Childfree … The Baby Gatherings
14 12 2007I’m willing to bet that childed people don’t go through half the situations that the childfree people, particularly women do. Take for example when a colleague has a baby. Even though you like your colleague lots, if it was all up to you, you’d really prefer not to go to a half hour presentation of gift to said colleague baby and wife in the office. Even if you’re happy that they are happy and whole heartedly contributed to the gift and the congrats.
But for some things there is only one right thing to do. And that is to think of your colleague. So, even though I had no interest in babies, no interest in cooing over them like every other woman in the room, no baby/child stories, there I was surrounded by them. My congrats were genuine because I really like my colleague….even though I also gave commiseration for a life turned completely topsy turvy since he’s getting no sleep and it shows.
But not for one minute did anyone even consider that anyone in the room might not be interested in babies, new mothers talking on about newborns, feeding patterns etc. etc. It was assumed that everyone wanted to see the baby. And I suppose with reason – why wouldn’t everyone be interested in seeing the baby? Except, apart from thinking, yes the baby is cute and actually it is possible to say quite dispassionately that it (or rather she) was a beautiful baby – at least I can say it dispassionately. No-one directed any bingoes or questions at me… they aren’t the type do so, and while I wasn’t totally quiet I had little to contribute to the general conversation, mainly because I didn’t want the predictable questions from the mother.
But I had zero interest in fussing over it or asking the predictable mummy questions. Zero. Interest. So after 25 minutes I made my escape. Enough, is enough after all. I’d done my bit, been immersed in new baby stuff, time to go before I had to look at baby scans made into… wait for it – cards. Cards?? Now I’d really seen it all.
I gave myself a pat on the back for attending. For putting the team and my colleague ahead of my feelings and in fact my preference. Most women in general settings like work, or even socially are all inclined towards babies and motherhood. They either have them or want them and they assume everyone else does too. Even if they know you don’t have children. They don’t for one minute consider that anyone would not want to see a new baby.
They didn’t understand that five minutes (max ten) was plenty for me. I have never felt the need to pay homage to the whole idea of “wow, well done, how wonderful you’ve had a baby!”
But I wasn’t about to spoil a good colleague’s happy time – which not going to the get together would have done, not to mention attract unwanted attention. But neither did I really want to be there – at least not for that long.
Just another example of how childfree people often have to fit into societal “norms” even if they’d prefer not to. It’s part of the work place and part of being a team. It’s less than easy though. You can be bolshy about it and refuse to take part, but when you genuinely like your team mates who you know would be there for you if they can… it’s easier to simply go and get it over with.
But it still doesn’t sit that well, regardless.
Technorati Tags: childfree
You know, one thing that has come about by reading your blog is a feeling that “thank goodness, I’m not abnormal”. I’ve never liked nor wanted to coo over babies. I’m happy for the new parents if I’m close to them and amazed on an intellectual level about the daunting task of development facing that small person but that’s about as far as it goes.
Anyway, just wanted to share that :o)
I TOTALLY relate. I don’t automatically love all babies, and am bored to tears by baby showers. I only have one friend that hasn’t lost her mind and become a totally different person after having a baby. I have lost a couple of other friends because once they had babies, it apparently took over her brain and her personality and we had nothing left in common.
My most dreaded about the baby gatherings is when someone says,”Hey, Shannon hasn’t had her turn to hold the baby yet.” Run. Away. Fast.
I find them cute but I don’t feel comfortable around them for long. I’m okay with holding them as long as I’m not left alone with them and know I can give them back straight away. I must admit their tiny hands and big eyes do make me say “awww!” until they cry, fill their nappies or puke.
Honestly, I like babies because they aren’t as mobile as older kids, and don’t have the smart mouthed attitudes (not yet, anyway). I’ll attend a baby shower of a friend who’s expecting, out of support for the friend, despite of the fact that those events usually aren’t the most exciting parties.
I tend to avoid baby showers at work, because often, I’m not close to whoever it is who’s preggers. The attitude is that every woman at work would be happy to go just because of the prospect of a baby coming soon turns me off.
I always feel extremely awkward around babies and children. It’s always been very uncomfortable for me. I have no clue how to even interact with children, so whenever there are kids or babies around, I try to make myself scarce. That said, you handled it much better than I would have.
Kudos to you.
You know, even when I like the preggo person, I can’t give them sincere congrats. I don’t see how this is ever a good thing. They might as well be telling me, “You know, I plan to be offing myself on Wednesday.” For some friends, they might end up really happy with a baby, but I know that they’ll become terrible friends in the process. For the rest, they’ll end up miserable and have PPD when they realize motherhood fucking sucks.
I can’t put up with baby showers (or bridal showers for that matter). Luckily I haven’t had to deal with any in-office baby showers, but if I did, I’d probably still stay at my desk and say I was just swamped. There would be so many people fawning over her, she probably wouldn’t even notice I was missing, anyway.
Basically the whole reproduction process is over-rated. I always want to say “Commiserations” when someone announces they are ‘preggers’, especially to the poor bastard who’s going to be born. What are these people thinking of? How selfish can they be to bring someone into this planet which (because of humans) sucks? And they call US selfish?
I give up.
One year at work there were 22 showers on my team alone…and our company has 7 teams.
All of our showers are at work, during lunch, NO BABIES!
#1 reason I used to go is the food ROCKS! I would sit there all smug and happy thinking I would never have to go thru the crap and expense that they chose to go thru. And it made me SO HAPPY!
Now that I work remotely from my home….you guessed it…NO MORE SHOWERS
yay!
I can definitely relate to this story! Sometimes women in numbers are frightening. I tend to be quiet at baby-related gatherings, but I am usually happy for my friend/colleague that they are doing what makes them happy.
I keep in contact with my childed friends on a one-to-one basis - me, her and her baby (and sometimes our partners). I find that this way is the way that I can have a decent conversation with my friend. Since my friend is clearly interested in child-related stuff, I will always ask about the baby/child. But I am careful not to let the conversation become too focused on that stuff.
Britgirl, you lasted 23 1/2 minutes longer than I would have, and have in the past.
This post strikes close to home because I have a coworker on my team whose wife is expecting. I hear about it ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. Now, I like him, and I have a great team, but honestly. I could care less about what’s going on, etc. I’m not interested in the ultra sounds and the 4D imaging. (Side horror story on this one: so this coworker takes a picture of the 4D imaging that happens to be the face of the little parasite. He photoshops a santa hat on it and puts a caption, “Merry Christmas! See you soon!” And he used that to make Christmas cards with. If I receive one of those, it will go promptly in the trash.)
I was invited to his wife’s babyshower for Sunday. I did not go. I didn’t even bother to get any gift. At first I was thinking of going to show support for a coworker I really like, but I knew I’d be torturously bored. I ended up not going. Now I have a clean bedroom instead.
This is their first baby. So all the talk is not surprising. Further, I wonder if this is going to be considered some “miracle” baby due to the “difficult” pregnancy she has had. Whining about no sex, no money, and how much time even the pregnancy is taking, has already started. Oh. I cannot WAIT until after the baby is born. /sarcasm. Something tells me this coworker is going to get incredibly boring.
I needed to get that off my chest.
I don’t do baby showers. I don’t even really support birthing humans by buying gifts. I considered a small gift to the coworker - not to congratulate him, but more for office politics and continue generated good will with coworkers. I ended up not doing so. I just do NOT like babies or the whole pregnancy and everything surrounding it thing.
This is how I am. I showed up to a group gathering of some friends one time. One guy (who had been LAID OFF for a couple of YEARS) had just had another kid. (Yes, that means the wife got pregnant WHILE he was laid off!) And this was kid number, hold on to your seats … number 7. I wouldn’t tolerate his whines of no money. Anyway, so he brings the kid to the gathering and one of the women was carrying it and cooing and all that jazz. She turned, saw me, and cames towards me, starting to hold the baby out so I would carry it. The instant I noticed the gesture I started to step back and I crossed my arms. Now, this was not on purpose, it was a reflexive action on my part - out of fear of someone handing me a baby. She gave me a quizzical look and asked, “Don’t you want to carry her?” I said, “No. I don’t do babies. I don’t babysit, I don’t carry them, I don’t feed or change them.” I had not been offered another baby in that group again. LOL.
I have a friend who has a kid. She’s a coworker too. She’s a responsible parent and I generally don’t mind her kid around. But I won’t necessarily do anything with it: i.e. carry it, blah blah blah. I just recently told her that I don’t do the baby thing and I’m not interested in it. I said I was afraid to tell that to people, especially parents. And being a woman it’s almost expected of me to coo over babies but it’s just not there for me. Fortunately she is cool with it. She’s very practical. She’s pregnant with her second one now.
Then my boyfriend/partner has some really cool friends - a couple. We just recently reacquainted ourselves with them and been hanging out more. I really like them. They’re Good People. But during one of our hanging out times, she was talking about how they planned on having kids. *sigh* And our local No Kidding group sucks. Last time I went so many people there wanted to talk about NOT having kids. I’m so uninterested in even that. I think the boyfriend and I have pretty much settled into it just being us and everyone else around us will have bred. I’ve given up on finding a CF couple friendship.
It is very difficult for me to praise human breeding at this current time. With our current administration, world issues, the environment, the economy and increasing societal divisions, saying “congratulations” to someone who is knowingly bringing another person into this mess is just too much of a lie for me to engage in. What I always want to say is “Why?” when the good news is announced, I generally just say “well that will be a big change in your life” and leave it at that.
I’ve stopped going to any baby showers, I find them so dull I end up hating the people who threw it, babies bore the hell out of me and the bingo’s I’ve gotten at the few I have attended have been the most inappropriately personal I’ve ever received. I might send something useful, like cute socks or a onesie, with my regrets but even free alcohol won’t get me to go again.
This all leads me to the question, are parents (and wanna-be parents) out of their minds with optimism, or is my pessimism about the future stamping down on any desire I might have to procreate? Does anyone else feel this way?
CFSinceSix - I feel really sorry for you having to listen to all that rubbish every day! And the card!?!?!?! Awful!
These are great comments. Glad to see I’m not the only one who feels this way. Feh - believe me if I could have got out of that thing I would have done. It’s also easier to get out of gatherings when it’s not a work-invited meeting. It’s hard to explain. I was bored to tears - but it’s a question of being politik and this was one time I felt it necessary. But next time, I am going to give regrets or have a meeting appropriately planned at the same time. Next time I am going to take CFsince Six’s idea and say, “I don’t do babies.”
CFSince Six - yep, this mother was doing the card thing as well… it was the 3d ultrasound. At that point I left the room.
I can agree with you here. I’m not a mom and so when my co-workers sit around and start swapping baby stories I can’t help but feel left out. That wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, as I am sure there are some things that I talk about that other people don’t feel that they have much to add to…but the motherhood talk always seems to go on about 20 minutes longer then it needs to. At this point I honestly feel separated from my co-workers because they tend to get into groups and talk children, or if they don’t have children talk about their pets as though they were children. I humor them though because like I said I know there are things that I’m interested in that other people have zero interest in, and they’re kind enough to indulge me. Right.
That being said, it seems odd to bring a child into the work place. I don’t want to meet them and they don’t want to meet me. It almost seems like a bragging right in a way. Because really, why else would little snookie-kins need to be in my cubical? Unless snookie-kins would like to do some work with me I don’t see the need to take time away from what I’m doing to stop and admire.
Yes!!! There are three women on my team at work who are expecting, and another three in the building. They have been LOUDLY arguing over the “expecting” parking space this past month. Just last week an email went out about a joint shower for two of the women on my team (both expecting twins BTW). The gal I partner with is also one of the expecting (ie I cover both desks for three months while she is on leave). Partner complained to me that “she was expecting too!!” and wanted a shower for herself. Keep in mind that all THREE of these women ALL had babies in 2006 & we gave them showers then!!! I thought you only got one!!!!
I complained at work today that I should get a shower for NOT having a baby & that they could bring me leather pants & tequila as gifts. I also hate the thought of all these babies getting brought in & screaming while I’m trying to talk on the phone to customers, but god forbid should someone return from leave without having dragged her babies in first.
PS- Those cards sound terrible with the fetus’s picture on it. I’ve seen so many stupid ultrasounds recently that I’ve also been threatening to bring in my gallstones from my surgery a few years ago if we’re into sharing things removed from our bodies.
I am so glad to read about other people’s negative reactions to baby showers. Two friends are pregnant (one with her second) and I’ve just had to shell out a lot of money to get them gifts and I’m feeling a bit bitter about it. We recently adopted a third cat. Everyone knows I think of and treat my cats like my children. I sent out a happy email announcing her arrival with a picture. A few people commented they thought we had adopted a human child at first. Well, that’s because I consider her my daughter. I didn’t get a baby/cat shower, though. I still had to buy many new things for the new cat and spent a lot of time the first weeks acclimating her to the house, myself and my husband, and the other two cats. It would have been a very nice gesture of my friends to get me a card or little gift -especially the two pregnant friends who got gifts from me- but that didn’t happen. I don’t understand why you should get presents for not using contraception during sex. Seriously, it was your choice to get pregnant and have a child. Why should that affect me financially? If you get a party and presents for having a child, why don’t I get that for having a cat?
My sister-in-law is pregnant with her second baby and I’m dreading buying her a gift. At least we live far away, so I won’t be required to attend the shower.