Bringing One Year To A Close… And Looking Forward To Another
24 12 2007One of the great things about being childfree is the freedom we have to live life on our terms. It’s something that I am always grateful for. Not for us the limitations of children – financial or otherwise. We can expand, re-create or re-invent ourselves however and whenever we feel like without having to subordinate our desires to children. We can also choose whether or not we want to engage with children on our own terms. Though we are just as busy as parents, we can make time for ourselves or for others, whether that be volunteering or learning a new skill or planning for the future. Over the past few months I’ve been doing just that, and I’ll tell you a little about it shortly in a forthcoming post – this year
. But for now…
A close family member recently told me that they were worried and unhappy that I hadn’t produced any kids yet. Wondered if I was worried about it. My response was to assure them that I had no worries but that it wasn’t going to happen. No need for them to worry (and I had no idea they were worrying about it on my behalf. What a waste of time.)
This highlights a key point. That while we can and do feel supported by other childfree people on blogs and childfree forums, I doubt anyone would argue that there is a long way to go in the off-line world when it comes to the people accepting the childfree choice as a viable choice.
The media while perhaps being as “anti-childfree” is certainly un-childfree friendly and persistently portrays childfree men and women as lacking and immature. When they want to “spotlight” the childfree they make sure they get quotes from those who are firmly “anti-childfree” and any quotes they (rarely) get from those who are happily childfree they manage to distort.
Breeders – as opposed to parents– need no encouragement to criticise those who have made the choice to remain childfree. Even when presented with the pertinent point that how we use our reproductive tackle is our choice they still take it upon themselves to insist that choice isn’t real… at any rate not as real as theirs. The pressure to have children – regardless of how capable a person is is still intense, and the emotional blackmail meted out on those in partnerships where one would really prefer not to parent is very much there.
In the midst of all this, creeps another trend… the search for “common ground.” But who is searching?
To be continued.
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to those people who “worry” you (or other cf not having kids, and are actually unhappy about you not even having kids.
i have one thing to say to you. ” its my life and i live it the way i want to, and if you dont like it then you can always ignore me for ever. no skin off my nose”
Thanks for writing about this, Brit Girl. I’m on the internet today b/c I am a hostage at a pro kid holiday event - is there any other kind? Anyway, I feel like an alien, and I’ve just been feeling completely out of place and lost.
My DH and I just talked today about “recreating ourselves,” or figuring out what direction we are going to follow next. We are both at that kind of place in our careers. It’s so refreshing and exciting that we can even contemplate career change, growth, etc. I know a lot of parents are completely stuck in crap jobs they hate, but they can’t take chances because they have a family to support.
I can’t wait until the holiday is over and I can get out of Kiddie City. The kids in my life are reasonably pleasant and well behaved - but I’m just not into it. And it’s so annoying how everyone sits around oohing and aahing when they open their presents. In some ways, it’s the equivalent of a baby shower. The gifts, and the company, just isn’t that interesting! Sorry!
I’m also thrilled with the realization that you can pick your friends, and not your family. I’m so glad I can do this, as a CF person. I am feeling very grateful.
Hey, for me the new year represents one year closer to menopause! Okay, maybe I’m not looking forward to menopause per say, but knowing people will stop asking about kids will be refreshing. I also hope the coming year brings greater understanding for our choice.
The “lacking” and “immature” thing you highlighted is very interesting to me. We aren’t the ones that spend all of our time at cub scouts, making paper airplanes, teaching people how to use the toilet, etc. In my mind, we are more mature because we are more entrenched in the adult world. Just a thought…
Greetings to all.
There are two things I’d like to bring up.
feeling alienated has said: “We aren’t the ones that spend all of our time at cub scouts, making paper airplanes, teaching people how to use the toilet, etc. In my mind, we are more mature because we are more entrenched in the adult world.”
Actually my husband and I have been spending our time, energy and money with and on children in our own community for decades. Moreover, we are not alone when it comes to knowing that children need mature childfree role models, just as much as they need parental role models. This is witnessed by the many childfree singles and couples that we see giving freely of their time and energy so the work that must be done in kids’ clubs gets done.
We are middle aged now and during this Christmas season we have enjoyed the visits from former children we know very well. They have grown up, completed their educations and are beginning to select mates. Some of these young people that we were role models for will be making the “childfree choice” and others won’t but, both have benefited from knowing us as a childfree couple.
I would like to see the contribution that we childfree singles and couples make to children in reading and math tutoring programs, in arts, music, drama, special events and sports both within and without the schools recognized — even lauded and applauded.
IMHO in 2008 we need to mindful of stereotyping of both childfree single and couples and prepared to refute the erroneous underlying presumptions.
(1) Just because you are single does not mean that your choice to remain childfree ought to be discredited based on the presumption that when you have a partner you will change your mind.
(2) The presumption that all childfree singles and couples are “child haters” who make no contribution to the next generation is erroneous.
Maybe those two points can lead us towards finding common ground or maybe not but I’d like to suggest that they are valid starting points.
Namaste
I enjoy being able to live life on my own terms. I gave up full time work a year ago to study and work part time. My search for knowledge continues, while living moderately comfortably. I don’t think it would be this easy if we had a child.
I think that brightfeather has a point that people on “both sides” of the argument would benefit from. Presumption breaks down positive communication, and interferes with our search for common ground. It is presumptuous for friends and family to be concerned about your lack of children if you have never indicated that you want them. It is presumptuous to believe that all childed people don’t spend time in the adult world.
My sister-in-law can spend every waking moment with her children and be very happy with her life. Her husband, however, cannot. He loves his children very much, but must spend some time listening to loud music, watching non-children movies and talking about non-child-related things.
We need to remember also, that childfree people’s situations are wildly varying. It is presumptuous to think that all childfree people dislike children. Some of us like them, and happily play with or teach any of them. Some of us only like a few children because they belong to friends and family. Some of us simply don’t like anything about children.
I like spending time with the children in my circle of friends/family (unless they are being rude or very loud). Children like me for some reason, even when I don’t particularly try. My partner, however, finds children to be tiresome and boring. He dislikes the inability to have conversations with toddlers. We happily allow each other the level of child interaction that we’re comfortable with, knowing that home will be blissfully quiet.
Whatever people’s choices are, we shouldn’t presume things about them!
Brightfeather - Excellent points. I’m quoting from your comment in my next post.
It is too easy to slip into generalizations. And everytime I find myself talking about my friends and relations who have children I almost feel like an apologist. The thought of my friends even presuming to rate me on the basis of whether I have kids or not is so far fetched that all I can say is that if they did we wouldn’t be friends.
Decided - Excellent points
Feeling alienated… Hope you escaped OK
it’s indeed very refreshing to be able to contemplate your next steps and have a variety of choices! I know many who, like you say wouldn’t leave their jobs or even change them to do what they truly like because of the children.
I know the feeling. And you make a very good point in that for some, children are just not interesting. And as to greater understanding - if 2008 can bring just a little bit more that would be great.
merc - thanks!
i meant to those people who question my life decision my choice. i will tell them straight out to mind their own business.