For 2008 - Less Stereotyping Of Childfree People?
27 12 2007Bringing One Year To A Close.. continued
I’m going continue where I left off, with the topic of common ground. Because oddly, as I was thinking about this topic I came across this post on PW called The Common Ground Check it out – see if you agree with my thoughts on it. Add your own.
When it comes to the subject of common ground between childfree people and the childed, the common ground I see is that we are all people worthy of respect regardless of our reproductive choices. What I see and hear daily, however is that those with children are held in much higher regard and those who’ve decided not to have them are barely regarded at all. Unless we fight for it.And we have to pick our battles. If we are regarded, it is to be told that our choice is ridiculous and that we will get a wake up call when we supposedly discover we were wrong all along, that we’re selfish and immature and what we need is a good dose of children and childrearing to bring us to our collective senses. And all the while wherever we turn, we are told that having children is THE most rewarding feat any woman can (or should hope to) do. And let’s not forget that almost everything else we may do as a childfree person - even if that involves supporting children in some way – is never as popular as the idiotic myth that childfree people – because they are childfree – hate children.
And yet, with all this, I feel when the call goes out to common ground, it is the childfree that are being asked to do most of the looking. Now, perhaps this is just me. Or maybe this is a disturbing new phase when instead of being irked at the constant pressure to conform, we simply look at what unites us and let it all roll off our backs with a shrug and a laugh.
After all, can’t we all just get along?
Like I said, I am all for what unites us – as women but more importantly as human beings. When I meet someone for the first time my first interest is always in who they are as people – regardless of what reproductive choice they made. But I don’t see I need to exert even more patience with parents or proffer even more respect to them simply because they have had children. That’s already the de-facto positioning of society. In fact (and pardon the cliche-like phrase) of my friends who are parents we see each other as equals.
So I see respect as being two way and mutual.
I daily – yes daily – get email from childfree folk world-wide, telling me how pleased they are to find a place where they can talk freely about the tribulations, as well as the joys of living a childfree life. Emphasis on talk and freely. They also tell me how they’ve had the intrusive questions, the dismissal of their plans not to have kids, the implication that they are not “families” if they don’t have children or don’t want them, the put downs, the refusal of the medical profession to respect their choices not to reproduce, the broken relationships, the familial pressure to pro-create. I could go on. They don’t bother to mention the wider societal pressures – what’s the point? We all know they are there, the subliminal and overt messages that women who produce off-spring are somehow better than those who choose not to.
It’s said that the topic of being childfree is controversial. Why? Because some people choose to make it so. Instead of accepting the choice as being as valid as theirs, they refuse to accept that isn’t a choice at all. Perhaps that’s what’s controversial? There follows the finger pointing, and the retaliation. There is nothing controversial about my not wanting to have kids to me. I have no problem with a person’s choice to reproduce EXCEPT when I am expected to worship it, give it or them preferential treatment or express unabashed interest in their offspring when I don’t choose to. Or in the case where they aren’t fit to be parents and should never have been in the first place.
As I said in my PW response, the childfree are already outnumbered, already have to accept the de-facto child-centric culture while finding a way to live within it and not feel like Martians. Some do so more easily than others – particularly if they are supported, but this isn’t that common.
Not forgetting that many many of us have children and parents in our lives at some point or the other.
Before we seek for the common ground perhaps what we need is for the childed to simply stop trying to tell us we must have children. It isn’t necessary to have them and there are plenty already. Stop insisting that we’re “childless” and learn that just because having children was right for you (assuming it was) it isn’t what everyone wants or even needs.
Then maybe the childfree will lower their guards just a little bit, and be able to put their heads above the parapet. Or maybe they’ll still want nothing to do with parents or children because they don’t wish to – for whatever reason. Childed people can and do talk freely about their choice to have children. Everywhere. Childfree people don’t get afforded the same luxury – except perhaps online. Rather than the childed wasting time worrying about and being offended over what goes on in childfree forums try and be supportive of those childfree people whom you know. Don’t ask them if/when they’re going to have kids or presume they are going to.
Since I know that the latest trend is to focus on those childfree forums or blogs where names are flung without inhibitions by “parent haters” – I say this… “What are you doing on those blogs and in those forums??” If I wander by mistake onto a “mommy-blog” where the barbs are being freely tossed at the childfree, I rarely hang around. It’s not my thing and we have nothing in common. On the other hand if you land on a blog like this one, read the posts and hear what we feel…and where we’re coming from… I have found the vast majority of childfree people I know on-line and off to be polite – but knowing the constant child-centred barrage they get, it’s up to them how they decide to express it. Everyone is different.
As I said on my PW response – If I can appreciate the choice to parent and accept it (never once have I tried to convince someone otherwise) then there is no excuse for the childed not to appreciate my choice not to parent, and, even if they don’t know me extend the same respect that I already do them.
Common ground is far from a given.
So, for 2008 what would I like to see? Well, among other things, I thought Brightfeather’s comment really sums this up…
Here’s what she says:
“I would like to see the contribution that we childfree singles and couples make to children in reading and math tutoring programs, in arts, music, drama, special events and sports both within and without the schools recognised — even lauded and applauded.
… in 2008 we need to mindful of stereotyping of both childfree single and couples and prepared to refute the erroneous underlying presumptions.
(1) Just because you are single does not mean that your choice to remain childfree ought to be discredited based on the presumption that when you have a partner you will change your mind.
(2) The presumption that all childfree singles and couples are “child haters” who make no contribution to the next generation is erroneous.
Maybe those two points can lead us towards finding common ground or maybe not but I’d like to suggest that they are valid starting points.”
I am sure you have your own thoughts. I hope you’ll freely add them. I think there’s a long way to go before we arrive at The Common Ground. We may or may not be on the way there. But we are not there just yet.
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BritGirl
I don’t see common ground as meaning that the childfree and “childed” are necessarily at a point of mutual respect. What common ground means to me is that as humans we inevitably have some essentials in common, where we want to or not. The issue is that we may choose to focus on what we have in common or we may choose to focus on what sets us apart. Or we may do both.
I know when I talk about common ground it is in the context of acknowledging as you said the human and not the reproductive choice. When we do that we are reminded that humanity and the human experience is what we have in common–and that’s a big thing, a bigger thing surely than whether or not we do or don’t have/want kids.
However because I think looking for that common ground is valuable, doesn’t mean I think fighting for rights for the childfree isn’t important. I think that is very important and I think I actively work to do that. Additionally I think one can work toward common ground without expecting the childfree to be the ones to bend.
You say “But I don’t see I need to exert even more patience with parents or proffer even more respect to them simply because they have had children.” And I agree. Neither parents nor the childfree deserve any more or less respect because of their reproductive status.
I don’t know what others mean when they speak of finding out common ground, but I know that I feel it is most certainly possible to work for unity and mutuality simultaneously. I guess I’m wondering if there is something specific that leads you to say that common ground often ends up meaning that the childfree are expected to respect parents who do not afford the childfree the same consideration.
Anyway, thank you for being so active in speaking up for the childfree. What you are doing is very important. I feel strongly that parents do not deserve any greater respect simply by virtue of being parents, and I also agree that currently society does often send the message that parenthood is always a better and more valuable choice than the alternative, and obviously I strongly disagree with that as well.
Despite my view on those two points, I still feel we ultimately are simply all people with similar hopes and dreams and feelings. It is just up to all of us (parent and childfree alike) whether we want to look for the commonality and the humanity in one another or if we want to further exclusion and division. I believe the common ground is already there; it is just up to all of us to recognize and focus on it.
I hope to work toward finding commonality with all people, but that doesn’t mean I think that I should give others some sort of special consideration or accommodate them in a way that they are not willing to do for me or that I should accept the view that I am less in any way due to my choice to not procreate. I think we can fight for rights for the childfree and work for common ground simultaneously. I know that I have made efforts that I could to do both, and will continue to do so in the coming year.
I think at the very core of life we are all striving for the same common goals; happiness, success, love and friendship. Where we all differ is in our definitions of happiness, success, love and friendship. While I continue to “fight” for the rights of the childfree, I strive to understand people from all walks in life and how their decisions help them acheive the common goals we all aspire to. I think this issue for the childfree is we are somewhat forced to understand the choices of the child-ed, but are not offered the same balance of respect and understanding. Rather then see my friends as insane for choosing to have one, two, three or more children I try to equate the love they have for their children to the love I have for travel, my career, books, my husband and (especially) my pets. So long as my life if filled with those things I love, it is full and my definition of common ground is for those with children to understand that.
Ultimately in the New Year I will continue to push the envelope and play devils advocate with family and friends although it would be easier just to work towards a common understanding. Until the day comes where not having children is a respected decision it is going to require opinioned pioneers like Brit Girl to profess to the world that there are voices that are yet to be fully heard.
m -thanks. I think as Explosive says - it’s certainly easier to work towards a common understanding. I just don’t think we’re at that point yet - and that is because the decision not to have children and thus childfree people who make it are not as respected as those who do. Focusing on common ground does not get us any nearer to that ideal and in fact I think it takes the focus of what really should be. On a personal level and in my daily life I respect people because they are people and I expect the same always bearing in mind that respect isn’t given it must be earned.
There are differences between childed and childfree people - and they should be celebrated and not brushed under the carpet in the attempt to all get along under one common umbrella or worse - so as not to offend childed people. Maybe one day these will not even be thought of as differences. When that day comes, it will not be a question of “working towards common ground or commonalities” they will be self evident. But right now, whether we like it or not, as childfree people we are forced to hear the dominant message, which is the status quo. My taxes (whether I like it or not) support the status quo. I really don’t care if someone wants to have or has children or not - as long as they don’t then start to tell me how I should live a life similar to theirs. If anything parents need to understand that a decision to be childfree is as valid as their decision to have them. Many don’t accept that.
Hopefully as more childfree voices are heard there will be more understanding of where we are coming from. That’s where I’m putting my focus.
EB - “I think at the very core of life we are all striving for the same common goals; happiness, success, love and friendship. Where we all differ is in our definitions of happiness, success, love and friendship.”
Yes, I think you are spot on here. I can accept and understand that having children defines happiness for some. So what I find hard to understand is why parents cannot accept that my definition of happiness does not feature having children and instead try and insist that I need to have children to have true happiness. Like you, when parents understand and accept this (not my friends who already do of course) then we will have common ground - or at least a place to start from.
Some people, before they talk to me, have never considered the notion that becoming a parent is a choice.
I attempt to find common ground by letting people know that having children is not the only way to achieve happiness. My choices are a little different to theirs, but I’m actually happy without being a mother.
It does bother me that I am put under pressure to explain myself so frequently. I feel like each of these conversations is my attempt to fight the status quo!