“There are so many terrible mothers in the world, so many people who have children who really shouldn’t, it’s sad that someone who would be a good mother won’t become a mother. The world could use more good mothers raising children. Instead, we’re stuck with the bad mothers who keep reproducing.”

That’s what I read into it….

You don’t need to be a parent to become an educator or care taker, I am in a health care business and I have developed an immense patience, understanding, ability to love and care for someone and tons of compassion. I dont want this when I get home. I enjoy other stuff and life has plenty to offer.

I get fulfillment with my work and my personal non-parent life and that enables me to be the best “aunt” in the world.

The reasons are outlined in the article. Having kids can be tough. Just because YOU were a well balanced child does not necessarily mean that you’ll be blessed with the same. And if your heart wasn’t truly – and effortlessly – in it in the first place, you will lack the resources and the drive to deal with the tough times, and the rewards, when they come, will be too small to compensate.

We love our freedom. We love being together and enjoy being able to sleep in on the weekends. I was a nanny for 6 years starting at the age of 19 and although I enjoyed working as a nanny, I will say the parents more often than not looked exhausted and miserable when they would come home. I can remember when one of the parents would come home, they would ask me if I could stay another hour so they could have some time to themselves before they had to deal with the children. It seemed for them, the last thing they wanted to deal with were screaming kids after a hard day of work and a long commute home and I completely understood. Even before I was a nanny, I knew I didn’t want to have kids, but after becoming a nanny, I felt validated in my decision.

The parents of the kids that I watched, were all very good people and I know that they all loved their children, but I could see the stress in their face, I could see how much they longed for time for themselves. It was really sad. Everyone out here who is child free, be strong, stand up for what you believe in and don’t be ashamed to say that you are childfree and are damn proud of it!

On top of that, I want to share that I just came back from a camping trip with my husband and his teenage son. We stayed at a campground that was geared towards families. And not one day went by in which I cringed because I heard a parent speak meanly to a child, heard excessive whining (from both parents and children), and generally was thankful I could pursue kayaking, swimming, hiking, reading, hanging out with my husband and friends and step-son’s friends around the campfire, and generally enjoy my hard-working, capable life without worrying 24/7 about a kid. I admire good parents so much and am grateful they are out there. But I have a feeling that if we polled all those parents at that campground this week, that not all of them would admit that they were satisfied as parents.

And for the record for the trolls, I don’t think all this naval-gazing this makes me selfish. On the contrary, I think it makes me grateful and appreciative of choices I can make and ready to defend the freedoms of others and also makes me a good person to babysit occasionally for a parent that needs a break.

Best to all on your journeys,
CMC

Anyhow, I’m in the same boat, I’m a 31 year old male who is single with no kids; and let me tell you, IT’S GREAT, and I feel extremely happy with my decision and my life thus far.

At 31, I’m planning on early retirement, traveling, and moving to another county all together . I do what I want, and my stress is VERY low due to not having to worry about anybody but myself.

Like others have said, I do wish that Western society would not pressure young people so much to have babies. I’m just sick of it, so much so I have even cut people I have known for years out of my life because they simply refuse respect my CHOICE of not getting married, and bringing more children into this F*** up world.

I have heard those exact 3 answers from people who are trying to convince me to get ready, get married, and start having babies. However, it’s your answer that gives me hope that my budding conviction to not have children is not completely bonkers. I can hear myself giving that EXACT speech to someone in the future (just change the gender specific nouns and pronouns around).

The hardest part about making this decision is to live with the doubt… and everyone is just giddy to help out. It’s like they have a special sensor that alerts them to the doubt… and then: “Well, you OBVIOUSLY want children subconsciously… just wait a couple years.”

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. It has really hit home and is resonating. I’m almost convinced you are me from the future – come back in time to warn myself against parenthood… but cleverly disguised so as to prevent paradox.

You said, “Dude, obviously if people go through that bad of issues with their children then they shouldn’t even be parents.” you do not know what experience you will have with parenting until you have committed to it. I repeat: children are caveat emptor– they are as-is, non-refundable, and non-programmable. They have their own will, and no matter how strict, how much of a disciplinarian or authority you are they will follow their own choice and may or may not “turn out fine”. So when people who perhaps erroneously decide to attempt “parenting” find that it is not all sunshine and rainbows, that the idiots that they allowed to convince them to reproduce misled them, they’re already entrenched.

A few words of advice: think before you speak, and if you have a high school diploma, you should know how to use spell and grammar check. For everyone’s benefit, I really hope that you don’t reproduce.

Actually, it’s much simpler than that – any action/decision a person performs in service of his/her -self is technically a “selfish” act. Heck, brushing your teeth is a selfish act, as is feeding yourself. There is typically no harm done in those actions; except to bacteria and hunger.

Where the selfish moniker comes into play seems to be when the man/woman denies their spouse a child when said spouse desires one. That right there smacks of dependency issues. For a couple to have a child out of love is one thing, but for said kid to complete a relationship is evil. I mean, why get married unless you love the person for what they are, if the end goal is calculated to obtain something else?

I would certainly hit the pause button on the wedding machine. This is a big deal and a show-stopper no matter what you are thinking and how you are feeling. While it would’ve been nicer and cheaper for you and your family had your fiancé had dropped this bomb earlier, you have said yourself your glad he did it before you tied the knot. Without having any more details about your situation, I wouldn’t be too hard on your wishy-washy husband-to-be. The very real pressure of committing to a marriage is overwhelming enough as it is. Agreeing to sire offspring cranks any commitment issues up to 11, if you know what I mean. A lot of people would say he’s being immature, but I think the exact inverse is true. I think your fiancé has actually stopped and taken stock of what he is signing up for and he realizes, at least now, he doesn’t want it and has spoken up before it was too late. Most men in his situation wouldn’t have the backbone to do what he did given all the expense, social and family pressure, and societal norms at play.

Half of all marriages end in divorce, or so I hear and read. Money woes (probably brought on by having children before a couple is financially stable enough to incur the debt brought on by having kids) rank as the number-one cause of marital breakups, but I would hazard a guess most marriages fail because one or both parties don’t lay all their cards out on the table before getting married. Nobody sees eye-to-eye on everything, so it’s impossible to have someone in complete accord with you, even the person you love the most. However, the topic of becoming a parent is an all-or-nothing affair. There’s no middle-ground, despite what many people say. You’re either in or your out, as it were. Both man and woman, ideally, should absolutely really want a child (in all of its incarnations – infant, toddler, child, adolescent and young adult) before making a baby.

Even if your fiancé suppressed his feelings on not wanting children and got along to get along so he could get married to you, eventually his very real desires to not have a child would fester and grow and become an issue eventually. More than likely, you would feel rightly betrayed and your marriage would hit some turbulence. So, if he had doubts, he did the right thing by grabbing the brakes. It’s frustrating and embarrassing for everyone concerned, but I admire anyone that will be honest, even when it hurts.

Even though you don’t think you want kids now, I have a hunch you will want them in the future. I could be wrong, but having children seems to be how you frame married life. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what you want.

Aside from the money put into the wedding plans, what’s the rush? You are young enough to give this some more time. Sounds like you’re still on speaking terms with your fiancé, so why don’t you two, without dealing with your parents or anybody else, agree to some kind of date in the future (I’d say give it a year, at least) to decide whether marriage is what both of you want. That will give you time to hash this child thing out. You OWE it to YOURSELVES to do this. You owe it to your kids, assuming you have them (with this guy or some other man in the future) that when they are born they are wanted and both you and your husband are committed 100% to being parents.

I’m so glad this has happened to you. I know that sounds morbid or grim or whatever, but I see too many people (and I include me at the the top of this list) fumble when it comes to speaking up on what they want and don’t want in their married life, only to regret it later. Take it from me, it is the only life you get. You will never be 26 again – you will never get your youth back. Decide wisely. The same goes for your fiancé. You two both sound like you are smart – smart enough to know this is no little decision. Make sure you both want the same things in life or you will likely part ways one way or another.

Good luck with this and thanks for bringing it here. Most people wouldn’t have the internal strength to do it.

Now, I am a very nurturing person, I always have been. I helped my mom basically raise my baby sister because my father traveled all of the time and my mom suffers from depression and couldn’t handle my energizer bunny like little sister at times. I’ve always babysat, and at one point I was a nanny. Since I was young I’ve always been told, “What a good mommy you’ll make!” So, I guess I just adopted that idea as my own.
When my fiancé said he didn’t want children anymore, I’ll admit, I freaked out. But now, I’ve have been MADE to take a moment and pause and to think. You know, I’m 26 and still have so many things to achieve. Not to mention I’m a people pleaser and I could see losing myself in a child because I would be paranoid about not being a perfect mom. I love my mom 100%, and I know she loves me, but I think part of the reason she was so depressed was because she had 3 very needy little girls, a husband that was away at LEAST 40% of the time, and no time for herself. I love my mom, but I don’t want to be her.

I mean I have no desire for a child right now at all; I’m just worried I might later. My relationship with my fiancé isn’t lacking; we are usually much more comfortable and in love with one another then almost all of our friends. I think I might really be ok with not having kids.

Feedback about this would be awesome. Cause I know if I go through with this, everyone and their brother is going to be telling me I’m making a mistake.