time,” and in that regard, “cost” most certainly is a factor. I’m sorry (no, I’m not really), but my wife and I like to live our lives, we like to have fun, we like to go out, we like to toss back a few on Friday night, and we like to have romantic evenings. A child would be a barrier to all of this. Most people would say that this is selfish….again, I disagree.
The reasons why we don’t want them are many; some are listed above, and there are many more, but I have taken up too much space already.
And 50 is the new 30.
Hey, I really like this blog, since I’m a young unmarried man who doesn’t want to have kids, and I really respect people’s decision not to have kids. Keep it up! lol.
“I can’t recall the website, but someone else mentioned this: For something to be selfish, there must be harm done to someone or something.”
Actually, it’s much simpler than that – any action/decision a person performs in service of his/her -self is technically a “selfish” act. Heck, brushing your teeth is a selfish act, as is feeding yourself. There is typically no harm done in those actions; except to bacteria and hunger.
Where the selfish moniker comes into play seems to be when the man/woman denies their spouse a child when said spouse desires one. That right there smacks of dependency issues. For a couple to have a child out of love is one thing, but for said kid to complete a relationship is evil. I mean, why get married unless you love the person for what they are, if the end goal is calculated to obtain something else?
Soldatka–you’ve got that right! And even if you have a good relationship with your children sometimes life circumstances prevent frequent visits. Before my mother passed, I saw her three times a year. If I had chosen to remain in the state where I was born I could have stayed near my mother but would have not been able to support myself. My husband has a very good relationship with his parents–but they live 7,000 miles away. We see them twice a year maximum. My in-laws miss their only son very much and would love it if we moved to be near them, but they also realize that the opportunities for him to utilize his education and training are limited to non-existent in their part of the world.
As you said Soldatka, life isn’t quite as tidy as people like Judy would like to believe. And I’m inclined to think that someone who chose parenthood as a way to ensure company in old age is probably not the type of person who will have raised devoted children–if you know what I mean.
I have an 18 year old son who hates my guts. He calls me names, hangs up on me, is rude, curses at me. If I had to do this all over again I would have been fixed and told my man that it seems I have trouble getting pregnant and would have been deliriously happy. Not having a child is the best decision you will ever make in your life. Spend your time and money just on you. When they’re small they’re wonderful and they love you, but once they turn into teenagers they hate your guts and constantly remind you how awful you are. I love my son but he hurts my feelings everyday. He works at Starbucks, is in his 2nd semester of community college and is saving $$ to move out. Once his blind grandmother who lives with us passes away and he is out of the house and I retire from my job, I’m moivng with no forwarding address. I’m going to pretend I have no child. Children are a punishment from God for stupid women. Don’t believe the hype.
Thanks, Shug, it takes guts to admit how hard it can be. I wish you a peaceful post-game.
sugaland, while i agree with your sentiment at heart, don’t forget that he is 18! My brother was awful until h turned 24…there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck!
Go fuck yourself. There, I said it. You were a kid at one point too. You think your parents didn’t go through the same shit your flipping out about? Dude, obviously if people go through that bad of issues with their children then they shouldn’t even be parents. Disapline, not hitting, show em whos boss from the begining and it will turn out fine, and they will be better people.
Dude, I’m fine with fuck, but not with the five grammatical errors you just spewed here, especially if you’re in charge of educating someone.
Brad, you are a pathetic joke. Just because we were children, or that our parents suffered through raising us does not mean that we must, or that we owe it to anyone to reproduce. It’s illogical. We owe it to our awesome parents to support ourselves and live full lives– that’s showing that their suffering through our pain-in-the-assery was worth it.
You said, “Dude, obviously if people go through that bad of issues with their children then they shouldn’t even be parents.” you do not know what experience you will have with parenting until you have committed to it. I repeat: children are caveat emptor– they are as-is, non-refundable, and non-programmable. They have their own will, and no matter how strict, how much of a disciplinarian or authority you are they will follow their own choice and may or may not “turn out fine”. So when people who perhaps erroneously decide to attempt “parenting” find that it is not all sunshine and rainbows, that the idiots that they allowed to convince them to reproduce misled them, they’re already entrenched.
A few words of advice: think before you speak, and if you have a high school diploma, you should know how to use spell and grammar check. For everyone’s benefit, I really hope that you don’t reproduce.
I love this! I don’t want kids at all. I am unmarried at the moment and I am sick and tired of people telling me that I should get married and have kids just because everyone else is doing it. Are you freaking nuts? They just want me to be as miserable as they are. It is my life and I don’t have to justify that to anyone. I only hope I can find a man that feels the same way. I am only 24, but I have never felt that having kids was something that I wanted to do. It is a lifetime commitment. I am pursuing my education at the moment and I really enjoy not being attached. My mom got married young and had babies right off the bat, and most of the time she tells me how jealous she is of me because she never got to experience being single at my age. I told her I did not want kids and she supports my decision. I have a brother who she rarely gets to see. I want to travel and have fun and I wish people would just mind their own freaking business when they want to know why you have not found the “one” yet. You only live once, so I am going to do what I want when I want. Some people are cut out for kids but I think my life would be so much more fulfilling if I never had kids. To the parents all I can say is thank you who posted a comment. Having kids is not as wonderful as everyone makes it out to be. Thank you for your honesty because I feel justified in making my decision not to have kids.
wow i am glad that i had found this. i agree with u pete and a few others on here. my hubby and i do want kids, but it is expensive. (dr. apts, clothes, diapers, baby food, toys, etc.. just wait till they are older then school, college (if they choose to go) car etc.)…….. but we cant because my hubby only works and i am disabled, but get ssi. so basically only one income. i cant drive so it would be hard if the kid and/or me had to go to the drs. basically have NOONE to help us. (my family is either dead ,disabled, or lives far away. my one bff would help out but she lives like half hr away). my hubbys family is either far or they just dont care about us. so we cant have kids would be tough. we would have to do it on our own, well basically me bc he works and cant afford to take off alot………i am in late 20s and he is in his early 30s. . have a house and he does have a great paying job, but cant afford the kid if he would lose it by some chance. i am kinda sad but the more i read on this site really opened up my eyes. i just hate it when my friends (some who have kids already) and my family keep asking when r we having kids ? kinda gets annoying and sad. i have few dogs that keep me company while my hubby works. so they are like my kids. i guess god has a plan for everyone. and some people do have that mom/dad instinct and / or in their blood that they are meant to be parents. just dont think that it is for us.
The finances and obligations of having a kid are staggering – even before the child is born. Most people dismiss this very real issue with a “You’ll find a way.” The reality is that the majority don’t find a good way – they have a kid without having the infrastructure in place to handle the load. That is why so many marriages break under the pressure. If most people comprehended the sacrifices required to have kids, under the best of circumstances, they wouldn’t have them.
This is a very powerful forum to read. I am 39, married, and do not have children. I never had the “urge” for kids, though I do now. And I think that it may be due to the Facebook phenomenon. I look at all my friends profiles with their smiling, adorable children and think they’ve got it better than me. But the grass is always greener on the other side. I have friends who have children with autism, down syndrome, who have nightmarish teenagers. And it is not always true when people think that having kids means someone is going to take care of you when you are old. I am a nurse, and I have witnessed many elderly people in retirement homes whose children never visit. I have also had elderly patients WITHOUT children who have been looked after by friends, neighbors, nieces, nephews, cousins. I have met elderly people whose children died before they did. There is no guarantee for that argument. Though of course, there are the people who do have their children to take care of them. This seems especially prevalent in the Hispanic and Asian populations, and I think it is an admirable quality.
My brother, and a few good friends of mine were so dead set on having “their own” kids but weren’t having them naturally that they spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. I will not have children because I suffer from depression and anxiety, which is a gentic inheritance, and I do not want to pass that along to a child. I also do not want to adopt b/c of this reason. I also think that I have another purpose in my life other than having children, though I have struggled with it of late, which is why I am looking up sites such as this. It helps to read other people’s stories, because as I said earlier, looking at Facebook and everyone bragging about their kids is annoying sometimes.
I just wish that our society was more accepting of people who choose not to have kids. We are out there. But society makes so much of it. Look at poor Jennifer Aniston..all the tabloids are foaming at the mouth to see if/when she will get pregnant. Poor thing. She cant even place her hands a certain way without someone suggesting she’s having a baby.
My wife and I are roughly the same age. She wants kids but probably cannot conceive, much less give birth. We’ve seen doctors and it doesn’t look good. I don’t want kids, but am willing to try, despite my misgivings, because I love her and this is her last chance. It’s probably not going to happen, based on what doctors have told us. While I’m mostly relieved I probably won’t have to be a father, I do feel guilt because I delayed marriage, and subsequently, killed time to try and have a kid.
On top of it all, I don’t have many friends left who don’t have kids. My wife and I are now in some kind of weird, isolated world. I have a hard time relating to my friends and have fewer things to talk about with most of the people I know or work with because the conversations seem to always revolve around kids. I deactivated and deleted my Facebook account because it was nothing but a never-ending stream of posts and photos of my friends and their offspring. I recently stopped chatting with a very good friend of mine in another city when I found out he and his wife are going to have their first kid. While he’s still my friend, I consider the relationship over. It bothers me that I’ve taken these actions, but I think it was probably the right decision based on conversations we’ve had in the past. I don’t hate my friends or their kids but this obsession with children, both with my friends and in my own life, is driving me crazy. The topic of parenthood conjures up a whole litany of sour and unpleasant emotions inside me I’d rather not have. Even though I’m grateful I won’t have the financial, emotional and lifestyle option-limiting problems of my childed friends, I can’t help but feel, at times, like I have failed as a husband and a man. The feelings don’ t last long. Usually it only takes hearing someone in the cube next to me arguing with their teen-agers on the phone and listening to how broke they are because the kids need this or that. I snap out of my funk fairly quickly after that, only to have the cycle repeat a few days later.
I guess I just want to say, Menokids, I understand exactly where you’re coming from and want to offer my support, such as it is. I suspect, like me, you are in a limbo world where you’re neither truly Childfree nor are you exactly Pro-Kid. Neither side will have me, I’m afraid, but that’s okay. I don’t think I fit into either category. It’s tough for people caught in the middle. I want to reassure you that it’s OK to have mixed-feelings on this and that you’ve found one of the few places where this topic is being discussed honestly and that is refreshing. Best wishes to you as you work these things out.
Thanks for sharing this SG. And for bringing up the “limbo-land” place where it must be very hard to reside. I think it’s another facet that does warrant more discussion. I also think men may feel it more than women and it is telling that these feelings are closely linked in with being a good spouse. I don’t know what the answer is but I would say don’t waste time feeling guilty. Life is too short. I identify with having nothing to say to childed friends – I am simply not interested in talking about kids. But to counter that you have to find new friends and new interests. Not easy, however it can be done. Thanks again for sharing.
Menokids – thank you for the compliment. On the subject of Facebook let’s not forget we never have the whole picture. I am willing to bet that that while people boast pics and doings of their kids they probably envy your freedom – particularly if you share it in your status – which I generally do. I am never really impressed by people who use their kids as profile pics. To me it shouts “I have no life except for my kids!”. More annoying are the feeds that blab on about geetting pregnant, scans, morning sickness,large tummies and the joys of motherhood or impending motherhood. Some guys are guilty of. Kid verbosity too but not on the same scale. I have happily hidden friends that go on endlessly about kid things. On the other hand ,as my husband says, that’s really what FB is all about. And it’s a heck of a lot easier than thinking of something interesting to say. I do have friends who occaisionally talk about their kids – them I don’t mind, most are great kids and I’m interested because I know the parents. But they have their own profile pics.
Cancel Facebook if it annoys you. One can do quite nicely without the daily press releases about nothing in particular. Women who use their children as avatars on social networking sites have serious identity problems. What a weird culture we’ve created.
You don’t need to cancel Facebook if it’s just certain people that annoy just hide their updates or “un-friend” them. Easily done and works for me.
If one suffers from anxiety and depression as menokids says she does, the inherent competitiveness that gets played out on social networking sites (in all areas not just around kids) may contribute to those bad feelings. If participating in that medium makes you feel so badly you are considering having kids because of it–it may be a good thing to take a break. Just sayin….
Hear Hear.
I found you forum due to the fact that my fiancé dropped a huge bomb on me two days ago. After 5 years of telling me he DID want a child (he did this on his own accord and with out any pressure from me. He even broke up with a girl once because she didn’t want a child) he changed his mind and told me he now he doesn’t want any ever. I will say since he and I have had multiple conversations about this, I didn’t handle it well when he told me this new bit of information. I was mostly angry with him because I had never thought of what life would be like with out a child; and my parents have already spent a ton of money on our wedding and I’ve bought my wedding dress. We had the conversation about having kids before; but never the conversation about what would happen if we didn’t. I felt like he was selfish for not thinking about this sooner and putting me in this position; however, I’m happy he told me this BEFORE we were married.
Now, I am a very nurturing person, I always have been. I helped my mom basically raise my baby sister because my father traveled all of the time and my mom suffers from depression and couldn’t handle my energizer bunny like little sister at times. I’ve always babysat, and at one point I was a nanny. Since I was young I’ve always been told, “What a good mommy you’ll make!” So, I guess I just adopted that idea as my own.
When my fiancé said he didn’t want children anymore, I’ll admit, I freaked out. But now, I’ve have been MADE to take a moment and pause and to think. You know, I’m 26 and still have so many things to achieve. Not to mention I’m a people pleaser and I could see losing myself in a child because I would be paranoid about not being a perfect mom. I love my mom 100%, and I know she loves me, but I think part of the reason she was so depressed was because she had 3 very needy little girls, a husband that was away at LEAST 40% of the time, and no time for herself. I love my mom, but I don’t want to be her.
I mean I have no desire for a child right now at all; I’m just worried I might later. My relationship with my fiancé isn’t lacking; we are usually much more comfortable and in love with one another then almost all of our friends. I think I might really be ok with not having kids.
Feedback about this would be awesome. Cause I know if I go through with this, everyone and their brother is going to be telling me I’m making a mistake.
Great, great post, Heather. Comments like this are why this blog is such an incredible resource. You have articulated in a very lucid way your predicament and I think you came to the right place.
I would certainly hit the pause button on the wedding machine. This is a big deal and a show-stopper no matter what you are thinking and how you are feeling. While it would’ve been nicer and cheaper for you and your family had your fiancé had dropped this bomb earlier, you have said yourself your glad he did it before you tied the knot. Without having any more details about your situation, I wouldn’t be too hard on your wishy-washy husband-to-be. The very real pressure of committing to a marriage is overwhelming enough as it is. Agreeing to sire offspring cranks any commitment issues up to 11, if you know what I mean. A lot of people would say he’s being immature, but I think the exact inverse is true. I think your fiancé has actually stopped and taken stock of what he is signing up for and he realizes, at least now, he doesn’t want it and has spoken up before it was too late. Most men in his situation wouldn’t have the backbone to do what he did given all the expense, social and family pressure, and societal norms at play.
Half of all marriages end in divorce, or so I hear and read. Money woes (probably brought on by having children before a couple is financially stable enough to incur the debt brought on by having kids) rank as the number-one cause of marital breakups, but I would hazard a guess most marriages fail because one or both parties don’t lay all their cards out on the table before getting married. Nobody sees eye-to-eye on everything, so it’s impossible to have someone in complete accord with you, even the person you love the most. However, the topic of becoming a parent is an all-or-nothing affair. There’s no middle-ground, despite what many people say. You’re either in or your out, as it were. Both man and woman, ideally, should absolutely really want a child (in all of its incarnations – infant, toddler, child, adolescent and young adult) before making a baby.
Even if your fiancé suppressed his feelings on not wanting children and got along to get along so he could get married to you, eventually his very real desires to not have a child would fester and grow and become an issue eventually. More than likely, you would feel rightly betrayed and your marriage would hit some turbulence. So, if he had doubts, he did the right thing by grabbing the brakes. It’s frustrating and embarrassing for everyone concerned, but I admire anyone that will be honest, even when it hurts.
Even though you don’t think you want kids now, I have a hunch you will want them in the future. I could be wrong, but having children seems to be how you frame married life. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what you want.
Aside from the money put into the wedding plans, what’s the rush? You are young enough to give this some more time. Sounds like you’re still on speaking terms with your fiancé, so why don’t you two, without dealing with your parents or anybody else, agree to some kind of date in the future (I’d say give it a year, at least) to decide whether marriage is what both of you want. That will give you time to hash this child thing out. You OWE it to YOURSELVES to do this. You owe it to your kids, assuming you have them (with this guy or some other man in the future) that when they are born they are wanted and both you and your husband are committed 100% to being parents.
I’m so glad this has happened to you. I know that sounds morbid or grim or whatever, but I see too many people (and I include me at the the top of this list) fumble when it comes to speaking up on what they want and don’t want in their married life, only to regret it later. Take it from me, it is the only life you get. You will never be 26 again – you will never get your youth back. Decide wisely. The same goes for your fiancé. You two both sound like you are smart – smart enough to know this is no little decision. Make sure you both want the same things in life or you will likely part ways one way or another.
Good luck with this and thanks for bringing it here. Most people wouldn’t have the internal strength to do it.
Thanks for sharing this Heather. I found it so interesting that I made it into an article. You’ve already started getting comments here, and hopefully it being an article will ensure you get more feedback. I’ll comment later.
I am so glad I found this blog! I have been looking for a childfree forum/blog that wasnt so bloody angry all the time. Thank you for your honest posts about your life and your decision not to have children. I look forward to reading more.
I am mostly glad that I never had any children , because I have a lot of free time to do creative pursuits, such as play piano, travel, meditate and My body will be in good shape, too. I don’t have to bring a person into this overpopulated world, that is for the most part deteriorating and getting worse by the minute. my next door neighbors are having their first child and I feel a sense of compassion for the pregnant woman. It is a sad thought that she is bringing a human being into this sad place. People think that having a child will help them in some way, make them happier. It just complicates life, really. My life is my life and I am truly selfish and I will call the shots without involving myself with another human being and being responsible for them to have a good life in this violent and strange world. Having kids now is selfish. There are so many children to adopt without homes and animals for that matter. I will spoil myself with this life long decision to not bear such a responsibility and I can have all the time to learn about life and being a parent in this strange world is too hard a job for a carefree soul “comme moi”.
Funny how all the comments are interesting to read, sometimes more interesting then reading the article itself.
Anyhow, I’m in the same boat, I’m a 31 year old male who is single with no kids; and let me tell you, IT’S GREAT, and I feel extremely happy with my decision and my life thus far.
At 31, I’m planning on early retirement, traveling, and moving to another county all together . I do what I want, and my stress is VERY low due to not having to worry about anybody but myself.
Like others have said, I do wish that Western society would not pressure young people so much to have babies. I’m just sick of it, so much so I have even cut people I have known for years out of my life because they simply refuse respect my CHOICE of not getting married, and bringing more children into this F*** up world.
you know that really upsets me that you feel that way cuz my mom had four kids bein a single mother for years ya we make mistakes but we are great so i feel the kids that do get in the most trouble are the ones with parents that dont care or just give up on trying to punish their children and im sorry u feel that way but kids arent that bad ya they make mistakes and argue with you but all u have to do is put your foot down
I’m coming late to this post, but I wanted to thank everyone for their honesty. I am in the group of those in their late 30s-40s who feel like they are in “limbo-land”. Thanks to modern society and medical possibilities, it seems we can put off having the decision to have kids for longer than ever before. The flip side of this new world of choices is – how many times can I torture myself with the “I’m in a very happy marriage and I love my life vs. I think I’d like to have kids and that door is closing very soon” debate I have in my head almost daily now? I have to admit, though, that the urge to have kids has really only come about (I think) because the door is about to close, the prevalence of this “parenting” culture … loved those commentors posting about the Facebook issue – please, can parents just use their own freakin’ picture for their profile
… and because I just don’t want to have any regrets in life. But thanks to this post and the commentors, I’m beginning to realize that there can be regrets on both sides of this issue.
On top of that, I want to share that I just came back from a camping trip with my husband and his teenage son. We stayed at a campground that was geared towards families. And not one day went by in which I cringed because I heard a parent speak meanly to a child, heard excessive whining (from both parents and children), and generally was thankful I could pursue kayaking, swimming, hiking, reading, hanging out with my husband and friends and step-son’s friends around the campfire, and generally enjoy my hard-working, capable life without worrying 24/7 about a kid. I admire good parents so much and am grateful they are out there. But I have a feeling that if we polled all those parents at that campground this week, that not all of them would admit that they were satisfied as parents.
And for the record for the trolls, I don’t think all this naval-gazing this makes me selfish. On the contrary, I think it makes me grateful and appreciative of choices I can make and ready to defend the freedoms of others and also makes me a good person to babysit occasionally for a parent that needs a break.
Best to all on your journeys,
CMC
ooops, it should say above that “not one day went by in which I *didn’t* cringe”
I can tell you that not having children has been fabulous. My husband and I have been together almost 14 years and we knew that we did not want to have children from day one. I constantly get told from people that we will change our mind and I can say with confidence that at the age of 40 and my husband 45, neither one of us has ever had any regret on this issue. I have been told by friends that I will regret my decision and that I should start trying for a baby before it is too late. It is funny to me because I know so many people who regret having kids and I have met very few that ever regretted not having kids. Funny how that works.
We love our freedom. We love being together and enjoy being able to sleep in on the weekends. I was a nanny for 6 years starting at the age of 19 and although I enjoyed working as a nanny, I will say the parents more often than not looked exhausted and miserable when they would come home. I can remember when one of the parents would come home, they would ask me if I could stay another hour so they could have some time to themselves before they had to deal with the children. It seemed for them, the last thing they wanted to deal with were screaming kids after a hard day of work and a long commute home and I completely understood. Even before I was a nanny, I knew I didn’t want to have kids, but after becoming a nanny, I felt validated in my decision.
The parents of the kids that I watched, were all very good people and I know that they all loved their children, but I could see the stress in their face, I could see how much they longed for time for themselves. It was really sad. Everyone out here who is child free, be strong, stand up for what you believe in and don’t be ashamed to say that you are childfree and are damn proud of it!
Well – I would say, have kids – but only if you GENUINELY want them, and it is not because society, religion, or your spouse is telling you you should want them.
The reasons are outlined in the article. Having kids can be tough. Just because YOU were a well balanced child does not necessarily mean that you’ll be blessed with the same. And if your heart wasn’t truly – and effortlessly – in it in the first place, you will lack the resources and the drive to deal with the tough times, and the rewards, when they come, will be too small to compensate.